Bella became a lot more interested in Rachel's home life. She often asked to work on assignments in Rachel's dorm room, which led to questions about the pictures on Rachel's wall.
At first, Rachel had thought it to be a little odd, but she soon dismissed it as Bella just trying to get to know her. The pictures were easy conversation and neither girl was a master conversationalist. They filled what would be otherwise awkward silences.
In turn, Rachel asked more about Bella too. She learned that Bella was an only child, that her mother lived in Florida, and that her boyfriend's name was Edward. The pair hadn't been dating very long, only half a year, but Bella seemed very committed to Edward. They appeared close when Rachel saw Edward after their chemistry class now and then.
Still, whenever Edward was brought up during study sessions, Rachel would glance at the single picture and hope Bella fared better in the long run.
"Who is that?" Bella followed Rachel's eyes and asked. She gave the girl credit. It had been at least four times before Bella finally asked. Still, she couldn't help the sharp breath she took as her heart skipped a beat; one she hoped Bella couldn't hear. "Um, sorry, who?"
Even though Bella had waited a few study sessions to ask, it did nothing to encourage Rachel to speak of him. Maybe playing dumb would help. Maybe Bella thought Rachel had been looking at a different picture.
"The guy." Naturally, Bella gestured to that lone picture. "He's only up there once. Not like Chloe or Madison. Is he, um, a friend of yours?"
She nodded. Her chest tightened as the muscle beneath kicked into overdrive. "Uh, yeah. Just a friend from back home." Rachel looked back down at their chemistry worksheet, mind trying to piece together how to solve the problem. Focusing was not in the cards though, not when Bella was asking those questions.
"That's cool. You guys look happy…and close." Bella eyed her, no doubt confused by Rachel's lack of response. But how could she say it? How could she tell Bella what happened? That she wasn't over it four years later and had nightmares and sought out any person who looked like him in hopes it was him. How could she tell Bella that she'd lost her mind and her heart the same day she'd lost him?
Instead, Rachel nodded again, hoping that Bella would just drop it. "Must be tired. My brain is totally not focusing on this problem." She muttered, rubbing her right eye. A small ache was beginning to form behind her eyebrows. Just exhaustion. That was all it was.
"What is his name?"
"His name was Emmett." Rachel put her pencil down and looked Bella in the eye, emphasizing the 'was' in order to get the point across.
A light blush began to coat the girl's cheeks. She was quiet for a moment, processing the conversation before she glanced down at her book. When her eyes met Rachel's again, they were hard to read. "I'm sorry, Rachel. It's hard to lose…a friend."
Rachel swallowed to open her throat back up, clearing it when that didn't work. "We were on problem ten. Um, my mind is just…let me read it again." She mumbled. After tucking her hair behind her ear, she allowed her eyes to scan the document in her lap once…twice…three times. Bella finally began talking about the problem, the girl's explanations helping Rachel to gain a sliver of understanding.
The comfortable mood never returned. Bella didn't stay to finish the assignment, each girl agreeing to meet up if they had questions instead. Rachel didn't even make it out of the woods.
She sat with Ashley and her other three friends at lunch the next day. Ashley commented on how tired Rachel looked and Rachel said something about not sleeping well. Insomnia had been the word she used. She supposed it wasn't a total lie.
It didn't matter too much because Ashley dismissed it with nothing more than a sympathetic smile.
Macy had other plans, "What'd you dream about? Sometimes they say dreams can affect your physical health, and therefore your sleep. If your teeth fall out, you might be having anxiety!"
The girl had a cheerful smile on her face, surely happy to 'help' Rachel out with things she had learned, but Rachel didn't share the same sentiment. She picked at her food, avoiding the girl's eyes. "That's interesting. I can't remember what I dreamt about though. Probably nothing."
"You probably dreamt; you just can't remember it. Most people don't actually remember their dreams." Macy continued reciting facts. Rachel wished she didn't remember her dreams.
