Chapter 36

"Well, I need a place to stay temporarily until…" Wait, did he just…was he asking her to live with him permanently? His apartment was small, too small for both of them, but it would have to do for now. "You're serious, aren't you? You want to live together?"

Was this moving too fast? Hell, Vallea had moved fast with Jon the day they met when he saved her from the Red Rocks. They slept together that first night and after that, it was off to the races. Why would anything change? Why would they suddenly go slow when going fast was all they'd ever known with each other?

"Okay, I'm game." Her blithe nature had been one of the many things that attracted Jon so much. She had this carefree spirit, always willing to take a risk, always willing to dive headfirst into any kind of situation, good or bad. "I think we should talk about finding a bigger place because your apartment is really, really small for both of us. We don't have to do it right away though."

"Wait…wait…" Jon stepped away from her, shaking his head and put his hands up. If they were going to do this again, they were going to do it right. Not on the moving fast issue, but with the clean slate thing, the no more lies and shit. "Wait…"

Because…there was always that very slim chance that he could one day be found out, before the statute of limitations and he wanted her…to make her decision, to know that if she did stay with him, there would always be that sliver of a shadow over him. Or, he wanted to give her the chance to walk away, or run…if she was any kind of smart, she'd probably run. A lot of women wanted the insane, protective guy who would literally do anything for them, including kill, it was usually an entirely new ballgame when they got said guy.

"I need to tell you something first, Vallea. About that night." He sucked in a deep breath.

His whole demeanor had changed and Vallea mentally braced herself for what was coming. "I told you I don't-" Jon pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her and pulled it back, beginning to pace back and forth.

Whatever happened that night was eating him up inside and had been for a long time. No matter what came out of his mouth, Vallea would not be scared off. Love made people do crazy, insane things and changed morals, values, all of the above. Seeing he had made his mind up about telling her, she moved to sit on the bed and clasped her hands in her lap, her eyes not leaving him.

"All right, out with it, then. What do you need to tell me about that night?"

"I'm going to tell you right off the bat that I don't feel bad at all for what happened." Jon said, wanting that clear. He wanted it clear because he wanted her to completely understand just what kind of person he was. "Not a single drop of remorse, babe. Ryan was fucking killing you. You were losing weight, crying when you thought I couldn't hear…I was plucking out gray hairs from your head when you DID manage to sleep!" He was getting agitated just thinking about that.

Ryan had done a number on her, several in fact and she'd gotten into quite a few arguments with Jon over the situation. He BEGGED her to quit the agency and work for him, to be his personal assistant, but she'd been steadfast. Her stubborn nature told her she wouldn't let any man break her, but Jon had in a way she thought was impossible.

"I know, Jon." She spoke quietly, wanting to reach out for him, but touching him wasn't an option right now. "I know it was bad with Ryan and I'm sorry for…letting my stubborn pride stop me from telling him to fuck off. I should've, looking back on it now." Maybe everything would've been different had she simply told the man to go to hell. "Please calm down…"

Well, if she had told Ryan to go to hell, there would be a lot different in their lives. They never would have spent a year apart, he would have never committed a double homicide. But that was neither here nor there and he wasn't one to waste time wishing for things to be different. What was done was done and there was no changing it.

"I'm the one who killed him, Vallea." He said it so quietly, she had to strain to hear.

Vallea lost her breath, or that's what it felt like, upon hearing that confession come out of his mouth. No wonder he came up with that lie with the blonde at Madonna's Bar! He was the one who committed the murders…both of them. If he killed Ryan, he definitely killed Nick too. There was no two ways about it. What she thought had been a deal gone bad between Ryan and Nick had actually been two murders at the hands of her boyfriend. And Jon only did it because of her…because of what she was going through at the time.

"Okay…" Freaking out was not going to help matters any because the deed was done and they were dead. She licked her dry lips and didn't attempt to stand right now because her legs were jelly. "Okay. I get it now. I get the lie…that…explains a lot…" She swallowed hard, trying to find the right words to say. What the hell COULD she say?! "Doesn't change anything. I still love you and I still want to be with you. And I swear, this goes to the grave with me. And we can still go with the whole lie, just to make sure your alibi stays concrete and you don't end up as a suspect. I mean, people who cheat they get back together all the time, so it's not far-fetched and people won't think it suspicious or anything." She was talking more to herself than him, nodding as if to convince herself that was the right thing to do. "Yeah…yeah…it'll be okay…" If Vallea was any other normal levelheaded woman, she would've RUN as far and fast as she possibly could away from Jon because he was a murderer.

Again, love made people do crazy, stupid things.

"I never said anything about quitting with the lie." She was panicking and Jon did not blame her one bit. He had just disrupted her happy, naïve notion that he had been trying to STOP what was going down. Jon had gone from hero to cold-blooded killer. "You need to chill out and process." He crouched down to be eye-level with her. "Really, look at me, Vallea," He grabbed her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes. "I killed him, and Nicky." She had to get through this or else she was going to panic herself to death.

Fresh tears rushed down her cheeks as Vallea buried her face in her hands, the harsh reality of the situation crashing over her. Jon killed his friend and her old boss…for her. He had murdered two people for her. There were other ways to handle her situation, such as her walking away from Ryan. Taking the job offer Jon gave her to be his personal assistant…and she didn't. This was her fault. She drove Jon to murder…to protect her. Ryan…she understood why he killed the douchebag, but Nick…that one had her puzzled. It took her several long minutes to process this, to get it through her head what Jon did, and finally, she pulled her hands away from her face to look in his eyes again. Not a single thing changed in hers, she still loved him and wanted to be with him.

"Why did you kill your friend? Was he…in on Ryan's murder or did he threaten to turn you in or something?" There HAD to be a reason why Jon would off one of his closest friends. Her voice was shaky, but a lot calmer than before, an eerie quiet.

