Lucious of The Vanquishers
There were dozens of things that Lucious hated about the Outer Rim. The Sons of Calydon for one, and their stupid bitch of a leader- and she was Overlord now? What a fucking joke. For two: his old boss, Pompey. He was dead now, but Lucious wished he could kill him again. Finally, for three and for right now, Lucious hated that it got so fucking cold at night.
Like, what gives? Why be hot and then cold, desert? Just pick one. Fuck!
A fire in a barrel did the trick, especially when the metal got real hot- but you couldn't take a piss right next to it or you'd be stuck with the smell all night. So Lucious was forced to follow his own rule and wander away from the others into the darkness of the desert night to take a leak on some random unlucky rock or cactus. And off he went, staggering slightly from all the nitro. The heat of the fire faded immediately, and Lucious' riding leathers did little to hold the heat of his body.
Lucious stumbled onward into the darkness, the elation of a nitro high buzzing through the vein throbbing in his temple, but the chill was getting to him quickly and he cursed it. Life had really gone to shit for him lately, and for the Vanquishers, too, but those stupid motherfuckers deserved it. It wasn't Lucious' fault! It was just bad luck that he'd happened to have joined up with them. He'd thought old do-nothing Pompey was holding them all back, but as it turned out, The Vanquishers were even more a bunch of fucking losers without Pompey than with him! Go figure! Everything Lucious asked them to do, they failed!
Just today, he'd told them to raid Blazewood and grab up that hot mayor. His idea was to use her as bait to lure in the Sons of Calydon to a cave, seal 'em in, gas 'em, and then Lucious would have been Overlord. Easy. Simple.
And if those idiots hadn't gotten their asses beat by Ceasar herself.. just one single, stupid woman!... It would have worked! And right this very moment: instead of quietly drinking cheap Nitro around a trash fire in the boonies, nursing their bruises- they'd be in Cheestopia, running trains on Ceaser's crew of little bitches, and Lucious would be taking bets on how deep Bellum's giant monkey cock could get into the Overlord's asshole before she started screaming.
But NO! They fucking SUCK. And LOST! And- And-! Fuck, he had to piss, BAD!
Lucious ripped open his pants in frustration and the shadowed outline of a small cactus appeared before him in the darkness. He started pissing all over it.
Yeah! Fuck you, cactus! Drink it up, you little bitch!
Palpable relief spread upward through Lucious' body, his thoughts buzzing with the sensation of relief and the nitro and the weird cactus roots from the succulents that grew near the edges of the desert hollows...
Fuck yeah, pissing felt good. Really good. Everything felt good when he got the dose just right.
Lucious tilted his head back, the stars spinning over him in the blackness. He savored the felling of the urine leaving his body and idly wished he had hot chick to fuck tonight. But all the chicks had left the gang after Pompey died. All because one of them got raped by one of Lucious' boys. But like, so what? Why even be a chick gang member if you weren't going to fuck the boys? Like.. what?! Isn't that the whole point? What were you even doing here then, baby?
He'd asked as much of that bitch kitty thiren who had spoken up for the raped chick, Pulchra or whatever her name was- and the next morning, they'd all been gone. All the chicks! Almost half the gang! Just gone! Pulchra had stolen them all away!
So, the Vanquishers was all dudes now and there were not very many of them, either.. Fucking lame. Fucking traitorious cunts. Fuck them. Fuck Pulchra. And FUCK CEASAR! Fuck! The Vanquishers SUCK! Why had he even joined them? He should ditch these losers like the bitches had. Maybe they had the right idea.
Lucious finished pissing and zipped himself up, dribbles of urine trailing down his own pants in the darkness. He stumbled, cursed, zipped up his ballsack in the zipper, cursed again in pain, lost his balance, and reached out towards a big rock to keep himself upright. His hand hit something that wasn't stone. It felt like plastic.
A glowing green square blazed out in sudden brightness. Lucious winced back from it. Was it a headlight? He hadn't heard any fucking engines!
But the light wasn't moving and there wasn't any engine. The word 'Welcome' was scrolling across the green screen in dark black lettering. Lucious squinted, the words blurry as he swayed on his feet. A voice suddenly spoke out of the darkness- a formal and proper female voice:
"Welcome to Phoenix Tree MechWorks, your supplier of mobile weapons platforms that YOU can TRUST with YOUR life!... Your walk-in visit is important to us, please be patient as we notify our staff of your arrival!"
