125: Clawing our way up to Zero

Alter Ego

"Well? What do you want to do about this?" Echidna asks.

"...Huh?" I ask.

Somehow, I've found myself at the witch's tea party again. Usually I have to enter on purpose, but there is a provision in our contract that allows her to call me in during an emergency. But I can't really understand the emergency. After all, that guy…

"Come to think of it…" I look away, gritting my teeth. "Do we have to do it this way? I know… up until now I've been dead set on this possession plan, but…"

…The truth is, I hadn't considered a peaceful option. This whole time, I had worked under the assumption that a fight between us was inevitable. I know what kind of lonely, hideous monster I am.

But I didn't account for him.

I've been going on and on about replacing him up to this point, but…

I can't do that. Obviously I can't. There's no possible way for me to measure up. I can try a million times and I'll just mess up and ruin it again.

No, exactly because I'll try a million times, I'll ruin everything. The friendship and trust that Stede has given me, the love and affection that Medea has given me… just how many millions of times have I thrown those feelings away at this point?

Did I tell Medea I loved her, this time around?

"Hello?"

Probably not. Those feelings… already faded more than ten thousand loops ago. Since then, I've just been going through the motions. For the sake of the countless iterations of her that I did love, who I erased with my own hands.

"Hellooooo? Are you just going to ignore me!?"

Finally, I notice the Witch shaking my shoulders. "Sorry, I was lost in thought."

"Goodness… you really need to pay better attention. You can't just ignore a cute, beautiful girl when she's right in front of you. Especially not in such a dangerous moment as this!" Echidna huffs. "Especially not to think about someone else! Can't you at least hold me tightly now of all times?"

"...My bad," I say, sighing. "So? What's the big problem, exactly?"

"Wow!? Isn't that just cruel? Or- don't tell me, you really didn't notice?" Her face shifts to total shock. "I understand it was an emotional moment, but that doesn't excuse you failing to even realize that he broke my crystal just now!"

"...Oh." Ain't that bad!?

"Yes, 'oh'! So with that in mind, I've slowed down our perception of time a bit, but you really need to decide what we're going to do quickly, before Satella locks this in." She says. "Luckily we're not that short on options - the easiest is, you can just kill yourself before I finish disappearing. The normal you wouldn't be able to, but the extra speed you got from Angra Mainyu can manage it."

Why!? Why the hell would he do this? Was all that sympathy, were all those tears, just an act?

"Secondly, we've got the option of just directly absorbing me into your Spirit Origin," The Witch continues. "Well, if we do that, I don't know whether the 'Echidna' inside you would end up being me or the original Witch of Greed, and that might also stand a chance of turning you into a woman or something strange like that. I understand you've crossdressed once or twice in the past, but I don't believe your hobby extends quite that far, so as interesting as it would be, that option seems a little risky."

Doesn't he understand that without Echidna, I-

"Third and finally, we still have my preferred option. I mentioned it before, but the ability of the Demon Pillars to propagate endlessly should be enough to allow you to create a whole new body for me using Zepar's existence as a model. I understand that there's the risk that he could try to possess me, but I really think that isn't as big of an issue as you believe. Any branches off of the Zepar within you should be just as mentally broken as yours, and furthermore I believe even if I did receive a fully intact Demon Pillar I would be more than capable of breaking their will on my own. I understand that there's also the issue of the Witch of Envy, but if she does come after us for this, we can just default back to Plan A. Really, there aren't any risks to speak of, and the benefits are countless. I know you've turned down my offers of physical companionship in the past, but if I had a real body I'm certain it would be considerably better. And, of course, when you need to Return by Death I can assist you with it, no questions asked. In fact, if we set it up correctly, we can probably even make it so that I actually remember previous loops, since I would become 'Zepar' and Zepar is 'Natsuki Subaru'. Really, I might even be able to Return by Death myself, which would give us an unspeakably huge advantage. If there is a limit on Return by Death that sent us here, then by doing this we would essentially produce an entire extra set of lives so that we could better perfect solutions - actually, come to think of it, there's nothing saying we need to stop at creating one copy of me, so if we create enough we would essentially have infinite lives. By that point, you wouldn't even be required to die anymore and you could just live happily ever after while I solve everything for you. Ah, if you're at all worried, please don't, there's no way I could get rid of you, since at the end of the day Return by Death would still only work because of you. I wouldn't abandon you, in fact considering that I could make so many copies of myself, I could even model some to your preference, and you could simply get rid of them when you got bored, since they would all be me anyway. You wouldn't have to feel guilty like you do about Rem, Emilia, Beatricem, or Medea - not that I'm implying you fell out of love with Rem, you've been curiously persistent in that attachment - but as for the others, the fact is that you couldn't maintain your relationship with any of them over so many loops, but obviously that wouldn't be a problem with me-"

