Huan Strongarm: A Bartfort Folktale

by Vergil Creiger

In which a simple delivery to Holfort goes horribly horribly wrong.

45. The Divine Path

The artificial city below Nahul is today its greatest tourist attraction. The holographic shopkeepers are legendary, and many of the faux-ruined buildings are inhabited or used as luxury hotels. The wilderness around it even has its own ecosystem, with unique species of flora and fauna that have adapted to the synthetic sunlight.

In the north is a tribe of birdmen that have been christened the Avionis by the scientific community. Despite their ominous resemblance to vultures or crows they are highly empathetic, with a tight knit community that values family bonds and a strong investment in the well being of their children. Unfortunately (if you pardon the pun) not even they were spared the occasional bad egg.

Many years ago, during Leon's Exile in Darhan, the Avionis were ruled by a cruel despot they knew only as the Hierophant. He was a fascist, totalitarian dictator, and ruled over his people with cruelty and fear. He famously burned down his people's biggest hatchery when a parent questioned one of his decisions; countless children were killed, both hatched and unhatched. Apparently he was one of countless demigods who menaced the region before Leon came along.

Hilariously, he also turned out to be a very short Avionis sitting on the shoulders of a second, much larger Avionis wearing a trenchcoat. This was discovered when he was killed by a trio of intrepid heroes who wandered into town one day.

The first was Leon, because there can only be so many invincible black dogs wandering around at once. The second, given what we now know about Canaria Monastery, could have only been Sir Moissa Onemore.

As for the third, well…

Huan Strongarm: A Bartfort Folktale, by Lufas Maphaahl

Leon shook his fur, sneezing the pollen from his nose.

The northern wilderness had at one point been part of the underground city; ruins surrounded them on all sides, looking many times more decayed than now that it had actual plant life eating away at it. The ground was covered in blue-green grass that felt soft and comfortable against Leon's pads, and trees with twisted trunks lit the way with softly glowing flowers nestled amidst dark blue leaves.

"Why are there no monsters?" Moz asked nervously. "Aren't we in a dungeon?"

"More like a ruin," grunted Leon. "Full to the brim with Lost Items. Chances are the only things trying to kill us are the Arcana."

His helmet swivelled toward him curiously. "Arcana?"

"You know, like the guy said. Fool, Magician, Priestess and so on until you get to the World at the end."

"That… That is a deep hole," said Itadori squeamishly. "I hope none of us fall in." The chasm that surrounded the wilderness had spiderwebbed into the area, creating deep fissures that they were in constant danger of falling into. "Are you guys… Are you guys doing okay? We can stop for a rest. I don't mind."

"He's chattering," observed Onemore. "When someone chatters like this it's generally a good sign that it's their first adventure."

"So comfort him," said Leon flatly. "Make it stop!"

Keenly aware that Itadori couldn't hear a word he said, Moz settled for an encouraging clap on the shoulder. The cook looked at him in surprise before breaking out in a grin and returning the gesture. "Thanks, dude. I needed that."

The trees gave way to a deep gorge containing a large lake, its waters reflecting the glowing flowers. "Look at that," pointed Moz. "Graves."

Six graves had been dug below one of the gorges' trees; the first had a pair of tomahawks for a headstone, their heads impaled in the ground in a way that allowed their shafts to make a cross. The second grave was marked by a gurkha knife, the third by a naginata, the fourth by a dao sword, the fifth by gauntlets planted fist first in the dirt and the last by a coiled morning star.

"Previous challengers," muttered Leon. "This place has a pretty high turnover DO NOT DRINK THAT!"

The wolfdog snarled and pushed Itadori away before he could drink from the lake. "Gah! What the hell!" The Fool and Magician's Red glared as the cook barely kept from falling over. "Why the hell did he do that?"

Moz summoned his sword and shield, adopting a battle ready posture as he faced the lake. As Leon grew to immense size and it became clear that there was danger in the water, Itadori readied his Stands cautiously.

Leon's ears flicked forward. "There's something in the water. Something big. I heard it move."

The reflections of the glowing flowers made it difficult to see below the water's surface. They remained battle ready for a long, tense moment.

Without warning, eight massive tentacles erupted from the water; Leon yelped as they fastened around his body in an attempt to drag him in, inadvertently dragging their main body above the surface. The octopus was a quivering mass of wrinkled blue flesh, with tiny yellow eyes and a terrifying sideways mouth bristling with endless teeth.

"Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata!" Leon scrabbled for purchase but the wet mud gave way beneath his feet; with a shrill, victorious screech the octopus dragged him into the lake, where it entangled him with its tentacles and began crushing him to death as he splashed, struggled and yelped.

