Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the triplets now middle school aged. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany rebuffs an advance by Daryl in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out at the park with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' people with visible disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Timmy making out with Q Ruttheimer while three girls are practically throwing themselves at Tommy. Final shot is Quinn, Jim and the triplets standing on the front lawn and then being joined by the rest of the regular cast. They all smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
this episode:
"Teddy the Time Bomb"
writen by
WildDogJJ
Act I
Glenfield Middle School, day...
Quinn and Jim's son, Teddy, is walking towards his locker at school. Upon reaching said locker, he sighs. Someone had written "I EAT COCK" in permanent marker on Teddy's locker...again. As he began to turn the lock...
"Hey, homo!"
Shane Sloane (Tom and Sandi's son) approached. As usual, Shane was accompanied by his two muscle-bound lackeys Al and Lou. They crowded Teddy.
"So," Shane taunted, "You gonna blow a guy in the bathroom before first period?"
"No," said Teddy, "Are you?"
Lou punched Teddy in the stomach.
"That's for implying Shane's a homo," Al barked.
Teddy's eyes narrowed as he looked at Shane.
"Well, at least you didn't misspell cock this time."
This got him a second punch in the gut, this time from Al.
"That's for calling the boss dumb," said Lou.
"Hey, freak," Shane taunted at Teddy, "Say hi to your boyfriend for me. By the way, how's it feel when you're the bottom."
Shane and his goons walked away laughing while Teddy stared daggers at them.
A classroom, later...
Teddy was in language arts. The teacher, a scrawny, balding man with thick glasses, was discussing the assignment. His name was Mr. Melvin.
"I have exciting news, class," said Melvin in a voice that sounds like a cross between Mr. O'Neil and Artie, "This week, we're going to take what we've learned about the creative writing process and put it into practice. I want each of you to write a short story to then read aloud to the rest of the class. Isn't that exciting?"
Teddy couldn't resist. "I wasn't aware school and excitement went together."
Sitting next to Teddy was Rachel White (Jamie and Nicole's daughter, who's basically the Jane to Teddy's Daria). She stifled a giggle.
"Nice one, Teddy."
It was at this point that one of the other kids in class, Kevin Junior, raised his hand.
"Mr. Keller."
"Yes, Junior."
Kevin Junior asked, "What's a short story?"
Mr. Keller frowned at the question.
"You know," Rachel said to Teddy, "It's ironic that he's as dumb as Mr. Thompson given who Junior's real father is."*
"I guess stupidity is environmental instead of genetic," Teddy quipped in turn.*
*(For those presumably few who don't know, Kevin Jr. is actually the product of Brittany's fifteen-year-long extramarital affair with Daryl, but both Kevin and Kevin Jr. remain blissfully unaware of this fact.)
Hallway, after class...
Teddy and Rachel were walking and talking.
"So," said Rachel, "What do you think of this writing assignment?"
"Well," said Teddy, "It's nice to actually have a school assignment that isn't a pointless waste of time. Now I just have to come up with a story idea."
"Well," Rachel quipped, "That should take all of five minutes."
They exchanged smirks until...
"Well, well, well..."
They instantly recognized Shane's voice. Teddy and Rachel turned around to see Shane Sloane approach, accompanied by Al and Lou.
"...the four-eyed homo and his beard. Hey, Rachel, what's it like to hang out with a faggot?"
"Hey, Shane," Rachel clapped back, "What's it like to have nothing better to do than harass us with homophobic slurs."
Al punched her in the gut.
"That's for backtalking Shane," Lou barked.
"Well," Shane taunted, "I guess the beard's feeling protective of her homo boyfriend."
"One," Teddy pointed out, "I'm not gay. Two, Rachel and I are just friends. Three, it's really pathetic that you're so insecure that you have to build yourself up by tearing the rest of us down."
Lou punched Teddy in the gut.
"That's for calling out Shane," Al barked.
Teddy and Rachel stared daggers as the three bullies walked away laughing.
"I wish I was a spoiled trust fund baby," said Rachel, "Then I could be a total jerk who never faces consequences and have a pair of muscleheads rough up anyone who calls me on my crap."
"If only," said Teddy, "Being bullied by Shane I can handle. What I can't handle is knowing he's never gonna suffer consequences once in his life just because his last name's Sloane."
Suddenly, Teddy's eyes lit up.
"I just got an idea for a story!"
Casa Carbone, evening...
Jim, Quinn, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy were seated around the kitchen table having dinner. Tommy was talking about his day.