Oh.

"Echidna, shut up," I snap, my fist starting to clench by habit.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I went into chatterbox mode again…" She says with her usual false embarrassment that just makes me want to hit her even more. "I really can't help it when I get talking. The truth is, even though people say I don't understand emotions, that doesn't mean I don't have emotions of my own, and I'm very prone to excitement-

"I know, so shut up!" Just how long have I been contracted to you, woman!? I raise my fist, and-

No, stop. Don't let her distract you.

…Right, I understand now.

"Echidna," I say, forcing myself to lower my fist. "You promised me perfect results, but his results are better. Do you have any excuse for that? No… I actually don't care so much about it, except… was it on purpose?"

She's quiet for a moment, staring back into my eyes as I search her face for just one, just a single sign of guilt.

I find none.

"...That's difficult to answer," She finally says. "I promised perfect results… but not perfect results in the smallest number of loops."

"Yeah. I already figured that part out a while ago, but since it was just me being hurt, I decided it was fine," I admit. "Seeing him… I think I was wrong to decide that, but I've made my peace with it at this point. Just… everything else. Did you know that I was going to burn all of my relationships to the ground by doing this."

"...Haven't you already been told many times by this point?" She asks simply. "I don't understand the human heart."

"...I see," I say as I stand up and slide my chair back under the table, and she does the same. "In that case…"

"Do you think you would be better off without me?" She asks, drawing close and gazing up to meet my eyes. "Surely you understand by now how worthless you are on your own, Subaru."

"Yeah. But right now, I'm even less than worthless," I say. "...This is goodbye, Echidna."

"...I see. There's no changing your mind, is there? Why must love always fade…" She says, eyes scanning my face before finally a smile that makes me want to puke stretches across her face. "I suppose this is interesting too, in its own way."

She leans forward, and just this once, I don't try to avoid it. "Farewell then, Natsuki Subaru."

Our last kiss tastes of faded flowers and dust.

Snap.

I'm sorry.

Snap.

I was wrong.

Snap.

I am worthless. I was always worthless.

Snap.

I'll never try to get away again, so please, Echidna.

Snap.

Please, tell me the answer!

Snap.

But there is no answer. The moment she died, the reset point was moved. The moment the reset point was moved, this hell was locked in stone. Even if I don't even bother to possess Natsuki Subaru. Even if I retain my might as a Servant.

Snap.

I will never make it in time.

Snap.

Natsuki Subaru

I stare at the fallen form of 'Natsuki Subaru'. Still collapsed. Still totally void of emotion. Still broken.

It moved.

Of course it moved.

Echidna, who used [Return by Death] to the very ends of her pleasure - there can't have been anyone in this singularity Satella wanted dead more than her.

It's only natural that she would move it.

The death of Nobunaga, whatever state my friends were left in after my absence - I just locked it in with my own hands. And the guy I wanted to save, has collapsed in despair at the loss of the one person who was with him through subjective centuries of trials and tribulations.

I'm an idiot. I know I'm an idiot.

"-But, I can't just give up with this," I mutter. "[Cor Leonis]."

