Zuko and I fill the days that I make Iroh rest with sparring. He knocks me off my feet every time, in the literal sense. He is improving a lot. I think him seeing Aang again revitalized his desire to capture Aang, even though we are in the middle of the mountains and Iroh is just now walking without pain in his chest.
We don't talk about our conversation on that first day, but I have taken to wrapping my left arm with the stained cloth. When my anxiety flares, I unwind and wind it back up, to focus my thoughts. I do this without Zuko seeing, as I am afraid he'll ask me why I'm doing it and I will have to explain that sometimes, when I think about what he said, I wished he had kissed me again. Or I wish I had kissed him.
Finally, on the fourth day, I deem Iroh's burns healed enough for him to start his own training with Zuko. And not at all because my body is exhausted from working out for hours on end. I join in, mainly because my firebending training has halted along with Iroh's wound.
It comes as no surprise that Iroh begins his training with an explanation. All three of us sit around a pot full of tea that Iroh made, causally pushing off Zuko's demand for him to make it. Zuko and I sit on one side, both facing Iroh, and he begins to talk.
"Lightning is a pure expression of firebending, without aggression." I immediately spot the roadblock that's going to halt Zuko's training, but I stay silent. "It is not fueled by rage or emotion the way other firebending is. Some call lightning the cold-blooded fire. It is precise and deadly, like Azula. To perform the technique requires peace of mind."
Zuko misses the point, saying, "I see. That's why we're drinking tea, to calm the mind."
Iroh smiles, but does not point out the fault. "Oh yeah, good point! I mean, yes." I hid my laughter. We finish our tea, with Iroh going a little more in-depth on how to bend lightning. However, I find it odd that he does not mention balance in bending, like he did for me when we discussed our chakras.
We head outside. We stand at the cliff facing the ghost town, far below. It is isolated, surrounded on all sides by desert and mountains. It feels lonely.
Iroh continues, "There is energy all around us. The energy is both yin and yang. Positive energy and negative energy. Only a select few firebenders can separate these energies. This creates an imbalance. The energy wants to restore balance, and in a moment the positive and negative energy come crashing back together, you provide release and guidance, creating lightning."
We watch as Iroh steps forward, moving his hands in a circular motion. Lightning crackles from his uninjured side. The air smells pungent, wrong. Zuko and I watch in awe as Iroh shoots the lightning out into the desert, harmless.
As soon as he turns back to us, I say, "So, not all bending is about balance, huh? Sometimes you gotta force the energies out of alignment to get results." While I don't think this will necessarily help me regain my bending, it is interesting to see the action of imbalance put into motion.
Iroh nods. "Most bending is about finding the balance within our chakras and personalities. If we let something stand above the rest, it could cause issues with bending."
Zuko gets out of his awestruck face, ignoring our conversation, and says, "I'm ready to try it."
I wince inwardly, and I know Iroh is thinking the same thing as me. If Zuko did not find himself while he was alone, it is unlikely that he will be able to bend lightning. Of course, neither of us tell him this.
Iroh simply nods. "Remember, once you separate the energy, you do not command it. You are simply its humble guide. Breathe first." Iroh is gentle, guiding, like always. I can see the disaster that is about to unfold, but I know Zuko needs to learn on his own. At least, for this he does.
Zuko takes a deep breath, hopefully centering himself for the war he is about to put his body through. He moves in the circular motion like Iroh did earlier, face full of concentration. While the pungent smell is lingering in the air from Iroh, Zuko produces no lightning.
He pushes his right arm forward, resulting in an explosion that sends him back to Iroh and I. There is a smoldering area in front of where Zuko just stood. I look at Iroh, and he is shaking his head silently. Iroh does not step in, and allows Zuko to continue to try. And fail. Again and again.
Iroh and I sit in the shade of the house, watching Zuko's continued attempts. I say, "Do you think he isn't separating the positive and negative energies?"
Iroh nods. "It is likely that his anger is causing turmoil within him."
"It's like his chakra is partly blocked. Not enough that he can't bend anymore, but just so that he is not at his full potential."
Iroh smiles at me. "That could completely be possible. I believe it is shame that is holding Zuko back."
"Like why he stole. He's ashamed of his situation, of not having Aang by now." Zuko is unable to understand his own emotions, his feelings, and process them healthily. Which explains the rage and intense anger he always has.
Finally, frustrated, Zuko yells, "Why can't I do it? Instead of lightning, it keeps exploding in my face, like everything always does."
His words are always so harsh to himself. His self-doubt cannot be helping the situation either.
Iroh stands up and begins to move to Zuko. I join him. Iroh says, "I was afraid this might happen. You will not be able to master lightning until you have dealt with the turmoil inside you."
Zuko, exhausted after failing so many times, turns, snapping, "What turmoil?!"
"Zuko, you must let go of your feelings of shame if you want your anger to go away."
"I don't feel any shame at all. I'm as proud as ever."
"Prince Zuko, pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame."
"Well, my life has been nothing but humbling lately."
