Huan Strongarm: A Bartfort Folktale

by Vergil Creiger

In which a simple delivery to Holfort goes horribly horribly wrong.

17. Wid the Terrified

Of course, I realise how hard it is to take Abbot Laurent's prediction seriously. After all, we all know that Leon went on adventures for years and years following Laurent's supposed deadline, chronicled in the Leoniad and other texts. We read about him in textbooks for crying out loud. But that's not what you should take away from this: don't focus on the murder, focus on the murderer.

The Greatest Wolf to Ever Draw Breath.

Those amongst you who are familiar with Leon's adventures will probably assume that this referred to the wolf Fenrir, who Leon famously fought along with his younger brother multiple times, both before and after his disastrous love affair with their sister. I'm going to go ahead and tell you now that it wasn't him. He wouldn't fight his first duel with Fenrir until after his scuffle with Grendel, as recorded by Empress Ariana in her book In the Footsteps of Beowulf.

The Greatest Wolf to Ever Draw Breath was already in Holfort and already aware of Leon's existence; in fact they were waiting for him in the palace at that very moment. And when they met at the predetermined time and place, Huan would die in regret as his friends and loved ones looked on in heartbreak. His death would bring something into being that even the Abbot didn't predict, a creature that Leon himself considered only a hypothetical scenario.

The Archlegion.

Huan Strongarm: A Bartfort Folktale, by Lufas Maphaahl

"Fuck off, assholes!" Novice Sama shouldered Julius out the way, leaving him too shocked to react. Chris had to wrestle Jilk away from his gun before he could shoot her. "Eat shit and die!"

"You fat bitch!" Jilk snarled. "I'll kill you!"

"I was afraid of this," remarked Leon. "She doesn't want to talk to us. Idiot girl is probably too wrapped up in herself to care."

They had tracked the truant girl to the gardens outside of the Great Library, an enormous building with massive stone sea serpents carved into the sides. Sama was a furtive girl with deep bags under her eyes, clutching a book to her chest and flinching away whenever someone drew close. The Prince barely had time to mention Eamon's name before she blew the hell up at him.

"You shouldn't have told her who sent us," the wolfdog remarked. "Now she thinks we're narcs."

"She was mean," said Olivia firmly. As annoying as he was, apparently even Julius deserved the protagonist's mercy. "Did you know she was going to be like this?"

"Honestly no," admitted Leon. "If you and I hadn't met you would have done this way later on. She would have been a wreck of her former self, her original personality worn down by months of brutal torture. Her mind worn down by endless visions of-"

"Okay!" Olivia interrupted shrilly. "We're definitely not leaving without helping that girl!"

"That could be difficult," observed Julius. "It's hard to convince someone of anything if they refuse to even hear you out. Is it possible to ask that boyfriend you mentioned to help us out?" Leon cringed hard. "Is he that bad?"

"I'm not scared!" Olivia and Pietru stared at him in shock. "I mean… uh…"

"Why would you be scared?" the Elder Dragon asked. She had briefly left to stash the Huan plushie in her nest, and had returned quick enough to catch the tail end of Sama's crushing rejection. "Is this man dangerous in some way?"

"No," said Leon. He averted his eyes in embarrassment. "It's not… It's not him specifically that I… t-that I…"

"Then shouldn't we at least try and talk to him?" Olivia suggested reasonably. "If the alternative is letting those horrible things happen to that poor girl, maybe it's worth… whatever it is you're worried about."

"There's always the option to give up," said Jilk heartlessly. "Remember, the Abbot already said the book was ours, so essentially the only reason we're doing this is an act of good faith. It is entirely within our rights to abandon this fool girl to her fate."

Characteristically, Leon immediately wanted to do the opposite of whatever Jilk suggested. His face still twisted, his every instinct saying to avoid the man at all costs. "Fine," he spat, forcing the words out in a heroic act of will. "We're looking for a monk called Brother Wid. He's bald, he has a black patch of beard on his chin and he constantly talks to himself. He's hard to miss."

The four bipeds looked over his shoulder, where a monk matching his description was staggering back and forth through the gardens. He constantly muttered to himself about visions of death and ruin, occasionally flinching away from things only he could see.

"I think he's standing right behind you."

Of course, Leon already knew that. His extraordinary hearing meant that Brother Wid's ramblings had been buzzing in his ears ever since they arrived at the Monastery, forcing Leon to remain conscious of his presence the entire time they spoke to Sama. "I know."

The monk trembled in his robes as they approached, his round, pallid head glistening with sweat. "Yes?" he greeted them nervously, his eyes constantly darting around in a way that sent a surge of paranoia up their spines. "Can I help you?"

