Chapter Thirty One
When John and Anna pushed the door open the children greeted them with excitement. "Johnny! Maggie!" John greeted, his personality never as large as when he was with his children
The children's cries of "Daddy!" almost made John forget his injury. The little ones grabbed onto his legs, not realizing or caring about the plaster on his leg.
"Be careful," Anna warned. "Let Daddy have a seat."
Johnny pulled Maggie back toward Anna and gave her hugs while John sat down on the settee. They moved to Robert then to Tom before returning to John. Johnny was full of questions. "How did you get hurt? Is it sore?" While Maggie was only interested in climbing onto John's lap for a cuddle.
While John was busy fielding their questions, Anna turned to Robert and Tom. "Thank you both so much. If you hadn't been so kind to go out there, he might have been lying there all night. A small accident could have become a terrible tragedy. Thank you."
Tom nodded and shook Anna's hand. "Bates is a good man, a kind man. I'm only glad to help. I'll be going back to the property to see about replacing the door and to make sure the storm did no other damage."
Anna smiled her thanks. Robert took Anna's hand in both of his. "Let me know if you or Bates require anything. I'll be back in a day or two to see how he's getting on."
Anna gazed tenderly back at her husband, "He's in his glory right now. I'm sure he'll want to be back at work as soon as he can manage it, sit-down work at any rate."
Robert nodded, "That's not a worry near my mind, Anna."
When Robert and Tom left, Elsie pressed a cup of tea into Anna's hand. Carson was talking with John, holding Elizabeth on his lap. Anna took the cup gratefully from Elsie and followed her into the kitchen.
"Are you alright, my girl?" Elsie asked in her maternal sort of way.
Anna bit her lip. "I was, until they had to give John some chloroform to spare him pain while the doctor fixed his leg. He made me leave with his lordship. He spoke over me, he'd never done that before. He didn't want me there."
"He was probably trying to protect you like always," Elsie comforted. "Like Mr. Carson protects me even though I don't need him to. Sometimes, when they are weak, they have to remind us how strong they are."
"It's just that, Mrs. Hughes," Anna sighed. "He was weak when he woke. He was confused and his voice…it sounded so frail. My husband never sounded like that before, even battling that terrible infection. He never has been anything but strong. Even in the hardest moments, when his leg was bad, if he'd strained it, I never saw him like that. Never, and it scared me."
Elsie took Anna's hand, "You have got to tell him this, Anna. Since Johnny's birth you two have been very open and honest about feelings and emotions. Don't back slide into the abyss of trying to protect one another from life. That's all I have to say."
Anna considered Elsie's words most of the day. John noticed how quiet she was even when playing with the children. She would laugh and smile, but her eyes never lit up as he liked them to. That meant she was truly happy.
It was just before tea time when Anna suggested John go have a rest. "You need to keep your leg up," she fussed. "And you didn't get much sleep at hospital."
"You got less than I," John replied. "I was out for part of the night."
"Still, you should rest," Anna repeated. "I'll help you get settled. You can take tea in bed and read bedtime stories in our room. I'll put them down after."
John sighed, "If I go rest and do as you ask, will that make you smile?"
Anna looked down at John's plastered leg. She felt sick, but forced a nod. "Yes, that will make me very happy. That you take care of yourself."
"That's not what I asked," John said firmly. "Will it make you smile?"
Anna nodded imperceptibly except to John's practiced eye. "All right then. I'll have a rest." He winked at her. "Just to see you smile."
Anna left the children with books to look at while she helped John get into bed. He winced a few times scooting himself back onto the mattress, but didn't make any other sound of distress. Anna helped him prop his bad leg on pillows, then covered him with a crocheted afghan. "Tea will be in an hour. I'll bring you a tray."
John nodded, "Anna. Serve tea here, we can have an indoor picnic of sorts and be together. I don't want to eat alone."
Anna nodded her head, "Alright, if you close your eyes for a bit. Do you need a powder? Or the rose tea?"
"I will take the rose tea, but no, I don't require a powder. I feel fine. I promise."
That made Anna smile. This was her John, his voice strong, his cheeks pink, and his eyes shining. Seeing him like this made her forget her fear, almost. Still, she wouldn't burden him by mentioning it. John would only feel guilty and that wouldn't help anything.
The children were excited about the indoor picnic. Maggie bounced on the bed earning herself a scolding from her brother, "Maggie, be careful! Don't bounce Daddy!"