"Fools!" The new voice was deep, authoritative and female. "You have fallen right into my trap!"

Set into the hill was a massive staircase carved from white stone; on the steps stood a woman wearing red armour consisting of a revealing breastplate, a skirt, boots and gauntlets, with a demonic mask complete with fangs and horns covering her face. She had a mane of white hair, ashen gray skin and horned skull necklace that matched her mask. In her hand was a bizarre, double ended sword, the blades curved for extra cruelty.

"I am the High Priestess," she proclaimed. "Make peace with your feeble gods, AND DESPAIR!"

Her shadow extended from the base of the stairs, rising from the ground much like the Shadow Magician from earlier; the new creature was female and humanoid, her right half black and her left white. The letters B and J were tattooed on her breasts, and she wore a bizarre pink opera mask over her eyes. Her hair stretched out like monochrome scrolls to bind the surroundings; their length was covered in odd runes, while two ringlets hung from her cheeks. A white skirt hung from her waist, fastened by a gold medallion.

The Shadow Priestess blew a kiss, causing the entire lake to instantly freeze solid; Leon was trapped beneath the ice, locked in an eternal struggle with the hideous octopus.

"Red!" Itadori shouted, causing the bird-headed Stand to fling a rain of fire at the ice: it did nothing, the ice far too cold for the fire to melt. "Dammit! Maybe… Maybe if we attack it directly-"

The Shadow Priestess blew another kiss, summoning two strange creatures like living cloaks; each wore masks that matched that of their creator, and each wore huge, impractical crowns.

"Distract them!" The Fool and Magician's Red each attacked one of the mooks, allowing the Comet General to attack the Shadow; she used the hair-scrolls as whips, smacking him away before he could get close. "Woah! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," grunted Moz. He gestured to his shield in a desperate bid to circumvent the language barrier. "Here, I'll give you a boost."

It took a moment before he got it. "What are you… Oh. Oh!" Itadori ran at him and used the shield as a launchpad; the Shadow Priestess shrieked as the knight launched him over her head, surprising the hell out of the masked woman. "No escaping now!"

The immobile Shadow Priestess began furiously whipping her hair scrolls back and forth, only for Sir Onemore to cut them apart. "You're not going anywhere."

While Moz kept her busy, Itadori began fighting her boss: she created red and blue magic circles over her hands, firing a barrage of skulls made of fire and ice that he countered with flames from Magician's Red. As she closed the distance she switched to her double bladed sword, placing Itadori on the back foot as he frantically dodged her swings.

They began moving at incredible speeds as the battle entered close quarters: the High Priestess could use a green magic circle for sudden, intense bursts of speed, but Itadori's superior reflexes allowed him to close the gap. Soon his punches and kicks were making it around her guard, while her odd weapon hadn't made a scratch.

"Fool! Your resistance is futile!" She somersaulted through the air and dropped three orbs of shimmering blue light; they exploded into massive ice pillars as they hit the ground, forcing him back and buying time for her to cast her next spell. "You are not the only warrior here with allies!"

A green magic circle appeared over her right hand, sucking ina torrent of green spirits from the air; the High Priestess cackled as the spirits were cast into the earth, emerging as towering skeletons with clawed fingers and horned, goatish skulls.

"Kill him, my children!"

Itadori didn't even need to touch them, his Stands fending off the mooks with ease. "Did you really think this would work?"

"No," she admitted. "But it did buy time for me to eliminate your weakest link." Itadori screamed in panic, but the skeletons kept him from interfering as she lunged for the distracted knight. "Die, mortal!"

The blade bounced uselessly off his armour; her jaw gaped as Moz shot her an annoyed look, blocking a barrage of ice from the Shadow Priestess with his shield. "D'you mind? I'm kinda busy here!"

Leon chose this moment to explode from the frozen lake, the shrieking octopus still wrapped around him in a death grip. Entirely by accident, some of the Shadow's ice attack hit him in the eye. "Gah! You bitch!"

Leon barked, the sonic blast hitting the Shadow Priestess head on; she screamed in pain as her body was shattered, her surviving mooks dying along with her. As her body dissolved they got their first look at the Meta-Beings of the Priestess: they came in the form of twin figures in green cloaks, tied by warning tape to each other and to pairs of twisted pillars.

The countless twins swarmed towards the Comet General and awkwardly tried using the pillars as clubs, only for Little Silly to charge into their midst and giddily devour them. Leon ignored all of this, focusing instead on his awkward attempts to bite the octopus monster off his back. "Get… the… fuck… off…"

Moz seized the opportunity and swung for the masked woman's neck, but she deflected the blow with ease before dashing away. "She's headed your way! Cut her off!"