"Nicky was an idiot." Obviously, the man had broken his probation pretty badly. "He was also really into beating Ryan's ass after he came out of that whore's room, but when it came down to crunch time, he showed his underbelly." And that had been yellow. Vallea wasn't to blame for any of this, and if she thought as much, she was a dope utilizing the victim card for no reason. "Ryan was a scumbag, he treated the women backstage like whores, and he used you like a slave. He had it coming." Pure, plain, and simple. "He would have eventually spilled his guts." And Jon hadn't had any intention of going to prison. "This is the kind of person I am, Vallea."

"No. No you're not." Vallea would never believe that, shaking her head. "You protected me the only way you knew how. Jon, if you were a killer, you would've let me die on the Red Rocks that day. You saved my life, and that shows me you're a good person. You're right, Ryan was a scumbag and he wouldn't have stopped until he broke me completely or I wound up dead." That was the fact of the matter. Nick was collateral damage, no loose ends. It made sense why Jon would off him and set it up to be a deal gone south between the two men. "And you haven't killed since that night. I could see how much it bothered you, even though I had no idea what really happened." Until tonight. "Again, if you were an actual killer, you would've killed others and you haven't. You don't kill people that have wronged you either. You did this…because someone you love was being hurt and your friend you asked to help you would've more than likely turned you in. If this is the type of person you are, someone who is fiercely loyal and willing to kill to protect the ones he loves…" She cracked the barest hint of a smile. "There are far worse people in the world than you, Jon."

"That's not what bothered me. I don't understand why you keep trying to gloss me over, doll." Jon shook his head, a bit curious about how her mind worked. He had been curious about how she had operated when he had first met her, not much had changed, had it? "I was upset about Nicky for like…one night." Mostly. "Killing doesn't bother me." And it never had. He had grown up in a harsh world and he had learned how to do harsh things to survive. "Quit prettying me up, babe. I'd slit someone's throat in a heartbeat if they fucked with what's mine."

"I'm not prettying you up. You're assuming I am." Vallea wiped her tears away and blew out a deep breath, sliding her hands down his t-shirt covered chest. "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to freak out and call you a cold-blooded murderer? Will that make you feel better? I'm not gonna do it because that's not how I view what you did. Anybody can kill if they're pushed far enough." That was the harsh truth to the messed up world they grew up and lived in. "I accept what you did, I'll take it to the grave and, after tonight, we're not discussing it ever again. We're going to move on and be together, like we should've been this past year, with no more lies between us." Jon had told her his secret, so it was time for Vallea to return the favor to him. "And now, I have something to confess to you since this is a clean slate between us. It's about who I was with the night at the hotel…" The night he called her to tell her he still loved her and accused her of fucking around.

When she kept saying he felt bad, that was gussying it up. Jon's full attention, however, snapped to her when she mentioned that night. The night he wished he had been able to blackout and totally forget everything. He had drunk dialed her. He had told her she reeked like some dude's Old Spice. He had called her and told her he loved her. Jon had been a total lovesick, heartbroken jackass and he knew without a shadow of a doubt he would wind up doing it all over again.

"All right." He wasn't so sure he really wanted to know, but…she hadn't wanted to know about his murdering habit either.

"You can't kill him, okay? He didn't hurt me or anything and he didn't seduce me either. If anything, I…seduced him." Vallea pulled away from him and stood up from the bed, finally regaining feeling in her legs again. "I only did it because I was so heartbroken over you…and I was having nightmares about you, Jon." She inhaled sharply and could see his face darkening. "Nightmares about you killing me, actually." That was way too coincidental. "I couldn't sleep because my dreams were filled with you, so…I went to Monique for advice. And she told me how she got over one of her breakups…by fucking another man. It snapped her out of her depression, it was onetime and she was back to her old self. I thought it would work for me…and it didn't. It only made me feel worse and after it happened, I left and ran into you and then you called me and…" Vallea was never good with this type of things and swallowed hard, throwing her hands up. "It was Seth Rollins, okay?! Fuck…"

It took Jon a very long moment to process all that. He had been following her, doing mental commentary. She had seduced a guy. Okay, he could believe that. She hadn't been shy with him, her only real condition had been not in public, in that glass wheel. She had been having nightmares about him killing her, that was weird and unrealistic. He loved her. Jon didn't like the idea of her sleeping with another man, but he wasn't going to kill him. It was hilarious that she thought she had to warn him he wasn't allowed to kill the guy. That right there told him it was someone he knew. He had been kind of leaning towards Joe or something, but then she mentioned Momo, who was a bitch right now because she gave shitty advice, and his eyes narrowed.

"Seth? The dickbag who called you a hot fucking bitch?" That explained why he felt like puking whenever he passed the Old Spice wearing motherfucker. "Really?" He was mad, but not excessively. She had forgiven him for two murders and lying. "Okay…why HIM?" That had him curious.

Vallea had a savior complex and realized it when Seth rescued her from being smashed by the boxes of t-shirts. "He apologized for calling me a hot fucking bitch and I accepted. That's not why I fucked him though or chose him, rather. Do you remember the day you came into my office and I had all those boxes of t-shirts? Well, before you came in there, Seth did and…I was nearly crushed with some of the boxes. He pulled me out of harm's way at the last second." It really could've been bad and an ER visit she didn't need or death. "Monique asked me if I found anyone else attractive besides you in the company and…I told her Seth. Probably because he did save me from being crushed by those boxes, kinda like you with the Red Rocks." Savior complex, indeed. "It wasn't that great with him, if that makes you feel any better." She wouldn't apologize for it either because, at the time, she was single, thanks to Jon's lie.