Mike stared out over the city from where he was sitting on one of the sun chairs on Harvey's balcony. He had been there for about an hour now and it was getting a bit chilly. He should get inside and maybe join Harvey in his room. He had slept for a long time that morning, Harvey hadn't woken him.
When he got out into the living room Harvey was sitting at the kitchen table in front of his laptop.
"You are finally up!" He exclaimed as he saw Mike. "Take your meds right away, you are late with them."
"Why didn't you wake me then?" Mike asked and reached for a glass by the kitchen island. "Why aren't we at work?"
"I thought you needed a day off." Harvey simply said and turned back to the screen.
Mike chose not to say anything about it. He had breakfast in silence and then went out on the balcony. It was quite nice to just relax for a bit. Maybe Harvey had been right, and he really had needed a day off. Yesterday had been hard.
He didn't enjoy thinking about it, he felt a little embarrassed, but tried not to be. Him and Harvey had had a nice conversation after though. If something like that happened again, if he made any mistakes again, he needed to deal with it better. He needed to tell Harvey, and he needed to not take it so seriously. Everyone made mistakes, and he knew that he was going to make more of them. It was just life. What mattered were how you dealt with it.
Mike had failed yesterday, but it didn't mean that he would do it tomorrow. Harvey was a great support as always. Mike smiled to himself as he thought of last night. He actually felt hos his eye teared up a bit. He didn't let the tears fall though, there wasn't any need for that.
He was about to finish his treatment. It was amazing to think about. It was just a few more months and then it was over. He had a bunch of hospital visits left of course, and he would always be a patient, regular check-ups would always be a part of his life, but he could live with that.
He would live.
It was still a bit hard to take in. Soon he would be able to start a new chapter of his life. Soon he would have to start to think about what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. He had gotten the change to start again.
There had been times when he had been sure that the cancer would kill him. There had been times when he didn't have any hope. There had been times when he had wanted everything to end. He had felt desperate, scared and alone. He had felt hopeless. Sometimes it was hard to take it in that things were going to work out for him. That there was hope now.
"Hey!" Harvey's voice startled him, and he jerked a bit. "How long are you going to sit there? I'm hungry. Do you want to go somewhere for lunch?"
Mike smiled at him and stiffly got up from the chair.
"Where are we going then?" He asked. "And you are paying right?"
Harvey shook his head at him, and when Mike pushed himself past him the older man pushed his hat down over his eyes.
They went to a small Italian restaurant close to Harvey's place. Mike didn't have to pay.
A few weeks passed. Harvey and Mike started to work on a new case.
"We'll do it together." Harvey had said, and they did. Mike worked from Harvey's office, and he could tell that Harvey made an effort to share all the information and decisions with him. He got to join in on all the meetings with the client and the opposing side. It felt good to be included in a different way then before. He brought it up with Harvey on night, and the other man told him that he thought that Mike was ready for it.
"I can see the effort you are putting into the work, and I can see that you know you limits as well, kid. Like the other day when you told me that you needed a break. That showed me that you are getting it. I'm proud of you"
"Thanks Harvey." Mike said and patted Harvey's shoulder a bit. He felt his face go a bit warm.
"Yeah, well. Go to bed. You look tired." Harvey said.
Mike rolled his eyes and leaned back on the couch; Harvey really had a way of ruin a moment sometimes. He went to bed though.
As he was laying there trying to fall asleep, he remembered a time when this time of the day had been something he really dreaded. How scared and alone he had felt so often. How he had wanted company. Now he felt so much better. It was almost strange.
Lately a thought had started to grow inside him. He hadn't talked to Harvey about it yet, but he found that he kept thinking about it more and more. It was the thought of going back to his own apartment and to move out from Harvey's place.
Two days ago, he had spent some time looking for the keys to his apartment but hadn't been able to find them anywhere. He would need to ask Harvey about it.
He didn't know if he was ready for that though and he wondered what Harvey would say about it. He was too nervous about his reaction to bring it up yet. In a way he didn't want Harvey to agree. He didn't want Harvey to say that it was a good idea and lets do it tomorrow. He wasn't ready to hear that. At times he wanted Harvey to tell him he couldn't, that he needed to stay in the condo. It would feel to final if Harvey thought it, was a good idea. He would have to do it eventually though.
He tried now to imagine himself alone at his place, having dinner, going to bed. He found that he wouldn't mind that much. He knew that he could do it. He had spoken to a doctor about it and had gotten the okay. His heart was doing well, and the rest of him too. There wasn't any medical reason anymore for him to be needing someone with him.
His plan was to speak to Donna first. He wanted to see what she thought about it, and what she thought about Harvey's reaction.
He asked her the next day. He got an opportunity to be alone with her at lunch. Harvey and Louis were going out together, Louis had insisted for days, and Mike said that he wasn't that hungry and that paying for lunch at a fancy place like that would be a waste of money. Harvey bought that, but also made a remark about that Mike didn't want Louis to feed him again. He had just glared at Harvey and left the room. He heard how Harvey laughed at him.
Donna agreed right away to have lunch with him when he asked her. Somehow, she arranged for some salads for them, and they sat down in the break room.
Mike asked her then. She looked at him for a long time, before smiling at him.
"You think you are ready for that?" She kindly said.
"I do." Mike answered. "Or I think so at least. I want to give it a try. And I just want to know what you think Harvey is going to say about it."
She was quiet for a while before she answered.