"Not so fast!" Itadori shouted, leaping down to cut off her escape. "You're not getting past-"

She cut him in half with ease, her double bladed sword bifurcating him at the waist. "Fool! Did you really think… wait…" Instead of blood, Itadori's wounds gushed sand; his body disintegrated and reformed into the Fool. "A decoy? Then where-"

The real Itadori kicked her in the back, catching her completely off guard. "Magician's Red!" The bird headed Stand incinerated her before she could defend herself; the High Priestess screamed in agony as she died, her flaming corpse erupting into a swarm of Meta-Beings. "Gah! Mother-"

Even with both Strands working together, Itadori was totally incapable of harming the bizarre creatures; Moz grabbed him from behind and used his own body to protect him, buying time for the Type: Null to start eating them. "That's two down," the knight observed. "Now if only the boss could get his act together."

The enormous wolfdog was yipping with annoyance, the octopus clinging stubbornly beyond the reach of his jaws. "Why the hell is this giving me deja vu?"

"Probably because of that Murkbeast from the Gehemene Marshes," observed Sir Onemore. "Do you remember what you did then?"

"What I… Oh yeah!" Leon dropped and rolled, squishing the monster like a zit and unleashing a final rabble of Meta-Beings. Itadori dropped onto his ass tiredly as Silly chased them down.

"Finally," he sighed. "That lady was a tough one!"

Leon gave him a concerned look; he was keenly aware of how the Itadori from Jujutsu Kaisen had reacted to his first homicide. "Hey…"

His train of thought was derailed as the infant Elder Dragon started glowing, finally spawning a fresh Stand: she was about the size of a cat, with shimmering skin made of liquid metal. She had an ugly, grimacing face with purple lips, red markings on her cheeks and pink eyes with sideways pupils. Her mane of brown hair covered everything except her face and arms, which hung limply as she floated in place.

"Step back!" Itadori grinned. "There's a new High Priestess in town!" He blinked. "Is there an echo in here?" It took him a few moments to realise that his voice was being broadcasted from the Stand's mouth, then took him a few more before he could make it stop. "Guy! We could use this to communicate if we split up!"

"He wants to use it as a phone," said Leon flatly. "The final boss keeping the Crusaders from entering Egypt, and he wants to use it as a phone."

"It's like he's forgotten that he can't understand us," observed Onemore. "Should we intervene?"

"How?"

"Well-"

"Greetings, challengers!" Leon would never find out what Moz had planned; the newcomer had appeared on the staircase in the exact spot where the High Priestess had first shown up. He wore a long purple robe with baggy sleeves, the shoulders padded with heavy gold ornamentation. The creature's face was beaked and avian, with thick black feathers and a white, papal looking hat. In his hand was a massive, heavy looking staff that radiated magical energy. "I am the High Hierophant, Master of the North!"

The group was instantly on their guard. "Hierophant?" Leon repeated. "Shouldn't we have fought the Empress and Emperor first?"

Hundreds of birdmen began flapping overhead, their pitch black feathers evocative of crows or vultures. They began to gather around them in a great circle, screaming like maniacs as the Hierophant pontificated.

"As the Hierophant my Number is 5," he was saying. "As you have only progressed to Level 3, I cannot yet face you in battle. This saddens me greatly." The birdmen began booing noisily. "As such, to insure that our clash is expedited, I have brought you a most wondrous gift!" He lifted his staff ominously above his head. "You shall face Level 3 and Level 4… simultaneously!"

As his staff slammed into the ground, huge walls of white stone erupted from the ground and separated the group into three arenas: Itadori was in one with his Stands, Moz was in the second with Little Silly and Leon was in the last by himself. The wolfdog huffed as two monstrous shapes appeared to fight him.

"Called it."

The larger of the two was only slightly bigger than a human, and was holding a ludicrous double ended chainsaw. Its huge, muscular body was covered with armour plating, the exposed flesh consisting of pulsating blue muscle. Its steel mask was featureless save for two small holes, exposing its glowing red eyes.

The second creature was the size of a normal human, and composed of translucent blue fluid that mimicked the shape of the White Magician that Leon had killed a short while earlier. Its only biological feature was its organic heart, which pulsated eerily.

Also like the Magician, it sounded like Metal Sonic. "I am… I am… the one who rules over nature… I shall destroy… and hate mankind… I am… the Emperor."

Which meant Chainsaw Man was actually the Empress. Good to know.

