Chapter 22: Eeth

Lok's outburst took Eeth by surprise. He could deal with teenage rebelliousness, surliness, disrespect, disobedience – but this? Obviously Lok had no idea how to react either; he took one wide-eyed look at his master's face and ran. Out of reflex, Eeth called after him; but he suppressed his urge to run after Lok, grab him and, well, swat him because he honestly had no idea whether a padawan who yelled that he hated him ought to be swatted, comforted, dragged to see his soul healer or left alone.

He urgently needed to talk to someone. He needed advice.

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"It is not funny," he told Lakhri severely.

"Sorry," said Lakhri, trying hard, and failing, to sound apologetic and keep his amusement in check. "It's just… Force, Eeth, the boy is thirteen! I don't know how many times I felt like yelling 'I hate you' when I was that age!"

Eeth frowned. "I was not aware of that," he said.

"Well, I never worked up the courage to actually do it," Lakhri pointed out. "It wouldn't have been worth the ass-kicking I would have gotten in return."

Eeth's frown deepened. "I grant you I might not have handled things very well with you," he said, "and I might have given you ample reason to hate me. With Lok, however, I feel I have more of an effort to take into account his emotional needs. Do you think it might not have been sufficient?"

Lakhri sighed. "You don't get the point," he said. "I didn't say I hated you. I said I felt like yelling 'I hate you.' These are different things. I didn't hate you, and I'm sure neither does Lok."

Now Eeth was really confused, and that was a feeling he was unaccustomed to.

"Why would you have wanted to yell that you hate me if you did not hate me?" he inquired. "This makes no sense to me."

"I hate to break it to you," Lakhri said, a slight grin reappearing on his face, "but we're talking emotions here. Feelings. And possibly hormones as well."

"So?" Eeth asked impatiently.

"So you yell 'I hate you' when you're angry with someone and want to hurt them," Lakhri said. "And obviously, it worked. Don't pretend it didn't upset you."

Eeth hesitated for a moment, then admitted: "You are right. It did upset me. Why was he angry with me, though?"

"You mean, besides the obvious?" Lakhri asked cheekily.

Eeth raised his eyebrows. "If you mean by 'obvious' the fact that he was punished for his gross disobedience during our mission," he said, "then this is neither a good reason for him to be angry with me, nor is it characteristic for Lok to be angry over such things. He responds well to having his boundaries enforced. Lately, though, he has been disgruntled with a lot of things I said or did, and most of them did not involve discipline."

"Hmm," said Lakhri, thinking.

Eeth hesitated for a moment, then asked: "Suppose he yelled 'I hate you' because he does, after all … hate me?"

Lakhri rolled his eyes. "Now you're being silly," he said.

"I am not," Eeth said with dignity. "Or what do you think people who really hate someone would yell?"

Lakhri flung up his hands.

"Force, I don't go around hating people," he pointed out. "I can hardly claim to be an expert. But I'd take any bet they don't content themselves with yelling and storming out on you. Now can we get back to the important stuff?"

"I was merely mentioning a possible reason for Lok to yell that he hates me," Eeth pointed out.

"Eeth!" Lakhri exclaimed, in a tone of voice that was so exasperated that it bordered on a reprimand. "Will you take my word for it that Lok does not, I repeat: NOT, hate you? Me being a certified expert on not hating people?"

Eeth blinked, at a loss for words. He did not think Lakhri had ever used that tone of voice on him before.

"Thank you," Lakhri said, taking his silence for an answer. "Now. You said this is not because of his punishment?"

"I do not think so," said Eeth, frowning. "He has been irritable even before our mission, and – well, you were there. You saw what he was like during the mission."

"Yes, I did," Lakhri agreed. "Fairly obnoxious was what he was like, and most of it was focussed on you. I see what you mean."

"He came home, ignored me and missed out on lunch, for no apparent reason," Eeth said. "This makes no sense."

"Well, he is a teenager," Lakhri reminded him. "They do things that make no sense at times, just to show the adults how aggravating they find them. I'm also wondering… no. Well, yes. But first, tell me you won't scoff at this."

"I will never scoff at anything you say," Eeth said solemnly. "After all, I came to you for advice."

