Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the triplets now middle school aged. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany rebuffs an advance by Daryl in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out at the park with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' people with visible disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Timmy making out with Q Ruttheimer while three girls are practically throwing themselves at Tommy. Final shot is Quinn, Jim and the triplets standing on the front lawn and then being joined by the rest of the regular cast. They all smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
this episode:
"When Tony Comes Marching Home"
written by
WildDogJJ
Act I...
Sloane Mansion, day...
Sandi, Quinn, Stacy and Nicole were gathered in one of the mansion's many sitting rooms having a discussion. While Sandi carried herself with a regal, commanding presence, the other three women looked uncomfortable. The discomfort was due to this get together starting to feel a lot like a Fashion Club meeting despite the club having long been disbanded and all four of them now being married forty-somethings with kids. Nicole wasn't even a member back in high school, having not met any of them until college. Not to mention the fact that Tiffany's not present on account of having died in an explosion two years ago (that she herself actually caused by smoking in front of leaky propane tanks).
"So," said Sandi, "I propose that we contribute to this year's Veterans Day parade. All in favor?"
"Sandi," said Quinn, "We're not in Fashion Club, or even high school, anymore. We don't have to put things to a vote."
"I agree with Quinn," added Stacy, "I mean, I'm forty-one, married with two kids and a news anchor to boot."
Added Nicole, "Not to mention that I'm turning forty-two in a few days. I run my own social media business and have a husband and a twelve-year-old daughter. Also, since Jamie's a war veteran making a contribution to the Veterans Day parade was something I was gonna do anyway."
Sandi fell back on some old, bad habits. "Tiffany, dear..."
"I'm not Tiffany," Nicole interrupted in a frosty tone, "Or do we Asians really do all look alike to white people."
Quinn immediately tried to ease the tension.
"Take it easy, Nicole. Sandi and Tiffany were especially close back in the day, so of course Sandi sees her in other Asians. She didn't mean anything just now." Quinn then cast a stern glance at Sandi. "Right, Sandi?"
Sandi defiantly folded her arms.
"Gee, Kuh-winn, are you implying that I'm...racist?"
"Oh, Sandee, no," said Quinn with an eyeroll, "I'm just saying that maybe you haven't fully accepted that Tiffany's dead. Also, we're not in high school anymore. We don't have to treat you like the queen bee."
"I see," said a hostile Sandi, "Then perhaps YOU should be..."
"Sandi," Quinn hissed, "The Fashion Club's long gone. You're no longer President and I'm no longer Vice President."
Added Stacy, "Yeah, let's stop acting like that's still a thing."
Sandi was about to lay into her friends but instantly thought better about it.
"Very well," said a defeated Sandi, "but that doesn't mean we can't collaborate on things. We may no longer be the most attractive and popular girls at Lawndale High, but we are all still respected pillars of the community."
Things proceeded smoothly after that.
Casa Carbone, that evening...
Jim was in the kitchen serving dinner to the triplets. As he served shrimp alfredo over linguine, he looked at the clock.
"Jeez, where's your mother?"
Teddy immediately jumped at the opportunity.
"Either Mom's having an affair, or Mrs. Sloane turned the girls-afternoon into a hostile debate."
It was at this point that they heard the front door opened. A few seconds later, Quinn entered the kitchen.
"Sorry I'm late, guys. Sandi turned our get-together into a business meeting that ran late."
"It's the latter," Teddy quipped.
"Mom," said Timmy, "are you cheating on Dad?"
Quinn's eyes went wide.
"What!? I'd never do that to your father! Where'd you get such a ridiculous idea?"
"Ask Teddy," said Jim in a sardonic tone.
Quinn looked at Teddy.
"You made a remark that your brother took literally, didn't you?"
"Yeah," said Tommy, "what a loser."
"You know," said Teddy, "I'm not the one who's gonna peak in high school, marry the girl I knocked up on prom night and end up just like Mr. Thompson."
"Shut up, brain," Tommy fired back.
"BOYS," Jim barked, "Can we have at least one dinner where you aren't sniping at each other?"
All three boys shut up. Jim then turned his attention to Quinn.
"So, what happened?"
Quinn explained. "Sandi roped us all into helping out with this year's Veterans Day parade. I think she just wants to polish up her public image and decided to make the rest of us do the work."
"How are you contributing," Jim asked.
Quinn sat down at the table and explained.
"I'm making a parade float depicting our soldiers saving lives."
Jim loved the sound of that.
"Great! I'll be happy to build the thing for you."
"That's the idea," said Quinn, "On that note, I need to borrow your father's war medals. I wanna use them to decorate some of the mannequins on the float."
"That'll work," said Jim as he whipped out his I-Phone and dialed a number. He listened to the ring tone until...
"I'm sorry, but the number you've tried to reach is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again."
Assuming he'd dialed the wrong number, Jim tried again but got the same result.
"Weird, Dad's home number seems to no longer be in service. I'll try his cell."
Jim tried Tony's cell phone. Unfortunately...
"We're sorry, but this account has been terminated."
Jim hung up and looked more than a little put off.
"Dad changed all of his phone numbers! What the hell's up with that!?"
Pay Day Wholesale Club, the next day...
Quinn and Jim were in the building materials aisle getting supplies with which to make the parade float. Jim talked to his wife as he loaded some plywood on the bulk cart.
"...so after I called Chris I tried Uncle Vito. Apparently, Dad changing both his home and cell numbers is news to them as well."
"Well," said Quinn, "We'd better find a way to reach him fast, because I need those medals in order for this float idea to work."
Just then, they both heard a familiar voice barking orders in the next aisle.
"Come on, woman, put yer goddamn back into it!"
