Chapter 10 – Dreamland
'Morning, Marlene' Lily said, a warm smile plastered on her face as she greeted her friend, her nasty words towards Severus long forgotten. Marlene blinked, a wary look crossing her sleepy face, but Lily merely shook her head, unable to find a shred of resentment towards the other redhead.
'Why are you in such a good mood?' Marlene inquired, not daring to believe she would just silently forgive everything that had transpired between them. Lily shrugged, the conversation between her and Sev too private for her to share with any of her other friends, no matter how much Mary had nagged her in the past few days, her inexplicable happiness failing to go unnoticed by the attentive Muggleborn.
Well… it wasn't as though Mary and Marlene would ever believe Severus' change to be genuine anyway. Unlike Lily, they wouldn't think much of the fact that not once since that night she had caught him seeking the company of those horrible boys. They'd think nothing of his polite and respectable behaviour.
She loved both Mary and Marlene, but quite frankly she was tired of listening to their prejudiced rants. She was tired of hearing why Severus Snape, as any other member of his House for that matter, could not be trusted. She did not want to listen to their spiteful words about him, she didn't want them to call him a horrible person, because for the first time in months, Lily felt confident in her decision to trust him again.
She smiled, her mind drifting back to the night he had escorted her back to Gryffindor Tower, acting like a real gentleman. It had been an awkward walk until, unable to bear the silence any longer, Lily had offered him a timid smile. Severus had quickly averted his eyes, a dull blush creeping up his sallow cheeks when she had complimented him on the states of his robes, impressed by how much he had managed to fix them and secretly glad he had finally decided to learn a skill that didn't have anything to do with Dark Magic.
Lily nodded to herself, remembering how quickly he had finished his homework the other day or how helpful he had been, his suggestion to include both species of Gillyweed in her essay earning her an extra mark. Yes, Sev was brilliant and even more so, because he would never join the Death Eaters. Her smile widened, until all of a sudden, Lily found herself beaming.
'Now, what are you not telling us, Lils?' Marline said, a wolfish grin finding its way across her freckled face.
She blinked, Marlene's odd expression calling her back to the present moment. She frowned in confusion, noticing that Mary too had turned to face her, her heavy school bag slowly falling back on the bed as she paid it no notice. The two girls exchanged a meaningful look, a mischievous smile threatening to break through their lips.
'Come on, Lils, who did you shag? Mary and I had been meaning to ask what happened on Tuesday night. He must've been good, you've been smiling ever since. Come on, no need to be embarrassed, it's just us. Besides, it's normal to be in good mood, when you-', Marlene could not finish, because a second later, Mary set off in an uncontrolled round of giggles.
Lily's eyes widened, her face flushing scarlet as she finally understood what they had thought she had done the night she and Sev had talked about Death Eaters and lost trust. That was why they had been giggling behind her back the following morning and the day after, they had thought she…
Lily lit up like a Christmas tree, her eyes darting between Mary and Marlene.
'Go on then, we want all the juicy details' Marlene said eagerly, leaning forward as she whispered the last words, as though she had not just been shouting a moment before. Lily's eyes darted to Dorcas, her face becoming even redder when the tall girl merely raised an eyebrow, shaking her head before turning back to minding her own business.
Lily looked back at Marlene, growing uncomfortable. She wanted to tell them that nothing had happened, that she had spent some quality time with her best friend, but as soon as she opened her mouth to reply, she closed it straight away. God knew what they'd think about that. They'd probably assume she had just… shagged… Sev of all people.
Lily flushed. Sev… Sev was her friend, he wasn't…. She averted her eyes, trying to imagine how he'd look at her if he knew what her friends were implying. He'd probably be embarrassed if not downright annoyed by their obscene thoughts about him. In fact, judging by how much he had been glaring at a particularly passionate couple of lovebirds the other day, she would've said he seemed to have little patience for those things. It would've been funny hadn't he always been nothing short of unpleasant whenever he saw her smiling after receiving a particularly nice Valentine card.
Mindless idiots, he had once called them. And despite having been willing to defend her admirers, Lily had blushed when he'd told her they all couldn't have cared less about her personality. She hadn't liked his unspoken implication. Sev had always been a jealous friend, but judging by what her girlfriends said he might not have been completely biased in his accusations. Mary and Marlene too had often told her that most boy were just interested in shagging at their age, even though, quite frankly Lily would've gone as far as to say that that wasn't something Marlene seemed to mind; she thought, her eyes carefully assessing her redheaded friend.
