Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the triplets now middle school aged. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany rebuffs an advance by Daryl in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out at the park with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' people with visible disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Timmy making out with Q Ruttheimer while three girls are practically throwing themselves at Tommy. Final shot is Quinn, Jim and the triplets standing on the front lawn and then being joined by the rest of the regular cast. They all smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
this episode:
"Timmy's Awokening"
written by
WildDogJJ
Casa Carbone, day...
Jim and Quinn were sitting at the kitchen table. Quinn was reading mail while Jim was assembling small figurines of various players for the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles. Quinn looked up from the latest letter she'd read.
"Looks like I'm feeding an army this year," said Quinn, "I just finished the last RSVP for our Super Bowl party. Everyone you invited is gonna be here this year."
"Well," said Jim, "You did purchase a new smart TV with surround sound for Christmas. How could I not invite everyone we know?"
"Even the Meizners are showing up," said Quinn, "and they don't even like to watch football."
At this point, the triplets entered the kitchen.
"Boys," said Quinn, "Now that you're all twelve, how about this year you help your father, and I set up for the Super Bowl party?"
Timmy was visibly excited while Tommy and Teddy were less than thrilled.
"Mom," Tommy whined, "I'm the quarterback. I can't decorate for a super bowl party."
"Can I serve up the snacks," asked Timmy excitedly.
"Of course," said Quinn, "In fact, you're gonna help me with the food. Tommy, I want you to help your father set up the decorations."
"Oh, come on, Mom," Tommy protested.
Jim then got an idea on how to motivate Tommy.
"You know, Tommy," he said, "If you help me with this, I'll let you drink beer at the party."
Tommy loved that idea.
"Cool, I'm in!"
"Dammit, Jim," Quinn barked, "You're not letting Tommy drink beer! He's only twelve years old, for Chrissake!"
"Quinn," Jim protested, "That's how old I was the first time I drank beer."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "UGH!"
Jim then turned to Tommy.
"Just one thing," he said, "You start getting tipsy and I'll cut you off, so pace yourself."
"Dad," Teddy asked, "How is it that you're okay bribing Tommy with beer?"
"Because," Jim explained, "My mother's from Italy, and most Italians start drinking wine around your age as a matter of tradition. It just doesn't seem that taboo to me."
Indeed, that's why Quinn was not protesting this as strongly as usual. Desperate to change the subject, she turned to Teddy.
"Teddy," said Quinn, "I want you to help me with the betting pool this year."
Teddy immediately called out his mother's hypocrisy with a deadpan remark.
"Because encouraging gambling is so much more responsible than encouraging underage drinking."
Neither Quinn nor Jim appreciated their son's remark. Seeing this, Teddy flashed a Daria-style half grin.
Thompson house, the following morning...
Kevin and Daryl Johnson were both seated at the kitchen table. Since Brittany ended her affair with Daryl, he and Kevin have become friends due to Kevin's eagerness to help Daryl sue the family that owned his ancestors for reparations (and Kevin remaining blissfully ignorant of the fact that Daryl spent fifteen years nailing his wife). In fact, they were talking about Daryl's lawsuit.
"You know," said Daryl, "I recently read a news story about a black man who won five million from the textile company that used his ancestors as slave labor. It might make a good precedent for our case."
"Cool," said Kevin. He then scratched his head in a lame attempt to think. "Uhhh...What's precedent mean?"
Daryl, not for the first time, visibly regretted the decision to have Kevin as legal counsel. He only did it because he didn't want to pay an actual lawyer. Before the conversation could continue, Kevin Jr. entered.
"Hey, Dad, hey, Mr. Johnson."
"Please," said Daryl, "Call me dad...I mean Daryl!"
Daryl sighed with relief that neither Kevin nor Kevin Jr. noticed his slip of the tongue. For those who don't know, Kevin Junior is actually the product of Brittany and Daryl's affair. This fact is visually obvious as both Daryl and Junior are black. Despite this, Kevin truly believes that Kevin Jr. is biologically his.
"You know," said Daryl, "I'm actually gonna be speaking at your school today for Black History Month. I could give you a ride there."
"It's okay with me," said Kevin.
Kevin Junior was not interested in the offer.
"Nah, I'll ride my bike." He then turned to Kevin. "Oh, Dad, my bike chain's busted."
Kevin stood up.
"Like, no problem, son. I'm sure Jim's got the right tools in his garage."
With that, Kevin and Kevin Jr. left. As soon as he was alone, Daryl let out a regretful sigh. This encounter was the first time in months that he's seen Kevin Junior, and it hurt to know that the boy would probably never know that Daryl's his real father. He was shaken out of his thoughts by Brittany entering.
"Daryl, what are you doing here?"
"I was talking about my reparations case with your husband," said Daryl as he stood up. Now that he and Brittany were no longer a thing, the two had been trying to interact as little as possible. "You know, you just missed Junior." Daryl slumped his shoulders. "Well, I mean, I guess you see him every day."
Brittany looked uncomfortable as she poured some coffee into a thermos.
Daryl continued musing about Junior.
"That boy's grown at least two inches. He's twelve now. It won't be long until puberty and he starts turning into a man." Daryl let out a regretful sigh before continuing. "Too much time passes without me seeing him. Thank God for the Carbone's Super Bowl party."
Brittany awkwardly faced her former lover.
"Um...Daryl, about that." She took a sip of coffee before continuing. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to come to the Carbones while we're there."
Daryl was visibly hurt by this.
"But...You didn't let me attend Kevin Jr's twelfth birthday party, you didn't want me around for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I get it, my presence is awkward now, but I've hardly seen my son since we broke up."
Brittany wasn't having it.
"Daryl, Junior is Kevie's son. You're just, like, you know..." She started to twirl her hair. "Ummm...well..."
Daryl rolled his eyes in frustration.
"A sperm donor."
A dim light went off in Brittany's head.
"Yeah, that's it! Look, Kevin Junior's Kevin's son, end of story."
Daryl responded with bitterness in his voice.
"You say that now, but let's just wait and see what box that boy checks on his college application in a few years!"