"What the hell," said Quinn, "Jim, that sounded like..."
"I heard it too," said Jim as he and Quinn went to the next aisle, which was baby supplies.
Sure enough, there was Tony. He was barking orders at his thirty-something trophy wife, Jennifer, as she carried a large pack of fresh diapers in one arm and their one-year-old son GJ in the other.
"Goddamn," said Tony, "I can't believe how many diapers we go through. GJ's a regular shit machine."
"Sir, yes, sir," said Jennifer in a voice that oozed exhaustion.
"Dad," said Jim as he and Quinn approached.
"Bad Jim," said Tony in surprised, "Insubordinate Slut!? What are you guys doing here!?"
"I could ask you the same question," said Jim, "I've been trying to reach you since last night, but both your house and cell numbers are disconnected...and what have I told you about calling my wife an insubordinate slut!?"
"Jennifer and I are up here in Lawndale, stayin' at the local VFW," said Tony, "GJ likes it there."
"What's wrong with the VFW in Newport News," asked Jim.
"Remember Sgt. Franks," said Tony, "One of my old war buddies from 'Nam. Wanted to show off little GJ to him and he's part of the Lawndale chapter."
"Why didn't you call and tell us you were coming up from Virginia," asked Jim.
"'Cause I only told the people I actually give a rats ass about, ya waste o' man-juice," Tony defiantly spat.
Quinn spoke up. "Since you're here, Tony, I was..."
Tony interrupted her.
"QUIET, WOMAN! Men are talking!"
Quinn folded her arms and let out a frustrated sigh.
"You know, Dad," said Jim, "That still doesn't explain why both your cell and land lines are disconnected."
Tony angrily got in his son's face.
"I don't have to tell yas anything, pansy ass! Do I make myself clear?"
"But, Dad..."
"DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, YA SPINELESS FREEDOM-HATING SISSY!?"
"Yes," said Jim with a defeated sigh.
"Both of yas do yourselves a favor," said Tony, "Forget ya saw me!"
Without waiting for a response, Tony stormed off with Jennifer and the baby in tow.
Once alone, Jim and Quinn exchanged glances.
"Well, that was weird," said Jim.
"Yeah," Quinn agreed, "But I wouldn't care if I didn't need your father's war medals to make the parade float."
"Well," said Jim with defeat in his voice, "Given how this conversation went, fat chance of that happening now."
Quinn's inner Helen emerged.
"Jim, I need those war medals, and I WILL get your father to let me borrow them."
"How," asked Jim, "He just told me, his own son, off for asking a simple question and it's no secret that he hates you even more than he does me."
"Oh," said Quinn in a sly tone, "I have my ways."
Lawndale Chapter of the VFW, the next day...
Quinn was walking down the hallway with a box of cigars that she intended to give to Tony as a peace offering. She shuddered at the prospect of having to make nice with her misogynistic father-in-law.
It's for a good cause, Quinn, she silently reminded herself, you can do this.
With that, she approached a door.
Guy at the desk told me Tony and Jennifer were staying in this spare room. While I'm glad he didn't wanna bunk with us, I can't believe he wouldn't spring for a hotel while he's in town.
Quinn reached up to knock.
Well, here goes nothing.
With that, Quinn knocked. She was simultaneously disappointed and relieved when Jennifer answered instead of Tony.
"Oh, Quinn," said Jennifer.
"Hey, Jennifer," said Quinn, who then turned towards little GJ in his baby harness, "Hey, cutie. Goo-goo." Smiling, Quinn tickled the baby's chin, eliciting a giggle.
"I...I didn't know babies liked that," said a genuinely surprised Jennifer.
What you don't know can fill the Grand Canyon, you bimbo Quinn thought. Out loud, she said, "I have three sons, so years of practice."
"What brings you here," asked Jennifer.
Quinn held up the box of cigars.
"I decided it's time your husband and I bury the hatchet, so I brought him some cigars."
Jennifer shook her head. "Those aren't Tony's brand, he won't like them." There was a brief pause before Jennifer snatched the cigar box. "But I do, I'll smoke them."
Jennifer immediately lit one of the cigars, disregarding the fact that she has a baby in a harness strapped to her chest.
"Um, Jennifer," said a worried Quinn, "Are you sure that's a good idea while you're carrying your baby around?"
"Relax," said Jennifer, "GJ's in a harness, he's safe."
Quinn rolled her eyes in disbelief.
The rec room, a short time later...
Tony and his old war buddy, Franks, were playing poker with some other Vietnam vets. Sgt. Franks was a grizzled old man around Tony's age with slumped posture and sagging jowls. Tony shoved some chips into the pot.
"I raise!"
"Dammit," growled Franks in a voice that was clearly the result of decades of chain smoking, "I fold!"
"Me too," said another vet.
"Call," said the last player as he moved his chips in.
Tony smirked as he showed his cards.
"Read 'em an' weep, Jennings," said a triumphant Tony, "Full house!"
Jennings grinned as he showed his hand.
"Straight flush!"
Tony was livid.
"GOD-FUCKIN'-DAMMIT!"
Quinn entered the rec room and approached the guys.
"Tony, Jennifer told me you were down here."
The other three war vets smiled as they saw Quinn.
"Nice," said Jennings in a lecherous tone, "Jennifer got us a stripper!"
"Shaddup," Tony barked, "That's my worthless son's even more worthless excuse for a wife."
Quinn was about to tell Tony off but immediately thought better of it.
The medals, Quinn thought, I need to get those medals, even if it means I have to take a bunch of disrespect!
"Tony," said Quinn as she desperately tried to repress the urge to go off on her asshole father-in-law, "I...I guess you're right. Jim and I are worthless, but I wish you wouldn't always say so."
