Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the triplets now middle school aged. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany rebuffs an advance by Daryl in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out at the park with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' people with visible disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Timmy making out with Q Ruttheimer while three girls are practically throwing themselves at Tommy. Final shot is Quinn, Jim and the triplets standing on the front lawn and then being joined by the rest of the regular cast. They all smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
"Lawndale"
this episode:
"Almost Shameless"
written by
WildDogJJ
Casa Carbone, day...
Quinn and her husband, Jim, were in the home office discussing a recent change in the overall family dynamic.
"I can't believe I have to put up with Tony now," Quinn ranted.
"Quinn," said Jim, "you've already been doing that for the past twenty years."
"But," said Quinn, "Now he lives in the same town as us. It was easier when he lived six hours away because I only had to take him in small doses."
"I know," said Jim, "and I'm not looking forward to it either. Still, he's my father and he needs to find a place to stay. After all, a storage room at the VFW is no place for a small child."
"Don't worry," said Quinn, "I'll help with the house hunting. I don't like it, but I'll do it. I mean, I kinda signed on for that when I married you."
"It's just for the weekend," said Jim, "I can take over on Monday."
"I wish I was the one going to the city for the weekend," said Quinn.
"I know, but it's a birthday present for my brother," said Jim, "I have an obligation to do this. Also, the other guys are coming along and I'm the only one who can keep Kevin from doing something stupid."
Suddenly, there was the sound of a car honking in the driveway.
Outside, a few seconds later...
Parked in the driveway was a white Cadillac convertible. Chuck (formerly Upchuck) was driving while Jim's brother, Chris, rode shotgun. Kevin and Jamie were in the backseat. Chris was wearing a party hat that said 'Birthday Boy' on it. Jim emerged from the house.
"Hey, Jim," Chuck called out, "Ready to go?"
"Guys, I'll be out in a minute," said Jim, "just gotta grab my suitcase."
"Come on, man," Kevin whined, "It's, like, the rotten apple!"
"Big apple," Jamie corrected.
"Whatever, Jeremy," said Kevin.
Jamie sighed. "I'm Jamie."
"Look," said Jim, "Give me thirty minutes. I need to discuss some things with Quinn and make sure I'm not forgetting anything."
Thirty minutes later...
Kevin looked at his watch.
"Dude, what's taking Jim?"
"Come on, guys," said Chris, "You know how uptight my brother is about packing. It takes him forever because he always has to double and triple check everything."
"Wish he'd get over it," Chuck complained, "I have a whole list of things I wanna do while we're in New York."
It was at this point that Jim emerged from the house with his suitcase.
"About damn time," Jamie complained.
Jim placed his suitcase in the trunk of Chuck's convertible before joining Kevin and Jamie in the back seat.
"Sorry about the wait," said Jim, "Timmy was whining about not being allowed to come along and it took us forever to calm him down."
Lawndale VFW, later...
Quinn approached the door to the storage room that Tony, Jennifer and the baby were temporarily living in. She took a breath to steel her nerves before knocking. Quinn was immensely relieved that Jennifer answered the door instead of Tony.
"Hi, Quinn," said Jennifer.
"Hi, Jennifer," said Quinn as sweetly as she could. While she hates Tony with every fiber of her being, she doesn't have a high opinion of Jennifer either. "You and Tony ready to go apartment hunting."
"It's just me," said Jennifer, "Tony's at Cafe Risque with his brother." Jennifer then went to grab her purse. Next to the purse, GJ was sleeping in a crib. "Let's go."
Quinn was a little disturbed that Jennifer was walking to the door without her infant son.
"Hey, who's gonna watch GJ while we're out!?"
"He'll be fine," said Jennifer, "I'll lock the door."
Quinn rolled her eyes.
"Jennifer, you can't just leave a seventeen-month-old baby alone and unsupervised."
Jennifer was genuinely surprised.
"You...you can't! Why?"
Quinn struggled to contain her disbelief.
"You mean you really don't know!? What if something happens while we're gone!?"
"That's why I'm locking the door," said Jennifer.
Quinn rolled her eyes in disbelief. How is it that someone this stupid is even allowed to be a parent in the first place?
(Author's note: That kid's gonna have a great childhood, isn't he? His father's a toxic psycho and his mother's a total moron.)
Verrazano Narrows Bridge...
Music: "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra
The convertible that the guys are riding in is crossing into Brooklyn on a bright day with a clear view of Manhattan.
Start spreading the news
A short time later, the guys are crossing the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan.
I'm leaving today
The car is now heading up Sixth Avenue.
I want to be a part of it
New York
New York
The car is now driving by the Empire State Building. Cut to sometime later and we see the guys on the top floor observation deck taking in a bird's eye view of all five boroughs. Next, we see the guys exit the ferry onto Liberty Island. They all snap close-up pictures of the Statue of Liberty. Next, we see them having lunch at a cafe in Little Italy. Then, we see them walking in Central Park. Chris tries to feed some pigeons, but they attack him.
New York
New York
Now we see them taking in the sights and sounds of Times Square.
If I can
Make it there
I'll make it
Anywhere
Finally, we see them walking around Rockefeller Center.
New York
New York
Neeeewwwwwww Yorrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Rockefeller Center, afternoon...
Jim, Chris, Kevin, Chuck and Jamie were at the entrance to SBC Studios.
"Happy Birthday, Bro," said Jim.
Added Chuck, "Daria's waiting inside for us."
"Dude," said Kevin, "Daria's here!"
"Um, Yeah, Kevin," said Jamie, "She works here."
