Opening Montage

Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the triplets now middle school aged. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany rebuffs an advance by Daryl in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out at the park with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' people with visible disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Timmy making out with Q Ruttheimer while three girls are practically throwing themselves at Tommy. Final shot is Quinn, Jim and the triplets standing on the front lawn and then being joined by the rest of the regular cast. They all smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...

Lawndale

this episode:

"'Twas the Fight Before Christmas"

written by

WildDogJJ

Act I

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Lawndale Mall

Music: "Jingle Bells"

Snow is falling over Lawndale Mall. Combined with the Christmas decorations, this makes it visually obvious that it's December.

Int. Shot: The mall

The mall is packed with holiday shoppers. Cut to a large pavilion to show a bunch of children in line to see Santa Claus.

Mall Santa: "HO, HO, HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Cut to a storefront with sports memorabilia in the display window. The sign reads "Fanservice Sports". Cut to inside and we see Quinn and her triplet sons looking at various items. Quinn appears disappointed in the selection.

Quinn: "There has to be something here that Jim doesn't already own."

Cut to Teddy.

Teddy: "I wouldn't bet on it, Mom."

Tommy approaches with a bobble head of Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahone.

Tommy: "Mom, check it out."

Quinn shook her head.

Quinn: "I already gave that to your father for his birthday two months ago."

Tommy: "Who said it was for Dad?"

Quinn rolled her eyes at her son's selfishness. She then appears uncomfortable as this reminds her of herself at that age. At this point, Quinn's husband, Jim, approaches.

Jim: "Whatcha looking for?"

Quinn sighed in frustration.

Quinn: "A present for you. That's why I wanted you to bring your father along on this trip, as a distraction."

Jim: "I figured that, but Dad's looking at an NFL Cheerleaders Lingerie Calendar. The fact that he's carrying my eighteen-month-old half-brother with him made being there just a little too cringe."

Quinn stifles a giggle.

Quinn: "It's an interesting window into your own childhood."

Jim lets out a frustrated sigh.

Jim: "I wish my childhood was as idyllic as GJ's. Dad treats the one he had with Jennifer WAY better than the two he had with Mom."

The conversation was cut short by Timmy approaching. He's carrying an autographed poster of NASCAR driver Joey Logano.

Timmy: "Hey, Dad! Check out what I found in the NASCAR section of the store!"

The pudgy twelve-year-old enthusiastically shows the poster to his father.

Timmy: "Whaddaya think?"

Jim: "Timmy, that's a fake. I know because the real one's already hanging in my garage."

Jim looks at his watch.

Jim: "I'd better check on my dad."

Jim leaves. Cut to the triplets.

Tommy: "Why don't we just get Dad a gift certificate?"

Teddy (deadpan): "Oh, yeah. We'll give our father the same thing we give the mailman."

Cut to a display of calendars. Jim's father, Tony, standing next to a stroller containing GJ, the eighteen-month-old son that Tony had with his much younger trophy wife, Jennifer. GJ is soundly sleeping in the stroller while Tony puts up the lingerie calendar he'd been thumbing through. Jim approaches.

Jim: "Done being a bad influence, Dad?'

Tony doesn't appreciate the joke and proceeds to make it known.

Tony: "Done being a faggy waste o' sperm, pussy ass?"

Jim explains his position.

Jim: "I just don't think it's a good idea to expose someone GJ's age to that kind of stuff."

Tony: "Hey, it's a lingerie calendar. GJ's already seen my Playboy calendar and he's doin' just fine. Hell, he's just a baby an' already more of a man than you ever were, pussy."

Jim sighed.

Jim: "Dad, I just..."

Tony interrupts.

Tony: "Say one more thing about how I raise your brother, an' I'll kick yer ass, ya whipped pansy!"

Jim sighs. He then changes the subject.

Jim: "By the way, Dad, thanks for inviting us to your new apartment for Christmas dinner. Quinn and the boys are really looking forward to it."

Tony, as usual, takes the wind out of his adult son's sails.

Tony: "I didn't do it for yas, I did it 'cause I wanna spend some time wit' my three grandsons. Putting up wit' you an' the insubordinate slut's just the price I gotta pay for that."

Jim visibly does not appreciate hearing his father insult Quinn for the billionth time.

Jim: "Dad, how many times have I told you not to call my wife that."

Tony menacingly shakes his fist at Jim.

Tony: "I'll call that bitch whatever I want, an' yer gonna take it 'cause I ain't too old to break yer jaw an' rip off yer tiny little excuses for balls...GOT IT!"

Jim sighed before nervously trying to find a safe subject. Cut to his POV and we see a display of Christmas tree ornaments next to the calendars. Cut to a smiling Jim as he takes one of the ornaments and shows it to Tony.

Jim: "Hey, Dad, how about a new ornament for your Christmas tree?"

Cut to Tony's POV and we see a green and white stained-glass ball with the word "Peace" painted on in ornate red letters. Cut to Tony looking in disgust before getting in Jim's face.

Tony: "You would like that, ya Democrat-votin' commie faggot!"

Jim emits a frustrated sigh.

Jim: "Dad, it's Jesus peace, not hippie peace."

Tony remains his usual defiant self.

Tony: "We're a Joy family, ya goddamn ingrate!"

Jim was visibly hurt by the rejection.

Jim: "But, Dad..."

Tony: "JOY!"

Before things can escalate a beeping sound comes from Jim's jacket pocket. He takes out his I-Phone, reads the text message and sighs. He then turns towards Tony.

Jim: "I gotta go to the police station, Dad. Uncle Vito got himself arrested...again."

As Jim walks away, Tony taunts him loud enough for the whole store to hear.

Tony: "HEY, LOOK AT THAT! MY SON THE SPIENLESS INGRATE IS OFF TO COVER MY IDIOT BROTHER'S ASS!"

Tony then mimes cracking a whip.

Tony: "WHUP-PISH!"

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: Lawndale Police Station, day

Int. Shot: Front desk

Jim enters the police station. The desk sergeant, a middle-aged man with a Magnum PI-style mustache, looks up and visibly recognizes Jim as it's hardly the first time the latter's shown up to bail his uncle out.

Desk Sergeant: "Hey, Jim! Was wondering when you'd show up."

Jim approaches the desk.

Jim: "Hey, Cliff, what'd my uncle do this time?"

Cliff points to the holding cells.

Cliff: "Why don't ya ask him yourself? He just woke up."

Jim approaches a holding cell. Sitting up in the cell was a visibly hung-over Uncle Vito. When Vito speaks, his voice and bloodshot eyes indicate that he's still a little drunk.

Vito: "'Ey, Jimmy...hic...Howz ya doin'?"