"...so then Cindy asked me out."
"Tommy," said Timmy, "Isn't Cindy Mitchell the band geek with buck teeth and thick rimmed glasses?"
Tommy nodded. "That's why I shot her down. I mean, I'm the freaking quarterback! I can't be seen going out with an ugly band geek."
"Tommy," said Quinn, "I really hope that by 'shot down' you mean 'let down gently'."
"I dunno," said Tommy, "How gentle is is to laugh before telling her that football playing studs don't date ugly band nerds?"
Both Quinn and Jim frowned in disappointment.
"Oh, yeah," Teddy deadpanned, "Real gentle, and I'm sure Cindy will agree after a decade of crying and therapy."
Jim decided to change the subject.
"So, Timmy, how was your day?"
"It was great, Dad," Timmy beamed, "I developed a new dance routine for the pep rally. The Glenfield Wolf and Head Cheerleader do a synchronized twerk!"
That caused both of his parents to cringe.
"Um, Timmy," said Quinn, "Isn't that inappropriate for middle school?"
"That's what the coach said," Timmy admitted, "But it was still fun."
Teddy couldn't resist making his own color commentary.
"Was that before or after Q saw you grinding on Leslie and got crazy jealous?"
"How'd you know," said a curious Timmy.
"Well," said Teddy, "girls typically don't like seeing their boyfriends dance suggestively with other girls."
"I know that," said Timmy, "now."
Teddy rolled his eyes. "Anyway," he said, "Before this gets any more cringe, let me tell you about my day."
"Teddy," said Tommy, "Nobody cares."
"Tommy," Quinn hissed, "Don't..." Her cellphone went off. "Just a minute." She listened. "What!? Dammit!" Pause as she listened. "Well, hopefully it's not gonna force us to shut down." Quinn then hung up. "Gotta run! There was a fire at the restaurant. I gotta go and make sure we won't need to close down for repairs." With that, Quinn got up and left.
Teddy was visibly dejected by the fact that his mother had to run and the rest of the family's disinterested in anything he has to say.
Teddy's room, later...
Teddy was typing away on his computer. As soon as he finished typing, he sat back with a surprisingly content look on his face.
"Damn, writing that was cathartic."
Glenfield Middle School, the next day...
Teddy, Rachel and the other students sat in Language Arts as Mr. Melvin stood in front of the class.
"Well," said Melvin, "Are we ready to share our stories with the world!?"
He was briefly disillusioned by the lack of an enthusiastic response.
"Now, who'd like to go first?"
Again, no response, prompting another frown from Melvin as he immediately picked a student at random.
"Teddy, you go first."
Teddy took his finished story, got up from his desk and walked up to the front of the class. He faced his classmates and held up the story, proceeding to read it aloud.
"I call this story "Rise of the Meek"."
He then read.
"Darius Carson was an intelligent, bespectacled middle school student. He'd been gifted at birth with adult-like awareness and genius level intelligence. Unfortunately, Darius' gift was also his curse. No one understood him. Not his family, nor his peers, nor his classmates. His biggest tormentor at school, though, was a football player named Sean Griffin. Sean was an arrogant trust fund baby, forever destined to never suffer consequences for his actions due to his family's limitless wealth and power. He loved to lord over the other students, and Darius was his favorite target. One day..."
Later...
"...Sean, castrated and bleeding profusely, looked up at Darius as the school burned all around them. He begged for his life, but his pleas fell on death ears.
"'Please,' said Sean meekly, 'Have mercy'."
"'No', Darius replied coldly, 'You'll never change. I'm doing the world a favor by sending you to Hell'"
"The last thing Sean saw was Darius bringing down the blood-soaked knife, ending the existence of his greatest enemy. Darius enacted the final part of his plan, escape. He fled the burning school through a hidden passageway that only he knew of. With his tormentors all dead, the school burned to the ground, and Darius' home burned down as well, it was assumed that Dairus was himself among the slain. In truth, Darius traveled to Europe under an assumed identity. He would grow up to be a best-selling author and live his best life. Justice had finally been done. The end."
No one in class knew what to make of Teddy's ultra-violent story. Mr. Melvin just sat in his chair with a look on his face that was simultaneously shocked and frightened.
The hallway, after class...
Teddy and Rachel were walking.
"That was a cool story," said Rachel, "I really liked the part where Darius slowly removes Sean's testicles with a butcher knife. Now, if only someone would do that to Shane Sloane."