Lily had only kissed twice. Fabian Prewett had been older than her, tall and charming, and a much better kisser than the sloppy Edward Stevens. It had quickly turned out that the boy hadn't been after anything too serious, his wet kisses often turning into wetter snogging. She hadn't liked that; they hadn't had much in common either. Still, Lily had never had sex and to this day, she still couldn't imagine herself doing it without flushing. Never mind that she had never exactly known what she should imagine to begin with.
Petunia had always refused to share anything with her and it had been her father who had been required to give her an awkwardly delivered speech about the birds and the bees. He was a doctor, her mother had said, who else could better explain it? Needless to say, that even from the perspective of a thirteen-year-old girl, her father's explanation had seemed lacking.
"I'll tell you when you're older" her had reassured her when, at the end of his speech, Lily had opened her mouth to ask more prodding questions.
Petunia had looked outraged when she had asked her, hastily saying that a respectable woman didn't need to know anything more than what her father had told her. Thirteen-year-old Lily hadn't really wanted her older sister to think she wasn't respectable, no more than she already did at least, so she had quickly stopped asking questions.
Later on, only Marlene had been eager to share with her roommates some juicy details; but despite being undeniably curious Lily had tried to convince herself that it wasn't right for her to listen. Alas, despite her best efforts, sometimes she had found herself lingering on their room's threshold a little longer, the lack of information that came with a slightly conservative upbringing preventing her to leave.
Marlene's excited tales of rough sex in the broom closet and passionate kissing had been a far cry from her father's scientific and dry explanations. She'd wondered what they'd said if Lily did something like that.
'Come on, Lils! Who is he? For poor Mary and James' sake, better not be Sirius' laughed Marlene, rolling on her back when Mary's eyes snapped on Lily's, her face suddenly alarmed.
It was enough for Lily to forget Marlene's implications and crack a smile, glad not to be the centre of everyone's attention. She shook her head, struggling not to laugh when Mary looked not only deeply offended, but also started to glared at Marlene, her eyes narrowed in warning.
'If you say one more word about it, Marlene', Mary started, 'I swear I'll…', Lily ducked, just in time to avoid the pillow meant to hit Mary, which hit Dorcas instead. There was a moment of silence, then Marlene fell back on her bed, not even bothering to keep herself from laughing.
Dorcas smirked, her eyes gleaming as her fingers closed around the pillow. Marlene barely had the time to realise what was happening before the unfortunate pillow hit her straight in the face.
'Oi!' Marlene said, hiding behind her bed when she spotted the evil grin on Mary's face, her pillow held fiercely in her hand as she prepared herself to take her revenge on Marlene.
Dorcas and Marlene exchanged a look and before she knew it, Lily found herself in the middle of a pillow fight, the sound of their happy laugher echoing in the stone walls of Gryffindor Tower.
Too tired to remember what sort of torture he would be subjected to that morning, Severus walked toward the Great Hall exit, unfolding the small timetable he had just withdrawn from his worn pocket. He read it, his lips thinning as his eyes fixed on the first period: Transfiguration.
Before he could stop himself, he turned around, his heart beating a little faster when his eyes fell on Minerva McGonagall. She was talking to Dumbledore, both looking years younger than when he had last seen them. He scowled.
As it was, Transfiguration turned out to be another slow form of torture for Severus, a cacophony of sounds he'd always been glad had had no place to exist in the Potions classroom. He stared at the struggling students around him, their tongues caught in between their teeth as they tried to vanish a matchbox. He hadn't even bothered vanishing his own. He scowled, his eyes drifting to the row of desks at his right, where Lily was sitting, the cacophony of Evanescos echoing around him already giving him a headache.
There was no point in him "trying" to perform a number of spells that he had long since learnt now that she wasn't looking, for the previous days Lily had not been pleased to see him scowling at the idea of completing his homework. The situation would have been almost funny, her concern for his academic performance touching, had he not been a teacher, his former profession making him wonder whether he had not ended up in a new circle of Hell, studied specifically for him.
He had been a spy for seventeen years, but for some strange reason the idea of his colleagues watching him "struggle" to complete their assignment was simply unacceptable. He wondered what Minerva would think of him if she knew what he was now forced to do to keep appearances. He could already see her struggling to keep herself from laughing, the whole ordeal added with his boyish appearance quite amusing for a woman who had shared his same duties for seventeen years.