Jim folded his arms.

Jim: "I got your wife's text message. Public intoxication, gambling or hookers?"

Vito: "D..urp...DWI, Jimmy. Blew a point-two-five on th' breathalyzer."

Jim rolls his eyes.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: A street in Lawndale, day

Jim's Camaro was driving down the street. Cut to inside and we see Jim driving while Uncle Vito rides shotgun.

Uncle Vito: "Thanks for doin' this, Jimmy."

Jim: "Well, they did take away your license. How long's it suspended this time?"

Uncle Vito: "Three months, an' I gotta do some community service."

Jim frowns as he knows his uncle's gonna try to dump the work on him.

Jim: "What kind of service?"

Uncle Vito: "Buildin' a Habitat for Humanity house for some Ukranian refugees."

Jim is visibly stunned by this.

Jim: "They're letting you build a house for refugees!? I've been on the waiting list since September, when I decided to diversify from just doing cars on my YouTube channel!"

Uncle Vito: "Thas' why I thought o' yas. I know ya been wantin' to try new things."

Jim: "Thanks...even though I know you're just trying to avoid doing any actual work."

Uncle Vito: "Tha's what makes this perfect, Jimmy. I hate doin' physical labor, an' you love building an' fixing things."

Jim had to admit that his uncle has a point.

Jim: "True. Okay, I'm in."

Vito: "Thanks, Jimmy."

Cut to Vito's POV and we see that they're approaching a Christmas tree lot. Cut back to Jim and Vito.

Vito: "Hey, Jimmy, whaddaya say I buy yas a tree this year?"

Jim visibly has no problem with this and actually appears moved (despite the fact that Uncle Vito did try to frame him for murder a few months back).

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening

Music: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"

Int. Shot: The living room

The Carbones (Jim, Quinn and the triplets) have just finished decorating the Christmas tree that Vito had bought them and were now admiring it. The family dog, a greyhound named Stripe, approaches Jim and nuzzles him.

Jim: "Yes, Stripey, it's a beautiful tree."

He then proceeds to pet Stripe. Cut to Quinn, looking like she's a million miles away. Teddy notices.

Teddy: "Something wrong, Mom? I mean, you're not saying anything about Uncle Vito buying us the most expensive tree on the lot."

Quinn sighs.

Quinn: "Sorry, Teddy. I'm still trying to figure out what to get your father for Christmas."

Jim: "Don't worry, Quinn. I'm sure you guys will come up with something."

Tommy has an idea.

Tommy: "How about a new torque wrench?"

Jim rolls his eyes.

Jim: "I just bought myself a new torque wrench."

Timmy joins in but changes the subject.

Timmy: "Dad, are you really gonna build a house?"

Jim nods.

Jim: "Yep. It's for a family of refugees from the war in Ukraine, the Lisenkos."

Timmy: "Want us to help, Dad? That could be our present for you."

Both Tommy and Teddy stared daggers at their brother for that suggestion.

Tommy: "Timmy, I'm the quarterback, not a ditch-digger."

Teddy: "I prefer gift giving that doesn't require me to work myself to exhaustion."

Jim: "Besides, Timmy, I saw how winded you got during the walk home from Q's, and that was just two blocks, most of it going downhill. Also, I already got Mr. Thompson, Mr. Ruttheimer, Mr. White, Uncle Chris and Mr. Rowe to come in on this. I've already got a solid work crew assembled to help."

At this point, the doorbell rings.

Jim: "I'll get it."

As Jim goes to answer the door the rest of the family go to the couch. Cut to the front door. Jim opens it to find Tony standing there with an M249 SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon, a belt-fed handheld machine gun) in his hands.

Tony: "Hey, Jim. I figure since we now live in the same town, we could do what we used to do for Christmas back when you was a kid."

He proudly holds up the machine gun.

Tony: "Let's go into the woods an' shoot us a Christmas tree! HOORAH!"

Jim: "Thanks, Dad, but Uncle Vito already bought us a tree this year. Most expensive one on the lot, too."

Jim points towards the tree, which Tony eyes with a hint of...jealousy!?

Tony: "You gotta be shitting me!?"

He actually raises his machine gun and aims at the tree, but Jim blocks him.

Jim: "Dammit, Dad! You're not firing off a machine gun in my house!"

Tony: "Outta my way, pussy ass!"

Jim: "You know Quinn's gonna press charges if you fire that thing."

Tony let out a frustrated sigh and lowered the machine gun.

Tony: "Fine...BUT CONSIDER THIS GROUNDS FOR A FUTURE ASS-KICKING, YA PUSSY-WHIPPED COMMIE!"

Cut to the couch, where Quinn and the triplets are overhearing and doing their damnedest not to get involved. Cut back to the front door, where Tony continues giving Jim a tongue-lashing.

Tony: "...AN' ONLY A FREEDOM-HATIN' LIBERAL PUSSY WHO CAN'T EVEN CONTROL HIS WOMAN WOULD CONSIDER THAT GODDAMN STICK A TREE!"

Jim tries to calm his father down.

Jim: "Dad, could you please..."

Tony: "SHUT UP, PUSSY! DON'T GIMMIE A REASON TO TURN THE MACHINE GUN ON YOU!"

Tony then turns around and angrily marches back to his pickup truck. Cut to Quinn and the boys.

Teddy: "Too bad we can't get Dad a new dad for Christmas."

Quinn's face lights up as she suddenly gets an idea.

Quinn: "Or can we!? Think about it. What's the one thing your father's always wanted but never had?"

Tommy: "A Ferrari."

Timmy: "To be the next Dale Earnhardt."

Quinn: "No, a normal, healthy relationship with his own father."

Teddy (deadpan): "Yeah, we can give him that. Wanna make me President of the United States while you're at it."

Ignoring Teddy's criticism, Quinn gets up from the sofa and walks up to her husband.

Quinn: "Jim, when are you and the boys breaking ground on that Habitat for Humanity house?"

Jim: "Tomorrow afternoon. Why?"

Quinn: "Why don't you ask your father to come to the groundbreaking?"

Jim: "Because I already know what his answer's gonna be; no, followed by threats and insults."

Quinn pushes past Jim. Cut to outside and we see Tony finish putting his machine gun back in the truck. Quinn calls out.

Quinn: "TONY, JIM WANTS TO ASK YOU SOMETHING IMPORTANT!"

Cut to Jim sighing as he walks over to his father.

Tony: "Make it fast, pussy-ass!"

Jim: "Dad, tomorrow the guys and I are breaking ground on a house that we're building for a family of refugees from Ukraine. Wanna come to the groundbreaking?"