With that, Daryl angrily stormed off while Brittany stood there looking worried. She does not want Daryl in Kevin Jr.'s life for fear of her past affair being leaked to both her son and her husband.
Glenfield Middle School, later...
History class was in session. Among the students in this class were Kevin Jr. and Timmy. Daryl was there, sitting next to the teacher's desk. The teacher, a middle-aged brunette named Mrs. Tyler, addressed the students.
"As you know," said the teacher, "Since February is Black History Month we've been studying the African American experience in America, both the good and the bad. That is why today a member of the black community is here to talk about black history. Let's welcome Mister Daryl Johnson."
As Mrs. Tyler took her seat, Daryl stood up and addressed the class.
"Class, my name is Daryl Johnson. I work as a fitness trainer at Level Up Fitness Club."
Daryl frowned as he saw that none of the kids in the class appeared interested. He was further saddened to see that Kevin Jr. was especially bored.
"You know," Daryl continued, "Last year I took a DNA test on and learned that I am directly descended from the Bantu people of the Congo basin."
The kids continued looking bored. Daryl's sadness grew as he saw that Kevin Jr. was actually starting to fall asleep.
"You know," Daryl continued, "I even discovered that my ancestors were owned by Senator Cleman's ancestors. I am actually trying to gain reparations from them."
Ironically, Kevin Jr. had actually fallen asleep by this point, but Daryl now had Timmy's visible interest. Daryl continued with his lecture.
"I am suing for reparations because, like most black Americans, I am descended from people who were kidnapped from their homes in Africa and sold into slavery here in the US. We were worked to death, taken from our homes, stripped of our culture and identities. Indeed, even after slavery was abolished, the white man continued to find ways to oppress us. They'd passed laws to exclude us from voting, forbade us from attending the same schools or even the same services as white people. We were barred from all the good paying jobs, forced to live in segregated ghettos. White people would even hunt us down and lynch us just for fun."
At this point, Timmy raised his hand.
"Yes," said Daryl.
"Mr. Johnson," said Timmy, "Are you sure? I ask because I'm white and this is the first I'm hearing of any of this."
Daryl took one last look at the sleeping Kevin Jr. before answering Timmy's question in a pained voice.
"Pretty sure."
Timmy had a look of both interest and guilt on his face.
"Whoa!"
Later...
Class was now letting out. Daryl approached Kevin Jr. and Timmy at the door. Since he actually knows both boys, no one found it strange that he wanted to talk to them.
"Hey, what did you boys think of the lecture," Daryl asked.
"It was okay," said Kevin Jr. in a tone of forced politeness.
Timmy said nothing but appeared deep in thought.
"You know, Junior," said Daryl, "If you'd like to learn more, I can give you a ride home after school."
"Um...I'll think about it," said Junior while Timmy just stood there looking thoughtful.
The parking lot, a few hours later...
Daryl sat in his new car, a Mustang Shelby, waiting to give a ride to Kevin Junior. He was trying to hype himself up for it.
"Okay, Daryl, be cool!"
Daryl's excitement grew as he looked outside and saw Kevin Jr. emerge, accompanied by both Tommy and Timmy. He took a deep breath.
"Don't bore him."
Daryl's excitement quickly gave way to disappointment as he saw Timmy approach his car while Kevin Jr. walked off with Tommy.
"What the hell?"
Timmy opened the passenger side door.
"Thanks for the lift, Mr. Johnson."
Daryl was disappointed as he'd only extended the offer to Timmy in order to spend some time with Kevin Jr.
"Where's Junior going?"
"He and Tommy are gonna hang out at the mall," said Timmy.
Daryl was miffed.
"I sat here...for that!?"
Timmy misread the situation entirely.
"And I really appreciate it, Mr. Johnson. I was dreading a walk home all day."
Daryl quietly fumed, his best laid plan shot to hell.
"Mr. Johnson," said Timmy, "I really liked the lecture. I mean, I never knew the white man did all of that to your people."
Daryl's bitterness overwhelmed his better judgement.
"The white man's still doing it," Daryl fumed, "Five hundred years of systemic racism wasn't enough. We still endure police brutality, discrimination in both jobs and housing. Hell, we just re-elected the most openly racist president in American history. The white man even has to take our CHILDREN away from us!"
Timmy was soaking all of this up like a sponge.
Casa Carbone, later...
Quinn was in the kitchen frosting some cookies. A tripod mounted camera was recording. Quinn was using a tube of white frosting to draw laces on football shaped gingerbread cookies. Once done, she looked at the camera. In accordance with the theme of the video, she was also wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey.
"And, viola! Super Bowl cookies. The perfect dessert for your football party. I'm Quinn, don't forget to like and subscribe! S'mores 'n' Pores, cooking good while looking good! Go, Eagles!"
As Quinn shut off the camera, Timmy entered. She immediately walked up to her son.
"Timmy," said a disappointed Quinn, "Where were you? You were supposed to be home from school hours ago!"
"I was hanging out with Daryl Johnson."
Quinn's face lost all color when he said that. This was due to the fear that Daryl would tell Timmy about his own...past indiscretions (banging Brittany for fifteen years, being Kevin Jr's real father).
"What the hell!? Timmy, you know better!"
She took a breath to calm herself down.
"Um...He didn't say anything...interesting...did he?"
"He did," said Timmy.
Quinn was understandably nervous as she does not want her son finding out that his best friend's father is actually Daryl, not Kevin.
Timmy explained. "He told me how our people have spent centuries treating his people like animals. He told me about slavery, Jim Crow and the systemic racism of today."
Quinn let out a huge sigh of relief. Considering what Daryl could've told Timmy, she was glad that the boy just got a more intense history lesson than what's usually covered in class.
At this point, Jim entered the kitchen.
"Hey, guys," said Jim, "Timmy, did you have fun helping your mother bake cookies for the Super Bowl."
Timmy looked at his father with misplaced hatred.
"Is that all you care about, Dad," said the boy in a confrontational tone, "Football?"
Jim was visibly confused by his son's behavior.
"Um...What?"
