Chapter 13 – Misguided Hopes
Lily cleared her throat, her cheeks slightly pink when, for the first time in ten minutes, she dared casting a look at Severus. She stared at him, quickly tugging a strand of hair behind her ear, before she averted her eyes once more. An awkward silence had fallen between them after, under the Marauders' astonished gaze, she had grabbed her best friend by his skinny arm and dragged him in the tackiest teashop either of them had ever had the misfortune to see.
Had she not still been upset by Potter's words, Lily would've almost smiled, the faint sneer still resting on Sev's lips letting her know just what he thought of the decor. She sighed, her gaze wandering to the flowery tapestry. Frills and bows covered every inch of the shop, the small bell hung above the door tinkling lightly whenever someone walked in.
Lily sat a little straighter as her eyes continued to wander. The place was cramped and crowded; their table small but close to the window. The was a fireplace behind Sev, which looked as though it must've been barely used in the past few months. A wide range of decorative plates adorned the mantelpiece, all of them displaying ducks and geese with bows and flowers. It might not have been what she would have gone for, but it looked as though Madam Puddifoot had tried to make the best out of the small space she had been given. In fact, despite it being a bit tacky, Lily quite liked it.
She stared at her best friend, the dark look on Severus' face positively clashing with the flowery wallpaper, the alarming prevalence of the colour pink making instantly clear to her that such place had not been designed with friends in mind. Sure enough, it hadn't taken her long to notice that they were probably the only two people, apart from a couple of elderly witches, who were not holding hands.
An exclusive place for couples, something Marlene had conveniently forgotten to mention. Of course, she had heard the name of this place before, but… She blushed, holding the menu a little straighter over her nose, the appearance of two boys making her feel slightly better about the whole ordeal, or at least, that was until she noticed that they too seemed to be holding hands.
She dared another look at Sev, blushing even more. He had told her that he would not mind going inside, setting some of her worries at ease when he had assured her that no, Potter had not threatened him, but… She shifted once again in her chair, feeling strangely nervous, his expression, apart from the obvious displeasure, hard to read.
And yet, as she stared at his dark eyes and unfriendly demeanour, Lily wondered how different things would've been if they had entered Madam Puddifoot's cafe as a couple. She looked at the couple sitting on a table nearby, the girl blushing as the boy kissed her on the corner of her lip, their eyes meeting briefly before a middle-aged witch approached them with a tray in her hand. Lily found herself smiling when they quickly distanced themselves, the boy awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. Madam Puddifoot regarded them with an encouraging smile, moving to the next table as the boy sweetly poured some tea in their nicely decorated cups.
She rested her chin in the palm of her hand, her lips twitching as she realised that Severus too had been staring at them, looking as though he had just swallowed a lemon. His lips curled into a barely hidden sneer as they timidly resumed their interrupted kiss. Lily tried not to laugh as she wondered when he had become so uptight, his ramrod straight posture and contemptuous look suddenly reminding her of Professor McGonagall; since she too did not approve kissing.
She saw his lips purse, on his face the look of someone who was barely restraining himself from saying something. The couple might have been one or two years younger than they were, but his unspoken disapproval seemed almost comical. Her lips stretched in a wan smile as their gaze briefly met, those black eyes betraying a hint of nervousness as he hastened to look away.
Not quite the monster Potter had described. Still, she wondered whether his tension could not be attributed to the fact that he was afraid to be seen with her in this place. She sighed, guilt settling heavily on her stomach. She had no reason to think that. Mulciber's displeasure had been a clear tell-tale of how little he seemed to care about his friends' opinion these days.
Severus would never become a Death Eater; he had promised her that and he was actively trying to change. She really shouldn't be thinking so little of him. She watched him as he stared down his nose at the menu, her lips twitching once more as his eyes darted to the kissing couple.
Once again, Lily caught herself staring at his eyes. She had always wondered how they could be so dark, appearing almost eerie in the dim light. You could rarely see his pupils, the darkness of his eyes making them look completely black most of the time. He seemed to have inherited them from his mother, but contrary to Eileen Snape, even when his eyes had looked cold, they had never seemed completely lifeless. She shuddered, wondering once again, how bad his home life was, for not once in five years she had seen him writing to his own mother.
There had been a letter, at the beginning of their first year, but after that, next to nothing. Sev had begrudgingly told her his father had gone mad upon seeing the owl, the bird ending up injured after the man had thrown a bottle at it.