"I think it will be hard for him, Mike. But he will support you, if that's something you want to do."
"You really think it will be hard for him? Why?"
"Because he will worry himself to death." She smiled.
"You really think so?" Mike put his fork down to take a sip of his juice.
"Of course he will. He won't say anything of course, and he will support you fully, but it will be hard for him Mike. At least until he gets use to the idea. You should go forward slowly."
Mike nodded and thought about what she had said.
"So, you think it will be hard for him?"
"Yes. Mike, Harvey has changed his whole life for you, to take care of you. You are the most important person in his life. Keeping you alive and well has been in main priority for a long time. He will worry. It will be hard. For both of you, I'm sure."
Mike nodded again and looked down at his plate. He looked up again when Donna placed her hand over his.
"But that shouldn't keep you from doing it." She said. "You need to move forward with your life, and if you feel like you are ready to live on your own again, Mike. You should do it."
"Yeah. Thank you, Donna. I have a lot to think about."
He turned his hand a little so that he could hold on to her hand. For a while they sat like that.
Mike waited another week before he brought anything up with Harvey. It was Saturday morning and Mike had decided the night before that as soon as he woke up, he would bring it up with Harvey. He had thought about it a lot before he fell asleep, and he had figured out a plan.
"Harvey?" Mike waited and listened, but didn't hear the other man replying. He walked out of his room as he called again. He didn't see the older man anywhere.
"What? What are you yelling about?" He heard Harvey's voice from the man's bedroom. Mike walked over there and found Harvey sitting in his bed and looking like he just had woken up. He had a wrinkle between his eyes that either were annoyance or worry.
"Were you sleeping?" Mike asked innocently and leaned against the doorframe.
Harvey glared at him and reached for his watch on the nightstand.
"It's 7:34 on a Saturday."
"Alright. Sorry then. I was just wondering if you know where the keys to my apartment are?"
"Why are you looking for those? Now?"
Mike shrugged. "I was just thinking about heading over there, to see if it's still standing."
"You worried it got torn down?"
Mike rolled his eyes. "No. So, you know where they are or not?"
"Probably on the shelf in your room. Or in your briefcase in your closet."
"I've already looked there."
"Then I can't help you. Go away now. I was sleeping."
Mike watched for a moment as Harvey laid down again and pulled the cover up so that Mike no longer could see him. He went back to look more thoroughly once again. They had to be somewhere in his room.
It took him an hour to finally find them. They were in a side pocket of a bag that he must have used to get clothes from his place to Harvey's. He had no memory of having put them there, but he thought that Donna once had helped him to get some winter clothes sometime after he moved in here. She must have left them there then.
For a while he ended up sitting on the bed with the keys in his hand, just staring at them, remembering things. How he had wondered if he would ever return to his own place again.
He was on the couch a few hours later when Harvey finally came out of his room and sat down in the chair in front of him. For a while they watched the TV in silence.
"Did you find them?" Harvey then asked.
"Yeah."
"Do you think it's a good idea to go there?"
"I just want to go and visit. Check it out."
"Okay." Harvey didn't look at him.
"Do you want to come with me?" Mike asked.
Harvey sighed. "Yeah, sure."
They went after lunch. Mike insisted that they take the subway and won after a short argument. Harvey even claimed it would be bad for his health. He also complained the entire way, so Mike agreed to take a cab back afterwards just to make him shut up.
It was strange to step into his apartment again after such a long time. It was cold and smelled a little weird, but it looked just like he remembered, maybe even a bit cleaner. When he checked the fridge, he saw that it was empty. Donna or Harvey must have cleaned it out so that it wouldn't smell. He had to stand there for a while as he thought about how close they had come to them having been forced to clean out the whole apartment. If he had died, they would have been the ones who would have done that.
"Do you really want to get back to this?"
Harvey asked as he came out from the bathroom with a sort of disgusted look on his face.
"It's not so bad." Mike said where he was standing with a hand on his bike.
"Well…" Harvey muttered something about a weird smell and having a dirty bike inside, while he straightened a frame on the wall that had tilted a bit. Mike grinned and went to lay on his bed, to try it out. His bed at Harvey's were more comfortable, maybe he could convince Harvey to bring it here.
"Are you ready to get back home then?"
Mike looked up at Harvey who was standing by the foot of the bed looking down at him.
"We just got here."
"You wanted to check if it was still standing. It is, so let's leave."
Mike sat up and met Harvey's eyes.
"Harvey. I was thinking about that maybe it's time soon for me to move back here."
Harvey just looked at him.
"I don't think that's a good idea." He just said. "Let's go."
He then turned around and started to walk towards the door. Mike sat there and looked after him. When he heard how the door opened, he slowly got off the bed and followed the other man. That hadn't gone so well. Donna had been right. Apparently, he would have to wait.
-SUITS-
"No, that's not what the contract said. On page 232 it clearly said that…"
"Okay, okay, okay." Harvey held up his hands just to get Mike to stop talking. "You were right!"
They were sitting by the table in Harvey's office, discussing their case.
"Yeah, I know I was right!" Mike shook his head a little and leaned over the documents again. Harvey looked at him where he was sitting, bent low over the table with a pen in his mouth and his eyes dancing back and forth over the paper.
"What?" Mike looked up at him.
"Nothing." Harvey shook his head.
"Do I have something in my face?" He drew a hand over his mouth. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I'm not looking at you."
"Yes, you were."
"Just… just keep working."
