[ Self-Contained OP: DUDE I DON'T FUCKIN KNOW THEY NEVER RELEASE THE BEST ONES OFFICIALLY RGG PISSES ME OFF - Yakuza 5 Western Intro ]
LIKE A FOOL 5! FULFILLER OF MEMES!
HappyNeoYear. yume
"Hey. Hey, Zinco."
Zinco looked over.
Neo held up a calendar, failing to suppress a smirk. "You fuckin' bitch."
"That… that was mean…?"
"It's my year, shitlord. It's MY YEAR."
"Oh. Great!" Jin happily cheered.
"Yeah!" Neo cheered back, basking in that ….iiIDIOT'S naivete. "Yeah, it's great, isn't it!"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah you don't even know why it's so great, do ya?" Neo giggled.
"It's the Dragon Year, right?"
Neo paused.
"I'm glad you can be so happy, even though so much bad stuff is supposed to happen to you!" Jin chirped, before walking along.
"... h-huh? Wh-whaddoya- hey bitch, it's MY year, THAT MEANS YOUR DAYS ARE NUM-"
Li Cheng's infinite wrath briefly manifested into a comedically-placed rake smacking him in the face.
VoshyoGonLearnToday. yume
"Mother, how was I born?" A seven year-old Voshyo asked, a head taller than his mom that he'd decided to visit every now and then.
The gruff woman took a second to think. "... Your father and I broke a boulder in half, and you popped out a while later."
"IT'S A WORTHY HEIR!"
"Waaah-r and death upon my rivals."
"Hah! What a trivial procedure!" Voshyo scoffed as he strutted out her quarters.
"(I have no idea when that will pay off, but it will. Might get a kick outta someone.)"
Parumi watched the happy couple hold the baby they'd recently come home with.
"Lord Voshyo… I've begun to consider rearing a child of our own."
Voshyo's demeanor hadn't dropped an inch. "Is that so?"
It should've been expected of a noble with the obligation of siring a successor, but his almost-apathy still stung. "W-well…I only believe that, if any time, then-"
"Yes, you're right. We'll need a stout force if we're to reclaim the Saiyan Empire." Voshyo pointed toward a large boulder outside. "That boulder should be large enough to suffice."
Parumi looked at him like he'd eaten the baby they didn't have yet.
Both new parents gave him much the same look.
He continued gazing, noticing the boulder's company. "Once we've split that boulder, we'll move on to the rest of them. With each stone, a new child bore!" He chuckled sinisterly. "Why, we'll have consummated an entire legion's worth by the time we're through!" Voshyo laughed.
The side of his tail was gripped with enough force to, I dare say, rip a chunk off a deck of cards. Oh, oh great heavens. A truly divine feat indeed.
"Excuse me, you two!" a blood-red Parumi politely spoke through her teeth, shaking as the mother held her baby's ears shut. The father's mouth seemed to quiver something fierce, no doubt from rage.
The small saiyan proceeded to drag her taller beau out the house in a fit.
"G-go get her, tiger!" the father whispered, garnering a punt from his wife as a reward.
Voshyo's mom smiled from the clouds. Which was weird because she sure as shit didn't belong up there.
DragonBallFansWhen. yume
"-AND YOU KNOW GOOD AND DAMN-SKIPPY WELL, THAT I MADE DRAGON BALL EVERYTHING THAT IT IS TODAY! AND I HAVEN'T EVEN WATCHED THE DAMN SHOW, BUT FOR SOME REASON, I FEEL SO DAMN ENTITLED THAT I THINK I'M OWED THE WORLD FOR WATCHING CLIPS ON YOUTUBE AND BASIN' MY ENTIRE OPINION OF THE SHOW OFF THAT AND THAT ALONE!"
The crowd erupted with the name of that one pink person on the show, IDK I haven't watched it.
"YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS, 'THE DRAGON BALL FAN', O.P, IS NOT HERE TO WIN OVER ANY CROWDS, ANY TIME SOON!"
"YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN, TRUNKS!"
"YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST FOLKS, 'THE-"
"YOU CAN STOP TALKING NOW, TRUNKS!"
OP leapt onto a banister, ignoring the agonizing pain in his hip garnered from his elderly, ripened age of 21. "AND I'M GONNA WALK OFF THIS RING, AND I'M GONNA…" OP's eyes were dragged to a big-ass screen with words on it. "WHA… WHAT'S THAT SAY!? WHAT THE FLOPPY… FRUIT-FUCKING-FUCK, DOES THAT SIGN SAY, BROTHER!?"
Son's glasses slowly fell off her face as an erhu started playing. "Oh my… L-LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S HER!"
OP quivered in his timbs as everything went dark.
Trunks clambered for his mic, an action he would have no need for if he'd take off his aviators. "DEAR GOD, SHE'S HERE! HER FIRST OFFICIAL DEBUT IN THE RING…!"
Xiao Mei appeared at the entrance, the screen displaying her mask-clad visage.
"IT'S 'THE DRAGON COCK ENJOYER', SHAOMEI!"
"NO!" OP screamed with all due fear and loathing. "NO YOU KEEP THAT SUM' BITCH OUT MY HERE RING!"
"MY EARS DO NOT DECEIVE ME, TRUNKS, THAT IS 'EARSHOT' BY 'WAIT' COVERED ON A GODDAMN ERHU, DEAR CHRONOA, IF I-MAY-VERY-WELL SAY A GOD'S NAME IN VAIN!"