Lucious blinked into the blinding light, his eyes slowly growing used to it. It only seemed super bright at first because he'd been acclimated to the natural darkness, but now he saw the light for what it was: a small-ish television set that was embedded in the rock wall of a canyon. Weird.
Even weirder was the light jazz music playing from it, echoing up and around the canyon walls. Lucious stared at it silently for a moment, too shocked by this situation to fully accept that it was happening. Weird lights and weird songs in the middle of nowhere? He was too drunk for this shit. He turned to leave.
"Your walk-in visit is important to us…" said the television again. Lucious ignored it. "Please be patient as we- Kzzzzsht~!"
The tone of the voice changed. It suddenly became deeper and more masculine. As if a real human being were standing nearby in the darkness.
"Halt, ambulatory person."
Lucious halted. Not because he'd been commanded to, but because the changed voice sent a shiver through him for some reason. He spun back towards the television, his eyes hunting for an asshole that needed a beatdown.
Who the fuck dared call him, Lucious of the Vanquishers, 'ambulatory'?! Huh!? Where the fuck was he?!
"Who's there!? Come out so I can beat your ass!"
But no human stepped forward. Lucious remained alone in the Outer Rim night, alone in the faint glow of a green little screen. Was there no one? Was he just hearing things? Was it just the cactus roots..?
"I require you to do a task for me," said the glowing console. "Your capabilities are dubious, but you currently possess optimum proximal location."
"What'ya call me?" drawled Lucious, realizing the person he was looking for was talking to him through the computer. He probably should have figured that one out earlier, but…
Either way, was he now to suffer insults from televisions? The whole world was going to absolute shit. Lucious leaned forward to peer into the mutedly green screen and saw no hint of any new image or text. Did someone leave a laptop out here?
"Pursuant to the Eridu Emergency Conscription Act, you will provide aid in a matter concerning national security," said the creepy television.
"You talk funny for a television, but I ain't doing shit for you or nobody," said Lucious.
Some latent frustration and rage built up in Lucious. Why was he listening to some absurd request from a green screen in the middle of a cold night? In a place where there should only be rocks and cactus? This was a drug trip, for sure!
Lucious punched the green screen, shattering it, a brief flash of dying pixels before the world returned to the natural darkness of light. He blinked in the darkness in legitimate surprise. Until his knuckles had hit the glass screen, Lucious had half expected he was dreaming- or maybe the cactus roots he'd taken were kicking in a bit. They usually didn't cause direct hallucinations, but there was one or two types that could really send one on a fucking trip. Maybe he'd misidentified them…
Well, so what. A desert TV was broken now. Who cares? Lucious again turned back towards the distant campsite.
He stumbled again, but this time, it was honestly because the earth shook under his feet. A yawning blackness opened up before Lucious' feet. He leapt back from it, escaping the fate of the sand and soil that vanished down into the opening hole. But the frantic maneuver was too much for his addled inner-ear to handle, he fell onto his back with a grunt, and lay there helpless as a mechanical giant rose out of the ground before him.
Way back when Lucious had been a kid, he'd stolen an old VHS from the dumb kid down the road that couldn't talk but in weird grunting noises. The tape had a cool looking cover and Lucious had known that this kid in particular couldn't tattle-tale on him, so there was no reason not to take it. If he didn't, some other kid would steal it first, anyway. So Lucious grabbed the tape, and when he'd watched it that night, he'd become an instant fan of the genre: mech cartoons! People getting into human-shaped war machines and shooting each other and blowing things up! It had been cool as hell to his childish perception.
So when the battlemech rose out of the earth before Lucious, he was sure those cactus roots were dredging up his childhood for him. Was it a bad trip or a good one? He wasn't sure.
And then it shot at him with its shoulder-mounted machine gun.
Lucious yelped and curled into a ball, the mind-mist of Nitro and drugs evaporating in a surge of fresh adrenaline and fear. He'd been shot at before. It was a sound you never forgot. You never could forget. You couldn't help hearing it when you heard anything even close to being like it. And this was the real deal, he could feel it in the tone of the sound, he could sense the passage of bullets close to his body.
