Chapter 7 – Breach of Trust
Severus closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose as he left the Potions classroom. He scowled as he recalled how moronic he must've looked… waiving at her like an imbecile… blushing because she'd called him brilliant. The realisation alone that he had been ruminating about said events for the past ten minutes caused his scowl to turn into a grimace. Merlin help him, he thought, running a hand over his eyes. The time travel must've seriously damaged his brain.
Firstly, there had been that sick rush of jealousy towards a teenage Potter, then a physical response he was too ashamed to recall and after that he had managed to make a complete fool out of himself. And she had laughed. Was this what it meant being in the body of a teenager again? He did not like it, but then again, he'd also loathed being a teenager the first time around. Still better than being a child, he thought bitterly, the idea of being once again at the mercy of his father and barely able to control magic causing his face to darken.
Lost in his thoughts, he was caught completely off guard when he heard the sound of laughter at his back. His hand darted to his wand as he whirled around to face his attacker. His heart gave a jolt; but it was too late.
'Impedimenta!'
Severus' eyes widened, the spell causing him to stagger ludicrously for a few steps, his trained reflexes the only thing preventing him from landing head first on the hard stone. He cursed under his breath, nearly tripping on the hem of his robes as he gathered his feet, the Marauder's laughs ringing mercilessly in his ears. It was a horrible sound; indeed, the screeching of chalk against blackboard would've been more pleasant. That laughter brought back too many unpleasant memories.
An angry blush spread through his cheeks, his fingers twitching. Potter had always had the uncanny ability to bring the worst out of him, even now he could feel hatred and fear cursing through his mind. They'd always overpowered him, four on one. It did not matter that Severus was decades older now, the irrational fear that he'd be humiliated in such a fashion once more was turning out difficult to control. He took a deep breath, his wand feeling warm to the touch as he struggled to restrain himself. He would be in serious troubles if he cursed them.
He could only blame his love-sick teenage fantasies for having been caught off guard by a bunch on underage wizards.
'Good one, Prongs!' Black barked, grinning at his best mate as he stifled another laugh.
Severus' eyes narrowed; he stared at Potter's wand. He wouldn't even need his own to disarm him… How easy it would be to curse both him and Black, they wouldn't even see it coming. A nice little payback for all the years in which they had mercilessly tortured him. The curses, the public humiliations… the lake… Lily…
Potter had prodded him like one would prod a snake with a stick until Severus had finally lashed out. Hurt and furious, he had uttered those vicious words, scaring away the only person who'd ever been kind to him. It had stung, the look on Lily's face as she'd realised exactly what kind of person he was. It'd hurt even more to know that he'd never intended to hurt her in any way, it had just been his nature. He had often wondered what would have happened had she not cut him off then.
He would've gotten her killed either way. He knew that had they stayed friends, the Dark Lord would have found twisted pleasure in asking a newly marked Severus to kill her for his sake.
No, it would have been unfair to blame Potter for uttering that word by the lake, but Severus had hated him anyway. He had hated him and did hate him for being everything he wasn't. Rich, spoiled, handsome, adored by everyone and anyone and so unbelievably arrogant. He had hated even more the way Potter had always looked down on him, as though Severus was a disgusting creature unworthy to live. Potter had wanted Lily to see Severus just as he did; he had made his life mission to take away what little he'd had.
He'd thought she'd look at him differently if she no longer saw him being so pathetically weak. How foolish he had been. As though being a Death Eater could have ever impressed her… As though they could have ever lived together in the world the Dark Lord had been planning to build… Hopeless young men could be stupid creatures.
Severus closed his eyes, finally regaining some sense of composure. He stared at the boy, the similarities between father and son so uncanny that he found himself repressing a shudder.
'Potter', he spat, his lips curling around the world with practised ease, 'how foolish of me to believe that, somewhere, a universe untouched by your sheer arrogance and stupidity could possibly exist'
The corners of the boy's mouth turned downwards, his eyes; hazel, not green, alight with hatred. The son's gaze had been harder to bear. His stomach had twisted in a knot every time he'd stared at her hate filled eyes. The sight alone had never failed to make him angry; he'd felt like he'd been staring at an abomination. It had been a feeling difficult to control.
Potter's fingers tightened around his wand; his expression mocking. Potter wouldn't have looked at him like that had he known who he was; Severus thought, sneering. Not even the son had dared looking at him like that.
'Yeah, same goes for me, Snivellus, but unfortunately you're still here' he retorted.
Wormtail gave a shrilly laugh; Severus' mouth visibly thinned. Potter wouldn't have laughed had he known the future that awaited his friends. They had all died, even Pettigrew, who'd thought betraying his friends would keep him safe, as though the Dark Lord had hesitated to dispose of his so called most loyal servant when he'd no longer had had any use of him.
'Indeed, I am, Potter. I suggest you get out of my sight before I decide to deliver you straight to the Headmaster. Magic is not allowed in the corridors, you know' he drawled, his sneer getting more pronounced when, upon hearing his words, Wormtail stopped laughing at once.
Potter frowned.
'You think I care? You're the one who started it, Snape, you hexed our brooms!' he exclaimed, taking a few steps towards him. He was about the same height as Severus, but with Severus being lanky and shamefully underweight now, the other's athletic built put him physically to shame.