"For that to happen," Teddy quipped, "Shane would have to actually have something to remove. I mean, why do you think he hides behind Al and Lou all the time."
Rachel stifled a giggle.
Next class period...
Teddy and Rachel were in math class. The teacher was writing an equation on the board when an announcement came over the intercom.
"Attention, class. Will Teddy Carbone please report to the principal's office?"
Teddy sighed as he emerged from his desk.
Principal's office, a short time later...
Teddy approached a door that read 'Joseph Black, Principal. With a sigh, he opened the door. Seated behind the desk was Joey, formerly of the three J's, now the principal of Glenfield Middle School. To Joey's right stood Teddy's Language Arts teacher, Mr. Melvin. To Joey's left stood the school psychiatrist, a bearded, balding man in glasses. Joey motioned to the chair in front of his desk.
"Teddy," said Joey in a stern yet worried tone, "Have a seat while we wait for your parents."
"Um," said a worried Teddy, "What's going on?"
"Well," said Joey, "Your Language Arts teacher showed me a story you wrote that's...well...concerning."
Act II
Glenfield Middle School, day...
Teddy was now stuck in the principal's office because he'd written a short story for language arts that the teacher found disturbing. As it turns out, the principal is none other than Joey, formerly of the three J's. Also present were Teddy's language arts teacher, Mr. Melvin, and the school psychiatrist.
"So," said Teddy, "I'm in trouble for a fictional story I wrote as a class assignment. Funny, but I don't recall the story using obscene language or depicting sex."
"Well, yes," said Melvin, "But it contains graphic violence, something I wasn't clear about not allowing because I'd assumed someone your age wouldn't be capable of writing something so...disturbing."
Added Joey, "It portrays arson, brutal murders and even a moment where your protagonist castrates the antagonist before violently murdering him. Both your teacher and I are concerned because, based on the names and descriptions, it's clear that the protagonist is based on you and the antagonist is based on Shane Sloane."
Teddy plead his case. "Just because I drew on real people for inspiration doesn't mean I'm actually going to do those things. It's a fictional story, nothing more."
"Nevertheless," said Joey, "It's very concerning, and the last thing I need is a school massacre happening on my watch. I've already taken the liberty of calling in your parents."
As if on cue, both Quinn and Jim enter the office.
"Teddy," Jim practically growled, "What did you do!?"
Added Quinn, "Who'd you insult and what did you say, exactly?"
"Quinn...I mean, Mrs. Carbone," said Joey, "Your son wrote a short story for class, a story Mr. Melvin and I both find highly disturbing." He then pointed to the bespectacled man with a beard. "Allow me to introduce Dr. Kohlman, our school psychiatrist."
Dr. Kohlman shook hands with both Jim and Quinn. "Pleasure to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Carbone."
As Quinn and Jim took their seats the psychiatrist got right to the point.
"I've been going over Theodore's file and, in light of this incident, I see great cause for concern. Your son is uncommonly intelligent and very perceptive for his age. Unfortunately, he seems to be very anti-social. He only ever seems to interact with one other student, one Rachel White. He appears openly disdainful of all others. He's also been known to make snarky, disrespectful remarks at the expense of his teachers. His unusual personality also appears to make him a frequent target of bullying."
"Can't say I'm surprised," said Jim.
Added Quinn, "He was always like that. It's just the way Teddy is."
Dr. Kohlman eyed both parents with obvious concern.
"I find it disconcerting that you're both so non-chalant about this."
"After twelve years," said Jim, "I'm pretty used to this."
"Besides," said Quinn, "My sister was exactly the same way at his age. This isn't the big deal you're making it out to be."
"I beg to differ," said Dr. Kohlman, "In light of the disturbing story your son wrote for a class assignment. It contains graphic violence as well as characters that are clearly based on Teddy and his classmates. The story is clearly a revenge fantasy."
"As I already explained to your son," said Joey, "I can't have one of the students snapping and turning this school into the next Columbine or Parkland. Tell me, do either of you own guns?"
Jim took offense. "Excuse me! What's that got to do with anything?"
"Jim, calm down," said Quinn, "Jim owns a handgun and a hunting rifle, but he keeps both secure at all times. The kids don't have access to them."
Joey, Dr. Kohlman and Mr. Melvin all gave Jim a look that wordlessly said he's the worst parent on the planet because of this.
"Look, guys," said Joey, "I'm afraid the district requires me to enforce a zero-tolerance policy about these things. I have no choice but to suspend Teddy for a whole week before deciding whether or not to expel him."