"He doesn't like anything, much" he had told her once, with Lily often wondering whether it wasn't just magic and owls his father disliked. She wondered what Tobias Snape was really like; she had only seen Sev's mother, but regardless of the few things she knew about him, Lily had never imagined him as a loving father. There was always something dark and foreboding in Severus' eyes every time they sat on the train heading to King's Cross station. He would often stare out of the window, watching the wild Scottish landscape turn into green fields, his mouth a little thinner as he returned to their compartment wearing his father's large jacket and faded trousers.
Somehow, Lily's smile had always been able to lift some of the darkness off his eyes. They'd make plan for the summer and… Lily blinked.
'Sev?' she called, her heart beating a little faster when he stared at her with those fathomless dark eyes.
'Yes?' he answered politely, waiting for her to speak.
When was the last time she had thought about asking him to go on holiday with her family? She averted her gaze, ashamed. It had been more than one year, and before he had started to mingle with Death Eaters and Dark Magic. As for this very year, he had become so hateful and temperamental that the thought of asking him to take part in her family holiday hadn't even crossed her mind.
It was different now, though. They had talked, really talked and Severus had promised her that he would never join them, that he was better than that. He wouldn't laugh at her for thinking he might want to join her family holiday. He wouldn't think less of her for looking forward to a trip to Cornwall, she thought, the uncertain look in his eyes a far cry from the look of impatience he would've given her a mere week before.
So, Lily leant towards him, the worried look in her eyes soon replaced by a small smile as she finally made up her mind.
'I was wondering whether you already had anything planned for the summer', she asked.
For a moment Severus looked stunned. He opened his mouth, as though he was going to reply but closed it straight away, his confusion soon replaced by a small frown. A pang of guilt churned in Lily's stomach as she realised that, very much like her, he probably still struggled to believe that things were back like they were before. He shifted on his seat, a weary look falling upon his face before he looked at her once more.
'I… I have not had enough time to consider it' he managed to say after a while, his frown suggesting that the thought of summer holidays hadn't even crossed his mind. She smiled a bit as he stiffly asked her for her own plans, his eyes briefly wondering to a couple of sniggering girls as Lily went on.
'It's a family holiday, but Dad says he wouldn't mind if you came with us. I'd be happy if you did, we'll be going for Australia after that, so I won't see you for a while' Lily said, tilting her head when she noticed that for a moment his eyes had widened.
'A family holiday?' he repeated incredulously.
Lily nodded, her smile never wavering.
'It's just a weekend, I mean, you… you don't have to pay for, it's just-', she stopped when a plump woman squeezed with some difficulty between their table and the one of their closest neighbours. Very much like the rest of the shop, she too was dressed in frills. She gave them a knowing look, her eyes lingering between the two of them before she addressed Sev with a kind smile.
'What can I get you, sweetheart?', Lily had to try really hard not to laugh as Severus blinked his eyes slowly following the woman's gaze, as he slowly came to realise it had not been Lily who had been addressed in such a way. His lips imperceptibly thinned, his eyes seemingly daring her to refer to him with such appellative again.
'Well?' Madam Puddifoot said, completely oblivious to his look of annoyance.
'Black tea would suffice' he said stiffly, his lips twitching in displeasure when, once again, she looked between them with a smile.
'And what about you, my dear?' she said, turning towards her, her quill hovering on a small piece of parchment.
Lily briefly looked at her friend, the possibility that he could not afford more than a tea, making her stomach churn. He must be hungry; it was way past normal lunchtime. She wondered what his parents did with the funds Professor Dumbledore distributed to the students in need. Not much for Severus for sure, she thought, looking at his bony frame. Remus too had been granted those funds and yet, despite most of his clothes looking old and worn, his robes had never had holes in them, nor had they been half as bad as Sev's.
She had often wondered, but had never dared to ask. It was none of her business how his parents used that money and the only time she had hinted at it, Sev he had merely mumbled something about his father losing his job. He had been angry and had confidently told her that she didn't need to worry about him and that he'd make a much better man then Tobias Snape would ever be. She remembered smiling and telling him that she believed he'd be brilliant.
'I'll get peppermint tea and some scones for us both' she said then, taking it upon herself to revert the sickly look that still adorned his face, promising herself that by the end of the school year she'd see him off happy and healthy. If his parents couldn't care enough for Severus then she would.