Tony scoffs.

Tony: "You kidding me!? Ya want me to participate in an act of treason!?"

Jim rolls his eyes.

Jim: "Dad, how's building a house for a family treason?"

Tony: "One, they're Ukranian, an' Trump hates Ukranians. Two, I voted for Trump 'cause I'm sick o' seeing your commie generation flush America down the toilet. Three, charity's the first step on the road to Stalinism, ya commie faggot! I otta kick yer ass for even suggesting I go to this thing!"

Jim was visibly hurt but not surprised.

Jim: "Okay."

He turns around and shuffles back towards the house. Tony looks at his son. His angry, defiant scowl momentarily turns into a look of guilt.

Tony: "OKAY, FINE, JIM! I'LL GO TO THE DAMN GROUNDBREAKING! YOU WIN!"

Jim turns around and is visibly surprised that his father is caving.

Jim: "Thanks, Dad!"

Tony: "Don't go gettin' all touchy-feely on me, or the deal's off!"

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: A construction site, day

Jim, Kevin, Jamie, Chuck, Chris and Adam (Stacy's brother) are fastening on toolbelts.

Jim: "Okay, I've set up cameras all over to record everything. Since I'm gonna put the footage on my YouTube channel, let's keep the screw ups to a minimum."

Kevin wildly swings a large hammer around.

Kevin: "You can, like, count on me...OW!"

Kevin dropped the hammer on his foot.

Jim: "Kevin, just find something to do where you won't hurt yourself or get in anyone's way."

Kevin: "Okay."

At this point, Uncle Vito's Cadillac pulls up to the curb. Vito approaches the guys after stepping out of his car.

Vito: "Hey, Jimmy, thanks for doin' this for me."

Jim: "My pleasure, Uncle Vito. Thanks for letting me film the process."

At this point, a family of four approach. The family consists of a dark-haired man in his thirties, a blond woman of the same age, a ten-year-old boy and eight-year-old girl who are both the spitting image of their parents.

Vito: "Who are youse guys?"

Jim: "They're the Lisenkos. They're the ones your building this house for."

The man approaches Vito and shakes his hand, speaking with a heavy Ukranian accent.

Mr. Lisenko: "Thanks you, Mr. Carbone. I am Viktor Lisenko."

Viktor points to the blonde woman who's his age.

Viktor: "My wife, Sasha."

Sasha shakes Vito's hand.

Sasha: "Thanks yous so much, Mr. Carbone."

Viktor points to the boy who looks like him.

Viktor: "Our son, Dimitri."

Dimitri: "Um..t..thank you...um...sorry, still learn English."

Viktor points to the girl who looks like Sasha.

Viktor: "Our daughter, Valeria."

Valeria just smiled as she shook Vito's hand, having only very recently started to learn English.

Jim: "So, Viktor, what brings you to America?"

Viktor: "War in Ukraine. This going to be first house we have since old one bombed to rubble by Russian forces."

Sasha: "That why we flee and get political asylum. War torn homeland no place to raise children. In America, children have chance for normal life."

It was at this point that Quinn and the triplets approached, doing the supportive family thing by attending the groundbreaking. Jim introduces them to the Lisenkos.

Jim: "I'd like you guys to meet my wife, Quinn, and our boys Tommy, Timmy and Teddy."

Sasha's eyes lit up in recognition.

Sasha: "You S'mores 'n' Pores girl!"

Quinn's pleasantly surprised.

Quinn: "You watch my YouTube channel!?"

Sasha nods.

Sasha: "Not much else to do at shelter while wait for asylum claim to go through."

That was when Quinn noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Cut to her POV and we see Tony's pickup truck pull up and come to a stop. Cut back to Quinn.

Quinn: "Excuse me."

She runs over to the truck, determined to give Jim the gift of a healthy relationship with his father by any means necessary. She approaches Tony just as he exits his truck.

Quinn: "Tony, you made it!"

Tony scowled.

Tony: "What's it to you, Insubordinate Slut?"

Quinn visibly represses the urge to go off on Tony for calling her that.

Quinn: "Jim has been talking non-stop about you. He keeps asking 'where's Dad, where's Dad'."

Quinn turns to her husband and calls out.

Quinn: "JIM, YOUR FATHER'S HERE!"

Cut to Jim gulping with dread. He'd hoped Tony would change his mind and not show. He approaches.

Jim: "Hey, Dad."

Tony: "Awright, I'm here to watch you cover my stupid kid brother's ass...again!"

Jim: "Thanks, Dad."

He looks at his watch.

Jim: "Anyway, I'd better tell Uncle Vito that everyone's here. He says he wants to make an important announcement before I break ground."

Tony looks...jealous.

Tony: "Jeez, Jim, why don' ya jus' suck him off already!"

Vito and Jim stand in front of the tools and materials on the site where the Lisenkos house will be built. As the crowd gathers, Vito holds up the shovel with which to dig the first piece up (the only actual work he intends to do).

Vito: "Everyone, before I break ground I wanna take this opportunity to thank the one man who made this possible, my nephew, Jim Carbone!"

Vito affectionately pats Jim on the back while everyone else applauds (except Tony, who's staring daggers at both his son and his brother).

Vito: "In the forty-three years since my favorite nephew, who's more of a son to me than my actual sons, I've had four wives, ten mistresses and god-knows-how-many one-night stands, but I only ever needed one Jim. That's why I recently changed my will. Jim's like the son I never had, so it's only right that when my number's up I leave everything to him. Jim's my nephew, my right-hand, my savior and now, he's my sole heir!"

Jim gasped in shock. His uncle has just publicly declared him the sole heir of his estate.

Jim: "You mean, after you die, I...I..."

Vito nods.

Vito: "Tha's right, Jimmy. I'm leaving yas everything."

Jim: "The mansion?"

Vito nods.

Jim: "The penthouse in Manhattan?"

Vito nods again.

Jim: "The beach house on Cape Cod?"

Vito nods.

Jim: "All of your businesses?"

Vito: "Everything. Congratulations, Jimmy!"

Jim was so moved that a stray tear ran down his cheek.

Jim: "Uncle Vito, I love you!"

Everyone gasped in shock when Jim said that. Vito suddenly went from smiling at Jim to awkwardly backing away from him. Tony looks away in disgust. Cut back to Jim as he suddenly realizes what he said.

Jim: "Oh...God..!"

Jim was supremely horrified.

Act II

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

Int. Shot: The kitchen

Quinn and the triplets are seated at the kitchen table. They're brainstorming ways to do damage control after Jim's public display of emotion the previous day. To that end, they're looking at old photo albums that Quinn had gotten from the attic.