Quinn and Jim both gasped in shock.
"Expelled," exclaimed Quinn.
"For writing one stupid story," said the equally incredulous Jim.
"Possibly," said Joey, "I'm suspending Teddy for a week, so I have time to think it over. Either I expel him, or I place him in an after-school program for at-risk students."
"So," Teddy quipped, "I guess this means forgetting the whole thing after I serve my suspension isn't in the cards then."
"Teddy," said Joey in an authoritative tone that would make Ms. Li proud, "If I showed even the slightest tolerance, then it couldn't be called zero tolerance." His tone then became apologetic as he addressed Teddy's parents. "I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. If I don't suspend and try to segregate Teddy, then the school board will just replace me with someone who will."
Casa Carbone, evening...
Teddy sat alone in his room reading The Invisible Man. There was a knock on his door.
"I'd say come in, but you'll probably just do that anyway."
A second later, Timmy entered.
"Teddy, it it true?"
"Which part," asked Teddy, "The story that everyone's reading into way too much, my being suspended from school, or Mom and Dad grounding me? The answer to all three is yes."
"Is it true that you wanna kill Shane Sloane and burn down the school," asked Timmy with fear in his voice.
Teddy rolled his eyes. "Timmy, that was just a fictional story. I'm not a murderer or arsonist, nor do I aspire to become one. I'll tell Tommy the same thing when he comes in to give me hell over this."
"Actually," said Timmy, "Tommy doesn't wanna be near you. He's afriad you might shoot him or come at him with a knife."
"Tempting as that is," said Teddy, "I'm not going to kill Tommy, though I could argue that it's justifiable homicide if I do."
Timmy looked at his brother with terror in his eyes.
"I was joking," said Teddy with an eye roll.
"Um...okay," said the freaked out Timmy. Timmy then looked at his watch. "Oh, is that the time! Um...gotta go!"
Timmy left the room in an uncomfortable hurry.
"Well," said Teddy to himself, "At least I've found a new way to keep the dumbass duo off my back."
Teddy then picked up his cell and dialed a number.
"Hello," said Rachel on the other end.
"Hey, Rachel," said Teddy, "I guess you've heard."
"Yeah," said Rachel, "The cesspool of stupidity that is Lawndale strikes again. How's prison?"
"It's hell," said Teddy, "but both my home and school lives are like that anyway. At least it's just a week, then we can make up for lost time."
"Actually," said Rachel, "We can't. When my parents found out what happened, they freaked...especially Dad. Mom didn't take long to cool off, but my Dad is putting his foot down."
"Um...I'm not gonna like what you say next, am I," said Teddy.
Rachel sighed. "Dad says we can't be friends anymore. Both Mom and I tried to change his mind, but he won't budge. Says he doesn't want his little girl associating with someone who's a mass murderer in the making. Mom tried her usual tactics for making Dad be reasonable, but he's actually willing to risk a divorce over this."
Teddy frowned. He's grounded, suspended, in danger of being expelled and now he's lost his only friend on top of all that.
Glenfield Middle School, the next day...
Tommy, Timmy, Q and Kevin Jr. were hanging out by Tommy's locker between class.
"God," said Tommy, "I can't freaking believe this. I mean, I'm the QB. I can't have a psycho for a brother."
Q spoke up. "Um, Tommy, have you considered that maybe Teddy's not a psycho and this is all just a misunderstanding?"
"Come on, babe," said Timmy, "You know what a weirdo Teddy is."
"Yeah," added Kevin Jr., "We all know that guy's a total freak."
Q found herself agreeing. "Come to think of it, Teddy is kinda creepy." She then turned to her boyfriend. "Timmy, I know he's your brother, but he does kinda freak me out. Maybe he really does wanna kill Shane and burn down the whole school."
"Speak of the devil," said Tommy as he saw Shane approaching, accompanied as always by his two lackeys Al and Lou.
"So, Q," said Shane, "Since Titty's brother is a psycho killer, you ready to trade up to a real man?"
Q rolled her eyes. "Shane, even if I were single and desperate, there's no way in hell I'd ever go out with a spoiled rich jerk like you."
Al was about to ball up a fist, but Lou stopped him.
"Al, we're in middle school now...and on the football team. Cheerleaders are off limits."
Al lowered his fist and spoke apologetically to Q.
"Sorry, habit."