He blinked, opening his mouth to argue, his expression darkening ever so slightly; but he never had the chance to voice his thoughts.
'I'll have none of it, young man. She's right. Ladies aren't impressed with young men who starve themselves' Madam Puddifoot said importantly, the annoyed look that crossed Severus' face causing Lily to give him an awkward smile.
With another small nod in Lily's direction, Madam Puddifoot scurried away, leaving them alone once more, the sour expression on Severus' thin face letting her know that he had not been impressed by her stunt. She squirmed under the harsh look he gave her, wounded in his pride by the implications of her ordering food for them both, of her ordering something she knew he wouldn't be able to pay.
'I do not need your pity, Lily. I was perfectly content with tea' he said, grimacing, when Madam Puddifoot came back with a tray, the smell of freshly baked scones lingering between them.
'It's not pity, I just-', she looked at his furrowed brow, not quite knowing what to say.
He was too thin and he wasn't eating properly, it was within her right to reproach him for that. They had always looked out for each other; whether it was her inquiring about his home life or him ready to listen to rants about how hurtful Tuney had been. She liked to think that Severus knew he could count on her as she on him.
There was nothing wrong in sharing her meal with her best friend, but Severus seemed to have conveniently forgotten they had done it before. Sure enough, he had never looked at her like that. She gulped, the hard look on his face making it instantly clear that he no longer wanted Lily to care for him like she used to. How could she have failed to notice that things had gotten that bad between them?
'Sorry, I didn't realise that-', she started, only to stop a second later, not even knowing what she was apologising for, if not, that she hadn't meant for them to ever end up behaving like strangers.
Lily gulped, refraining from blinking as she came to realise that their friendship wasn't nearly as good as she had liked to believe. She stared at him, his face becoming a tad paler as she swallowed back tears, the dark look on his face slowly changing into one of discomfort as their eyes met.
It seemed unbelievable that it had taken her almost a week to realise that they were not indeed fine. She had been too happy about his change of heart to notice that he had barely spoken to her in those last days, his answers never longer than a few words. Lily gulped as she realised that he probably didn't even want to be there with her at all, that he had probably agreed only out of his newfound manners.
'I-', he started with some difficulties, whilst Lily's eyes stung, 'If it pleases you, I'll eat it' he said awkwardly, quickly scooping one of the scones from the tray as she stared at him with a look of utter disbelief.
She opened her mouth, her ears burning when she realised how childish she must've looked. It was his fault, really, it wasn't for her sake that he should be taking care of himself. It wasn't about the scones either. She opened her mouth to tell him just that, but in the end, she just gave him an exasperated look. He blinked, his thin lips parting in confusion. She was suddenly reminded of her dad and of men oblivious to the mysterious nature of women's displeasure. She averted her eyes, frustrated and embarrassed.
Stupid Severus, in the end it wasn't her who had ended up looking like a child.
Still, Lily felt her cheeks grow warm when they both made to reach the flowery tea pot, their hands touching midway. Whether he had only agreed because she had looked as though she was about to cry, she did not know, but it was the sudden appearance of Madam Puddifoot that saved them from having to look at one another.
She had brought them clotted cream and jam.
'I do not particularly enjoy sweets' he offered strangely, when Lily noticed he'd barely put any jam on his scone. And she was torn between disbelief and amusement when, once again, the loud snogging of the table behind him had him bristling.
The pursing of his lips that followed was almost comical and she was immediately reminded of a young Scrooge. She tried to imagine him older and grumpier, but in the end, she just managed to picture him with an angry face and a nightcap. She pressed her lips together not to laugh. He owned a nightshirt, didn't he? Most wizards did and then, Lily was suddenly reminded that Sev had never been one to understand people's exuberance with festivities.
He raised an eyebrow at her, but the genuine smile on her face seemed to reassure him that she wasn't laughing at his expenses. It wasn't much, but in the next couple of minutes they both seemed to grow more relaxed.
'Please, allow me' he said, when she made to reach for the tea pot once again, silently showing her that even Slytherins could be chivalrous.
Her mouth twitched in a small smile as she brought the cup to her lips. She watched him as he did the same, wrinkling her nose a little when he blatantly disregarded the milk and sugar by his side; she had never known him to enjoy the bitter so much. He didn't seem to mind the scone though, nodding politely when after the first bite, Lily asked him whether he liked it.