Tommy: "Why'd Dad have to act like a woman in front of Grandpop?"

Timmy: "Yeah, Grandpop hates women."

Teddy, the most mature of the three, tries to explain.

Teddy: "Look, Dad was very moved by Uncle Vito's announcement that he'd inherit everything after Uncle Vito dies. Considering how toxic Grandpop has always been towards Dad, it's really no surprise that Dad would latch on to Uncle Vito as a surrogate father. That's why Dad always cleans up the mess when Uncle Vito does something stupid and willingly enables Uncle Vito's reckless hedonism. It's also why Dad being named Uncle Vito's sole heir made Dad overly emotional."

Tommy and Timmy stare blankly at Teddy for a second, then...

Tommy: "Brain."

Timmy: "Weirdo."

Teddy sighs and rolls his eyes in response. Finally, Quinn joins the conversation.

Quinn: "Boys, don't start! Look, we need to figure out how to fix the rift this caused between your father and grandfather."

Quinn looks at the photo album.

Quinn: "There's gotta be some happy moment of father/son bonding in here."

Cut to Quinn's POV and we see pictures of Jim as a child and Tony in his prime. We see one of a five-year-old Jim happily opening a present on Christmas morning while Tony stands behind him. Unfortunately, Tony has his arms folded and an angry scowl on his face.

Cut to Tommy's POV and we see a picture of two-year-old Jim walking across a rug in a pair of Tony's boots. In the next picture, however, Tony is whipping the toddler with his belt as punishment for Jim daring to touch his stuff.

Cut to Timmy's POV and we see a picture of ten-year-old Jim and forty-nine-year-old Tony. Tony looks happy in the picture while Jim looks traumatized.

Cut to Teddy's POV and we see six-year-old Jim standing behind a two-foot-high golf tee and holding a small baseball bat. The boy is visibly crying while a forty-four-year-old Tony is visibly berating him for not being good at tee-ball.

Cut to Teddy looking up from the pictures and sighing.

Teddy: "I give up. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack, only I don't think there even is a needle in this particular haystack."

Tommy agrees with Teddy (a rarity).

Tommy: "Yeah. In every picture I find, Grandpop is ripping Dad a new one."

Timmy nods.

Timmy: "And the ones where Grandpop looks happy, Dad looks miserable."

Quinn was refusing to give up.

Quinn: "I don't care how much of an abusive psycho your grandfather is, there just has to be one where he and your father are both happy and having fun."

Quinn sees that she's reached the end of the photo album. She lets out a frustrated sigh.

Quinn: "Dammit! You mean there's not one moment from your father's childhood where both he and Grandpa Tony are happy!"

Teddy (deadpan): "What a surprise."

Quinn scowls at Teddy. In turn, Teddy flashes a half-grin that proves that he truly is Daria's nephew.

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: Construction site, day

We see that the foundation of the Lisenko house has been done as well as the walkway, but the rest of the house has yet to be built. The rest of the guys were already there and had apparently started without Jim. Cut to the street and we see Jim's Camaro pull up and come to a stop. After the engine shuts off Jim emerges from the car with a bag in one hand. He makes his way to the guys and holds up the bag.

Jim: "Sorry I'm late. I had to stop at Deuce's Hardware and pick up some more nails."

The other guys (Kevin, Jamie, Chuck, Chris and Adam) look at Jim and start snickering.

Jim: "What's so funny?"

Cut to the guy's parting to opposite sides of the walkway. Close-up of the walkway to see a giant heart drawn in the concrete. Inside this heart shape are the words "Jim Vito 4EVER". Cut to a visibly angry Jim.

Jim: "DAMMIT, GUYS! CEMENT IS PERMANENT!"

Jamie snickers.

Jamie: "As permanent as your love, homo."

The other guys laugh hysterically.

Jim: "Dammit, Jamie, that's not the kind of love I meant, and you know it!"

Kevin: "Dude, don't be so sensitive...unless you're, like, really going gay on us or something."

Jim's anger is now visibly rising.

Jim: "SHUT UP, KEVIN!"

Chuck proceeds to taunt Jim further.

Chuck: "We aren't judging you, Jim. Whatever makes you happy...even getting...GRRR, feisty...with your uncle."

The laughter resumes, further fueling Jim's anger.

Jim: "Dammit, Chuck, I'm not gay! I was just caught up in a Halmark moment!"

Chris speaks to his brother in a mocking tone.

Chris: "Oh, poor self-loathing Jim. It's the twenty-first century, come out of the closet."

Jim's nearing his tipping point.

Jim: "You guys don't knock it off and I guaran-damn-tee some asses are gonna get kicked!"

Kevin (mocking): "Not by a wuss like you, man!"

Adam now piles on.

Adam (singing): "Jim and Vito, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-..." Jim punches him in the mouth. "...OWWWWWWW!"

Jim: "ANYONE ELSE WANNA TEST ME!?"

That stopped the childish teasing.

Jim: "That's what I thought!"

At this point the home's future resident, Viktor Lisenko, approaches.

Viktor: "Everything is okay?"

Jim: "No, Mr. Lisenko, everything is not okay! Everyone's giving me hell over what I said at the groundbreaking! Uncle Vito even wrote me out of his will! Said he didn't wanna leave everything to a faggot, it'd stain family honor!"

Jim then turns to the other guys.

Jim: "Now come on! We still have a house to build!"

Scene 3

Montage scene (shameless homage to just about every comedy from the 1980's)

Music: "I'm Free" by Kenny Loggins

First, we see a shot of the guys building the frame of the house. Jim measures out the wooden beams before Kevin and Jamie hold them in place while Adam secures the beams with a nail gun. Next, we see a shot of Chris and Chuck laying bricks to form the outer wall. Next shot is a speed shot of the bricks forming the exterior walls of the house. Next, we see Jim install insulation on the inside of the house. He then erects plywood over them to form the interior walls and uses the nail gun to secure the plywood panels in place. Cut to a shot of Chuck and Kevin mixing plaster to form drywall. Kevin splashes some of the wet plaster on Chuck. Chuck angrily responds by dunking Kevin's face in the mixture. Next, a shot of Jamie and Adam applying the drywall over the plywood that Jim had installed. Next, a shot of Kevin and Chris building the roof. Kevin accidentally nails his own hand to the roof. Cut to a shot of Kevin's hand being bandaged at the hospital. Cut back to the Lisenko house and we see Kevin and Jim installing the windows. Kevin accidentally caulks his other hand to the window frame, leading to another visit to the ER. Next, a shot of Jim and Chuck painting some of the interior walls while Kevin sits off to the side, unable to help due to both of his hands being bandaged. Next, a shot of Chris and Jamie erecting Christmas lights. Kevin flicks a light switch despite Jamie visibly warning him not too. Kevin receives an electrical shock. Cut to the ER, where Kevin's now being treated for electrical burns. Cut to the other guys visibly wondering how someone so accident prone managed to survive to his forties.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening

Int. Shot: Home office

Jim and Quinn were both sitting at their desks. Quinn is uploading her latest S'mores 'n' Pores video while Jim is talking on the phone. Cut to Jim as he frowns.

