Chapter 11 – The Black Tide
The library was dim lit and filled with the old scent of books, the only sound to be heard being the soft scratching of Severus' quill on parchment. He was sitting next to Lily, their desks blissfully away from chatting students.
Lily tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, her fingers fidgeting with the red strands. The sound of Severus' light breathing was strangely soothing after the fight she and James Potter had had. Her cheeks were slightly red, her face flushed with both anger and embarrassment. She worried Sev might notice her foul mood and that this would ruin another perfect evening with him. She sighed, his steady presence helping her to control her anger.
"Is that why you think he likes to spend time with you? To study? He's not even that clever. In fact I doubt he even listens to a word you say- he just stares at you like a creep. He must've used Dark Magic to trick you. I know he did, he was shit at Transfiguration"
Lily huffed, nearly snorting as she stared at her studious friend. How stupid one could possibly be to believe that Sev wasn't clever? What a bunch of rubbish… as though Dark Magic could be used to complete one's homework, Lily thought contemptuously. Potter's theory was nothing short of absurd. She glanced at her best friend, her lips twitching when she noticed he was correcting an old essay, his face looking comically displeased.
'Whatcha doing, Sev?' she asked, moving closer as he started to scribble.
Severus froze, turning to look at her. She smiled when she saw him glance at the piece of parchment.
'I was… making a few additions to my latest- essay. I found some of the information and research in it was … lacking' he sneered, a wary expression creeping into his eyes as Lily tried to take a surreptitious peak at the parchment in front of him.
He moved his essay imperceptibly away from her, that small movement suggesting he was actually afraid she might read it without his permission and judge him badly for it. He looked slightly embarrassed and awkward; a far cry from the dangerous boy Potter had described. He cleared his throat and moved slightly away from her, his cheeks reddening.
It was a wonder why he would even get self-conscious over showing his work to her, but Lily found herself smiling at his awkwardness; his lank black hair falling over his eyes as he slouched slightly. It was a familiar response; one she had almost forgotten after his odd behaviour in the past few days.
Blasted Potter for making her wary, she thought, her heart lighter than ever as Severus' lips stretched in what she was sure had been meant to be a reassuring smile. He was so awkward that Lily too found herself smiling.
She stared at his lips, blinking when she noticed the sparse thin hairs growing at the side of his thin mouth.
"Okay, Evans, maybe that's not an imposter, but he's becoming dangerous, there's no denying it. I'm just trying to protect you"
Lily pressed her lips together, holding back a smile. Sev's facial hair made him look even younger than he was and as far from the dangerous figure Potter had describe as one could possibly be. The sparse hair on his cheeks and chin were barely noticeable, but they were there, thin and black and looking quite soft. His moustache was barely more visible than that of an unlucky Slytherin girl in her year. She wondered whether he was trying to grow a beard to look older and more mature.
'What is it?' he snapped.
Lily tried not to look at his lips; his moustache added with his unkempt hair making him look like a grumpy old cat.
'Nothing' she lied. She didn't have the heart to tell him it looked bad, especially considering that Sev was often very conscious about his physical appearance.
'Do I have something on my face?' he inquired, his eyes narrowing as he stared at her, his posture defensive.
Lily had always been a terrible liar, and perhaps that was why the intensity of his gaze made her flustered.
'It's just… I never thought you'd try to grow a moustache- a- a beard, I mean' she added quickly, the look of utter confusion on his face suggesting he hadn't noticed her slip.
Severus blinked several times, his lips parting as his dark eyes set on her; his expression suggested he had no idea was she was talking about. A frown formed on her brow.
'What did you think I was about to say?' she asked. She had always known him to be slightly susceptible, but what on Earth had he thought she was about to say?
'Haven't you noticed? It's right there. Well, there's the- moustache and you also have a few hairs on your jawline and chin, but it's not that bad' she said awkwardly, praying she had not offended him.
'You can't see it that much' she said, trying to reassure him, tucking a greasy strand of black hair behind his ear in order to get a better look. Severus went as rigid as a board, eyeing her worriedly as she reached out to caress his right cheeks, surprised to find the hairs even softer than it looked. Severus backed away, jerking from her touch.