"She's fine, Son," John replied gently. "Why don't you sit up here too?"
Johnny slowly climbed up on the bed and cuddled into his father. Anna set about bringing in their tea and making Elizabeth's bottle.
"Daddy, tell us a story please," the small boy smiled almost the same way as his father.
When Anna returned, she found both children snuggled against their father intently listening to his story. The way his voice spoke so softly when telling the tale brought a smile.
Their tiny giggles in reaction brought Anna to join them on the bed in an attempt to hear the story.
He only needed to begin again for Anna to groan in realization at what story he told, "Oh no Mr. Bates, you aren't telling the children that story again."
"Come sit with us darling because the children absolutely love to hear this story," John smiled the beaming smile that she adored.
Anna placed Elizabeth next to John's good leg. The baby kicked her feet and waved her hands in the air in a fit of glee being so close to her favorite person.
The entire Bates family sat as John regaled them with stories of the Children of Lir. It was a favorite of both Johnny and Maggie and since there was no story the night before, John felt it only fair to cater to both his youngsters.
All three fell asleep after their tea cuddled up with their father. Anna sighed and reached down to take Johnny up first. "We could leave them here for the night," John offered. "You'll have to carry them a lot the next few months I'm afraid."
"They mustn't sleep here because Johnny flails all over the bed at night like someone else I know and he would likely jostle you or kick me in the face. If we leave Maggie here, Johnny will be put out. I can manage."
John nodded as Anna lifted Johnny. He cuddled Maggie close to keep her asleep until Anna came back for her. Finally, it was just John and Elizabeth, who was wide awake.
"How about you be a good girl and go down to sleep for Daddy, hmm?" John was tired and he knew Anna would be too. John knew it wouldn't happen though until she had a bottle.
"Okay," John sighed. "Lie still on Mummy and Daddy's big bed and Daddy will go fetch your bottle."
John laid the baby in the center of the bed on her back then grabbed the crutches and propelled himself up. "Where do you think you are going, Mr. Bates?"
"I was just going to fix Elizabeth's feed," John replied. "Her little eyes are drooping but you know our only hope for a full night sleep is if she eats now."
"I will fix her bottle," Anna assured him. "Then, when I can help you, you can see yourself ready for bed. I won't risk another tumble, John."
"I can see myself ready," John protested. "I'm already up anyway. I can manage."
"I would think it obvious you can't." The words were out before she could stop them. Anna clamped her hands over her mouth, "Oh, John. I can't believe I said that."
John maneuvered his way back to sit on the edge of the bed. Elizabeth had stuck her foot in her mouth, something they hadn't noticed her do before but in the current state of the room it was lost on them.
"You're cross with me," John said, showing his displeasure at the idea. "I can't believe it, you are cross with me! For what? For this?"
John motioned towards the cast. Anna didn't say anything. "Well?" he pressed.
"I'm not cross," Anna protested. "I was frightened. Do you have any idea how it felt sitting here waiting and waiting for you to come home? I knew something had happened and I couldn't do anything about it!"
"I know how that feels!" John snapped, not even thinking before he spoke. "There's no shortage of things in our lives that I couldn't do anything about. So many things that I can't do I want to do!"
Anna bit her lip and fought back tears. "You want to, but you can't always, John! This time, you fell down some steps, and thank God it's only a broken leg! It could have been…a broken back or a broken neck, then where would we be? You'd be bedridden at best, John! At best! At worst, I'd be a widow with three little children, nevermind my heart would be broken at the loss of you!"
"Anna, I am fine," John sighed. "I'm not going anywhere. We had a setback and a tough one, but I am fine. I can manage…"
Anna turned her back, she didn't want to do this, but he had to understand. "You always say that, John, when it's as plain as the nose on your face that you can't. You've wanted to deny your disability since the day I met you, you never wanted special treatment or anything else, and I admire that about you, I respect that about you, but you do have a disability and it is getting worse. Your body is special, John, and it limits what you can do!"
It was John's turn to bite his lip. Anna's perception of him had changed over the last few years. Since her attack, she had come to see his leg as more of a hindrance, and since Johnny came, John felt that it was sometimes more visible to Anna than he was. That hurt. "I'm the same man I always was, and I have always managed," John replied, choking back the tears in his voice.