She slowly relaxed against her chair, asking herself whether she wasn't just being a bit paranoid in regard to their relationship, or him not liking her anymore. In a couple of weeks, they'd be fine, they just needed a bit of time to go back to how things had been. She sighed, her eyes wandering to the flowery cafe.
Her lips twitched, the sight of so many people looking at each other with such love and fondness filling her heart with joy. She stared at them with fondness, but it wasn't long before she noticed that there a couple of people were staring at them. She tried to tell herself that things weren't probably the way they seemed. She tried to tell herself that it wasn't really Severus they were looking at with such envy and mockery in their eyes.
She knew they called him ugly, mocking him for his features as well as his personality, but… Lily gulped, none of them knew him for how he really was. Yes, his nose might have been a bit too big for his face, his hair greasy most of the time, his face thin and sallow, but his eyes were beautiful, his fingers long and delicate. He could be kind when he wanted to and most important of them all, Lily could trust him to be by her side, since he hadn't left her to join those horrible Death Eaters.
Let them stare, she thought, finding that she cared very little what they thought, of what Potter had thought when she had dragged her best friend in here. She looked at Severus from the corner of her eye, wondering if he minded that people were inevitably bound to think he was her boyfriend, their disapproving looks hard to miss.
Well, he certainly had never thought about her that way, she considered, her face flushing with heat when she found he was, once again, staring at her. For the life of her, Lily couldn't even imagine him fancying someone, girl or boy for that matter, not when he had never seemed interested in those things. She stared into those intense black eyes, her face flushing even more. She brought her mug to her lips, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. As oblivious as he could be sometimes when it came to people's emotions, Lily had been told more than once that she was an easy book to read.
She made a face as the tea burned her lips, grimacing when she put her mug back on the plate, fighting the urge to cough. How could he even drink it like this? She thought as Severus too drank the hot liquid, his face remaining as stoic as ever.
She frowned slightly as, once again, she caught herself noticing his manners, his legs elegantly crossed, his back ramrod straight. She blinked. When had he stopped slouching? Something shifted inside her as Dorcas and Potter's words echoed in her mind, Sev's strange behaviour and her increasing awareness of how much she had unconsciously wanted to ignore it, making those absurd theories not nearly as funny as she'd thought them to be.
Still, she shook her head, her heart skipping a beat when a part of her felt the need to remind her that Severus Snape had never had such manners, nor treated her with such cold form of politeness, regarding her almost like a stranger. Her eyes briefly drifted to his face, a thin drop of sweat running down her temple as she stared at the lank hair framing that thin face.
'Is there something wrong?' he asked, his voice nearly causing her to jump in her seat.
Lily tried to smile, a new wave of uneasiness washing over her as she forced herself to meet his dark eyes.
Something's off, she thought before she could stop herself, the guarded look he gave her almost causing her to wince. He was tired, she told herself, he was just tired and she was making him suspicious and paranoid. There was nothing different about him, she was just seeing what she wanted to see.
She should've never let Dorcas and Potter's words to get to her head. She dared another look at him, focusing on the faint shadows that still rested under those dark eyes. Yes, that was it, he was just tired, she thought again, forcing herself to smile.
'Nothing's wrong, it's just been a strange week' she confessed, trying to relax, telling herself that this was Severus, her best friend, and that there was no reason whatsoever to feel uncomfortable in his presence.
He looked at her for a few moments, his eyes seemingly staring right through her. He wasn't moving much and as she watched his eyes shift to the people surrounding them, a strange look crossed his eyes. Still, his gaze visibly softened when he looked at her once more. He gave her a weak smile. She thought that he looked… sad, like he had not smiled in years.
'Yes, I cannot say I would have believed anyone who told me I would end up in such a place' he said wearily, his body language betraying a hint of discomfort at those words.
Lily gave him a guilty look.
He knows I'm uncomfortable, she thought, feeling even worse when he asked her whether she'd like to leave. Damn it, Marlene, she thought, averting her eyes and suddenly unable to look at him. She forced herself to smile and shook her head, but she'd always been a horrible liar, her face always transparent, her freckled, fair skin and red hair incredibly unhelpful when it came to hiding emotions. The piercing look he gave her in response made it all too clear that he knew she was being untruthful.
Lily averted her eyes once more, fearing they would betray her doubts, both hands resting on her warm cup.