It was nothing new. Severus had had much bigger men trying to intimidate him over the years.
Only his father had caused him to cower in fear. But Severus had been little more than a child back then; few people would not have paled when faced with Tobias Snape, his build that of a mindless ogre. Severus had seen him for the last time after receiving the mark and it had been Tobias turn to be afraid, the look on Severus' eyes sending cold shivers down the man's spine. The eyes of a murderer…
Still, Potter's accusation was so childish that Severus found himself raising an eyebrow, his lips twitching almost imperceptibly. The truth was that Potter was a child now and he, Severus, had the upper hand. There was nothing Potter could do to him. Too bad he wasn't one of his students, or Severus would've had a field day confiscating said brooms.
Indeed, he'd been personally against giving Potter his Firebolt back. He could distinctly remember Minerva glaring at him when he'd voiced his concerns.
'I did no such thing' he said, unwilling to indulge in such childish matters, unwilling to remember if at the young age of sixteen he had indeed attempted to hex Potter's broom.
'Don't play dumb with us, Snivellus, we know it was you!' Black snarled, his fingers twitching for his own wand.
'Do you have proof?' he asked, unconcerned by the murderous look in their eyes. His gaze inevitably wandered to the boys' backs, the Common room waiting for him at the end of that very corridor. Potter might've been amusing distraction, but he was still to retrieve his teenage-self's essay and charm books.
Their meeting might've been of informal nature, but Severus loathed tardiness, even more so when Lily was concerned. He severely punished his student for it and, short of keeping the Dark Lord waiting, had never condoned it when it had come to himself.
It would be extremely rude of him to keep her waiting, especially when he had promised he would be there in due time; no matter how tedious the prospect of undergoing a useless fifth-year study session sounded to the sane part of his mind. She could've asked him to accompany her to a confetti shop and to his greatest shame, Severus would have probably said yes. He wondered what Dumbledore would've said had he been able to see him now. Some nonsense about the power of love, most likely.
Black and Potter looked at each other, profound dislike etched on every line of their young faces.
'Proof? We don't need proof, you greasy bast-'
'Then move, Potter, contrary to you and Black I do not have unlimited leisure time to strut around the castle and do as I please, and neither does the person I am about to meet'
'Who? Those filthy Dark Arts loving Slytherins you follow around, Snape? I wonder what kind of services you offer for them to stand your ugly face. They'll be lucky if we send you back to them in one piece' Black threatened.
Severus raised his eyebrows, the urge to provoke the boys suddenly impossible to resist.
'Who said anything about Slytherins?'
Potter's face whitened, the look in Severus' eyes causing his arrogant smile to die at once.
'E- Evans?' he stuttered, shocked, 'You can't meet, Evans, she's taken' said Potter, looking quite flustered.
Severus snarled.
'Taken? Lily is not a prize to be won' he said, his tone causing Potter to flinch.
Black stared at him with a frown, glancing at his best friend.
'Indeed, you should have known better than mindlessly suggest you would crush her own ingredients. Lily did not appreciate the unspoken implications, quite the contrary really. Perhaps, that is why she promptly expressed her wishes to study with me for the rest of the day, Potter. I'll go as far as to say that I might have to thank you for it' Severus said, a smile threatening to break through his lips when Potter's face contorted in anger, Severus' own pettiness causing him to sound not a day older than the boy in front of him.
'You're lying' Potter said, looking at him both alarmed and worried.
Severus smiled, a part of him painfully aware how petty and immaturely he was being. He knew it was only a matter of time before Lily ran away with the boy, and married him and Potter would never allow his wife to see the likes of Severus Snape. The knew how Severus felt about Lily, how couldn't he have known?
Provoking him would change nothing, but it made that future knowledge more bearable. Useless as he was, Potter had been willing to die for Lily. Severus was no marriage material. It did not matter what Dumbledore thought. As much as he loathed to admit it, Lily would be safer in Potter's hand, for the boy was neither a reformed Death Eater, nor a man in love with a girl half his age. And Severus couldn't help but grimace at that.
Potter clenched his teeth, his eyes glistening with rage and loathing.
'You stay away from her, Snivellus!' he hissed, his voice shaking with fear as angry sparks flew out of his wand.
He grounded his jaw, averting his eyes, trying to ignore the weight caused by his cursed knowledge. He looked at the boy, taking a deep breath, steading his unruly heartbeat as the anger finally left him.
'Don't be ridiculous Potter, I am not forcing her to spend time with me against her will' he said briskly.
And yet, there was a note of bitterness in his voice, because, as a matter of speaking, that was exactly what he was doing.
Somehow, Potter must've suspected as much, because his face visibly paled. Severus wondered whether Potter genuinely cared about Lily at this age. Had she just been a prize to be won? Or had he been mystified by her refusal to fall at his feet like ninety percent of the female population? The boy was so spoiled that it was only natural he'd fall for the only thing he couldn't have.
'Yes, you are! You did something to her, Snivellus! You must've Confunded her or something!' he said, his words followed by Wormtail's quiet sniggers.
A mocking smile formed on Severus' thin lips, because, despite all, he loathed Potter's implications.