He looked mildly horrified as his fingers reached for the spot she had just touched. He pulled his hand back immediately, as though burnt.
Sure, it wasn't great, but it could've been much worse, Mulciber's boyish moustache made Sev look like a Greek god in comparison. Or maybe Severus didn't know how to shave. Lily grimaced at the thought. Tobias Snape had never seemed like the caring kind; the thought made her heart ache. Would her dad show him if she asked him nicely? How did wizards shave? Lily didn't know, but they were bound to find some books in the library.
'I think there must be some spells that should help with shaving' she reassured him, giving him a small smile as she started gathering up her books. Severus merely looked at her, for a moment utterly taken aback, before he touched his cheek again and grimaced.
'I am familiar with the procedure' he answered tersely, his lips barely moving. If Lily hadn't known any better, she'd say he looked insulted.
'It was just an idea…' she added awkwardly, 'I mean… unless you want to keep it…' she finished, her cheeks slightly pink.
Severus gave her a sharp look.
'I have no intention of keeping it'
Severus walked down the stairs leading to the dungeons, a heavy scowl etched on his face. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs, his dark eyes flickering down the dim lit corridor, before he entered the bathroom, locking the door behind him.
Resting his heavy bag on the back of a chair, Severus walked towards the sink, his skin prickling as he forced himself to look at his stupid young face. The dim light cast eerie shadows on the cold, stone walls, and the scent of old soap and damp stone filled the air. He grimaced at the reflection, the boy staring back at him an awful reminder as to why he had avoided a mirrors for an entire week, the feeling of inhabiting that estranged body unpleasant enough as it was.
He raised a pallid hand, tracing his thumb on the right corner of his upper lip, the tickling feeling of his soft pubescent hair causing him to sneer. Severus' fingers moved from his lips to his sideburns and jawline, just on the spot where Lily's hand had brushed his cheek. He eyed his reflection with annoyance, grabbing a razor form a nearby cupboard.
How embarrassing. How could his teenage-self have not have noticed? Or had he really thought that pathetic excuse for facial hair would make him look more mature?
Severus sneered. Teenagers, he thought, scathingly. He conjured some shaving cream in his hand, applying it to his cheeks with a scowl, his hair hanging limply at the sides of his face. Merlin, he hated how young he looked. He'd never thought he'd miss staring at his ugly old face.
He scratched his cheek. No, he thought, remembering Lily's unspoken question, it wasn't supposed to be "soft". He'd never have he'd miss the prickly sensation of stubble beneath his fingers, but he did. A beard wouldn't look good on him, he knew, but the fact that he had never allowed it to grow beyond a scruffy stubble, had never meant he wouldn't have been able to grow one if he had wanted to.
Indeed, he had actually had to make an effort to maintain a clean-shaven look. The disgusted look Minerva had given him whenever he had dared to present himself in the Great Hall so unkempt causing him to pay a little more attention to his shaving routine. Well, he doubted he'd get something worth to be called a stubble for the next three to four years, he thought, wincing when he passed the razor a little too close to his scar.
Severus rubbed his forehead as the chatter of the students around him grew louder, the excitement for the upcoming weekend, and the Quidditch final giving some students the perfect excuse to be obnoxiously loud at meals. It did not help one bit that he seemed to have landed himself in the past on a Hogsmeade weekend.
He grimaced, remembering that last time he had visited the village. The young woman in the apothecary had looked at him as though she feared he could have easily murdered her on the spot had he been unsatisfied with his supplies. Her gaze still lingered in his mind, a stark moniker of a reputation that had followed him since Dumbledore's death. Severus' lips twisted halfway between a sneer and a grimace. How quickly they had all judged him. A rush of repressed anger boiled inside him as his eyes set on the Head of Gryffindor House. How easy it had been for them all to think the worst of him.
His colleagues' behaviour had ranged from outright hatred and disgust to Slughorn's nervous glances. They had looked at him in fear, as though a poorly chosen word would push Severus over the edge; turning him into the heartless murderer who had taken the life of a man that had been nothing but kind to him. Between outright hatred or fear he couldn't honestly say which one had been better. He let out a sigh, the sudden sight of the young Carrows fighting over a chicken leg causing him to grimace in disdain. Amycus' fingers, covered in grease, were digging on his sisters' shoulder, her teeth bared like an wild animal.