"I'm the only one working here." Mike smirked a little and then turned his attention back to the work.
Harvey smiled. He loved this. Sitting here together with the kid. He loved to see the confidence Mike had started to show. It was almost like before. If it wasn't for the hat Mike still was wearing all the time, you almost couldn't tell that he was sick. And sure, his suit still didn't fit him that well, they still hung too loose on him. But it wasn't something that anyone would notice. Mike was getting better.
He thought about this weekend. They had gone to Mike's old apartment. Mike was thinking about moving out. It had taken him totally by surprise. Sure, he had suspected that it had been on Mike's mind when the kid asked to go there, but he didn't like the idea of it at all. Things had been a bit tense between them for the rest of the weekend. He had thought that Mike would bring the subject up again, but he hadn't. Harvey himself had decided not to bring it up either. Just the thought of Mike moving out made him nervous.
Mike was doing a lot better. Even his doctors said that but moving out and living on his own without anyone there to help him if something where to happen, that felt like too soon. What if something happened to Mike and Harvey weren't around. He would never be able to forgive himself for that.
It had been a week and still Mike hadn't brought it up again. Maybe he had forgotten about it by now. Harvey was sitting in the living room one evening with his laptop when he heard Mike call for him from somewhere in the apartment.
"What?" He absentmindedly answered.
"Harvey, have you seen this?" Mike sounded excited as he came out of the bathroom. He had his hat in one hand.
"Seen what?" Harvey had no idea what he was talking about and raised an eyebrow. "In there?"
"What? No! This! My hair." Mike bent his head down to show Harvey his scalp.
Harvey looked at it. There wasn't much hair to talk about there, but you could definitely see that something was growing there.
"It's growing back!" Harvey exclaimed and got up from the couch.
"Yeah." Mike smiled with his whole face. "Finally! I've been waiting forever. I thought it would never grow back. Now I don't have to have this ridiculous thing." He threw the hat on the floor and sat down by the kitchen island.
Harvey sighed and bent down to pick up the hat and then placed it on the table.
"That's great." He said and leaned against it.
"Yeah, it is. I know you have said that I shouldn't care about how I look, but I think it's something psychological as well. If I can get rid of the hat, I'll finally start to feel like I'm getting better. Like really."
"Yeah. Sure." Harvey said and smiled towards the kid and patted him on the arm. Mike kept talking as Harvey went back to his laptop to continue to work again. He wasn't really listening as he tried to read through a contract. Mike happily kept talking and things felt good. Harvey hummed occasionally to keep the kid going.
"So, it's settled then." Mike said.
"What?" Harvey said.
"I'll dye my hair pink."
Harvey just stared at him, and Mike started laughing. He laughed so much that he started coughing and had to go and drink some water from the tap. Harvey smiled and shook his head and opened another e-mail.
During the next few weeks neither of them brought up the subject of Mike moving out, but Harvey couldn't stop thinking about it. He just waited for the time when Mike would bring it up again. That first time they had been at Mike's apartment, he had just told the kid that he thought it was a bad idea, but Mike was doing well, and Harvey didn't have a good reason to stop him. It was just that he felt nervous about it, even worried. He didn't want to leave the younger man by himself yet. What if something would happen to him, and Harvey wasn't there to help him? It would haunt him forever.
He was so used to Mike always being around too, it would feel strange to not having him at the condo. However, he couldn't stop Mike if he wanted to move out, of course he couldn't.
Since he couldn't let it go, he had contacted Mike's doctor and had a lengthy conversation about the kid living alone. The medical professional had nothing to say against them making that move. So, eventually Harvey had decided that the next time Mike brought up the subject with him, he wasn't going to object.
Mike had made wage suggestions about moving out a couple of times. It was just things like "When I'm on my own again…" or "When I'm back in my apartment I'll…". Harvey hadn't commented much about that. He just waited for Mike to talk about it again.
Mike had stopped wearing the hats now. He didn't have much hair to talk about, but you couldn't say that he was bald anymore. The first time he came out of the bedroom, dressed in a suit and without it, Harvey had smiled at him and nodded approvingly. When Mike passed him on his way to the bathroom, Harvey had raised his hand and given him a high five.
Donna had been very enthusiastic about it as well and had taken Mike out to lunch to celebrate. Harvey knew how self-conscious Mike was about how he looked and him being without those hats was a big step.
Then, one Thursday evening Mike brought it up again, when they were on the couch watching a movie.
"So, Harvey. I want to talk about me moving back to my place again." Mike didn't look at him, he kept his eyes on the TV.
Harvey nodded a little and reached for the remote and turned it off. When Mike looked at him, the younger man looked worried.
Harvey turned a little towards him.
"I see." He said. "You want to move out? You think you are ready?"
Mike bit his lip and hesitated a little before he answered.
"Yeah, I think so."
"And why do you want to do that?" Harvey wanted to know.
"I think it's time I start to take care of myself again, and it's time for you to start living again."
"Mike! Do you think I haven't been living with you here? I don't like when you talk like that!"
"Fine!" Mike held up his hands. "But it's time for you to start doing other things."
"What things?"
Mike shrugged. "I don't know. Going out, meeting people. Whatever you were doing before I moved in."
"I enjoy having you here." Harvey said honestly.
Mike nodded a little. "I enjoy living here too. You know I do. But it's time for me to take the next step in my life."
"I know kid. If this is something that you want to do, I'll support you."