Timmy said, "Daryl Johnson told me the real history of his people. You would rather watch football and throw a party than acknowledge our crimes! Is there no end to the white man's hatred and oppression!?"
Jim grew defensive.
"What crimes!? And don't you DARE take that tone of voice with me, kid!"
Timmy refused to back down.
"You and your white people have enslaved, oppressed and systematically raped Daryl's people! You owe everything you have to the rape, murder and oppression of the black man!"
"Timmy," said Jim, "Your mother and I had nothing to do with ANY of that! Hell, you're getting mad for stuff that happened in the past. We've never done anything to harm a black person!"
"That's right," Timmy angrily barked, "You don't even consider them people, whitey!"
Jim angrily points towards the stair.
"Room...NOW!"
Timmy was not ready to back off.
"You can't tell me what to do, slaver!"
"THE HELL I CAN'T," Jim yelled, "I'm your father! NOW GET YOUR ASS UPSTAIRS AND STAY THERE!"
Timmy obeyed.
"FINE! BUT I'M NOT YOUR PROPERTY!"
He angrily ran upstairs to his room. Once gone, Quinn and Jim exchanged awkward looks.
"What the hell was all that about," asked Jim as his anger had now given way to confusion.
The next day...
Kevin Jr. was riding his bicycle home from school when Daryl pulled up to him in his car and rolled down the window. What Junior didn't know was that Daryl had been secretly following him in a poorly thought-out attempt to bond with the boy.
"Hey, Junior!"
Kevin Jr. acknowledged Daryl.
"Hey, Mr. Johnson."
"Please, call me Daryl."
Kevin Jr. was a little weirded out by this.
"Um...okay."
Daryl reached into the passenger seat and picked up a framed picture.
"You know, I was cleaning my apartment and found this picture. Thought you might like it."
He handed the framed picture to Kevin Jr. The boy looked disinterested as he stared at a black-and-white photo of a bunch of black men in World War II era flight suits.
"That's the Tuskegee Airmen," Daryl explained, "A famous pilot squadron during World War II." Daryl pointed to one of the airmen in the picture. "That's my grandfather. Cool, huh?"
"Yeah," said Kevin Junior in an unconvincing voice.
As it turned out, they were now right by Casa Carbone. Jim emerged from the house and saw Daryl handing the framed picture to Kevin Junior.
Perfect, Jim thought, I can have a talk with him about what he put in Timmy's head the other day.
As Kevin Junior made his way to the Thompson house, which is right next to Casa Carbone, Daryl let out a depressed sigh. It pained him to think that Kevin Junior would probably never know that Daryl's his real father. He was taken out of this by the sound of Jim knocking on the passenger side window.
"Daryl," Jim barked, "I wann talk with you...NOW!"
Daryl sighed as he knew what this was about. Resigned, he opened the passenger side door and let Jim in.
Taking a seat, Jim skipped the preamble and got straight to the point.
"What the hell did you say at that school lecture yesterday," Jim barked, "Timmy's accusing Quinn and I of being racist slavers."
"White privilidge," said Daryl, "Now that Timmy knows about it, he feels guilty and wishes to make amends. After all, Jim, your people did kidnap and enslave my people in order to build this country."
Jim wasn't having it. "Dammit, Daryl, my family never owned slaves! Hell, the Carbones didn't even come to America until 1905, forty years after slavery was abolished!"
"You still benefit from white privilidge," Daryl countered, "After all, I have to fight tooth and nail for things that are handed to you on a silver platter simply because you're a white man in America."
"Look," said Jim, "I know that historically black people got a pretty raw deal in this country and, in many ways, they still are, but did you have to tell about it in a way that makes Timmy suddenly develop an irrational hatred for anyone with his own skin color?"
Daryl spoke like a militant black nationalist. "The black man will overrun whitey and take back what the white man has stolen from us. He's the spirit of our race!"
Jim was confused. "Timmy is!?"
"No," said Daryl as he calmed down, "Kevin Junior."
Jim gasped as he realized what this was really about.
"This isn't really about race or history, is it?"
Daryl confirmed this with a sad nod.
"Jim," said Daryl as a tear ran down his cheek, "I...I...I WANT MY SON BACK!"
Daryl then proceeded to cry uncontrollably on Jim's shoulder. This made Jim so uncomfortable that he immediately opened the car door, pulled away from Daryl and ran to his own house. Daryl just continued to cry uncontrollably.
Act II
White Residence, day...
Teddy and his best/only friend, Rachel, were in her room watching TV. On the screen was a cook throwing severed human limbs into an oven, which immediatley cut to a shot of a family eating roasted arms and legs.
"His restaurant was having trouble standing out...SO HE ADDED PEOPLE TO THE MENU! Cannibal Cafe, next on Sick, Sad World!"
As the TV cut to a commercial, Teddy and Rachel made conversation.
"God, I hope Grandpa Jake never sees this one," Teddy quipped.
Rachel didn't miss a beat. "You mean he hasn't tried to serve human stew yet!"
"Well," Teddy deadpanned, "If Timmy doesn't snap out of his black nationalist phase soon, he may be the one who goes into the stew pot. Both of my parents are already on the war path over the issue."
"Timmy's a black nationalist," said a surprised Rachel, "He looks pretty white to me, or did your parents adopt a black kid with vitiligo."
"Cute," said Teddy in a sarcastic tone. "Seriously, though, this started right after Daryl lectured about black history at school the other day. Apparently, Timmy's class got the Black Panther version of the lesson instead of the NAACP version that we had. I think it has something to do with Kevin Jr. being in class that period."
Rachel immediately understood. "Daryl's upset that he can't tell Junior that he's his real father and is using the race card to vent his frustration."
Teddy nodded. "Apparently, Mrs. Thompson's blocking all contact in an attempt to einsure that Mr. Thompson never finds out about her and Daryl's past affair. Now that she's no longer banging Daryl on the side, Mrs. Thompson just wants to sweep everything under the rug and Daryl wanting to bond with their love child is getting in the way of her free out." Teddy sighed before continuing. "You know, there's one way Daryl could fix this. He could just tell Mr. Thompson about his own hand in the creation of Kevin Jr."