'And tell me, Potter, has she been Confunded for seven years? I never thought there might come a day in which I'd realise I had underestimated your own idiocy… but here we are'
'Y-you bastard… You won't have her, Snivellus!' he growled, his eyes burning with both hatred and hurt.
Severus smiled. Have her? He had almost forgotten why she had refused to talk to that imbecile until the second half of their sixth year.
'She is not yours to have, Potter, nor mine for that matter. If she wishes to spend her time with me, then that is out of her own will' he said, a heavy weight settling in his stomach.
Liar. Lily wouldn't have wanted to spend time with him had she known. He didn't have long, one or two years of lies and then… Severus grimaced, dreading how she'd look at him when she realised, she'd been spending her time with an ex-Death Eater in his late thirties.
Black's gaze darted from Potter to him, his eyes glistening with a sick form of anticipation as Potter raised his wand, ready to curse him.
'Go on, Prongs, do it' Black urged him, his grin widening as Wormtail took a tentative step forward, the taller boys shielding his quivering figure.
Severus' eyes bored into the hated hazel ones. He skimmed the surface of the boy's thoughts with absurd ease, finding his mind no less transparent than his future son's had been. His eyes bore into Black's, finding his mind no better protected. Few Gryffindor were clever or subtle enough to bother with Occlumency.
'Do it, James!' Wormtail said, his eyes filled with anticipation.
'I said-'
'Oh, hello boys!' boomed Slughorn.
Wormtail squeaked as Professor Slughorn walked out of the Potions classroom, a cheerful smile plastered on his face, a smile that slowly started to fade when his eyes took in the whole scene. He looked at them all, mildly alarmed.
'Now, now, boys, there is no need to fight' he said, shaking his head disapprovingly.
'It's Snape, Professor, we were just-', Potter started, closing his mouth straight away when Slughorn cut across him.
'Ah, yes, Severus!' he said, delighted, 'I was just looking for you. Your potion was extraordinary, I've never seen anything quite like it! Tell me, m'boy, was that your first brew?' he trailed off, completely disregarding the three boys in front of him. Severus' gaze drifted to the Marauders and then back on Slughorn.
The boys looked at him, murderously, Potter's mouth hanging open in disbelief.
'Hardly' he answered, his voice delicately inflected with irony.
Slughorn clicked his tongue, waving a hand dismissively. If looks could kill, Potter's would have done the trick.
'Still, impressive. I know we already discussed careers prospects, so don't look at me like that' Slughorn said, raising a chubby finger and feigning a reproachful look.
Severus stiffened. He didn't need to remember the conversation they had had to guess how much a sixteen-year-old boy enamoured with the Dark Lord's promises must've been interested in Slughorn's career advice. And indeed, Slughorn was suddenly staring at him as though he were a bomb ready to explode. How many of his students had ended up in the Dark Lord's clutches?
'I know that you told me you're- well…', he stopped for a moment, scratching his head and appearing for the first time slightly uncomfortable, 'quite… interested in the Defence… Against the Dark Arts, that is, but I…'
Slughorn's gaze drifted briefly to the three boys, then he looked at Severus, wiping his forehead and visibly anxious.
Severus did not like where the conversation was heading. He knew that had he been any other student, Slughorn would have simply started ignoring him after such statement; but the Potions Master had always been torn between his talent for Potions and the clear nature of his ambitions, which he had always done his utmost to forget. As of now, his last potion must've awakened those old feelings.
'Severus…' he began, eyeing Potter and Black and beckoning to follow him.
'I really must insist that you consider Potions as a more suitable career, I mean… you are extraordinary talented and at such early age! I could put you in contact with the most skilful Potioneers of our time and-'
Severus resisted the urge to click his tongue in annoyance; but there were drops of sweat sliding down Slughorn's temples; it would do him no good to have him thinking he was another Death Eater in the making and a dangerous one at that. Horace was far from stupid and a noticeable improvement in his skills would make him guarded and suspicious towards everything he did or say. Indeed, the last thing Severus needed was Slughorn breathing down his neck while he tried to thwart the Dark Lord and his followers.
'I am considering it' he conceded and Slughorn momentarily froze. The Professor blinked a few times, bewildered, his mouth slightly open.
'Really?' he said, his voice torn between hope and disbelief. There was a pause, during which his old Professor dared to look into his eyes, his brow furrowed as though he feared that were he to look for more than a few seconds he would detect the hint of a lie.
'Yes' Severus answered, his tone almost borderline on annoyance. After a few moments, a happy smile stretched onto Slughorn's face, his round belly bouncing slightly as he gave an approving nod, looking visibly ecstatic and relieved.
'Very well then! Do you have a general idea of what you would like to do? As I said I-', he trailed off cheerfully.
Severus grimaced. He had no desire to indulge the Professor in a long and pointless conversation. He had been the school residing Potions Master for sixteen years; he could give himself career advice if he wished as much. And for as much as he currently lacked any connections, he had a war to focus on and currently more important matters to attend to.
'If you would excuse me… Professor', he said, 'I am afraid this conversation will have to wait. I have an arrangement with my Potions partner and-'
Slughorn froze, his eyes bulging as he stared at him.
'Lily? Lily Evans? Really?' he paused, taking in his whole figure.