If I can take on some of his despair, then maybe, just maybe -

Die die die die die die nothing no hope there is no salvation die die suffer die help help help help help me help me not on my own I can't do this on my own please please please answer me help die help help-!

I vomit as his feelings wash over me.

He mumbles, pitifully. "Me…dea."

But that's when I feel it. At the edge of my awareness, a little ways down the beach, my Authority detects the unmistakable presence of Oda Nobunaga.

It feels wrong. Something feels so terribly wrong, as I sprint, stumbling, through down the windy, sand-swept beach. Despite all of the hope I'm feeling that Gudaguda particles or whatever will have bailed me out, somehow I know. I know that what I see here will only deepen my anguish.

Finally I see them. The first, that super cute blue-haired elf girl from before, Medea - really, looking at her I can basically confirm that Jason deserved everything he got, because come on- but that's beside the point. The point is, she's injured. Terribly so, every limb twisted at a different angle, with blood oozing from her mouth as she tries to speak. "S-subaru, sama?"

Then, with a sickening crack, the second presence snaps her neck and drops her, lifeless, to the ground, revealing itself as drops of rain begin to plop down onto the sand again.

A twisted creature, with no head. On the lower body, I can still make out the pants and boots of my Archer, but above the waistline, she has transformed. A hulking mass of muscle covered in purple scales has taken the place of her upper body, with burly, fin-lined arms. And, on the center of the torso, a familiar orange-eyed, fish-like face sneers at me.

"...Dagon," I scowl.

"As I have declared… you remain accursed."

"This is… one of the 'headless men?'" I ask, brandishing the arm with my single Command Spell. As expected of Sensei, even something like this was in the [Okeanos Doom Packet]. "I think they were called Blemmyes, right?" Well, I think there's also some Youkai that looks similar, but considering this guy's nature-

"Its model was a vengeful spirit that once haunted the Nile," He snarls. "Thus, by my authority to create Water Monsters-"

"You used what was left of Nobunaga and yourself to create one last monster," I sigh as the sky, already lit only by the stars, grows darker and darker. "...I wonder how long that guy was trying to save her?"

He spoke her name, just now, after all. At first I thought it was the loss of Echidna, but… to be honest I can't imagine their relationship was very good. No, I'm sure by this point he had to be aware she was actively using him, that he had signed up for a life that was hell on Earth. But he was too scared to move on. Someone just needed to step in to break him free.

That's why I destroyed that crystal, after all.

Anyway, what broke him just now… had to be this. The monster, waiting with his friend captive to kill her in front of him for the express purpose of making him miserable. He must have tried thousands of times - but, no matter what he did, as long as he was on his own… he would never be able to make it in time to save Medea.

Barusu was in this singularity for a much longer time than anyone else, subjectively. Even putting aside whatever he was throwing at me, he had to have died an insane number of times just to even get Heracles into his Reality Marble. The amount of time he was spending with that girl…

Well, if you consider that I appear to have a thing for both 'affectionate blue-haired girls' and 'cute silver-haired elf girls', an 'affectionate blue-haired elf girl' falls completely into the established range of girls Barusu could fall for. Putting aside his total incompetence in interpersonal relationships, he was probably head over heels for her, even if he didn't want to admit it. Mhm, mhm, as his older brother, I'm rooting for him.

Why am I the older one? Well, he's less wise, and I've got three extra months of real-time experience on him from my return to Earth. Time loops don't count.

"Cease your insufferable smirking. Will you call your servant to your side, or not?"

"I won't," I say with a smirk. This command spell is going to serve a different purpose.

"...Then perish." A bolt of lightning tears through my chest.

I don't want to make a habit of it, but… dying to save myself doesn't feel that bad.

Soul-crushing despair flows over me again, but this time I'm ready, and I don't vomit as I dump a bucket of cold water over Barusu's insensate face.

"Wake up, stupid little brother, and make a contract with me! We're saving your girlfriend!" I shout.

"...What?" He mutters dully.