"Even though this experience as refugees has been humbling lately, I think you still feel shame at our situation," I say, stepping forward. I want to touch Zuko's shoulder, to comfort him somewhat, but I keep my hands to myself. "What we're going through isn't something we should be ashamed about, because we are still with each other. And surviving. Despite the bad circumstances we find ourselves in."
Zuko turns briefly at me, and he smiles. He looks grateful. I smile back.
"I have another idea. I will teach you a firebending move that even Azula doesn't know, because I made it up myself!" Iroh says.
We take a short break. Iroh goes inside to start preparing lunch, and Zuko and I sit on the shady side of the house.
I finally break the silence, "There's an imbalance in me too."
Zuko's head snaps to me. "What do you mean?"
"Well, you're probably well aware that I can't bend right now. At first, I thought it was a blocked chakra. I mean, it still can be, but I doubt it at this point. Iroh thinks it could be one of two things. One of my chakras can be overcompensating, pushing too much of one type of energy for another that isn't producing enough. Or, I used all my bending energy to survive in the iceberg."
"Can it come back?"
I shrug. "I don't know. Honestly, it could go either way at this point. But, I think I'm okay without it." Which is true. Or, at least, it feels true. I haven't had it for months now, and I've adapted, changed, become basically a different person.
After a long silence, Zuko says, "I don't know who I would be if I couldn't bend."
"Probably angrier," I joke. He looks at me a little puzzled. "Well, I mean, you use firebending as an outlet. You did it on the ship and you did it these past few days. You let your frustration out. Your techniques show that very clearly to me. Your moods change, and so does your focus, and determination, and your fire." I'm rambling now, but I don't stop myself.
"It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't think it's healthy either." Now I've gone off the deep end. "There's obviously some unresolved trauma, and bending is your outlet for that. But I think it'll work more in the short term than it will in the longer term. I mean, eventually, the anger has to run out, right?"
There is a very lengthy pause. Zuko is no longer looking at me, rather staring at the tree near the cliff. I think I crossed a line, but I don't know how to go back.
"I'm not saying the way you are handling your life is bad. We all cope with things differently. We are all our own persons. I think you will eventually come to a point where you just can't do the anger thing anymore. Whether by choice or circumstances. I'm a little worried about how you will handle it, but know Iroh and I will always be here for you, wherever you are, however far away we are, whatever path our choices may take. We both care about you."
Despite everything I say, Zuko responds quite differently than what I expected. "Thank you. I appreciate it."
It seems like my words have made some of an impact through his thick skull. I hope he will rely on us. That he will grow as a person, and this anger will go away, replaced by different emotions.
However, right now, it seems that it has yet to change.
After lunch, Iroh has Zuko and I sitting in the dirt away from the house. He has a long stick and is drawing in the sand.
"Fire is the element of power," Iroh says, drawing in the dirt between us. He draws the firebending symbol. "The people of the Fire Nation have desire and will, and the energy and drive to achieve what they want. Earth is the element of substance." Here he draws the earthbending symbol, strong looking, just like its people. "The people of the Earth Kingdom are diverse and strong. They are persistent and enduring. Air is the element of freedom." The familiar swirls of my people, a reminder of the wind.
"The Air Nomads detached themselves from worldly concerns and found peace and freedom. Also, they had a pretty good sense of humor!" Iroh smiles. I smile at him, but Zuko remains stoic. Granted, I don't feel like my humor has moved with me into this new century. He becomes serious again. "Water is the element of change. The people of the Water Tribe are capable of adapting to many things. They have a deep sense of community and love that holds them together through anything." He finishes drawing the flowing form of the waterbenders. Each symbol sits next to another, connected, like all things.
Iroh and I have discussed the interconnectedness of the world. How I used to believe if you gave yourself entirely to the spiritual aspect of one thinking, you could bend any element. It's sort of what the Air Nomads did to everyone that was born into the nation. Grow up with the influence of something, with the complete belief that anyone can learn to bend, and it will happen. Sometimes, it is nurture over nature.
Zuko has not heard Iroh and I's theological conversations, so it is lost on him. "Why are you telling me these things?"
"It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If you take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale." He draws lines around all the symbols, blocking them off from one another. "Understanding others, the other elements, and the other nations will help you become whole." Iroh draws a circle around the symbols, this time connecting them, despite their diversity.
"All this four element talk is sounding like Avatar stuff."
"It is the combination of the four elements in one person that makes the Avatar so powerful. But it can make you more powerful, too. You see, the technique I'm about to teach you is one I learned by studying the waterbenders."
"I think it is also important to note that it is a rigid mindset that will keep you from adapting, changing like the waterbenders. You've been good at learning the techniques I've taught you from airbending. But you also have to understand how each different nation thinks and behaves. By closing yourself off to change, it will be hard to grow," I say. I want to tell him my hopeful thoughts of learning different elements when I was young. That I believed, if I studied hard enough, watched, and understood, the other elements would bend to my hand.
Now, I can't even get one to bend to my will.
"It isn't as simple as I used to think it was," I continue, "but Iroh is right. If you open yourself to others, you will learn more than the Fire Nation could ever teach you. By learning other bending techniques, and adapting your own style of bending, you can become as powerful as Aang," I add. This seems to make Zuko more receptive toward Iroh's teaching.