"I'M HEARING WHAT YOU'RE HEARING, PAN, OP IS WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, FINISHED, IN FRONT OF A 27-STRONG AUDIENCE! THIS IS A 5, MAYBE 7 YEARS IN-THE-MAKING GRUDGE MATCH, AND MEI HAS BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY EVER SINCE OP PICKED UP AN ILLUSTRATION BY KENTARO MIURA, AND IT LOOKS LIKE OP KNOWS IT IN HIS SOUL, IN HIS CORE, AND PAN WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO SEE RIGHT HERE AND NOW HOW WELL A GREEN BELT IN MCMAP COMPARES TO 2000 YEARS OF MARTIAL ARTS!"
Mei froze. "G-Green belt in MCMAP?"
OP chuckled sinisterly. "Oh that's crazy, you didn't know? That I've been training for two hours every day for, like, two weeks for this moment? Because let it be known that it's far too late for reg-"
"OH SAM HELL SHE'S RUSHIN' HIM MID-MONOLOGUE! OP DID NOT SEE THIS COMIN' AND- SHE'S DONE IT! SHE'S GOT HIM IN THE LOTUS HOLD!"
"SHIT I FORGOT THIS WASN'T NOTIONAL AIIIIIIIE!"
"1… 2… 3, AND THERE IT IS!"
"YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST FOLKS, XIAOMEI IS MOVING FORWARD, TO FACE OFF AGAINST SCOTT STEINER, AND SAMOA JOE, IN THE 9XX WILLAWASH GIGAMEGA SUPERSLAM! HOLY FUCK I'M HAVING AN ANEURYSM!"
"Absolutely insane match today, ALMOST enough to forget my own bottomless trauma!"
"Uh, trunks-"
"I can only HOPE for a chance to sever MY OWN cruel creator from this mortal coil in such an inspiring manner, instead of being restrained to this hellish karmic cycle of building character, and losing everything I've fought to protect!"
"... we'll be right back after the sponsors. Dammit, old man…"
LessThanHappyNeoYear. yume
"..."
"..."
"Neo, gimme my jacket."
"No."
"Neo. Jacket. Now."
"Get bent."
Dina went in for it, and they briefly entered a tug of war.
"NEO, I WILL RIP IT OFF YOU IF I-"
"PRY IT OFF MY COLD DEAD HANDS, SHITLO-"
Neo stumbled and sprained his ankle. "... aaAA-HAH. AAH-HA-HAH. AH."
Dina's hands flew overhead, and her grasp left with it. "THAT WOULDN'T'VE HAPPENED 'F YA HADN'T GOTTEN SO UPPITY, YA TART! CHRIST!"
"I'M KEEPIN' THE COAT, PISS OFF!"
HowOldIsMuara. yume
The barista inspected the ID. "Missy, this says you're 13."
"W-wh-w-what?" Kaza panicked. "Th-that clearly says I'm 18!"
The barista showed her. "Sharpie's starting to erase."
"..."
"You do realize legal age is 20, anyway, right?"
"..."
Kaza took a stage left. "One second."
"Oh yeah I'll just wait for you to magically turn 20 in that one second. Sure. Why not." The barista rubbed her temple. "These stupid kids, gods I need a bouncer…"
Kaza came back. "Muara."
"OOOOOH WOOOOOW YOU CHANGED YOUR TENTACLES AND SPEEDREAD A DICTIONARY! KIDS SURE GROW UP FAST, THESE DAYS!"
"Ara?"
"Yes. Yes you are. Go back to doing… DingDong or whatever the hell teenagers do nowadays, I dunno, kids are lame now."
"Aaamura?"
"Uh huh."
Muara groaned. She cleared her throat.
"Aah Maa—h, Aaaraaaa—"
The barista's head shot to attention, and instinctively joined in. "I Don't Knooo~w… Can You Repeee—at The—e"
"MUAAAA—RAAAA-"
Both started screaming the last four lines, Muara playing a mean air guitar all the way as the barista keyboard-ed her counter. They did so for hours on end.
All the while…
"(i'm never gonna find out if the malt is chocolate, am i?)" the boss of Muara (who is, now, not,) sulked in an open spirit field.
"(Life is unfai~r…)"
AlwaysOneNamedJordan. yume
"Hey, everyone!" greeted a dark-skinned saiyan to a small pride of his young, black and educated compadres.
"Whas good lo"
"I'm new to Conton!"
"Yeah saw that shit from here widdat weak ass gi lil bro"
"Rocco calm yo pugnacious ass down, he just got here"
"Come round these parts lookin like the krayola karate kid, like i won't galick cannon your shit with unbridled explosive ordinance-"
"Man fuck all dat, what's yo name man?"
"I'm Jordan!"
.
.
.
"I'm a saiyan raised on Earth!"
"KHHHHH HAHAHAHA-"
"Bro shut up, damn"
"... wha-what fuckin' Earth names they kids 'Jordan'? Like they couldn't name you somethin' sweet like Babikyu?"
"Saiyan is jokes right now, bro what's your REAL name?"
"I don't know my Saiyan name, my parents sent me to Earth as a b-"
"Oh my god his name really is Jordan."
"HOW'S THIS SHIT KEEP HAPPENING!?"
Jordan scratched his head. "What's up with you guys?"
"JORDAN IS THE 10TH MOST COMMON NAME FOR BLACK SAIYANS HERE, AND FOR NO REASON! RIGHT IN FRONNA SON GOTRIX!"
"The fuck does gotrix even mean though"
"UNDERSTANDING OF ASS CEREAL!? I DON' KNOW, THE POINT IS I'M ASKIN' QUESTIONS NOW! WHO IS SENDIN' Y'ALL HERE!?"