"It's nice to meet you," said Olivia, quickly speaking up before Julius had the chance. "Are you Brother Wid?"

"I am Brother Wid, yes," he nodded. He used his sleeve to wipe some of the sweat off his forehead, quickly glancing over his shoulder as though hearing something. "They call me Wid the Terrified."

Leon gave a tired sigh. "Hello there, Wid. How are you doing today?"

"Not great, honestly." The three humans took a moment to realise that Leon must have said something. "I am in the midst of reading the Scroll of Monas, which Ikus Fou Seberg himself gifted to the Monastery in exchange for access to the holy site."

"Ikus Fou Seberg?" Chris immediately lasered in on the name. "As in one of the members of the Five Adventurers? Greg's ancestor?"

"Who is Greg?" Olivia asked aloud, but Wid was zoning out before their eyes and clearly in no state to answer either question.

"In the scroll, there stood a gnarled tree dark with a hundred ravens. I spied a beautiful maiden in a gossamer robe, bearing her head in her arms. I fled from a twelve-headed monster with twelve tails, writhing like snakes."

"Tree?" said Julius.

"Maiden?" said Jilk.

"Monster?" said Chris.

"Parrots?" said Leon. The fairy and the Dragon Reaper snorted in the background.

"These visions haunt me to this day," continued Brother Wid. Either he was too into his monologue to register what they were saying or he was ignoring them. Leon liked to think it was the latter. "I cower in a world of shadows. The world of the book becomes my world. The monks of this island go mad unless they are saved."

"That's what we're here to do," nodded Leon. "Help us talk to Sama about her lessons and we'll get you what you need."

Olivia caught his wording. "What do you mean? What does he need?"

Wid smiled wanly. "Truly, no secret is unknown to Lord Huan the God Hound. In the catacombs below the Crypt of Kings there lies the Axe of Ikus, left there by its master when he ventured inside and never came back. With this weapon, I could face the phantoms that haunt me. Whether I live or die, I shall be free."

Despite how he had avoided this sidequest earlier, Leon felt for the guy. "Don't worry, pal," he said reassuringly. "We'll find that Axe."

Olivia looked at him curiously. "This is why you were avoiding him, isn't it? Because you didn't want to go into those catacombs?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Sorry guys, but I'm done here," said Pietru apologetically. "The main reason I can survive in a region with so little food is because I survive mostly on sunlight. I'm afraid if you're going underground then I won't be of much use."

"It's cool," grunted Leon. "There's nothing too deadly down there. I'll catch you later."

"Sure thing." Pietru nodded goodbye to Olivia and peaced out, flying away over the battlements and returning to her majestic true form before randomly using her laser breath to obliterate an unfortunate band of Orks.

The three humans looked confused. "Why did she leave?"

"I'll tell you later," promised Olivia.

"Ask Brother Ovaard," suggested Wid. "He is the Guardian of the Crypt, and I'm sure he'll give you the key if it's the legendary Huan asking."

Leon huffed, padding away without replying. The bipeds said a quick goodbye before hurrying after him. "Huan? What's in those catacombs that you're so worried about?"

"Nothing! Just… Let's just go!"

Brother Ovaard was in the courtyard in front of Abbot Laurent's quarters, and took one look at Leon before shoving the Crypt Key into their hands without giving them a chance to ask. The key was for a hidden lock installed in a moveable bookcase in the Minor Library, where all the nonlethal books like the Encyclopaedia of Heresies were kept. The bookcase slid aside once it was unlocked, revealing dark, slimy steps leading into the bowels of the elevated island.

At the bottom was an enormous sarcophagus surrounded by nine statues; given the recent depth of context offered by the White Dragon, these were probably the nine members of the Saint's original party. Or at least some other group of people who just so happened to have a coincidentally significant number.

"Is this the Mausoleum?" The bipeds seemed overawed, turning in circles as they admired the piece of preserved history. "Do you think it's true that the first Kings of Holfort were entombed here?"

Leon ignored them, growing himself a few sizes to increase his weight. Two of the statues (one holding an axe and the other a book) could be depressed into the wall; he leaned his shaggy shoulders into them until they clicked into place, causing the large sarcophagus to slide back across the ground and reveal yet another staircase leading down.

"Below the Great Library, the Mausoleum," whispered Julius breathlessly. "Beneath the Mausoleum, the holy site."

The stair opened up into a gigantic tunnel, so wide and tunnel that Leon could have grown to his maximum size and still had enough room to lick his balls. Enormous cylinders of a strange white material supported the tunnels at intervals, the gaps between them - such as the spot where they had emerged from the staircase - consisting of more traditional dirt and stone.

