Chapter 4: A Harvest For This Winter Feast!

"Okay, let me get this straight," Keima stared at his adventuring companions in disbelief, with his PFP tucked away safely in his bag for once. "You're telling me that vegetables in this world are alive, capable of moving on their own, and will fight to avoid being eaten."

"Of course, they do," Megumin rolled her eyes. They had already had this conversation several times that morning. "Why wouldn't they? That's why farmers are always the strongest and toughest people around."

"She's right." Darkness nodded. "Farming is the most respected, but also the most dangerous, occupation that a person can have. All vegetables, from lettuce to potatoes, to anchovies to tomatoes are capable of inflicting serious injuries on an unwitting adventurer if they're not careful. That is why all of you should let me-"

"Tomatoes are a fruit, not a vegetable," Keima pointed out, cutting off Darkness before she could go into one of her uncomfortable tangents. "And anchovies are a damn fish!"

Kazuma sighed, placed an unwanted hand on Keima's shoulder, and pulled the older boy close. "Dude, trust me, the sooner you stop trying to make sense of this stuff, the better. This place is freaking messed up but you've just got to get used to it."

"You can't expect things to work the same in every world," Aqua said in an uncharacteristically wise tone, with Elsie nodding along sagely. "That would just be stupid."

"This whole thing is stupid," Keima snapped. "Who designed this world? Next, you'll tell me that octopi walk around on land and are treated like livestock!"

"Wait, are you saying that they fly on your world?" Darkness asked with a note of genuine shock, then blushed indecently. "So an innocent young maiden could be peacefully minding their own business, when suddenly a vicious octopus could drop down from the sky on her and begin to ravish her delicate form with its writhing tentacles, violating her-"

"Nope!" Kazuma slapped his hand against the perverted crusader's mouth before she could finish her thought. "They swim around in the ocean and, more importantly, they only do whatever you were about to suggest in bad fetish hentai. Now, let's just get this over with and harvest these carrots. It's friggin' cold out here."

The party members were waiting on the outskirts of a carrot patch, standing beside a row of large wooden cages that they were supposed to fill with the angry vegetables once they awakened. Other groups of adventurers were also gathered around the field, biding their time until the harvest began. It had already been two hours and not a taproot was stirring, not even a turnip.

"I'm bo~red!" Elsie whined, crouching in front of a row of carrot plants and absently prodding the leaves with the butt-end of her scythe. After a moment, something began tugging at it and the weapon was nearly wrenched out of the girl's hands as the vegetables burst forth from the ground, gnashing teeth and growling.

At once, the chaos erupted. Adventurers from all classes and walks of life came together to fight as one discordant harmony of no one knowing what they were doing. Wizards were casting spells at random, Knights were swinging their weapons blindly, Thieves were pickpocketing everyone else while they were distracted, and in the middle of it all, Keima and his allies(?) were doing their best to not screw up too badly.

"Bind!" Kazuma shouted, and a tangle of ropes burst out from his sleeves, forming a net that wrapped itself around a group of unfortunate carrots that had made the mistake of trying to attack Darkness. The Paladin seemed put off that she no longer had their sharp teeth digging into her armor and flesh but as Kazuma wrangled his catch into one of the cages, another wave swarmed her and she began to gush in pure ecstasy.

Keima, for his part, was spamming his Freeze spell to immobilize the carrots in a thin coating of ice while Aqua ran around with a basket to try and catch them. Somehow she seemed to miss most of the carrots and ended up with a basket full of turnips and beets instead. Elsie had initially been shocked by the sudden outburst of veggie-mania but soon recovered and was happily bisecting carrots without a care in the world. Thankfully they would still get paid for partial carrots, even if the bounty wasn't as high as in-tact specimens. Megumin had seemingly disappeared in the chaotic cornucopia, which was definitely not a good sign.

After a few minutes, the sky turned dark even though it was still early morning and there hadn't been a cloud to be seen when they had started. Then, a spiral of colorful starry lights erupted from the center of the field and swirled around into a glitter fanatic's wet dream. Keima heard chanting and realized what was about to happen far too late.