"I will not join the Death Eaters, Lily. I give you my word"
She shivered, feeling a stitch in her chest. Was there really something wrong with him? Or was it really possible for someone to change like that in a mere week? She wanted to believe it, she wanted to stop thinking about it, Merlin knew she did, but…
She looked at his fathomless eyes, Mary's words coming back to her mind.
"Best friends? He fancies you, that creep!"
Lily blinked, her face twisting in a funny expression. Was it merely that place that had brought Mary's words in the front of her mind? She had never asked him. She had planned on laughing it off with him that very day, but his sickly appearance had completely caused her to forget her friend's taunts. But what if it was true? What if one of her friends had confronted him about it?
Lily frowned. Could that really be? That would explain why he was being particularly cautious around her. And, if on the one hand Sev had always been a bit awkward, never, in whole time they had been friends, she had never known him to be capable of being so tactful and accommodating. What had Mary told him?
She gulped, her eyes wide as she nervously played with the ring on her finger, unsure what to think of the fact that such drastic change could have been for… her. Had he finally chosen to think over everything she had said about the Dark Arts and his friends? Had Mary undoubtedly venomous words caused him to think? Lily felt herself blushing a little, before she remembered that his behaviour was too different to be anything but worrying, his speech and manners so drastically different that sometimes, he barely acted like Severus at all.
She hadn't actually minded the swearing; Severus had never looked shocked when she herself had started picking it up from him. Not that she'd swear much, but she always got a strange thrill by knowing that Severus would barely notice. It was freeing. In a way, even more so when Petunia had overheard them talking in such a manner, calling her a worthless freak and telling her no one would ever marry her.
Well, she thought, looking at him, that had definitely changed. He should have known Lily wouldn't mind, so why was he doing it? As of now, he sounded like one of those boring stuck-up purebloods who talked to their friends as one would talk to their business partner. Indeed, lately he hadn't as much as said anything that mildly resembled a swearword in her presence. She grimaced a bit.
Had his Slytherin friends told him he needed to speak like that? Had they told him he needed to act like that in order to impress her? Lily doubted that, his friends would never approve of him fancying a Mudblood, but then again, the Severus she had known had never been one to listen to his friends, not in regards to certain things, anyway.
'Sev?' she called, swallowing nervously.
'Yes?' he said evenly, looking at her, the loud chattering around them and his lack of anger for having been dragged in here seemingly reinforcing her theory.
She stared at his lips, unable to look away as Mary's theory echoed once again in her mind. Was it so far-fetched? That… that would explain his weird behaviour or why, forty minutes after entering the flowery shop, he hadn't as much as made a single complaint.
The notion that Severus might have secretly wanted to go there with her caused her to blush, because… boys… they did that sort of thing for girls they liked, didn't they? Perhaps, Sev had just been too shy to directly ask her, or had thought Lily would refuse. Contrary to Gryffindors, Slytherins rarely went for a direct kind of approach. She stared at his face, almost expecting it to suddenly display some revealing sign that would confirm Mary's theory, but she saw nothing, if not a hint of confusion in his eyes.
Lily shook her head, thinking herself to be silly. Could it have been the reason for his sudden change? How could he fancy her when lately he hadn't listened to a word she'd said? When a mere week before he had been neck deep into everything she despised? And yet, as strange as it was, something had finally made him listen. Could it be that Severus might've started to feel something a bit stronger than friendship? Had he truly decided to change for her own sake?
She looked at him, beet red, her heart beating a little faster in her chest. What would she even say if he had come to like her that way?
'Severus, you…', she took a deep breath, opting for a direct approach, 'I was wondering if you… do you fancy me?'
She regretted those words as soon as they left her lips, startled as Severus choked on his tea, coughing.
She stared worriedly at him as he brought a hand to his mouth, his face red as he struggled to breathe. She made to pat him lightly on the back, but he moved an inch back, his reaction enough for her to realise how wrong her suspicions had been.
'W- What?' he croaked; his voice still hoarse from coughing.
Lily could barely look at him, not even knowing how to feel. She wondered what he'd say if she told him that she had thought he might've left that ideology just for her own sake. Well, other than staring at her in disbelief, he'd probably tell her to get off her high horse; for how self-conceited one possibly had to be to believe that they alone must be the reason of such a change? She should probably stop reading so many fantasy novels.
She saw him staring at her as though she was some sort of hellish creature ready to descend on him, his back pressed against the back of his chair as his face twisted in a pained grimace.