Severus stiffened, his lips twisting in displeasure, for the Professor looked positively thrilled.
'But well done, m'boy, well done!' boomed Slughorn, patting him on the back with such force that for a moment Severus felt his knees buckle under the man's significant weight.
'That's wonderful! Both so young and both so talented!' Slughorn continued, oblivious to the fact that at those last words Severus' face had visibly whitened. Did he know?
Slughorn chuckled, waving a large hand dismissively, as though the fact was nothing more than old news. The colour did not return Severus' face. Was it foolish of him to hope he must have mistaken Slughorn's words? It must've been because the older wizard looked strangely proud, his knowing look leaving little space for misunderstandings.
To his horror, Severus felt himself blushing. But Slughorn did not stop there and when he chuckled again, looking fondly at him, Severus felt a new rush of hot blood creeping up his neck and ears.
'Don't try to deny it, m'boy, I can see that you like her' he said cheerfully. Severus' heart faltered, his jaw stiffening as his eyes narrowed with silent warning.
'And who wouldn't?! She's such a lovely girl, and a very charming one too' he continued, with a knowing look, oblivious to the fact that his student had seemingly turned to stone.
'I…' Severus began, closing his mouth right away.
Slughorn's gaze which had been casted upwards, drifted back on him. He chuckled, giving him another affectionate pat on the back. Severus closed his eyes for a second. Had it not been for the redness of his face, he would have looked remarkably like a statue.
Slughorn knew, this wasn't good; had he suspected Severus in his time?
It was a ridiculous thought, no one who had known him as an adult would have ever believed that a man like him could feel anything remotely close to love. And indeed, Dumbledore could've shared his deepest secret and be taken by a blabbering fool by both the Order and the Death Eaters alike. Severus had been cruel, taking pleasure in other people's suffering, his sharp tongue more than enough to quench any ideas people might have had of getting to know him better.
It had never worked on Dumbledore, of course; his barbed tongue had always been met by a look of deep sadness in the other man's eyes; sometimes, it had been enough to make Severus ashamed of himself. Contrary to popular belief, Dumbledore had never been a fool. Those blue eyes had always left him with the feeling of being able to look straight into his soul, never mind how much he'd Occluded.
'Now, now, there is no need to be embarrassed' Slughorn said wholeheartedly, looking affectionately at him and earning himself a barely concealed sneer, 'your secret is safe with me. Go on, then, you mustn't keep her waiting' he finished with a broad smile and a wink, his hands resting on his waistcoat pockets.
Severus grimaced, nodding slightly before he turned his back to the prying Professor, fearing how many more people now knew what, for the last two decades, had been his most guarded secret.
The Library was strangely quiet; the afternoon light coming from the tall windows strong enough to hurt his tired eyes. Judging by the inane chatter he'd been subjected to during meal time, Severus had learned that the weather had been cold and damp for most of the year. He could not remember the current year being any different to the ones that had followed, but then again, Severus had rarely taken notice or cared about the weather.
The days were incredibly short during the winter and far too long during the Summer, with the Highlands often swept by strong showers and bone chilling winds; and yet, over the years Severus had become fond of Scotland and of its peace and quiet. His visits to London had become all the more unpleasant; not that he had ever been fond of crowds in the first place.
Severus took in a deep breath, his nose picking up the familiar scent of books and old leather. He'd had plenty of books in his quarters, but it had been a long time since he'd perused those shelves without fear of being attacked by both staff and students; the narrow space between each shelf offering scarce visibility. Twice they'd attempted to poison him and during his first months as Headmaster he'd often been subject to a range of spell that went from more or less harmless prank to curses.
Dumbledore's murderer had been written outside his office with paint the same colour as blood. He'd been white with fury, his anger hiding the fact that the sight had made him sick to his stomach, his hands shaking when he'd vanished it. He knew that the Staff had turned a blind eye when they'd come across such behaviour. He'd often wondered if the poison had come from Sinistra.
Severus rubbed his weary eyes, the adrenaline rushing quickly into his veins upon spotting Flitwick and Minerva. Still, he had nothing to fear from the staff, not now and most certainly not in this wretched time. His lips thinned, his mouth feeling as though he'd just swallowed something bitter.
They looked at him briefly before going back to their conversation. His first reaction was to stiffen, a part of his mind still wandering under the delusion that they might be talking about him and the Carrows; but they were both smiling, their faces still untouched by the war, by a whole year spent protecting the students from the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters.
Severus forced his eyes away, his stomach churning. It was a strange thought to realise that they were yet to hate him. Indeed, a part of him felt compelled to join them. His jaw tightened as his eyes rested on his knobbly knees. He blinked, almost startled.
Of course, that would have certainly gone well. He could just imagine how they would have looked at him had he not be presented with a visual reminder of his current… condition. They would've looked at each other, rather confused and then, after a short pause, Flitwick would have asked whether he had some questions in regard to his assignments.
Severus bristled, because that was exactly what he was doing, completing rudimentary assignments. After having been a teacher for sixteen years and, albeit unwillingly, the school's Headmaster, having being stripped of all his privileges was nothing short of humiliating. Of course, even more embarrassing was the fact that Severus was currently pretending to study a fifth-year textbook. The only reason being that Lily had asked that of him and that she was very much alive and real, the mere sight of her twisting his insides with guilt and... relief.
