AN: There have been some strange issues when I am posting here on FFN. Sometimes I will see chapters with the correct updates and others, I see the oldest version. Sometimes I see the newest chapter available to read and others I do not. If you are having issues viewing here, I am also posting on AO3 under the same pen name.
Ed had thought he knew what loss was. His mom had passed away when he was fourteen and for all he saw of his father after her passing, he might as well have been dead to him as well, but the staggering emptiness he felt without Winry in his life superseded any perceived understanding he thought he had of it.
Other people would say that loss came in waves, or that it was like being weighed down by lead, but he would describe the destitution as being physically present, with zero connection to anything happening around him. He went through the motions of his life; he woke, he exercised, he ate, he taught, and he slept, but he was a void, and he would have been content to say nothing more than the bare minimum if it weren't for Alphonse pushing the conversation.
When Al had seen him on Saturday, he could plainly discern the pain written on his face and tried to talk to him then. Ed had been able to divert the discussion though there was no doubt that his brother had known it was a facade. That night, he hadn't slept at all. He had let his intrusive thoughts overtake him, playing out scenario after scenario of how he should have told Winry or how he should have fought harder to stay and try to reach her. He had given himself those hours to think about her, to regret his decisions and to hate himself, but he was resolved to cauterize the wound and go back to solely focusing on looking into possible treatment options for Alphonse.
When he left his room Sunday morning, he was greeted by the smell of a breakfast bake which was a surefire sign that Al would not be ignored; whenever he was nervous or upset, he would cook or bake. As much as he needed to block out his emotions, he wouldn't let his brother sit in limbo worrying about his mental state. He would tell him that Winry had found out and that they were done and leave it at that. Steeling himself for the hopefully brief exchange, he went to the stool on the far side of the peninsula in their kitchen and took a seat.
"Brother! I have been waiting for you to wake up. I made breakfast." Gesturing to the casserole that was freshly plated, Alphonse indicated that he should dig in, though the thought of food was entirely unpalatable.
"I see that, thanks, Al." They both eyed each other steadily from their respective sides of the kitchen. Knowing that there was no way to avoid it, he ran his flesh hand through his golden hair and exhaled gustily, deciding to rip off the band aid. "Winry knows." Those two words held so much more than the brevity of them implied. His voice had cracked over the words and for a second, he wasn't sure that he would be able to continue speaking without thoroughly crumbling. Couldn't he manage to pull himself together for ten minutes for the sake of his brother?
"I hadn't told her yet and she saw the archives about the accident at the library. I wanted to explain everything, not that anything would change me being the asshole who caused the death of her parents, but I should have done it long before now. I've hurt everyone I've ever loved and now, I have gotten everything that I deserve, which is nothing. She asked me to leave, and I did. We are done." A small feminine gasp sounded from behind him, and he whipped around to see who it had come from. For a sick, stupid moment he had hoped maybe Winry was there, despite knowing that wouldn't be the case. Instead, Sheska stood aghast in the hallway behind him. Fuck. Great, now he had probably fucked things up for Al too. Sheska spun on her heel and headed back towards his room, likely to grab her regular clothes and leave.
"Sheska, wait!" Al wheeled quickly after her and he felt absolutely disgusted with himself. Everything he touched turned to shit. If he had just been up front with Winry from the beginning this would not be happening, likely because she would have avoided him from that moment on, but at least it would have been on her terms, and no one would be worse for the wear. Most importantly her. However, a surreptitious part of him couldn't help but to want nothing more than to wake up beside her despite-. Shit, from the raised voices trailing towards him, they were coming back from Alphonse's room.
"How could you not tell her Al!? She's your friend too!" As she made it into the dining room, she came face to face with him. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he couldn't let his little brother take the blame when everything was his own fault.
"Sheska, please, do not blame him, this is all my fault. He didn't cause the accident, he wasn't driving...I literally left him in the state he is in now and somehow, he was still thinking of my feelings." He tried to appeal to her solemnly.
"No, Ed, she's right. Winry's my friend too. I chose to keep talking to her even after I realized the connection, I should have told her then." He paused briefly and then looked at Sheska with earnestness shining in his olive eyes. "I shouldn't have kept it from you either and put you in this position. I'm so sorry, Sheska. There is no excuse for my behavior, I love you and I should have been honest with you." Both of them stared at each other, eyes glazed with tears, and he felt that he was impeding on something he had no business witnessing. Strangely, he couldn't help but to notice that his brother and him were more alike than he realized sometimes, considering he also hadn't been able to keep his feelings to himself about being in love with Winry at a critical moment.