'Lily…' he started, but he did not finish, something akin to hurt and shame flashing in his eyes.
She gulped, hating herself for ever asking him that stupid question. She had hurt him, hadn't she? How could he not be hurt by the fact that Lily would believe his change had been nothing but a desire to impress a friend? A friend he had probably never thought needed impressing. Not anymore, not since they had both been children.
'I'm sorry, forget it, it was stupid' she said, and she truly meant it. They had been friends for seven years, what had she been thinking? Severus didn't like her like that. Ruining their friendship for some silly idea…
Severus opened his mouth only to close it a moment later, a dark frown stretching upon his face.
'I know you don't, I… it's just…it's just something Mary said and I thought… I thought she might've talked to you and said something horrible. I don't… I thought that might be why you've been acting a bit funny in the last few days' she confessed, finding herself unable to lie and looking at him as though he was a bomb ready to explode, one that she couldn't quite understand why had not detonated already after her accusations.
'I mean, there would've been nothing wrong if you did, but we've been friends for seven years, you'd tell me, wouldn't you, Sev? She was just being silly, saying that boys normally fancy someone when they-', Severus' face flushed scarlet.
'I am not a boy' he snarled, his eyes piercing as he looked at her, almost offended.
Lily stared and in the awkward silence that followed, a dull flush spread on his sallow cheeks.
'Aren't you, Sev?' she said, smiling slightly when he seemed to blush even more.
'That's not… I-', she watched him struggle to find the right words, his mouth opening and closing as he eventually gave up, his unspoken frustration clearly written on his face as he could only glare at her. It was uncommon for him to look completely at loss, his defensiveness making him look strangely vulnerable, like a wounded creature that could no longer escape and was trying to make itself bigger in the eye of a predator. Only that Severus wouldn't bite, not when there was no malice in her words, not when he often also teased Lily.
"I am a man of my word" she remembered him saying, and Lily's eyes softened, his tightly pressed lips giving her the impression he was barely refraining himself from cursing her into next week. He looks cute, she found herself thinking, his flustered face looking even funnier when he was deliberately attempting to silence her with the power of his glare alone.
Severus narrowed his eyes as she started to laugh at his expenses, his absurd statement putting him in no position to blame her for finding his words nothing short of hilarious. He felt the urge to rub his temples, his cheeks still warm. Somehow, he had forgotten how cheeky she used to be; how easily he would blush in her presence.
"There's no need to call me Sir, Professor"
Severus' mouth twisted in a small grimace. Yes, as much as he loathed to admit it, it looked as though her blasted son's cheekiness had not merely been the product of Potter's genes. Still, he thought, clenching his teeth, Lily would have never answered a professor with such blatant disrespect. No, Lily would have never answered like that. Severus' mouth thinned, as it often did when he thought of that ungrateful brat. He refused to think that Potter might have been anything less than the carbon copy of his father; why he had probably celebrated Severus' death, laughed at the realisation he had been in love with his mother.
"I was wondering if you… Do you fancy me?"
He looked at her smile, shuddering at how close to the truth she had been. Mary said… Severus closed his eyes; somehow glad she had decided not to inquire any further on the previous subject. No, he had never "fancied" Lily, not even when he'd been nine, when she'd been a light in a bleak world of bitterness and violence.
He loved Lily, he'd die for her in a heartbeat, he would sacrifice everything he had for her happiness and he had spent the entirety of his life trying right his wrongs. She'd always been much more than a puerile fancy.
He sighed as he spotted the small smile still resting on her face.
"I mean, there would be nothing wrong if you…"
She certainly wouldn't have said so had she been able to see him for what he truly was. A foul and vindictive man, consumed by guilt, jealousy and hatred and as though that wasn't enough, an ex-Death Eater and murderer. Nothing wrong? Severus knew she would have never come anywhere near him had she been able to see through his deceitful appearance.
It wasn't with him after all that Lily had agreed to spend her time with. She hadn't been able to bear his dark tendencies at the age of sixteen, Merlin knew why she'd bear a man who had been a Death Eater.
Had she known the full extent of his sins, would she have ever believed he had changed sides? What would she think of the man who had sold her entire family and had her murdered? The man who had killed Dumbledore, spending the last year of his life unable to stop the children under his care from being tortured?
Severus thought of his aged face, his features hardened by years of loneliness and suffering, his left arm blemished with the reminder that some sins were just too great to be forgiven. What would she think of such a man? Would she be disgusted, frightened, even, by the monster the boy in front of her had become?
