Chapter 10
Derya was crazy paranoid about the pregnancy test's disposable. She wouldn't throw it away in any of her home bins, neither in any of those outside her house, instead, Derya asked her to take it along and throw it away where Pars couldn't accidentally find and automatically link it to her pregnancy. That their partner would attribute a random pregnancy test to the woman that they're going to marry is an irrational fear that probably only newly pregnant women have, but she must admit that it's very cute. As an outsider, all that uncertainty and nerves was funny to experience firsthand.
Not so funny to be a part of, though, considering how she literally ignored every bin that she passed, believing that she would toss it into one of the station bins, only for her to forget about it, which then led to it ending up in Ilgaz's hand. Uff, to think of all the fuss that went into hiding that small thing, what bad luck is this that of the many items to spill out of her bag as Ilgaz held her back from leaving, the most striking of all is the white pregnancy test next to her brown purse?
'Ilgaz...' she sighs his name, trying to keep her eyes away from his face.
He please shouldn't ask her about it, the story is too private and the subject much too sensitive for her to get into. The most important thing is how she promised Derya that she wouldn't say anything to anyone, but if Ilgaz manages to get the truth out of her, he's likely to tell Pars, hence her avoiding his eyes.
He clearly heard her weak tone, but he still asks, 'What's this?' like he is demanding an answer during an interrogation.
All right, she will give him the right to use that manner of speak with her, seeing as her handbag fell right as they were in the middle of her accusing him of finding another woman to replace her with, but this is completely different and he needs to know that.
'Ilgaz...' she tries for his sober attention again, this time daring to move her eyes from the test to his face. 'Give it back, please.'
'What's this, Ceylin?' he still questions as if he didn't hear her request.
'I was going to throw it away,' is her soft explanation, along with a light and nervous laugh to help prove that he shouldn't mind it. 'You weren't supposed to see it, so just forget that you saw it.'
Derya will kill her three times over if she learns that the test was never thrown away like it was supposed to be, or… Will Ilgaz kill her before Derya can get the chance to? It may just be the lighting around them, because she knows for a fact that Ilgaz would never hurt her, but to her eyes, Ilgaz suddenly looks disturbed and angry, like his brain just exploded and he is now out of his mind.
His deep, disbelieving, 'Are you crazy?' only cements the feeling that he will definitely kill her, only, she can't immediately understand why a simple test that was supposed to be thrown away drove him to madness in a matter of two sentences.
Wait, does Pars suspect something? Is Derya right to be paranoid after all? If that's the case, she has to think and act fast to distract him. Either she will have to suddenly get angry with him, or she will have to make him lose his patience with her, in which case either will give her the right to furiously storm out of the house for an escape.
'I know you like to have the answers to everything,' she settles on poking at him, 'but this doesn't concern you.'
And she won't break regardless of his ability to read what she does and doesn't say. For Derya, who has the right to take as much time as she needs to process the new development in her life without too many people's influence, she won't tell him anything. Her attempt is useless, though. Rather than being led down that path to an argument, he steps into her with the most incredulous look on his face.
'Do you hear yourself, Ceylin?' he cries in a grating tone. 'How doesn't it concern me if you're pregnant? These are two lines,' he points to the test in his hand. 'I know what that means. You weren't going to tell me?'
Wait a minute, she completely freezes, completely confounded too, he... He thinks...?
Firstly, he actually thinks and has been thinking that she's pregnant, and secondly, he thinks that she would hide something like that from him?
'That is my baby too,' he sounds to remind her, filling the silence that had been left for her to answer. 'You just can't stop hiding things, can you?'
Oh, wow, he might as well have hit her across the face, because it feels exactly like he just smacked her with those words. She'd barely been decided on how to feel about what he thought what was going on, only for him to hit her with this? Well, at least she can confirm that just as it is with an unexpected slap, the pain from his accusation is ten times sharper.