Tony knew Quinn was up to something.
"Okay, out with it! I know yer tryin' to butter me up, so why dontcha skip the ass-kissin' an' get right to the point!"
Trying to keep her temper in check, Quinn patiently explained.
"Jim and I are building a float for the Veterans Day parade. It's going to show soldiers in battle. I'm going for something like the Iwo Jima memorial with a modern twist. The soldiers are gonna be in modern uniforms and I'm going to include a medic tending to a fallen comrade while another soldier carries a scared child to safety. I'm calling it 'Saving Freedom and Saving Lives.'"
"Okay," said Tony, "Sounds good, but what's that gotta do wit' me?"
"Well," said Quinn, "For added realism, I want to dress the soldiers in your war medals. Can I borrow them?"
"Fuck no," Tony balked, "I got those medals for killin' a hundred commies in 'Nam, not to mention all the terrorists I killed when I was in Delta!"
"Tony," said Quinn, "That's why you should let me borrow the medals. It's the perfect tribute to your service."
Tony said, "It's five Bronze Stars, four Silver Stars, two Purple Hearts, two Distinguished Service Crosses and the Congressional Medal of Honor. Ya think I'm gonna give that shit to you sos ya can use 'em to play dress up!? No goddamn way!"
"Tony," said Quinn, "Don't you want your medals to be part of a tribute to you and war heroes everywhere? Please!"
"Fine," Tony barked, "Rental price is two-grand!"
Quinn was taken aback.
"You want me to pay to borrow something that my husband's gonna inherit...I've seen your will...ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FREAKIN' MIND!?"
"Hey, nuthin's free, including my badassery," Tony barked, "An' I want the money up front...IN CASH!"
"What," said a taken aback Quinn, "You think people just walk around with two-grand in cash on them!?"
"Take it or leave it, bitch," Tony growled, "I'd suggest ways to get the money quick, but yer twenty years too old an' twenty pounds too heavy."
That stepped on Quinn's last raw nerve.
"HEY, DICKWAD, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M AT THE IDEAL WEIGHT FOR SOMEONE MY AGE AND HEIGHT! HERE I AM, OFFERING YOU A CHANCE TO USE YOUR MEDALS TO HONOR YOURSELF AND YOUR FELLOW VETERANS AND YOU REACT BY CUSSING ME OUT, CHARGING ME MONEY AND INSULTING BOTH MY AGE AND MY WEIGHT!? YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL, YOU MEAN-SPIRITED, PSYCHOTIC BASTARD!"
"Ya done," said an unfazed Tony, "Or do ya wanna do some more PMSing?"
"FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE," Quinn shouted as she turned around and angrily stormed out of the place.
Later that day...
Jim was driving his Camaro from the hardware store. He was deep in thought.
Well, now I have all the materials we need for this parade float. I just hope Quinn was able to convince Dad to let her borrow his war medals.
It was at this point that Jim passed by a scrap yard. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a tricked-out Chevy Silverado pickup that he recognized.
That looks like Dad's truck!
Jim pulled into the parking lot and parked next to the pickup. The Virginia license plates confirmed that it was indeed his father's truck.
What's Dad doing here?
Jim walked up to a station for turning in junk. The turn-in station offered money for anything that could be recycled. He saw Tony there, arguing with a homeless man over a large bag of aluminum cans while the clerk was trying to calm them down. Jim remained at a discreet distance as he watched and listened.
"Hey, old fart," the homeless man barked, "Get your hands offa my cans!"
"Those are my cans, ya fuckin' hobo," Tony fired back.
"You heard him, sir," said the clerk to Tony, "Let him hand in his cans!"
"Those are my cans," Tony angrily insisted, "This crackhead jumped me for 'em!"
"Did not," the homeless man insisted.
"Did too," Tony fired back.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
"DID TOO, YA LAZY ASS STREET JUNKIE!"
Tony was about to punch the homeless man when the clerk blocked him.
"Sir, I'm sorry," said the clerk, "But whoever hands me the cans gets the money. That's our official policy."
Tony, rather than attack the clerk, proceeded to beg. Seeing this shocked Jim to know end.
"Ya don't understand," Tony pleaded, "Takin' care of a wife an' baby when yer retired has drained my savings an' my pension ain't enough to cover all three of us! I'm broke! I've lost everything! I even lost the house! My wife, my son an' I gotta stay at the VFW 'cause I don't want anyone to know that we're homeless!"
Having overheard, Jim gasped in shock.
"Dad...broke...!?"
Act II
Lawndale VFW, day...
Quinn and Jim were visiting Jim's father, Tony, and stepmother/Tony's much younger trophy wife, Jennifer. The reason for the visit was what he'd overheard his father say the previous afternoon.
"Dad," said a stunned Jim, "How in the hell did you end up losing everything you own!?"
Tony said nothing. He just angrily folded his arms and looked away.
"Let me guess," said Quinn, "You blew it all on liquor and strippers, didn't you?"
Tony got right in Quinn's face. "Not that it's any of your business, Insubordinate Slut, but no!"
"Dammit, Dad," Jim barked, "Quit calling my wife an insubordinate slut!"
"I'll call her what I want, pussy ass," Tony defiantly growled. Before his son could retort, Tony moved things back on topic. "Look, you've got three brats. You know what a money drain a baby is. My Social Security and Army pension just couldn't be stratched far enough to cover all three of us. I lost the house, my credit card's maxed out and they're getting ready to repossess my truck!"
Added Jennifer, "He tried to get a job, but nobody in Newport News wanted to hire him. That's why we came here."
Tony went on. "I figure I can do better in a place where I haven't pissed so many potential employers off, but it's not going well...THANKS TO YOU TWO!"
"HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR," Quinn shouted.