This was news to Kevin.
"Dude, since when?"
Chuck rolled his eyes.
"Since 2012."
Added Jamie, "I'm surprised you didn't know, man. She's been a staff writer for the Evening Show for the past twelve years."
"Thought everyone knew that," said Jim.
Kevin just flashed a goofy smile.
"Cool."
Inside, a few minutes later...
Daria was handing tickets to each of the guys.
"Happy Birthday, Chris."
Chris smiled as he took his ticket.
"Thanks, Daria."
Added Jim, "I really owe you for this. I mean, front row tickets to a taping of The Evening Show. Thanks."
"I didn't do it for you guys," said Daria, "I did it so Jane and Quinn would stop pestering me about the issue."
"Benefit of being married to your sister," said Jim with a smirk, "I know all of your weaknesses."
"What's Quinn doing today anyhow," asked Daria.
An apartment building on Dega Street, at that very moment...
Quinn and Jennifer, with GJ in a stroller, were being shown the inside of a VERY run-down apartment by a realtor. The realtor was a middle-aged woman with poofed out hair wearing a very loud business suit with shoulder pads and dangling earrings.
1985 called, Quinn thought, they want their hideous look back.
"So," said the realtor, "what do you ladies think?"
"It's perfect," said Jennifer, "I'll take it!"
Quinn instantly spoke up.
"No, you won't."
"I...I won't," said a puzzled Jennifer.
"Jennifer," said Quinn, "This wooden floor panels are visibly rotting, it's crawling with rats and bugs..." Quinn sniffed the air with a disgusted look on her face. "...and what the hell is that stench!?"
Quinn followed her nose to the refrigerator that comes with the apartment and opens the door.
"EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
The inside of the fridge was covered in rat droppings and cockroaches. Quinn got right in the realtor's face.
"This place is a total biohazard! It should be condemned!"
"Sorry," said the realtor, "But it was first on the list, so I had to show it to you. Frankly, it's been sitting vacant for years."
"What a surprise," said Quinn in Daria like deadpan, "Let's go!"
"Okay," said Jennifer as the three of them walked out the door.
"Jennifer," said Quinn as she stopped them, "aren't you forgetting something?"
Jennifer struggled to think.
"I don't think so."
Quinn pointed to the stroller.
"You almost left your son in this cesspit!"
Jennifer stared blankly.
"What's a cesspit?"
Quinn responded with a face palm.
God, what did I do wrong in a past life?
SBC Studios, NYC, later...
The guys were all sitting in the front row while the band on the stage began to play the opening theme. This was immediately followed by an announcer's voice.
"Coming to you from New York, it's The Evening Show with Frankie LePope. Tonight, we have specials guests Robert Downey Jr., Zendaya Coleman with a special guest musical performance by Taylor Swift. Now...HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE'SSSSSSSSSS FRANKIE!"
Frankie LePope came out on stage. While the magic of cameras made him look sharp, in person one could tell that he was drunk and had probably been snorting some coke just before coming on.
"Dude," said a stunned Kevin, "He, like, looks a lot better on TV!"
"I'm not surprised," said Jim, "Daria's told me some horror stories over the years. Apparently, Frankie's got a serious drinking and drug problem."
Later...
Music: "Never Getting Back Together" by Taylor Swift
It was Taylor Swift's first set, and she was slaying it. In the audience, the guys were enchanted by the performance. Chris appeared especially smitten, which Chuck noticed.
"Chris, like any of us have a chance with a goddess like that."
Chris frowned.
"You just couldn't let me dream for a minute, could you?"
Later still...
Frankie was back on stage.
"Anyway, that's it for this evening. GOOD NIGHT, AMERICA!"
Everyone clapped as Frankie exited the stage. Once he was behind the curtain, he snorted a line of coke and followed that up with a shot of vodka. Daria approached him.
"Mr. LePope," she said, "Remember what I told you the other day...about my sister's husband coming up with his brother and some friends?"
"Um...what?"
Daria rolled her eyes.
"You agreed to meet them after the show. You even let me give them backstage passes."
Frankie stared blankly.
Daria sighed.
"You were blackout drunk when you agreed, weren't you?"
"Probably," said Frankie as his took another swig of vodka.
A short time later...
Daria was in a hallway explaining to the guys that they weren't going to meet Frankie LePope after all.
"...so unfortunately, it looks like you won't get to shake hands and take selfies with my boss after all, which is probably a good thing."
"Let me guess," said Jim, "He's in his dressing room getting wasted."
Daria nodded.
Suddenly, someone bumped into Kevin from behind.
"Hey, watch it, pal!"
Kevin turned around to see a tall, muscular guy with a shaved head and a menacing gleam in his eyes.
"eep!"
Just then, a voice everyone would recognize spoke.
"Take it easy, Rocco."
Rocco stepped aside. Who should be standing behind him but Taylor Swift herself. The guys were all visibly starstruck.
"You'll have to excuse my bodyguard," said Taylor, "He's great at his job, but not very good at being considerate."
"Ohmygod," Chris exclaimed, "You're Taylor Swift!"
Taylor smiled.
"Guilty as charged. And you are...?"
"Chris Carbone," said Chris as he introduced everyone, "my brother Jim and our friends Kevin, Jamie and Chuck. I...Well, I'm a huge fan."
Taylor smiled graciously. "So, you're a Swifty."
Chris nodded.
"Yes."
Daria explained.
"Sorry, Taylor. They were supposed to hang out with Mr. LePope, but he's...busy."