The tears trickled from Sheska's warm brown eyes as she spoke again, "I don't even know what to say. I need to go see her. I don't want her to think that everyone knew this the whole time and was keeping it from her." She started to leave, but Al reached out and pleadingly took her hand in his.
"I know I don't deserve it, but will you please let me know how she is doing? I want to give her time right now, but I owe her an apology and I am worried about her too." Sheka's brows furrowed in debate, so Ed took the opportunity to speak.
"You are a good friend, Sheska. Thank you for looking out for her, I'm so glad that she has you." Voice breaking off at the thought that he couldn't be the one that was there for her, when he was the cause of all this pain, he couldn't bear to stay in the room any longer. As he headed for his room, he thought he heard her agree to reach out to Al after she spoke with Winry, but hurried to close his door before grief could pull him under.
By the end of his first day back to teaching he was beyond ready to go home and quietly review his outlines, especially since he had the unwelcome surprise of a missed call from his father to ignore. Wasn't it enough to just make it through his classes without picturing Winry's wide smile in response to their teasing wordplay or imagining her laughing airily with Sheska in the front row? Apparently not, because as he glanced down at his phone, he was irritated to see 'Sperm Donor' pop up on his screen again. What the hell could he possibly want now? Immediately, he swiped to dismiss the call and shoved his phone forcefully back into his pocket as he headed back to their apartment.
When it came to their father, Edward hadn't seen him much since after the installation of his automail by Pinako. He shouldn't have expected him to stick around to make sure that the mail didn't reject, but some deeply buried, nearly non-existent part of him had hoped that maybe the trauma of the wreck would draw their family back together. Of course, now that he was in his twenties, he had given up on that idea and moved on from hurt disguised as anger and cautious hope to outright loathing of the man. Both he and Al received calls from him on holidays and birthdays, but while Al still took his calls, he absolutely did not.
The last straw for him had been going through the insertion surgery for his limbs and having to depend on the elder Rockbell for even more than he wanted to take from her. She had pushed his hair out of his face when he threw up relentlessly from the pain of the nerve connections and while she didn't coddle him, she was steadfast in her care of him. When he had to sit with minimal motion for a week, she would sit in his recovery room and discuss the build of his automail in detail to pass the time, though occasionally, she would discuss her family. The family he had destroyed unintentionally.
While he went a long way to avoid discussing the accident whenever possible, he felt that she was owed whatever she might want to know. She had been present at the court proceedings and had even spoken in his defense, which was likely why he had gotten such a lenient sentencing. His debt to her was something he would never have the ability to pay. They had really only discussed things deeply one time and it had boiled down to two questions: 'Did he do it on purpose?' and 'What other option did he have?' Though he had discerned that neither were for her benefit, but rather for his own, since he didn't feel that he warranted absolution, and she was set on showing him otherwise. She was stubborn like that, stubborn and merciful. He had grown to care about her and had entertained the idea that she genuinely liked him too, though that may have been false optimism.
Regardless, he was truly disheartened to hear that the lively, elderly woman had passed away, and he would miss their sniping at each other. Much the same as he would be lost without the banter of her granddaughter, and that was putting it mildly.
Climbing the stairs up the front entrance of their apartment, he unlocked the door and came in to find the place empty. Hopefully Al was out with Sheska talking things through, he hated the idea of his brother losing anything else because of him. Sighing aloud, he emptied his pockets onto the table and slipped off his shoes. He wanted to text Alphonse and see where he was, but if he was talking to his girlfriend, then he didn't want to interrupt. She had already done more than he expected she would by texting Al that morning about Winry. Granted, it wasn't a reassuring message, but at least he knew that she was safe, albeit secondhand.
With no one else in the apartment, it felt far too silent while still managing to be suffocating. He walked into the guest bathroom and pulled off his gloves so he could wet his hands and face. For a moment he glanced down at both of his hands and really took the time to appreciate how similar to his natural appendage the automail one was. Winry had poured all of herself into the crafting of his limbs, though that was no surprise. No matter the occasion she always gave everything she had, which is why he felt pessimistic when it came to the hope that she would find a way to forgive him.
From the beginning she had never held any of herself back from him and with him it was the exact opposite. Every action was tainted with the omission that was akin to lying. Dragging his hands over his face, he attempted to dispel the thoughts from his mind and resolved to continue focusing on other things, like if anyone had new trials or treatments opening up in the near future for Alphonse. With that thought, he toweled off his face and headed to his bedroom where he began his search and tried to ignore the faint scent of her light floral perfume that still clung to his comforter.
Tuesday had drug on much the same as Monday. Logically, he knew that she wasn't in any of his classes this semester, but he couldn't help thinking that any second she would walk in and sit down in front of him. Even if by some miracle she had come to see him, he had no idea how he would behave around her. Still, the idea of being able to see her, if only in passing, was a hope he harbored.