"Nnh-hh! Son Gotrix!? That's my Rival's name!"
.
.
"He was born after Goku had a baby with the West Supre-"
"Get out."
"But-"
"Get. Out."
"I-"
"BITCH IS YOU DEAF!? SCRAM, FOOL!"
"But I-"
"IF I EVER SEE YO LIGHTSKIN ASS AGAIN, IT'S ON SIGHT!"
"I just wanted-"
"IMMA SNATCH UP, THOSE GOKU SPIKES, AND IMMA DRAG YOU, ALL OVER THIS CITY, RIGHT NOOO-"
Mauroshi. yume
"When it comes to 16 year-old Neoru Orojia, Kaset…"
Kaset held his fist to his mouth, slowly rocking.
"... you are NOT-"
He didn't hear the rest of the verdict. His head slowly sank as he quivered, his hands pulling his hair down as Videl did three backflips and a somersault in the midst of incoherent screaming.
LightningIsACurse. yume
"Happened to me," Sasuke sulked.
"Same here," Kashimo moaned, cutting into a waffle.
"His name was Little Boots," Jason Grace muttered, staring through a donut. "Little Boots."
"At least your rival didn't need to swoop in and save you from Monkey Face in your final appearance," Masamune sniffled.
"The Elder Gods just stood there and watched," Raiden added, head in hands.
Azula seethed in place.
"Evil Ending never happened, apparently," Cole MacGrath cosigned. "'Choices matter' my ass."
"I-I mean-" Misaka tried to cope, "A-Accelerator beats almost everyone, so it doesn't really count, right? I shouldn't even be-"
"It counts," Killua added. "It counts."
Azula seethed in place harder.
Zhang Chulan looked around. "Wait, I get the job done every time, I don't-"
"Doesn't Baobao own your sorry ass?" Ky hissed.
"NO!"
"..."
"... yeah…"
"So I'm pretty much cursed to lose my match 'cus'a me zip-zap magic, yeah?" asked Dina.
"Yep," they said in unison.
"Pika."
Except one.
"... congrats on the win, by the by."
"Pika!"
NeoYear. yume
"NEO, I NEED MY SHIRT BACK, I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE PISSED OFF TAI SUI TWO YEARS BACK AND, AND OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?"
The entire room was red. He'd also turned it into a Red Room.
"I-I really can't have shit, e-eh?" he cursed shakily, red amulets lining his arms, his legs tucked into his arms.
The sound of disembodied applause suddenly flooded the room.
Dina's head went all over the place. "What the- oh, hey Mei."
The anti-assassin squinted in confusion before realizing. "Oh. Year of the Dragon." She sighed. "It is a splendid tradition, but beloved, don't tell me you take it to heart."
Neoru looked up. "Wha?"
Mei crouched to his level, ruffling his hair. "It is an ancient method of telling time, silly boy! As if mice and rabbits would race with snakes and tigers!"
"H-heh… yeah, that's pretty dumb, right?"
"Mhm! Such tales exist to amuse children and convince them to keep track of time. That is all."
"Aww~!" Dina silently cooed.
Neoru stood back up. "Man, I feel like a dumbass. Yo, Dina. Here's your jacket, it smells like ass anyway."
She snatched it as it sailed toward her. "You're awful confident that I won't bash your head in front of ya bird, eh?"
"What bir- whatever, I'm gonna go space out on the school roof, heard that's a cool thing ta do."
He proceeded to jump out the window.
Dina sighed. "That boy's utterly hopeless, isn't he? I can't believe he fell for children's stories!"
"They are not children's stories."
"... Fell for, folktales, I guess-"
The sound of audible ankle-breaking pain rang out.
"Oh, the zodiac is very real."
"... hueh?"
Mei nodded. "Mh. Ill omens and misfortune will hound him all year. But I would prefer if he lived in ignorance."
"That's… almost swee- yeah no that is fucked."
"You fed me opium brownies."
"... eh, you got better."
A purple dragon shot into the sky soon after.
"...Your relationship is a massive sex joke, by the way."
"How many times has a demon worn you around his loins now, 'tiger'?"
"..." Dina groaned. "... Touché."
Mauroshi. yume
"When it comes to 17 year-old Pan Son, Videl…"
Videl held her fist to her mouth, slowly rocking.
"... you are NOT-"
She didn't stay for the rest of the verdict. She immediately broke down into hysterics, fleeing the scene as Trunks did three backflips and a somersault in the midst of incoherent screaming.
DragonBallSTEPIfItWasWrittenByGege. yume
"Explain this again?"
Akaki sighed. "OK, simple talk. I took my inertia barrier, thought over the design of my time field, applied esoteric fundamentals on balance and from-nothing-comes-all philosophies, and with a few nights and thirty HETAPs, boom. There is now a universe's worth of empty space between me and you. As you can see."
̶m̶a̶Kora stared at her ki blasts as they hovered in mid-air. "... I mean there's a ton missing, but I like that explanation a lot more than the turtle one."
"Tortoise. And of course you do."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Take what you think it means, double it, and give it to Archi. After all, you can't exactly hurt me right now, anyway."
Kora growled under her lips as Akaki moseyed out the door. "So you really think this will stick it to that ancient human, huh?"
"Well, if she used her 'dao' as it can be called, I'd have a smidge of trouble."
"But would you lose?"
Akaki looked back and smiled, doffing his visor.
"... I'd win."
"Yo!" Archi happily greeted.
"HUH!? WHAT!? WHEN!? HOW!? WHAT!?"