He stared as Amycus let out a yell, their fight resembling that of two ravenous beasts as his sister's teeth sank into his arm. How the Dark Lord had deemed it appropriate to appoint such mindless cretins as teachers was beyond him. Those two idiots had punctually failed to complete even the simplest of tasks, their incompetence almost allowing the Gryffindor Sword to be stolen. Severus' sneer grew more pronounced as the fight continued.
'Ya stupid wench! Give it back! I saw it first!' Amycus yelled, lunging forward and grabbing her by the hair, the silverware around them tumbling on the floor with a clatter. Severus closed his eyes, pushing his fingers against his temples. If only he were their superior… the words were on the tip of his tongue; but he looked away. Laughter and cheering echoed off the stone walls, the commotion growing louder by the minute, with people laughing at the Carrows' idiocy, whilst others looked away embarrassed. He saw with the corner of her eye that Minerva had gotten to her feet.
Yes, that's enough for tonight, he thought, now determined to ignore his rumbling stomach and leave. His dinner be damned, he would hardly starve for a skipped meal. He was slightly concerned about what Lily would say if she saw him leaving the Great Hall half-way dinner, more so than about being actually hungry. Yes, Lily… he had agreed to go to Hogsmeade the following day, hadn't he?
'Oi, Snape, you alright?' Severus blinked, feeling slightly lightheaded as he got to his feet. A second later, a large hand closed on his left forearm, pushing him back on his seat. He reacted on instinct, wrenching his arm free, his bony wrist hurting as the boy's hand slid off him. The fact that the boy had just touched him where the Dark Mark had been did not help his annoyance.
'What is it?' he snarled, his expression one of utmost annoyance as his eyes set on the sturdy boy on his left. Wilkes' raised hands caused his eyes to narrow in suspicion. The boy blinked stupidly at him.
Severus frowned, his mind racing to understand why the boy had yanked him back to his seat. Wilkes shrugged, his juvenile response doing nothing to improve his mood. His eyes inevitably drifted to Dumbledore, his mouth contorting in a pained grimace. Surrounded by future Death Eaters and forced to play his part once more… He had made his choice when he had delivered those memories, renouncing once again to a life that he had never been truly his. His jaw clenched, self-loathing crushing him like a tidal wave.
Dumbledore, Lily, Wilkes, Rosier and Mulciber… Why did it matter if he was tired of lying? He had no right to complain. He had killed Lily and given up his life, Severus reminded himself bitterly, glancing at the Gryffindor table. He would see that she lived to see her twenty-second birthday and many more and probably die before the war was over, he considered, the Dark Lord's inhuman face drifting to the surface of his thoughts.
His face whitened, those inhuman red eyes burning into him, rising from the darkest corner of his mind. Severus shook his head, feeling slightly dizzy as he tried to focus on the present moment, reminding himself that he could no longer leave the Great Hall as he pleased. His eyes rested on Lily. She was the only reason why he hadn't left this new Hell for good, turning his back to the dark memories those halls seemed to evoke.
Severus caught himself shamelessly staring at her. She looked surreal; even more so than the ghosts dining beside him. A small light in this hellish existence. He stared at her longingly, almost fearing she would soon fade away, that without her he would soon find himself facing once again unfathomable darkness.
'She's beautiful, isn't she? I'd even give it a thought if she wasn't a Mudblood and… a Gryffindor' Wilkes added with an expression of mild dislike, 'Anyway, I just wanted to talk to you. Mulciber wouldn't stop talking about his hand- not that he didn't deserve it. Still, I- aren't you going to finish dinner?' Wilkes said, pointing awkwardly at Severus' unfinished steak pie.
Severus' lips twisted in an annoyance. Wilkes' fondness for idle talk was something he had not been eager to rediscover. Wilkes stared at Severus' plate, his eyes trailing disapprovingly down his scrawny figure, his bulk allowing him to positively tower over Severus. He was almost as big as Mulciber, though slightly less muscly and not nearly as stupid. His square face, big brown eyes and brown hair gave him a somewhat approachable look, despite his size he wasn't nearly as dangerous as he pretended to be.