Added Jim, "How's it our fault that you can't get a job!?"
"EVERYONE IN TOWN HATES ME 'CAUSE OF YOU!"
"No," said a stern Quinn, "Everyone hates you because you're a toxic asshole who's living in the wrong century."
Before Tony had a chance to get in Quinn's face again, Jim tried to change the subject.
"Well, Jennifer's a licensed cosmotologist. Why doesn't she get a job?"
Tony was visibly offended by the very suggestion.
"NO WIFE OF MINE IS GONNA WORK WHEN WE HAVE A KID!"
He took a deep breath before speaking again, this time with a sound of defeat in his voice.
"I'm the man! Providing for the family is my responsibility alone. If I can't do that, then I'm no longer a man. I'm just a beta-pussy cuck!"
While Quinn rolled her eyes, Jim visibly felt sorry for his father.
Casa Carbone, later...
Jim and Quinn were in the home office discussing his father's financial situation.
"Your stupid father and his stupid pride," Quinn ranted, "Not letting his wife work and not accepting any help from us because it'll bruise his insecure male ego!"
Jim was surprised.
"You actually wanna help Dad!? I thought you hated him even more than he hates you. You're not exactly fond of Jennifer either."
"Yes," said Quinn, "but I'm willing to put my animosity aside for two reasons. One, they have a baby and I can't stand seeing an innocent child suffer just because his mother's an idiot and his father's an asshole. Two, I still need those war medals for the Veterans Day float and helping Tony out means I can get them by playing the 'you owe me' card."
"Well," said Jim, "He tried to charge you two grand just to borrow them because he's desperate for money. Maybe he's still open to that. It'll be two birds with one stone. You get the medals and they have some badly needed money."
Quinn shot down that idea.
"Jim, you know perfectly well that two grand won't even last a month while they're taking care of a baby. Your father needs a steady paycheck, not a one-and-done payout."
Jim got an idea.
"Why don't you offer him a job? You've been saying that you need to increase staff at the restaurant."
Quinn was even more opposed to that idea.
"No...freaking...way!"
"Why not," asked Jim.
"Because," said Quinn, "Quinn's Roaster is really starting to take off. I don't wanna ruin that by having an employee who'll DEFINTELY drive customers away."
"So," said Jim, "Put him in a position where he isn't regularly in contact with customers."
"Right," said a sarcastic Quinn, "I'm gonna put a man who considers cooking and cleaning 'women's work' on my kitchen staff. Come on, Jim."
"Look," said Jim, "I know my father sucks at interacting with people in a way that isn't confrontational and offensive, but I also know that he'll hold his tongue when there's a steady paycheck involved."
Quinn sighed. She had to concede that her husband had a point. Tony does have a pretty strong incentive to behave himself under the right circumstances after all.
Jim could tell his wife was about to admit defeat and softened the blow.
"Quinn, you're only there two times a week anyway due to your other responsibilities. Our assistant manager is gonna be the one dealing with Dad on a daily basis."
That made the thought of employing Tony a little easier for Quinn to take.
"Fine," Quinn conceded, "but if your father causes trouble, I will not hesitate to fire his ass."
Jim smiled. "I'd question your sanity if that weren't the case."
Quinn stifled a giggle.
Quinn's Roaster, a few days later...
Quinn sat behind her desk in the back office while Tony sat in front of her. The guy who runs the place day-to-day, a thrity-something man with short brown hair and glasses, stood off to the side and listened intently.
"So," said Quinn, "Since I've decided to give you a job can I trust you not to make me regret it?"
"Fine," said Tony. Under his breath, he muttered, "ya insubordinate slut."
"I heard that," Quinn barked, "while you're on the clock, you are to address me as Mrs. Carbone. Got it?"
"Fine," said Tony, resigned to the fact that he now has no choice but to accept his hated daughter-in-law as his superior.
Quinn stood up.
"Welcome aboard, Tony." She then looked at her watch. "Anyway, I have to go. Jim and I have a lunch meeting with a potential YouTube sponsor. I'll leave you in the hands of my assistant manager, Mr. Chafee." With that, Quinn left.
"So, Mr. Chafee," said Tony, "Where ya putting me?"
Men's restroom, a short time later...
Mr. Chaffee and Tony were both in the restroom.
"Okay," said Tony, "Why you taking me here?"
"Because," said Chaffee with an evil smirk, "You're the restroom attendant. I want you to clean the urinals...NOW!"
"WHAT," exclaimed Tony, "YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON LATRINE DUTY!?"
"Yes," said a grinning Chafee, "Because you're elderly. Therefore, I need to put you somewhere useful." He then handed Tony a small toothbrush. "Sorry, but we need the major cleaning supplies in the kitchen and can't spare them on a jeriatric janitor. Now, make everything in here sparkle...unless you want to be fired, you old fart."
Tony visibly wanted to lay into Chafee, but immediately remembered that he's doing this to provide for Jennifer and the baby and held his tongue.
Thompson house, late afternoon...
Kevin, Jim, Jamie, Chris and Chuck were hanging out on Kevin's porch drinking beer and talking. Jamie was ranting about his job as a high school history teacher.
"Dammit," said Jamie, "Is it just me, or is each group of students getting dumber and dumber?"
"Just you," said Chuck, "Let's face it, man, the kids haven't changed, we have."
Chris sighed. "Yep, we're the old timers now. I mean, look at me. I was mister football star back in high school. Now, I'm fat, I'm bald, I'm divorced, I'm financially dependent on my kid brother because all of my income goes to Brooke in alimony. It sucks!"
"Yeah, man," said Kevin, "but at least I, like, still have my babe, and she was always my babe."
