Mourning Rage
Narascha helped carry down the bodies of the murdered men and women of the Circle, both mages and templars. She did see Cullen watching her from the doorway of the main stairs with haunted eyes, and one point spotted him and Ciara speaking, then another time she saw Cullen speak to Myra who was cleaning the stairs of blood stains that soaked into the steps with Faren once the ground floor was cleaned.
She had no idea what they spoke about, but hopefully it led to something good. From what Narascha understood, Myra and Cullen cared about each other a lot.
Oddly enough it was Epona who rounded up the children in one of the large dorm rooms where the in training mages slept (after cleaning it out of course). Epona had sorted out activities for them to do, and books for them to study their spelling and physical activities for them to exercise in there while the rest of them tried to make the tower somewhat inhabitable.
It took Narascha a moment to remember that Epona was actually a mother, and that in fact, this did make sense. Epona didn't talk about her child often, to the point Narascha couldn't recall their name, not even their gender to be honest. It made her feel a little guilty, but Epona kept information on her child close to her chest. Not that Narascha blamed her. It must be difficult talking about the child she loved dearly and had to leave behind.
Narascha downed a cup of water the moment she had a chance and checked up on the others again. Epona was still keeping the children occupied, Ciara was scrubbing bedsheets, removing the blood stains on them. Myra and Faren were cleaning the stairs, and the others were all up on the next floor, cleaning the mages rooms, including Myra's. Sten wasn't impressed with the 'distraction' when they should be on their way, but Lawrien and Ciara had refused to leave until the Circle wasn't so ruined, and even Epona had said she wouldn't leave the children in such disarray.
Narascha paused when she saw Lawrien in the library, staring at the spot her grandfather figure (the man she had actually cried over, Lawrien whom Narascha had never seen cry) had laid. Narascha had brought him downstairs to the main hall where Wynne was trying to help prepare the dead for burial (the mages anyway, the templars would go to Denerim according to her to have their funerals held in the Chantry.) Narascha hesitantly approached Lawrien, unsure if she wanted company, but Lawrien waved her over when their eyes met.
"I really liked Sweeney," Lawrien said. "He was very kind, and rarely had a nasty thought in his head about someone, unless they started it. He loved his family so much. He was like a Grandpa to most of the kids here, including me."
"He sounds like a nice man," Narascha said softly.
"Yeah, I wish you all could have met him," Lawrien said, leaning against Narascha. "He would have thought you were all amazing."
"I... I don't entirely know your procedures in regard to death," Narascha admitted. "But if I can help, then I shall."
Lawrien hugged her. "Thanks, Narascha."
Narascha hugged her back. "I'm sorry this all happened, Lawrien. I really am. I wish we could have gotten here quicker."
"We didn't know this was happening, otherwise it might have turned out differently," Lawrien said, rubbing the tears out of her eyes. "But then again if we hadn't gone to Redcliffe first, then we wouldn't have met Shale, or saved Bann Teagan and the rest of the Redcliffe villagers in time. They would have been swarmed by the undead army."
Narascha sighed. "I suppose so."
"I still wish I could have done more to help with further up the tower," Myra's voice startled Narascha, and she and Lawrien glanced back to see her approach, her face grave as she stared at where they had found Sweeney. "If I had gone to the library..."
"You couldn't have known, Myra," Lawrien said softly.
"Sweeney spends all his time here," Myra said bitterly. "Of course I could have. I just..."
"You focused on those who couldn't defend themselves from demons in their bedrooms," Lawrien reminded her. "You roamed the hallways, Myra, but we both know you couldn't go too far from them otherwise your protection would be meaningless, because they would have all been slaughtered by demons."
Myra sighed softly, but managed a weak smile. "I'm not used to you being the reasonable one, Lawrien."
Lawrien laughed. "It's a skill I'm picking up as Warden Commander."
"That still terrifies me," Myra teased. "You leading the Grey Wardens of Ferelden? I'm surprised something hasn't blown up yet."
"It's not even been a year yet." Lawrien grinned. "I'm sure we'll manage to glow up a city soon enough."
"Besides, we gotta blow up the Archdemon before we destroy any cities," Narascha joked.
"True." Lawrien nodded. "Better keep to a schedule."
"I think I heard them," Wynne's voice echoed from the hallway. "I can't believe you haven't spoken to either of them yet, Irving. The girls saved the Circle-"
"I know, but Gregoir and I were deep in talk over the Circle's future and the Grey Warden treaty," Irving explained, then his face softened when he saw Lawrien.
Narascha saw the warmth on Lawrien's face die in an instant. Myra looked just as cold, and she crossed her arms as Wynne and the First Enchanter Irving appeared at the door.
"Lawrien, my dear girl," Irving called, smiling warmly, as he approached slowly. "It's so good to see you again-"
Before he could even finish Myra leapt at him and punched him right in the nose. It broke with a sickening crack, and the punch even toppled Irving, sending him crashing into the ground. Wynne cried out, racing to Irving to brace him as Myra massaged her hand, grimacing.