Severus stared at him and the boy grew slightly uncomfortable under his gaze. Wilkes let out an awkward cough, leaning forward to pull the tray with the Yorkshire Puddings closer to their side of the table.
'Can you pass me the mashed potatoes? I swear, they're amazing' he said, serving himself four fluffy Yorkshire Puddings and promptly drowning them in gravy.
Severus grimaced. Sweet Merlin… and he thought he was overeating…
Wilkes smiled as Severus reluctantly passed him the tray. The boy's obvious eagerness to stuff himself with the enormous quantity of food was making him feel slightly nauseous. Good, at least that will prevent him from talking, Severus thought, visibly cringing when upon noticing Severus had barely touched his food, Wilkes handed him the potatoes.
'Mum says, you can't get tall if you don't put some meat on your bones and no offense mate, but you could do with a few more stones' Wilkes said offhandedly, ignoring Severus' murderous look. Severus had to bite back a snide remark. It hadn't taken him more than a quick glance to the other boy to realise that Wilkes could have done with fewer stones.
He scowled, but after a moment, he took the tray from Wilkes hands. The boy wasn't wrong; he could avoid mirrors all he liked, but there was no denying that he was dangerously underweight. Quite frankly Severus didn't want to add short statue to his physical faults. He had been tall enough as an adult; poor nutrition was probably one of the reasons why he hadn't grown as tall as that ogre of his father.
He scowled, glad that Wilkes was now focusing on his own food. Pouring himself a glass of water, Severus' gaze wandered to the Staff Table, his eyes narrowing when they settled on the fine glass of red wine resting in Slughorn's hand. He could've done with a drink. Merlin, two fingers of firewhiskey would have been even better. Alas, unless he Polyjuiced himself into an adult, he doubted anyone would sell him some. Not that the Muggles in Cokeworth would've cared, he thought disparagingly, slowly starting to eat.
Next to him, Wilkes was now talking to Yaxley, the older boy scowling into his plate. Severus glared at the two fourth-years seated in front of him, the boys eyeing him suspiciously when he rested his cutlery on the right rim of his plate; as though they half expected Severus to eat with his hands. Good Lord, what now? He thought as Mulciber's paw landed on his shoulder. He had almost forgotten that the boy had seated himself beside Wilkes, and thus had been listening for the whole time.
A few seats down on the opposite side of the table, Rosier stopped eating, eyeing his cousin with a warning look.
'I shouldn't have threatened you in the Common Room-', Mulciber started, his neck tensing as he voiced the words, the look he gave Rosier making all too clear that his apology was anything but sincere.
'Teach me that spell and I'll forget anything happened' Mulciber said, the silence that followed that statement suggesting that he was now diverting from whatever instructions Rosier had given him.
Wilkes scowled but said nothing, his position as half-blood making his connection with the Death Eaters too fragile for him to openly challenge Mulciber.
'Answer me, you faggot!' Mulciber snarled, slamming his fist on the table as he saw Severus wiping his mouth with his napkin. Severus' eyes slightly narrowed as he saw that Rosier had cast a silent Muffliato.
'I believe I already informed you of my decision regarding our future arrangements, Mulciber, I do not need to say more. I would strongly advise you to avoid wandering to avoid wandering too close to my bed in the near future. There are spells that could permanently remove your hand, spells I would not hesitate to use were I to discover you are still intent on plotting behind my back. As I said, I do not wish to associate with you any further' Severus said calmly, his voice cold.
Mulciber visibly recoiled, his lips parting. Severus' eyes bored into the boy's, finding his mind unprotected, fear and confusion surfacing in Mulciber's thoughts as he stared at the bandages covering his arm. But there was something else: fear. And the thought that the person in front of him couldn't possibly be Severus Snape.
Severus' mouth set in a hard line, his eyes still boring into Mulciber until the boy finally looked away, his hands balling into fists.
'Fine!' Mulciber snapped, turning his attention back to his plate, 'But if I have my way, I'll make sure he hunts you down and kills you, Snape. Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You want that filthy Mudblood, I get it, so go on, deceive her. But once we get out of here, you're both dead'
Severus' eyes narrowed dangerously, Mulciber veiled threat not going unnoticed to his ears, not now, not when he had promised himself that he would protect her, that she wouldn't be harmed because of him, because of the wretched choices of his past. He slowly got to his feet, the movement causing Mulciber to flinch.