Mike looked at him in surprise. "You will?" He said. "Wow, thanks. I thought I would have to… Thank you Harvey. For everything." The kid smiled happily and leaned over and patted Harvey's shoulder. He then leaned further over Harvey and snatched the remote and started the movie up again.
"You are welcome." Harvey said and turned forward again.
During the weekend Harvey noticed that Mike started to pack. When he went to Mike's room to collect his laptop he saw a packed back standing at the foot of the bed. He didn't say anything to Mike about it, but he felt a burst of sadness run through him at the sight of it.
During the week Mike went over to his apartment alone, and he didn't return back to the condo until late. Harvey asked what he had done the whole time there.
"I actually met Rachel there. She helped me to clean it up a bit." Mike said, smiling.
Harvey couldn't bring himself to smile back.
"Harvey, look. Are you really fine with this? Because if you're not then…"
"I'm fine with it." Harvey interrupted him. He then left the room and went to the bathroom without looking at Mike.
-SUITS-
Mike looked after Harvey as he walked away. He couldn't help but feel guilty about going through with this. It felt like he was doing something bad. He could tell that Harvey was just acting, he just didn't know to what degree. He also felt like they hadn't spoken about this, not really. He had tried a bunch of times, brought it up pretty subtle, but Harvey had just changed the subject.
The way he just said that he was fine with it had cut in him a little bit. He had sounded kind of cold, and then he had just walked away.
He had brought up him moving out with Donna and then with Rachel last night. Donna had told him that Harvey would be fine, and that he should do what he felt was right for him.
"But I get the feeling that he doesn't want me to leave." Mike had said.
"Of course he doesn't want you to leave Mike. He loves having you around. But you can't stay for him."
Rachel said that same thing.
"This is a good step for you. You need this." She had said and had hugged him.
He was really moving out of Harvey's place. A place had had called his own home for a long time now. A place where he had fought for his life, and a place where he had felt loved and cared for.
Sometimes he didn't really know why he wanted to leave. Maybe it was stupid to do it now. He could stay a few more months, Harvey wouldn't mind. But it was just that he felt ready for it now. He felt like he needed it. He needed to prove to himself that he could do it, that he could function by himself again.
Sometimes he felt like he wasn't ready, sometimes the thought of being alone scared him. But he was feeling fine. His treatment was almost finished, there was no more radiation, just a bunch of pills that he had to take.
He had also brought up the subject of moving out at the latest therapy session, and he had gotten a lot of support. One guy had started to clap his hands and soon the others had joined in. It had felt so good, and it had felt like the right choice. Now he wasn't sure when he stared at the closed bathroom door.
The next evening, he brought it up again. They were having dinner at the kitchen table. Mike had cooked.
"So, I was thinking about moving out on Saturday." Mike said.
Harvey didn't look at him, instead he looked down on his plate of pasta.
"Saturday it is then." Harvey said.
"Yeah, okay. Will you help me?"
Harvey looked at him then. "Of course." He said.
"You know that I need to do this right. It's nothing against you. I have loved staying here, and I will never forget everything you have done for me."
Harvey sighed a little.
"Mike…"
"No, I want to say this. I'm going to visit you a lot, you know. I'm going to hang out here all the time. I just need to do this."
Harvey nodded and then smiled. "You are welcome back any time, kid. I'm always here if you need me."
"Thank you, Harvey."
Saturday arrived fast and Mike had packed all his bags. He had left a few clothes in his closet on purpose, just so that he would have something for when he visited.
He was sitting on his bed looking out at the room he was leaving. It felt weird. He remembered every moment he had been through in this room, every sad moment, every scary moment and the happy moments. Moments when he had been together with Harvey, or Donna, or Adam.
He was going to miss it.
"You sure you are ready for this? You know you could always stay a few more weeks, if you want."
Harvey tried to sound casual when he suggested it about an hour later when they were about to head out. Mike could hear the tension in his voice though.
"Oh Harvey, are you going to miss me that much?" He chose the easy way out, by making a joke.
"Yes." Harvey simply said.
"Oh. Okay." Mike sobered up again at Harvey's honest answer. "Yeah, I'll miss you too Harvey, but I think it's time for me to do this."
"Well, you can come over any time you want. You still have your key."
"Thank you, Harvey."
"Except for when I'm busy of course. You can't come then."
"You're never busy." Mike smirked.
"What do you mean? Of course, I am." When he saw Mike's expression he added. "I'm going to start being busy. Get my life back and all."
"No, I bet you will miss me too much for that. And besides I kept you busy, so you had plenty of a life."
"Yeah, that included regular hospital visits."
"It could have been worse." Mike said.
"How? How could anything have been worse than what you went through?"
Mike shrugged. "I could have died."
"Yes, you could have. That would have been worse." Harvey agreed.
They looked at each other until Harvey spoke again.
"I'm so glad you didn't Mike. I don't know what I would have done if you had. I'm not sure how I ever would have gone on without you."
Mike smiled. His heart was pounding hard in his chest as he heard Harvey say these things.
"Well…you don't have to now."
Harvey nodded. "No, I won't." He smiled too.
"Ehm…" Mike didn't know what else to say. "Well, do we hug now, or…?"
"I guess we do." Harvey answered and held out his arms for Mike to step into. Harvey held on to him hard and he felt like he always did when Harvey hugged him. Comforted, safe and loved.
