Everything about me is fake. An illusion. A mask. I had spent quite some time fighting and struggling to pull together a mask that fit. that let me pass, more or less, undisturbed through the world as I was. It is vital that I keep my mask up at all times.

So why did I want to drop it around her?

The her in question being Debra. My foster sister. she loved me for some reason that was well beyond my understanding. How someone so real, so flesh and blood, so human could love me was a riddle I couldn't answer.

If I could feel guilt, I'd feel it about lying to her. I lied to her every day. if not by my words by not telling her who I was by misleading her like she was the rest of society. but she wasn't. She was my sister. She deserved better.

I couldn't tell her. She'd never be able to accept me. The knowledge of who I was would break her, perhaps irrevocably. Harry was very clear on that. I didn't want to hurt her. Debra, Harry's daughter, was somehow a vital part of the world, a vital part of my world. Most things could fall away. School. Work. My so-called friends and colleagues. My girlfriend's.

Deb, I couldn't lose so easily. I knew it would hurt me somehow. I didn't know why. it wasn't supposed to. I'm a psychopath. I shouldn't feel at all.

I tried my best to connect with Deb in ways that wouldn't expose me. it was difficult. The areas of my real personality that were acceptable to share were...blurry. I certainly couldn't let slip how into murder and serial killers I was. That would be...suspicious. Horror movies were OK. True crime stuff to an extent. We both shared an appreciation for mysteries. Probably for different reasons.

I felt oddly stressed about this. I didn't want this state of affairs to continue interminably. Me lying, Deb believing but knowing somewhere something was missing. A connection she couldn't make. When I thought about it too much it made the buzzing in my head grow. Drove me back to the Need, the one thing I knew for certain could remedy my stress.

One day I actually spoke the words aloud. Such was my desperation.

"Dad, I don't like lying to Deb." We were preparing to go on a hunting trip. We had gone fairly recently, so while the Need was strong it wasn't near as bad as it could get and usually was these days by the time our hunting trip rolled around.

I could think a little.

"I don't like lying to her either son." Harry said. "But some lies are to protect people. Protect yourself. Protect her. They are necessary."

"Yeah but so what if she knows how much I...need hunting trips. I haven't killed anyone yet. And if Deb knew she could come along." I sounded childlike even to my own ears. I didn't know why I wanted this, I was always more comfortable on my own. Why would I want another person on my hunting trips?

I surprised myself all the time.

Harry gave me a look. worried, I thought, but also caring. Maybe a little proud?

"Dexter, she can never come along and she can never know about your urges." Harry said.

"Why not? We can just say it's about animals. We don't have to tell her about the code or anything." I said.

"One door will lead her to another. Soon, she'll know that you want to kill people too, that you are...more different than she realizes. That you don't feel things like she does. that you don't...love her like she loves you." Harry said.

Harry never talked about my lack of emotions for my family. it was an elephant in the room that we had silently agreed on ignoring. my persistence in wanting Deb to be let in had forced him to acknowledge it.

It hurt me in a way words almost never did.

Looking at Harry it was clear that it had hurt him too. I felt broken and wrong in a way that made my normal emptiness feel like a comforting, cool oasis.

"I'm sorry son." Harry said.

"...I care about her." I said. It didn't seem possible. But I had to believe it was true. In some sense anyway.

"In your own way, you do. but not like a normal brother does. She'll see that and...it will destroy her son." Harry said. He said it with compassion but firmly. There was no arguing. As well as argue against the voice of god.

"I just wanted to help her out. She seems...lonely." I said. I knew what it was like to feel alone. even when surrounded by people. Even people I loved. Cared for. Appreciated. Whatever I did for my family.

It...wasn't a good feeling.

"I know son. You want to do good. Even with the darkness inside you. Even with how different you are. That...makes me so proud. But I have to protect the two of you you understand? and doing that means making difficult choices. choices that hurt all of us. Sometimes, there is no perfect, there's just good enough." Harry said. There were tears in his eyes. Harry didn't cry often. Sometimes, when dogs died in movies or when children were in danger.

"...Dad?" I was confused. if the buzzing in my head were any worse, I wouldn't have said anything, but it wasn't, and we had just had that open talk. I reached out.

"It's nothing it's just...your mother has a doctor's appointment and I'm a bit nervous is all. Everything will be fine." Harry said his eyes were still watery, and he looked like he was carrying the world on his shoulders.

I felt a strange sensation at the words- a cold chill. Sometimes, that meant excitement. Now it felt...bad. Like loneliness or pain. or worry. Or how I imagined they must feel.

"Are you sure your ok for this? I can wait another week. my...Need isn't that bad." I said. Even saying it took a lot. I loved the hunt and the kill, and now my expectations were set and the ritual started. It felt wrong to interrupt it.

Harry was my father. He was in pain. I could deal. Even if a canceled hunt would probably make that tension, that awful buzzing in my head grow worse.

"No son. We should go. we shouldn't always wait until it's so bad and...you never know what can happen it might...be a while before we can go again." Harry said. That bad chill again.

I was going to ask what he meant by that but my instincts told me that was a bad idea. Maybe he just meant cop stuff. That happened often enough to delay us.

I didn't entirely convince myself, though.

"Let's go son. We've gotta get back in time for dinner." Harry said. He smiled.

it was a false one. didn't reach his eyes.

He was wearing a mask. Just like me.