'Of course,' Severus said coldly, his voice dangerously low as he leaned closer to the boy, 'Just make sure I don't kill you first' he hissed into his ear, his voice colder than ice. Mulciber shivered, Severus' steps barely audible as he walked away, his figure disappearing in the crowd of students as he finally left the Great Hall.
Lily frowned when Severus exited the Great Hall, Mulciber's furious expression not going unnoticed to her eyes. Her eyes narrowed as she observed the scene, every detail etching itself into her mind- the clattering of cutlery, the low murmurs of concern, and the intense glares exchanged. She opened her mouth to catch his attention, but Severus only gave her a small nod before walking past the Gryffindor table. She quickly checked him for any injuries, sighing with relief when she found no evidence that Mulciber or Potter might've hurt him without her noticing.
Her gaze hardened as she fixed her eyes on Mulciber, whose furious expression was making him look more and more like a rabid dog. His face was flushed and twisted, his narrowed eyes still fixed on the same spot where her best friend had vanished. Lily felt a jolt of anxiety in her stomach, more than a little worried as she remembered that Severus would have to sleep in the same room as this horrible boy. She didn't know how he did it. They said that Slytherins didn't hurt each other, but she'd never seen the other boy so angry.
And yet, after some nagging, Severus had confessed that Mulciber was just having trouble adjusting to the idea that he would now have to complete his own assignments. Lily couldn't help but thinking that Severus must've left a few details out of the picture. Something must've happened. Despite their many faults, Slytherins were not openly hostile with one another; but as of now, it seemed as though things were quickly escalating. He should've told Professor Slughorn about the assignment, Lily thought. She firmly believed that Severus would have never agreed to do Mulciber's homework without some form of blackmail. It wasn't like him to partake in such shady deals.
But what if he was more than that? What if he had agreed because he feared for his safety? Lily gulped, her heart skipping a beat when Mulciber lounged forward, seizing Alecto Carrow by the hem of her shirt, his yells lost in the loud chatter of the Great Hall. Lily's face whitened. As unpleasant and beastly as he was with the others, Mulciber wouldn't physically hurt a member of his own House, would he? Lily continued to stared at him as he shook Alecto, his face beet read as Amycus too started to yell; until a second later Rosier got to his feet.
She didn't want to nag him, she didn't want him to think she didn't trust him or that he needed her to uphold the decision he'd made, but at the same time... she couldn't shake the feeling that Severus might be hiding something more serious. Would Mulciber try to hurt Severus if he kept refusing to do his homework? If he kept ignoring them like Lily had indirectly implied she wanted him to do? He had told her not to worry, that Mulciber wasn't dangerous, but Severus could be arrogant and overconfident at times.
Lily grimaced. He might not be as bull-headed as the other boys, but he was still a young man. Much like Potter and all the other boy of his age, he wasn't immune to the disruptive influence of testosterone. Indeed, from the age of thirteen, Severus had changed a lot and not in a good way. He had become more volatile and short-tempered, and in the past few years, it had become quite easy for him to succumb to his worst nature. Lily had thought things were bound to get worse, until all of a sudden, he had seemed to miraculously realise the wrongness of his doings and had bizarrely become calm and collected.
She smiled a bit in recalling the awkward boy she had seen that very evening. He wasn't quite the young dignified young man he pretended to be yet. Lily's face darkened a bit as she thought of her scrawny friend, with his oily hair and long limbs. Puberty had not been easy for him, but despite his he often fluctuated between being shy and short-tempered, Sev was finally growing into himself, and Lily liked the person he had decided to be.
Still, Lily had the distinct impression that despite his outstanding changes, Sev's stubbornness had remained unchanged. Would he even tell her if Potter put him in danger? A week ago, he might have, just to get the other boy in trouble, but now Severus seldom even looked at Potter.
Lily drew her bottom lip between her teeth, her heartbeat fast and steady. She thought of how guarded he had been in those last few days, and her heart sunk. Did he think he could no longer confide in her? That a wrong word from him would cause her to end their friendship? Well, that would certainly explain why his answers were often short and polite, but...