Rachel stifled a giggle. "I'd like to be there for that conversation." She deepened her voice in an attempt to mimic Daryl. "Hey, Kevin, just thought you'd like to know that I spent fifteen years banging your wife right under your nose and Kevin Junior's actually the result." She resumed talking in her normal voice. "That's gonna go over REALLY well," Rachel finished in a sarcastic tone.
"I wonder what would upset Mr. Thompson more," Teddy mused, "The betrayal, or his being too stupid to notice the obvious."
Teddy then switched back to the subject of Timmy.
"Getting back to my idiot brother, Timmy's accusing all of us of being racist slavers. He hates white people with the same passion that white supremicists hate all other races."
Rachel stifled another giggle. "So, he's basically a white Uncle Ruckus now."
"I actually pointed that out," said Teddy, "and Timmy responded by calling me a tool of the white supremicist power structure."
Rachel, who's mixed race (White/East Asian), snorted with amusement. "Sure," she said in a sarcastic tone while she pointed to herself, "Because lot's of white supremicists have a half-Asian girl...best friend."
Teddy didn't notice Rachel's near slip. "I actually told Timmy exactly that, and he said that's why all the other kids hate us."
"Funny," Rachel quipped, "I always thought we were outcasts because you're a brain and I'm a weirdo art geek."
The two kids meet each others gaze. They start to lean in when...
"Show's back on," said Teddy.
They pulled apart and resumed watching TV.
Were we about to..nah, I'm reading too much into things Rachel thought.
Teddy had a thought of his own. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she wanted to kiss me just now. Teddy then shook his head. Dammit, Teddy, stop thinking about your best friend like that!
Glenfield Middle School, the next day...
Timmy was in the school hallway taping a large homemade poster on the wall. The poster consisted of a very badly drawn black fist raised in the air with the words "BLACK POWER: THE STRUGGLE'S NOT OVERRR!" written in all caps. He'd just taped the last corner on when the history teacher, Mrs. Tyler, approached. She was less than thrilled at what Timmy had just promenantly put up on the wall.
"Timmy Carbone," said the teacher in a stern tone, "Just what do you think you're doing!?"
Timmy explained. "I honor of Black History Month I've decided to raise awareness of the black man's continuing struggle against the white man's oppression."
Mrs. Tyler rolled her eyes.
"Timmy, while I appreciate you being so passionate about a cause I'm afraid you're going about it the wrong way."
"Whadday mean," asked Timmy, "I'm raising awareness of an important issue."
"And violating school policy in the process," Mrs. Tyler pointed out. "If you'd bothered to read the code of student conduct then you'd know that posters on the walls have to be pre-approved by the school administration, and I KNOW they didn't okay this. If you don't take that poster down, I'll be forced to give you a demerit."
Timmy was adamant. "Because I'm waking people up to the truth about how our country thrives racism!"
"Because you're defacing school property," Tyler fired back, "And dangerously close to being sent to the principal's office after that comment. Take the poster down...now!"
Timmy knew she wasn't bluffing.
"Fine!"
He then proceeded to take down the poster. No sooner had Mrs. Tyler left when Timmy was approached by Tommy, Shane, Al, Lou and Kevin Jr. None of the popular boys appeared happy to see him.
"Timmy," said Tommy, "Just what the hell are you doing!?"
Timmy answered, "Raising awareness of the plight of black people."
"Titty," Shane taunted, "Have you looked in a mirror lately. You're white!"
"Yeah, man," added Kevin Jr. "Why are you acting so weird?"
"Junior," said Timmy, "You were in class with me when Mr. Johnson told us the truth about the black man's struggle."
Kevin Jr. shrugged. "I wasn't paying attention 'cause that stuff's lame."
"Yeah," added Tommy, "and you're embarrassing me. You'd better not be acting weird like this at Mom and Dad's Super Bowl party!"
Timmy rolled his eyes. "Is that all you care about, Tommy? Football and popularity?"
"Duh," said Tommy, "It's bad enough that I have one weirdo brother. I don't need you going weird on me too. I've got my status to think about. I'm the freaking quarterback, for chrissake!"
"Titty," Shane commanded, "You can't hang out with us until you stop acting like you're one of the homeys."
"Yeah," said Al.
Added Lou, "It's too damn weird."
As he rolled up the now taken down poster, Timmy remained defiant.
"Fine! You wanna keep playing into the racist power structure, GO AHEAD! Racist jerks!"
With that, Timmy angrily stormed off.
"God, I wish I was an only child," said Tommy with an eyeroll.
Casa Carbone, that afternoon...
Q Ruttheimer, Timmy's girlfriend, was walking towards the front door. She immediately rang the bell. A few seconds later, Quinn answered.
"Hey, Q," said Quinn.
"Hey, Mrs. Carbone," said Q, "Is Timmy home?"
"He's in his room," said Quinn, "Just go on up."
"Thanks."
Timmy's room, a minute later...
Timmy was sitting on his bed reading a book. The book was titled "The Complete Idiot's Guide to African History". Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
"Come in," said Timmy.
Q entered.
"Hey, bae," she said, "I was wondering if we could hang out for a bit."
Timmy held up the book he was reading.
"Can't, babe. I gotta study."
Q looked at the book.
"Since when is that a textbook!?"
"It's not homework, Q," said Timmy, "It's for the Super Bowl party."
Q was visibly confused.
"Um...what?"
Timmy explained.
"I wanna raise awareness of the black man's struggle. Since the school's too racist to do it, I figure the Super Bowl party's the best place for a protest."
Q was unnerved, and a little embarrassed.
"Timmy, hon," she said, "Aren't we too young to be activists? We're only in Middle School, for crying out loud."
"Q," said Timmy, "as white people we have benefitted directly from the exploitation of black people. Every good thing we have is because of white privilidge. We have raped, pillaged and burned a whole race of people to get where we are. Can't you see that?"
"Timmy," said Q, "It's sweet that you care about others, but isn't this a little...well...extreme?"
"Q," Timmy replied, "How can you not care about all of the crimes we've comitted against the black man? Do you hate anyone who isn't lily white?"