"Doesn't everyone have trouble sleeping now and then?" Ashley asked, trying to take the heat off of Rachel, "I don't think we should jump to 'Rachel is having a panic attack about something.' One night doesn't mean anything, right?"
Macy shrugged, "Nah, usually it's patterns. Isn't it interesting though what dreams can mean?"
Rachel wished dreams were easier to change.
As she wasn't interested in analyzing her recurring dream, or maybe because she knew exactly what the dream meant, she tried to focus more on some English literature homework instead. She had five chapters to read before the beginning of next week and she was going to need some major help accomplishing the task. Not because she didn't enjoy reading or struggled; thankfully she was a fairly average reader – unlike Chloe who could read an entire book in a single night – but she didn't particularly enjoy the book she'd been tasked with.
James suggested reading summaries of the chapters online, which Rachel did enjoy the sound of. But her Professor had made it well known that she would be giving pop quizzes, and she wasn't sure how well a summary would help her. Not that daydreaming through the book was helping her much either.
Or maybe she was in a poor mood for reading.
She sighed and closed the thing, rubbing the side of her face.
"All good?" Ashley asked, eyeing Rachel.
"All good." She nodded. "I'm going to try and find some coffee or something to wake up. I got way too much homework to do and I'm never going to accomplish anything being as tired as I am." Rachel tried to play it off as a joke, even mustering a smile up for the group.
She didn't give them much of an opportunity to refute, waving as she threw her bag up on her back and walked away.
Weaving through the crowd of students in the lunchroom, her brain spun around prior conversations in her head to try and determine where she was going to go. Back to the dorms didn't feel great – she was tired of being holed up in the room. She wished she had been back in Tennessee and could escape to the woods or the mountains for a few hours. Things were always peaceful out there…well, almost always.
But that wasn't the point. She needed to push that out of her head. She needed to stop thinking about it, to stop dwelling on what happened. She needed to let it go because he wasn't coming back, he was gone, and he was never coming back. She knew that. Everyone else knew it too.
Why was it easier for everyone else? How did his own family move on better than she did? They had known him longer – knew him better – and they were just fine with his death. Well, not fine, but they were able to let it go. Every now and then, they could talk about him and joke about the things they did or the shenanigans that he got into. Rachel could barely do that. At least without feeling sad or wanting to cry.
Maybe she would never get over it. Maybe she'd never move on and she'd never date or get married or have kids or a life after him. It had been four years and she still dreamt of him. She still couldn't escape that night. Chloe was convinced she'd never be able to escape it; that she'd never have another dream again…maybe Chloe was right.
Rachel looked around at all the people and tall buildings, stopping to take in her surroundings. Stopping in hopes that her brain would take a page from her body. Though sometimes her like her brain, her surroundings were depressing. Not a chunk of woods in sight to escape from all the people, the only place Rachel could think of to truly find solace was her dorm room. That was depressing.
Maybe she should've driven to school, so she'd have a car after all.
That thought was only reinforced by the crushing pressure of her dorm room. She couldn't escape. His eyes were there on her; bright blue with the outline crinkled from his smile. His grip around her shoulders, once comforting and safe, now threatened to break the brittle bones surrounding her lungs.
Ashley found her sitting under her loft bed, staring off at the wall. Just overwhelmed by the city, Rachel told her. Just wished she could get out to some nature instead of the tall, tall buildings.
"I was going to go home to Port Angeles this weekend. Would you wanna come with? It's not super exciting, but it's smaller. And there's plenty of woods and stuff around if you just wanted to go out and take a walk or something?"
At first Rachel declined, she didn't want to impose on a family weekend. Ashley probably wanted to get away from her weird roommate, not spend more time with her. Yet, when the girl assured Rachel it was no big deal, and that it would be nice to have company on the long drive, Rachel couldn't help but follow along with the tugging in her chest.
Every moment spent with friends was another opportunity to get her life back.