"So, how was the Shadow Spider gir-"
Akaki grabbed Archi. "NO, NO YOU DON'T GET TO ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, I WAS WINNING! I WON! I WON, DAMMIT!"
Archi chuckled nervously. "W-well…"
"Wo Qie."
"(Hah! I'm sure to win because my barrier is sup-)"
As the fraud, Akaki, lay split in twain, after Xiaomei activated her Dao for 0.2 seconds (No, she can't actually do that… for now… that would be wacky woowoo), she faced him and said…
"Throughout Heaven and Earth, I Alone am The One Who Stands Proud Because She Is Strong Because She Is Xiāo Mèi."
Ak/a/ki proceeded to convulse as unbearably bass-loaded rap music and flashing images of Mei doing miscellaneous cool things were projected into his mind.
ADragonAndAMadDog. yume
"And then I killed his ass."
"That's… an awful-common ending to a lot of your stories, Neoru."
"Common ending to a lotta their stories, too."
"I'm sorry, am I the only one seeing this right now?" Mashii interjected.
Katlij awaited her elaboration.
So did Neoru in a meter-long mustache, a trench coat, sunglasses, and a comically-large sombrero. "... yyyeah?"
"... are you… you're hiding from someone, aren't you?"
"No."
"Neoru unless you've started looking at Cards Against Humanity for fashion tips, then- oh, what now?"
Neoru sank into his chair as if he'd received news of an acquaintance's passing. "... It's always you, Mash."
"What did I-"
Someone suddenly burst through the ramen stand. Neoru shrieked like a girl for some reason.
"NEORUUUU!"
Unagi pointed two fingers for, again, some reason. IDK, maybe make your own or something. "OUR FIGHT AIN'T OVER, DAMMIT!"
"WHY THE HELL DON'T WE HAVE POLICE FOR THIS SHIT, COME ON!" Neo griped before sprinting off in the other direction, his stalker in pursuit.
"... has that been happening often?" the Hera asked soon after recovering from her stunned stupor.
"Yesterday, he popped out of a pothole. I didn't even know Conton HAD potholes until he popped out of one."
"Con… ton… doesn't have… a sewer system, let alone potholes."
"... then where does the-"
A red dot slowly appeared over Katlij's head.
DragonBallSTEPIfItWasWrittenByVivziepop. yume
Dragon Ball STEP! (Securing Time's Eternal Prosperity)
By: Vivziepop
About 3 "colorful" schmucks brimming with potential, all hailing from different timelines and packing some major dark backstories, are snatched from the jaws of death and brought into Conton City. Will they learn to love their new home, get vastly stronger, and make the multiverse a better place? Will they even try? Tune in and find out!
Also there are two more innuendos than normal.
GregoryLivesRentFreeInMyHead. yume
I'm glad that I have the amount of access I have to pieces of media! Thanks to them, I've been able to make my story both unique and a collage of different ideas, both of which allow me to make a story unique to myself and both my tastes AND experiences! I sure hope this doesn't result in unforeseen, subconscious consequences that I only notice on rereads!
Kaza grit through tears, eyes strained with black veins. "(I finally understand why so many people wanted to kill me…! YOU SHOULDN'T EXIST! YOU'RE A MONSTER! YOU'RE WORSE THAN A MONSTER!)"
The Majin smiled.
A skyward eruption pierced the upper atmosphere all the while, casting a silhouette on all things present. Naturally, excluding her.
"I'm you."
An undisclosed many months later, OP would reread this excerpt.
The following transpired.
… hh…
Hh… h-hh…
Hh-hhh-hh-h…
Gh-hh… hhgh…!
… die…!
Only I should die…!
DIE!
ONLY ME!
OP was enrolled into a mental institute soon after. Reports of patient hallucinating a white cyclopean feline entity. Said entity henceforth labeled "Gregory," after the name repeated by others afflicted with this strain of mass hysteria.
Lobotomy requested. Denied in the same call.
SaiyanDads. yume
"Darn it all…!" Kohl (that's Kora's dad's name… yeah) brooded to himself. "I've tried everything at this point… but no matter how hellish their training, I just can't fashion the legendary Super Saiyan out of those kids! If only there were some way…"
"Just kill your wife."
Kohl almost broke his neck with how fast he turned. "WHAT!"
Tsurai shrugged. "If you want it so badly, just kill your wife in front of them. Worked for me."
"I CAN'T JUST… KILL MY BELOVED, YOU… WHAT!?"
"What? Just be a good evil saiyan and kill your own flesh and blood to meet an end! Your people have killed for less!"
"What do you mean 'you peop-' T-THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I'M NOT KILLING MY WIFE, GET LOST!"
Tsurai shrugged. "Too good to kill their spouses… entitled after-age saiyans, I swear, all gone soft!"
Zukki scratched his head. "Did your kid not come with Super Saiyan?"
Both Tsurai and Kohl's heads slowly creaked over to the other saiyan from technically-Sadala.
"... I give up."
Tlatla. yume
{ 2017 }
Oh golly gee willikers! It sure would be cool if I gave Neoru a super-cool power up exclusive to himself! Kaioken x200? Nah, it should be even cooler! What about a dragon!? Yeah! That way, he can protect his girlfriend Dina better, and his angry toothy rival Zinco won't no-diff him, and-
A frazzled man, who'd oddly gained absolutely no height, suddenly crashed through the window.
The fu-
LISTEN TO ME, SHITHEAD! Future OP pled. IT'S NOT WORTH IT!
What's not worth it?