"What are these?" Olivia grinned, jumping into the nearest structure with the gleeful curiosity of a scholar. When she pressed her palm to the wall the odd substance was smooth and cool to the touch, and when Leon tread on it he felt the tiniest of vibrations through his pads. "Is this some kind of mineral or ore? Perhaps an underground waterway carved a hole through it in ancient times?"

"It's ivory."

"What?"

"It's ivory," Leon said again. "As in bone. These are the vertebrae of a giant sea serpent. We're standing in the place where its spinal cord used to be."

For a moment the four bipeds just stared at him. "You're making that up," said Chris.

"No, really," said Leon. Every time he said anything he had to wait while Olivia translated, but he felt like he may as well tell them. "You know the water… lift… thingy that carries water up from the sea to the continent? It swam up the water lift into the dungeon and suffocated when it reached the surface and there was no water left to breath. Most of the tail was mined by the Orks before the Saint even got here, but the head and the rest of the body are still intact."

"That's what the Saint wanted to protect?" Jilk said disbelievingly. "That's what the Seekers have been hiding all this time?"

"Of course not." If Leon had lips, he would have been smiling. "That would be what the serpent was holding in its mouth when it died."

Julius seemed rapt, his adventurer blood on fire. "What was in the serpent's mouth?"

Leon grinned as well as any dog could. "Don't you want to walk in your ancestor's footsteps and find out for yourself?"

For a moment there was no curse, no prophesied demise and no Elodach. There were just five teenagers going on an adventure.

The catacombs were filled to bursting with undead; luckily, since they disintegrated into black smoke when they died, that meant they were monsters rather than literal reanimated corpses. Chris and Julius were acting as the vanguard while Jilk and Olivia offered support; Leon wasn't participating, allowing the teenagers to get some real combat experience and occasionally nudging them in the right direction.

"Blast these things!" Julius complained, his sword briefly getting tangled in a ribcage. "Why are they so tough?"

"Because you're using a bladed weapon," Leon explained patiently. "Try using a blunt instrument."

"He says to try using blunt attacks!" Olivia called helpfully. Julius shot a murderous look over his shoulder meant for both of them.

"But I don't have a-"

He yelped as a skeleton almost cut his head off, its sword flashing with sparks as it bounced off a barrier created by Olivia in the nick of time. "Tell Chris to cover for him," ordered Leon. "Bring him back, then heal him."

Julius was forced to kneel as the fairy healed his cuts and bruises, listening in bemusement as the large dog made mouthy Husky noises at him.

"He says that if you need blunt attacks, use your shield," translated Olivia. "You were taught how to use your sword to deflect attacks: if your shield can be a weapon, your weapon can be a shield."

The advice was just what he needed; a forty minute quest to the Arclight territory was replaced with forty seconds of logical explanation, and worked wonders. Julius began crushing the skeletons with ease, smashing their upper bodies with his shield and parrying their clumsy swings with his sword. Chris was next in line to be healed.

"Maintain situational awareness," Leon told him. "Ask yourself if it would be more convenient to let Jules or Green take the killing shot. To the same extent, don't be afraid to take openings they open up. Teamwork isn't about standing out. And aim for the knees more: they're skeletons, they don't judge."

The blue haired swordsman's pathological need for attention would be harder to rectify, but dissolving him of the belief that accepting aid was shameful seemed a good start.

"Tell Jilk that he needs to be quicker on the draw. His ideal fighting style should involve identifying weaknesses, aiming and firing with no lag time." Leon waited as Olivia related his instructions. "As for you, you're honestly really skilled already. What we really need to do is get you access to the Academy facilities; they should help you study up and improve your magic. As for equipment, I can think of three really good pieces off the top of my head: two of them are a pain to get, but the third is in the dung-"

"Is that a ghost?"

Leon sprang away, yelping repeatedly; he was actually screaming the word 'Fuck!' over and over again in an incredibly high pitched voice. Olivia had deliberately timed this remark for when the last of the skeletons was dealt with, for fear that one of the boys would get distracted and hurt themselves as Leon freaked out.

"Huan?" A slow grin was making its way over her face. "Are you afraid of ghosts?"

"No!" Leon snapped. His ears were flattened and his tail quivered between his legs. "I'm just… you know… not a fan…"

"Aw," cooed Olivia. The three dipshits began snickering in the background. "That is just adorable!"

"Shut up!" Leon barked. "I'm not afraid of ghosts! I just-" He abruptly stopped talking at the sound of rocks clattering in the distance. His ears pricked up on high alert. "What the fuck was that?"