Shane then decided to use the situation with Teddy to take Tommy down a peg, just like his own mother, Sandi, used to do to Quinn.
"You know, Tommy," said Shane, "If your weirdo brother's a homicidal maniac, how do I know you aren't one two? Maybe it runs in your family."
Tommy was nervous as he knew this was actually a veiled threat to his own popularity.
"Shane, Teddy's adopted."
"But, Tommy...oof!"
Tommy elbowed Timmy before he could say anything else.
"Shut up, Timmy!"
Tommy then turned his attention back to Shane.
"Um...Yeah. Teddy's adopted!"
No one is buying this for a very obvious reason.
"Then why does he look like you in dorky glasses," said Shane in a condescending tone.
Tommy instantly fished for an explanation.
"We're cousins. His real mom and my mom were twins. Um...My parents took him in after his real mom killed herself. Yeah, that's it! What can I say, my parents are just too charitable for their own good."
Shane doesn't bleieve him, but pretends otherwise so that he can lord the secret over Tommy's head for the six-and-a-half years between now and highschool graduation.
"Okay, that explains it. I just hope you aren't lying, 'cause if you are and get found out everyone's gonna think you're pathetic."
Tommy was both relieved and nervous.
As it turned out, Rachel White, was walking by. She'd overheard the whole thing and stared daggers at Tommy for throwing his brother/her only friend under the bus like that.
Casa Carbone, evening...
The entire family was seated at the kitchen table having dinner. Tommy, as usual, was bragging about his day.
"...then at lunch I was asked out by Jenny Leerson. Of course I said yes. I mean, I'm the QB and she's one of the hottest girls in school."
Teddy immediately dropped the bomb. "You forgot to mention making sure the whole school thinks I'm adopted."
"Tommy," Quinn hissed.
"How could you spread rumors about your own brother like that," Jim barked.
"Mom, Dad," said Tommy, "I had to. I mean, how would you feel if you had a brother who's a dangerous psycho?"
"Tommy," said Quinn, "I get it. I used to claim Daria and I aren't related too. Trust me, no one really cares that your brother isn't as popular or you. I wish I'd known that when I was your age."
"Mom," Tommy protested, "If it gets out that Teddy's my brother, everyone will hate me! I mean, he wants to kill Shane Sloane and burn down the whole school."
"Yeah," added Timmy, "We're all scared. Q's freaking out, and I don't know if I can protect her if Teddy snaps."
Added Tommy, "Do you have any idea what it's gonna do to my status if he goes Parkland on us!?"
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Boys, all your brother did was write a violent story. He's not some time bomb waiting to go off!"
"I don't know," said Jim, "I mean, last year my uncle tried to frame me for murder, and my father tried to frame me for an act of terrorism just last weekend."
Quinn rolled her eyes again. "Jim, you can't seriously tell me your falling for the mass hysteria!"
"Well," said Jim, "Maybe there's some psycho gene on my side of the family and I passed it on to Teddy."
"If that's true," said Teddy, "Then Tommy and Timmy are also mass murderers in the making since, being triplets, our DNA is completely identical."
Jim thought it over for a second.
"Yeah, come to think of it, I think I am getting sucked into the hysteria. I mean, this is the kind of situation where fear tends to overwhelm reason."
Added Quinn, "And I hope it blows over soon."
Glenfield Middle School, the next day...
Joey was seated at his desk in the principal's office while Dr. Kohlman sat across from him. Kohlman was making his recommendation of what to do with Teddy.
"Based on my interviews with teachers, parents and classmates, along with my own revue of Teddy's permanent record, I can now confidently saw that the boys poses no danger to the school or it's students. He has a dark imagination and a cynical outlook, but there's nothing to suggest that he's a danger. Indeed, he displays an emotional maturity well beyond his years. This story was just a fantasy, nothing more."
Joey breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God! I won't half to expell him after all. I so wasn't looking forward to having that conversation with Quinn."
"Just to be safe," said Kohlman, "I do think that after his suspension's up we should enroll him in the after-school class for students with mental health issues, just to ensure that he doesn't become a threat later on. Otherwise, just let him be."
"Okay," said a relieved Joey, "Let him return, but keep an eye on him. I think I can do that." He then opened up a large book titled School District Policy. He thumbed through it for a few seconds. "Let's see...okay, I can do that. Good, means I can go with your recommendation without risking my job."
Dr. Kohlman frowned as it's obvious that Joey cares more about his own job security than student welfare. Suddenly, the door swung open, startling both men.