Of the two opponents, the Liquid Emperor was the primary threat by far: he could split off his liquid flesh into projectiles, reform his limbs into swords, duplicate himself and even dissipate and reform to escape the wolfdog's fangs. Because he wasn't an idiot, Leon went after the heart; every time he got close the Chainsaw Empress would interfere, driving him off and then ducking away before he could do anything else.

This worked exactly once before Leon caught her, shredding her with ease. "Man that was annoying!"

Her body disintegrated into Meta-Beings that resembled tiny yellow statues of obese women, their faces covered by face masks connected to breathing tubes that disappeared into their cleavage. The smaller ones began emitting toxic gas while the larger ones swelled up and charged him, but the size difference meant both attacks did basically nothing.

With the weaker enemy dealt with, he was finally able to get his jaws around the Liquid Emperor's heart; his teeth passed through it as though it wasn't there, reminding Leon acutely of the Bubblebuddies spawned by the Fools. He sighed quietly.

"That's just my entire week, isn't it?" He raised his voice so the other two could hear him. "My Emperor is invincible! I'm not sure, but I think we need to kill all the Empresses before we can hurt them!"

All Itadori heard was mouthy Husky noises. "He is so damn cute."

Moz, however, understood perfectly. "So the women die first. If I had any concept of gender I'd call that sexist."

The Comet General's Emperor towered above him, decked in bronze armour from head to toe. He was covered all over in goofy yellow stars - including one that covered his face and left no obvious way for him to see - and a tiny, ridiculous crown sat atop his head. His right hand was a spiked mace, while his left hand was a glowing Tesla Coil.

The Empress was slightly smaller than Moz himself and resembled a classical succubus, fluttering overhead on batlike wings. Her voluptuous body was clad in a chainmail bikini, while her skin was ice blue. Her hair was short and dark red, while her eyes glowed the same colour.

This glow was actually an indication of her Charm magic; Sir Onemore knew this because she had already tried and failed to enchant him with it. Sometimes having no genitals paid off like that. "Accursed eunuch!" The succubus was almost spitting with hate. "Die you dickless bastard!"

The Ice Empress bombarded him with ice magic while the Lightning Emperor did the same with lightning, but Moissa Onemore tanked it all; again, moissanite was a very hard substance. "Since I met my new Master I haven't done much fighting," he told them conversationally. "That means no one really knows what my powers are. You'd think they involved comets, but no: I actually have powers over gems." His shield disappeared as he raised his hand, his eyes and the gem on his chest glowing blue. "And that's a mighty fine necklace you're wearing."

The Ice Empress had a gold chain around her neck that kept a gorgeous ruby dangling between her breasts; it glowed red, dragging her out of the sky to crash face first into the ground. "Grargh!" She squawked and flailed her arms, managing to tear the jewellery off before he could behead her. "How dare you! Do you have any idea of what I had to do to kill the woman who owned that?"

The shield reappeared in Onemore's hand, the gem in the centre beginning to glow blue. "Imbue." The ruby disintegrated into red light as it was absorbed by the shield, which briefly glowed red; the light flashed through the gems on his pauldrons as it travelled to his sword, which ignited into enchanted flames. "Open wide."

She shrieked and backpedalled, but Moz was pressing his advantage to keep her from escaping into the air. The Lightning Emperor tried to save her but he simply ignored him, the lightning bolts exploding uselessly against his indestructible armour. At first he had worried about the infant Elder Dragon trapped in the arena with him, but Little Silly had danced away not long after the fighting started and was currently chasing a butterfly.

With a final, desperate attack, the Empress conjured a pillar of white light: Moz was frozen in an enormous icy pillar, his flaming sword winking out pathetically. "Pathetic weakling!" Her voice had a shrill note; despite her arrogance, she was clearly panicking at how close Moz had come to killing her. "My ice is stronger than steel! It is more beautiful than any gem! My power is-"

It was at this point that the Comet General tuned her out. One of the upsides of not having internal organs was that being frozen solid was an inconvenience at best. "Huh," he thought to himself. "This does kind of look like a gem."

The ice shone a beautiful shade of blue in the artificial sunlight. As the Ice Empress droned on and the Lightning Emperor politely listened, Onemore's shield began to glow.

"Imbue."

He was abruptly freed as the entire icy pillar was absorbed into his shield, his sword erupting with magical cold. The Ice Empress stared in utter disbelief. "How?"

"I'm Moissa Fucking Onemore. That's how."

They exploded into an intense close quarters duel, flinging ice magic at one another at incredible speeds. Although both fighters were totally immune to the cold's effects, the stalemate tipped in her favour as Moz ran out of juice. With a final roar he lunged into the blizzard, running her through with his sword.