Q took offense. "Hey, I've got nothing against black people, or any people of color, but this is too much! You're treating all of us like we've done something horrible!"
"Because we have," said Timmy, "I didn't know just how much of everything we have came from keeping the black man down until Daryl opened my eyes and woke me up to the truth. We ARE the problem."
"Timmy," said Q, "we're twelve!"
"So," Timmy spat back, "We just keep holding black people down!?"
Q rolled her eyes.
"Screw it! Call me when you're ready to start being my boyfriend again!"
With that, Q stormed out of the room in a huff.
Casa Carbone, Sunday evening...
Guests are at the Super Bowl party. Since Lawndale is in New Jersey, just about everyone was wearing Eagles jerseys. Timmy was the only one not dressed in team colors. In fact, he was wearing a black and green dashiki. Carrying a covered platter in his hands and a rolled up poster under his arm, Timmy walked over to the refreshment table that Quinn had set up in the living room. He immediately placed the platter on the table. Quinn approached.
"Timmy," she said, "What are you doing? In fact, why the hell are you dressed like that? This is a Super Bowl party, not a Kwanza party!"
Timmy explained. "I made a traditional African dish to serve at the party. I heard about it in a YouTube video."
Quinn rolled her eyes. "So, you're still on this whole woke thing, huh?"
Timmy nodded. "That's why I'm dressed in traditional African clothes. I wanna honor the black man and raise awareness of his struggles under the white man's oppression."
With that, Timmy unrolled the poster and draped it over the front of the table, using his platter to hold it in place. The poster was an image of the African continent with a militant fist rising up from it. The caption under Africa read "Death to the White Man". Upon seeing this, Quinn angrily tore the poster down.
"HEY," said Timmy, "What gives, Mom!?"
"We're not having you embarass us at this party, Timmy," said Quinn in a stern tone, "You wanna serve an African dish as a refreshment and dress like an African, fine! But black nationalist slogans are where I'm drawing the line."
At the front door, who should enter but Daryl. Daryl was actually holding a gift-wrapped skateboard under his arm.
In front of the TV, Jim, Kevin, Brittany and several others were watching the pre-game show.
"Well, this is it," said one of the sports commentators, "The biggest Sunday of the year...SUPER BOWL FIFTY-NINE! This year, we have the Philadelphia Eagles..."
Everyone at the party let out a rauchous cheer.
"YEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
"...versus the Kansas City Chiefs."
"BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Which team will bring home the coveted Lombardi Trophy this year!? Tonight, we find out. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?"
All of the guests chanted.
"EAGLES! EAGLES! EAGLES! EAGLES! EAGLES! EAGLES!"
At this point, Brittany saw that Daryl was at the party.
"EEP!"
Brittany immediately turned to Jim.
"What's Daryl doing here!?"
Jim was puzzled.
"You mean he's not here to see you!?"
"Not for a while, Jim," said Brittany.
"Like, I invited him," said Kevin, "I got some, like, really good news I wanna tell him."
"Um...That's nice babe," said a nervous Brittany, "Um, I need to talk to Jim for a second."
Kevin, as usual, suspected nothing. "Cool!"
Brittany then got up, grabbed Jim by the arm and practically dragged him out of earshot of everyone else.
"Brittany," said an irritated Jim, "What the hell!?"
"Jim," said Brittany, "I need a really big favor from you."
Jim raised an eyebrow.
"What?"
Brittany smiled sweetly.
"Could you kick Daryl out?"
Jim rolled his eyes and groaned in frustration.
"Ugh, fine!"
With that, he walked over to Daryl.
"Daryl," said Jim, "I don't know what Kevin told you about this party, but..."
Daryl politely interrupted him.
"Relax, Jim. I know what this it about. It's about the other day, when we talked in my car."
"Um...what?"
Daryl explained. "I was crying and it made you really uncomfortable."
Jim's eyes nervously scanned the room for a way out of this awkward conversation. He then saw Timmy hanging out by the refreshment table.
"Hey, Daryl, why don't you talk to Timmy for a bit? Um...later!"
With that, Jim beat a hasty retreat. Daryl then made his way to Timmy.
"Hey, Timmy."
Timmy smiled. "Hey, Mr. Johnson."
"What's with the Kwanza getup," asked Daryl.
Timmy explained. "After you opened my eyes, I decided to stage a protest. I'm trying to wake my people up to the struggles of your people."
Daryl found this mildly amusing. "I see. How goes the good fight?"
"Well..."
Daryl suddenly interrupted. "Hey, there's Kevin Junior!"
He then walked away from Timmy and towards Kevin Jr.
"Junior."
Kevin Jr. acknowledged Daryl.
"Oh, Hey, Mr. Johnson."
Brittany immediately got between Kevin Jr. and Daryl.
"Junior, go watch the game!"
She followed this up by practically shoving her son towards the TV. Taking the hint, Kevin Jr. joined the others by the TV. Brittany then proceeded to angrily get in Daryl's face.
"Daryl, what the hell are you doing here!?"
"I'm here to see my son," growled Daryl through gritted teeth, "I even bought him a skateboard!"
Brittany wasn't having it.
"You'll NEVER be Junior's father, so leave!"
Kevin suddenly approached the bickering ex-lovers.
"Yo, Daryl," said the former QB, "Glad I caught ya before kickoff, man! I've got some good news. I, like, talked to Mrs. Morgendorffer and she, like, told me the dude you're suing wants to settle."
Daryl was pleasantly surprised.
"He does!?"
Kevin nodded as he pulled a check out of his jacket and handed it to Daryl.
"Like, Helen told me to give this to you."
Daryl was instantly disappointed by the amount on the settlement check.
"$120-grand!? I was asking for five million!"
"C'mon, dude," said Kevin, "120 g's is a lot!"
Daryl handed the check back to Kevin and frowned.
"Like," said Kevin, "What's wrong, dude?"
"Kevin Junior hates me," said Daryl with sadness in his voice.
"Like, why would he hate you," Kevin asked, "He barely knows you, dude."
