Chapter 6
Their first kiss is exactly as he said it would be; it goes on and on, and on and on. Oh, it goes on, sinking into her skin and dissolving her brain. It goes on some more, playing with her breath and lighting up her skin with a wildfire that she's never known before. It carries on, deep and desperate, making her arms clutch onto him one minute and then surrender the next until he finally lifts her up in his arms and carries her away from the sofa.
Whatever happens between the sofa and the bedroom, she will never be able to give an accurate account of in the court of law, but what she can testify to, is the heaven that she drops onto in the bedroom. The mattress and sheets feel like a soft balm onto her burning skin, soothing it with a welcome coolness that oddly makes her all the more sensitive and reactive to his touch. Or maybe he is just that intoxicating to take her from one high to another.
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Since their first night in his friend's house, their routine has been simple and unchanging. During the day, they would carefully go out for any information on their case, and then at night, after they had washed the day's worries away, eaten what the other prepared for dinner (and watched the news together), they'd fall into their shared passion in bed or on the sofa, if they couldn't contain themselves long enough to reach the room. She hadn't even realised her own sexual appetite until that first night when he showed her just how insatiable he really is. To tell the truth, he more than surprised her with that, because despite his ever-present composure and his unbending manner, he showed her that he is as base of a man as any man can be. Not that she is not complaining about it, though. Or rather, she hadn't been reading much into his endless, very thorough passion, until their fourth night when he slightly disrupts their usual routine.
They're moving around in the kitchen, silently brushing past each other here and there as they clean up their dinner mess, and when they finally meet at the sink to drop their respective pots and plates for washing, he stops her from leaving by gently calling for her name. Of course, she fully faces him, eager to hear what perfectly structured thought would come from his mouth. As different as he is from her, she's always willing to hear how he sees the world, so naturally, she's ready to listen to him, soft, curious smile and all. He asks her how he can help her, and from the look in his eyes alone, she freezes on the spot, momentarily disabled. They've had a variety of conversations over the days, touching on very intimate subjects, but nowhere during those talks did she ever feel her trust fall into his hands. How can someone just as suspicious in the murder case as she is, want to help and protect her more than himself?
His little disruption in their otherwise predictable routine is essentially a butterfly effect. Or at least, that's how it feels like to her once she can move and breathe again. Though she quickly shuts his concern down, using an amused laugh to play it off as an inconsequential offer to her, and then goes back to cleaning up their mess, she cannot deny the effect that his offer has on her. It's such a tiny blimp of an interruption, one that can easily be written off as random chatter between them, and yet it isn't tiny at all. Her ears heard the question, then carried the words to her brain, but her brain couldn't immediately process them, so her heart had to step in for a response, except, in order to step in, the guards around her heart had to move to the side, but as they moved, one of them accidentally touched the door to her soul, which then opened wide enough for her trust to escape and freely run into his hands.
Only then realising that the soul was now missing a vital part of its makeup, did her mind jolt back to life to send the right commands to the right places; heart guards, get back in place, soul door, close before faith escapes too, and mouth, say something to de-escalate the earnest ambience. The brain commanded that he shouldn't find out that one of the two most important things to her, is now completely his, and she wouldn't flinch a muscle if he was threatening to kill her with a gun. It was important that she protected herself from her own soft nature. In the moment, it worked, she managed to distract him from that line of talking, and she carried on as though nothing happened, but when he initiates their intimacy a little later, she can't keep from being especially attentive to his movements as she tries to interpret what they really mean. She pretends that the tears afterwards are a result of their amazing synchronicity, when in reality, the truth is something else.
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As soon as he steps into the kitchen for breakfast the following morning, she greets him with the idea of them returning to Istanbul, wearing her most jovial smile so as not to raise his suspicion. He shows her a smile, of course, shaking his head as if to say that she fluctuates more than he is used to, but he doesn't argue with her about it.
'I just don't want to give the prosecutors and police a reason not to trust us. We aren't running away, anyway, we only came to find some answers and we have some,' she reasons. 'Besides, I don't like being cooped up here like I'm a prisoner. It's not my style at all.'
It's partly true that she likes to have control over what she can and cannot do, however in this case, it's not about the freedom that she is used to having. If he knew just how scared out of her mind she is that one more day with him might enslave her to love for him... The thing is, she can honestly see herself staying in this boring, uneventful routine with him, despite it being against her nature and...
'You're right,' he softly agrees with just as soft of a smile as he takes his seat. 'We can't just stay here until our Mercan is born. We can't raise our daughter in such a way. She deserves to be free, to be happy and to play outside.'
Their Mercan? The specific name that she has prepared for her eventual daughter, unlike his vague, undefined wish of wanting to be a father? He's serious, he really wants to have a daughter with her? Does that mean that he's actively been trying to get her pregnant all these nights?