Severus stared at the much younger Minerva in front of him. She was not smiling as she looked at him, her mouth setting in a hard line when her eyes fixed on his very solid matchbox. She walked towards him, looking down at him with an expression of utmost contempt. Severus scowled at her silent warning, resisting the urge to sneer as he drew his wand, vanishing the matchbox before her eyes. She blinked, her eyes widening slightly, a reaction that left him torn between amusement and displeasure.
Surely if Miss Granger could perform most of her spells at the first attempt, then so could he, he thought, his lips twitching.
'That does not excuse you from practising, Mr. Snape. Three points to Slytherin for an excellent display of magic' she said sternly, walking around the classroom to examine the work of her students.
Mulciber sniggered, smiling at him before he seemed to realise they were no longer "mates". Severus noticed that Mulciber had gone as far as giving him the thumbs up, Rabastan Lestrange looking disgusted as his cold eyes rested on his fellow pureblood, his behaviour embarrassing them all.
Severus sighed, his eyes following his former colleague as she returned to her desk, sitting in the heavy armchair behind it. She stared at the pile of unmarked essays in front of her, her forehead crinkling as she began going through it, her fingers moving through the pages until she seemed to find what she was looking for. She gave him a sharp look, then she dipped her quill and started to read.
Severus' mouth thinned. Did she expect him to vanish matchboxes for the whole day? What a waste of time, he thought, crossing his arms as two more matchboxes appeared in front of him. Severus huffed, vanishing them both with a quick flick of his wand. He scowled at his empty desk, only to notice that two rows of desks behind Lily, Potter was seething.
Had he not been foolish enough to allow the boy to follow him that night, placing his and his friend's life in danger, he would have found it harder not to smile, but as it was, Severus merely raised an eyebrow at him. Potter's jaw trembled with fury as his eyes darted from Severus' face and wand to the desk where he had just vanished the matchbox.
But of course, Severus thought, sneeringly. He had forgotten that Transfiguration had been the boy's favourite subject, he and his friends being illegal animagi and all. Well, well, he thought, his eyes gleaming with amusement as Potter tried to repeat what he had just done, his face reddening as he stubbornly tried to vanish two matchboxes at once, the fight so unfair that after a few minutes Severus found himself annoyed by his own pettiness.
He heard Minerva sigh, their eyes meeting for the briefest of seconds before she flicked her wand in his direction. Severus froze, raising his own before he realised that she had not wished to attack him, her spell hitting the wooden surface of his desk. He blinked as a white kitten appeared before his eyes. He looked at Minerva, confused when she raised both her eyebrows at him.
'You may want to continue practising, Mr. Snape. That kitten won't vanish on its own' she said, her voice neither kind nor unpleasant, her expression telling him that he was in no position to refuse.
Severus scowled, his eyes drifting to the mewing animal in front of him. He could feel that some students had stopped chanting their spells, turning their heads to look at him, some of them surprised, some of them irked by the fact that he had been allowed to move to the upper stage.
'Professor, may I have a cat as well? I can do it, the matchbox is no challenge!' James Potter said, a note of urgency in his voice as he looked hopefully at his favourite teacher. It was a clear sign of his Head of House's fondness for him the fact that her sharp eyes softened a bit as she looked at him.
'Well, evidently it is Mr. Potter. I'm afraid you'll have to learn how to vanish two matchboxes before moving to creatures' she said gently, the corner of her lip pulling upwards.
Severus' mouth thinned, the harshness of her gaze not at all lost to him as her eyes drifted back on him. Similarly to Dumbledore, Severus had nearly forgotten the look of disappointed that she'd always have in her eyes whenever she looked at him. He wondered what they'd said about him in the Staff room.
Severus frowned, his eyes drifting back to the white kitten, the cat blatantly ignoring his glare. He would have to wait at least until seventh year before he'd start to find any form of revising remotely interesting. He sincerely hoped that Dumbledore would put him to some use before then. He could already feel his mind wasting. Severus sneered, stiffening when he realised that the kitten was now moving closer to him, unsteady on its four legs. He gave it a warning look, but the cat did not seem to understand, instead it started to nuzzle his wand, looking at him with its big blue eyes.
He leaned back in his bench. It would not do for him to vanish it at the first try, he thought, his eyes darting across the room, but only James Potter and Lupin were staring at him. It was the faint sound of sniffing that caused him to turn once again towards his furry assignment. Severus blinked, the kitten standing less than an inch from his ugly face, sniffing his nose. He did not move as the cat inched even closer, until all of a sudden it licked his nose. The sound of laugher hit him like a tidal wave, his face twisting in a fit of rage and fury as he vanished the kitten.