She should probably tell him how much she appreciated what he was doing, how much she liked the man he was trying to be. Lily averted her gaze, blushing slightly. She should've told him to be careful about Mulciber, she should've told him straight away that she didn't want him to isolate himself. Never mind how much Potter had upset her, Sev wouldn't have sneered at that Wilkes if he hadn't thought she was watching his every move, ready any excuse to end their friendship.
She thought back to their childhood, the countless hours spent together by the river, their whispered secrets and shared dreams. How could she abandon him now, when he needed her the most? How could he think she would abandon him when he was putting so much effort in showing her that he could change, that he could be better?
That Wilkes didn't seem half as bad as the others, or if he was, he was careful enough not to show it. He had even tried to get him to eat, something for which Lily was more than grateful considering how thin Sev was.
'You alright, Lils?', said Dorcas, giving her a light tap on the shoulder.
Lily looked around, quickly nodding when she felt Dorcas' gaze on her. The warmth of the Great Hall, the scent of roast meat, and the flickering candlelight created a stark contrast to the cold fear gnawing at Lily's insides.
The tall girl regarded her with a small frown, the expression in her dark eyes suggesting she had seen right through her small lie. She blushed, scratching the back of her neck as her eyes inevitably drifted back to the Slytherin Table, fixing on the spot where Sev had been sitting.
'It's about Snape, isn't it?' Dorcas asked, her words sounding more like a statement than an actual question.
Lily couldn't help but nod, her eyes quickly drifting to Potter as Dorcas spoke, because no, it wasn't just Sev she was worried about. She should've warned him about Potter, because as it was, it looked like not even her own housemates were above bulling whoever got better grades. Lily liked to think Potter was a better man than Mulciber, but the truth was that after Potter's absurd suggestions, she didn't really know what to think about the Gryffindor boy anymore.
Potter's brash confidence and Mulciber's brute force seemed worlds apart, yet both loomed as threats over her friendship with Severus. Everyone seemed to be against them, nobody could see that Severus was trying. Nobody believed in him, always thinking the worst, always assuming... they never gave him the benefit of the doubt, they never had, even when they had been younger. No wonder Severus had grown to be so bitter.
Would he try to hurt Sev if she wasn't watching? Could she trust Dorcas with that knowledge? Would Dorcas even be able to do something about it? Lily averted her eyes, biting her inner cheek. She really shouldn't drag Dorcas into this. She wasn't half as prejudiced as Marlene, but…
Lily's eyes fixed on the bespectacled boy sitting at the end of the table, a cold shiver running down her spine when she saw Black whispered something in Remus' ears. The sandy-haired boy averted his gaze with a sigh, his eyes assuming a darker shade when he looked straight at Potter. She grew even more worried when Black's mouth twisted in a snarl, his lips shaking when he said something in reply. Nothing good usually followed Remus' refusal to be a part of it. Dorcas frowned, her eyes following hers.
'If it's James you're worried about, I told him to back off a bit. What he said about pestering your-', Dorcas grimaced, '… friend if you didn't agree to go out with him was out of line. Even if he doesn't really mean it. I want you to know that I told him you'd take it quite literally' she said, her gaze steady and sincere.
Lily's fingers tightened around her cup, the cold metal grounding her as she fought to control a snide remark that poured out of her in spite of her efforts.
'I thought you'd all agree with him. You didn't have much trouble telling me what you thought of him' Lily said, her voice sounding slightly accusing.
Dorcas sighed.
'I apologise if I said it too harshly the last time you tried to defend him, but James' right, he did hex our brooms, Lils, I saw him. Sorry, but like it or not, that's a fact. As annoying as your little friend is, I don't hate him. I believe you'd be better off without him, but I'm not Sirius, I wouldn't like to see him dead. That's not right. We're supposed to be better than that' the girl said, looking her straight in the eyes.
Lily stared at the beautiful girl in front of her, feeling a sudden rush of affection for Dorcas. She was looking at her with a look of understanding, the warm light that lit her deep brown eyes, managing to make her look far less proud and unapproachable than she usually seemed to everyone around her. Dorcas' sincere words were a flicker of hope in her heart that perhaps, not everyone saw Severus through the same lens of distrust, disgust and hatred. Still...