"EXPLOSION!"

The ringing in Keima's ears was deafening as he pulled himself back up to his feet. Not helping matters was the fact that he had apparently been rendered temporarily deaf. Or at least he hoped that it was temporary. He quickly realized that his eardrums had burst, though thankfully he had been far enough away from the blast to avoid any other major injuries. He could not say the same for the veritable salad of dead vegetables raining from the sky or, sadly, the many adventurers who had been unlucky enough to not avoid getting hit by Megumin's attack. Aqua crawled up to Keima and placed her hands over his ears, then said something that he couldn't make out due to the whole burst eardrum situation. A pleasant warmth washed over him and when she walked away he found that he could hear again. He noticed that there were a few other Priests scattered about who were also hard at work healing the injured.

"That was my greatest explosion yet!" The crazy girl laughed maniacally from the center of the carnage, where she was lying face-down in a pile of pulped and charred carrots. "Hey, Kazuma, how was that?"

"What the hell, Megumin?" Kazuma yelled back, furiously marching up to the psychopath before planting a foot firmly on her back. "You could have killed someone!"

"She did!" Aqua called out sadly from where she was huddled over a fallen adventurer. "Sacred Revive!"

Keima wasn't sure why he was surprised that the dead man suddenly stood up and stumbled away with a mumbled thanks.

"Hey, what are you angry with me for?" Megumin demanded. "I got all the carrots, didn't I?"

"Oh, you got them, alright!" Kazuma said sarcastically as he picked up a scorched carrot and waved it in Megumin's face. "Do you think that we're going to get paid for this? You ruined the whole crop! We're going to be lucky if we don't end up even further in debt over this!"

"Hey, what's going on over here!" A gruff-sounding voice called out, which Keima recognized as the farmer who had greeted them when they had arrived at the farm and assigned them to this field. The hardened warrior marched up to the scene of the carnage and looked around. "My word, in all my years I've never seen anything like this! Who's responsible?"

"See?" Kazuma ducked down and hissed in Megumin's ear. "Your reckless explosion magic just got us into trouble, again."

"So, you're the one?" The farmer slowly walked up to Megumin and glared down at her. Then, to everyone's shock, his face burst out into a massive grin. "That was incredible! I've never seen anyone manage to take down an entire crop of Winter Carrots so quickly!"

Keima was shocked, but not nearly as much as Kazuma, whose mouth was hanging ajar. Megumin, for her part, just smiled smugly at their leader before turning he head to face the farmer.

"Yes, it was I! Megumin! She who loves explosions and is loved by explosions, foremost genius of the Crimson Demon Clan and slayer of vegetables!" She declared loudly, trying to look as dignified as she could lying paralyzed in dirt. "Witness my awesome might!"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Kazuma crossed his arms in front of his chest in an 'x' shape. "Aren't you angry that she destroyed all your crops?"

"Hm…" The farmer crouched down and took a closer look at the ruined vegetables by his feet, picking up a burnt carrot and examining it. "Yes, I suppose I should be. But, most of these should be salvageable, even if we'll be somewhat limited in what we can use them for. I think we should still have enough for tonight's big feast at the Guild Hall, at least. I am going to have to dock your pay for this, though."

Kazuma sighed. "I suppose that could have been worse."

As if on cue, there was a loud thump and the ground rumbled, followed by another. The scattered adventurers began looking around to find the source of the sudden commotion. Suddenly, one grizzled-looking Thief pointed at something in the distance and screamed.

"Run for your life!"

Keima looked over to where the fleeing man had indicated but soon wished he hadn't. A stampede of what appeared to be giant frogs of some sort were quickly closing in on them, a trail of dirt being kicked up in their wake. A mass panic broke out as everyone tried to run away in different directions.

"Kazuma! Kazuma Kazuma!" Aqua screamed as she ducked behind her beleaguered partner. "Don't let them eat me again!"