He had found himself deliberately taking detours around places that he knew that she frequented, but he hadn't seen her at all. As he packed up his papers for the day, he debated stopping over at The Dark Horse for a drink. She likely wasn't there as she had been apprenticing at The Complex most weeknights for a while now, but maybe she would be there. However, as he exited the sciences building, he noticed that he had an unsolicited visitor.
For fucks sake, why was Hohenheim there? He was generally predictable in his actions, or rather inaction, so the multiple calls and now his physical presence was disconcerting. Deciding on walking right past him, he didn't make eye contact and started heading down the steps as if he didn't even notice him.
"Edward, we need to talk." As usual, his 'father' didn't offer an option, only stated what he expected to happen. He was not in the mood for any bullshit from him right now. He was surprised when a firm hand shot out and grasped his arm and he quickly moved to shrug it away from him. Apparently the elder was more obstinate than normal tonight, what the hell was going on?
"What do you want, old man?" He spit bitterly.
"Can we please talk; I need to discuss a few things with you." Hohenheim's auric eyes pleaded with him.
"We have nothing to talk about." Continuing forward, Ed had said his peace.
"There may be an experiment available soon for Alphonse." The words halted him abruptly.
"What are you talking about, I have been constantly on the watch for any new studies or trials that are going to clinical human testing or that are upcoming and there has been nothing that would pertain to Al's specific injury." That was probably the most he had said to the other man in years, but he would not be made to feel as though he wasn't looking for a treatment, because he was. Outside of recently with Winry, his brother's condition was his sole focus.
"You wouldn't have heard about this since it requires a certain clearance level as it is being developed at The Complex, through the military. This is what I have been searching for since the accident and until there was a real viable possibility, I didn't want to get your or more importantly, Alphonse's hope up." The words hung there between them and his mind was racing through them, trying to make sense out of the information. Hohenheim had been trying to find a solution for his brother for all of this time? That was news to him. As far as he knew, the older man was like a seagull, just swooping in when it was convenient for him, to make himself feel better...this felt like a lie. Or a reason to gain his attention for some other unfathomable cause.
"I call bullshit, you are a selfish piece of shit. You haven't cared for anyone but yourself in years, assuming you ever have." The vitriol came too easily around the graying blonde.
"I can't deny that I have failed as a father, but believe it or not, I am human, and I did not handle the loss of your mother in a healthy way." His face had tipped down in what had to be feigned regret, but he was pissed and wasn't going to miss out on an opportunity to dispel feelings he had buried for too long.
"How do you think Al and I felt, you bastard!? We had lost our mother and then you abandoned us under the guise of work, like that was justifiable. We needed you and instead it was like we lost both of our parents when mom died." Thinking of all the times that he had had to be both a brother and a father at a young age, Ed wanted Von to feel as miserable as he did inside.
"You are not wrong about my inadequacies, but I assure you that what I am telling you about the upcoming clinical study, assuming the pioneer of the technology agrees to continue working with me, is the absolute truth."
"Oh yes, the truth beyond the truth, as it were." Scoffing loudly, he crossed his arms over his chest and continued, "What do you mean if they agree to continue working with you? Spend a lot of time letting everyone down, do you?"
"Miss Rockbell never discussed any of this with you?" That stopped him short. What was he implying?
Confusion was written on his face as his brows pulled together with his question, "Winry? What does she have to do with this?"
"As you know, she has extensive knowledge of anatomy due to her automail certification. She could easily pass her master's certification now, if she tested for it." Ed nodded in agreement with Hohenheim's assessment of her skill set and the man continued, "Well, she designed a plan for a type of hybrid nerve fortification that would allow communication from the brain to the damaged tissues. She is quite brilliant." Sounding proud of his young protege, Von actually smiled when referring to her. He tried to recall every mention of her time at The Complex she had made, which wasn't many considering the outburst he had when he found out that Mustang had gotten her commission work there. Still, he couldn't think of any discussion of this kind of theory. Why wouldn't she have shared this idea with him? He would have loved to hear her thoughts and of course, if it could help his brother, that would be life changing. His father's voice cut off his internal musings. "If I had to speculate, much like me, she would not want to raise expectations on something that might not have been operable. Her propensity to invest completely is something I admire greatly about her." That was one thing that they could agree on.
"Okay, so why wouldn't she continue to work with-oh, fuck, of course, because she found out about me causing the accident..." He trailed off sadly.
"Actually, I believe it is because I didn't disclose my relation to you, rather than the accident itself, though she is reasonably hurt about everything. She is supposed to come by tomorrow and let me know what her decision regarding going forward is."