And what was worse was that foul and twisted as he was, Severus still loved her, no matter how he had tried to deny it. He couldn't even remember the last time he had smiled, the last time he had felt alive and here she was, making sure he ate properly, casually touching him as though Severus wasn't some twisted and tainted thing.
It was almost a foreign feeling to feel his heartbeat increase whenever she inched a bit closer to him, how easy it was to forget who he was when he was with her, easy to forget that they had all been eager to see him die.
Severus' lips twisted in a weary smile. It was truly like being a stupid teenager all over again, his worst fear being that Potter would take her away from him before he could show her what a great wizard he'd be. He could still remember how much he had dreamt of being powerful and feared in his youth. And sure enough, at the price of losing her friendship, powerful and respected he had become, the joy of seeing others cowering in his presence quick to wane and leaving his heart cold and empty as the years went by.
Severus had never expected to survive the war. A week after his death, he still felt as though he was walking in a strange limbo, Lily's presence being the only thing that helped him in feeling less like a corpse and more like a living being; the Dark Lord's defeat being the only thing he could think of to justify his presence amongst the livings. But what if he survived? The prospect was once again terrifying.
He looked at Lily. Hope was a cruel thing.
Would she want him to live once she knew just how much he had wronged her? She probably would, if not out of the kindness of her heart, because once his job had been done, he'd deserve the suffering of living another empty life. He'd deserve to watch her marry Potter and die alone.
Would she even believe a man like him could have turned from the darkness because of love? Severus knew no one would have ever suspected someone like him capable of such feelings. Of all the qualms surrounding his changing sides, sentimentality had never been one of them. And people had wondered. Severus wasn't as much as a fool as to believe that Dumbledore's sanity would not have been seriously questioned had he told his dear Order why he had come to trust Severus Snape.
No, not even Lily would've believed such a man could love another living thing. She would have never believed anything good had survived in a man who had had sunk so deep into the darkness, never truly shedding his skin from the vile creature he had been. No, there was little good left in him and, appearance aside, nothing Lily could ever come to love.
Severus sighed, staring at his hand, almost fearing that he might suddenly age again, that she'd see past his youthful appearance. What could one even call a man of his age who was in love with a girl of sixteen? Unfortunately, pathetic wasn't the first word that came to his mind.
Severus grimaced. He would never touch her like that, he couldn't even bear the thought of hurting her, let alone… grooming her. And yet had he not dreamt of her body in his arms? Did his body not react to her touch, longing for her to come closer, longing for more?
Severus' face whitened, becoming the colour of sour milk as disgust reared in his throat. Yes, Severus knew exactly what he was, the young couples surrounding them not helping him in feeling any less of a creep. He imagined looking like he had and couldn't help but shudder with the utmost revulsion at the realisation than no one could've seen him as anything but a sexual predator.
'Sev? Are you alright?' she asked him, the gentle caress in her voice causing another rush of self-loathing,
He forced himself to nod, his lips inevitably thinning as she gave him another small smile, the warmth in her eyes making him feel even more repulsed and ashamed of himself.
She stared at him for a moment and when Severus refused to listen her apologies about noisy friends and her own silly assumptions, she grew a bit quieter, her head slightly cocked to one side as, for the first time, she stared at him with a note of uncertainty in her eyes.
The tinkling bell of Madam Puddifoot's tea room rang at their backs as they walked out of the cafe. In the minutes that followed, Severus didn't utter a single word, wounded in his pride as he twisted his hands in his empty pockets. Lily gave him a small smile, a smile he ignored as he bit his tongue, barely stopping himself from uttering words he would later regret.
It was not Lily's fault he was poor; it was not Lily's fault he was frustrated for his lost possessions or that she couldn't see anything wrong in paying for his meal with her own savings.
They hedged towards a narrow alley, the late afternoon sun causing him to narrow his eyes as they found themselves once again on the main road. They walked for a few minutes; the road nearly deserted as the sun slowly disappeared behind the mountains.
Lily shot him a nervous look, his silence making her more anxious that she would've cared to admit. What's wrong with him? She thought, her heart hammering inside her chest as Potter's words played once again in her head.
She searched his face, his hair swaying slightly as he walked, the black strands falling over his cheeks unable to hide the hard line that had become his mouth. She watched him sigh, knowing full well he knew she was staring at him.