Jim: "But Dad, all I did was emote in public." Pause as Jim frowns. "Dad, I'm sorry!" Jim appears even more forlorn as he listens. "Okay, fine."

Jim hangs up and turns towards Quinn.

Jim: "Dad just uninvited us from Christmas dinner. He says he can't even look at me after I what I said to Uncle Vito at the groundbreaking. He called me a pussy, a homo and an incestuous faggot. Said he never wants to see or hear from me again."

Quinn remains determined to help her husband forge a better relationship with his father as a Christmas gift.

Quinn: "Jim, why don't you call your father back and tell him how that makes you feel?"

Jim visibly balks at his wife's suggestion.

Jim: "Dammit, Quinn, emoting to Uncle Vito is what got me in this jam in the first place. I've been disowned by both my father and my uncle, my friends all mock me incessantly. I'm being dismissed as a weakling and accused of incest and homosexuality by everyone I know. I'm not gonna make it worse by emoting to my father over the phone."

Quinn: "Jim, no one really thinks you're gay or incestuous. Your friends are just saying all that because they're all a bunch of immature idiots. Yeah, it was pretty cruel of Uncle Vito to suddenly change his mind about leaving everything to you and give it to one of his numerous bastards instead and Tony disowning you is just as bad, but I know how toxic and ignorant those guys both are. Your friends and Vito will come around eventually. As for your father, you need to try and patch things up."

Jim shakes his head.

Jim: "It's too late. I really don't think there's any coming back from this."

Quinn plays her next card.

Quinn: "Jim, I've already bought all the food. It's way too much for just us and we just finished the Thanksgiving leftovers. I don't want half of our Christmas ham going to waste."

Jim appears thoughtful.

Jim: "You know, Viktor has been helping with the project. We're becoming friends fast, and his house is almost finished. They're actually moving in tomorrow."

Jim then gets an idea.

Jim: "I know, we'll have Christmas dinner with the Lisenkos! It'll be a great way to break the house in."

Quinn frowns visibly dismayed that Jim would rather spend Christmas with people they just met than with his own father.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Colonial Village Apartments, day

The buildings in the apartment complex are all red brick colonial style townhomes.

Int. Shot: Tony and Jennifer's apartment

Quinn and Jennifer are sitting on the couch drinking tea while GJ is in his playpen.

Quinn: "You know, Jim and the boys are really bummed about being uninvited from Christmas dinner. I wish Tony would reconsider."

Jennifer takes a sip of tea.

Jennifer: "Tony won't do that because Jim's too cruel."

Quinn is visibly offended.

Quinn: "Excuse me! Even you're not too dense to realize that Tony's the cruel one!"

Jennifer is insistent.

Jennifer: "Jim IS cruel! He said he loves Vito!"

Quinn raises an eyebrow.

Quinn: "How's that cruel?"

Jennifer: "Jim should say he loves Tony! It's what Tony told me to think!"

Quinn was visibly shocked.

Quinn: "Tony...is jealous!? But...but...that's a human emotion!"

Quinn suddenly gets an idea.

Quinn: "Jennifer, how'd you like to help me patch things up between our husbands?"

Jennifer visibly likes the idea.

Jennifer: "What do you want me to do?"

Scene 6

Ext. Shot: Lisenko house, Christmas evening

Music: Silent Night

The exterior of the house is not entirely finished as the porch still needs to be built. If it weren't for the five inches of snow on the ground, we'd also see that the lawn has yet to be sodded.

Int. Shot: Dining room

Except for a few unpainted walls, the interior of the house is finished. The Carbones (Jim, Quinn, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy) and the Lisenkos (Viktor, Sasha, Dimitri and Valeria) are seated around the table. Next to Quinn, we see GJ in a highchair.

Jim: "Quinn, I can't believe Jennifer made you babysit GJ on Christmas."

Quinn: "Well, she needs a break from mothering and I kinda miss when the boys were babies, so it works out."

Cut to the triplets exchanging looks.

Teddy: "Mom's definitely up to something."

Tommy: "Definitely."

Timmy: "No question."

Cut to a wide shot of the two families.

Jim: "Now, Viktor, I'm not sure how it works in Ukraine, but here it's usually the man of the house who says grace at Christmas dinner."

Viktor: "Is same in Ukraine."

The two families bow their heads when suddenly the doorbell rings.

Quinn: "I'll get it."

She gets up and takes GJ out of his highchair. Cut to Jim eyeing his wife with suspicion.

Jim (thought VO): What's Quinn up to?

Cut to the front door. Quinn opens the door to reveal Tony and Jennifer standing there. Without preamble, she holds up GJ.

Quinn: "Someone missing a baby."

Tony scowls at his wife.

Tony: "Dammit, Jennifer, you told me you left GJ sleeping in a wheelbarrel!"

Quinn proceeds with the next step of her and Jennifer's plan.

Quinn: "Well, since you're here, why don't you come in and eat something. It is Christmas, after all."

Jennifer: "Can we, Tony?"

Tony sniffed the air.

Tony: "Well, I smell Virginia ham, and I never could resist that."

With that, Tony and Jennifer enter the house. After closing the door behind them, Quinn leads them to the dinning room. Upon seeing his father, Jim is shocked.

Jim: "Dad! What are you doing here!?"

Tony: "It's Christmas an' we're hungry."

Jim: "Well, you're welcome to join us."

Tony looked around and was visibly impressed.

Tony: "You built this house!?"

Jim nods proudly.

Jim: "Well, I had some help from the guys, and even Viktor contributed to the process."

Tony: "Nice, maybe you aren't the useless pansy I always took you for."

Jim: "Nope. Sure hope Uncle Vito likes how this house turned out."

Jim's tone makes it clear that, despite everything, he still regards Uncle Vito as a surrogate father. This visibly angers Tony.

Tony: "You hope my BROTHER likes it!? WHAT ABOUT WHAT I THINK, YA GODDAMN INGRATE!"

Jim starts to forget his manners.

Jim: "Dad, I..."

Tony cuts him off.

Tony: "THIS HOUSE IS TOTALLY HALF-ASSED, YA FREAKIN' WASTE O' SPERM!"