Lucious screamed as large caliber rounds peppered the earth all around him, kicking up sand and sending sharp shards of stone ricocheting about. If he hadn't just emptied his tank, he probably would have pissed himself. He was dead! He was so fucking dead!
But after the shooting stopped, Lucious realized he hadn't been hit. He cautiously peeked out from his arms at the mech, and while it had leveled its giant arm cannon at him, it wasn't moving or shooting.
"Per 3.C.2a of the Emergency Constription Act, your participation is mandatory, citizen!" said the creepy voice from earlier, but it was coming from the mech now, looming over Lucious in the darkness like a vengeful ebon god. "Refusal is codified as treason. Per 14.B.5f: conviction of treason in the field is immediately punished. Per 1.A.1a, the punishment for those convicted of treason is death by firing squad."
Lucious didn't understand everything the mech was saying to him, but he heard 'death' and intuitively grasped the basic premise: "All right! All right! I'll do whatever you want, fuck!"
Immediately following his agreement, the earth shook again. The darkness of the Outer Rim night was broken again, this time with a sliver of harsh fluorescent light. Lucious rolled over to look for its source and saw a square section of the canyon wall opening like a giant warehouse door.
Mesmerized by the new brightness, Lucious forgot his fear of the silent mech and climbed back to his feet. He walked towards the yawning maw of the mountainside, a moth heading to a new and intriguing flame. Behind the doorway was an enormous hollow space, obviously carved out of the natural rock by the hands of man. The floor was steel, and upon it, a long line of humanoid mechs stood in obvious states of disrepair. Some of the mechs lacked arms, some lacked a leg, still others looked like they had suffered from exterior explosions. Over and around all the broken mechs, little robotic arms were skimming around on metal rails, reaching out to touch the mechs here and there, blue sparks shooting out when they made contact.
The voice spoke to Lucious again, this time from a loudspeaker far above his head: "This facility will regain full functionality in: Seven: days. Twelve: hours. Twenty-Seven: minutes. Threat projections assert the enemy will arrive to destroy this facility within five days. You must defend this location from the enemy. Additionally, you must kill the enemy: Belle of Random Play."
Lucious blinked around at the vast warehouse, watching the little robots go around their repair work on the big robots. Wherever this guy on the intercom was, he must be rich as fuck. This place looked like something out of a mech cartoon, for sure!
"So," shouted Lucious, figuring the voice on the intercom could hear him back. "You want me to defend this place and kill someone called Belle of… of… what? Why? And what's in it for me?"
The voice was silent for a moment, only the echoes of working arc welders could be heard. Finally, it said: "Your services will be adequately compensated. The reason for the assignment is because it is your assignment."
Lucious had expected that 'not-being-killed' was to be his only form of compensation for whatever he was being asked to do, but now it sounded like he was going to get paid! Well! If that was the case, he didn't give a fuck who this Belle was! She was good as dead as soon as he figured out how to do it.
"How am I supposed to do that?" yelled Lucious. "You gonna give me one of these broken mechs or something?!"
In response, a new set of lights turned on in a corner of the warehouse that had, until now, been shrouded in darkness. A different kind of mech stood there, gleaming in the ceiling lights. This one was taller, bulkier, and looked much more manly than the other models- it even had two human-like hands at the end of its beefy arms. It looked like a boxer or a wrestler, but a giant robot version. Lucious immediately evaluated this mech as being twice as good as any of the other pieces of junk in this place. How? It just looked more fucking badass! That's how you can tell!
"That is Autonomous Tactical Unit number Three, Ehm-Kay, Two" said the ceiling voice. "Codename: Typhon Slugger."
Lucious whistled as he walked towards it.
"This model is superior to the others in every way except in one," continued the voice. "It will only operate with a human pilot."
"So you want me to drive this thing?!" said Lucious, his neck craning up at the silent titan.
"Affirmative. Pilot Typhon Slugger. Defend the facility. Kill Belle of Random Play."
Lucious grinned up at the ceiling, his eyes looking for a camera but finding none. "Yeah! All right, you got it!" He waved a thumbs-up hand sign in every direction and then turned back to the mech, smiling like a happy child on christmas morning.
Fuck the voice. Fuck the facility. Fuck Belle of whoever. Lucious couldn't give a flying fuck about any of that shit. He was going to take this mech, head on over to Blazewood where the Sons of Calydon were holed up… and fuck up their fucking universe!