Her stomach tightens at the last thought, her abdomen gathering into itself like it just hit against something hard, and suddenly, she just wants to run away from him. Sure, she wants her Mercan too, but he is Ilgaz. He doesn't joke around like she does, rather, he is serious, honest, loyal, caring, comforting, dedicated, which means that his words are more than real, and oh, that he has all of her trust at his disposal now adds another layer of fear.
She never would've said that he could scare her, and yet here he is, doing it. It being the first time that he's scaring here, also being so close to her first time trusting him completely, she only wants to flee as far away from him as possible - he's becoming more dangerous to her by the minute.
'So then I'll clean up while you eat?' she presents to him, hoping that she sounds very nonchalant and not worried that he might say no. 'We can't leave your friend's house a mess.'
'Okay,' he replies, and though his tone doesn't sound combative, his face says that he didn't expect to hear that from her.
She also didn't expect to be afraid of being alone with him, so they're equal – he's not the only one whose reality has come apart.
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Although their rushed return to Istanbul separates them for two whole days, that's not the surprise about it. She had been prepared for the fact that he would return to his family, just as she would go back to being overwhelmed by her family, but she hadn't even considered the possibility that their separation would drive her crazy. There's no other way to put it, but to admit that two days without seeing him have driven her completely out of her mind.
It's that normal Ceylin would've rejoiced at her 'freedom.' The first thing that she would've done would've included running to her office to study previous murder cases in the hope that she would find something to help their case along, except she hasn't left her house since he dropped her off. In place of going out to smell the city air and walk around the neighbourhood with her earphones, she's barely restraining herself from stepping out the house door.
Her fear is, if she steps outside, she's likely to go to a pharmacy for a pregnancy test. She's not herself at all, because reasonable her, would know that a pregnancy test would be useless for now, but delusional her doesn't care. Delusional her has already created a life with Ilgaz in her mind. According to delusional her, their life would begin with her appearing at his door with the news of her pregnancy and then it would all fall into place.
Clearly, she's sick in the head, since no normal person would spend less than six days with someone and then become so accustomed to seeing them, talking to them, having sex with them, and craving even just ten minutes of them for their day to be all right. Obviously, she needs to see a doctor for her head, only, if she dares to step foot out of the house, she will only end up in one of two places if not both, going to one after she's been to the other.
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In another three days after Muğla, they are husband and wife, and Yekta is the reason for that. The day before, knowing that they were back, he brought a complaint to the court, exposing that she had asked him to tamper with the crime scene and remove her business card. He obviously knew that Ilgaz would be called in to confirm or deny seeing her card around the time that he was there. Unfazed by the news, Ilgaz easily told her that he wouldn't lie, also assuring her that he wouldn't allow them to have that evidence against her because of him, and so his suggestion to get married. Married, they wouldn't be expected to testify against one another, he said, and since they had already confessed their actions to each other that night, they really needed that lock of safety in their case.
She agreed, of course she didn't hesitate to, but maybe she should've, considering how strange of a thing it is to frequent a place where she isn't welcomed, and yet no number of daggers that his aunt stares at her can stop her from coming over to his house and climbing up the stairs with him. Come all the disasters in the world, she knew what she was admitting to herself when she signed her name next to his with his friends Eren and Iclal as witnesses, and she will remain with him until the end. Obviously, there's the sex, but truly, she just likes being with him in his little part of the family home. It's like being in Muğla all over again, the slight difference being that she's his wife now and she can't see her life without him. So no matter how much his aunt hates her, she has a reason to endure it.
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Three simultaneously long and short weeks together have led them here to their first important hearing. This is where they have to convince the judge to rule them out as murder suspects, and she is out of her mind nervous for them. Apart from being innocent, he also has his reputation, which is why she needs to do her absolute best as their lawyer to get them free. After that, she will need to point the prosecutor in the right direction according to the information that they discovered, but she knows that even that won't be easy. What makes it more nerve-wracking is the absence of Eren and Iclal for the presence of both their families, his on one side of the corridor and hers on the other side. If she even starts thinking about the possibility of them failing this hearing, leading to their detainment and separation... If she even considers the possibility of leaving the life that they've been living together...
Luckily for her, he knows exactly what to do to relax her, the first of it being a light threat that he refuses to announce their marriage to their families alone. And then he touches her in a very specific, comforting way, telling her that no matter the hearing's outcome, and no matter which of their expectations fail, he loves her. It's the first time that he is confessing his feelings, and though he's in the habit of catching her completely off guard, this one brings her this close to bursting into tears. Tears of gratitude and happiness, that is, but she holds herself together. It's definitely the boost that she needs to ace their defence as their lawyer, though; knowing that he loves her regardless, is enough to make sure that they come out of this hearing free, free to be together and have their Mercan.