Tony grabs a spoon off the table.

Tony: "SOMEONE THROWS SOMETHING..."

He throws the spoon at the window hard enough to shatter one of the panes. He then picks up a chair.

Tony: "SOMEONE GETS UP TOO FAST..."

Tony angrily smashes the chair into the wall, leaving a huge dent. Tony then angrily flips the dining room table, scattering the Christmas feast all over the floor. Viktor stands up.

Viktor: "YOU CRAZY, OLD MAN!"

Tony: "SHUT UP, YA GODDAMN ILLEGAL!"

He then punches Viktor so hard that it knocks him unconscions. Tony then begins his rampage in earnest by running into the kitchen and violently opening the cabinets. He then proceeds to angrily smash plates all over the floor.

Jim: "DAMMIT, DAD, QUIT DESTROYING THE LISENKOS STUFF!"

As Tony continues, Quinn approaches Jim.

Quinn (pleading tone): "Jim, if you want your father to stop, then tell him how you feel! Tell him what you told your uncle and what you tell the dog every day!"

Jim proceeds to do just that.

Jim: "DAD!"

He turns Tony around to face him.

Jim: "I HATE YOU, YOU TOXIC MOTHERF #!"

Tony's rage goes through the roof.

Tony (venomous tone): "How...dare...you!"

Tony reaches into his jacket and whips out his handgun.

Tony: "HOW F*&$ING DARE YOU, YOU WORTHLESS SHIT! AFTER ALL THE LOVE I ALLOWED YOUR WORTHELSS BITCH OF A MOTHER TO GIVE YOU!"

Tony fires a shot into the ceiling.

Tony: "EVERYONE OUT, NOW!"

He fires a second warning shot, prompting everyone else to run out the front door in terror. Once everyone else is out, Tony uses a chair to barracade himself inside.

Tony: "I'M GONNA TEAR THIS WHOLE GODDAMN HOUSE DOWN, AN' I'LL F* SHOOT ANYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP ME!"

He proceeds to start wrecking the Lisenkos new home.

Cut to outside as both the Carbones and the Lisenkos watch in horror.

Act III

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Lisenko house, Christmas evening

Rear shot of both the Lisenkos (Viktor, Sasha, Dimitri and Valeria) and the Carbones (Quinn, Jim, the triplets, Jennifer and GJ) looking at the Lisenkos new home. From inside the house come the sounds of various objects being smashed.

Int. Shot: Living room

Tony is angrily smashing family portraits with a hammer. Behind him, we see a knocked down Christmas tree and smashed ornaments.

Tony: "GOD...DAMN...ANTI...AMERICAN...TRAITORS...RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

He tears down Viktor and Sashas wedding portrait and throws it on the floor. He then takes a baseball bar and proceeds to smash it.

Ext. Shot: The front lawn

We see both the Carbones and the Lisenkos watch with horrified expressions as Tony continues to destroy the house from the inside out. Quinn turns to her husband.

Quinn: "Jim, why don't you go in there and talk your father down? I mean, he's wrecking another family's house right now!"

Jim defiantly folds his arm.

Jim: "No! I'm done! I'm doing what I should've done years ago and giving up on that psycho! I HATE HIM!"

Quinn refuses to believe it.

Quinn: "Jim, you don't really hate your father! You're just venting because he provoked you during dinner!"

Jim: "No, I REALLY hate him, and why shouldn't I? That man's been a menace my whole life. He abused me, he abused Mom, and he calls you vile names every chance HE GETS. If Dad had his way, I'd NEVER know happiness! Hell, I'm shocked that he hasn't tried to murder me!"

Cut to Teddy.

Teddy (deadpan): "Yet you love an uncle who tried to frame you for murder nine months ago. That makes sense."

Cut back to Jim.

Jim (angry): "Shut up, Teddy!"

Quinn gets in Jim's face.

Quinn: "HEY, DON'T YOU DARE TAKE IT OUT ON THE KIDS!"

Jim: "DAMMIT, QUINN..."

Cut to the triplets while Jim and Quinn try to shout over each other in the background.

Timmy (worried): "Teddy, are Mom and Dad gonna get divorced?"

Teddy: "No, you're just an idiot."

Tommy: "This blows! I'm outta here!"

Tommy starts to walk away. Timmy tries to go after his brother.

Timmy: "TOMMY, WAIT..."

Teddy grabs Timmy by the arm in order to stop him.

Teddy: "Let him go, Timmy. I think he needs some alone time."

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: A residential street, ten minutes later

Tommy was walking down the street with an angry scowl on his face.

Tommy: (thought VO) This totally sucks balls! Grandpop's going on a rampage, Mom and Dad are fighting, Timmy's a pussy and Teddy's a weirdo!

Tommy's angry expression suddenly morphs into a depressing frown. He stops walking and sits down on the curb.

Tommy (thought VO): Why can't my family just be normal? Why can't they all just get along?

He looks like he's about to cry when there's the sound of a car approaching. Cut to Tommy's POV and we see a white limosene approach. Cut back to third person as the limo comes to a stop with the rear window right in front of Tommy. The window rolls down and we see a chubby faced man with snow white hair that anyone around in the 90's would recognize. He speaks to Tommy with a slight southern accent.

Man in limo: "Excuse me, but do ya know where the nearest McDonald's is? Ah'm havin' a Big Mack attack sumthin' fierce."

Tommy looks up but clearly does not recognize this man.

Tommy: "No, sorry."

The man notices the forlorn expression on the boy's face.

Man in limo: "Sumthin' wrong, kid? Ya look kinda down."

Tommy sighs.

Tommy: "My family sucks!"

The man is visibly sympathetic.

Man in limo: "Ah know what that's like. My father ran out on us when ah wuz a baby an' my step-father wuz an abusive drunk."

Tommy: "My parents are yelling at each other right now while my grandfather's trying to destroy another family's house because Dad told him he hates him."

Man in limo: "A family fightin' on Christmas! Now, that ain't right!"

He opens the door, revealing a rough looking, muscular man in a black suit in the back with him. This scary looking guy is the first man's bodyguard.

Man in limo: "Let's get back there. Maybe ah can git everyone to calm down."

Tommy is visibly hesitant.

Man in limo: "That's right, my presidency wuz before your time!" Extends hand. "Bill Clinton."

Tommy shakes the former President's hand.

Tommy: "Tommy Carbone."

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Lisenko house, a minute later

The Lisenkos and the Carbones are still out front. By now, Quinn and Jim have stopped yelling at each other and appear to have made up. The white limo pulls up to the curb and comes to a stop. Both Quinn and Jim gasp in shock when Tommy comes out of the back.