Taylor mimed holding a coke line and snorting.
"You knew," said an amazed Jim.
"No big secret," said Taylor, "You've been in the business as long as I have, you know everyone's skeletons. Listen, I'm free for the rest of the evening. You guys wanna hang out with me for a bit?"
None of the guys could visibly believe their luck. They get to hang out with one of the biggest pop stars in the world.
Empire State Building, evening...
The guys were at a place on the ground floor called Empire Brew House having dinner with Taylor Swift. Chris was hogging her attention like any guy who gets to hang out with his celebrity crush. To everyone's surprise, Taylor didn't seem to mind at all.
"You're kidding," she said with a laugh.
"Nope," said Chris, "Kevin lost his mind and tried to get his lawn mower back by taking people hostage with a water gun. I was able to convince him to let them go and got him out of the criminal charges."
Taylor believed him, while Jim was a little miffed that Chris was taking credit for something he'd actually done.
"You're a great friend," said Taylor, visibly impressed. "So, is there a Mrs. Carbone?"
"Only the one who's married to my brother," said Chris.
Jim raised an eyebrow.
Is it my imagination or is Taylor Swift actually flirting with my brother!?
"Maybe you've heard of her," Chris went on, "Quinn, the S'mores 'n' Pores girl."
Taylor was visibly impressed.
"You know the S'mores 'n' Pores girl! I'm a huge fan. I'm actually subscribed to her channel."
"You know," said Jim, "I'm a YouTuber too."
Taylor ignored him, which he found slightly off-putting. As Taylor and Chris continued to make conversation, Jim pulled Jamie aside.
"Jamie," said Jim, "Does this seem weird to you?"
"Which part," said Jamie, "Taylor Swift flirting with Chris, or the fact that he's not saying anything that might scare her off?"
"Both," said Jim, "It's kinda freaking me out."
"Me too," said Jamie, "But she's probably just being nice."
Chuck joined in. "That's gotta be it. No way the biggest pop star in the world is interested in someone like Chris."
Oddly enough, Chris and Taylor actually did seem to only have eyes for each other.
I wonder if Quinn's day was just as weird, Jim thought to himself.
Meanwhile, back in Lawndale...
Quinn and the triplets were having dinner. Quinn was fuming about her day.
"God, Jennifer is such an idiot!"
"I'm not surprised," said Teddy, "Why do you think Grandpop married her after Nonna left him?"
"Duh," said Tommy, "She's hot."
"Tommy," said Timmy, "she's our step-grandma!"
"Still hot," said Tommy.
"Still messed up," said Teddy, "Grandpop married a bimbo who's younger than Dad, and now we even have an uncle who's a full decade younger than us."
"God, don't remind me," said Quinn, "and she's so damn stupid that I'm amazed she hasn't lost her kid in a dumpster by now."
"Didn't that actually happen once," asked Timmy.
"Actually," said Quinn, "Now that I remember, it's happened more than once."
"You know," said Teddy, "You might wanna call child services. I mean, it's no secret that Grandpop and Jennifer are unfit parents."
"I would," said Quinn, "but Tony, for all his faults, and he has a LOT of them, is actually a good father to GJ. Now, if only he'd raised his other two sons in a way that didn't scar them for life."
A hotel in Manhattan, the next morning...
Jim has just finished getting dressed.
I can't believe Taylor Swift offered us a ride back to the hotel in her limo. What's more, I can't believe she didn't change her mind when only Chris took her up on it.
Jim looked at his watch.
Speaking of Chris, I'd better head to his room and wake him up. I have a big day planned for us.
A short time later...
Jim was knocking on the door to Chris's hotel room. Suddenly, the door opened. Jim's jaw dropped when he saw not his brother, but Taylor Swift...clad in just a bath robe.
"Hi, Jim," she said, "Chris is still asleep."
"I suspected as much," said Jim, "Um...What are you doing here in just a bathrobe?"
Taylor explained.
"This is a bit awkward, but last night Chris invited me up and I took him up on it. One thing led to another and...well...let's just say I slept here, though there wasn't much sleep involved, if you know what I mean."
Jim raised an eyebrow.
"Could you say that again? It sounded like you just said you had sex with my brother last night."
Taylor smiled slyly.
"We did."
Jim promptly passed out from the shock.
Act II
A hotel in NYC, day...
Jim, having passed out from shock, was starting to regain consciousness. Standing over him were Kevin, Jamie, Chuck and Chris.
"Dude," said Kevin, "You alright?"
Jim stood up, unaware that someone VERY famous was standing behind him.
"I had the weirdest dream," he said, "I dreamt that Chris hooked up with Taylor Swift last night."
"Jim," said Taylor, "That wasn't a dream. Your brother and I did hook up last night."
Jim turned, saw Taylor Swift standing right behind him, and freaked.
"GAH!"
Taylor looked at Chris.
"Is your brother always this high strung?"
"Well," said Chris, "It is a lot to take in. I mean, I'm a suburban cop, you're the biggest pop star in the world."
Taylor immediately spoke to Jim.
"Look, I know this is a shock, but the truth is that your brother and I are into each other. I find his unpretentious ways and down home simplicity a breath of fresh air. We talked about it. I'm booked for a slew of gigs here in New York, so I'm gonna be around until my next tour begins in March. We've decided to give a relationship a try."
Jim was struggling to contain his disbelief.
"Has the whole world gone completely insane?"
"Jim," said Chris, "I know it sounds crazy, but Taylor and I have decided to give it a try and see what happens."
