The Most Serious War Council Ever (Really)

The hunting lodge's main hall, normally a place of austere tactical planning, had somehow acquired a "Live, Laugh, WAAAGH!" poster, which Alith Anar blamed entirely on Wulfhart's "cultural appreciation."

Tyrion, Defender of Ulthuan, paced the room, his legendary sword Sunfang occasionally catching the light. "So, you're telling me that while we've spent millennia trying to defeat Naggaroth through military might, the most effective strategy turned out to be..."

"A bear running a coffee shop," Teclis finished, adjusting his glasses as he reviewed the reports. "Fascinating. The arcane implications of a bear understanding proper coffee brewing temperatures alone—"

"Focus, brother," Tyrion sighed, though he couldn't help eyeing the coffee cup on the table labeled 'Barry's Special Blend: Now with 100% Less Evil!'

Alarielle the Everqueen sat gracefully in a chair, trying not to look amused and failing spectacularly. "I particularly enjoyed the part about their city council meetings. Apparently, they solve disputes through what they call 'civilized shouting contests.'"

"The Skaven representative always wins-wins," Alith Anar added, then caught himself using Skaven speech patterns. "I mean... wins. I've been spending too much time there observing."

"Purely for tactical reasons, of course," Wulfhart commented, sipping from a souvenir mug that read 'I Helped Liberate a Dark Elf City and All I Got Was This Amazing Coffee.'

Teclis lifted a piece of parchment. "Their economic reports are actually impressive. They've created a stable currency based on... hat futures?"

"The goblin's idea," Alith Anar explained. "Never underestimate a goblin's understanding of hat economics."

"But what truly concerns me," Tyrion tried to steer the conversation back to strategy, "is how this affects our long-term..." He trailed off as a messenger arrived with fresh pastries. "Are these from—?"

"Barry's Bakery, yes," Wulfhart confirmed. "The bear's branching out."

Alarielle picked up one of the reports. "According to this, three Dark Elf noble houses have already defected. Not for political reasons, mind you, but because they're offering competitive health benefits and casual Fridays."

"The Witch King must be furious," Tyrion mused, then paused. "Is that... is that Settra in these reconnaissance pictures?"

Alith Anar nodded gravely. "He claims he's 'gathering intelligence,' but he's been reviewed as their most enthusiastic regular customer. Apparently, he's started a book club."

Teclis nearly dropped his staff. "A what?"

"They're currently reading 'How to Make Friends and Influence People Without Raising Them From the Dead,'" Wulfhart explained. "Barry picked it."

"The bear is literate?" Alarielle asked.

"And multilingual," Alith Anar added. "Don't ask me how. Some questions are best left unanswered."

Tyrion tried once more to focus the meeting. "But surely we can use this disruption to—"

"Oh!" Alarielle interrupted, reading another report. "They're starting a weekend market! Look, there's even a coupon."

"The market's quite good," Wulfhart said. "The Skaven run a surprisingly legitimate banking system, the Orcs have an organic produce stand, and the goblin's hat emporium is doing excellent business."

Teclis was frantically taking notes. "The implications for cross-cultural sociological studies alone..."

"We're supposed to be planning the downfall of Naggaroth," Tyrion reminded everyone, though he was now holding a market coupon.

"Oh, that's happening on its own," Alith Anar waved dismissively. "Did you know they're offering Dark Elf refugees free rehabilitation programs? Including mandatory friendship workshops and something called 'Smile Therapy'?"

"Malekith's worst nightmare," Alarielle smiled. "Death by positive corporate culture."

"They're also starting a university," Wulfhart added. "Barry's teaching a class on investment banking."

Tyrion finally gave up. "How is the coffee?"

"Life-changing," all the others replied in unison.

"Perhaps," Teclis suggested, adjusting his glasses again, "we should conduct a thorough investigation of this settlement. Purely for strategic purposes, of course."

"Of course," Tyrion agreed too quickly. "We should probably try this coffee. For intelligence gathering."

"And the pastries," Alarielle added. "We can't properly assess the situation without sampling the pastries."

"I'll have them prepare the VIP tour," Alith Anar said, already writing a message. "Barry does an excellent presentation on sustainable urban development."

As they began planning their "tactical reconnaissance visit," a final messenger arrived with breaking news: New No-Dance City had just opened a spa.

"A spa?" Tyrion asked weakly.

"Run by reformed Witch Elves," Wulfhart confirmed. "Apparently, they're much better at relaxation techniques than torture once you show them the benefits package."

Teclis was already packing his bags. "This requires immediate scholarly attention."

"Indeed," Alarielle agreed, reading the spa menu. "Purely for diplomatic reasons, of course."

"Of course," they all agreed, fooling no one.

Somewhere in the distance, they could have sworn they heard Malekith screaming.