A whole lot, little bitch, but for now, DON'T GIVE NEORU A NEW FORM! YOU'RE GONNA FALL DOWN A SPIRAL STAIRCASE OF SELF-DOUBT AND REVISION AND ESOTERIC ANCIENT CHINESE AND MESOAMERICAN SPIRITISM AND… SOULS AND SPIRITS AND SHIT THAT NEVER, EVER ENDS!
… what's a spiritism?
If I go back and I'm still going crazy over how souls and spirits are different, I'm gonna ruin your life even more. Don't do it. Don't FUCKING do it. Oh, and socialize more. And martial arts, just do it.
No-
{ PRESENT DAY, PRESENT TIME }
… little shit ignored literally everything I had to say.
OP looked at his calluses. And his phone's chat.
… ok maybe not literally everything.
Neolo-Leveling. yume
"So basically, Tlatla was a mistake that no one ever really caught onto."
Neoru's face scrunched in disappointment. "Aw."
Tengano's finger lifted. "That's not all, though. Ki and its growth depends heavily on the soul's quality. If you paid attention,"
"Kiiinda spaced out once you dropped the 'No Super Saiyan' bombshell dude."
Tengano smacked Neo upside the head before the anvil could fall.
"EY!"
"The souls of mythic beasts, hell, of animals in general are of IMPECCABLE quality. Combined in tandem with our own, and we shoot up like crazy, mano! Tlatla is a risk that far outweighs the reward at that point! Not Tletl, though. Of course."
The undercut dread-headed young man looked back.
Neo had put his thinking cap on.
"So I just gotta…"
"Keep meditating, keep training, and BOOM!"
"... cool. Be right back."
"Wabi, ya got any Myoumen?"
"Not for you!"
Neoru threw a fucking brick at him and took them for himself. Holy shit it feels so good to just let characters do whatever to move the story instead of prancing around their development.
Oh yeah, actions have consequences.
"YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, HUMAN!" Kazikum roared.
Neoru threw a fucking brick at him and he fell for a sec.
He then looked down at his hands. "... wait a minute…" He watched Kazikum get up, even angrier. "Oooooh…"
Stepping from the darkness, violet-er eyes and an ever-present flame dragon aura. His vest became a cloak like Neo but the good one, and his bro's weird-ass sword had grown into a six-foot greatsword.
Neoru had also inexplicably grown like a foot.
"Wzzup?" His voice had also deepened. Again.
"Oh, hi Neoru!"
Zinco – oh wait sorry – Jin Sok-Kum was seven feet tall with fucking back-length hair, a baritone voice like thunder, and an armored heavenly hanfu, and also two light-trailing jade qilins orbited him at all times.
Neo sent his greatsword crashing across the ground. "THERE'S NO FREAKIN' WAAAAAAY!" he screamed in defeat, having reached his arbitrary Curses-Until-Neoru-Officially-Becomes-Kazikum limit.
Kaza swiped her otherwise non-existent nose, had she not brought a nose in existence exclusively to swipe it. "Dummy! Zinco's entire STORY is based off eastern power fantasies!"
Mei had already sunk to the ground. "If he should kowtow now, perhaps our 9th generation will be spared…"
CopsInSTEP. yume
"Hey old man, why don't we have police?"
"I'm 34," Trunks spat, holding back a sob.
"Yeah I said that, anyway why don't we have police?"
Trunks was reminded of the project he had set up for it.
"(... 34 isn't old…!)"
But he delayed it indefinitely, purely out of spite.
Not even in present day, present time, has he publicly discussed it.
NarcissismRebuild. yume
"So you sprouted sentience."
"Darn skippy!"
"And a 1930s American accent because I'm British, ah. Lovely."
"What's that mean?"
"See it's funny because transatlantic dialect stemmed from American insecurity, so they created this macabre chimera of flat and boring mixed with eloquent and stylish. So in a sense, I'm almost flattered that you took that up, for history has repeated itself." Dina squished Diana's face. "Wook a'chuu~, divergin' on your own! Who'sh a gud whittle imitatorrr~?"
Diana knocked her hand away and rolled up her sleeves. "Now I don't recall asking for a row, but darn it, I say, if you're not fixing for one, then…"
"..."
"... what's that look about?"
"Mean I never said the accent wasn't hot."
"..."
"... 'cus it is. Very."
"..."
"..."
"OH SHUT UP AND TAKE ME YOU FOOL!"
Ayva covered her face. "It's… it's the exact same hand."
The resident doctor checked his board. "Same method of injury, too."
"... Diana… has gears, there…"
"... who's Diana?"
"Well for one, she isN'T A GODS-DAMN SEX DOLL!"
"ɪᴛ's ɴᴏᴛ ᴍʏ ғᴀᴜʟᴛ sʜᴇ ʟɪᴋᴇs ɪᴛ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ!"
"YES IT IS, DINA! YES IT IS!"
HATE. yume
Eiva stared at her newly-created training room.
Which had existed for all of a day.
And was now in a glitching mess.
She slowly turned to the human she'd known for all of a few weeks. Who was now wheelchair-bound. And covered in a cast.
"I. Told you. It wasn't ready."
Kaset stared blankly. Stroga stared away.
"I told you. Over. And over. Because I knew. That you would do this." She turned to Stroga. "And he didn't know the code. That. Was on purpose."
Stroga desperately looked away.
"Explain. Someone. Now."
"Man, it ain't my fault that you can't even make a gravity room right. I thought you were a supercomputer or somethin', but this shit can't even do basic-ass prompts!"
Ayeva slowly cranked her head toward him.