"Thinking you're Napoleon is crazy," said Jim, "You being romantically involved with an A-list celebrity is completely outside the realm of possibility."
"My life," said Chris, "my choice. You'll just have to accept it."
Taylor nodded in agreement while the other guys just stood there, more than a little shocked by this turn of events themselves.
Deciding that talking about this unlikely pairing any further was a waste of breath, Jim decided to change the subject.
"Anyway, Chris, I have a big day planned for us. It's still your birthday weekend, after all."
"Cool," said Chris, "Just give me some time to get showered and dressed."
Taylor smiled seductively at Chris.
"Want some company?"
Chris perked up.
"You bet, babe."
Chris and Taylor went into the bathroom to shower together while Jim, Kevin, Jamie and Chuck just stood there and stared in disbelief.
Lawndale, later that day...
Quinn stood in the driveway by her car and was very unhappy. She impatiently tapped her foot while folding her arms. She then looked at her watch and scowled.
Dammit, where the hell is she!?
Quinn resumed folding her arms and scowling. One of her sons, Teddy, approached.
"Um, Mom."
"WHAT," said Quinn, much more angrily than she'd meant.
"Whoa," said Teddy, "I don't remember doing anything to deserve that...lately."
Quinn calmed down.
"Sorry, Teddy. I'm just really frustrated. Jennifer was supposed to be here two hours ago." She then changed the subject. "What's going on?"
Teddy handed his mother a slip.
"My science class is planning a field trip to the science museum in Swedesville. I just needed you to sign the permission slip, since this is one field trip I actually wanna go on."
Quinn got out a pen and signed the slip before handing it back.
"Here you go, Teddy."
Teddy took the slip.
"Thanks, Mom."
As soon as Teddy had gone back in the house, Jennifer arrived with GJ strapped to her in a baby harness.
"Hey, Quinn."
Quinn angrily pointed to her watch.
"You're late. You were supposed to be here two hours ago."
"Sorry," said Jennifer, "but first I forgot where your house is, so I took the wrong bus and wound up at the mall. I did some shopping, then remembered where your house is. Then I noticed that I forgot the baby at the mall, so I had to go back for him."
Quinn did a face palm as she groaned in frustration.
Casa Carbone, Sunday evening...
Quinn, Jim and the triplets were at the dinner table. Jim has just told his wife and kids what happened in New York. They all burst out laughing because, predictably, they thought he was joking. Quinn was the first one to stop laughing.
"HA, good...heh...Good one, Jim."
Jim sighed. "I'm not joking. We met Taylor Swift, she and Chris hit it off and now they're dating."
"Come on, Dad," said Teddy, "Even Timmy's not dumb enough to buy that one."
"Whoa," said an impressed Timmy, "Uncle Chris really is dating Taylor Swift!? That's so cool!"
"Spoke too soon," Teddy muttered under his breath.
"Come on, Dad," said Tommy, "No way someone like Taylor Swift would even look at a loser like Uncle Chris."
"TOMMY," Jim barked, "What did I tell you about calling your uncle a loser!?"
"Well, Jim," said Quinn, "You have to admit, it's very outlandish."
"I know," Jim admitted, "I wouldn't believe it myself if I hadn't actually seen it. Look, Chris likes her and she likes him back, for reasons that I can't understand. Granted, I know this relationship isn't gonna last very long, but it's happening and we have no choice but to accept it."
"Despite the fact that it defies all logic," said Teddy.
"This is so cool," said Timmy, "I can't wait to meet Aunt Taylor. I can show her all of my stage props."
Jim rolled his eyes. Has a girlfriend and that kid STILL needs straightening out. "Anyway," he said out loud, "Enough about my reality-warping weekend in the Big Apple, how was your weekend?"
"Jennifer's slowly driving Mom insane," said Teddy.
Quinn sighed. "It's true. First off, instead of just looking for a place, she calls a realtor, sets an unrealistically low price range and I have to tag along just to make sure she doesn't do anything else stupid. Not to mention her tendency to completely neglect her infant son. Doesn't that woman ever think!?"
"Funny," said Teddy, "I wasn't aware bimbo trophy wives had the ability to think."
Quinn stared daggers at Teddy for that one. Teddy, in turn, flashed a half-grin eerily similar to Aunt Daria's.
A few days later...
Kevin, Jim, Jamie and Chuck were sitting on the Thompson's porch drinking beer and talking.
"Guys," said Jim, "Do any of you think it's weird that my brother is suddenly dating one of the biggest pop stars in the world?"
"Dude," said Kevin, "Isn't it, like, illegal or something?"
"No," said Chuck, "but it is illogical."
"Actually," said Jamie, "Now that I've had some time to get used to it I'm warming up to the idea. After all, Jim, didn't Chris used to be a casting agent in Hollywood."
Jim nodded. "Before Brooke completely destroyed his self-esteem and turned him into the train wreck that he is today."
"So," said Jamie, "he used to be in a line of work where he was regularly interacting with celebrities. Maybe some of his old charisma is still there, buried under all that fat, booze and self-loathing. It'd explain why a pop star who could have any guy she wants is so into him."
"Anyone I know," said Chris as he suddenly approached the porch. Instead of his usual moldy, ill fitting T-shirt and torn, stained jeans, Chris was wearing flashy designer clothes that made even him look good.
"Dude," said Kevin, "Like, you look like Jim's brother."
"That's because it is me," said Chris, "I'm just getting back some of my old self. Being with Taylor Swift has done wonders for me. I'm dressing sharp, I'm brushing my teeth and bathing regularly again and I've already lost five pounds. Chris Carbone is back, baby."