Sharper, because there was a moment in the pharmacy when she picked up the test and thought if... Wondered if... Before she quickly brought herself to her senses and put everything behind her with the understanding that reality had nothing to do with dreams. It's also sharper, because she buried the possibility of being a mother so deeply, that it resulted in her being clueless as to how he would take seeing a pregnancy test falling from her bag.
Even as she looks at him with unblinking eyes, a lump forming in a throat and her morale slowly dying, she knows that she can't mourn their unlived reality in front of him. It's partly her fault that they've come to this, which means that when he reminds her of painful things that she's tried to bury, she can't look at him with tears in her eyes or expect any sympathy from him.
Even so, she can't let him believe his suspicion, and so quietly tells him, 'I'm not pregnant,' but hating every word of that sentence; it's such a painful confirmation.
'Stop it, Ceylin!' he harshly counters, also warning her. 'We both know what you can do. You just can't stop lying, even now. Is it because of him, whoever you were talking to and laughing with today? Does he know that you're still married and pregnant?'
With this second unexpected blow, he might as well have kicked her in the stomach and pushed her to the ground to continue kicking her.
There's no difference between that and how monstrous he is being to her. He is the ugliest that he has ever been to her right now, since not only does he accuse her of having someone else in two weeks, he also still believes that she's hiding being pregnant? How does it make sense to him that she moved on so fast after Cappadocia? When she mentioned him having someone else, it was just a reflexive response, not something that she actually believed. Unlike him apparently, who has already named her supposed boyfriend and created an imaginary relationship for them.
She can't believe him right now.
This can't be the same man who always looks handsome to him, the same man who would scowl as a prosecutor all day and then drop his voice to carry as much softness as he had for her when he spoke to her at any interval during that day. In the place of the priceless man who forsook it all to defend her from murder accusations, is now a grossly unappealing one who has such little faith in her love for him and a family of their own. He would've been the first to know it if she was pregnant, that's something that he should know, and by not knowing it, he just shattered her.
Because of that, she can't look at him or stand close to him anymore; she's going.
Her bags can stay, and she will send for them another day, but she won't stay here with him anymore. There's the urge to tell him exactly what he's done to her before she goes, but she manages to swallow her feelings and walk to the door as stably as she can. She shouldn't be stupid, exactly as she thought before, she shouldn't expect anything from him at this stage. What's the point of lashing out, shouting at him and exposing her emotions, if, in the end, they're getting divorced? What difference will it make to shout at him? Will it change the fact that he thinks her capable of seeing another man while she's still married?
That's every bit of painful motivation that needs to take step after step away from him, with the understanding that one sacrificial act on her part has distorted her image in his eyes and heart. She could've withstood most contentions between them except that. She must've fallen so far from his realm of redemption that he believes it possible to run into another's man's arm while carrying his child, and that is as terrible to digest as it's hard to look at him and not feel disgust with him. Just as she's reaching out to open the door, however, his hand lands on her, closing around it to stop her from making another move. She shudders at the contact, as unexpected and currently unwanted as it is.
'Wait, don't go,' he pleads from behind her, and honestly only he knows how he softens her enough to move her to face him.
In his eyes, she sees the regret for either what he said or what happened just a moment before, except he's already said it, already reminded her that they will never a child together and already broke her inside with his faithlessness in her. If this wasn't an emotional topic for her, if she wasn't barely keeping herself together, she would've had the strength to listen to his apologies.
'Listen to me, please,' he continues to plead, while taking hold of both of her arms to keep her in place.
Too unwilling to hear him, slightly angry that he would think of her that way and overly hurt to stay close to him, though, she tries to shake free from his hold, which he only tightens after pinning her back on the door.
'I beg your pardon,' he begs, beginning to run his hands up and down her arms. 'I was wrong to accuse you of lying and hiding anything. It's not an excuse, but I'm upset that you're leaving, and this isn't easy, Ceylin, believe me. I'm... I know there's no other man, but it's painful to see our end, so I'm losing my mind here. I want to make up reasons that will make it easier, but I'm really sorry, Ceylin.'