That did NOT sit well with Daryl. In fact, Daryl was now so angry that he picked up a beer can from the counter and loudly tapped it with a spoon.
"MAY I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION!?"
That got the attention of everyone.
"I'd like to propose a toast," said a VERY angry Daryl as he cracked open his beer, "I'd like to propose a toast." Daryl raised his beer in the air. "TO THE WHITE MAN, WHO KIDNAPPED US FROM OUR HOMELAND, SOLD US INTO SLAVERY, WHO SHUTS US OUT OF SOCIETY, KEEPS US DOWN, RAPES OUR WOMEN AND STEALS OUR CHILDREN...ESPECIALLY OUR SONS!"
Misreading the room as usual, Kevin raised his own beer and smiled.
"LIKE, TO THE WHITE MAN!"
Quinn and Jim were visibly mortified as the situation was growing more awkward by the second. Quinn nervously scanned the room with her eyes, desperately seeking a way to defuse the situation before Daryl says something that's going to ruin a lot of lives. That's when she saw Timmy still at the refreshment table.
"Um...Timmy," said Quinn, "If you have anything to say, now's a good time!"
Timmy stood up.
"Thank you for finally hearing the black man's voice. I have recently learned many things about Daryl's people and his heritage. I want to honor his African roots by inviting you all to try a traditional African dish. Granted, due to whitey's continued oppression of the black man I could not make the actual dish, but I was able to bake a cake that pays homage to Daryl's ancestry and heritage. I discovered on YouTube that there is a village in Uganda that serves human flesh as food. To honor Daryl's African heritage, I made this!"
Timmy took the cover off of the tray he'd brought out, revealing a cake made in the shape of a bloody severed human head.
"The African Cannibal Cake, a noble homage to the people eating peoples of Uganda!"
Everyone gasped in horror and disgust. Kevin Jr. immediately looks at Daryl.
"Gross, man! I didn't know blacks like to eat people!"
Daryl was especially horrified by this.
"Junior, don't listen to him!" He desperately placed his arms on Kevin Jr.'s shoulders. "THAT'S JUST AN UNFOUNDED RUMOR ON YOUTUBE!"
Kevin Jr. pulled away from Daryl.
"DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU CANNIBAL PSYCHO!"
Daryl let out a pained gasp when Kevin Jr. said that. A second later, he ran out of the house crying.
Kevin, once again, misread the situation.
"DARYL! YO, DARYL, WAIT UP!"
Kevin ran out of the house after Daryl.
Teddy and Rachel decided to make with the color commentary.
"Leave it to Timmy to turn an awkward situation into a catastrophe," said Teddy.
Added Rachel, "It's my last birthday all over again."
The two exchanged smirks.
Act III
An apartment building on Dega Street, evening...
Kevin was frantically pounding on the door to Daryl's apartment, having followed him all the way from the Carbone's Super Bowl party.
"DARYL! YO, DARYL, OPEN UP, MAN! DARYL, WE'RE MISSING THE GAME!"
It was at this point that a VERY upset Daryl finally opened the door.
"Kevin, I'm not going back there!"
"Come on, man," said Kevin.
"Kevin," Daryl growled, "Why'd you follow me all the way back to my place?"
"I, like, wanna apologize for what Junior said," Kevin explained, "My son's got, like, all the Thompson passion but none of the Thompson charm, dude!"
"Your son," said an outraged Daryl, "YOUR SON!"
Kevin remains unaware that he's not Kevin Jr.'s biological father.
"Um, yeah. What about him?"
Daryl made a decision.
"Kevin, it's high time we had a talk about 'your' son!"
Daryl motioned for Kevin to enter the apartment.
"Please, come in."
Kevin entered the apartment. After this, Daryl closed the door and gestured towards the couch.
"Please, have a seat."
"Okay," said Kevin as he sat down.
Daryl took a deep breath to prepare himself for the bomb he was about to drop.
"Look, Kevin, sometimes even good people do bad things. Things happen, and we don't think how what we do will hurt innocent people. We just act on powerful urges. Urges for food...and sex. See, sometimes love isn't enough to keep someone faithful and...and..."
Try as he might, Daryl just couldn't bring himself to tell Kevin the truth.
"DAMMIT!"
In his anger, Daryl knocked down a table lamp.
"I can't believe this! You deserve better, Kevin! When I think of all the...well...I just get so mad and...and...SONOFABITCH!"
Daryl then punched the wall.
Kevin tried to calm his friend down.
"Dude, so Junior called you a cannibal. That doesn't mean it's true...um, does it?"
Daryl groaned in frustration.
"Of course it isn't true! That's just a racist stereotype created by Europeans to justify both colonialism and slavery! That cannibal village in Uganda is just an unfounded rumor. Any cultural anthropologist will tell you that cannibalism was NEVER a common practice in Africa."
"Cool," said Kevin. He then became nervous. "Like, about that cannibal town in Africa. Um...Do you know what town your ancestors are from?"
Daryl groaned in frustration.
"DAMMIT, KEVIN, I DON'T EAT PEOPLE," Daryl barked, "My God, that's like me calling you a cannibal just because Jeffery Dahmer was white!"
"Um...You've heard of that guy," asked a nervous Kevin.
"Kevin," said Daryl, "He was one of the most infamous serial killers of all time. Dahmer kidnapped, tortured and raped his victims. After killing them, he'd eat them."
Kevin became extremely nervous at this point.
"Um...You sure know a lot about this stuff. Uhh...You aren't hungry right now, are you?"
Daryl responded with a face palm and a frustrated sigh.
Casa Carbone...
Everyone was watching the game except for Quinn and Timmy. Quinn was giving Timmy a major tongue lashing.
"Dammit, Timmy," said Quinn, "How could you do something so disgusting!?"
"Mom," Timmy fired back, "We've raped and exploited the black man for centuries! All I did was try to honor Daryl's culture. White people have oppressed all others for far too long."
"But, cannibalism," said Quinn, "The African cannibal is just a racist stereotype and even if it wasn't...EWWWWWWW!"
"But," Timmy protested, "They do eat people in Uganda! I saw it in a YouTube video!"