The Ice Empress coughed up a mouthful of blood onto his armour. "You wretch," she coughed. "Did you think a mere blade could kill me?"

"Nope," he admitted cheerfully. "Good thing this sword can double as a lightning rod!"

He used her body as a shield as the Emperor raised his hand; a bolt of lightning erupted from the Tesla Coil at his wrist, striking the blade poking her back. The Empress screamed as electricity was conducted directly into her body, her bones visible through her skin for a split second before she exploded into Meta-Beings.

The Type: Null frolicked over to guzzle them up, while Moz casually saved his life by blocking a second blast with his shield. "I get it," he murmured. "Emperor. As in EMP. You're funny."

The two warriors lunged, beginning a no holds barred slugfest; Sir Onemore's attacks phased through his opponent so long as the final Empress still lived, while the Emperor was completely incapable of penetrating his armour.

Leon and Moz were both trapped in stalemates. They were effectively trapped until the last Empress was defeated. It was all down to Itadori.

The cook cried out as he barely dodged, the ground where he was just standing exploding into rubble. The Fool dragged him away from the mayhem, allowing him to take a breather from his opponents.

Both of them were like living shadows, and were fighting shoulder to shoulder. The shorter one was extremely fat and distinctly female, with a wand, a white cloak, a tall white collar and a long, skinny neck ending in a flamboyant white mask. The taller one was male, with short legs but a long torso and arms. A red cross was sprayed across its chest, it had a short red cape and an immense claymore rested in its hand, its purple mask possessing a fan of spikes like a crown.

"Crap!" Itadori flung himself away as the Shadow Empress attacked, her gut opening like double doors to unleash a burst of magical wind; he was blown halfway across the arena, the Fool using itself as a cushion to keep him from splattering across the wall.

The cook had spent most of the fight on the back foot, as both Shadows seemed totally immune to his Stands; the Fool collapsed into sand every time it touched them, while the flames of Magician's Red had about as much effect as a bucket of water. Itadori hadn't tried out the High Priestess yet, as he had forgotten about her in the heat of battle.

"Magic doesn't work," he muttered. "New strategy it is then!" He ducked under the Shadow Emperor's sword as it swung for his head, punching the Empress in the gut; to his surprise the blow was super effective, sending her bouncing across the arena like a football. "Booyah!"

Having found her weakness, Itadori began to bombard her with physical attacks; eventually the Emperor forced him back, buying time for her to cast a spell. The Shadow Empress waved her wand, causing about a dozen magical symbols that glowed in different colours to appear before her in a circle. They spun slowly, then faded away.

It was only when Itadori punched her that he realised what she had done; her weakness to physical attacks had vanished, leaving him once more without a means of defending himself.

Over his time trapped with Kwanchi and the other Kombatants, Itadori had received much training in magic; he could never actually get a spell to work - which was why he had been so thrilled to receive the Stands - but his theoretical knowledge was through the roof. His mind began to whir as he analysed the spell.

All spells whose effects weren't immediately identifiable had visual cues that indicate their effects.

The spell had manifested as a circle of runes before the caster.

Hypothesis: a barrier?

Negative: the Shadow Empress had possessed similar powers from the start.

The runes had spun before disappearing.

Hypothesis One: the effect was cosmetic.

Hypothesis Two: the effect could indicate a roulette, indicating the effects were random.

Hypothesis Three: the effect could indicate a barrel of revolver, allowing each rune to be a different spell.

Fact: the spell was defensive.

Additional Fact: the Shadow Empress had initially been invulnerable to specific attacks.

Conclusion: the true nature of the spell was not to choose a power, but to choose a weakness. Formerly she had been weak to punches, so… strike attacks?

"Let's see how piercing attacks work," muttered Itadori. "Fool!"

The Stand barked, firing bullets of sand like a living machine gun; the Empress cried out in pain as they tore her apart, frantically casting the spell a second time as the Shadow Emperor crushed the Fool beneath his sword. Once again, her weakness was unknown.

Piercing? Negative.

Strike? Unlikely.

Hypothesis: she had chosen a weakness to a type of attack he had not yet used.

Example: slash attacks.

Itadori turned to the High Priestess as she appeared at his shoulder. "Can you make me a sword?" The Stand dove into the ground, melding with minerals beneath his feet and reforming into a smooth, sharp sword.

The Shadow Empress popped like a balloon as he stabbed her in the gut, spewing Meta-Beings in all directions. Instantly, all three Emperors became vulnerable to attack.

With a roar of fury, the Shadow Emperor charged with his blade held high. "Red!" Itadori's second Stand blasted him with a gout of flame, causing the giant to cry out in pain. "Fire! He's weak to fire!"