He wiped his nose, his cheeks flushed in embarrassment as he turned towards Lupin and Potter, Black and Wormtail's laughs quickly joining their friends as Potter retold the tale in their ears.
He gritted his teeth, his fingers trembling as his eyes darted to Lily, desperate that she might've seen the whole scene. But she was merely scowling, a frown etched on her face as she eyed Potter with great dislike, apparently oblivious that they had once again managed to make a fool out of him. He never noticed that a third person had witnessed the scene; Minerva McGonagall's gaze was still focused where the cat had vanished, her eyes clouded by dark thoughts.
'Look at that Padfoot, it's Snivellus our new Transfiguration prodigy and vanquisher of kittens! I wondered how he did it. Dark Magic if you ask me. Shall we show him what happens to people who cheat? I wonder what Evans would have to say about it' Potter sneered; his wand held arrogantly in his hand as he approached him.
Severus huffed, their appearance unsurprising. He had been expecting it, the sight of Lily waiving at him at the end of the class enough for Potter to pull another ridiculous stunt. How very predictable. Their invasive map barely gave him any peace these days, no matter whether it was the father or the son the one using it, Severus thought, eyeing the old piece of parchment protruding from Potter's pocket.
No wonder Lily had thought him paranoid whenever he had accused Potter of following his every movement. At the young age of sixteen he had not known about the bloody map; she hadn't known about it, the idea that he had people following him wherever he went, day and night, sounding ridiculous to his own ears.
His expression darkened. He should've confiscated it when he had had the chance, the memory of Lupin removing it from his hands causing him to swallow his own bile once more. Had he brushed the surface of Lupin's thoughts he would've known exactly what it was. Had he confiscated it when he had had the chance, Harry Potter would not have been able to recreate it, he would not have been able to use it as his father had against him.
Severus scowled, his eyes resting on Potter Sr., the boy who had come back from the dead to torment him with school grades and hexed broomsticks.
'I mean, I don't like cats, but I mourned the poor thing, it probably died from grease' Black barked, earning himself a laugh from Wormtail.
Severus' lips twitched.
'Humour me, Black, did you chase yours before you vanished it?' he said, his voice delicately veiled with irony.
Potter's face whitened, the colour draining from him as silence fell between them. The three boys looked at each other, Black being the first one to recover, his hands closing into fists as he took a step forward, attempting to physically threaten him.
'What did you just say?' he said, his teeth bared as he pointed his wand at him.
'Careful, Black. My patience with you and your little friends is running quite thin at the moment', Severus snarled, 'I will not be followed around by a gang of baboons. I wish to be left alone and that would be it' he finished curtly, his voice barely more than a whisper.
'We don't care about your wishes, Snivellus. We still need to pay you back for our brooms. Dorcas should've hexed your balls off. That is, if you even got a prick in those dirty pants. Shall we take a look, Padfoot?' Potter said with a nasty grin on his face. 'Petrificus Totalus' he yelled, pointing his wand at him, a spark of red light coming out of its tip.
Severus blocked the spell without effort, his hand moving so fast that Potter barely had time to blink. The boy fell back, his eyeglasses askew when he launched himself forward, his furious expression quickly replaced by one of horror when his next spell faded into thin air. Black's head jerked towards him, the wand held high in his hand as he joined his friend with a yell, their simultaneous spells hitting his shield charm with such force that they ended up knocked off their feet.
Severus eyed them coldly, his face contorting in an angry snarl as he moved closer, crouching beside them, his eyes quickly darting to Wormtail's trembling form. Potter groaned, struggling to breathe, his hazel eyes widening with fear as they fell on Severus' thin face. Severus' expression did not change, his eyes burning with fury as he pulled the front of Potter's robes, forcing the boy to look up at him.
'You'll find that I do not like to repeat myself, Potter. Now, I will make myself very clear, attack me again and the next time you will find yourself very sorry. Very sorry indeed' he said in barely more than a whisper, his face just a mere inched from Potter's, the boy's eyes burning with shock and anger as he let go.
Lily gathered up her books with a smile, the sunny weather outside perfectly reflecting her bright mood. She had just met with Loretta, the Hufflepuff girl looking more than pleased with Lily's decision to share her notes on the Wit-Sharpening Potion. She had thought that Sev would be angry at her for telling him that she had promised Loretta to help her that evening. After all, he had always been a bit possessive, she thought, biting her lower lip. And yet he had once again surprised her, merely nodding.