The catacombs led them deeper and deeper underground, but the worst thing they encountered was a two headed skeleton with a dragon skull for a hand. It wasn't especially large - which made sense, considering that most of the continent's subterranean space was occupied by the dungeon - and soon the vertebrae narrowed as they entered the neck. Just before the jaw was a spot where the tunnel had partially caved in between the bones on both sides, leaving only a narrow path to the finish line.

Standing in that narrow path and blocking their way was a knight. His gleaming silver armour shone even in the dark cavern, reflecting the light off their torches. It covered his entire body except for his abdomen, which was covered in plated blue metal that none of them could identify. Decorative gold adorned him in many places, especially his enormous pauldrons.

In the centre of each pauldron was a large blue gem, with a third in the middle of his chest. A fourth gem sat in the middle of the impressive kite shield in his left hand, which was made of rippling diamond that reflected the light in a rainbow of hues. In his right hand was a long sword with a blade that shone painfully bright, causing everyone but Leon - who at this point was just built different - to squint their eyes. A long blue cape hung from his shoulders, fluttering dramatically despite the utter lack of wind.

Behind his head was glowing blue halo; a slowly rotating ring of blue arrows that were thankfully much dimmer than his sword. His helmet was elaborately decorated with three spikes that fanned out from his forehead, reminding Leon vaguely of a Gundam. His eyes glowed green, observing them solemnly as they approached. As soon as they laid eyes on him, the entire party knew that they had seen him before: his armour was unique, and immediately recognisable as one of the nine statues in the Mausoleum.

"I am Sir Moissa Onemore," he proclaimed, his voice echoing dramatically. "Knight of the Serpent Hunters. Who trespasses upon this sacred ground?"

"Holy hell?" Leon croaked. "He can talk? W-Why? Why does he talk now?"

Olivia gave him an odd look. "Huan, I didn't hear him say anything."

Leon did a mental backspace. "Wait, really?" He turned back to the spangly looking knight. "Uh… Excuse me? Sir? Could I please-"

"I am the finder of the Books of Vorhannen," he interrupted rudely. "Slayer of the fell sorceress Ursahla and wanderer of the Gehemene Marshes! I serve none other than the Twin Pupils!"

"Shit, nevermind. He doesn't speak dog."

"Sir!" Olivia called. "I don't suppose you-"

"Get him!" Julius and Chris rushed forward with weapons drawn, while Jilk supported them with gunfire. The bullets pinged uselessly off the knight's armour, while their weapons likewise bounced ineffectually off his shield.

"Well, while they're occupied," continued Leon. "He said his name is Moissa Onemore. Apparently he's one of the Serpent Hunters, whoever they are."

"He's almost indestructible!" Julius shouted. "We have to find his weak spot!"

"Maybe that's what the Saint's party called themselves," suggested Olivia. "Think about it: he looks just like that statue back in that crypt, and Lil P told us that they had a ninth member who never took off his helmet. If this man is actually a living suit of armour then it would go a long way to explaining why he's still around after all this time."

"Insolent tomb raiders!" Onemore scoffed. "Moissanite is as hard as diamond! You cannot hurt me!" Ironically he wasn't doing much damage himself, possessing a weak swing on top of clearly being out of practice after so long by himself. Leon and Olivia felt comfortable that both sides would be fine if they ignored them for a while.

Side Note: Sir Onemore is actually incorrect. While diamonds score a ten out of ten on the Mohs scale of hardness, moissanite lags behind at a respectable 9.25: still very durable, but he's essentially overselling himself for his job interview here.

Leon was giving Olivia an incredulous look. "Lil P? That's what you're calling the unfathomably powerful Elder Dragon?"

"Look me in the eye and tell me you won't call her that in your head from now onward."

The fairy and the wolfdog stared each other down; Leon blinked first. "Fine! You win!"

"Aha!" Chris parried Onemore's swing and jabbed him in the throat, accomplishing nothing. "Do you see? This is the result of my hard work, of my daily training, of blah blah blah…"

"So this is news to you, right?"

"Of course it is!" Leon huffed. "Until five minutes ago I thought he was mute!"

"Is it possible that this is one of your abilities?" Olivia cocked her head and folded her arms under her breasts. "It seems odd that you would be able to suddenly speak animal just because you were turned into one: after all, an animal can't speak our language just because it turns into a human. It seems much more likely that this is just another ability that none of us noticed."

"That is true."

Jilk screamed like a little girl as one of his bullets ricocheted off the knight's armour, coming dangerously close to doming the Crown Prince.

"We should put a stop to this before they hurt themselves."

"Probably." Olivia raised her voice to catch his attention. "Sir Onemore? Sir Moissa Onemore! Is that your name?"