Not wanting the Emperor to switch weaknesses like his ally, Itadori ordered the Fool to trap him in a dome of sand; Magician's Red ignited the air inside, incinerating the Emperor like a small scale oxygen bomb. The Shadow roared as he disintegrated, revealing the Meta-Beings of the Emperors for the first time.

They had four legs that stuck out to the sides like an ant, their feet hoofed like a horse. Exposed spines rose into eyeless heads with crowns and necklaces evocative of ancient Egyptian artefacts, while their muscular, pasty white arms ended in monstrous claws.

Itadori yelped as they began lunging at him with unsettling speed, some of them leaping through the air or spitting foul black mucus into his eyes. The walls of the arena tumbled down, allowing him to see how his two companions were doing against the surviving Emperors.

He barely registered Little Silly as ran into the mob of Meta-Beings, devouring them with glee.

Moz was still throwing down with the Lightning Emperor; Itadori almost tried to help him, but the sight of the knight in shining armour going toe-to-toe with a giant of thunder was so ridiculously cool that he couldn't bear to interrupt.

Leon was chasing around the Liquid Emperor, becoming increasingly frustrated with his wiley opponent. "Stand still and let me kill you!" The wolfdog barked angrily, temporarily disrupting the Emperor's structural integrity.

Itadori noticed something that Leon didn't know to look for. "Metal," he breathed. "It's made of liquid metal! High Priestess! Get him!"

The ugly Stand tackled the Emperor and fused with his mass, causing him to cry out with rage. "What the-"

She crushed his heart with his own body, causing it to burst into angry Meta-Beings. Leon blinked mildly. "Huh. High Priestess. I guess there's a reason why she was a final boss in her own right." He nodded at the Lightning Emperor, who had yet to make a dent in Sir Onemore's armour. "See if you can kill that thing with its own armour."

Itadori couldn't understand him, but he figured it out anyway from the nod. The High Priestess merged with the final Emperor's armour, crushing him to death with ease. "Thanks," said Moz, allowing his sword and shield to disappear. None of the group were out of breath. "That's a useful one."

They looked to the long stairs, at the top of which the High Hierophant waited. "Let's get this motherfucker," growled Leon.

They ran up the stairs at full speed, leaving Silly to chase the remaining Meta-Beings. He was ignoring the quadrupeds in favour of the hopping statues, as he was presumably bound by the same rules that forced the trio to kill the Arcana in numerical order.

They found the Hierophant standing on a ledge, a large iron maiden beneath him. He had brought them to a colosseum filled with spectators, the watching birdmen cawing for blood. "Huh," blinked Itadori. "Locals."

"At last you have made it," the Hierophant proclaimed grandly. "To Level 5!" The crowd went wild. "Know, challengers, that I guard the first of four nodes that unlock your path to freedom! Your wish is within your grasp! All you need do is defeat me…" The High Hierophant trailed off into a chuckle, which was echoed by his avian audience. A spectral purple skull appeared over his palm, floating down to the iron maiden. "Well, not just me."

The iron maiden exploded open, revealing the second Hierophant; he wore elaborate green robes with a pointed cowl that concealed his face, a rusty red girdle fastened about his waist with a buckle like a horned skull. He had ornate gold bracers around his wrists, and in his hand was a gold staff with a purple orb at his tip.

"Huh," blinked Leon. "Either he's an undead or he was straight up hiding in there. Thoughts?"

"Definitely hiding," nodded Moz. "If he was a zombie you would have smelled it as soon as he popped out."

"You're so right."

The Cowled Hierophant slammed his staff into the ground; two streams emanated from the base, one of shadows and the other of ordinary water. Two new figures rose from the contrasting pools.

The Water Hierophant looked like a kappa, with slimy green skin and webbed hands and feet. A fin ran over its head and down its back to end at a short tail, while its face was pale and sickly with a hissing mouth full of sharp teeth. In its hand was a trident with prongs made of emerald, and its ribs opened and closed like a mouth to expose its beating heart.

The Shadow Hierophant looked like an obese man in red and gold clerical clothing with extremely short arms and legs, his face covered by a blue mask. He was sitting in a throne with four black boots for legs; the high white back was shaped like a voluptuous woman with a twisted gold symbol for a head, her long fingers caressing the main body from behind. Two helpers stood before the throne; they were shaped like Japanese paper dolls, each with a crest on their chest. The crest on the left doll was red, while the right was blue.

"Four?" Sir Onemore groaned. "Four Hierophants? Wasn't there a rule that there had to be only three?"

"They're guarding the node," the wolfdog pointed out. "Maybe that gives them privileges."