"I said, make a contract with me, dumbass! You're a Servant, aren't you?" I say. "We're gonna go save Jason's cute ex-wife that you've clearly got a crush on!"

"A 'crush'? You goddamn… no," He starts to get ready to start up a shouting match before he exhales and flops onto his back. "Saving her is already… impossible. Just how many millions of times do you think I… dammit. Why… why the hell did you have to get rid of Echidna!?"

"M-millions!?" Are you stupid? "And did you actually ask me for help a single time? Or did you run off half-cocked like an idiot!?"

"Ask for- what would be the point? Even if I run as fast as I can, I won't make it." He mumbles. "Echidna might have thought of something, but my plans are always useless. I understand what you were trying to do, but… you shouldn't pity a guy like me. I'm not even worthless. I'm worse than worthless. I'm a useless bastard who can't do anything right, who sabotages his friends' lives because a witch he knows is using him said to!"

…

"...It's your win," He admits. "I can't do anything on my own. I would have ruined everything anyway, so this is for the best-"

"Of course you can't do anything on your own!" I say, rolling my eyes. "When the hell did you get the idea that you were supposed to do things on your own? That's not our specialty. So, since you've got me for backup - stand up."

"..."

"Stand up."

"I can't anymore. I ruined everything. Not just my friends - I can't even save yours now. Alcides isn't listening to me anymore," He says.

"Stand up," I say, biting back my own feelings.

"And even before this… back home, it was all ruined. Garfiel and Beatrice… you managed to work things out with them, right? But they both hate me. I thought I could solve that, if I reset enough but… that's stupid, right?"

I figured as much, to be honest. Neither of them would have let him get this bad. "Yeah, it's stupid. Now, stand up."

"And then Emilia, and Reinhard… I think there's something wrong with both of them, but I'm too stupid to understand it. Or really, I didn't really see them changing like a normal person would see it, so I don't even understand the first thing of how to fix it - no, in the first place, me, fixing people!? There's not a chance!"

What, Reinhard joined his camp? No, let's ignore that for now. "Yeah, that's stupid. Now, stand up."

"...Why are you so damn annoying." He mumbles.

"Older brother privilege. Now, stand up."

"No, I forgot earlier, but in what way are you older!?" He finally shouts as he sits up and points at me - okay, good enough.

I grab his outstretched hand and pull him up to his feet. "There you go, you're standing."

He sighs. "You're not even listening to me."

"Sure I was. You're worse than worthless, can't fix a damn thing, and you're just incredibly stupid to boot. So what?" I grin and point at myself. "I'll let you in on a secret - I, your wise older brother, was also useless and stupid in the past!"

"We're not brothers, and if we were, I'd be older!" He shouts as he pulls his hand out of my grip.

"...The point is, let's do our best to fix this. It won't be perfect, but it'll be something. I don't care how firmly your life is buried in the negatives. I came down here to get you, and I'm not going to stop until we've clawed our way all the way back up to zero."

He breathes in, sighs - and punches me in the stomach.

"Ow, what the hell!?" I thought that was a good speech!

"I can't believe you had the gall to plagiarize Rem to me - no, actually, that 'stand up' thing you kept repeating, was that her too!? You had the same damn lilt in your voice for that!" He shouts.

"Geh." He caught me. I should have stolen from Otto instead. "You said you didn't remember her voice-"

"I at least remember that moment!" He says, facepalming.

I examine him for a moment. "...Still, you seem a bit more cheerful now."

Barusu shakes his head and shrugs. "Sure. What the hell. I ask of you, are you my Master?"

"Yeah," I answer with a grin. "I guess I am."

"...By the way, now that I think about it, I don't actually want to call you Barusu forever, so what do you think about 'Rigel'?"

"I get that I'm technically the fake, so I'll accept a nickname, but can we at least stick to something Japanese?"

A/N:

This is technically a greatly expanded second half of the previous chapter. That one will be cut accordingly. The second half of the previous one was rushed and kind of ruined the emotional beat.

Should this one also be cut in half?

...possibly.