"Um...Oh, hi, San...I mean Mrs. Sloane," said Joey as he quickly calmed down.
Standing in the doorway was Sandi, and she did not look happy.
"Why haven't you expelled Teddy Carbone," she asked in a haughty tone.
Dr. Kohlman answered. "My own investigation and professional analysis has determined that he does not pose a danger to other students. He just wrote a disturbing fictional story."
"I beg to differ," Sandi insisted, "Young Theodore fits the profile of a future mass murderer perfectly. He wants to kill my son, for chrissake!"
"No," said Joey, "He doesn't. He wrote a fictional story, nothing more. Shane's in no danger whatsoever."
"I disagree," said Sandi with a triumphant smirk, "And so does the Superintendant of Schools...after I threatened to withdraw my financial support for the public school's, that is."
Joey and Dr. Kohlman said the same thing at the same time in response.
"eep!"
Glenfield Middle School, later that day...
Quinn and Jim were taking their seats in front of Joey's desk.
"Thanks for coming in on such short notice," said Joey.
"What's going on," asked Jim with a concerned voice.
Joey took a breath before explaining. "See, I'd decided that after Teddy's suspension was over we'd simply require him to take a special anger management class after school but otherwise allow things to continue as before."
Quinn could tell something was up.
"I sense a 'but' coming."
"But," Joey confirmed, "It turns out that Shane's mother caught wind of what's going on."
"So," asked Jim.
"So," Joey explained, "Sandi's on the warpath over this. She's already gone to the school board and threatened to pull all financial support from the public school system."
"Uh-oh," said a VERY worried Quinn.
"Yeah," said Joey, "The Superintendent folded like a dollar watch when Sandi threatened to stop the gravy train. Now, I have no choice. I have to either expel Teddy or I'll be fired."
Quinn and Jim gasped in horror.
Act III
Casa Carbone, day...
Quinn and Jim were back from their emergency meeting with Joey. Now they were seated with Teddy in the living room and have just explained what happened.
"So," said Teddy, "I'm expelled just because Shane's mother has enough clout to impose her will on the entire school board."
"I'm afraid so," Quinn explained, "Teddy, I'm so sorry."
"So," said Teddy, "Am I being homeschooled, or sent elsewhere?"
"Two words," said Jim, "Buxton Ridge!"
"Dammit, Jim," Quinn barked, "There is no way in hell that we're putting Teddy in a military academy, especially the one that traumatized my father!"
"Like hell," Jim fired back, "Dammit, Quinn, we've been doing it your way for the last twelve years and, what a shocker, Teddy's a sociopath and Timmy's a wuss! I'm sending him to military school, where they're gonna make a man outta him!"
"Jim," Quinn hissed, "I WILL NOT LET YOU SEND HIM TO THAT PLACE!"
"Quinn," Jim said in an ominous tone, "I'M NOT GIVING YOU A GODDAMN CHOICE, WOMAN! I'M THE MAN OF THE HOUSE, AND YOU WILL LOVE, HONOR AND, ESPECIALLY, OBEY!"
Quinn's eyes narrowed menacingly. "You dare! YOU FREAKING DARE!"
"Um," said Teddy, "Maybe I should leave the room."
Jim turned his ire on Teddy.
"YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY UNLESS I TELL YOU TO SPEAK, YOU INGRATE!"
"DAMMIT, JIM," Quinn yelled, "DON'T YOU DARE TAKE IT OUT ON TEDDY JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE IN PANIC MODE, AND DON'T YOU DARE USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO TURN INTO YOUR OWN FATHER!"
That snapped Jim out of it.
"I...I...sorry. I...Well, I'm frustrated and scared. I'm frustrated that the Sloanes have enough wealth and power to impose their will on the whole town and scared of what they'll do if we try to fight back. I..." Suddenly, Jim's cell went off. "Just a minute." Jim answered. "Hey, Tom, been awhile..." Jim's face turned pale as he listened. "I...I understand. Yes...Okay, we'll do it...Later." Jim hung up and explained. "Sandi got in Tom's ear. He said that if we don't send Teddy away, then she's gonna retaliate by using her pull with the town zoning comission to force us to leave Lawndale."
Quinn was outraged. "How can Tom be okay with this!?"
"Quinn," said Jim, "If I were married to Sandi Griffin, I'd be afraid to cross her as well."
Quinn's inner Helen began to flare up.
"It's time Sandi and I had a little chat!"
Sloane Mansion, later...