He'd told her not to worry and that he would see her later. She smiled; yes, he definitely seemed to have become more mature and it was almost too good to be true. She had only wanted him not to join the Death Eater, never in her wildest dreams she would've expected him to change like that, let alone stop hanging out with his friends all together. And yet…
Lily's smile seemed to waver slightly as she remembered him sitting alone at the Slytherin table, guilt building up in the pit of her stomach. She shifted on her feet, slightly uncomfortable. What was he doing when he was not with her? It couldn't have been a coincidence that whenever she had looked at him in that past week she had found him standing alone and in silence. He had never been a social butterfly but he had talked to his housemates, there had been other Slytherins beside Avery and Mulciber he had talked to, boys that hadn't shown any signs to be blood supremacists.
Lily fidgeted with the shoulder strap of her bag, not even looking at the students she crossed path with, the school almost deserted with the sun shining outside. Why would he ignore their attempts at making conversation like that? Was it because of Avery and Mulciber? Or had he misunderstood what she'd said when she'd told him how much she despised his Slytherin friends? Certainly, he couldn't really think she'd meant all of them…
Lily positively cringed at the thought that he'd believe she'd want him to live his life completely alone and friendless. God, what sort of person would ask someone to do something like that? How could he believe that someone who cared about him might actually relish in his misery? He didn't really believe she was that horrible, did he? Lily grimaced, no wonder why he had drifted away from her, who would want a friend that was that controlling?
Never mind that he had been the one who had often gotten angry about the idea of sharing her friendship, being more often than not spiteful and jealous, thinks were different now, Sev had… changed, Lily thought, for some reason a bit uneasy. She shook her head, ignoring the strange feeling that seemed to have set up in the pit of her stomach, something inside her still telling her that no one could change like that in a couple of nights, no matter how much the people around them wanted them to.
Lily took a deep breath, casting her worries to the back of her mind as she proceeded down the corridor. Sev wasn't evil and neither was she. She would tell him that she wanted him to be happy, then she would look him in the eye and realise that nothing was wrong with him and that his change was nothing but genuine. She really didn't want to lose him, not now that she was starting to remember why she had become friends with him to begin with.
'Hey, Evans!'
Lily startled, the note of urgency in Potter's voice causing her heart to faltered. And yet, she did not turn around as she soon remembered the reason why Potter wished to talk to her.
'Evans!' he called again, this time louder. Lily's cheeks reddened in embarrassment. People nearby were now looking at them, some of them unable to hide their own amusement, some of them going as far as to snigger when she started to walk as fast as her legs would carry her. Why couldn't he take no for an answer? Marlene must've told him how she felt in regards to his continuous harassing.
'No, Evans, please… wait!' the boy shouted, nearly knocking her down when she stopped midtrack, her face flushed in anger when she turned around to glare at him.
If looks could kill, Potter would've been long since dead, but as it was, Lily found herself questioning whether the arrogant boy had even noticed her annoyance. Lily's mouth thinned as she tried to convey the message with her gaze alone, but again, Potter ignored her, brushing the dust off his robes and adjusting his glasses, his scruffy look giving the impression that he had just ran half the school to catch up with her.
Her eyes involuntarily wandered to the smile on his lips and the way his eyes softened as they rested on hers, his skin slightly tanned by the many hours spent practising. She'd be kidding herself if she told Marlene she found him ugly or that she could not see his good qualities. And yet, despite his charm, his obnoxious knack for bullying was enough to make her sick. He could've been much better than that and yet, contrary to Sev he was so arrogant that he never seemed to wonder whether his bullying did not make him worse than the people he harassed.
'I'm not going to Hogsmeade with you, Potter. I'm sorry, but I already told Marlene. I'm not interested' she said, the nature of her previous thoughts causing her to sound more tired than angry.
Potter opened his mouth to reply, then closed it without speaking, looking as though he had expected anything but that.
'The date?' he repeated, 'Oh, never mind that, we can discuss it later if you want, that's not why I'm here, you see…', he grimaced, wincing slightly as he rubbed the back of his neck and looked at both ends of the corridors.
'We shouldn't probably discuss it here, but… it's about Sniv- Snape. Something's happened, something's different about him and I just wanted to make sure you were alright. Please, I know you can defend yourself, but maybe it's better if you stay away from him, just until I-'
Lily's heart jolted; memories of the horrible transfiguration they had done to him the last time Potter had tried to prevent her from seeing him flashing before her eyes. It had taken Madam Pomfrey two whole day to transfigure the raven beak that had sprouted on his face back into his actual nose. She had been beyond angry; the charm Black had added to the transfiguration causing him to caw every time he attempted to talk. Severus on the other hand had been too ashamed to even look at her, trying desperately to cover the huge beak with his hands to prevent her from seeing it.