"That's my name," he grumbled. "Now get off of me!"

"Do not worry, friends!" Darkness declared as she charged towards the oncoming monsters. "I shall defend you from these vile toads!"

A second later, the paladin's legs were flailing wildly in the air, her upper body completely engulfed within a toad's mouth as its kin continued to charge them.

"Damn it, Megumin!" Kazuma yelled, picking up the limp loli and making a break for it. "You're damn explosion must have woke them up out of hibernation!"

"I don't want to be toad food!" Aqua cried, bolting out in front of them.

Keima ran as well, having no interest in trying to test his mettle at the moment. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for his self-proclaimed sister.

"Halt, foul creature!" Elsie raised her scythe towards the toad that was eating Darkness, doing her best impersonation of a noble knight. Keima really needed to have a talk with her about her newfound roleplaying habit. "I shall not allow you to devoir that fine young maiden-augh!"

Now a second toad had a mouthful of adventurer and the others were quickly gaining on them. Keima didn't have time to mourn her loss, though. He was too busy trying to save his own hide. However, more and more people found themselves being swallowed by the oversized amphibians, and Keima had never been the most physically active kid in his class. It didn't take long before the God of Conquest found himself face-first in the warm and slimy mouth of a giant toad as well.

Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!

The walk home was long and cold. It certainly didn't help that Elsie and the others were covered in gooey toad saliva. Adventuring, she realized, was not always as fun as she had initially thought it would be. At least she'd managed to rack up some decent experience along the way. She really wished that she hadn't let the others talk her out of bringing her fire engine with her. It would have made the return trip a whole lot faster so that she and the other girls could shower off the slime. And the boys, too, she supposed, but they would have to wait their turn.

"That was certainly exciting!" Darkness beamed, marching along with the still-immobile Megumin draped over her back. She seemed to be the only one to still be in a good mood after the harvest fiasco. "It's a shame it ended so quickly, though. I would have loved to go another few rounds with those beasts!"

"I don't know why I let you drag me into that mess," Keima grumbled. His PFP had apparently survived that toad attack just fine and he was already diligently at work on another one of his silly games. Elsie really wished that he would take this opportunity to find other things to do instead.

"I hate toads!" Aqua whined, whipping more of the gunk off of herself. "Why do they always try to eat me?"

"I guess they must not have a sense of taste," Kazuma joked bitterly. "Of course, we wouldn't have had to deal with them at all until spring if someone we know hadn't woken them up!"

"I did nothing wrong!" Megumin shouted. "Explosion magic is my heart and soul! Asking me not to cast an Explosion is like asking the birds not to sing, the sun not to shine, or Aqua not to cry!"

"Hey!" The goddess in question pouted defensively.

"Just ask Keima," Megumin continued. "As my newly appointed apprentice in the art of explosion magic, he has also seen the light of their beauty!"

That remark caused Kazuma to stop in his tracks and turn around, pointing an accusatory finger at Keima. "What?"

"I did not agree to that!" Keima snapped, actually looking up from his game. "She added that damn spell onto my Adventurer's Card when I was asleep!"

"Why else would you have been saving up your skill points, if not to learn the ultimate magic?" Megumin asked.

"Because basic magic barely cost anything and I still need to see someone cast Intermediate Magic before I can add it!"

Elsie quickly lost interest in the argument, so she switched her focus to trying to wring slime out of her hagoromo. The pink, scarf-like article of clothing wasn't technically made out of cloth but it was close enough that the toad goo had managed to seep into it as if it were.

"Here, let me help you with that." Aqua held out a hand as if to take the mantle. Elsie hesitated but handed it over to her. "You've got to wash it out thoroughly to get the slime out. I've, uh… had to do this a few times with my own raiment. Stupid toads… Now, Create Water!"

Water jetted out of the goddess' hands as she ran them tightly along the length of the demonic device. Elsie graciously accepted it back once Aqua had finished and was pleasantly surprised that it was as good as new. It even seemed to be glowing.