"Knowing her, my guess is that she will continue on in the lab with you. She cares about helping others and even if she may be lukewarm about Al at this point, I don't believe that she would take away an opportunity from others if there is a chance to give someone a better quality of life. It's not in her nature. Then again, I am pretty sure she hates me and will never speak to me again, so what do I know?" Letting out a morose laugh, he mopped his gloved hand down his face.
"You know, before she left, her last words were of concern for you." His stupid stomach flipped uselessly in wasted hope.
Not knowing how to respond, he moved to sit on a bench that was next to the stairs where they were standing and put his face into his hands. He didn't know what to do to fix everything. For being so intelligent scholastically, he was lost emotionally.
Adjusting his glasses, Von spoke, "We all make mistakes-"
"I killed her parents!" The sentence burst from him like a projectile.
His father eyed him questioningly, "So you meant to hit and hurt them?"
"Of course not!" He spat.
"If Alphonse had been driving, would you think he was a killer?" The inquiry sat there between them and though he knew the answer would emphatically be no in regard to Al, he couldn't offer himself the same exoneration. "I thought not. Edward, I know that I have no right to tell you anything and I know that you believe, through my actions, that I don't care about you, but I have always been frank with you so try to trust in that right now. You have a lot of pent-up anger-" Immediately, he was cut off.
"No, I don't!" The younger man exploded.
Giving him a pointed look, he continued, "Yes, you do, and you know it. However, you are bright, strong and loyal...I look at all that you have done for Alphonse, and I am proud of you. I wish I could take credit for who you have grown to be, but I can't. What I can say is that you are not a killer, you made the best choice you could in a bad situation. And while it is awful what happened, you continuing to tear yourself down this way won't bring her parents back. Now, I think that you should have been the one to tell her, but I do see why that would have been immensely difficult for you and at this point, you can't change it. Let me ask you before I assume something incorrectly, do you love her?"
He uttered only one word in response, barely more than a whisper, "Yes."
"Are you going to do anything to show her that?"
Instead of answering him, Ed replied with a question of his own. "Did you know when I first met her, I tried to distance myself from her?" The elder man nodded his head. "Do you know why?" He seemed to consider this but kept his own counsel and shook his head. "Because I knew what any connection would cost us eventually. What could I possibly offer her except a life full of pain?"
"You know for years I would have agreed with you about avoiding love to avoid pain, in fact, the distance I kept from you and Alphonse is proof of that. When your mom passed away, I thought that there was nothing worse than the hole left behind by her absence and in some ways that is true. However, as time passed on, I realized that by cutting myself off from everything that reminded me of her, I had removed myself from everything in life that was worthwhile. I shunned anything that caused a spark in my soul, anything that could hurt me. I missed out on years and years of good moments that I should have had with the both of you because I was afraid. And in doing that, I have wasted my life. I do not want that for you, Edward. You may not like it, but you are much like I was. You tend to learn from going through things firsthand, despite that, I pray that you can learn from my mistakes and not have to make them for yourself. You deserve love and I believe you have found it; you just need to hold onto it with both hands."
This conversation had gone so far outside of the realm of anything they had ever had together that the whole experience was surreal. He wasn't even sure why he was entertaining it at all, especially being that it was with him...maybe he could sense the veracity of his words. Maybe it was that he could hear the depth of loss and regret in his voice and didn't want the same for himself, but for the first time since before the loss of his mother, he was really hearing his father. Not just actively listening so he could form a counter argument.
Again, he could only summon one word, "Okay."
Their matching golden eyes met and Hohenheim seemed to take what he inferred from the singular response and returned it in agreement. "Okay." There seemed to be a tentative peace between them, which was odd to say the least, but left him feeling more settled than he had been in days. With that, he stood from the bench to head home.
"Let me know what she decides to do?" He asked in an attempt to open the doors of communication between them willingly.
"I will do that, though I hope that you will check on her as well, even if she sends you packing the first few times. I believe that she will come around in time." Von gave him a tentative smile as he readied himself for them to part ways.
"Yeah, yeah, old man. We'll see how many times it takes." Feeling more hopeful than he had before, he decided to make a detour by Winry's to try and speak with her.
"Yes, we will. It will all work out, son." Despite habit dictating that he should snap about not having the right to call him son, he clamped his lips together and let it stand. He wasn't forgiven from one open conversation, though he couldn't bring himself to muster any ire towards him.
He was already walking away from the older man and lifted his hand in a goodbye. Though as he left, he murmured quietly, "Thank you." And headed to Winry's house.
AN2: Thank you all so much for reading and if you have a minute, please comment!