"What, don't you like him like that? He'd make a good pet, Evans"
Lily's face flushed. She drew her willow wand, pointing it straight at Potter's face.
'What have you done to him?' she asked coldly, her voice as hard and unforgiving as her accusatory eyes. Potter blinked.
'Me?! Easy, Evans, I haven't done anything to him, I just-', he took a step back, looking at her as though he was preparing himself to talk with someone unreasonable. Or that was what Lily thought. He took a deep breath, then he messed up his hair once more.
'I'm meeting up with him, Potter and you're not going to stop me. And if I find out that you hurt him, that you did something to him because of me… because of your stupid date, I-'
'Whoa, calm down! I didn't do anything to him and if he tells you otherwise, he's a liar! This has nothing to do with the date. There's something wrong with him, that's what I'm trying to tell you. Transfiguration was fun until he vanished that kitten without a word! And it's not just me, have you seen Professor McGonagall's look? Something's not right. I think he must've done something to himself, he must've used Dark Magic, he wasn't like… like that a week ago. He threatened us and I think-'
Lily's jaw dropped. She snorted in disbelief.
'You know what I think, Potter? I think you're just trying to make him look bad because he vanished something before you did. Sev studied with me for the whole week and has been nothing but a perfect gentleman'
It was Potter's turn to scoff.
'Is that why you think he likes to spend time with you? Because of studying? He's not even that clever, in fact I doubt he even listens to a word you say… he just stares at you like a creep. He must've used Dark Magic to trick you, I know he did, he was shit at Transfiguration' Potter said, nodding to himself.
'Or maybe he just decided to put more effort in the subject than you, Potter. Severus is very clever. Merlin help me, he's got his faults but he certainly seems to be a tad less arrogant than you are. Not that that's hard' she said angrily, her mind struggling to conceive how anyone could actually be that conceited.
'Come on, Evans, don't be thick. You saw what he did in class, I know you did. Since when Snape can do wordless magic? It takes months to master those type of spells, no one can achieve that level in a couple of nights' he implored her. Lily rolled her eyes, eyeing the watch on her wrist.
'And so what if he's done a wordless spell? This is getting ridiculous Potter, you're just jealous' she said, grimacing when Potter merely gave her a bitter smile.
'And what if I am? It's as though he turned in a completely different person. Have you even noticed how he speaks? It absolutely ridiculous, he doesn't even-'
Lily stiffened, angry with herself when her heart faltered, Potter's words touching a nerve.
'So?' she started flushing, her voice a little higher, 'He's just trying to be polite, there's nothing wrong with it' she finished, a strange feeling of unease setting in the pit of her stomach. She ignored it.
Potter stared at her; his eyes veiled with disappointment.
'Really? Nothing wrong? Never mind that Snivelly is a slimy odd ball and that he's never been that cold and collected. Open your eyes Evans, there's something fishy about it and when I-'
'You'll leave him alone, Potter' she said, casting away those ridiculous worries.
'Why are you so interested in him anyway? He's no longer following you, is he?' she said angrily, unwilling to listen to him any longer.
Potter shifted on his feet, looking for the first time slightly uncomfortable. Lily's face flushed as she saw him scratching the back of his head, his lips soon stretching in a sheepish smile.
'Well, he isn't. Hasn't been, not recently at least, but-', Lily turned her head, feeling suddenly revolted as she made to walk away, cursing herself for having ever thought that there might've been something serious to discuss.
'Wait!', Potter called out, startling her as his fingers quickly wrapped around her forearm in a desperate attempt to keep her from walking away.
'Let me go, Potter' Lily said, wrenching herself from Potter's grasp, who seemed to realise he had gone too far. He took a step back, looking slightly guilt as he showed her his palms in a sign of surrender.
She fought the impulse to rub her wrists, looking at Potter as though she was finally seeing him for the first time, because Sev had been right, he really was a dick. How could she have been so blind? How could she have ever thought that Potter would eventually grow out of his bullying attitude someday? It was all because of that accident, wasn't it? She had been somehow grateful to him for saving Sev's life, even embarrassed by Severus' refusal to be grateful. She'd gone as far as to believe that Marlene could have been right, that maybe there was more to Potter than an arrogant toerag and a bully, but now… well… right now, Potter didn't look like the selfless hero that had saved someone he hated from certain death, never asking to be thanked.