The living throne seemed to laugh like a haughty noblewoman, and for a split second they saw a creepy vision of barren hill; graves and hanging trees lurked in a sea of grey fog, disappearing as Leon shook his fur in agitation.

Moz and Itadori weren't so lucky: as they lacked the God Hound's enhanced soul, they were left vulnerable to the mental attack. Both of them were overcome by a choking tide of fear, falling to their knees as they began to gasp with panic. Without their master's willpower to sustain them, the Stands began to fade helplessly out of existence.

"Oh for crying out…" Leon lunged at the Shadow, but the Water Hierophant was too quick for him: it plunged its trident into the ground and soaked it with water, turning the ground beneath his feet into a thick swamp. The wolfdog yelped as his huge paws sank into the mud. "Gah! What the-"

The fat man half of the Shadow Hierophant pointed imperiously, a bolt of lightning erupting from his finger and hitting him dead on; Leon screamed in pain as the electricity was conducted through the water, causing him unbelievable agony.

The attack travelled across the wet ground, zapping his two companions: while Moz barely felt it, Itadori was immediately snapped out of his funk by the pain. His Stands flashed back into existence as his brain rebooted.

His bloodshot eyes fixed on the Shadow Hierophant, his fried brain already identifying the threat. "Get him!"

The kappa unleashed a blast of water from its trident, soaking dousing Red's flames and soaking the Fool's sand to the point of uselessness. "Asshole!" Leon barked, the sonic blast obliterating the Water Hierophant and dissolving it into a flock of Meta-Beings.

They were like large stone spinning tops with crude faces on one side, floating snake-like arms resembling the grappling hooks from claw machines floating at their sides. They began firing spears of ice at the wolfdog, which he ignored. Instead he threw himself in front of Moz and Itadori, shielding them as the Cowled Hierophant began blasting them with purple flames.

Still affected by the Shadow's mental attack, the cook began to hyperventilate as his nostrils filled with the stench of Leon's burning flesh. It was at this moment that the Type: Null devoured the last hopping statue Meta-Beings, pausing in his feast to produce a new Stand. It shot out of Little Silly's back like a missile flying through the air to land with pinpoint precision on the Cowled Hierophant's arm.

The new Stand looked like a large tumour, having torn a hole in the Hierophant's robe to attach itself to the vulnerable flesh beneath. "What in the name of…" He tried frantically to tear it off with his free hand, but a leering face appeared on the fleshy growth and bit off his fingers.

Itadori stared as the Cowled Hierophant howled, blood spraying from the stumps on his left hand. "Empress?"

The Empress took advantage of her chosen limb, forcing the Cowled Hierophant to point his staff at the Shadow; a blast of purple flame hit it at point blank range, disintegrating it into Meta-Beings and instantly ending the mental attack.

"Whuh?" At last, Sir Onemore had regained his senses. "What… just…"

Itadori ordered the Fool and Magician's Red to attack, but the Cowled Hierophant fended them off with a blast of purple fire. The Empress cackled, valiantly trying to choke him out with his own hand. "Not… yet…"

He cast a last spell with his ruined left hand, summoning a swarm of disgusting creatures like sapient spinal columns with clawed legs and red eyeballs for faces that flew at them in a chittering cloud.

"Back off!" Leon barked, causing the creatures to explode messily in midair. This apparently, was the final straw: it was time for the High Hierophant to join the fight.

"Get away from him!" The birdman squawked as he jumped down from the ledge, slamming his staff into the ground and causing a wall of pink crystals to erupt from the wet earth; although Leon had almost freed himself, this bought him a precious few moments to try and free his subordinate. "Hold still! If we just cut out the tumour-"

The crystal wall vanished as Moz absorbed it into his shield; he lunged at the Hierophants as his sword glowed with pink light, becoming a spear of light that skewered the Cowled Hierophant through the chest. He dissolved into Meta-Beings, the Empress cackling as she hopped onto the High Hierophant's shoulder.

"No! NO! HOW DARE YOU!" The High Hierophant blasted the knight away with an inferno of pink energy from his staff, flying into the air just as Leon rushed at him; the birdman squawked in terror as the wolfdog's massive jaws snapped shut beneath him. "ACCURSED MONGREL!"

He summoned a muzzle of pink crystal around Leon's snout, preventing him from barking and neutering his only ranged attack. Moz blocked with his shield as he began a sustained barrage of energy blasts, desperately trying to kill Itadori before the Empress could take over his body.

Without warning, a shiny revolver spun into existence in the cook's hand; for a moment he stared at it dumbly before realising it was a Stand, presumably generated after Little Silly committed genocide on another subspecies of Meta-Being. Just as he did with the Empress, he named it after the Arcana that died to create it.