The ride down to Port Angeles after classes on Friday was not as awkward as Rachel feared it would be. Ashley was good at keeping conversation flowing, easily finding new topics when one got stale. She didn't ask Rachel about home or the pictures on her wall. Instead, they talked about school, professors they liked so far, what it would be like to get out and start doing clinicals, where they wanted to live after college and what they wanted to do. Rachel just hoped she could be happy.
Ashley's parents, Mitchell and Sandra, were super nice. They welcomed Rachel into their home with open arms and made sure they had plenty of amenities for her. Her mom even went over the meal plan for the weekend to make sure Rachel would be able to eat everything. Ashley's little brothers, Carson and Rylan, teased the crap out of her and reminded Rachel so much of the family she wished she had. The family she almost had.
Rachel made it back to the McCarthy's house that night.
After a wonderful breakfast in the morning – pancakes, sausage, eggs, and bacon – Rachel excused herself to take a quick walk outside. Ashley's family had a couple acres of woods behind their house, which seemed like the perfect place for a stroll. If anyone thought it odd, they didn't say so, letting Rachel grab her hiking bag and go. She figured Ashley informed her parents on Rachel's situation. There was no other explanation for letting a strange girl go out on your property for a walk alone.
Even though she wasn't sure how she felt about Ashley's family thinking she was crazy, she went anyway and tried to make it one of the many things she pushed out of her head. Instead, she focused on the crunch of the fall leaves, the different birds chirping around her, and the crisp, hurt-your-nose-cool air. She didn't think about the days spent outside with her father chopping wood for their woodstove. She didn't think about the ghost stories Madison's older brother would tell as they camped during the summer. She didn't think about the walks and picnics she had with him.
Rachel also didn't keep track of time or the space around her. By the time she reached a large drop-off, the sun was high in the sky and the weather had warmed up a touch. Or she was hot from all the walking. She figured at that point she should head back. There was no sense making Ashley or her parents worry. Rachel did a 180 and started to walk back. If she kept the sun on her right shoulder she'd make it back to Ashley's eventually. Thankfully she had learned something about navigation from the many parties who took her out to the woods. She'd be alright.
Well, maybe.
If she didn't go insane first.
It was the snapping of limbs that caught her attention. She thought she'd find a deer or some other small animal or, God forbid, the same animal that ruined her life all those years ago. But instead of any of those, it was the official losing of her mind.
They locked eyes. It was unmistakable then. The facial structure was exactly the same. He made the same face when concerned; brows lightly furrowed, slight creases forming between them; mouth barely open, as though he wanted to say something but couldn't quite figure out what it was – such a rarity for him.
He swallowed and Rachel watched his throat bob. Then his mouth closed, and the smallest hint of a smile crossed his lips; the right side of his mouth quirking upwards just enough for her to catch it, but not enough for the typical dimple on his cheek to appear. Though even if it had, she couldn't return the look.
One step was taken towards her; Rachel just standing there watching him take it. She didn't move as he took another, or another, or when he was so close to her that she could stretch her arm out and touch him.
Instead, she just watched and waited. Waited for him to disappear. He was nothing more than a figment of her imagination. The real Emmett was gone. He had left her years ago. Left her all alone.
And yet…he hadn't?
Somehow, someway…he had to be real, because he turned when Edward appeared behind him and she could see his mouth move slightly in response. Whatever Edward said or did afterwards, didn't capture much of his attention. Rachel could tell because he glanced back at her in the next blink and resumed his painfully slow pursuit, trying to close the little distance between them.
She had made up her mind though. Whatever craziness had overcome her was not going to take hold. Without a full second's hesitation, Rachel took a slow breath, turned and walked the opposite direction. As she adjusted the strap of her hiking bag, she heard him say her name, a slightly surprised, "Rachel?"
It was soft and vulnerable and triggered the tears in her eyes instantaneously.
It wasn't enough to stop her actions.