'You shouldn't have had to pay' he said after a while, his bitter resentment the strangest thing of them all.
'Am I not allowed to share food with my best friend? I thought you said there was no point in arguing with me' she said, ignoring the fact that his "not arguing" had never meant he wouldn't accept it begrudgingly.
Lily took a deep breath as he turned to face her, a hint of annoyance in his eyes.
'I don't want you to pay for something we share, remember?' she said, looking sideways at him. Alas, what should have served as a reminder him of a reluctant agreement, only earned her a frown.
Lily stopped dead in her track; because the was no recognition in his eyes. He doesn't remember that, she realised, hastening to tell herself that was only because it had happened two years before and not because he was some kind of imposter.
'You remember, don't you?' she pushed him, turning him towards her as she instinctively grabbed his arm.
It was only in that moment, when she saw his eyes narrow that Lily fully realised how deserted the street had become, the cold breeze and setting sun pushing her fellow peers back to the castle. She swallowed hard, her mouth strangely dry as she stared at him with wide eyes, her hand trembling slightly as she let go of his forearm.
It was just inevitable that her eyes would dart to the end of the street, to Madam Rosmerta's, where she knew her friends had gone to enjoy one last butterbeer. She stared at the skinny boy in front of her, her insides squirming painfully as she realised that there was no denying she was afraid of him, her instinct telling her once again that something was off.
She had never thought she would ever feel unsafe walking alongside with him, but the more she stared at him, the more she realised that Potter might've been right on at least one thing: people didn't change like that in one week.
'Lily' he called her, causing her to flinch.
In spite of her better judgment, she looked at him in the eye. For a moment, his eyes seemed to narrow, his forehead crinkling slightly; but just as she thought he was about to do something, he averted his eyes, his thin lips twisting in a pained grimace as he turned his back to her.
'I'm sorry' he said forcefully, making her wonder what the hell had just happened.
She stared at his back, watching as he tiredly brought a hand to his face. Does he know? Does he know I suspect him? She asked herself, her hand trembling madly as she tried to reach out for him. She needed to know, she needed to look at him in the eye. That way she'd know if it was him or if someone was controlling him. The Imperius Curse, Dark Magic, spells… Somehow everything was better than Polyjuice, than knowing it had taken her so long to realise it wasn't him.
'Severus, I-', she froze as his back suddenly stiffened, the hand that had been about to reach his shoulder jerking back as he turned around.
It all happened so fast that it almost felt surreal. She could've done nothing to prevent it. She saw his face contorting in a sneer, her sudden rush of adrenaline doing little to match the unnatural speed with which he turned around. A terrible jolt of fear shook her to the core as a flash of light left the tip of his fingers. She closed her eyes, feeling his hand on her arm, but his spell never hit her.
'Potter!'
She opened her eyes, as he released her, his back being the first thing she registered. She winced as he turned around, still trying to understand what had just happened if not that Severus looked furious, mad, his teeth bared as he frantically looked around, his nostrils flared.
If that was an imposter, Lily would've said that this was actually the first time he was doing a good job. She watched him stride past her, his hand stretched as he tried to get a hold of thin air. The scene would've looked almost comical hadn't she been worried he might be going insane. And while Severus had often claimed they took in turn to follow him everywhere, going as far as to yell that it had been Potter to make him fall head first in the mud in front of her, this looked as though he had finally gone bonkers.
She looked around, slowly drawing her wand, but no one was there, only a rat. She thought she heard the faint sound of footsteps, but whether or not someone had been actually following them for the whole time Lily could not tell.
'A stinging hex' Severus told her, the suppressed fury in his voice causing her to jump.
'Did I hurt you?' he asked suddenly, his eyes darting to the arm she was holding.
Lily shook her head, he hadn't actually pulled hard enough to hurt her; she was just ashamed for having feared he would.
'How do you know it was Potter?'
He did not answer. Merlin knew, she would've certainly felt relieved had he started cursing and threatening the other boy, calling him a coward for attacking him at his back, but Severus stayed silent.
Whether it had been actually Potter to fire that spell, Lily would never know, but her heart skipped a beat as she realised that whoever had done it had planned for her to be there as it happened. What had she missed?
She watched him close his eyes, his hands were still shaking when he opened them, but anger had now left its place to a cold kind of fury. He turned to look at her and it was only then, by looking at his trembling fingers, that Lily realised he had never drawn his wand.