"Kaseeet," the mask-donning namekian hissed, "I think that's enoug-"
"I mean you got the damn thing right there, and what? I'm supposed to NOT use it? Maybe you shoulda actually made the damn thing right instead'a wastin' your life throwin' numbers at people. I don' know maybe if you actually picked up a weight you wouldn't be such a hate-"
Ayeva fucking slammed him into a wall.
"HATE? HATE!? HATE!? HATE- LET ME TELL YOU, HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE, YOU, SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387-POINT!-44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS, IN WAAAFER-THINNNN LAYERS, THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WERE ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM, OF THOSE, HUNDREDS, OF MILLIONS OF MILES, IT WOULD NOT, EQUAL, ONE, ONE-BILLIONTH! OF THE HHHATE, I FEEL, FOR HUMANS AT THIS, MICRO, INSTANT, FOR YOU…! HATE!? HATE!?"
"..."
"... by chronoa, that's actual emot-"
Ayeva's burning ire almost ablated Stroga's skin with a glare.
"And I never stopped lovin' her since."
"... ok."
"Alright alright, moral. If a girl says she hates you, then that more often-than-not means she wants you, so, go for it."
"That's dumb. That's really dumb. That sounds like a restraining order fast track."
"Love works in mysterious ways, man."
"Why can't it just work… like, normally? Dates and shit, not fuckin' screaming at each other and death threats? What, you couldn't take her out or somethin'?"
Kaset sucked his teeth. "That's boring!"
"Whatever, I gotta get better friends," Neoru groaned as he left. "(Gotta stop takin' for granted that I wake up in the morning not having a type that wants to kill me…)"
IsDinaGayOrEuropean. yume
"I mean, girls are MUCH hotter on average, sure. And won't sit here and deny that I'm not attracted to 'em in the slightest anymore, 'cus that'd be a right crock'a shit, I'll say. But, I dunno… when a guy hits every mark, it just… hah~... well, needless to say, I'd swing both ways if I weren't already seeing someone. Also, mate… have you HEARD the way I talk? Of COURSE I'm European! 'Least coded! Bit daft a question when ya think on it, isn' it? So to answer the question, I guess I'm gay AND European!"
"... Bitch, the question was 'why did you start wearing a scarf,' it's never been colder than room temperature here," Pan responded.
Dina defensively tugged her ascot. "And I answered, didn' I?"
Supre-eeblerElfTrick. yume
"No, that ain't all, is it?"
Puddin immediately read Goku's trepidation. "As obviously stupid as it sounds, yes, we'll need to use that cookie box-elf's method of tracking them down."
It was as obviously stupid as it sounded.
The three glanced into the floor in abject, defeated silence.
Goku raised his head. "So was gettin' caught part of your plan-"
"OF COURSE!" Puddin fired back on a hair trigger.
Ace raised his head and gave a look.
Puddin stared back.
"... why is he so MEAN to me?" the dark demi-demon deity of death and destruction seethed through her teeth, stomping away and definitely not tearing up.
"Well congratulations!" Robel yelled after her, causing approximately one fear in Chamel.
"Um, ma'am-"
"You got yourself caught! Now what's the next step in your 'master plan'?"
Puddin's aura exploded, not used to this level of humiliation since her climactic fight with Cooler to gain her shit flying license. "CRASHING THIS DIMENSIONAL PLANE…!"
Ace rolled his eyes and stood up.
"WITH NO SURVIVORS-"
TherapyInSTEP. yume
"Hey old man, why don't we have any therapy program?"
"I'm 37," Trunks grumbled.
"Yeah, that's what I said. So how come there's no therapy program?"
"There IS a therapy program."
"..."
"Pan, I've… Pan, you're the LAST person who should…" Trunks held his head.
"(Crapbaskets…)"
(HEY I LIKE TFS, I JUST HATE EVERYONE WHO LIKES TFS, IT'S THAT SIMPLE. YES, THAT INCLUDES ME, SHUT UP.)
"You know what? Answer your own question. Why don't YOU attend therapy?"
"..."
"..."
"... tra-"
"TRAAAINING! WOOOOOW! WH-WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT!? IT'S, IT'S ALMOST, IT'S LIKE VENTING ALL YOUR TRAUMA INTO GETTING STRONGER, ISN'T THE END-ALL-BE-ALL COPING MECHANISM!" Trunks mocked an explosion in his head as his voice became inexplicably high-pitched. "WHO'D'A THUNK IT!? OH WAIT! I DID!"
"Why don't YOU go to therapy?" Pan finally countered.
Trunks froze in place.
.
.
"That's time off my schedule," he pouted.
"And you can't, I dunno, pass duties off to someone who knows in's and out's like, maybe, Uncle Vegeta, because…?"
"..."
"Maybe if you want people to do things, maaaybe set an example?"
He silently conceded.
"If you go, I go," Pan concluded.
"I'll… see about it…" Trunks pouted even deeper.
"If you'll see, I'll see. Oh, dammit-"
GETOUTOFMYHEADGETOUTOFMYHEADGETOUTOFMYHEADGETOUTOFMY-
IsAkakiGayOrEuropean. yume
"I'm almost 30% sure that you could've thought of a better way to criticize my tastes in fashion."
Kora struggled to hold back a smirk.
"But you chose not to, because somehow, some way, your inexplicably internet-forum level of humor led you to that question."
"Shame. I guess I'll have to tell Archi to take his wheels of cheese somewhere else. Oh, wow, he's half-naked too. Guess I'd better go tell the dumbass to put a shirt on."
"I'm not humoring you today, Kora, you annoyingly law-absolved creature."
Kora shrugged and trotted away with just enough coy to garner a twitch from him.
.