The knight froze in place, causing Julius to bonk embarrassingly off his chest. Chris - who would have been in serious danger of breaking his glasses - managed to avoid this fate by arresting his momentum with an awkward wobble.

With a hysterical wail the shiny soldier threw himself at the fairy's feet, sobbing pathetically.

"Thank the stars!" Onemore cried, his face (or helmet, whichever) betraying no emotion at all. "It's been so long since I last had someone who could understand me! I've been so lonely… so lonely…"

Olivia shifted nervously, reaching out to pat him on the shoulder but ultimately deciding against it. "I'm sorry, I… I-I-I really don't know if you're even saying anything. I only understand animals."

Onemore stopped pontificating, still hunched over in a kowtowing position. "You can't? Then… T-T-Then how did you know my name?"

"Huan told me."

Leon wagged his tail as Olivia pointed at him. The knight just stared blankly. "But he's just a dog," he pointed out, not unreasonably. "How could a normal dog-" Leon randomly grew and shrank himself in rapid succession, causing Onemore to recoil in horror. "Great Scott!"

"So is he not going to attack us?" Julius asked. He was holding his sword and shield in a way that suggested he wasn't entirely certain what he was supposed to do with himself. "Should… Should we all put our weapons away?"

"Yes, please," nodded Olivia absently. "So were you really a member of the Saint's party?"

"I was, yes." He nodded as he said this, so Leon didn't bother translating. Olivia thrummed with scholastic giddiness.

"He said he serves the Twin Pupils," offered Leon. "Why don't you ask him about that?"

Olivia did so; Leon related to her everything he said, and she in turn passed it on to the three humans. "Twin Pupils was what we called our leader," he explained. "On account of him having two pupils in one eye. It wasn't really his name, it was just what he called himself when he went adventuring."

"Can relate," nodded Leon. "I went by Strongarm back when I was human."

"So what makes this place so special?" Jilk asked. "I mean, you've been protecting it for a very long time, so…"

"Originally I was a comet, dragged out of the sky and forcibly crafted into a familiar by the witch Ursahla," explained Onemore. "She resided in the Gehemene Marshes on this very landmass, until Twin Pupils and his allies arrived. Through the secrets of the Books of Vorhannen she had rendered herself invulnerable to all things of the earth but not of the stars, and hoped to use my essence to make her immortality complete: this proved her undoing, as once the brides of Twin Pupils broke my chains I was able to strike her down. She was, you see, not yet immune to the frozen bite of a comet's ice. That is why all I know is what I overheard: I had their trust, but still they heard nothing when I spoke."

"That's fine," grinned Julius. "Whatever you know is fine." Leon rolled his eyes; like the other two boys, the Prince had been brought up on stories of these people. No wonder he was eager.

"Very well," nodded Onemore. "Before my creation, it is my understanding that a love triangle existed between a woman named Canaria and two existing members of the party: Arclight and Seberg."

"Mine and Greg's ancestors?" Chris whispered, but that wasn't what the others were focusing on.

"Canaria?" Jilk jumped on the name. "So the Monastery was named after her?"

"You mean the one established by the Seekers? Yes, they named it such after I told them this very story. You see, Twin Pupils had his bride cast a compulsion upon them: each would have no choice but to abide by her choice, even if she loved an unknown third man. She chose Arclight. I understand their children inherited her blue hair, which she got from her legendary grandmother."

"Aha!" Chris cheered. "Suck it, Greg!" He averted his eyes and coughed as he realised they were staring. "W-Who was her grandmother? Do you know?"

"It was the sea serpent."

"He said it was the sea serpent… I'm sorry, what?"

"The sea serpent," Onemore said again. "As in this one."

When they were all on the same page, the group began looking at the colossal vertebral with new eyes. "So…" rasped Chris, his eyes flickering with mild panic over his ancestor's remains. "We're… We're actually…"

"In her, yes. And not in a sexy way. Unfortunately Lady Canaria suffered difficulties in childbirth and died, but using ancient magic her grandmother was able to place her in a state between life and death. Her grandmother took her away to somewhere she could recover, swimming up the continent's water lift and entering the dungeon in an attempt to use its magic core as a battery. The final monster guarding it was too much for her: unable to return to the ocean she fled to the surface, where she dried out and died with her slumbering grandchild still clasped in her jaws."

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Julius shouted. "That can't be right! If that's true, then… then the entire reason the Saint's party was formed was…"

"To find this location, yes," the knight confirmed. "I understand they were planning on establishing a kingdom with which to guard her. Is that still around?"

"It, uh, is, yes," fumbled Julius. "I am Prince Julius, the current Crown Prince."