"I don't know what's weirder," said Chuck, "You having self-confidence or the fact that we can't smell you coming a mile away."
"I know," said Chris, "Being with Taylor is doing wonders for both my physical and mental health. By the way, she's gonna be staying over at my place for a few days."
Jim was visibly worried.
"You sure that's a good idea? Your place hasn't been cleaned since you moved in thirteen years ago."
"True," said Chris, "Until yesterday! I got rid of all the junk, fixed the structural damage and tidied up."
At this point, a Rolls Royce pulled into Chris's driveway. Taylor Swift stepped out of the driver's side. Since Chris lives just across the street, he called out to her.
"HEY, TAYLOR, OVER HERE!"
Taylor smiled and walked over.
"Hey, bae," she said after kissing him. She then acknowledged the others. "Hey, guys."
The guys all said hi and acknowledged her.
"Anyway," said Chris as he pointed out Casa Carbone, which is right next door to the Thompsons, "That's Jim's house. After I help you unpack, whaddaya say we head over there and you can meet the rest of the family?"
"I'd love to," said Taylor.
"Later, guys," said Chris as he and Taylor walked to his place.
"Well," said Jim after they left, "As weird as this all is, at least she's got him taking care of himself again."
The others nodded in agreement.
Casa Carbone, later...
Quinn and Taylor were having tea in the kitchen.
"Taylor," said Quinn, "I'm curious, why Chris?"
"Duh," said Taylor, "I like him."
"I know," said Quinn, "but why? You could have any man you want, yet you pick a guy who spent the last fourteen years completely letting himself go."
Taylor took a sip of her tea. "Look, I'm a global celebrity. The kinds of men in my world are either self-absorbed pretty boys, sleazeball agents or record execs who just see me as a cash cow to be milked dry. After being surrounded by guys like that since I was a teenager, Chris is a badly needed breath of fresh air."
"Look," said Quinn, "I'm sorry if I come off a little bitchy, but I can't help worrying. I mean, Chris doesn't have the best track record when it comes to relationships. First, the ex-wife who constantly cheated on him before taking everything in the divorce. Then, the girlfriend who turned out to be a violent drunk, followed by the one that turned out to be a hooker. Not to mention the one who was even hotter than you but turned out to be a total psycho. See where I'm going with this?"
Taylor nodded in understanding. "Yeah, I'll admit Chris is something of a fixer-upper, but I was able to see past his flaws to the man he used to be and could be again."
Quinn had to admit that she had a point, especially since she knows from experience that it is possible to become attracted to someone who isn't really your type (David in Is It Fall Yet).
"Well," said Quinn, "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still a little skeptical, but I'm willing to be happy for you guys. After all, being with you seems to be bringing the old Chris back."
Taylor smiled. "Thanks, Mrs. Carbone."
"Please, call me Quinn."
Both women smiled.
That's Amore Italian Restaurant, evening...
Chris was on a dinner date with Taylor Swift at the most romantic restaurant in Lawndale. It's the same place where Brittany fell back in love with Kevin, prompting her to end her affair with Daryl. The fact that the woman with Chris is Taylor Swift was drawing a lot of gasps and stares from the other diners.
"Is that...," said one diner.
Another diner shook his head. "Can't be. Probably just someone who looks like her."
"You know," said Taylor, "I think the other diners are jealous."
"Definitely," said Chris, "I'm the luckiest man on the planet."
Taylor stifled a giggle. "I'm the lucky one."
Meanwhile, a woman at the bar was staring at the VERY unlikely couple. This woman was a big breasted blonde in a skimpy black evening dress. She the same age as Chris but, thanks to plastic surgery, looked like a twenty-something supermodel. With an evil smirk, the woman got up from the bar and walked over to Chris and Taylor.
"Hello...Chris."
Chris gasped in horror. He'd know that voice anywhere. He nervously looked up. What he saw comfirmed his suspicions.
"Well," said the woman, "It's been a long time."
Chris managed to get only one word out.
"B...B...Brooke!"
Yes, it's his ex-wife. Chris started breathing heavily and sweating profusely. Finally, he passed out from shock.
Act III
That's Amore Italian Restaurant, evening...
Chris Carbone's dream has just turned into a nightmare. He was on a dream date with a real-life celebrity, Taylor Swift, when who should show up to throw a wrench in things but his ex-wife, Brooke. Chris had actually passed out from the shock. Now, Brooke watched with an evil smile while THE Taylor Swift was trying to revive him.
"Chris, honey," said Taylor, "wake up!"
Chris opened his eyes. "Ta..Taylor?"
"I'm here, bae," said a visibly relieved Taylor.
"I had a terrible dream," said Chris as he stood up, "I dreamt we were on a dinner date when my ex-wife suddenly showed up."
"Hey, Chris," said Brooke.
Chris turned around.
"GAH!"
Brooke giggled.
"You haven't changed a bit."
Chris took a few deep breaths to calm himself down, then spoke.
"What are you doing here?"
"Well," said Brooke, "I heard a rumor online that you were dating Taylor Swift and just had to see it for myself."
Chris nervously made introductions.
"Taylor, this is my ex-wife, Brooke. Brooke, this is my girlfriend, Taylor Swift, but I'm guessing you already knew that."
"Duh," said Brooke, "Everyone in the civilized world knows who she is."
"So," said Taylor, sounding more frosty than she'd meant to, "You're the infamous Brooke."
"Ah," said Brooke in a catty tone, "You've heard of me."