"Thank you." He whispered and heard Harvey sigh before he said the same thing. They broke apart, but Harvey kept a hand on Mike's arm.
"You are okay. Finally." He said.
Mike was a bit taken aback when he looked at Harvey's face and saw that the older man had tears in his eyes.
"I am Harvey."
Harvey blinked a little and looked away for a moment. He rubbed his eyes a bit while Mike was just standing there quietly. Harvey let out a deep breath. Then he nodded and smiled.
"You did it, kid." He said. "Up top." He raised hand for Mike who let out a laugh and then high fived him.
Then Harvey grabbed two of his bags from the floor, Mike hoisted up the last on his shoulder and started following Harvey to the door.
"Did we just seriously high five the fact that I am surviving cancer?"
"You're damn right we did." Harvey said and opened the door for Mike.
During the car ride they were both quiet.
"So, we are here." Harvey said and looked out of the car window towards Mike's apartment building. "I can't believe you want to come back here, after living at my place."
"It's not so bad." Mike said, smiling. They had had this conversation before. He got out of the car; Harvey followed him. Harvey picked up the bags from the trunk and handed only one of them to Mike, he knew it was the lightest one. It felt weird being back here now. Harvey was sort of right. For a long time, he had considered Harvey's place his home, but now that period of his life was over. It was time to start anew, and he knew this was a great first step. It had to be.
Mike let Harvey led the way up the stairs.
The lights were on when they stepped inside his apartment. The place was clean and warm. A vase with flowers was standing on the table. And actually, it looked cleaner than how he remembered leaving it the last time he was here, just a few days ago.
"Harvey? Who has been here? Rachel and I didn't buy those flowers." He asked as he put down the bag on the coffee table.
"Who do you think?" Harvey put down the other bags on his bed that had been made.
"Donna."
"She said she wanted to surprise you. Check the fridge, would you?"
Mike did what he was asked and smiled when he saw that it was stocked with a lot of food. Actually, when he looked around, he noticed a few more things that had changed. A box with his medication was placed on the kitchen table. He noticed some sort of box shaped machine standing next to his bed. He walked over to it.
"What's this?"
"That's an air purifier. Did she only buy one? I told her that at least three would be needed." Harvey looked around as if he was expecting to see more of them. Mike wasn't sure if he was joking or not.
"You know that several hundred people live in this building, right? It's not some sort of poisonous dump. You guys didn't have to get me this…"
"The air purifier will do you good. You better keep it on at all times." Harvey interrupted him.
"Fine." Mike muttered. "Did Donna buy any beer?"
"You are not allowed to mix alcohol with the medications against…"
"I know Harvey, I was kidding."
"Has anyone told you that you're not very funny?"
Mike laughed at that and went to try out his bed, Donna had found some sort of blanket that was lying over it now, that Mike didn't even recognize. He stretched himself out on top of it.
"I missed this." He said.
Harvey huffed. "The bed you have at my place is much nicer." That was all he said. He had started to unpack Mike's luggage. He should probably offer to do that himself, but he felt kind of beat.
"I'll do that later, Harvey."
Harvey didn't stop though, so Mike let him have at it. He was just going to close his eyes for a moment.
He startled awake from Harvey making some sort of noise. Harvey was standing at the edge of his bed looking down on him.
"You have been sleeping for like an hour. I'm totally bored, so I thought I would head over to my place now."
"Oh." Mike sat up on the bed. He felt a little groggy.
Harvey was leaving. For some reason he didn't feel prepared for that.
"So, you are leaving?" He asked, even though that was what Harvey just had told him.
"Yep. You can go back to sleep. I just wanted to… to say goodbye before I left."
Mike nodded without looking at Harvey. Why did he have to leave so soon?
"You don't want to stay for dinner then?" He asked.
"Dinner? We haven't had lunch Mike. You feel alright?"
"What? Yes. I meant lunch."
Harvey looked at him for some time, but to Mike's relief he nodded. He then went over to the fridge.
"I'll see what I can find here." He muttered to himself.
Harvey made them lunch and Mike joined him in the kitchen. It was nice and they talked about a lot of things. Mike took care of the dishes after, while Harvey stayed by the table.
"Your place is not that bad actually." Harvey said.
"Neither is yours."
Harvey laughed a little.
"Mike, if you want to come over again, you are always welcome. Anytime of the day."
"Thanks."
It was almost like Harvey had felt his unease about being left alone here. It was so damn stupid. He had asked for this; he had wanted it. It was just that now when it really was happening it felt kind of scary. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he felt worried. He knew he had been given the all clear to live by himself again by his doctors, but still, what if something happened to him and no one would be there to help him. Or what if he had a nightmare and would have no one to talk about it with. Or what if he simply didn't like living alone? What would he do then?
"So, are you fine with me leaving then? Even though we haven't had dinner."
"Ha ha. Yes, I'm fine with you leaving."
"Alright then." Harvey walked over to the door and reached for his coat. He slowly put it on while he was looking at Mike, who only met his eyes for a second or so. "I'll see you later Mike."
Harvey smiled at him and opened the door and stepped out. Mike didn't know why, but he couldn't bring himself to answer. It didn't feel good that Harvey was leaving. He didn't want him to leave. Now when he was really doing it, it just felt wrong, and he felt so damn stupid for suggesting this. It had been his idea all along, Harvey hadn't thought it was a good idea. It turned out that he was right. This was a bad idea, but he couldn't do anything now. He just had to deal with it.