"I see. I understand that Twin Pupils and his cousin planned on flipping a coin to decide who had to be King; they were both lazy assholes who couldn't stand responsibility, so neither of them wanted the job."

"Well, my last name is Holfort, so…"

"Ah, so Twin Pupils won, did he? That's a shame: Bartfort would have made a great King."

Leon froze, his gut feeling like he had swallowed a block of ice. "Bartfort? Twin Pupils, his… his last name was Bartfort?"

"Right. The Bartforts and the Holforts were both low ranking branches of the Fort family from the Kingdom of Elfrieden. Why do you ask?"

"Did you say Bartfort?" Being the smartest person in the room, Olivia quickly put the pieces together. "Twin Pupils was really called Bartfort… and his cousin was Holfort of the Five Adventurers… and because he lost a coin toss, Holfort had to be King…"

Everyone began looking between Leon and Julius, except for Chris and Onemore who still didn't know Leon's real name. "This never leaves this room," said Leon threateningly. "Say it." Olivia hastily repeated his instructions, but the boys were too shocked to respond. "Say it or I'll bite your hands off!"

They quickly stammered their agreement, though Julius still made a remark about being family that got him the death glare to end all death glares. "So why did you stay here?" Olivia asked. "We met the White Dragon outside, and she said only eight of you came back out again."

"Oh, I was there," Moissa chortled. "I am capable of taking an inactive state as a bracelet, and was weakened from fighting the skeletons. No, my vigil did not begin until the mental state of Ikus Fou Seberg began to deteriorate."

"Greg's ancestor?" Jilk frowned. "What was wrong with him?"

"He never got over Canaria's rejection, and when he blamed Arclight for her death his mind was ground into dust as it rebelled against its constraints. When he chose to return here he was made my new master by Twin Pupils, who hoped that I might keep him safe."

The knight looked over his shoulder; behind him they could see the inside of the sea monster's skull. In the game - where Moissa Onemore was referred to only as the Comet General - the mouth of the skull would open on his defeat, opening the path to the altar where Canaria Fia Arclight was guarded by a boss. Given how the encounter had been recontextualised, Leon wasn't feeling nearly as enthusiastic as he had when he entered the catacombs.

"Ikus remained by his lady love's side until he starved to death; as I am sustained by my master's life force I should have wasted away also, if not for the chains of his obsession. He returned as one of the monsters that haunt these catacombs: as an undead, binding me to serve him in his unlife. To this day his cadaver stands over her, gazing with mad adoration at her face."

"That's who we came for," said Julius firmly. "We need his axe, the Axe of Ikus."

The shiny soldier seemed to think for a moment. "I remember that it is useful for striking astral adversaries. Is that why you need it?"

"It's a long story," said Olivia, and meant it. "But the short of it is that without that axe, Huan can never return to human form."

Sir Moissa Onemore - the long lost Ninth Adventurer - planted his glowing sword in the dirt and bowed at the flustered wolfdog's feet. "You have ended my eon of loneliness. My gratitude to you, Lord Huan, cannot be expressed. If it is the Axe that you need, then it is the Axe that you shall receive."

The dead serpent's jaw opened dramatically behind him, and at last the holy site of the Seekers of the Last Unknown was visible.

The tunnel ended in a short bridge, leading to an elevated altar covered by a small gazebo. The walls were a mess of Grecian archways ending in blank stone walls, as if they were within a great tower. The architecture couldn't possibly have been built by the monks, the Seekers or even the Saint's party, as it visibly grew out of the cave walls in the fashion of all structures that appeared in the dungeon.

A beautiful woman with hair the same colour as Chris lay on the altar, her body coated in centuries of dust. A gaunt man stood over her; as they approached the bridge, he slowly turned to face them as the dust fell from his shoulders.

Seberg's arms and legs were covered in dark chainmail, and his breastplate bore the faded crest of his household. A grimy cloak hung from his shoulders - presumably the flayed hide of some monster - and a snow white beard sat on his chin.

Ikus Fou Seberg had been mummified by his long entombment, his translucent skin stretched tight over his skull and forcing his mouth into a permanent grin. Whatever colour they originally were, his eyes had now rotted to a revolting grey; not like the Abbot's blindness, but a primal shade of decay that Leon (for some reason) found himself associating with nuclear fallout. Even his unsurpassed sense of smell could detect no rot, which would have implied the presence of bacteria; there was only death, so absolute that even the last microorganism in his system had perished.

A kite shield bearing the Seberg crest was strapped to his left hand, while in his right was an enormous, one sided axe. Of everything in Canaria's tomb, it alone was gleaming and pristine.