"Yes," said Taylor, "I know all about how you cheated on and emotionally abused Chris the whole time you were married. I know that when he decided he'd had enough you took literally everything in the divorce. I also know that Chris needs handouts from his brother because the alimony payments are so outrageous that he can't keep enough of his own income to live on. I know everything."
Before Brooke could clap back, the band started to play a classic from the late nineties.
Music: "Sex and Candy" by Marcy Playground
"Oh, that takes me back," said Brooke, "Chris, care to dance."
Chris was tempted, but held firm.
"Brooke, I'm on a date with my current girlfriend."
Brooke sensuously ran a finger across her cleavage while batting her eyes seductively.
"Come on, handsome. For old times sake?"
Chris caved, as he was never able to resist when Brooke turned up the heat.
"O...Okay."
As Chris and Brooke made their way to the dance floor, Taylor stared daggers.
Brooke leaned in close and moved her hands seductively along Chris's shoulders as they slow danced.
"Remember when we first got together," she said.
"Yeah," said Chris, "You came onto me at a Blink-182 concert because you wanted to steal me from Brenda Williams."
"That was the ultimate triumph for me," said Brooke, "I stole the star quarterback from the most popular girl on campus."
"Well," said Chris, "You were a mega-hot blonde. Also, you did things to me in bed that Brenda would never have. I was hooked."
"You were always great in the sack, too," said Brooke, "My sexy Italian Stallion."
Chris blushed. "You haven't called me that since the first time you cheated on me, during our honeymoon."
"You were so understanding about that," said Brooke, "Now that you've pulled yourself back together, I wonder why I left."
Chris mentioned exactly why. "You said it was because I wouldn't let you screw every hot guy you meet."
"Well," said Brooke in an erotic tone, "I've grown up since then, but not so much that I can't still drive you wild. I wonder, if I wanted to, could I steal you from a celebrity?"
Chris spoke without thinking.
"If anyone could do it, it'd be you."
Brooke smiled.
This loser never could resist me.
Casa Carbone, the next day...
Jim, Kevin, Jamie, Chuck and Chris were in the basement rec room, also known as Jim's man cave, drinking beer and talking.
"Quinn's going nuts," said Jim, "helping Jennifer find a place to live is stepping on her last raw nerve."
Chris sighed as he changed the subject.
"Brooke's back."
Everyone spat out their beer in shock.
"No way," said Kevin.
Added Chuck, "I thought she'd said she never wants to see you again."
"That was my impression too," said Jamie, "Last I heard, she just wants to spend the rest of her life bleeding you dry from a safe distance."
"She does," said Jim, "That's why she never remarried, it'd stop the gravy train."
"I don't know," said Chris, "she showed up at That's Amore last night while I was with Taylor. Brooke and I got to dancing and started remembering the good times."
"Chris," said Chuck, "I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope that doesn't mean what it sounds like."
Added Jamie, "Yeah, you aren't seriously thinking of dumping Taylor Swift for that witch, are you?"
"Uh, Jim," said Chris, "I could use some brotherly support here."
"Sorry, Chris," said Jim, "but I have to side with the guys on this one. Granted, your relationship with the biggest pop star in the world probably won't last, but you can't seriously wanna end it just to get back together with a conniving bitch who completely ruined your life. Remember the cheating? The fights? The endless emotional abuse?"
"I remember," said Chris, "but I also remember the hot make out sessions that led to even hotter sex."
"That's not enough to sustain a marriage and you know it," said Jim, "Though I have to admit that a satisfying sex life is one of the ingredients, but still."
"But," said Chris, "Taylor's a big-time celebrity. I know our relationship can't possibly last."
"Yes," said Jamie, "but being with her has restored your self-confidence and gotten you to finally pull yourself back together."
Added Kevin, "Yeah, dude, you're not a total loser anymore."
Added Chuck, "You're bathing, taking care of your house, losing the weight and have even taken your drinking down to the same moderate level as the rest of us."
Concluded Jim, "You wanna go back to being a booze soaked, chronically miserable heart attack waiting to happen, because that's what'll happen to you if you get back with Brooke."
Before Chris could say anything, a visibly frustrated Quinn entered.
"UGH! I've had it with that woman!"
"Jennifer still driving you crazy," asked Jim.
"Yeah," said Quinn, "after talking her out of the REALLY bad idea of looking at condos by the shore, she dragged me here because she wants to have some of our old baby toys from the attic. She's up there right now."
Just then, there was another intrusion.
"Quinn," said Jennifer, "this woman wanted to see Chris, so I brought her down here."
Quinn's already foul mood darkened further when she saw who it was.
"Quinn," said Brooke with an evil smile, "Long time, no see."
"Brooke," said Quinn in a frighteningly icy tone, "What are YOU doing here?"*
(Author's note: For a detailed account of the mutual animosity between Quinn and Brooke, read the Quinn, Season 5 story "California Screamin'" on AO3 and here .)
"Quinn," said Brooke in a mocking tone, "Is that any way to greet an old friend?"
"Brooke," hissed Quinn as she got in the woman's face, "Let's get one thing straight; we were NEVER friends, you evil bitch!"
Brooke turned towards her ex-husband.
"Anyway, Chris, since I'm new in town, why don't you give me a tour...," She winked seductively. "...sexy. Also, I didn't budget for a hotel, so can I stay at your place for a bit?" She then sensuously traced a finger across Chris's chest. "I'd rrreellyyy appreciate it."
Chris was too turned on to resist.
"Okay!"
With that, Chris and Brooke left.