Not counting the fifteen years she was banging Daryl on the side, that is Jim thought. Out loud, he said, "Well, at least I'm doing better than I was in high school."
"Yeah," said Chris with a laugh, "You used to be a total geek."
Jim stared daggers at his brother for that one.
"Jim," said Jamie, "How's your job?"
"Still trying to figure out how to rebrand my channel, since I'm taking a sabbatical from cars," said Jim. "But for now, I'm recording myself building the Veteran's Day parade float that Quinn designed."
"Speaking of Veterans," said Chuck, "Q told me your father's in town."
Jim nodded.
"I can't believe Dad lost the house," said Chris.
"Yeah, well, I might lose my home soon," Jim lamented, "I'm kinda in the doghouse with Quinn right now."
"Dude," said Kevin, "Like, what happened?"
Jim sighed. "I talked her into giving my Dad a job at the restaurant."
"Speak of the devil," said Chris as Tony's Silverado pickup truck pulled into the driveway of Casa Carbone (which is next door to the Thompson's) . Tony emerged in his Quinn's Roaster uniform. Upon seeing both of his sons on Kevin's porch, Tony made his way towards them.
"Jeez," said Tony, "You assholes do anything in your spare time besides drink beer on the porch?" He then snatched Kevin's beer right out of his hand. "Thanks, Fat Ass."
"Like, hey," barked Kevin, "That's my beer!"
Tony got right in Kevin's face.
"Not anymore, grunt. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?"
Kevin was sufficiently intimidated to let Tony have his beer.
"YES, SERGEANT MAJOR!"
"So, Dad," said Jim, "How was your first day on the job?"
Before Tony could answer, a large car hauler truck followed by a flashy Mercedes Sedan pulled up to Casa Carbone and got everyones attention.
"What the hell," said Jim as the hauler backed into his driveway, right in front of Tony's pickup.
As the guys all walked up to Jim's driveway, a smartly dressed man in a business suit with lots of bling emerged from the Mercedes and approached them.
"Which onna youse guys is Tony Carbone?"
Tony approached.
"That's Sergeant Major Carbone to you, asshole!"
The guy introduced himself.
"Frank Colombino," he said, "Of Colombino Cheverolet. I'm here to reposess your pickup."
"WHAT," shouted Tony.
"You're six months behind on yer car payments, Gramps," said Colombino. He then turned towards the work crew that was emerging from the hauler. "Tie 'er up, boys!"
The workers started wrapping chain around the axls of Tony's Silverado.
"NO," Tony yelled, "NOT MY TRUCK!"
The workers ignored him and continued chaining the pickup to pull onto the hauler. This caused Tony to fly into a rage.
"AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"
Before anyone else could say or do anything, Tony headbutted one worker. When the other tried to tackle Tony from behind, Tony used the man's forward momentum to throw him over his shoulders.
"YOU THINK I CAN'T KICK YOUR ASSES JUST 'CAUSE I'M 81! I'LL SHOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"
"DAD, NO," shouted Jim as Tony ran into the garage. A few seconds later, Tony emerged with Jim's circular saw.
"BACK AWAY FROM MY TRUCK OR I'LL FUCKIN' CASTRATE ALL O' YAS WITH THIS THING!"
Terrified, Colombino ducked into his Mercedes and sped off. Tony then charged at the workers with the circular saw running at full power.
"I KILLED A HUNDRED VIET CONG, THINK I CAN'T KILL YOUSE GUYS!"
Jim, Kevin, Jamie, Chuck and Chris all grabbed Tony from behind. Jamie took away the circular saw while the rest of the guys restrained him.
Shrugging, the workers continued to load Tony's pickup onto the hauler.
Quinn's Roaster, the next day...
Tony emerged from the restroom, and he was visibly pissed.
Dammit, I can't believe the size of the deuce that clogged up that toilet! I had to wash my hands five times to get 'em clean!
Out of the corner of his eye, Tony saw some customers at the door. It was a family of four.
"Dammit," said the husband, "Where the hell's the hostess?"
"Dad," said one of the kids, "Why can't we just take a table?"
"Honey," said the wife, "We've been waiting half-an-hour to be seated. Let's just go somewhere else."
Tony immediately sprang into action. He went to the host stand and grabbed a some menus. He then spoke to the family.
"Sorry about the long wait. Table for four?"
"It's about time," said the husband.
Tony was about to seat them when Chaffee blocked their path.
"Just what in the hell do you think you're doing, Tony?"
"I'm seating these people," said Tony proudly.
"No, you're not," said Chafee, "You're a bathroom attendant, not a host."
"But," said Tony, "the hostess deserted her post."
"Yes," said Chaffee, "And she'll be fired for it...just like you'll be fired if you don't go back to the men's room and stay there until your shift is over."
Tony let out a defeated sigh as he shuffled his way back to the men's room.
Chafee's office, later that day...
Chaffee sat behind his desk as Tony stood there.
"Tony," said Chafee, "I need you to do the all-day shift tomorrow."
Tony was not happy about that.
"But tomorrow's Veteran's Day! I was gonna march in the parade."
"No, you aren't," said Chafee, "I don't care if you're a vetran. The fact remains that we're right on the parade route and I need the restroom's maintained. You're not marching in the parade."
Tony's patience started to wear thin.
"Dammit, I'm a Medal of Honor winner. I killed a hundred commies in Vietnam."
Chafee smirked.
"Tony, if you don't spend all of tomorrow on the job, then I'll fire you and see to it that you never work again."
Tony looked menacingly at Chafee.
"What," said Chafee, "You can't scare me. You may have been a badass soldier once, but now you're just a useless old man. Accept it, loser...or accept poverty."
Tony let out a defeated sigh as Chafee grinned triumphantly.