The Axe of Ikus. The finish line.

"I am Ikus Fou Seberg," the revenant proclaimed. "Lord and Master of this Kingdom, consort to the ocean's most beautiful woman. Who dares violate the tomb of my Queen?"

Julius - sweet, naive soul that he was - seemed genuinely confused. "I thought she dumped you for someone else?"

Ever so slightly, Seberg's dead eye twitched. "How dare you? Canaria loves…"

He suddenly lasered in on Chris, who for his part looked deeply intimidated. "Um…"

"YOU!" The undead adventurer lunged with a scream; Julius and Chris met him on the bridge in a clash of steel as Jilk opened fire, Olivia's hands glowing with white light as she supported them with magic.

"Should we be helping?" Onemore asked nervously. Leon ignored him, padding around the battle for a better view before sitting back on his haunches. "I mean, I don't know if you're familiar with Seberg, but he's… h-he's a pretty tough cookie!"

"If I go around fighting all their battles for them then they'll forget how to fight battles all together," yawned Leon. "I know how this fool fights; trust me, they can do this."

For a moment the Comet General was silent. "See, I know you're probably talking to me, but all I hear is… do you know what a Husky sounds like?"

"Urgh!"

No matter how badass he was in life, Seberg's long imprisonment had caused his skills to atrophy. Despite the monstrous strength granted by his undeath this proved enough to even the playing field, allowing the two young men to fight him to a draw. Julius quickly proved the more dangerous of the two, until Ikus batted Chris away with his shield and raised his axe to rush him.

"Woah!" Chris backstopped the swipe, having been waiting for this specific opportunity; he lunged back in and jabbed his sword through his knee, causing the revenant to squawk and miss the mark.

"Arclight!" Ikus spat. "You piece of-"

Julius used his sword to deflect the weakened blow, then slammed his shield into the axe to send it spinning away to embed in the dirt. "Aha! I got the Axe! We've got the Axe of Ikus!"

"Good job, buddy!" Leon called, then gave Onemore a smug look. "I taught him that."

Ikus glowered, pulling a new weapon from his waist: the sword was blood red and slightly curved, with a prong near the hilt for catching and disarming the opponent's sword. Leon recognised it from the game as the main reward for completing the catacombs: the Sword of Spirits, capable of shooting Fire Arrows with every swipe.

The next swing sent a lance of flame flying towards the Crown Prince; he narrowly dodged, leaving it to explode harmlessly against Olivia's barrier. "Was that a Fire Arrow?" he squeaked. "Is that a Sword of Spirits?"

Although Ikus had nowhere near enough IQ remaining to disarm the boys of their weapons, the sleekness of the Sword enhanced his speed almost to the point of overwhelming them. "Leave His Highness alone!" Jilk emptied his revolver, but Seberg blocked every bullet with his shield. The green haired boy frantically tried to reload as the undead glared.

"Marmoria!" Ikus snarled. "Do you betray me also?"

The time he took to speak bought Jilk the time he needed: the next Fire Arrow launched from the Sword of Spirits was shot out of the air with an enchanted bullet, the magical ice loaded inside exploding into clouds of steam. Jilk fired a barrage of lightning bullets through the mist, hitting Ikus in the chest and blowing holes in him large enough to stick a limb through.

"Clever," acknowledged Sir Onemore. "He has talent."

Seberg staggered back; he would have frothed at the mouth if his body contained any remaining moisture. "I will not yield…" he growled, his voice rising into a hysterical scream. "I WILL NOT BOW!"

Ethereal blue light burst from the wounds, manifesting into grasping, spectral arms. They extended through air like tentacles and grabbed Jilk off his feet, whisking him screaming into the air.

"Jilk!" Julius panicked. "Hold on!"

"Your Highness!" Jilk shouted back. "I'm trapped! I can't get free!"

When Seberg reared back his Sword, only Chris was close enough to stop it; he desperately tried to deflect the blow, managing to knock the Sword of Spirits out of his hand leaving the Fire Arrow to explode against the wall. Awful pain lanced through his wrist as Chris watched his sword shatter, the blade obliterated by Seberg's superior weapon.

Good job, Chris," crowed Julius. "Let's-"

Ikus tossed his shield aside and grabbed them by their throats, lifting them off their feet and while holding Jilk with the spectral arms. "I'm going to kill you like a damn centaur!"

"What an odd comparison to make," remarked Onemore.

"Olivia," prompted Leon. "What happens to your arm if you're sticking it through a door as it's sealed off by a barrier?"

The fairy just looked at him blankly. "What does that have to do with… Oh, I see!"