Severus flinched when his gaze drifted to the young redhead girl beside him; after a while his eyes softened ever so slightly.
She was checking her essay, her expression one of deep concentration, her chest rising and falling with each slow breath. He felt… calmer in her presence, the anger in regard to his current predicament slowly melting away. It was enough to quench the otherwise tediousness of having an already written essay in front of him. Lily, not wanting to be influenced by his findings, had asked him the courtesy of waiting for her to finish before discussing what they had written.
She had scowled at Severus for not mentioning he had already finished his essay on the previous day; not that Severus, or at least the current Severus, could even remember when he must've finished it. He looked at the books at her side, the tomes she had picked for her research were all N.E.W.T level; Flitwick had often encouraged his students to try themselves with difficult readings and never shy away from knowledge regardless of the form it took.
A guide to Non-verbal Advanced Casting by Eulalie Hicks. Severus' lips twitched. Lily had always been fond of her work. An intelligent and witty academic that had fought in a war, opposing Grindelwald's hateful ideology. Severus tried not to dwell on the thought. He'd read the book, of course. Lily had been surprised when he'd admitted as much when she'd asked him if he wanted to read it. Of course, Severus hadn't mentioned that he'd read it in his seventh year.
His eyes fell on the entrance of the Restricted Section, free access to those books had been one of the perks of being a Professor and the reason why so many academics inevitably gravitated towards Hogwarts. The oldest magical library in the Old Continent, personally built by Rowena Ravenclaw and Salazar Slytherin after many years of travel and filled with volumes covering the entirety of wizarding history.
The Dark Lord had studied some of those books, books that for that due to their dark nature, Hogwarts' current Headmaster had deemed appropriate to remove. It was common knowledge amongst the staff that Dumbledore kept those forbidden books hidden in his office. Indeed, it wasn't the sort of reading material Dumbledore would have taken pleasure in knowing Severus was reading; but Severus could not help but wonder just how many books the Headmaster had removed before the start of his teaching career.
He had never lost his fascination with the Dark Arts. It was a morbid interest; his year as a DADA Professor had been as close as he'd ever gotten to enjoy teaching. More importantly, Dumbledore had trusted him with teaching the subject and Severus had stubbornly proven to him that his fascination had not been not enough to forget a life stricken with guilt.
As of now, Severus was looking forward to some new and questionable reading material. He wasn't a child. The prospect that he might get caught or that madam Pince's spells would keep him away was ludicrous of course. Merlin knew, the woman had never failed to eye him distrustfully. Severus had often wondered if she'd known what he was.
All of a sudden, he felt a light touch on his shoulder. He flinched, his eyes snapping back on Lily's.
'Sev? Are you alright? Don't tell me you already checked both essays' she said, giving him a nervous smile, her eyes betraying a hint of worry as they moved between the Restricted Section and him.
Severus stiffened; it was all too clear that she hadn't liked the look on his face. Lily had abhorred Dark Magic. She had always been afraid it would end up corrupting him, unable to understand how anyone could be so passionate about something so twisted and evil.
Admittedly, with the benefit of hindsight, she had had more than a few reasons to fear his love for the Dark Arts. It was one of the reasons that had drawn him to the Death Eaters. Dark magic and the promise of power; amongst other things of course. But he was no longer a boy. What in his youth had been a morbid obsession, at this point in life, was a healthy and purely intellectual fascination, or so Severus liked to tell himself.
He'd used his knowledge to save both his and his allies over the years and he had rarely used it at all. That being said, Lily's blood would have probably curdled had she known just how much of an expert Severus now was in the subject.
'May I?' she asked after a while, gesturing to the assignment his younger-self had completed.
She was still uncomfortable, staring at him as though she feared he might suddenly head straight to the Restricted Section. He glanced sideways at her, staring at her outstretched hand with sudden wariness. Perhaps his time would have been better spent proofreading his essay; even though a quick look at it had told him that it had not been poorly written.
A small crease appeared between Severus' eyebrow. With a grim look, he saw himself handing her two separate pieces of parchment and being handed her newly written essay in turn. He flinched once again when their fingers brushed.
He had considered rewriting it. Lily had always been more intuitive when it came to Charms, sharing an insatiable thirst for knowledge and spell design. To this day, he was still reluctant to admit that, while Charms had most certainly been one of his strongest subjects, he wouldn't have reached such mastery of it had he not forced himself to spend countless hours studying it, so that the more naturally gifted Lily would not think him unintelligent. He suspected she'd done very much the same when it had come to Potions; the memory caused a weary twitch of his lips.
Severus looked critically at the notes that had been accompanying his essay; four sheets, written in a small and cramped writing, each letter long and spidery. A writing unmistakably his and yet slightly different. His lips twitched in displeasure when he realised what had picked up his teenage-self's interest. Two whole pages that thoroughly examined whether or not the Silencing Charm could be turned into a curse.
Severus couldn't help but feeling as though he had been caught red-handed. It was a peculiar thought. He had nearly forgotten his attempts to make both Charms and Transfiguration more… appealing in his youth. His eyes focused on Lily once more. He moved the incriminating pieces of parchments away from her, feeling a pang of guilt.