The next day...
The Veteran's Day parade is going on. Jim was driving a tractor that carried the parade float that he and Quinn had made while Quinn was on the float waving to the croud. Unfortunately, Tony's medals were absent. Like all floats in the parade, Quinn's float also included a plaque that named the builder of the float, in this case Q and J productions.
"Well," said Jim, "Our float's a hit."
"I just wish your father had let me use his war medals," said Quinn.
"Quinn," said Jim, "Dad insisted on marching in the parade. He needed to wear the medals himself."
Quinn smiled. "Well, even though it's not quite what I envisioned, our float's still a hit, so I can let it slide."
What neither Quinn nor Jim knew was that Tony was not marching in the parade because Mr. Chafee refused to give him the time off.
Meanwhile, at Quinn's roaster...
Tony was standing on the AC unit looking out the window as he watched the parade pass by. Suddenly, the door opened. Tony looked to see his other son, Chris, carrying a bag containing a suit.
"Hey, Dad," said Chris.
"You bring it," asked Tony.
Chris unzipped the clothing bag, revealing its contents to be Tony's old Army uniform. Tony smiled.
A few minutes later...
Having changed into his old uniform, Tony checked himself out in the mirror. On one sleeve was his rank insignia, Sergeant Major (highest non-comissioned rank in the Army). On the other sleeve were his qualification tabs. One said "Airborne", a second read "Ranger" and a third read "Special Forces". Pinned on Tony's chest were the following decorations: five Bronze Stars, four Silver Stars, two Purple Hearts and two Distinguished Service Crosses. Finally, around Tony's neck was a blue ribboned medallion. This was the Congressional Medal of Honor. Tony then topped off the look by putting on his head wear, a green beret.
"Perfect," said a satisfied Tony, who then exited the men's room.
A few seconds later...
Tony hadn't even made it ten paces when Mr. Chafee saw him.
"And just where do you think you're going?"
Tony turned around.
"Dammit, I'm a veteran. I'm marching in that parade."
"You take one more step," Chafee threatened, "and I'll fire you and see to it that you never work again."
Tony was about to tell Chafee off, until he remembered what would happen to Jennifer and the baby if Chafee made good on his threat. Finally, he let out a defeated sigh.
"Doin' it for the family. Doin' it for the family," Tony told himself as he shuffled back to the men's room.
Chafee grinned triumphantly, obviously drunk on power.
Men's restroom, a short time later...
Still in his Army uniform, Tony looked out the window and sighed. Suddenly, something outside caught his attention.
"What the hell!?"
In the parade, Tony's repossessed Silverado was being driven by Frank Colombino. It was covered in pink confetti and buxom models in flag colored bikinis were in the flatbed, waving to the crowd. Tony was now outraged.
"MY TRUCK!"
Enraged and running on adrenalin, Tony quickly climbed out the window.
Outside...
Tony ran across the parking lot, charged through the parade tape and ran right up to the driver's side of his desecrated pickup truck. He angrily pulled the door open and grabbed Colombino.
"HOW DARE YOU, YOU FUCKING SONOFABITCH!"
Tony threw Colombino to the ground and sped off.
Nearby, Quinn and Jim saw what was happening.
"OH...GOD...NO," Quinn shouted.
"DAD," added Jim as he steered the float off the parade route in order to chase after his rampaging father.
Act III
Veteran's Day Parade...
Chaos has erupted at the Veterans Day Parade. Tony had seen his repossessed pickup truck covered in roses and went ballistic. He actually carjacked the truck and sped off.
"MOMMIEEE," cried a terrified little girl as Tony sped past her.
"OH MY GOD," screamed another parade goer as he jumped out of the way just in time to avoid being hit.
"SOME CRAZY OLD MAN JUST JACKED A FLOAT!"
Jim was driving the float that he and Quinn had made while Quinn rode along.
"DAMMIT, DAD," Jim yelled.
"WE'VE GOTTA STOP HIM," yelled Quinn.
An alley, a short time later...
The homeless man whom Tony had fought with over cans at the recycling center was dumpster diving.
"Dammit, gotta be something edible in here."
He then fished out an empty Ultra Cola can.
"Yes," said the homeless man as he put the can in his sack. Suddenly, something slammed into the dumpster.
"What the hell!?"
The homeless man emerged from the dumpster to see that what had rammed him was a Chevy Silverado pickup truck.
"HEY, ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FREAKIN' MIND!?"
A very angry Tony emerged from the truck.
"Remember me, asshole!?"
The homeless man did indeed remember him.
"You're that crazy old man who tried to fight me for my cans at the dump!"
"Bingo," said Tony, "You stole my cans!"
"Those were MY cans," the homeless man angrily insisted.
"An' these are mine," barked Tony as he snatched the homeless man's sack of aluminum cans.
"HEY, GIVE THOSE BACK, PSYCHO!"
"Sure," said Tony, "How ya want 'em?"
He then smacked the man in the gut with the sack of cans.
"It the gut?"
Tony then smacked the homeless man with the cans again.
"UPSIDE THE HEAD!?"
"OW," screamed the homeless man as Tony smacked him upside the head with the sack of cans.
"OR IN THE BALLS!?"
Tony smacked the homeless man in the groin with the sack.
The street, later...
Jim was driving the tractor while Quinn rode the float and kept an eye out for Tony.
"Jim, can't this thing go any faster?"
Jim rolled his eyes.
"Probably should've gone after him in the car."
At this point, they passed by the same alley Tony had been in. Quinn saw something.
"Jim, look!"
Jim stopped the tractor and looked. Laying there was the homeless man, bloodied and bruised.
"My god," exclaimed Jim as he put the tractor in park. He and Quinn then ran over to the man.