'But you don't like him' she murmured, her green eyes flickering to the other side of the room for a second as her voice quietened, turning somewhat numb.
Dorcas' lips twitched in a smile.
'No, I don't like him, but I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, Lils. If you want to be friends with him, you're free to do so. Regardless of what you choose now, I doubt you'll keep hanging out with him after Hogwarts, you're far too clever for that. Childhood friends like him... people who have the same views he does... They're not really what you want to carry in your adult life' she said calmly, no ill intent in her voice, though her expression significantly darkened.
Dorcas' eyes were fixed on a spot far away in the Great Hall, a pensive expression on her face.
Lily frowned, shifting uneasily in her seat, before she forced herself to meet Dorcas' eyes when the other girl looked back at her with a slight smile, her eyes softening ever so slightly.
'What do you mean?' Lily's eyes searched hers, until Dorcas turned slightly to face her, an eyebrow twitching upward.
For a moment Dorcas did not speak, her raised eyebrow suggesting that she hadn't consider that Lily might fail to grasp the full meaning of what she had just said. Lily blushed, the sceptical look in Dorcas' eyes causing her to aver her eyes, her cheeks slightly pink as she briefly wondered whether Dorcas was secretly thinking she was being deliberately slow.
Dorcas sighed, eyeing her with raised eyebrows, then let out a mirthless chuckle.
'Oh, come on, Lils. We've got a few years, but you can see we're going in different directions, can't you? Marlene, Mary, you and me, James, Sirius and Remus... and people like Mulciber, Avery or Lestrange. I just think... that there won't be a place for him where
we're going. It's not nice to say, and I get that you guys are close, but we're all gonna have to make some choices soon' she said, her eyes darkening as her eyes drifted to the Slytherin table, her fingers tightening ever so slightly around her cup.
Lily felt her skin prickle with goosebumps, her throat closing up.
'Sev's not like that, you don't know him like I do' she said and she believed that, she really did.
"I will not join the Death Eaters, Lily. I give you my word"
She bit her lip. No, he had promised her he wouldn't join them and she believed him.
Severus might've been poor and prone to anger outburst, but despite having a mean streak, he wasn't evil. And if a week ago she would have probably admitted that he wasn't above questionable acts to get what he most wanted, things were different now. She trusted him, for she knew he hadn't been lying when he had made that promise. The thought he might've been trying to deceive her was too painful to conceive, but it had been more than just words. It ought to be. Severus had cut ties with Avery and Mulciber, placing himself in danger and proving that he really meant it, that he was willing to chance.
'He promised me he wouldn't' she said, secretly glad that her voice did not shake as she stared Dorcas straight in the eyes. And yet, she hated how naïve her words sounded. She grimaced, briefly wondering whether Dorcas thought her childish. The truth was that the matter was far more complicated than that. Something had changed.
Dorcas' eyes were nothing but dark and dreary and Lily felt a pang of sadness. Of course, Dorcas wouldn't trust him to do anything good with his life.
'And you believe that? You really do?' she asked softly, then exhaled deeply and leaned back in her seat, 'he's ugly, poor and downright unpleasant, but on one thing we agree, of the many things he is, he's not stupid. That's why even if you don't think he shares those Slytherin's beliefs, once he's out of school he's going to use those connections. He's going to join him, trust me. He won't give a damn about your friendship when he can get everything he's missing in their ranks– reputation, money, power' Dorcas' lips thinned slightly, her arms crossed under her chest; she sounded both worried and bitter.
'I worry about you Lily, it's not your job to save him; men really should stop expecting things like that. You're a good person; you really are, but he's not your problem to deal with. Even though, as I said, you're far too clever to not cut him out of your life before that happens, you need to take care of yourself' Dorcas said, leaning towards her, her words firm, but kind.
And if that hadn't been the truth, then why was Mulciber so furious with him? She had seen Severus avoid them, she'd seen him walk away from them, leaving Mulciber furious to the point she was now worried for his safety.
Dorcas wetted her lips, the sceptical look never leaving her dark eyes.
'You really believe him, don't you?'
Dorcas' eyes were nothing but dark and dreary.
This time Lily did not hesitate to answer.
'Yes'
For a moment it looked as though Dorcas would not reply, then she got to her feet, her eyes searching hers as she prepared herself to leave.