Teddy, having overheard, added his two cents. "Oh, well, if they made a YouTube video about it then it must be true," he deadpanned.
Both Quinn and Timmy stared daggers.
"Teddy," said Quinn, "I'm really not in the mood right now."
Teddy walked away. After this, Quinn turned her attention back to Timmy.
"Timmy, go to your room and stay there!"
"Hey," Timmy fired back, "You don't own me! I'm a person, not property and..." Timmy sighed and waved his hand dismissively. "What's the use? Look who I'm talking to!"
"You're talking to your mother, young man," Quinn barked, "and I'll not have you being disrespectful to me, Timothy James Carbone!"
"Fine," said Timmy with an eye roll. He then turned around and went to his room.
As Quinn watched Timmy go up the stairs, she folded her arms and silently fumed. It was then that someone tapped Quinn's shoulder from behind.
"Quinn," said Brittany, "Can I, like, talk to you in private?"
Quinn sighed, knowing full well what this was about.
Home Office, a short time later...
Quinn and Brittany were having some one-on-one conversation.
"Brittany," said Quinn, "This is about your ex-lover crashing the party and causing a scene, isn't it?"
Brittany nodded. "It was, like, weird enough that my husband is friends with the guy I used to do on the side, but now Daryl's insisting on having a relationship with Junior."
"Duh," said Quinn, "Daryl's his real father. Don't you think he'd want to spend time with his son?"
"NEVER," Brittany barked, "No way in hell am I letting Daryl be around Kevie Junior!"
"Why," asked Quinn, despite already knowing the answer.
"Because," said Brittany, "I'm afraid Daryl's gonna tell Junior that Kevie's not really his father and I've been cheating on Kevie."
Quinn folded her arms. "As I've said numerous times over the years, you should've thought of that before hopping into the sack with another man."
"I just want this all to go away," said Brittany, "Now that Kevie and I are back on track, I just want Daryl gone and pretend that affair, like, never happened."
"Well," said Quinn, "There's no way that's gonna happen. Not only are Daryl and Kevin friends now but there's the fact that Kevin Jr.'s the result of your fifteen-year affair and all the Daryl-blocking in the world isn't going to change that. You're just a selfish bimbo who doesn't wanna deal with the consequences of your actions."
Brittany stared blankly.
"What?"
Quinn sighed. While Brittany's a lot more intelligent than her husband, she's still pretty dumb.
"Look," said Quinn, "Because they're friends now, I really don't think Daryl's gonna tell Kevin that he used to bang you. If Daryl wants to bond with the child that he impregnated you with then it's really unfair for you to keep him from doing it. How many times can you block Daryl before he gets so fed up that he rats on you out of spite?"
Brittany twirled her hair on her finger in a desperate attempt to think.
"Um...uhhh..."
She then slumped her shoulders and sighed.
"I don't know. I...Look, what about Junior? What about Kevie? Kevie would be devastated if he found out I was banging another guy for fifteen years and Junior idolizes Kevie!"
Quinn thought about it.
"Yeah, no telling how Kevin would take a bomb like that, and it'd probably traumatize Junior to find out that Kevin's not really his father."
Brittany sighed again. "I just wish there was a way outta this that didn't hurt anyone."
Quinn smiled as she got an idea.
"You know, Brittany, there just might be."
Brittany looked at Quinn questioningly.
"Look," said Quinn, "Just follow my lead."
Daryl's apartment, later...
Daryl was knocking on the bathroom door.
"Kevin, you alright," he asked, "You've been in there a long time."
Inside the bathroom...
Kevin was nervously sitting on the toilet lid.
"DARYL, PLEASE...uh...I mean I'm fine!"
Kevin then frantically dialed on his cell phone.
Meanwhile, at Casa Carbone...
The guys were all watching the game on TV.
"TOUCHDOWN, EAGLES!"
The guys all jumped up and cheered.
"YEAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
As they all sat back down, Jim's cell phone went off. Jim looked at the screen before answering.
"Kevin, where are ya, man? You're missing the game! The Chiefs just fumbled, and Philly ran it in for a touchdown."
"HE'S GONNA EAT ME," Kevin frantically screamed on his end.
Jim was visibly puzzled by this.
"What?"
Daryl's apartment, that very moment...
Kevin was cowering in the bathroom as he called Jim for help.
"Daryl really is a cannibal! I, like, wanted to apologize for Junior calling him a cannibal and he, like, went Hannibal Lecture on me!"
Casa Carbone...
Jim was worried.
"You're at Daryl's!? Um...He didn't say anything...interesting, did he?"
Daryl's bathroom...
Kevin said, "He's, like, playing it really cool, man, but I think he's getting hungry! I, like, got so freaked that I locked myself in the bathroom! Daryl's probably, like, heating up a big pot to boil me in right now! YOU GOTTA GET ME OUTTA HERE!"
Casa Carbone...
Jim rubbed the bridge of his nose and let out a frustrated sigh.
"Okay, fine! I'm on my way."
Jim then hung up and left his seat.
The home office, a few seconds later...
Brittany and Quinn were both having a heart-to-heart with Kevin Jr.
"Whoa," said Junior, "I, like, never thought of it that way."
Quinn smiled proudly while Brittany was visibly relieved.
"Wow," said Brittany, "That was, like, easier than I thought!"
At this point, Jim entered.
"I hate to interrupt, but I gotta take off for a bit."
"Why," asked Quinn.
Jim explained. "Kevin just called me. He's over at Daryl's, scared outta his mind. I'm going to get him out before anything...awkward happens." Jim sighed. "Dammit, I'm gonna miss the end of the half!"
"No," said Quinn, "You won't. I'll get Kevin, you stay here and watch the game."
"Mrs. Carbone," said Kevin Jr., "Can I come along?"
Quinn looked at Brittany.
"It's alright with me," said the former cheerleader.
Suddenly, Timmy entered.
"I'm coming too!"
"No," Quinn hissed, "You aren't, and I told you to stay in your room!"
Added Jim, "Also, haven't you caused enough trouble, Timmy?"
Timmy was insistent. "Look, you have to respect my rights! I'm not your property and I'm not going to tolerate our white privilege anymore!"