She created a localised barrier around Seberg's upper body, cutting off his arms and legs; Julius and Chris were freed while Ikus screamed impotently as he fell to the floor.

"Fossil!" Chris spat, grabbing the Sword of Spirits off the ground. "Let's see how you like this!"

He impaled the limbless torso to the floor, only for the severed arms to latch around his throat in an attempt to throttle him. "Chris!" Julius and Jilk rushed to his side in an attempt to save him.

"Fun fact," observed Leon. "Healing magic is super lethal to undead. Kills em dead."

Olivia ran into the fray and fastened her hands around Seberg's throat, flooding him with all the healing magic she could muster. "No! NO! NOOOOO-"

His voice was cut off as his body erupted with green light. When it was over he was gone, leaving only the three humans in a heap as the fairy crouched nearby. There was a shocked pause until all four cheered with victory, Chris retrieving the sheath of the Sword of Spirits while Julius claimed the shield.

"See?" Leon's tail wagged furiously. "Told you they could do it." He yelped in fright as Sir Onemore crashed to the ground, immediately causing everyone else to gather around him in concern. "Dude, are you okay? Were you getting drunk while I wasn't looking?"

"At last," he whispered. "My current master has died, and I am without a source of life energy to sustain me. Don't ask me how an undead produces life energy, I have no idea. My body fades, and will soon join Twin Pupils and his brides in whatever comes next."

"I'm sorry," murmured Chris, his solemnity slightly ruined by the fact that he had to wait for Leon and Olivia to catch everyone up. "You didn't deserve this. You deserved the opportunity to leave this place, to make a life of your own."

"There is still a chance." He gestured to the gem on his chest. "If you place your hand here before I expire, then you will become my new master. I can still live to see the sun, just… just…"

Leon turned to Olivia, a look of determination on his canine face. "I need you to do something for me," he said softly. "Place your hand on-"

"Not her." Onemore grabbed Leon's paw and placed it on his chest; instantly he flashed with light, morphing into a jewelled bracelet fastened firmly around the wolfdog's ankle. "Ah! Much better!"

"Gah!" Leon yelped, staggering around on three legs and trying desperately to shake him off. "What the hell?"

"Look, I realise that I don't have any genitalia, but nevertheless; I'm a man and she's a woman. Don't make this weird."

"It's already weird!"

Jilk retrieved the Axe of Ikus while Leon threatened to gnaw his leg off, and soon everyone was ready to leave. They gathered around the sleeping woman for one last look; if you ignored the gross dust layer, she could have been sleeping.

"Poor girl," murmured Olivia. She hovered her hand over Canaria's face, gently dousing her in healing magic until she tired herself out. Finally she pulled her hand back, flexing her fingers ruefully. "Worth a try."

"Nothing wrong with that," smiled Julius. "Can you imagine if she actually-"

They all recoiled as Canaria bolted upright, drawing a long, rattling, horrific gasp. She looked at her fingers - slimy with dust - and then at them. At a volume so loud it startled Abbot Laurent into dropping hot tea on his balls, she screamed.

Leon's eyes rolled back into his head as he tipped sideways, hitting the dirt in a dead faint.

Side Quest: Wid the Terrified

Summary: one of two quests that can be completed without ever leaving Iona, the original Axe of Ikus is simply lying on the floor to be picked up. In Summoner, Ikus is one of the thirteen kings entombed at the entrance to the catacombs, and never actually appears in game. The boss fought in his place is some dude called Carados, who is a big deal in Iona's lore.

In the original Summoner, Iona was the woman lying on the altar; the bones were of a giant three headed serpent who was apparently the God of the Earth. If you still haven't figured out who Canaria is, try googling her stage name: Juna Doma.

Moissa Onemore is standing in for the NPC Sir Erthgi, one of Carados' knights who joined him in undeath. He appears as Moissa Knight, the Comet General in Yugioh; I'm going to be honest, I stopped watching that show after GX, so I have no idea how any of the mechanics introduced after that season work. Moissa Onemore is here for one reason: his sweet ass design. While most of the UnFae designs will come from Contra and Monster Hunter, expect me to draw influences from many other sources. If there is an eldritch abomination from an anime, manga, video game or live action film/series that you like, let me know and maybe I'll have them fight my giant dog monster.

Unless they're from Pokemon. I am aware of Giratina's existence, but due to reasons I can't go into, I can no longer take it seriously. Please don't ask me why.

It just made sense to me that the Holfort and Bartfort families would be related. Even if you think the similar names and the fact they used to go on adventures together is a coincidence, consider the defining characteristic of the Bartfort clan: they are all brilliant but lazy, much like Julius and Roland. I defy you to prove this isn't canon.