Suddenly Harvey was standing in front of him again.
"You know, if there is anything, anything at all, you call me. If you feel like you aren't ready for this yet, just call and I'll come and pick you up."
Harvey paused for a second looking at him. Could he say that he changed his mind and that he wanted to come with the older man back to his place again. He opened his mouth to do just that, but no words came out.
"Mike?"
He drew in a deep breath.
"Yeah, okay." He said. "Thanks."
Harvey nodded. "Okay then. Bye."
Then he left for real. Mike heard the door close behind him. He slowly let himself fall back on the bed.
He was alone now. He was going to live by himself. He had survived and come back here. He looked around a little. He recognized everything, yet it felt somewhat foreign. It didn't feel like home. It was though; it was his home. But why did he keep wanting to leave it?
He decided that he could do it, he could stay here. It was his home, and he had to get used to it again. He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep again. Maybe a bit more sleep would help, and he would feel better when he woke up again.
For about ten minutes he tried to do that, but then he gave up. He just wasn't tired anymore.
He got up and walked around in his apartment. He opened the closet and saw how Harvey neatly had folded all his clothes. He drew a hand over a hoodie that Harvey had given him, one of the man's old ones. He wasn't even sure Harvey had given it to him, he might have just borrowed it and eventually it just became his. He picked it up.
He felt a pang in his chest of longing for the other man. It hit him so suddenly that he was surprised when his eyes filled with tears. He rolled his eyes at himself and drew a hand over them. He was so stupid. Why did he react like this? Why did he feel like this, nervous and almost a bit afraid. And why was he starting to regret this?
He felt how he tensed where he stood, still with the hoodie from Harvey in his hands. He could feel himself trembling and he brought the hoodie up to his face as his eyes welled over again.
He didn't want to be here. It was a mistake. He tried to calm down. He tried to get his emotions under control. It was stupid.
"Screw it!" He said to himself and threw the hoodie on the bed. Harvey had said that if he wasn't ready, he could come back home again. And clearly, he wasn't ready. He had thought that he was, but this reaction said otherwise. Before he could give it much more time to think it through, he made the call. Harvey answered after two signals.
"Mike? Everything alright?"
"Can you come back and get me?" Mike said, before he chickened out.
A pause. Mike closed his eyes and dread started to rise in him immediately.
"Yes."
"Thank you." Mike breathed out.
"Be downstairs in twenty minutes." They hang up after that and Mike put on the hoodie, threw a few pill bottles into a bag and went downstairs. So what if he went back to Harvey's again. He could come here tomorrow again. Or the day after that.
Harvey arrived exactly when he had said. He leaned over and opened the door for Mike to get inside the car.
"Missed me?" Harvey smiled at him, and lightly punched his shoulder, before driving off.
Mike smiled a little, but didn't answer. Instead, he leaned back against the headrest and watched the traffic outside. It felt good to head home. Or to Harvey's place. It wasn't his home anymore; he needed to stop thinking of it as that. He swallowed hard.
"You okay?" Harvey asked, without looking at him.
"Yeah…"
"You can stay as long as you like."
"Thanks."
"Sure."
-SUITS-
Harvey glanced at Mike once in a while. The younger man was leaning back against the headrest with his head turned towards the window. Mike had still hadn't looked him in the eyes. Maybe he was embarrassed. He had almost sounded scared on the phone. That tore in him.
"Look Mike…" He hesitated a little, he didn't want Mike to take what he was going to say the wrong way. "If you don't want to do this anymore, you can just move back in."
Mike sighed a little before answering. "Yeah, thanks Harvey. I know that."
Harvey leaned towards him and hit his arm with his fist. Mike smiled a little.
"Talk to me." Harvey said.
Mike shrugged. "I don't know. I thought I was ready for it, but when you left, I realized that I wasn't. I will try again soon though. I guess I have to get used to being alone again."
"Well, I'm just saying that I don't mind that you are staying with me. Not at all, kid."
"Thanks Harvey. That means a lot."
They were quiet for the rest of the drive. Mike followed behind Harvey up to the condo.
The rest of the evening was just like any other evening. They had dinner, Mike made it, and then they watched a movie and went to bed. Mike complained about having brought his best pants to sleep in with him to his place. Harvey told him to be quiet. He did go and say goodnight to the kid before he went to bed.
Mike was lying on his side in bed, looking towards the door when he came, almost like he had been waiting for Harvey to come.
"Do you think I'm moving out too fast?" Mike asked him as Harvey sat down in the chair next to him.
Harvey was quiet for some time while he thought about what to answer. "I think this a decision that only you can make Mike." He finally said.
"I freaked out after you left. I got scared." Mike didn't look at him. "I thought I could handle it better, but I couldn't. And you said that if I wasn't ready, I could come back, so…"
"And I mean that."
"I know. But why did I think I was ready?"
"You might be ready, just not today, but maybe tomorrow or the day after that. Let it take time."
Mike let out a little laugh. "Yeah. I will. Thanks for coming to get me."
"No problem kid. Can I leave you here now, or do you need to talk feelings a bit more?"
Mike smirked and shook his head. "Just go Harvey."
Harvey smiled back at him. "Good night, Mike."
"Good night."