He knew she would not have been impressed by the nature of his research. He could hardly see her being pleased with her best friend's intention to transform her favourites spells in Dark Magic. He grimaced, vanishing the incriminating with a wordless Evanesco.
He rubbed his eyes, making a mental note to thoroughly check all his books for their next… studying session; for Severus had shamefully agreed to meet her there, thrice a week. His lips thinned, this time out of hopelessness and embarrassment.
He pressed his back against the back of his chair, staring at the students surrounding him, a group of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws thoroughly going through their own studying plan. Indeed, his logical mind was still struggling to believe that he had willingly consented to spend his future evenings studying for an exam that he could have passed that very day with his eyes closed. If Dumbledore could have seen him now, he would have regarded him with one of those infuriating smiles. He was struggling to recognise himself; Lily had always had that power on him.
Was he really that desperate? He looked at the list of homework she had created for them both, feeling suddenly idiotic; because, apparently yes, he really was that desperate.
He sighed.
Five minutes later, Lily returned his assignment. Severus averted his eyes, his stomach lurching when her lips stretched in a beautiful smile. His heart seemed to swell in his chest, his forehead set in a scowl.
Good Merlin, he was pathetic, he thought; his heart fluttering just because she had smiled.
'I doubt you're going to get anything less than an O' Lily said, smiling brightly at him.
'Indeed' he said flatly, the forced smile on his lips menacing to turn into a grimace.
Lily stared at him, tilting her head, her bright green tinged with a hint of worry.
'You've been really quiet today' she said after a while, her eyes lingering on his face long enough that Severus almost slouched under her gaze.
She had thought he looked ill; he wondered if he looked as tired as he felt. Regardless, he could not remember ever being particularly talkative, not even as a teen. His forehead crinkled, but when he tried to open his mouth to reply, Lily shook her head.
'I didn't mean it as a bad thing', she added quickly, giving him a reassuring smile, 'it's just… we spent a nice day you and me, didn't we?' she said, a note of sadness in her voice.
Lily shifted on her seat, looking a bit uncomfortable when Severus did not reply. She stared at him. She gulped when she realised he was staring at her too. For a split second she had once again the impression that there was something different in his eyes. Her gaze drifted to the Restricted section; it was undeniable that he had been staring at it for at least twenty minutes. She could only hope he wasn't planning anything bad.
She knew he was still furious about Potter's latest prank. He hadn't been the same since Potter had saved him from whatever was lurking in the Whomping Willow. He hadn't told her anything more than that Potter had tricked him and that he had only done it to save his neck and his friends' too. She had gotten the impression that something more must've happened, judging by the seriousness of Potter and Lupin's expressions.
Marlene had told her that Potter had risked his own life to save him, the only reason why Severus had been in danger in the first place being that he had been out after curfew, trying to get them expelled. Lily rubbed her eyes; she looked at him again and for a second she thought she saw a flicker of pain in his eyes.
Severus had never been an easy person to read. He was socially awkward, guarded and hated showing any sign of weakness or anything that could be used against him. It was easy for him to assume the worst in people. Lily sometimes wondered what would have happened if they hadn't met when they'd been children. Would she have thought him horrible like they all did?
Things had been easier before Hogwarts. Did he still care about her, like he used to when they were children? She could see him stiffen every time he saw her whilst in the company of his Slytherin friends. He usually averted his eyes, looking at her as though she was little more than a stranger and it… hurt. She often wondered why he had lie to her and say that being a Muggleborn didn't make a difference.
She could distinctly remember Severus' mother looking at her as though she were a piece of dirt. She shuddered. Muggleborns were not well liked in Slytherin, but then again, she'd seen how they treated Severus for being a Half-blood. How could he spend his time with such loathsome people? How could he allow them to treat him as though he was less of them?
It made her blood boil. They were a bunch of cruel bullies; it was no secrets what they were aiming to be and Severus… why would he be willing to endure a similar treatment if he wasn't heading the same way? Why couldn't he see that everything they stood for was wrong? How could he think it would be a good idea to follow such a madman?
Lily shuddered. A part of her kept insisting that even if he did become a Dark Wizard he would never turn into a horrible monster, but the truth was that she'd seen the dark look in his eyes when had Mulciber pulled up one of his sick jokes. Merlin knew, she couldn't even think about Severus becoming a Death Eater without feeling physically ill.
She fixed her eyes on him, taking a deep breath and feeling suddenly anxious.
'I don't want us to drift apart, Sev', she started, taking a shaky breath, 'I'm glad we could study together today, but the truth is that we… we barely even talk anymore and things are getting worse' she finished, a heavy weight settling in her stomach as she glanced sideways at him.
There, she had said it. She waited for him to deny the truthfulness of her words, to say that with the upcoming O.W.L.s they barely had time to talk to each other anymore, but he didn't. Lily blinked, because contrary to all her predictions, far from ignoring her or looking angry, he looked… pained.
'I don't want us to drift apart either, Lily' he said, looking at her straight in the eyes. She shook her head, the look in those previously emotionless eyes causing her head to spin. He, this… If he didn't want to, then why would he…
'But… Sev…' she started, shifting uncomfortably, her mind going one hundred miles an hour. For had she really been reading the signs all wrong?