In fact, Lily doubted she would have even known Severus had risked his life that night or that it had been James Potter the one to save him hadn't she heard Black snapping at his best mate that they should've let him rot in that tunnel, that they should've let him die.
"We don't get to choose who lives and who dies, Padfoot, that's not how it works"
She had been pleasantly surprised, Potter's selfless act depicting him in a whole new light. Potter was more than an arrogant bully, but she couldn't see neither the selfless hero nor the loyal friend now, just a jealous boy, worried he was about to lose his spot as Professor McGonagall's favourite student. Lily shook her head, her eyes heavy with sadness and disappointment as she averted her gaze, staring at the sunlit corridor.
'Please, Evans, wait… I…I'm sorry, I just…', Potter hesitated, biting his lip, his worried expression being the only thing that kept Lily from walking away.
'I… I didn't mean to hurt you, I… Merlin, I'm making a mess' he said, his voice shaking slightly as he ran a hand through his messy hair, looking suddenly anxious. It was only because of how worried he looked that Lily forced herself to give him the benefit of the doubt, her silence allowing him to continue.
'Right… It's… it's about the other night' he started, the silence that followed his words causing Lily to shift nervously on her feet.
Whatever it was, it couldn't be that bad, could it? Sev would've never done anything too bad, not now that he had made her that promise, not now that it looked as though he had finally stopped meddling with Dark Magic and Death Eaters. She looked at Potter, her heart beating a little faster, but the boy's nervousness was making him somehow reluctant to continue, the guilty look on his face making her feel like an idiot.
'Come on, Evans, don't give me that look. I never said I was a saint, but-'
'You actually did something to him, didn't you?' Lily said though gritted teeth, clutching the strap of her bag, a tight knot forming in her stomach as she realised that this conversation might've had no other purpose than preventing her from seeing Severus.
'What have you done to him?' she asked, her voice trembling slightly as she made to reach for her wand.
'Nothing! He was just being odd. Being an arrogant git in Potions and looking down his ugly nose at us … I knew he was up to something, so we waited until the night and then… well, we followed him and woke up in the Library the following morning, hurting everywhere. Filch nearly caught us, but there's something that's not right, because he wasn't where we knew he'd be. I remember seeing his name in the Restricted Section. We followed him right to that spot but he wasn't there… and if I try to think too much about what happened I just get a headache'
'Well, I bet the information you had was misleading, in fact, I don't even think he's been anywhere near the Restricted Section. We spent all the evening together and he was really nice and-'
'But he was! It's never been wrong before. Listen Evans, I know Dark Magic when I see it and something's happened in there, I know it, I just can't remember'
Lily's mouth thinned.
'And you think Sev was involved? That he Obliviated you? You've heard the Professor, that's something a lot of adult wizards can't do properly even after graduation, if he'd tried to cast a memory charm, it would've either backfired or not worked at all. There's a reason why they don't teach it until seventh year, it's dangerous and difficult to control, it could destroy one's mind if not done properly. Not even Severus is that good and he would never risk damaging someone's mind like that, not even if that mind is yours Potter' she said firmly and there was no doubt in her mind that Severus would never do something like that, not if he thought there was a chance of permanently damaging someone's mind.
He had never and would never be that careless.
'He would, but maybe you have a point, what if that's not Snape?' Potter said after a while, his eyes boring into hers.
Lily blinked.
'Excuse me?' she said, her face flushing as she tried to convince herself that she must've misheard.
'Don't you think he's doing a little too well in class? A memory charm and wordless spells powerful enough to knock three people off their feet? He couldn't even vanish a stupid matchbox last week! I'm telling you that something's up' Potter said darkly, his serious expression causing her to finally lose her temper.
'So you think he's an imposter because he vanished something before you did? That he's using Polyjuice Potion? You're being ridiculous, Potter, stop being so full of yourself' she spat, her eyes cold and unforgiving as she walked away from him, drawing her wand when Potter grabbed her arm once more.
This time, her look was enough for him to back away.
'Ok, Evans, maybe he's not an imposter, but he's becoming dangerous, there's no denying it. I'm just trying to protect you; in fact, a little gratitude would be appreciated' he said looking both tired and frustrated. Lily let out an incredulous snort.
'Protect me? I'll have you know that I don't need anyone's protection, let alone yours. You have no right to tell me what I can or can't do' she said harshly, eying him with the greatest dislike, before she turned her back on him.
'Lily, please'
'Don't' call me Lily. We're not friends. I want you to leave us alone. If you care about me one bit, then you'll respect my wishes' she said, walking away before Potter could even have a chance to reply.