Harvey walked out of the room and went to his own bed. He lay awake for a long time that night. He just had a hard time falling asleep. He didn't know what it was, but he couldn't stop thinking about Mike leaving. Sure, he had come back right away, but still. Soon the kid wouldn't be there anymore. Soon he would have to go back to being alone in the condo. He didn't know how it would go, or what it would be like. After an hour of sleeplessness, he went over to Mike's room just to check on him. Mike was fast asleep on his back, so Harvey went back and felt a little stupid having gone there.
Somehow Mike moving out hit him harder than he had expected. It surprised him a little, but it just felt so real now. It felt like it had happened so fast as well. He hadn't said anything about it to Mike, that would be a bit awkward. He wasn't sure Donna would agree with that though, she would probably just tell him to talk to Mike.
He didn't want to stop the kid from moving out though. He couldn't do that. Mike needed to be independent again, he knew that. And it would be selfish of him to ask Mike to stay longer. Also, he didn't know why he was hesitant about Mike moving. It wasn't only that he was worried about Mike being alone, even though the doctors had assured them that it would be fine. Mike wasn't in any danger, but something could still happen. How would they know for sure?
It wasn't only that though, it was something else as well. He liked having Mike here. He enjoyed his company, him always being there, on the couch, on the balcony, in his room or by the kitchen island when Harvey made them dinner. It was like they were a family. It just felt nice. And he didn't want to be alone.
He thought about all the times when Mike hadn't wanted to be alone. The countless times he had begged Harvey not to leave him alone, and how he had stayed every time. How would the kid cope without him, if he felt bad at night? How would Harvey cope? He didn't know.
The next morning his eyes felt dry as he woke up. It was Sunday so he thought of going back to sleep again, but then he heard something slamming in the kitchen, so he got up.
Mike was on the floor next to the kitchen island, picking up pieces of a broken cup.
"Are you planning on completely trash the place before you leave?" Harvey asked and smiled as Mike jerked and looked up.
"It just slipped out of my hand." He muttered.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine." Mike got up and threw what was left of the cup in the trash. "Sorry." He said.
"It's fine. How did you sleep?"
Mike shrugged. "Fine, I guess. How did you sleep?"
Harvey ignored his question. "Did you take your meds?"
"Yes, I took them all. You don't need to ask anymore, I have it under control."
"Okay, okay. But you remember when we had to go to the hospital because you took a double dose?"
"That was one time!"
"Almost the last."
"I would have been fine."
"How do you know? You were out of it then."
"No, I wasn't."
They went on like that for a bit until Harvey went to get the vacuum but as he was about to start it Mike took it from him.
"I'll do it. It's my mess."
"So, you are going to start cleaning up your own messes from now on then?"
Mike nodded. "At least this one." He smiled.
They had a relaxing day. They watched movies, went for a walk, and sat some on the terrace. When it was getting dark outside Harvey considered asking Mike if he wanted a ride to his apartment, but he didn't do it. Mike didn't bring it up either, at least not until he was about to go to his bedroom.
"I'll try again tomorrow." He said, and Harvey nodded and said good night.
They went to work the next day. It was a busy day, and they barely saw each other. Mike went out to lunch with Donna, and they were gone almost two hours. Harvey didn't say anything about it.
Mike asked to be dropped off at his place when it was time to leave for the day and Harvey agreed to do that. They didn't talk much in the car and Mike even fell asleep for about ten minutes. He said he was tired but fine when Harvey asked. When they stopped outside Mike's building Harvey offered to follow him upstairs, but Mike declined.
"I'll be fine, Harvey. I'll see you tomorrow."
Harvey spent the night alone. Mike didn't call him, and Harvey didn't call him either. He wanted to though. He did call Donna, and after talking to her for almost an hour he texted Mike a good night and went to bed early. They had agreed that Mike needed to be independent from him. Donna pressed him on that.
"Let him take his time with this. You have shown that you are there for him if he needs you. Let him explore what it's like without you."
Harvey wasn't sure that he liked that. The other day Mike had said that he had been scared after Harvey had left him. What if he was scared now as well? And maybe he had some weird idea that this was what he needed to do to please Harvey? That he thought that just because he was doing better, he should move out and just leave Harvey alone. He really hoped that wasn't the case. Donna had said it wasn't. She had said that Mike was doing it for himself, to prove to himself that he could do it.
Harvey slept restlessly and woke up multiple times. Every time he remembered that Mike wasn't there anymore, and every time he checked his phone to see if Mike had texted or called him. He hadn't, only a simple good night text.
Around 6 in the morning when Harvey had laid sleepless for an hour or so he decided to just head to the office. He had promised Mike to pick him up in the morning, but he figured he might as well spend the time until then at the office.
He was outside Mike's place a few minutes before the time they had agreed. Mike didn't show up until ten minutes later, which left time to Harvey had started to worry.
Mike yawned as he buckled his seatbelt.
"Rough night?" Harvey asked.
"Well… no. Not really. But I kept waking up. I'm not used to sleep there."
Harvey nodded, but didn't say anything. He wanted to tell the kid that he could come home again, but he held back. He noticed that Mike looked at him, but the younger man didn't say anything either. They didn't speak more about that for the rest of the ride to the office. In fact, they didn't speak about it during the rest of the day. Mike worked at his cubicle and Harvey had a long partner meeting.
Around five thirty in the evening Harvey went to find Mike to drive him home. He didn't like the way Mike looked when he saw him. He had his eyes open a little too wide open and his gaze lingered too long in the same place. Harvey suspected that he was exhausted and felt a flare of annoyance at that. Why couldn't Mike come and find him if he was too tired to work?