She stopped for a moment, opening her mouth a few times before she finally found the strength to voice her thoughts.
'You looked so ill yesterday that it felt wrong to bring it up, but…but you forgot about our meeting and obviously I'm not angry with you because of that, but... I thought that maybe you just didn't want to spend the evening with me, that you thought it wasn't important… but now you are here and this morning you have been very nice, risking to disregard your own potion to help me and all' she breathed, a small crease forming between her eyebrows as she shot him a cautious look.
Severus' lips parted and Lily's heart sank. He really had forgot about it, hadn't he? She waited a few seconds, but before she could say anything, he sighed, looking suddenly tired.
'I…', he started, shamefully averting his eyes, his guilt causing her to regret ever voicing her thoughts. Severus shook his head.
'Think nothing of it. I should have apologised earlier, that was unacceptable, I did not realise we had an arrangement. That being said, I… I will assure you that I most certainly do not deem our meetings unimportant' he said gravely, his eyes meeting hers.
His answer was so weird and formal that Lily couldn't help but blink a few times. He… he did not…
'You do not deem our meetings unimportant?' she slowly repeated, her mouth slowly twisting in a grimace.
She eyed him uneasily. He was being weird and overly formal. Now that she came to think of it, he had been talking like that both that morning and the day before. She had thought he was just trying to be funny but… he sounded so much like one of those stuck-up purebloods that she couldn't help but shudder at the implications.
Alas, oblivious to her state of mind, Severus merely nodded, looking as though he hadn't even realised he had said something peculiar.
'Precisely. Can you forgive me?' he said, looking warily at her. It felt as though he was trying to look right through her and Lily noticed that his body was strangely tense, his brow furrowed as though he feared she might suddenly get angry.
She stared at him, utterly confused, unsure whether she was more disturbed by his formal apology or odd demeanour. He couldn't be thinking she wouldn't forgive him for such a thing, could he?
'Of course, I forgive you, Sev, it's not that… I just…. At the time I thought you might've decided to meet up with your Slytherin friends instead' she said sheepishly, because truth be told, she doubted Severus must've had much social interactions on that day.
There was still a note of apprehension in her voice though, because wasn't that exactly what she'd feared? He was spending more and more time with Mulciber and his crowd, seemingly unconcerned by their sadistic streak, doing nothing to stop their harassment and… Severus looked at her, his lips parting in confusion.
His jaw stiffened.
'My Slytherin… friends?' he repeated, his lips curling in a sneer; that new expression, added with the haughty look on his face, causing Lily to shiver.
He looked at her as though she had just insulted him. As though she had just suggested something absurd; as though she'd been imagining things for the past year. She forced herself to take a deep breath, forcing herself to remain calm.
'Yes, Severus, your Slytherin friends! Quite frankly you're spending an awful lot of time with Avery and Mulciber and I'm worried about you, they're evil, can't you see it? They can't wait to join You-Know-Who and Mulciber is dangerous, Sev, you know he is' she said pleadingly.
Severus looked at her and whilst he was not laughing, his lips twitched almost imperceptibly at her last words, as though the notion that Mulciber could be dangerous was amusing to him. Lily flinched. She didn't like that look in his eyes, she didn't like it at all. It was almost as though he knew something she didn't. As though, as Mary and Marlene said, he could be just as dangerous. She shuddered, deeply disturbed by that thought.
'I refuse to be threatened by Mulciber; him and Avery are two pathetic little boys unworthy of my time. I can assure you, Lily, that I do not plan on associating myself with such people any further' he said sneered.
Lily's jaw slackened. She stared at him, wide-eyed and dumbfounded, too shocked to say anything.
What the fuck?
Her head was spinning. She looked at her best friend as though he had gone temporarily insane, for she couldn't have heard correctly, he couldn't have just told her what she thought he had. She had seen him hanging out with those horrible boys not longer than three days before, tailing quietly after Lestrange and Mulciber.
He couldn't have possibly changed his mind, not so quickly. He had never listened to anything she'd said about his questionable friendships, why would he…
Oh…
Lily's eyes narrowed, for he couldn't seriously think she was that stupid. Her lips quivered, her green eyes shining with barely repressed tears. And to think that she had almost fallen for it. She was an idiot, so desperate to believe him that she hadn't even noticed he had slowly told her exactly what she'd wanted to hear. Lily wondered how she could've let herself being manipulated so easily; the thought that Severus would lie to her like that…
She looked at him disdainfully, feeling angry and betrayed.
'Of course, you don't' she said, hurt, glaring at him as she got up. Severus blinked, looking at her with the utmost confusion.
Oh, he was good, she could give him that.
'Lily, I don't-'
He stood up, but it was too late. Lily shoved her notes and books inside her bag, swinging it on her shoulder. She looked at him with distrust, her eyes prickling with tears.
'I just wish you stopped lying to me'
Severus was still standing where Lily had left him, his frustration deepening by the minute. He looked down at his essay, feeling both disheartened and foolish.
He had been a spy time for seventeen years, he had lied to the most powerful wizard of their times and died without him being any the wiser and now? There was irony in his situation, of course. For of all the lies he had told in his life and his devoted servant act, it was humiliating to know that he was incapable of impersonating himself.