And what, she wonders, between his accusation and her walking away from him, made him realise that she's telling the truth? She appreciates his full honesty, but his accusation about lying did hurt her.
'I wouldn't lie about a baby,' she heatedly throws at him just to make it perfectly clear, regardless of how he realised it. 'You know that I wanted one with you.'
Only him, no other man, and she's stupid and delusional for this, but she still wants a baby with him. She'll never not want her own baby, with him only.
'I know, I remember,' he frantically nods along with his answer and then lifts his hand off her to hug her instead, earnestly asking for her forgiveness as he holds her close. 'It was a terrible thing to say to you and you were right to look at me with hatred, but I can't stand you hating me. Don't hate me, please forgive me.'
One part for the fact that she's feeling his embrace after so long and the other for that he's asking for forgiveness, she stops fighting to move away from him to stand completely still in his hold. She won't dare to move a single muscle and relax, because that will weaken her – she can't afford to be weak when she's already emotional to the brim. To him apparently, her new position incites him to slowly pull back and take her face in his hands.
'Do you forgive me?' he asks, most likely unsure of how to read her stiff position.
Uff, when he looks like that, it's hard to not be moved and instantly forgive him. He explained where those painful words came from, so she understands him very well. Besides, she shouldn't be unfair when he's always so good with her. When she's furious, he's always patient enough to coax her to calm down. When she's sad, he knows just how to placate her, and when she's emotional, he knows what to do to tame her emotions, wouldn't she be unfair to dismiss him when he's literally begging for her forgiveness?
She would be, she decides, which is why she shrugs reluctantly, telling him, 'I wouldn't lie about that. You know how I feel about family and parents. I wouldn't lie about that.'
He would make the best father, she has no doubt about that and it actually hurts that she will never see him be that with her. She hadn't realised how much it hurt, because she chose to avoid confronting him and rather walk away, but it hurts so much that unprompted tears begin to pool in her eyes as she looks at him.
'I know,' he accepts in a whisper, his eyes softening as he moves to plant a kiss on her forehead. 'I know. Please forgive me.'
Right after, as he pulls away from her forehead, she lifts her eyes to him, now afraid that if she voices her forgiveness, it will pronounce the real end for them. On the other hand, refusing his apology just to prolong their last moments together isn't right or fair. For that reason, she chooses to do the right thing and give him a small, accepting nod. To her light surprise, though, instead of breathing out in relief, he leans in and kisses her forehead again. Almost instantly after, with her face still in his hands, his lips softly move on to touch one cheek at a time, before carefully reaching her lips, pecking them once, to seemingly apologise, and a second time, to test if he is crossing a boundary.
Boundary or not, all she knows is that things escalate very quickly from the last kiss on her lips. Or they escalate slowly, rather. It goes unspoken between them that between the emotions from the fight and their impending divorce, they should surrender to connecting with each other at least one last time. Just one last time, even if it's against the door, they should share and properly say goodbye to a beautiful aspect of their love for each other. He, for one, is being painfully slow with handling her, as if both apologising or trying to make it up to her and understanding that if he rushes, it'll be over too soon. As for her, it's all a blur of feeling things until her only thought is how sleepy she is from the sound of the rain.
26Chapters
She won't lie and say that she didn't sleep well, better than she has since they left Cappadocia, in fact, although in the same breath, she also can't deny that sleeping well has the very specific price of a walk of shame.
She wants to scream from the bottom of her lungs just thinking about what's waiting for her outside his bed and room. When will they finally decide to learn to not do this? They always, always, always do this; they have a painful separation and then fall into intense passion when they see each other again. Obviously, that only proves how madly in love they are with each other and how attracted to each other they are, but it also shows how predictable they are.
Uff, she hates how predictable they are.