Narascha had grimaced too. That had not been a good punch. Okay, yes, it broke the old man's nose, but she had really hurt herself doing that. Maybe Narascha could show her how to throw a proper punch later.
"Myra!" Wynne protested.
"Never again," Myra snapped. "You hear me, Irving? You will never toy with the apprentices again! I will kill you myself if I have to!"
"Yeah, you really pissed off Myra," Lawrien said idly.
"I- What-" Irving began.
"You started all this. All these deaths are on your hands!" Myra yelled. "You toying with us like puppets. I should turn you into an ice statue!"
"Myra-" Irving looked baffled.
"I saw your journal!" Myra snarled, and pulled it out of her robes. "I have it right here." She didn't even open it, but quoted the words straight from it, which sent a chill down Narascha's spine. How many times had she read it already? "I followed another apprentice through supposed secret manoeuvrers today and exposed her tendency towards blood magic. How familiar does that sound to you?"
Irving paled and actually stepped back, but he paused when he heard movement behind him. The sound of a dagger being slowly drawn. Ciara was watching him from the shadows of the hallway, her gaze dark, and Narascha noticed that her hand was holding the same dagger she had used to slowly kill the woman who had murdered Sweeney.
"Ciara-" Wynne paled.
"Myra is speaking to you," Ciara said coldly. "It is only polite to listen to the conversation, Irving."
"The environment of the tower is such that certain modes of thought are encouraged, both for good and ill," Myra continued, prowling slowly towards Irving, her eyes locked on to him. "The students think we toy with them. The truth is far more intricate and directed. Deviant traits must be exposed early, or the whole of the Circle suffers. Uldred has been very helpful in identifying the markers to look for. His skills at misdirection are admirable. I daresay that the apprentices would be shocked at his ability to manipulate them. I must organize a retreat such that the other enchanters can benefit from his skills."
Myra was right in Irving's face now, her face livid. "Does that sound familiar to you?" Myra hissed.
"Myra... please..." Irving begged.
Lawrien scowled. "Uldred ratted out Jowan. That's how you knew about him."
Irving grimaced. "Yes. Uldred told me about Jowan. He was the one who spotted him-"
"He taught him blood magic!" Lawrien yelled. "He taught my stupid, vulnerable, scared brother blood magic to try pass his damn Harrowing, then ratted him out!"
"Jowan did decide to take the lessons, but he was used," Myra said bitterly. "What you fools have done to this Circle..."
"It has kept us safe-"
"THIS IS SAFE?!" Myra bellowed. "HUNDREDS OF US ARE DEAD AND THE NEXT GENERATION IS TRAUMATISED FOR LIFE! How are those children downstairs going to pass their Harrowings now? They'll be scarred for life! All that fear, anger and resentment will twist them and torment them for the rest of their days-" Myra's face twisted, rage darkening it. "THEY WATCHED PEOPLE DIE!"
Lawrien's fists were shaking.
"So tell me, you who is supposed to protect us, HOW ARE WE SAFE?!" Myra screamed in Irving's face. "HOW DID SACIRICING OUR OWN PEOPLE MAKE US SAFE?!"
"Myra, please, this isn't like you, please stop shouting-" Wynne pleaded.
"You're an idiot!" Myra snapped at her. "OF COURSE THIS ISN'T LIKE ME! I'VE BEEN WATCHING PEOPLE GET RIPPED APART BY DEMONS! Niall sacrificed his life to save ours. All of ours. But none of that would have been needed if you hadn't toyed with so people's lives, Irving. You thought yourself a master puppeteer, only the one who was actually pulling the strings was Uldred! You absolute fool! Do you know what you've done to this Circle? To the mages? To the Templars? To the children downstairs? THEY'RE TERRIFIED! I'M TERRIFIED!"
Myra's voice cracked at the end of her screaming, and Narascha saw the unshed tears gathering in her eyes.
Irving's face, that had been carefully blank, actually twitched at that, and he hesitantly raised his arms towards Myra.
"Myra-" he called softly.
She slapped his hands away. "I don't care how soft you are towards me and Lawrien. We aren't friends anymore. I don't look up to you anymore. You're dirt beneath my feet now. Everything I once felt towards you that was warm, is dead, cold and dead in the dirt," Myra hissed. "You, ever, ever, do this again, and I will destroy you. I wish I could do so right now, but the Circle needs stability, and you're apparently that stability, you manipulative, evil, piece of shit."
Lawrien snorted. "We should just push him out the window after Uldred."
"Then the Knight Commander will freak out," Myra huffed. "He only trusts this one." She jerked her head towards Irving. "But I have your journal, Irving, and I will be keeping it. I will keep it safe, and if you ever so much as twitch the wrong way, I will spill everything to the Templars as to what you have done-"
"That will destroy the entire Circle, not just me-" Irving protested.
"So be it."
"You can't mean that, Myra," Wynne pleaded.
"I mean every word of it," Myra said sharply. "What use is living here when the one mage leader we have, who is to lead us, to protect us, the one person who should always be on our side, is the one destroying us from the inside? Nobody is safe because of this old fool."