"You have always forced yourself to manage and when you were 45 that worked for you," Anna replied. "But that's not the issue. Whether or not you could manage something was never the issue, it's whether or not you should! You never learned that there is a difference between lack of desire and lack of ability. You think the two are connected somehow, but it's not true. I know you want to carry your children and climb the steps 20 times if that's what's required, I also know that trying to do that is dangerous and damaging for you. I don't care, though, don't you see that! I never have!"
"I care!" John replied loudly before Anna even really finished speaking. "I care that people think because of my cane that I'm less than a real man! I care that people think I hide behind the injury to get out of doing my fair share! I care that one day I'm going to have to tell one of the children "no" when any other father would be able to say "yes." I care that you feel I can't carry out my duties as a husband; that I can't provide for you, that I can't protect you. I care about it all!"
Anna closed the gap between them, "I just care about you! It's all I've ever cared about. All I have ever needed is you to be with me, to be close, to hold me, and whisper to me in the dark. That's all I need and I have it, in spades! But if one thing, just one thing, had gone differently last night, I could have lost it and it's not worth it to me! It is worth having this argument with you right now because I don't want to know how it will feel to face the rest of my whole life without you!"
John sank down on the bed with a sigh. He was not weak and he wasn't old, not that old anyway. It stung that Anna felt he was not as he once had been. He felt, in his heart at any rate, younger and more alive than he did in his forties. His body didn't keep up with his soul, and he hated that feeling more than anyone. He didn't want to give in and take her in his arms to make it okay. It wasn't okay for her to be angry with him for trying to be a good proprietor, partner, husband, and father. That was not okay!
Anna knew she wounded John's pride, and she knew that his pride was something he held dear, almost as dear as her and their little ones. She went to prepare Elizabeth's bottle and give John some time to calm down.
When she returned, he had readied himself for bed, his leg up on pillows awkwardly. Anna went to fix it before handing John the bottle. "She likes it best when you feed her the final bottle," Anna said softly. "I'll just comb out my hair while she eats."
Anna sat at her modest vanity and kept her eyes on John through the glass. Elizabeth drank her bottle, making contented little cooing noises as she went. Anna was a little envious of the very close bond Elizabeth and John shared. There was nothing she liked more than her father's loving hand.
"Did she fall asleep?" Anna asked when she finished the long braid.
"Yes," John replied, so Anna got up to take the little one from John.
"When I come back, I can help you get more comfortable. We can both use an early rest," Anna offered but still got John's cold shoulder.
John let Anna adjust the pillows and drape the blankets over him before she slid into bed, but was still very quiet.
"John," Anna said gently. "My love, I'm sorry I was harsh and I'm sorry that I made you feel I was cross. I'm not cross! I am scared. I am terribly afraid of the future, of a future alone. I knew about the age difference when we married, but I never really thought what it could mean. I'll be a widow, John, and the thought of living without you upsets me."
He slid further under the covers on his side with his back to her without so much as a single sound. Only when he felt the bed stop moving for her to settle did John shut his eyes.
"I love you John," Anna made one last attempt at some response from him before they went to sleep.
John didn't speak, but as Anna drifted off, she felt John's hand reach back and grip hers over the sheet. Anna took that as a good sign and turned to spoon up against John's side.
She laid there in the dark listening to John's even breaths. Finally, he started to speak. "I'm sorry, Anna. I have the same fears that you do. Not about being a widower necessarily, although it's possible that could happen, but about leaving you alone. I do fear that, but I fear it even more that I will fail you. I fear I'll let you down and you'll realize not just that you might be a widow, but that you…"
John stopped to swallow the emotion in his throat. "That you'll realize you made a mistake."
Anna pushed herself up on her elbows, "Mr. Bates, the only mistake I made was in not being more forceful when I tried to convince you to run away with me and live in sin. I'd have only wished to be Mrs. Bates that much longer, if only in our hearts. I love you, and I worry. I need you, we all do. Please try and see what we do. If you did, you'd never feel down about yourself. Not ever."
No other words were spoken. None had to be. They laid in the dark, Anna curled around John as much as possible without hurting him. When she felt him drop a kiss on her head she smiled, and she knew things were going to be okay.
We are about a third of the way through this story. I'm hoping to be posting more regularly. I have had some health challenges that have incurred a lot of doctors' appointments and then different work hours to make up for it. I've finished all the appointments now and been officially placed on the donation list, so my schedule will go back to normal until I get the call.
Enjoy the ride!