Sandi sat in the breakfast nook reading a trashy romance novel. Suddenly, the nearby intercom beeped. She put down her book, walked to the intercom, and pressed talk.
"Yes."
A voice with a posh British accent spoke.
"Mrs. Sloane, Mrs. Carbone is at the door."
Sandi sighed.
"Send her in."
The sitting room, a short time later...
Quinn and Sandi were seated on the fancy, ornate, overpriced couch talking over tea.
"Quinn," said Sandi, "I think I know what this is about."
"Sandi," said Quinn, "How could you do that? How could you force the school to expel Teddy then force your husband to threaten mine?"
"Quinn," said Sandi, "I'm just a mother trying to protect her son. You should understand that."
Quinn nodded. "I do, but what you did was an extreme overreaction. In fact, everything all of the adults have been doing since Teddy wrote that story is an extreme overreaction. I mean, my husband was so freaked that he was angrily threatening to send Teddy to military school until I managed to calm him down."
"Maybe you should," said Sandi, "A boy like Teddy needs better discipline."
Quinn immediately took offense. "Excuse me! If anyone needs better discipline, it's YOUR son! Shane's an arrogant bully who never suffers consequences because you constantly pull rank with the school board. You spoil him rotten and let him do whatever he wants, you use your influence to shield him from any and all consequences of his behavior AND you get angry whenever someone tries to call you out!"
Sandi's reaction immediately proved Quinn's point.
"How DARE you talk about my sweet little angel like that, Kuh-winn!"
"You just proved me right," said Quinn, "Your so-called sweet little angel is a spoiled rich kid because you enable him!"
Sandi immediately fired back. "Your little brain is a sociopath who wants to kill my son and burn down the school!"
Quinn got right in Sandi's face. "It was just a fictional story, dammit! None of my boys are potential mass murderers! You're just overreacting due to panic!"
"You think a weirdo like Teddy isn't a mass murderer in the making," said Sandi, "Clearly, you are in denial, Kuh-winn."
"Hey," said Quinn, "I'm not the one who's deluded herself into thinking her son's a perfect little angel!"
"No," said Sandi, "You are the one I am kicking out of my house!" Sandi then pressed the talk button on her intercom. "Release the hounds!"
Outside, a few seconds later...
Quinn is running for her life from a pack of bloodthirsty Dobermanns.
Casa Carbone, later...
Teddy was sitting on the couch reading a sports magazine. He appeared to be bored out of his mind.
I can't believe Dad confiscated all of my books, the video games and changed the parental controls on the TV to screen everything but Fox News.
It was at this point that the front door opened, and Quinn came in. She was sweaty, out of breath and her shirt and pants were torn in several places.
Seeing his mother's state, Teddy couldn't help commenting.
"I take it your meeting with Mrs. Sloane didn't go well."
Quinn explained. "Yeah, she got so angry that she not only kicked me out but also set her attack dogs on me."
"Sorry, Mom," said Teddy.
Quinn sat next to him.
"It's not your fault," she said, "Everyone's being totally unreasonable about this." That's when Quinn noticed something. "Where's your father?"
"Upstairs," said Teddy, "purging our rooms of anything that might be morally corrupting, which is basically everything we own."
Quinn sighed. "So, he's overreacting like everyone else?"
Teddy nodded. He then turned serious. "Mom."
"Yes."
"You don't think I'm a ticking time bomb, do you," asked Teddy.
"God, no," said Quinn, "You're my son, Teddy. I probably know you better than you know yourself. I know you don't have a violent bone in your body. Besides, it was just a story."
"You know," said Teddy, "You're pretty much the only person who's not treating a fictional story like it's a declaration of intent."
"Duh," said Quinn, "You know, Aunt Daria went through a revenge fantasy phase when she was your age, and she never did anything."
"Did she ever get in this much trouble for it," asked Teddy.
Quinn shook her head. "No. I mean, the stories rattled her teachers enough to make the school call in our parents, but she was never suspended or expelled over the issue."
"Probably because it was before school shootings became commonplace," Teddy remarked.
"Actually," Quinn pointed out, "Those things started happening in the early nineties. It took until the end of the decade for the hysteria to get this bad, though."
Teddy sighed. "Mom."
"Yes?"
"Thanks for trying."
"You don't have to thank me for that," said Quinn, "It's what us mothers do."
It was at this point that the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," said Teddy as he got up from the couch. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see who it was.
"Mr. and Mrs. White!?"