"What happened to you," asked Quinn.
"C...crazy old man," said the homeless man, "T...took m...my...can...cough...hack...b...cough...beat me up...hack..."
Jim rolled his eyes.
"Sounds like Dad."
Colombino Chevrolet, at that very moment...
A man in a business suit was in his office finalizing the sale of a new car to a young couple. The woman was visibly pregnant.
"Perfect," said the salesman.
The woman rubbed her baby bump.
"Now we have a perfect family car."
Suddenly, Tony angrily charged into the office.
"REPOSSESS MY TRUCK, WILL YA!"
"Sir," said the salesman, "You can't just barge in here!"
"I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT AN EIGHTY-ONE-YEAR-OLD FORMER GREEN BERET CAN DO, ASSHOLE!"
Tony angrily reached over and tore the salesman's toupee clean off. He then took a stapler off the desk and stapled the hairpiece to the wall.
"NOW WE'RE EVEN, BALDY!"
Tony angrily stormed off while the young couple stared in stunned silence. Horrified that his baldness was on display, the salesman started crying.
A bus stop, a few minutes later...
Tony's old war buddy, Sgt. Franks, was sitting on the bench when Tony pulled up in his Silverado.
"Dammit, Franks," Tony barked, "You shouldn't have to wait for a bus. You strangled Ho Chi Minh, for chrissake!"
Franks smiled as he remembered his proudest accomplishment.
"You're right, Tony!"
Tony opened the passenger side door.
"Come on, buddy! LET'S GO KICK SOME ASS LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS!"
Franks eagerly hopped into the passenger side.
Quinn's Roaster, later...
Tony and Franks were in the men's restroom. In one of the stalls a visibly roughed up and frightened Chafee was being tied to the toilet by Franks while Tony taunted him.
"Ya know, you're goddamn lucky Franks forgot his combat knife," Tony growled.
"Unpatriotic asshole," Franks growled as he punched Chafee in the mouth hard enough to make him spit out a tooth.
"...but I didn't," said Tony as he pulled out his own combat knife.
"P...please don't kill me," Chafee begged as he peed in his pants out of terror.
Tony pointed the knife at Chafee's throat. "We're not gonna kill ya," Tony growled, "but in a few minutes, you're gonna wish you were dead!"
Done tying Chafee to the toilet, Franks duct tapped the man's mouth shut. He and Tony then exited the bathroom stall and closed the door. Exchanging smirks, Tony took the out of order sign off the next toilet stall and placed it on the one Chafee was trapped in.
"That second toilet doesn't flush," said a grinning Tony, "Wonder how much ass stench Chafee can take before puking into that gag?"
At this point, a fat man came in to use the bathroom.
"Oh, man," said the fat man, "this one's really gonna smell!"
He then ducked into the other stall. A few seconds later, the sound of explosive diarrhea came from in there.
"Come on, Franks," said Tony, "Let's find some more asses to kick!"
"HOO-RAH," said Franks as he did a fist pump.
Casa Carbone, sometime later...
Tony's Silverado was parked in the front yard. The skid marks in the grass were sure to upset Quinn and Jim. Inside the house, Tony was in Tommy's room. He had calmed down and was talking to his triplet grandsons.
"Boys," said a morose Tony, "this is probably the last time you're gonna see me."
"Why," asked Tommy.
"Is there a price on your head, Grandpop," added Timmy.
"Probably," said Tony, "but not because of anything that happened today."
Tommy and Timmy looked questiongly at their grandfather.
After an eyeroll and resigned sigh, Teddy explained to his brothers.
"Grandpop's a career soldier. Someone in that line of work makes a lot of enemies."
Tony pulled three envelops out of his uniform.
"I was gonna wait 'til youse guys were in high school, but I'm definitely not gonna live that long, sos I'm giving 'em to yas now."
Tony then handed one envelop to each triplet.
"What's this," asked Tommy.
"Letters of recommendation for the Army," Tony answered, "Take 'em with yas to the nearest recruitment station when ya turn seventeen."
Before the conversation could continue, Jim entered.
"Boys, could you go downstairs for a bit? Your grandfather and I need to have a one-on-one chat."
All three boys immediately left the room. Once alone, Jim spoke to his father.
"Well, Dad, you'll be happy to know that Chris and I were able to call in some favors, so you aren't gonna face criminal charges for your little rampage."
Tony sighed.
"Thanks, Jim, but it really doesn't matter."
"Dad," said Jim, "You really wanna spend the rest of your life in prison? You're at an age where anything beyond two years is a potential life sentence."
"No," said Tony, who immediately changed the subject, "Guess this means my job at the restaurant is down the toilet."
"You got that right," said a stern Jim, "There's no way in hell Quinn and I can keep you on after what happened."
"Dammit," Tony growled, "How am I gonna take care of Jennifer and GJ now?"
Jim sighed. "Look, Dad, you're eighty-one. You shouldn't have to work for a living at your age."
"But," Tony protested, "My benefits and Social Security aren't enough to cover a wife and baby. Why you think I'm in this situation in the first place?"
"Dad, I'm sorry," said Jim, "But you're just gonna have to swallow your pride and let Jennifer get a job."
"Not happenin'," insisted a defiant Tony, "I'm a man. Providing for Jennifer and GJ is my responsibility."
Jim let out a defeated sigh. "Look, Dad, I'll help as much as I can, but I can only give you so much money. I have my own family to take care of, not to mention supporting Chris until Brooke stops bleeding him dry with the alimony."
"I don't want any of your charity," Tony growled.
"Dammit, Dad," Jim groaned in frustration, "You clearly don't have enough money to do this on your own. Either let me help you or let Jennifer work outside the home."