Jim: "TOMMY, WHAT THE HELL!?"

Quinn: "YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO TAKE RIDES FROM STRANGERS!"

Tommy smiles proudly.

Tommy: "Mom, Dad, guess who I ran into!"

Former US President Bill Clinton emerges from the limo while his bodyguard emerges from the other side. Cut to a visibly starstruck Quinn and Jim.

Quinn: "Oh...my...God!"

Jim: "President Clinton!"

Bill Clinton smiles.

Clinton: "That's right. You two must be Tommy's parents." He shakes Quinn's hand. "It's an honor, Mrs. Carbone. You an' yer husband raised a fine young man."

Quinn (blushing slightly): "Why...um...Thank you, Mr. President."

Clinton shakes Jim's hand.

Clinton: "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Carbone."

Jim (awestruck): "W...Wow! You...You used to be leader of the free world! You presided over the longest period of prosperity in this country's history!"

Clinton (faux modesty): "Guilty as charged."

Quinn turns to her sons.

Quinn: "Boys, this is Bill Clinton. He was President when your father and I were your age."

Both Timmy and Teddy take turns shaking the former President's hand with looks of pure disbelief on their faces. Clinton then turns to Jim.

Clinton: "Tommy tells me you an' yer dad are fightin'."

Jim nods.

Jim: "If by fighting, you mean he's destroying someone else's house like a petulant child. I told my father what I really think of him and, big surprise, he responds by going totally berserk."

Clinton: "Yeah, that's a problem. You know, ah once got Yitzak Rabin and Yasser Arafat to make nice, an' they hated each other. Few years later, ah wuz able to get Bosnia an' Serbia to stop fightin'. Gettin' back to th' Mid-East, Israel an' Palestine were refusing to recognize each other's right to exist, but we all know how that turned out."

Teddy (deadpan): "Yeah, they're waging a genocidal war on each other right now."

Clinton: "True, but if ah were still President, ah could easily get 'em to stop th' shootin' for a couple o' years. That's what happened the two times ah actually did mediate their dispute."

Teddy looks thoughtful.

Teddy: "Damn, you are good!"

Clinton: "Thanks." Turns to Jim. "Now, Jim, what's say we go in there to talk things out with yer ol' man."

Jim defiantly folds his arms.

Jim: "I'm not going in there. I hate the man!" Smiles. "You know, that feels better every time I say it!"

Clinton frowns.

Int. shot: Lisenkos master bedroom

Tony's about to take a hatchet to the bed when there's a knock on the door.

Tony: "What the hell!?"

He puts down the hatchet, pulls out his gun and goes to the front door.

Tony: "WHO IS IT?"

Clinton (VO, from outside): "IT'S FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON!"

Tony chambers a round as he doesn't believe Clinton. Upon looking out the peephole, however, his eyes go wide with shock.

Tony (thought VO): Holy shit! It really is the ex-President!

Keeping his gun at the ready, Tony opens the door but stands behind it for cover as the former President enters. Once Clinton's inside, Tony slams the door shut and forcefully turns Clinton around at gunpoint.

Tony: "HANDS AGAINST THE WALL!"

Pressing his gun against Clinton with one hand, Tony frisks him with the other.

Clinton: "Is this really necessary?"

Tony feels something under the former President's jacket.

Tony: "What we got here?"

He takes the gun that Clinton had hidden under his jacket and ejects the clip.

Clinton: "My security detail made me carry it! Didn't even think ah should even come in here!"

Tony was surprisingly understanding.

Tony: "Hell, I'd've done the same thing in your position!"

Tony takes the clip out of his own gun.

Tony: "Now, whatchu want?"

Clinton: "Ah wanna resolve this dispute yer havin' with yer son!"

Tony: "I'm not making peace with that goddamn ingrate! I hate him!"

Clinton sighs.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Front lawn

Clinton, having just emerged from the house, is talking to Jim while everyone else stands by and listens.

Clinton: "Well, ah wuz able to convince yer dad to give me these."

He pulls out the ammo clips from both his and Tony's guns.

Clinton: "Can anyone hold on to these while Tony holds on to the guns?"

Tommy excitedly steps up.

Tommy: "I will!"

Quinn immediately shuts her son down.

Quinn: "Know you won't, young man!" She turns to Clinton. "I'll hold the clips."

Clinton hands the clips to Quinn, then turns back towards Jim.

Clinton: "Alright. Jim, now that there's no danger of anyone gettin' shot, are ya willin' to come in an' talk things out?"

Jim defiantly folds his arms.

Jim: "Hell, no!"

Clinton lets out another frustrated sigh.

Int. Shot: Lisenkos living room, sometime later

Clinton is pacing back and forth while Tony sits on the couch fondling the empty guns. Close up of Clinton to show his growing frustration with the stubborness of both Jim and Tony.

Clinton: "Okay, just between you an' me, yuh don't really hate yer son."

Tony: "Yes I do!"

Clinton: "But...

Tony: "Head to toe!"

Clinton: "But..."

Tony: "And his bitch wife!"

Clinton lets out an even more frustrated sigh. He then tries to appeal to Tony's sentimentality.

Clinton: "Okay, but Jim was a baby once an'..."

Tony cuts him off.

Tony: "Everybody hated that baby!"

Clinton is visibly shocked to hear that.

Clinton (outraged): "HATED A BABY! MY GOD, WHUT TH' HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Tony: "He was a pain in the ass from the moment my bitch of an ex-wife spat him outta her used up cunt! He was always crying like a damn sissy...when he wasn't pissing and shitting all over the place!"

Ext. Shot: Front lawn, a short time later

Clinton was venting to Jim.

Clinton: "My God, Jim, you must have the patience of a saint! That man is so infuriating!"

Jim: "Ready to give up? Face it, Mr. President, my father and I hate each other. Always have, always will."

Clinton lets out yet another frustrated sigh.

Clinton (thought VO): Gettin' bills through a Republican-controlled Congress wuz easier than this shit!

Scene 4

Int. Shot: Lisenkos living room, sometime later

Clinton is still trying to get through to Tony, but it's not going well.

Clinton: "Tony, we're gonna play a little game. It's called Would You Push The Button."

Tony shrugged.

Tony: "Fine!"

Clinton: "Okay, here we go. Let's say there's a button in front of you. You press it, an' Jim will disappear forever. It'd be as if he were never born. Everything else would be th' same, but Jim would never have existed. Would you push that button?"

Tony responds with defiance.

Tony: "Would you? I don' gotta answer that!"

Clinton is insistent.

Clinton: "Yes, ya do. Would you push that button?"

Tony still refuses to answer.