Someone could write a book about them and the results would be the same each time, like how much it hurts to repeat the cycle, and then the shame…
The shame is always the worst for her after such passion. As strong as she always wants to be afterwards, always determined to put on her best performance and tell him that nothing has changed between them, the fact that she allowed him to touch her at all, also how she silently begged for more of him as she clung to him, always makes it impossible to do it, hence the shame.
It's always so shameful to stand in front of him, lift her eyes to his and pretend that despite what happened, it's best for them to leave each other alone. Today especially, she's not ready to do her walk of shame. After their fight, after his confession that being in his own house reminds him of her, after them mourning the chance of having a baby, she really doesn't have the strength to fake it through her walk of shame, but she has to. The day has begun and there are clients to represent, so she has to.
She hopes that he is gone, though, she thinks as she pushes herself out of bed. And fine, she'll be nice and do him the courtesy of making up her bed, because he doesn't ever appreciate it when they separate and she leaves little reminders of her presence near him, but that's all. If he's somehow waiting for her in the sitting room, if he's prepared some choice words for her, she won't entertain him – he'll just have to accept that she has nothing to say to him. Oh, and the people downstairs better not be at home either.
She loves them, but they're all gossipers. As soon as one of them sees her leaving, they'll quickly spread it to the others that she spent the night, and then they will be excited, and she will read the excitement in their interactions with her and then she'll become hopeful, and no, she can't do that to herself. She can't start imagining being fully back in this house again when she should be finishing his bed and jumping into the shower.
It's a good thing that her luggage is still here. With her luggage here, she won't have to return to the office for a change of clothes, which will give her enough time to hopefully make it in time to the station before any interesting developments happen in the case. It's with those thoughts that she finishes making the bed and leaves the bedroom expecting to find him somewhere in the house. He's not in the sitting room, she finds, neither does it sound or smell like he is in the shower, which is how she concludes that he already left.
Oh good, she internally relieves, at least she's spared the walk of shame today.
Knowing that she won't have to pretend and avoid certain truths while he is there, instantly relaxes her, making her walk into the kitchen much more comfortable and free. Just as freely as she's walking, she begins to think about what she'll have with her tea once she gets out of the shower, only for her suddenly stop when her eyes land on the all too familiar round table in the middle of the kitchen. Even if she wanted to resist, even if he was standing on the other side of the table, she wouldn't have been able to stop her smile at the sight before her.
Of course he made her breakfast.
26Chapters
'Ceylin?'
Ay, Ilgaz, she tiredly closes her eyes to accept her fate.
With the help of the ongoing bride case, she made it this far, and she really believed that she'd get away with avoiding him for the rest of the day, but no, apparently not. Mr. Ilgaz Kaya just had to find a way to see her outside of her lawyer role, and now she has no choice but to turn around to him.
'Mhm?' she meets his face, his very determined face.
'We need to talk.'
Maybe they do, she reluctantly nods, or she can try and escape from his serious expression.
'I need to use the toilet,' she tried to excuse, but he doesn't fall for it.
Rather, he gently steers her back around, beginning to guide her to the bathrooms with his hand on her lower back. In almost half of a minute, he closes them inside the men's bathroom and bars them in by leaning his back on the door.
'We need to talk,' he repeats with no less conviction than before.
'I have nothing to say to you,' tumbles from her mouth as she tries to find a reason to leave the bathroom – there has to be someone in one of those three toilets, even if they're wide open.
'Ceylin!' he crosses his arms, which effectively sobers her up to give him all of her attention.
'What do you want to talk about?'
'Whose test is that?' he gets right to the point.
That's exactly what she doesn't want to talk about. Not only did it turn into a raw wound between them, it also led to something that they can't afford to happen while inside the station's bathroom.
'You were not supposed to see it,' is her calm attempt at shutting it down. 'I can't say who it belongs to, but it's not mine. I'm not pregnant, but if you don't believe me, we can go to a doctor right now.'