He sighed, pinching the bridge of his large nose. Perhaps, the problem lay in the fact that he did not want to remember the boy he had been. Perhaps he did not want to be the boy who'd betrayed her, the boy who'd uttered that word. Severus had wanted to forget that even a few months prior to the accident by the lake their friendship had been a very fragile thing.
He had forgotten that she had long since stopped trusting him, that she had long since started considering ending their friendship. He grimaced. Was it really surprising that she would not believe him? Severus had given her no reason to trust him; of course, she would call him a liar.
She wasn't stupid, which was also one of the reasons why Severus liked her; she had always been much more than a beautiful girl. She was also nothing like him; she'd always had a way with people, he'd often thought she would've been a force to be reckoned with had she gone through the trouble of learning Legilimency.
Those green eyes had always been able to look straight into his soul. Had he really expected she would believe he had had a sudden and complete change of heart? In Severus' own experience people hardly changed so drastically and a part of him had had to die for him to be reborn. He'd had to sink to the depths of Hell before he could realise the magnitude of his sins. Nothing would have swayed him from his path, only her and it had taken her death by his hand.
It was with a hint of discomfort that Severus realised that Lily had been ready to cry. He had never cared for tears; he had found emotional displays unwelcome and downright amusing when they'd come from his students. Life was cruel and unfair. That was a lesson that needed to be learnt sooner rather than later. Eleven years old ought to be old enough to understand that. Severus certainly had.
Not that Lily would have agreed with Severus on the matter, neither as a teenager nor as a grown woman. The irony of the whole situation was not lost to him. Life might have been cruel, but there were some things that could be helped. Would she think him a cruel man if she knew how he treated others?
If there had been something he had despised more than students' tears, that had been other people's happiness. Nymphadora running away with Lupin, as though there could have ever been a future for them; getting herself pregnant in the middle of a war. Bellatrix had found great joy in describing what she'd do to her newly born nephew were she to get her hands on him. Lupin should have known better.
Severus had enjoyed making others as miserable as he was, it'd made things easier. Not that such comfort had ever been long lived; indeed, he rarely ended up feeling any better. If Lily could have seen Severus in those moments, she would have been disgusted by his behaviour. Indeed, there had been moments in which he himself had been downright disgusted.
But he could have never been like her. Lily had never struggled to do the right thing; it hadn't been in her nature to be cruel. There was irony in the fact that she'd ended up caring for people like Severus and her sister. Petunia had been family of course, but she'd shared Severus' gift in making other people miserable.
Only once Lily had actively tried to hurt him. Her voice shaking as she'd uttered Potter's hateful nickname, as though she could barely bring herself to say it. Never mind that in his humiliation Severus had so easily betrayed her. Indeed, she'd not said much to him at all after that day, their following interactions having Lily stare at Severus as though he'd been a trusted animal that had suddenly turned savage. As though she couldn't quite understand when or why that'd happened.
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose, gathering his things with a flick of his wrist, his tattered bag looking as though it might rip at any moment, the spells keeping it together unable to do much at this point. And rip it did, his hand barely catching a book before he could land on the floor. He glared at a Ravenclaw boy when he heard him snicker.
Children, he thought with annoyance, his skin prickling as he cast another reinforcing charm. A temporary fix. Merlin, he had always suspected that the bag had been his mother's. She hadn't as much as batted an eye when Severus had complained about the charms not keeping it together for more than a few weeks; her indifference causing an ugly blush to spread to his cheeks. Even at that point he had told himself that he should have known she would not care.
One thing for sure, he had never been spoiled. He was still feeling on edge as he left the corridor; telling himself he couldn't leave her wandering the castle in such a state, it wasn't safe. Severus might have been a liar, but he hadn't lied to Lily in regard to Avery and Mulciber; he had no desire whatsoever to join the Dark Lord's ranks and cause her death. Indeed, he would rather die.
He could not offer her much, but no good would come from having Lily believe he still wanted to join the Death Eaters. The future might have been uncertain, but Severus could at least spare her that much. She'd have enough things to worry about without fearing Severus might end up selling both Lily and her family to the Dark Lord.
If they were still to drift apart, it wouldn't be because of that; it would be when it'll be safe to tell her that he had been everything she'd fear and more. After all, even the ones who had been aware Severus was not a loyal Death Eater had never thought Severus was a good person; he'd never be worthy of someone like her.
Severus gulped. Until then… he would keep her safe. He had spent so much time lying that he wasn't even sure he knew who he was anymore, but Lily was the only thing that mattered in this world where he didn't really belong.
Severus looked around, checking the deserted corridor; then he closed his eyes.
'Expecto Patronum' he whispered and then a silver doe erupted from his wand, its light faintly reflecting on a nearby window.
It bowed its head, standing in front of him as it patiently waited for instructions.
Severus averted his eyes, ashamed. He had always thought curious how a creature made of happiness and light could bring him nothing but anguish.
The silver doe stepped closer, sniffing his hand. His fingers contracted as he stared at it, fearing that upon the smallest contact, it would disappear; fearing that, somehow, his smallest touch alone would taint that beautiful creature, ruining it forever.
'Find Lily' he said, casting a quick Disillusionment Charm as the silver doe nodded.