Tony: "None o' your business, ya draft dodger!"

Clinton refuses to back down and starts to crowd Tony.

Clinton: "Would you push that button?"

Tony doubles down on his deifance.

Tony: "Get outta my face, Billy Boy!"

Clinton: "WOULD YOU PUSH THAT BUTTON!?"

Tony finally relents.

Tony: "Not yet."

Clinton smiled with visible relief.

Clinton (thought VO): 'Bout damn time! I wuz startin' to wonder if this nut would ever crack.

Ext. Shot: Front lawn, a short time later.

Clinton has just told Jim what happened. Jim is visibly stunned.

Jim: "Dad said he wouldn't oblitherate me!? His own words!?"

Clinton nods in the affirmative.

Jim (pleasantly surprised): "How about that? My father doesn't want me dead after all!"

Clinton: "Now, are you willin' to give him another chance?"

Jim nods.

Jim: "Yes! Tell him I wouldn't press the button either."

Clinton smiles, having FINALLY made some progress.

Scene 5

Int. Shot: Living room, a short time later.

Clinton has just told Tony that Jim wouldn't push the button either.

Tony: "Of course he wouldn't. Kid's got no balls!"

Clinton is visibly disappointed. Cut to Tony as he slumps his shoulders and sighs.

Tony: "Aw, who am I kiddin'? I know it's because he doesn't really hate me, just like I don't really hate him. We both just got caught up in the heat of the moment."

Clinton smiles. He then plays his next card.

Clinton: "Ya wanna come out now? Make peace with your son?"

Tony nods and begins to get up from the couch. Suddenly, he changes his mind and sits back down.

Tony: "Waitaminute! How do I know this isn't some kinda trick? How do I know your security detail won't blast me the minute I step out of that door?"

Clinton: "Because I'm gonna let you use me as a human shield."

Tony: "I want one more thing. Gimme that, an' I'll come out an' make peace wit' Jim."

Clinton nodded in agreement.

Clinton: "Name it."

Tony: "Well, Jim and I used to celebrate Christmas by shooting a tree together. Since we didn't get to do that this year, can we shoot up your limo."

Clinton is visibly disappointed.

Clinton: "Yer not shootin' up the limo, Tony. Hell, it's not even my car. It belongs to the Secret Service."

Tony is unwilling to cave.

Tony: "No shooting, no deal!"

Clinton sighs in defeat.

Clinton: "Well, it's reinforced an' the windows are bullet proof." Pause. "Fine, you an' Jim can shoot up th' limo."

Tony grins triumphantly now that he's going to get something out of this.

Scene 6

Ext. Shot: Lisenko house, a short time later.

Clinton emerges from the front door with Tony standing behind him. True to his word, the former President is allowing Tony to use him as a human shield. Clinton looks at his bodyguards.

Clinton: "NOBODY SHOOT! MISTER CARBONE IS UNARMED AND WANTS TO MAKE PEACE!"

Both Clinton and Tony walk over to the rest of the family. Next, Tony and Jim face each other.

Jim: "Dad, I'm sorry I said I hated you. I didn't mean it; I was just angry."

Tony: "I'm sorry I disinvited you from Christmas dinner. I was just pissed that you said you love your uncle more than you love me."

Jim: "I don't. Uncle Vito's my uncle but YOU'RE my father, and that'll never change."

Tony smiles.

Tony: "You'll always be my son, Jim."

They shook hands. Tony then turns to Clinton.

Tony: "Now, about shooting up the limo."

Clinton frowns as he'd been hoping that he wouldn't have to deliver on that promise.

Clinton: "Tony, I'm not sure..."

Jim interrupts.

Jim: "What's going on?"

Tony: "Clinton promised that you an' me could shoot up his limo."

Jim turned to Clinton.

Jim: "That true?"

Clinton sighs.

Clinton: "Yes, but ah only did it to get yer father to come out."

Jim: "Deal's a deal, Mr. President."

Clinton sighs again.

Clinton: "Okay, ya can shoot the limo but try not to hit the tires."

Tony whips out the empty guns he'd been carrying and hands Clinton's gun to Jim.

Jim: "Quinn, the clips, please?"

With a sigh, the visibly embarrassed Quinn hands one clip to Jim and the other to Tony. Both men proceed to lock and load. Next, Jim aims at the front of the car while Tony aims at the back.

Jim: "Ready."

Tony: "Aim."

Both: "OPEN FIRE!"

They empty both guns on the limo. Cut to Jim and Tony visibly enjoying what they're doing. Cut to the car as bullets go into the doors and side panels. Suddenly, a round goes into the backseat window, shattering it.

Tony (VO, off screen): "Sorry, aim's not what it used to be!"

Cut to a visibly shocked and outraged Clinton.

Clinton: "They told me those windows were bullet proof!"

Cut to Jim and Tony exchanging smiles as the now spent clips eject from the guns.

Tony: "Jim, I love shootin' wit' yas."

Jim: "I love shooting with you too, Dad."

Cut to Quinn as she talks to the triplets.

Quinn: "I don't EVER wanna see you boys do that!"

She then turns to the Lisenkos.

Quinn: "Sorry about all this."

Viktor: "I accepts apology."

Quinn is visibly relieved to hear it.

Quinn: "Well, now that that's all over, let's go inside and finish Christmas dinner."

All four members of the Lisenko family are visibly horrified by that prospect.

Viktor: "Actually, Quinn, I think if best if you all leaves now."

Sasha: "It's not that we don't like you, Quinn, but your family is...what is English word...crazy!"

Before Quinn can protest, we see the Lisenkos frantically run into their house. This is quickly followed by the sound of the door being locked in an uncomfortable hurry.

Ext. Shot: sidewalk, a few minutes later

The Carbones wave as Bill Clinton's limo speeds off into the night. Apparently, the Lisenkos aren't the only ones who've had enough of the Carbones. Cut to Jim and Tony standing next to each other.

Jim: "Awfully nice of Clinton to let me keep his gun."

Tony: "Draft dodger like that don't deserve to have a Glock-9 anyways."

Jim smiles at his father.

Jim: "He's pretty good at settling disputes, but he did drop the ball when it came to Bin Laden."

Tony smiles at Jim.

Tony: "He was always stuffing his face wit' Big Macs."

Jim: "Lied about screwing interns in the Oval Office."

Tony: "Let big tech rip everybody off."

Jim: "Made us economically dependent on Chinese made goods."

Tony: "Henpecked by OPEC."

Jim: "I love you, Dad."

Tony: "Love you too, son."

Shot of the whole family gathering together. They then break the fourth wall by looking at us and waving.

Entire Family: "MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!"

End Credits.