It's like he doesn't even hear her as he asks, 'Is it Parla's?' with keen interest. 'I was thinking about it last night. Are Çinar and Parla going to have a baby? Is that why everything happened?'
Oh, if only that was the reason. She wouldn't have so much resentment for what she did if a baby was involved. And yes, she would've told him, because her niece and his brother are both too young and immature to be left alone while pregnant, but it's thankfully not Parla's.
'I'm not going to tell you whose it is, Ilgaz,' she tells him, 'just know that it isn't mine. I'm not pregnant. Nothing has changed. We will still get divorced.'
'Okay, nothing has changed,' he calmly accepts, although the faint smile starting to form on his face says the opposite. 'We will get divorced, but only when four weeks have passed and a doctor has confirmed that you aren't going to have our baby.'
His words are exactly like he just swooped her off her feet and hoisted her up into the air without a warning and a proper reason to. So dazed and taken aback by them that she can only breathe for the following first few seconds.
What? Just... Excuse her, what?
There's his unbothered, slightly amused expression, and then there's what he actually said; an unexpected beam of hope for them. After all that, what's her response supposed to look like? Does she jump for joy that he simultaneously doesn't want a divorce and wants a baby with her, or does she protect herself from being hopeful of a life together with him again? She loves him. To everything sacred, she loves him with everything and more, but the wound of separation from Parla's case is one that she can't have another one of.
She really can't experience that again, and so poses a protective, 'What's your problem, Ilgaz?' to him. 'You don't act like someone who wants to get rid of me. What are you talking about?'
'We will revisit this conversation again when we've been to the doctor,' he answers calmly, adding an unfazed shrug as if they were talking about their dinner preferences, which isn't helping her not evade hope for them.
'There's no need for a doctor, I'm...' she starts, struggling with how to deter him. 'I won't be pregnant even then, and anyway, did you do that on purpose last night? You tricked me!'
Everything she just said is nothing more than desperate stupidity. For one thing, she can't be sure if they managed to conceive or not, and for another, he obviously didn't trick her into sex with him. They both know that when it comes to sex between them, there's never any coercion or trickery involved.
'How exactly did I trick you, Ceylin?' he challenges, and she doesn't remember when he moved, but he is suddenly too close for her to answer. He smells so good, triggering the memory of his grunts of pleasure from last night in her head, and... 'I didn't use any words, and you didn't show any resistance. In fact, I remember…' he leans forwards to –
'No!' she hastily jumps back, following it with a long, steadying breath, just so she can tell him, 'I'm not pregnant,' again.
Moving back from him was the only defence that she could've made for her own sake. Had any part of him touched her while she was forcing herself to deny the truth about them, or worse, had she allowed him to finish his sentence, she would've been out of her mind the whole day, wanting him so, so badly, because she remembers too.
'We'll see,' he dismisses, and it's just...
Uff, he's really not making this easy for her.
He's so calm yet so serious about everything. Both his speech and manner confirm that he has thought about their situation to this point. Apparently, while she was sleeping, he was figuring out how to put pieces together for their photo to be whole again.
'I won't be,' she maintains.
'Mh-hm,' he absently agrees, sounding a little amused. 'Come on, we have a job to do. You need to call Tolga and let him know that I will be questioning the family again,' he completely changes the subject. 'You will fill him in on what he misses when he gets here.'
She swears, those words are magic.
Whatever they say about love languages and the way to a woman's heart, she only has three; food, work and the man offering her the chance to get back to work again. Apart from her energy totally shifting to excitement, she's already forgetting their disagreement thanks to the work mention, invitation, really.
'Are you coming?' he asks.
'I'm coming.'
Like she'd miss the chance to be part of an interrogation – official or not.
'Then come,' he reaches out to take her arm, and as he leads her out of the toilet, she wonders how soon is too soon to start hoping that they conceived last night.