"Alright," said Lakhri, running his hands across his face as if trying to gather his thoughts. "It's like this. I've sometimes felt that, when a master finds a padawan and they start living together, it's a bit as if, in the outside world, people who have fallen in love move in with each other, only a lot more sudden. You start out by thinking the world of the other person, and are all thrilled about this new step in your life. Okay, maybe not you, but most people. Then, they live with each other and see each other every day, morning, noon and night. And they start to notice small things that bother them, and the other person just keeps doing these things and it gets aggravating and grates on your nerves. To a certain extent, this is probably what happens with all new master-padawan teams, only for Lok it must have been much worse because he had just got used to a different master, and then that master dies and you come along with all your mannerisms."

"What mannerisms?" asked Eeth, completely astonished.

Lakhri chuckled. "Aww, come on. You have any number of mannerisms. Don't tell me you didn't know that."

"No, I did not," Eeth said truthfully. "I know I have a reputation for being strict, but I do not think that this is what you mean. Was there anything else about my behaviour or speech that you found aggravating when you became my padawan?"

"Oh yes, loads of little things," Lakhri said immediately. "For example, the way you always called me 'padawan' and never by my first name. And you always talk so formally - you hardly ever deign to use contractions when you talk. The way your hair is always impeccable even at six thirty in the morning. Force, you are always so damn perfect! All these little things could be mightily annoying at times."

Eeth frowned. "You never told me so," he said.

"Well, you weren't exactly inviting shows of confidence," Lakhri pointed out. "And besides, I got used to it, and eventually I even grew to like these things about you. They are simply what you are, and I wouldn't want you any other way now. This is what usually happens, I think; Lok will just need time to get over it. Don't forget that his master's death is still very fresh."

"There is not a day on which I forget about that," Eeth said. "However, it has also become very clear that Lok does not wish preferential treatment because of that fact, nor does it do him any good."

"Fair enough," said Lakhri. "Deal with him however you think you should. But I think it would be a good idea to talk to him first. The two of you need to sort these things out."

"Do you think he will want me to seek him out?" Eeth inquired. On emotional territory, he was not feeling very confident.

Lakhri raised his eyebrows. "Eeth, you're the adult here," he said. "It's your job to seek him out. And, yes, I think he will be waiting for you. People who yell such stuff at other people usually want attention. They don't want to be ignored."

Eeth rose.

"Alright," he said. "Since you are the expert on emotional issues here, I will take your word for it."

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Having rung the doorbell to Gwened's quarters, Eeth waited. And waited. He thought he heard sounds of squabbling behind the door, but the Temple doors were nearly soundproof; he could not be sure.

Finally, the door opened, revealing both Gwened and Lok; Lok looked as if he'd rather be somewhere else.

"Gwened," Eeth said quietly. "Padawan – Lok. We need to talk."

Lok frowned. "Talk, yeah," he muttered.

"Yes, talk," Eeth said firmly. "In the conventional sense of the word, where you say things and I say things. There is no need to act as if I do not know the concept. We have done it before. Come."

Lok sighed. "Alright," he said unenthusiastically. "Thanks, Gwened."

"You're welcome," she said softly, hugging him. "It's going to be alright, Lok."

Lok looked unconvinced, but he did follow Eeth into the corridor.

"Have you eaten?" asked Eeth. It was nearing dinnertime and having that conversation on an empty stomach would probably not be conducive to Lok's mood.

"Since when do you care whether I've eaten?" asked Lok, rather aggressively.

Eeth stopped.

"I have always cared, and you know it," he said calmly, but with a hint of steel that indicated he was not going to take much more of this. "I care enough to cook you meals, after all. You were the one who gave the impression of not caring, not me. Now, lose the attitude and tell me whether you have eaten. The question should be simple enough to answer."

"Gwened has made me sandwiches," Lok replied in a considerably less aggressive voice, after a pause. "But I'm still hungry. Or again."

Eeth nodded. "Alright," he said. "I saved you your lunch. We will go home and have our talk over dinner, then. I do not want you to keep snapping at me just because you are hungry."

Lok was silent on the way home, and so was Eeth. When they had entered their quarters, Eeth said: "I will heat dinner. Could you set the table?"

Lok nodded reluctantly. Ten minutes later, they were seated, each with a plate of spicy vegetable casserole and a loaf of freshly baked bread before them.