.:.
Ciara paused when she saw Cullen standing in the doorway nearby her, out of sight of everyone else. He looked horrified as their gazes met, but he looked surprisingly mournful at Myra's voice, and worried at the heat in it. Ciara slipped away, heading closer to Cullen, who watched her warily.
"Is this all true?" he asked quietly.
"The stuff about Irving?" Ciara asked.
"Yes."
"He wrote it all in his own journal," Ciara sighed. "So yeah, he's messed around with a lot of lives. Of course none of this was his intention, he was trying to manipulate mages to show off the best ones, and do away with the less talented of them, but Uldred was by far the better puppeteer."
"I've never heard Myra sound so angry before..." Cullen muttered.
"She watched a lot of people die, Cullen, as did you unfortunately," Ciara said softly. "I highly suggest that you two speak again. I think you both need that closure, no matter what way your talk goes. You both care for each other dearly, might I even say loved each other?"
"I don't know how I feel... she's a mage, Ciara, a dangerous mage-"
"She's a Spirit Healer," Ciara reminded him. "And you and I are dangerous too. I could have killed Irving and Wynne in a blink of an eye moments ago, but I deliberately alerted them to my presence."
"That's not the same-"
"Is it not?" Ciara smiled sharply. "They are two of the most powerful mages in this Circle, and I, a woman with a dagger, could have taken them out. I am just as dangerous as two powerful mages, if not more. Then there is the qunari in our company, Sten, he could easily slice me in half with his sword, or shatter my bones with his bare hands. Cobian Cousland could also outsmart me and have me killed, or kill me himself rather easily, then there's Torph, who could use his traps-"
"Ciara, what point are you trying to make?" Cullen asked weakly. "I can't..."
"You're a smart one, Cullen, you know the point I am making. The person behind the power they have can be dangerous, or gentle," Ciara said. "Myra, at the end of the day, is a gentle person until the ones she loves are endanger. Then she'll fight."
Ciara patted his shoulder. "Just don't dismiss everyone in your life due to fear, Cullen Rutherford. That is not a kind thing to do-"
His eyes flashed. "They don't deserve kindness-"
"I wasn't talking about the mages, your charges," Ciara cut him off, voice firm. "But in that case, they do, considering you're the one with the power to control them, but no, I meant you."
"Me?" Cullen frowned.
"Fear is a good thing to have to protect yourself, but don't let it rule your life otherwise you'll never learn to love or care for things," Ciara said. "You can trust in people, even after what happened here-"
"And what do you know about it? You weren't here!" Cullen snapped.
Ciara nodded. "I wasn't, but you weren't at Ostagar. You didn't see an entire army be slaughtered, many of them Grey Wardens who you spent months with, fighting alongside. You didn't see them get cut down, one by one, and if you need a more human perspective on it, then your family are good people."
Cullen's brow furrowed. "Of course they are."
"Mine weren't," Ciara said. "They used to beat me trying to silence me, because I was far more intelligent than their heir. I could solve problems in our documentations in seconds, while he would struggle with them. I could name all the houses and noble families in the world, and he would struggle with naming our neighbours. This earned me so many punches, so many kicks..." Ciara raised her hands, pulling off her gloves, and frowned at the small scars scattered on her skin. "I remember my hands being whipped bloody because my hand writing was neater than my brothers."
Cullen looked horrified and disgusted, his face pale, and his own hands shaking.
"Then I refused to be married off. I would chase off my suitors, and they would beat me even more for it. I was always black and blue, and always suffered from a broken bone or two," Ciara said. "Three grown men, hitting me all the time, and my mother too, only my little brother didn't hurt me. He tried to protect me, and they hurt him for it too."
Cullen's face fell even further at that.
"They finally ended up throwing me to the Chantry in order to get rid of me because they couldn't match me up with someone," Ciara said. "And there I met Lawrien, Myra, Jowan and Anders, and I trusted them with everything, and despite what Jowan did, how stupid he is, I still trust him in a way too..."
"How?" Cullen shook his head. "He's a blood mage!"
"Yet he hadn't killed anyone with it when he escaped the tower when he easily could have. He could have killed us and used that blood magic to puppeteer Lily into joining him on the run, but he didn't," Ciara said. "Honestly, I think he's just been the same child who was terrified of so many things when we were kids. He was scared of storms, and I one time found him curled up under the stairs late at night during a very bad storm, when everyone was supposed to be in bed... we ended up huddled under the stairs the entire night..."
Ciara shook her head. "What I'm trying to get at is that this isn't the end of the road for you. You have so much waiting in the future, so many better things, even if there will still be tough times. All you need to do is continue forward, even if you're angry and bitter for a long time, that is fine. It's understandable. You went through hell, Cullen, but don't give up on everyone at the same time. There are some amazing people in this world, and honestly, Myra is one of them."
"Not Lawrien?" Cullen asked, his voice sour.
"She's not the want you need right now," Ciara said. "Not unless you want someone beaten up at least."
"I wouldn't mind seeing Irving beaten up," Cullen grumbled.
"I wouldn't either."