Severus entered the Great Hall with a scowl, the quick peck on the cheek Lily had given him before telling him she would see him after class bringing him once again to question whether it wouldn't have been a better choice to cut the act and tell her who he really was. He sighed, sitting begrudgingly on the Slytherin table, not daring to look at Dumbledore, stubbornly refusing to meet his gaze after what had happened with Lily, terrified that he might've caught a glimpse of his blushing cheeks.
He rubbed his temples, grimacing, the beginning of a headache pulsing beneath his fingers. What was he even doing there? Playing the lovesick teenager with a girl that was half his age, attending fifth year classes and living as though the last twenty-two years of his life had never happened. He should have gone to Dumbledore and demanded to be put to some use; it wasn't like him to wallow in self-pity.
He gritted his teeth, his eyes finding the faces of people who should have been dead; simply living their lives, oblivious to the horrors of the war. Marlene McKinnon had died before his very eyes, burnt alive and now there she was, laughing amongst her peers, not knowing that she'd never live to see her twentieth birthday. His eyes drifted to her murderer, now barely more than a boy. Did it really matter that he had not been the one to cast the killing blow? He had been there, he still remembered how she'd looked up after suffering the Cruciatus Curse, hatred in her eyes; her little brother crying in the corner.
His eyes drifted to Mary McDonald, raped by Mulciber; her mind shattered. His eyes found Edgard Bones, his wife and children brutally murdered by the Dark Lord and his followers. Amelia Bones, his sister, had been unable to stand the sight of him, never mind that Severus had never taken part in the slaughter of her family. She'd read his records; she knew what he was, she'd never forgotten what he had been. Her niece had also known of course, her wide eyes often staring at Severus as though he might suddenly turn into a monster; as though he could have ever harmed a student, he thought, lowering his eyes.
He was surrounded by ghosts; so why did they look so alive? He should have been dead, but here he was, reliving his life. A life coated in lies; possessing his younger self's body, living as a shadow of his former self. He'd had his chance and he'd fucked up spectacularly; he'd never expected to survive, let alone like this.
Severus closed his eyes, grimacing. Despite feeling nauseous, he heard the grumbling of his stomach, this body apparently not satisfied with the quantity of food he had already forced himself to eat. He still remembered the day in which he could easily skip a meal without feeling lightheaded. Indeed, the amount of food this stomach was now demanding of him was nothing short of ridiculous.
Would an excess of carelessness impair his future height were he to fail eating like a swine every single meal? Severus looked at his skinny legs, knowing full well that if in the last period of his life he had been slightly underweight now he was dangerously so. It did not help one bit that he had always had a quick metabolism, his habit of skipping meals always making sure that his body would remaining far too thin. He scowled, thinking that despite having being nine months away from his disgraceful home, his current body looked as though it was still recovering from three months of near starvation.
He grimaced as his mind drifted inevitably to his father. He was still alive, wasn't he? Living like a pig in what for the last two decades had been no one's home but his. He pursed his lips. He could almost smell it, the pungent smell of alcohol lingering on the wooden floor, his father sleeping on the dirty couch, stains of food and beer covering his white singlet. His lips curled in a sneer as he remembered the round belly protruding from the hem of it, the filthy undershirt barely able to cover half of it, whilst Severus and his mother had gone hungry.
Severus pushed the empty bowl of porridge away from him, disgusted. Charming man his father, wasn't he? Severus sighed, getting to his feet, his shoulder throbbing under the weight of his school bag.
Before he could stop himself, he turned around, his heart beating a little faster when his eyes fell on Dumbledore. He was talking to Flitwick, a smile lighting up the lines on their faces. He frowned, feeling older than them both. He was just about to avert his eyes and leave them be when Dumbledore turned his head towards him, his blue eyes finding his in a matter of seconds.
Severus stiffened, his eyes widening as he clutched the strap of his bag. It couldn't have been longer than a fraction of a second, but it was enough for him to feel as though, once again, Dumbledore had managed to stare into his very soul. They stared at each other for what looked like hours, until the Headmaster gave him an imperceptible nod.
He shivered, relaxing slightly when Dumbledore turned towards Flitwick, resuming their conversation. Severus averted his eyes, hating himself for dreading the moment in which he'd be forced to face this Dumbledore's judgement once more. He pursed his lips, clutching the strap of his bag so tightly that his knuckles quickly turned white.
Still, he strode towards the exit, feeling those intense eyes on his back, the fear that Dumbledore might've witnessed Lily's innocent kiss filling his heart with shame.