However, Mike didn't say anything about being tired and didn't complain about leaving. Instead he just grabbed his bag and followed Harvey down the corridor.
"You good?" Harvey asked in the elevator.
"Yeah." Mike said, licking his lips without looking at him.
When they stopped the car just outside Mike's building Harvey noticed that Mike hesitated a little and turned towards Harvey as if he wanted to say something, but he didn't. Instead, he gave Harvey a weak smile, opened the door and was gone. For a while Harvey looked after him before he left for his own place.
When he got home, he found himself walking over to Mike's bedroom. For a while he just stood there in the doorway. The bed was made, the nightstand empty and most of the shelves on the bookshelf were also empty. The picture of Mike's grandmother that had held the center place there was gone, and so were the pill bottles and Mike's iPad. A few of Mike's books were still there though, and on the chair was one of Mike's hoodies. It felt good that some of his belongings were still there.
Harvey absentmindedly picked up the hoodie and started to fold it and then put it away. One of Mike's hats had been below it, and he picked that up. Even though many of the things were gone, it still felt like this was Mike's space. Maybe it even smelt a little like him.
Suddenly Harvey felt his eyes burned a little. He sat down on the bed still with the hat in his hands. He had spent so much in time here with the kid, and now he wasn't there anymore. He closed his eyes and thought about the nights he had spent sitting here while Mike had been on the bed, sometimes ill or scared. They had held hands. Harvey had spoken to the kid, told him over and over how things were going to be okay. And now they were. Mike was okay. He smiled a little to himself and stood up. He placed the hat on top of the hoodie and left the room.
Three hours later Mike called him. He was apologetic and asked if Harvey please could come and get him.
"I just can't do it today. I can't." He had said and Harvey left right away.
-SUITS-
Mike had debated with himself for a long time before he called Harvey. He had tried to head to bed early. He had just felt so exhausted. His eyes felt dry, and his brain felt slow. But as he laid in bed sleep just didn't come. He had called Harvey then. He had hesitated for just a moment; it had been late.
Harvey was waiting for him outside twenty minutes later and Mike felt so grateful. Harvey really was great.
When they got back to the condo they spent some time on the couch. Mike knew that Harvey probably wanted to talk about his inability to stay by himself, but he really didn't feel like it. He knew that Harvey thought that it was okay if he came back here, but at the same time it felt a little embarrassing that he couldn't do it. And he wasn't sure if he wanted to talk it out. It took ten minutes before Harvey brought it up.
"You are not ready yet. That's just how it is, and that's okay." He was saying.
"Harvey, maybe it's you who isn't ready for this." Mike smirked at him.
The older man looked at him for some time.
"Maybe." He just said then, and Mike closed his mouth. He had just about to throw an insult at man's way, but Harvey sounded so sincere that he felt touched by it.
Mike stayed with Harvey for more days after that. Then he felt ready to try again.
His apartment felt cold when he stepped inside it. Harvey had dropped him off and Mike noticed how he had waited until he got inside. It felt comforting that Harvey did that.
He dropped down on his couch and laid there for a while, just staring up at the ceiling. He rubbed his left ear a bit. It hurt for some reason. He didn't think it was cancer related though, and that felt strange. For so long now everything had always been about the cancer. Sometimes he thought that it always would be about the cancer. It was just a part of him now, it was who he was. He was always going to be a person how had gone through cancer. It wasn't just him though, a lot of people had gone through it with him, he knew that. Harvey had been through it with him. He figured that it was a part of Harvey as well.
Harvey had looked worried when Mike had told him that he wanted to go to his own place again. Harvey didn't need to worry about him anymore, the doctors had said that. Mike knew though that Harvey was always going to worry. Maybe not fully worry, but it was just something about their relationship now. It was how it was between them, and maybe always would be. Harvey had been there with him, seen how ill he had been, seen him practically die, and that must do something to a person. It wasn't anything Mike could do about. Harvey respected him, Mike knew that, but Harvey had also held Mike's hand in while he lay in a hospital bed.
Sometimes it was hard to deal with it all. It was hard to be at work. It was hard to know how to behave when he no longer was so ill. Sometimes he just felt strange, and he was unsure if this was what the old Mike would have done. He knew he shouldn't think like that though. Old Mike was no longer him. They had talked about that at a therapy session, about them before and after cancer, and how to accept that it couldn't be like before again. And that was okay.
Later that night when he felt a little alone, he called Harvey.
"Mike?"
"Yeah. Hi."
"Hi to you too. You okay?" Harvey asked. He sounded worried again.
"Yeah. I'm okay." Mike found himself smiling. He instantly felt a little better now. "I'm fine. I just wanted to talk."
"So, you don't want me to come and get you?" Harvey asked.
"No. No, you don't have to come and get me. I am fine. Really. I just felt like talking to you for a bit before I go to bed."
"Are you sure, Mike? I don't mind coming."
"Thank you, Harvey. That means a lot. I'm sure, though. You don't have to come."
"Okay. Then I won't. What do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know. Do you miss me over there?"
There was a pause and almost instantly Mike felt how he tensed. Why was Harvey pausing.
"I do." Harvey said then, and Mike relaxed. For a moment he considered making a joke but didn't.
"I miss you too."
"I can come and get you. I want to. You don't have to feel bad if…"
Mike interrupted him. "I'm fine Harvey, really. We can just talk."
"Okay then." Harvey said after a short pause. "We'll talk."
-SUITS-