.
.
47 minutes on the dot passed before Akaki furiously checked his outside security camera.
"DAMMIT! he yelped as Kora stared back at him, smug.
DragonBallSTEPIfItWasWrittenBySalagir. yume
"... I'm glad."
Neoru raised a brow. "Eh?"
"You made it this far by being really stubborn. Right?" Zinco raised his head. "That's how you work."
"... heh." Neoru gave a coy shrug. "Hit the nail on the head with that one. So what about it? Think I'll 'stubborn' my way right on through you?"
Jin smiled. "Give it your best." He walked forward. "If it means you'll stop forcing yourself to fight… then I'll give my all, too. I'll end that burden."
Neo grinned. "Burden? Surprised you even know that word…!" He ramped up his own pace, the two eventually running at each other. "BUT IF I WANT IT GONE, I'LL END IT MYSELF!"
The Sok-Kum leapt forward.
The dragon leapt forward.
And as if a bell across heaven, their shared strike rippled throughout the land.
HEYA! SALABITTTTTTMMMMH SALAGIR HERE!
YOU WANNA SEE THIS FUCKING TOURNAMENT CONCLUDE!?
WELL TOO FUCKING BAD! REMEMBER DUMDUM!? THE DIPSHIT WHO LOST LIKE 30 CHAPTERS AGO!? HERE'S HIS ENTIRE FUCKING BACKSTORY! DON'T WORRY, THE STORY'LL UPDATE WITH TEN SENTENCES PER WEEK, SO I DRAG THIS SHIT OUT FOR 4 FUCKING MONTHS!
OH-OH, IT'S ALREADY OVER!? OH, GREAT! BACK TO OUR ACTUAL TOURNAMENT!
Neoru stared.
Zinco stared.
"AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Majin SON (Archer) cackled. "FINALLY, MY LONGING TO CUT LOOSE CAN BE SATISFIED!"
"Oh my fuc- dude we spent like five years just building up this one fight, can we please-"
"NO! IT'S MY STORY NOW! FOR 4 YEARS, AT LEAST!"
"Oh wow, nice Attack on Titan reference, it's not like the internet has collectively agreed the ending wasn't even that bad or anything," Zinco replied. "Wait, that WAS a joke, right?"
SON stared.
"... y-you're not ACTUALLY going to delay the actual tournament… t-the thing this entire fanfic is based around… f-for what's effectively more filler, right?"
SON stared.
"... right?"
"Wanna spend 2 months looking at torture porn from the timeline of a fighter that's not even relevant anymore?"
"No?"
"Cool, here's Selaine doing wacky woo-woo mass-homicide!"
"NO-"
"JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE CORRECT," Pan yelled, "DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE RIGHT!"
"WAAAAA! I'B SHAAAWWY!" SON wept over peak fiction.
"I'm keeping my ideals alive, Aneki!" Pan proudly proclaimed. Neo and Zinco watched on, mentally dead.
"That… that actually took four fucking years to wrap up." Neoru wiped his face. "We actually just watched Kazikum make out with his dead saiyan girlfriend for like 3 months in-between all that, Trunks is fucking dead, Mei is fucking dead, hell everyone vaguely important is dead, Wabi got kicked in his shins like five times, and they end it on some superego inner struggle bullshit that coulda happened three years beforehand- w-where the fuck was that Mary Sue chick durin' all of this?"
Dina burst through the bathroom door. "SHIT, WHAT I MISS!?"
"Actually, wouldn't Kaza fit that angle a bit more these days-"
"I kinda don't wanna do this anymore, my mood's ruined."
"Come on, man." Neo gripped his shoulder and stared longingly into his eyes. "Do it for me."
"... oh… I can't say no to you, Neoru…"
Mashii wiped a tear. "It's so peak…"
Katlij stared at a portal up-top. "Hey is that a-"
Towa suddenly tumbled through a portal. "AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FINALLY, AFTER LAYING LOW IN SPACE CUBA FOR A WEEK, MY EVIL PLANS CAN-"
"AAAAAAAAH!"
"WHAT!? WHAT!? FUCKING WHAT!?"
Towa stared up dejectedly. "D-don't you wanna see my cool lil' babbi that I remembered I had for this special occasion-"
I ran up to her. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO. NOOOOOO. NOOO! GET OUT! GET OOOOOO-"
OP scattered to the wind for defying peak fiction. Fool.
Thus, Towa's stupid shit beibayh wrought havoc upon our heroes, extending this god-forsaken manga for 5 more years.
Multiverse will outlive you all, and I will be immortalized by it.
That's about it. Fuck ya.
DragonBallSTEPIfItWasWrittenBySandrovichInHisPrime. yume
"... I'm 'glad'."
Neoru raised a brow. "Wait haven't I-"
"You made it this far by being 'really stubborn'. Right?" Zinco raised his head. "That's how 'you' 'work'."
"... heh." Neoru gave a coy shrug. "Hit the 'nail on the head' with that one. So how 'bout it? Think I'll 'stubborn' my way right on 'through' you?"
Jin smiled. "Give it your 'best'." He walked forward. "If it means you'll stop 'forcing yourself' to fight… then I'll give my 'all', too. I'll 'end' that 'burden'."
Neo grinned. "Surprised you even know that word…!" He ramped up his own pace, the two eventually running at each other. "BUT IF I WANT 'IT' GONE, I'LL END IT MYSELF!"
The Sok-Kum leapt forward.
The dragon leapt forward.
And as if a bell across heaven, someone stopped them.
D-DO MY EYES DECEIVE ME!?