'I hope you're right, ginger. I like you, I don't want to see you hurt, but sometimes I can't help but think that you put too much faith in others. People don't really change, sometimes they just become better liars' Dorcas said bitterly, her eyes assuming a darker shade as she swung her bag over her shoulder, not another word getting past her lips as she walked away.
Lily looked out of the window, the sun slowly disappearing behind the tall mountains surrounding the Black Lake. The days were growing brighter and longer, the smell of summer getting stronger each day. She looked up, already knowing how much she would miss the bright stars illuminating the sky. Too many people seemed to give them for granted, especially people like Mary and Marlene, lucky enough to live in the countryside, with huge gardens in front of their houses and fields extending as far as the eye could see.
There were no stars in Cokeworth, well, no more than a few. Her part of town wasn't as bad as Sev's, but it wasn't much to write home about. On a lucky day she could catch a glimpse of Cokeworth's playground from her window. But she could also see the ominous smoking chimney looming on the horizon. Petunia hated them, she had taken her dad's decision to move there as a personal insult.
Lily neither liked nor disliked Cokeworth. It wasn't nearly as bad as Petunia made it out to be, but on the long summer nights she missed Hogwarts' clear sky. Indeed, her hometown could hardly compare with the eerie waters of the Black Lake and the tall mountains that would shine of a hundred different shades of gold during the sunset. If centaurs were right, but if the planets and stars really did give away looming predictions of war, she saw none in the sky.
Lily sighed, averting her eyes from the beautiful sky, Dorcas' words still playing in the back of her mind. Dorcas had always been quite reserved and a good listener. Lily liked that about her. Of course, that also meant that in five years of knowing each other there was still a lot she didn't know about her. Personal questions made Dorcas uncomfortable, so Lily had learnt very quickly to keep the conversation light and relaxed, the other girl instantly relaxing in her presence.
She frowned as she remembered the look in her eyes, as well as the whispers of her unhappy family life. Of course, infidelity wasn't all that uncommon amongst pureblood families, considering the awful amount of arranged marriages, but she knew that Dorcas lived with her mother. She shook her head, slightly ashamed for being so curious. It was none of her business, Dorcas would either tell her on her own terms or not tell her at all.
Severus too, did not like Lily asking about his family. She'd been told that she wouldn't understand. Her family loved her, they had taught her that the love parents have for their children is absolute and unconditional. Lily had still been very young when, upon catching a glimpse of Eileen Snape, she'd found herself questioning such statement. Of course, Petunia's increasing jealousy and loathing made her own family life far from idyllic, but Lily still hoped that Petunia would come along eventually. To Severus that had seemed the final proof that she was "too fucking naïve" for her own good. Lily's lips twitched in a sad smile.
He'd had a dirty mouth, Severus; Lily had listened, captivated by those colourful insults as a child. Every word had sent a thrill down her spine, given her an adrenaline rush; the thought of what her sister would say to her parents making it all the more exciting. A whole new world had opened before her eyes.
Funnily enough, Sev seemed to have grown out of such language. Lily frowned, wondering how on Earth he had managed to completely erase his ill manners in little more than a week. Indeed, most of the time, due to his poor social skill and hot temper, he often tended to snap or be unashamedly straightforward in his speech, barely aware that he was being either insensible or carelessly rude.
As of now, the rude Severus seemed nothing but the product of a strange dream. Lily brought her knees closer to her chest, the clock in front of her reading half-past one. She looked at the starry sky outside. She hadn't really stopped to think too much about his miraculous change, but…
She shook her head. No, he was just trying to live up to his word and be a better person, there was nothing wrong with it, and…
"Really? Nothing wrong? Never mind that old Snivelly's a slimy odd ball and that he's never been that good at Transfiguration either. Open your eyes Evans, there's something fishy about it and when I-"
Lily pursed her lips, vanquishing Potter's words from her mind. Between what Potter and Dorcas had said, she didn't really know what to think. She sighed, closing the book in her lap and getting under the covers. She'd been so lost in her thoughts that she could barely remember the first half of it. So much for a study free weekend.
Lily looked up at the ceiling, a strange feeling of uneasiness enveloping her heart as she fell asleep.