"Ohmygod," gasped Jennifer in realization, "I just realized that I left the baby locked in the attic!"
Quinn's face contorted into a mask of pure rage.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Wells Fargo Stadium, Sunday...
The Philadelphia Eagles were really putting the hurt on Kansas City. In one of the executive suites, Chris and Taylor were watching the game.
"Wow," said Chris, "I've never watched a game from the executive box before!"
"GET OFF THE FIELD, REF," Taylor screamed, "HE CAUGHT THAT INTERCEPTION OUT OF BOUNDS!" She then turned towards Chris. "Sorry about that, bae. I just hate seeing Kansas City lose and...THAT BALL WAS OUT OF BOUNDS, YOU SONOFABITCH!"
Chris was a little unnerved by the fact that football seems to bring out Taylor's bloodlust.
"eep!"
"Sorry," said Taylor sheepishly.
"It's okay," said Chris, "If the Eagels had been intercepted like that, I'd be going nuts too."
Now calm, something occurred to Taylor.
"Chris, about the other night. Has your ex-wife come around again?"
"No," Chris lied, "Why?"
"Just a feeling," said Taylor, "That night it looked like she was trying to put the moves on you, and you seemed to be giving in."
Chris was about to come up with an excuse when suddenly, the sound of loud rock music came from his pocket, accompanied by the following lyrics...
Ain't talkin' 'bout love
My love is rotten to the core
Ain't talkin' 'bout love
Just like I told you before
"I didn't know you had a Van Halen ring tone," said Taylor.
Chris looked at the screen. It was his house phone, and he knew of only one person who'd be calling from that number. He quickly pocketed the phone.
"Wrong number."
Taylor seemed to believe him.
"Um, Taylor," said Chris, "I...uh...I gotta use the men's room. Um...Be right back!"
Chris left in such a hurry that it made Taylor suspicious.
The hallway, a short time later...
Chris was talking on his cell phone.
"Sorry about that, Brooke, but Taylor was right there."
He listened.
"You were right, cheating is fun...yeah, last night was some of the best sex I'd ever had. I'd forgotten just how incredible you are in bed...Yeah, I still love you too...aww, Brooke, that's so sweet..."
Chris didn't know that Taylor had followed him and was now standing right behind him.
"Excuse me!"
"EEP!"
He dropped the phone. A second later, he picked it up.
"Sorry, you've got the wrong number! Um...Igottago!"
He frantically hung up before turning to face his visibly upset girlfriend.
"Um...How much did you hear!?"
Taylor angrily folded her arms.
"Enough to know that you're cheating on me with your ex-wife!"
Chris nervously tried to come up with an excuse, but none came to mind.
"Um...uhhh...hoboy...uhhh..."
Taylor rolled her eyes.
"Chris, it's over."
She was about to walk away when Chris proceeded to beg.
"Taylor, please! You have no idea what she does to me!"
Taylor let out a frustrated sigh.
"Look, even if you weren't cheating on me, it's obvious that you're still in love with her. You wanna ditch me for a woman who's only gonna make you miserable!? Fine, go ahead!"
With that, Taylor angrily turned around and walked out of Chris's life. He briefly sighed until something occurred to him.
"Waitaminute! This means that after fourteen years I finally have Brooke back!"
He immediately did a celebratory fist pump.
"YES!"
Casa Carbone, the following afternoon...
Jim and Quinn were hosting a fall barbecue. The kids were playing football while the adults were all mingling. Brooke was chatting with Sandi.
"So," said Brooke, "You're married to the CEO of Grace, Sloan and Paige!? That's so cool!"
"That it is," said Sandi, "That it is."
Tom approached them.
"Hey, Sandi." He then saw Brooke. "Who's she?"
"This is..."
Brooke interrupted Sandi.
"Brooke," she said, "Chris's ex-wife."
"Charmed," said Tom as he shook her hand with forced politeness.
"Hmmm, firm handshake," said Brooke in a brazenly flirty tone, "It's a shame you're married...stud."
That made Tom so nervous that he pulled his hand away.
"Um...I gotta go!"
Once he was gone, Sandi glared menacingly at Brooke.
"Word to the wise," said Sandi in a frosty tone, "You make a move on my husband and I WILL ruin you."
Brooke said nothing, but had a grin that wordlessly said Bring it, bitch!
Meanwhile, Jim was manning the grill, assisted by Kevin and Chris.
"Chris," said Jim, "I can't believe you actually dumped Taylor Swift for Brooke."
Added Kevin, "Yeah, dude. I mean, like, Brooke's hot, but it's Taylor Swift, bro!"
"Come on," said Chris, "You all said Taylor and I weren't gonna last."
"That doesn't mean you should dump her for a woman who'll only string you along for a free meal," Jim pointed out.
"Jim," said Chris, "Why can't you ever be supportive of my romantic decisions?"
"Because," said Jim, "Your life choices are usually very self-destructive, and I'm gonna have to clean up the mess."
Before the conversation could continue, a visibly frustrated Quinn approached.
"Jim, gimmie a beer! Not a can, a whole six-pack!"
"Quinn," said a surprised Jim, "I thought you only drank beer in moderation."
"I do," said Quinn, "But dealing with Jennifer's got me so worked up that I need to get drunk fast!"
Jim sighed. "I figured you were at the end of your rope, so I went and did this." He reached into his pocket and gave Quinn a piece of paper.
Quinn read it and her eyes went wide.
"Jim, is this...?"
Jim smiled.