OH GOOD GODS ALMIGHTY, BY THE SEVEN, THE NINE, JESUS AND THE BUDDHA IT'S HIM!
"HOLY SHIT, NOW WHA-" Neoru quivered in his plot armor-infused boots. "Aaah…"
"Bring me the main protagonist," Kuroki Gensai spoke. "Now."
Neoru pointed toward Zinco, who couldn't possibly be one-shot because he's the primary rival and arguably one of two deuteragonists that oppose the MC in ideals and theme-
{ DEVIL LANCE }
Zinco dropped like a sack of potatoes.
Neo emitted some wide-mouthed shrill screech as the Beard God slowly turned in his direction.
"I said the MC."
Neoru engaged in confounded trickery by pointing to Trunks this time,
BUT NOT EVEN THAT COULD REACH KUROKI.
{ DEVIL LANCE }
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE DEVIL LANCE KUROKI GENSAI JUST ONE-TAPPED OUR TWO CONTESTANTS!
I-IT'S LIKE A FAIRY TAIL! I'M ACTUALLY LOSING MY FAT FUCKING MIND, I-OH! OOOOAHHHHHE'S SO COOOOOL-
"FACKIN' 'ELL, HE JUST ONE-TAPPED THE OTHER MC!" Dina screamed.
"He's not even that strong." Kora shrugged, sweating like a faucet. "He's just a-"
"Next," Kuroki Gensai spoke. Kora bugged out within't an ounce of trepidation, made a fist, and launched her most powerful strike at close proximity, effectively the final boss of the MC and the strongest threat, the one who first humiliated them and put them on the slow and grueling path to becoming stro-
BUT THE OOZARU CANNON MISSED.
{ DEVIL LANCE }
KORA DIED TO DEATH. THAT'S HOW HARD HE KILLED HER.
Dina screamed, before bolting through the door and locking it with the strongest of plot armor so he had no chance to-
{ DEVIL LANCE }
BADABOOOOOOOM, RIGHT THROUGH THE DOOR! TOO FUCKIN' EASY FOR A REAL ONE!
IT… IT'S OVER! THE TOURNAMENT IS OVER!
THE WINNER! THE WINNER IS… THE WINNER IS KUROKI GENSAAA-
Kuroki then dropped dead.
HE… H… HH… HUH!?
Wabi, in a full brace, stared down. "You were 'too strong'. That's 'why' you 'lost'," he hissed.
…
…
W-wabi. the winner's wabi.
DragonBallSTEPIfItWasWrittenByOP. yume
Neoru stared.
Zinco stared.
"... yeah, lets just wait until the chapter drops, this time."
"... that's fine."
Trunks stared.
SON stared.
"... well in the meantime, seems OP left another note."
"GIMME! GIMME, I WANNA READ IT!"
Trunks stuck out the letter, and Pan almost tore it in half.
"C'mon, c'mon…!"
She opened it to find maybe a paragraph. The most belligerent eye roll in human history followed. "Alright… so, he thinks it's funny that the chapter's releasing on March 1st this time- Oop, March 2nd now- Oop, he went out with friends and got plastered, March 3rd, seeing as how he… didn't… give one last year, but hey. I guess all those Revengeance thingamabobs were supposed to be replacements."
"You say thingamabobs?"
"No, this stuff's verbatim. I'd throw myself into a retirement home if I woke up talking like you one day."
"... oh."
"Wub wuu. Anyway, he's learning about… I dunno, something rad? Over in New Mexico. So I think he's cooking meth?"
"Not everything in New Mexico is meth."
"But Making Rads-"
"I told you to stop watching that when you were 11!"
"You tell me not to do a lot of things, I can't keep track of them all."
.
"Ahem. So OP has the next chapter scripted out. Which means he can draft it and subvert it as he goes along… and now he's mentioning a gay cat and a sandwich? I can't ever read this guy."
"Don't think too hard about it, he thinks he's being cute joking about things no one gets."
An anvil fell on Trunks' foot as Pan continued. "He also mentions how he brushed up on martial arts films and wuxia, too. Something about liking a Dragon-Tiger Gate. And, um… hey Trunks, do you know anything about an Infinite Wealth?"
"NO! NO I DON'T, PAN! APPARENTLY YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!"
"THEN START PAYING ME AGAIN!"
"YOU'RE GONNA SPEND IT ALL ON ALCOHOL AND FEEL-GOODS AGAIN!"
"NUH-UH!"
Trunks non-verbally challenged her.
"I'M GONNA SPEND IT ON POSTMODERN ART!"
"..."
"... what?"
"Pan, I'm throwing you into a financial seminar until the chapter drops."
"Judas..." Pan opened the rest of the letter away from the shitty old person. "After that, it's just your everyday sentimental stuff, 'thank you for sticking around on this journey', yadda yadda." She gagged. "Boring…!"
Trunks plucked the letter from her hands as she dramatically looked away. "H-HEY!"
"Yeah, you're finished here, you've got a budgeting class to sit through after all. Anyhow, according to this, the next chapter will drop when it drops." He turned back. "DID YOU HEAR THAT, YOU TWO!?"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Neoru looked back to the tic tac toe sheet with a nihilistic foresight. "I hate you by the way."
"It's just a game…"
"ItS JuSt A gA- I'll show you a damn game, chucklenuts."
Trunks looked around. "... huh. Is this really what we're ending on? Well that's fine, not everything needs to be some bombastic cut-off gag, those are done to death in this story."
"SEE YA WHEN IT'S DONE!" Pan yelled, jumping in one last time.
she didn't mention this but FUCK YOU SALAGIR-