"Emperor."

He ducked out behind Onemore's shield and opened fire on the Hierophant, the bullets curving through the air to reach their target; although he hit the birdman square between the eyes, he realised too late that he had killed the wrong enemy.

The birdman they had presumed was the High Hierophant fell to the ground dead, but didn't show any signs of dissolving into Meta-Beings like his cohorts. The tiny birdman had been sitting on the shoulders of a second, much larger creature, who they realised too late was the real High Hierophant; the headless body howled in rage as it brought its full fury down on the cook, barraging him with spells as it swooped down out of the air.

Then Leon was there, biting it anticlimactically out of the sky and shredding it between his jaws. For a split second, Itadori began to relax.

Then a spear of ice exploded against Sir Onemore's shield: without the Type: Null there to manage them the Meta-Beings had become an infestation, and it was all they could do to hunker behind their defenses under the assault. "Hold on!" Leon shouted. "I can hear the little dude! He's come up the stairs!"

With a cheerful noise, the infant Elder Dragon bounded into the battlefield and gorged himself on the Meta-Beings; the other three groaned and slumped to the floor tiredly. "Why are you groaning?" Moz wondered. "I thought you didn't get tired."

"I don't," grunted Leon. "Those guys were just… Urgh."

"Agreed. Urgh."

There was a short staircase at the back of the room; they left Little Silly to his meal and followed them upward, arriving at a snowy mountain peak. The only thing in sight was a square altar, which Itadori ran his hand across curiously. "Is this it? What… What are we even supposed to…"

He yelped and backed off as the altar jerked into motion, rising up into a pillar. The trio stared at it uncertainly.

"That must be the first node…" said Itadori uncertainly. "I guess… I guess that means we're done here!" He grinned, spinning the Emperor experimentally on the end of his finger; the Fool, the High Priestess and Magician's Red circled him slowly overhead, while the Empress had vanished to parts unknown. "Great! Where do you guys wanna go next? Personally… I'm thinking… east…"

The Stands winked out of existence as Itadori collapsed. "Whoa! Are you okay? Moz, we need to… Moz?"

The Comet General had also fallen to the ground, leaving Leon the only one still conscious. It didn't take long for him to sniff out the culprit.

A huge, gelatinous creature was floating overhead; it was shaped like a giant pink Valentine's heart, with dripping, gooey wings that flapped slowly as it hovered in place. It was wearing thin strips of gold armour and had large Male and Female symbols floating in its chest, while on its comically small head was a miserable red mask.

Level 6: the Lovers.

Leon stared it down murderously. "Okay asshole, you better have some seriously sick dodging skills or else-"

Without warning an enormous spider lunged at him from behind, grasping him in its forelegs and sinking its fangs into his flank. Leon howled as its potent venom flooded his veins.

Boss: Priestesses, Empresses, Emperors and Hierophants

Summary: the Priestess represents the number 2, the Empress is 3, the Emperor is 4 and the Hierophant is 5. That's a lot, so let's take this Arcana by Arcana.

Priestess: the octopus is the second boss of House of the Dead Scarlet Dawn, the High Priestess is the fourth boss from Dire Vengeance and the Shadow Priestess is the first actual boss of Persona 3. The Meta-Beings are called Johanna Kyon, and the High Priestess is the Stand of Midler.

Empress and Emperor: Leon fights the Empress from House of the Dead 4 and Emperor from House of the Dead 2, where he is actually the final boss. Moz fights the Emperor and Empress from Dire Vengeance while Itadori fights the Emperor and Empress Shadows from Persona 3; they are fought together as the second boss of the game, which is why there were doubles matches in this part of the chapter.

The Empress Meta-Beings are called Bullger, while the Emperor Meta-Beings are called Aries. Empress is the Stand of Nena, while Emperor is the Stand of Hol Horse.

Hierophant: the High Hierophant is from Hyper Light Drifter, while secondary Hierophant is from Dire Vengeance. The Shadow Hierophant is the third boss of Persona 3, while the Kappa Hierophant is the second boss of House of the Dead 2. The Meta-Beings are called Festum, while the Stand… didn't appear. Huh.

Side Note: the bodies found at the start are more Mortal Kombat characters: Nightwolf was introduced in the third game, Kai was introduced in the fourth and Hotaru, Dairou, Darrius and Havik were introduced in Deception.

Sorry this chapter took a while to come out. My Mum had to go into surgery, then had to go back in again when it left a blood clot in her lung. She's doing okay now, so hopefully the next one won't take so long.