"Hi, Teddy," said Jamie, "Are your parents' home? "
Added Nicole, "We need to show them something."
"Is this something for adult eyes only," asked Teddy.
"How'd you know," asked Jamie in turn.
"Just a feeling," Teddy answered.
Home office, later...
Quinn, Jim, Nicole and Jamie were watching a VERY racy video on the computer.
"Oh...SANDI...oh...GOD...YESSSS..."
Quinn was shocked.
"Nicole, this is the girl-on-girl porno you made with Sandi as a Valentine's Day gift for Jamie way back when!"
Added Jim, "Why are you guys showing us this now?"
Jamie explained. "At first, I forbade Rachel and Teddy to be friends because I panicked. Since then, I've calmed down and changed my mind."
Added Nicole, "We heard what Sandi did. We wanna help."
"Um, guys," said Jim, "How does this help?"
"Easy," said Nicole, "Imagine how humiliated Sandi would be if this video leaked."
"But, Nicole," said Quinn, "Making this public would humiliate you too, wouldn't it?"
"Not really," said Nicole, "I don't care if people know I once got busy with a member of my own gender just to turn on my husband."
"But Sandi will definitely care," said Jamie with a grin, "So much that she'll do whatever it takes to keep this video from ever going public."
Jim smiled. "Yeah, given how conservative the Crewe Neck crowd is, I can DEFINITELY see that. She'd lose a ton of status with her country club friends over something like this."
"Also," said Nicole, "Threatening Sandi with this would remind her where she came from and what all we've done to help her get where she is now. After all, Chuck and Stacy also have footage of Sandi working as a stripper at Cafe Risque. I spoke to Stacy before we came over. Just say the word, and she'll have the station run the story."
Smirking, Quinn picked up her cellphone and dialed a number.
"Sandi, it's Quinn. If you wanna stay in good standing, don't hang up."
Quinn's triumphant grin grew as she listened.
"Let's make a little deal, unless you want your country club friends knowing you're a bisexual ex-stripper who once made a lesbian porno."
Glenfield Middle School, the next day...
Joey sat in his office while Sandi spoke in a surprisingly humble tone.
"...so, after much deliberation, I've decided that I don't want Teddy expelled after all. I've already told the school board that there'll be no repercussions if the boy is reinstated."
Joey was somewhat dismissive.
"What about my job? They said they'd fire me if I didn't expel Teddy."
Sandi replied, "And I said I'd stop the gravy train if they took any action against you in this matter. You don't reinstate Teddy Carbone, however, and I will see to it that you're fired and blackballed so hard you won't even be able to get a job flipping burgers."
"Okay, fine," said Joey, "I'll tell Mr. and Mrs. Carbone that Teddy's reinstated."
Casa Carbone, a short time later...
Jim was on the phone while Teddy and Quinn stood close by.
"Thanks, Mr. Black. He'll be there."
Jim then hung up.
"Teddy, that was Principal Black. You're not expelled after all. You'll be back in class on Monday."
Teddy and his mother exchanged Daria-like smirks.
Glenfield Middle School, the next day...
Teddy and Rachel were walking the halls. Teddy was telling her about the crazy week he'd just had.
"So," said Rachel, "My parents basically helped your parents blackmail Shane's parents."
"Pretty much," said Teddy, "Though I think in the future I'll only show you when I write a violent revenge fantasy."
"That might be a good idea," said Rachel.
"So," said Teddy, "Anything interesting happen while I was suspended?"
"Not really," said Rachel, "Just made a really kick-ass painting in art class."
"What did you do," asked Teddy.
"Drew a bloody depiction of all the students dying in the trenches during World War One," said Rachel, "The portrait even shows Shane Sloane choking to death on mustard gas."
Suddenly, an announcement comes over the intercom.
"Will Rachel White please come to the principal's office."
Teddy and Rachel exchanged worried looks.
A few days later...
Teddy and Rachel were both stuck in an anger management class after school.
"How much worse could this get," Rachel wondered out loud, "We're missing Sick, Sad World."
"No, Rachel," said Teddy, "I'm beginning to think we're on it."
Suddenly, the teacher walks in. It's Mr. O'Neil. Except for having gray hair now, he looks like he did back in the nineties.
"Hello, class," said O'Neil, "Let's get to work on learning how to deal with our anger in a healthy, enlightened manner. Isn't that exciting!?"
"Why does burning down the school suddenly not seem like such a bad idea," Teddy deadpanned.
End chapter.