"Lemme give ya some free advice," said Tony, "sos ya don't end up in my situation. Buy life insurance. Best investment I ever made." Tony let out a morose sigh. "I'm worth more dead than alive."
That made Jim cringe a little.
Chris's house, the next day...
Chris Carbone was sitting on the couch watching TV and drinking a beer when the doorbell rang. He got up to answer. It was his younger brother.
"Hey, Jim," said Chris, "What's going on?"
"Chris," said Jim, "We need to talk about Dad."
Chris could tell this was serious.
"Come on in."
Jim entered and Chris closed the door behind him. The two brothers sat down on the living room couch.
"What's going on," asked Chris.
"Well," said Jim, "as you know, the expense of taking care of a wife and baby on a pension has left Dad so broke that he's lost his house, his car and after what happened the other day, he's completely unemployable. Quinn had to fire him from the restaurant and there's no way anyone else is gonna give him a job now. The problem is that he still won't let Jennifer get a job and he refuses my offers to help him with money."
Chris could tell there's more to it than the obvious.
"What's going on besides that?"
Jim sighed. "Dad's been really down since what happened at the parade. The last time I saw him this morose was right after Clinton won the '92 election."
"I remember that," said Chris, "he really didn't take it well when a former draft dodger got elected President."
"Despite being okay with a former rapist and insurrectionist becoming President again," said Jim with a chuckle before once again turning serious. "I'm worried he's gonna do something stupid. He's said some things...things that might be a sign of suicidal ideation."
Chris was dismissive. "Jim, I really don't think Dad's gonna kill himself over this."
"He might," said Jim, "If it means Jennifer and GJ can collect on his life insurance policy."
Chris gasped in realization. He knew that while Tony wouldn't kill himself to escape his own problems, he was capable of self-sacrifice if sufficiently motivated.
Before the conversation could continue, Kevin suddenly barged in.
"Guys! GUYS!"
"Dammit, Kevin," said Chris, "Don't you ever knock?"
Added Jim, "My brother and I are trying to talk about some important stuff here."
Kevin explained the reason for his intrusion.
"Like, your father was just at my place. He, like, asked me for some ammo, which I have plenty of, man."
Jim rolled his eyes. "Knowing you, you gave it all to him."
"Um, no," said Kevin, "I, like, tried but he said he only needed one small clip of .45's."
Jim and Chris both gasped in horror as it's now apparent that their father actually does intend to kill himself.
Lawndale VFW, a short time later...
Tony was in the storage room/his and Jennifer's current living quarters. He was wearing his old Army uniform and checking himself out in the mirror.
Okay, I'm ready.
Tony then held up a Colt .45 combat pistol (his old Army side-arm). He held the barrel to his right temple. He was about to pull the trigger when...
"Tony," said Jennifer as she came in with a crying GJ, "I need you to take the baby for a bit."
Annoyed, Tony put down the gun. "Dammit, woman," he growled, "I'm in the middle of something important!"
"I'm sorry, Sergeant Major," said Jennifer, "but I haven't had a break from watching GJ since we moved here...AND I NEED ONE!"
Tony got in Jennifer's face.
"Get back to watchin' the kid! THAT'S AN ORDER, WOMAN!"
"Dammit, Tony," Jennifer barked, "I can't take this. I need a break. Whatever your doing will just have to wait!"
With that, Jennifer shoved the baby into Tony's arms and left before he could say or do anything to stop her. Once alone, Tony looked back and forth between his loaded gun and his infant son. Finally, he let out a sigh.
A few seconds later...
Jim and Chris were frantically running up the hallway towards the room where their father was staying. Jim tried to open the door, but it was locked.
"DAD, LET US IN," Jim shouted as he and Chris urgently pounded on the door.
"GO AWAY," shouted Tony from inside, "THIS DON'T CONCERN EITHER ONE OF YAS!"
"DAD, NO," shouted Chris.
Then, they heard the sound of Tony's gun going off.
"DAD," screamed Jim and Chris in unison before breaking down the door.
Once they'd broken the door of its hinges, Jim and Chris ran in. The first thing they saw was Tony sitting motionless on the floor. Then they heard the sound of a baby giggling. Tony suddenly turned around. As it turned out, the smoking gun was in the baby's hands. Tony had a proud smile on his face. That was when Jim and Chris saw the bullet hole in a mattress that was stood up against the wall.
"You two mind," Tony growled, "I'm tryin' to teach GJ how ta shoot!"
Both Jim and Chris let out huge sighs of relief.
"Thanks God," said Jim.
Added Chris, "We thought you'd just...well..."
"What," said Tony, "Thought I was gonna kill myself!? Sorry to disappoint yas, but I ain't checkin' out yet. Got too much to do around here. I mean, GJ just fired a shot and loved it! You both cried your first time, and you were five!"
Both Jim and Chris sat down next to their father and infant brother.
"I'm sorry," said Jim, "but after what you said the other day, I was worried."
"Come on," said Tony, "Ya think I'm some pussy who can't deal with his problems!? Besides, I need to teach little GJ here how to be a real man. Sure as hell can't rely on Jennifer or youse guys to do that! That's why I decided to let her get a job! If I gotta emasculate myself for my favorite son, then that's what I'm gonna do."
"Sounds like a plan," said Jim.
Added Chris, "besides, you're still a war hero. No one can take that away from you."
"Bingo," said Tony, "I may be old an' useless now, but I still killed a hundred commies! You know, once I got the money, me an' Jennifer are gonna move into an apartment. Better for a kid than the storage room at the local VFW. Also, I think I'm gonna buy some walkie talkies, for when GJ's old enough to walk and talk."
Both Jim and Chris smiled. Maybe there was hope for the old man after all.
End Chapter.