"Yep, a lease agreement for Colonial Village apartments. I looked at the place, and it's perfect. My Dad and Jennifer can move in as soon as it has our signatures."
Quinn eagerly pulled a pen out of her pocket and signed.
"Finally! I'm finally free of that thoughtless bimbo!"
"What a minute," said Chris, "Why's the lease in your names?"
"Because," Jim explained, "It's a retirement community, and I still have the power of attorney that I used to get Dad out of that asylum two years ago. I was able to move Dad in, and Jennifer goes in as his primary caretaker."
"That's brilliant," said Chris, "but what if Dad doesn't wanna go along?"
"He will," said Jim confidently, "Since the tenants include three of his old war buddies."
Quinn handed the agreement back to her husband.
"Jim, you're a life saver!"
She then kissed him before heading off to chat with some of the other wives. Chris was visibly moved by the display.
"Jim, I just got an idea."
With that, Chris walked up to Brooke, who was by the refreshment table. He took a fork and a glass and tapped.
"CAN I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION! I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!"
Everyone dropped what they were doing and looked.
"As you know," said Chris, "I was dating Taylor Swift when who should come back into my life but my one and only true love, Brooke, who has recently moved in with me. That's why Taylor and I broke up. Now, now I can be with the woman who was always the only one for me!"
Chris then got on one knee.
"Brooke, will you remarry me?"
Everyone gasped in shock.
Brooke grinned maliciously.
"No."
Chris was stunned.
"No!?"
"Oh, Chris," said Brooke, "You sad, deluded fool. I only got back with you because I like stealing men off of women who are more successful than I am. I'm a mate poacher, not a wife."
Chris was visibly heartbroken.
"But...but..."
"Sorry, Chris," said Brooke, "but ruining your life is much more satisfying than being in it. Now that you and Taylor Swift are no longer a thing, it's time for me to steal another man."
Chris was about to cry when Teddy walked up.
"Uncle Chris, a limo just pulled into our driveway."
Everyone exited the back yard. Chris walked up to the rear of the limo. The person in back lowered the window. It was Taylor Swift.
"Taylor," said a stunned Chris, "Everything happened so fast that I forgot to disinvite you!"
"That's okay, Chris," said Taylor, "Can we talk?"
"Sure," said Chris, "I...Well, you were right. Brooke was just using me for an ego boost. I proposed, and she said no."
Brooke, having overheard, walked right up to them and grabbed Chris's arm.
"Oh, Chris, baby, no! I was just kidding! Of course I'll marry you!"
Brooke then gave Taylor a checkmate grin.
"But," said Chris, "You just said you were only with me so you could poach me off of a celebrity!"
"Oh, beau," said Brooke, "That's sooo cute, you trying to think!"
Chris was nervous. Here was Taylor Swift, forgiving him, and Brooke, suddenly interested in him again. Finally, he made his decision.
"Brooke," he said, "I need to talk to Taylor...in private!"
Brooke went from flirty to angry in record time.
"Don't...you...DARE!"
Ignoring her, Chris got in the back of the limo.
"HEY," Brooke yelled, "YOU GO BACK TO HER, AND I'LL RUIN YOU EVEN MORE THAN I DID BEFORE, YOU USELESS JERK!"
Taylor pressed a button to raise the car window. Brooke angrily pounded on it.
"DON'T IGNORE ME, ASSHOLE! NOBODY IGNORES BROOKE DESMOND!"
Inside, Chris and Taylor had a heart to heart.
"Taylor," said Chris, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I chose her over you."
"Chris," said Taylor, "I forgive you."
Outside, Brooke continued to angrily pound on the window.
"I'LL CONVINCE THE COPS YOU'RE A RAPIST IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASS BACK OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!"
"You know," said Chris as he continued to ignore Brooke, "Now I'm reminded of all the ways Brooke and I are wrong for each other."
"I understand," said Taylor, "How could you not be messed up after a bitch like that gets their claws into you."
Brooke continued to shout from outside.
"HEY, LOSER! YOU THINK SHE WON'T DUMP YOU FOR A HOTTER GUY!? YOU THINK ANY WOMAN COULD LOVE A WORTHLESS SPERM STAIN LIKE YOU!"
Chris sighed. That one really hurt.
"Chris," said Taylor, "Why is it that when someone makes you eat crap you don't deserve, you beg for seconds?"
That gave Chris's self-confidence a second wind.
"Taylor, excuse me a sec!"
Brooke was still pounding on the window when it suddenly rolled down. Chris was mooning her with his bare ass.
"EWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
Everyone else present started laughing at Brooke.
"HEY," Brooke yelled, "DON'T YOU SUBURBAN YOKELS DARE LAUGH AT ME!"
Brooke got a LOT of middle fingers as a response.
"Hey, Chris," said Taylor, "Blow her a kiss from me!"
Chris gladly farted in Brooke's face. The laughter from everyone continued long after she stopped gagging.
"THAT'S IT," said Brooke, "I AM NEVER COMING TO THIS WORTHLESS BACKWOODS TOWN AGAIN!"
"You won't be missed," Chris clapped back before rolling up the window.
Once they were alone, he and Taylor resumed talking.
"Man, that was liberating."
"Hey," said Taylor, "That bitch had it coming. You know, that's what attracted me to you in the first place. I saw that strength and confidence buried under all the years of emotional abuse, and that's more attractive than six-pack abs and a full head of hair any day of the week."
"Thanks," said Chris, "do we still have a chance?"
"No," said Taylor, "but YOU still do."
Chris felt better than he had in years.
"Thanks, Taylor."
End Chapter.