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Fine! We need to talk about this militant woke kick you've been on lately anyway!"
With that, Quinn, Kevin Jr. and Timmy all left.
A short time later...
Quinn's Cadillac was driving down the street. Quinn was driving while Timmy rode shotgun and Kevin Jr. sat in the back seat.
"Timmy," said Quinn, "I get that you sympathize with the plight of black people, but you're being way too extreme about it."
"I don't know how else to end the oppression of people of color," said Timmy, "Every good thing we have comes form our people raping and exploiting all other races!"
"But praising cannibalism," said Quinn, "First off, ewww! Second, it's wrong to eat people!"
Timmy wasn't having it. "Mom, I saw a YouTube video about cannibals in Africa! I even saw a short of a guy in Africa being stalked by a cannibal. You have to respect other cultures. Who are we to judge?"
"First of all," said Quinn, "I know all about that meme. It was recently proven to be fake. Second, that cannibal village in Uganda is just a rumor. Timmy, it's sick and wrong to eat other human beings!"
"Says you," Timmy spat in a defiant tone.
"Damn right, says me," said Quinn, "and I'll say it again: cannibalism is wrong, end of story!"
"Oh, sure," replied Timmy in a deadpan that'd make Daria proud, "But slavery, Jim Crow laws, racial discrimination and police brutality are perfectly fine!"
"No," said Quinn, "All that stuff's wrong too."
Timmy was both stunned and confused.
"But...Mom, we're white. Racism is part of our culture!"
"You know," said Quinn, "It's just as racist to assume I'm a racist just because I'm white. I've never treated a black person any differently from a white person. I've never judged a person by his or her skin color. I may have a problem with someone's total lack of fashion sense, but never their race." Quinn sighed before going on. "Look, Timmy, if you wanna be part of the solution then, instead of painting all white people with the same broad brush try treating people of color the same way you'd like to be treated. Don't make assumptions about someone just because of their skin color." She paused again before making her final argument. "Look, we both agree that treating black people like they're not human is wrong, can't we also agree that cannibalism's wrong?"
Timmy sat there looking thoughtful. Quinn allowed herself a smile as she'd clearly gotten through to him.
Daryl's apartment building, a short time later...
Quinn was knocking on the door to Daryl's apartment while Timmy and Kevin Jr. stood behind her. A second later, a visibly worried Daryl answered.
"Quinn, thank God you're here! Kevin's locked himself in the bathroom and won't come out!"
With that, Daryl let them into his apartment and closed the door behind him.
"Where's your bathroom," Quinn asked.
Daryl pointed to the bathroom door. He and Quinn walked over while Timmy and Kevin Jr. hung back. Quinn then knocked on the bathroom door.
"Kevin, it's Quinn!"
"AHHH," screamed Kevin from inside, "QUINN, HE'S A CANNIBAL! GET AWAY BEFORE HE EATS YOU!"
Quinn rolled her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh.
"DAMMIT, KEVIN, DARYL'S NOT A CANNIBAL!"
"LIKE, HOW DO YOU KNOW!?"
Daryl let out a frustrated sigh before whispering in Quinn's ear so Kevin Jr. wouldn't hear what was being said.
"I can't believe Brittany left me for that idiot!"
Quinn rolled her eyes as she whispered back.
"Daryl, she didn't leave you for that idiot. She's been with that idiot since high school."
Quinn then resumed talking to Kevin through the door.
"LOOK, KEVIN, I SWEAR YOU WON'T GET EATEN IF YOU COME OUT!"
Reluctantly, Kevin opened the door and came out. He freaked when he saw the kids.
"Timmy, Junior," said Kevin, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES BEFORE HE DECIDES TO EAT YOU!"
"Dad," said Kevin Jr., "Mr. Johnson's not gonna eat anyone." He then turned to Daryl. "I...I'm sorry I called you a cannibal psycho, Mr. Johnson. I know you're not a cannibal. Mom told me. She told me a lot of things, actually."
Daryl was pleasantly surprised.
"She did!?"
Kevin Jr. nodded.
"She told me that black, white or whatever color we're still all, like, equal. We're all children of the same God so, in a weird way, we're like brothers, Mr. Johnson."
Daryl was touched. While Brittany clearly hadn't told the boy about his true biological parentage she was at least willing to let Daryl be in Kevin Jr.'s life now.
Quinn confirmed this. "Look, Brittany thinks it'd be good for Kevin Junior to spend some time with you, like a big brother kind of situation. Thinks Junior could really benefit from having you as a mantor."
Daryl smiled and made his own decision. Since Brittany was willing to compromise then he might as well compromise too.
"You know, Kevin," said Daryl, "About my reparations suit. I think I will take that settlement money after all."
Casa Carbone, later that evening...
Everyone was back and watching the game. While Quinn and company were a little miffed about missing the halftime show they had made it back in time to watch the second half of the game.
"And that's game. THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES HAVE JUST WON THE SUPER BOWL FORTY TO TWENTY-FOUR. PHILADELPHIA NOW HAS TWO LOMBARDI TROPHIES!"
Everyone stood up and cheered. They even sang the Eagles Fight Song. After the cheering, everyone else sat back down while Daryl remained standing.
"Everyone," said Daryl, "I have an announcement to make. I've decided to accept the settlement offer of 120 grand. To thank Kevin for all his help, I've decided to use the money to pay for Kevin Jr.'s college education."
"Whoa," said Kevin, "Like, thanks dude!"
Daryl went on. "What I don't spend on Junior's education I intend to put in a special trust that builds interest over time. I want Kevin to help me manage the trust fund. Upon my death, I want all that money to go to Kevin Jr."
"Dude," said Kevin Jr., "Like, thanks, Mr. Johnson."
"Please," said Daryl, "Call me D...Daryl." Daryl silently chided himself for almost saying Dad.
"Okay," said Junior, "Daryl."
"Dude," said Tommy, "Junior, it's like you have two dads!"
"Yeah," said Timmy, "and one of them's black."
Teddy silently smirked at the irony.
End chapter.