"And when," asked Lok half-warily, half-sullenly, "comes the part where you come down on me for yelling at you and running out on you?"

Eeth paused for a moment. Then he said: "Tell me honestly, padawan. Did my behaviour towards you make it so hard to believe that I am capable of simply talking to you, as opposed to scolding or disciplining you? Do you truly think reprimands are the only form of expression that I am capable of? Or are you merely trying to provoke me? If it is the latter, I have to admit I am getting a bit tired of this. It tends to make our conversations go in circles."

Judging from the look on Lok's face, he had scored a point. Lok looked at his plate for a moment, then looked up again.

"Sorry," he said, and it truly sounded apologetic. "I keep doing this and I don't even know why. I'm finding myself annoyed at a lot of things you do and say for no obvious reason. And I'm aware how obnoxious that must be to you."

"Whether or not it is obnoxious is hardly the point," Eeth said quietly. "It is puzzling, and a little worrying."

Lok's cheeks flushed a little. "Just for the record, I don't actually hate you," he mumbled.

Eeth was glad that Lakhri had been right, but decided not to divulge the fact that he had discussed Lok's behaviour with the man; he was not sure how that information would go over.

"That is good to know," Eeth said wryly. "Having to live with a master you hate would probably not be helpful."

Lok's cheeks flushed a little darker red. Eeth sensed that he wanted to say more and was gathering the courage to do so. Therefore, he remained silent and ate some casserole, waiting.

"Gwened," Lok finally said, "Gwened thinks that I might be angry with you for not being Jerad. And I think there is some truth to it. I'm sorry for the awful way in which I behaved towards you. Really, I am, but I just don't seem to be able to stop myself."

He swallowed, staring at his spoon intently.

"You really deserve better," he whispered, and Eeth realised he was blinking back tears.

He rose, walked around the table and rested his hands on Lok's shoulders.

"I have told you before that having you as my padawan is no more of a challenge than I can handle," he said gently. "And I would not want any other padawan. The Force has led you to me for a reason. I have not believed for a moment that it would be easy, taking care of a boy who is grieving for his former master. Nor have I doubted for a moment that this is what I need to do, both for your sake – and for mine. You are not a burden to me, Lok. You have become a very welcome and important part of my life, and the unsurprising fact that it takes you more than a few weeks to get over your master's death does not change anything about this."

Lok's shoulders started to tremble. And then he jumped up, hugged Eeth fiercely and started to cry into his robes.

An hour later, the tears had dried, dinner had been eaten, and Lok and Eeth were sitting on the couch, Lok leaning into Eeth's shoulder.

"Oh, by the way: the next time you feel like yelling at me, you take a deep breath and release your negative emotions into the Force," Eeth said, a tad sternly. "Or, if you find yourself unable to do that, you ask for help. If you just give in to your aggressions like that again, there will be trouble."

Lok sighed. "Yeah. I actually still can't believe I got away with screaming at you without getting swatted. I mean, let's face it, I was a pain in the ass."

"You are not going to get away with it a second time," Eeth assured him. "That much is certain. And I am not even sure it is wise of me to let you get away with it this time. Lenience does not generally work well for you."

"That's probably true," Lok said ruefully. He paused for a moment, then asked: "Why do you let me get away with it? I mean, not that I'm complaining or anything…"

"Padawan, I am not an ogre," said Eeth patiently. "You were distraught. This had been building up for a long time. And we needed to have this talk. What you need now is not punishment; what you need is to meditate a lot more often than you used to. You need to deal with your emotions, and meditation is the Jedi way to do so. Therefore, we will add at least one additional meditation to your daily schedule, after lunch, and more when I say so."

Lok groaned. "Great," he said. "'You will do extra meditations, but, no, I'm not punishing you.' How typical." There was no venom in his statement, though.

"Extra meditations are not a punishment," Eeth said mildly. "They will help you feel less volatile. And I am talking out of experience here. You are not the first padawan to have that problem, after all. Being spanked on a daily basis for pointless temper tantrums would be the less desirable option for dealing with that, I presume."

Lok gave the impression of wanting to object. But he did not. Instead, he yawned. "Yes, master," he said demurely. He snuggled a bit closer to Eeth and his eyes dropped shut. Eeth shifted slightly to put his arm around him. Ten minutes later, Lok was deep asleep.