"Wow, this is perfect!" Elsie beamed. "Thank, Aqua!"

"No problem!" Aqua gave the girl a double thumbs-up. "Anything for a friend!"

Elsie then realized that her mantle actually was glowing and that the white light seemed to be growing in intensity, just in time for the whole thing to spontaneously combust around her shoulders. She let out a scream and fell over, rolling around on the ground in a ball of fire. Aqua dropped down to her knees beside her, frantically trying to put the white flames out with more water, but that just made things worse. The others rushed over to them quickly as Elsie attempted to set a land speed record.

"What did you do?" Kazuma asked furiously.

"I didn't do anything!" Aqua insisted. "I was just helping her clean off her raiment and then it caught fire for no reason!"

"I shall smother the flames out with my body!" Darkness dropped Megumin like a sack of bricks and tackled the flailing demon before anyone had a chance to object. Now two young women were rolling around in a flaming heap while everyone else watched in stunned confusion.

"Wait, are you saying that you doused Elsie in your water?" Kazuma asked Aqua, a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Just her raiment," Aqua clarified with a sniff.

"Your holy water…" Kazuma emphasized.

Aqua nodded.

"So, you sprayed a bunch of holy water… on Elsie… a half-demon… which by extension would mean that she is weak to holy magic…"

"Yes, that's what I just… said…" Aqua froze in place as it slowly dawned on her what he was getting at. "Oh…"

While Kazuma began to chew out his partner for her lack of thinking, Keima took it upon himself to put out the holy fire. It took several Freeze spells to do it but eventually, Elsie and Darkness were able to stand up again, no longer on fire.

"Are you alright?" Keima asked them.

"I think I'll be fine," Elsie said as she patted herself down. "Now I'm glad that I already took all those resistance skills that Darkness showed me."

"At least we're not covered in toad slime anymore," Darkness added. "Who knew that was flammable?"

Aqua suddenly had her arms wrapped tightly around Elsie's waist, falling to her knees and sobbing uncontrollably.

"OhElsieI'msosorryIdidn'tthinkabouthowthatwouldhurtyouI'msosorryI'llneverdoitagainpleaseforgiveme!"

"I-it's alright," Elsie stammered as she pulled the blue-haired woman off of her. "I'm fine, really."

"No, it's not fine." Aqua insisted. "Here, let me heal you real quick. Heal!"

Aqua had already cast the spell before anyone had a chance to stop her. A light pulsed out from the goddess' hands into the demon's and… nothing happened.

"Odd, I was expecting her to catch fire again." Kazuma scratched his chin. "Your healing magic does use holy energy, right?"

Aqua slapped herself on the forehead. "Oh yeah, that's right. Sorry."

"I guess maybe since she's only half demon, she's only affected by large amounts of holy magic?" Kazuma speculated.

"Half? I'm not-" Elsie started to object, before remembering her cover story. "Oh, yes, half-demon. I guess that must be it since that's definitely what I am. Yessiree Bob, no ful-blooded demons here."

"Mph smphuddy bess pek meh uhp!" came a muffled yell from the girl everyone had collectively forgotten in the chaos, who had been left face-down in a patch of mud.

"Oh! Sorry about that, Megumin." Darkness quickly hurried over and picked up the irate Crimson Demon.

"Pleh, finally!" Megumin spat out a mouthful of soggy dirt. "Now let's go home before anything else happens. I'm not in the mood."

"You know that you wouldn't have to worry about not being able to move if you didn't keep casting Explosion at the drop of a hat," Kazuma pointed out.

"How dare you even suggest that, Kazutrash!"

The rest of the way back to the mansion was comparatively uneventful, though Elsie did discover that her hagoromo had been damaged in the incident. She couldn't fly or turn herself invisible with it anymore, let alone use any of its other functions. That was a disappointment but not an unexpected one. She hoped that it would be able to repair itself over time but wasn't going to hold her breath on that. She was going to have to learn to rely on her adventuring skills instead. Plus her fire engine. Mostly the fire engine.

Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!

It took a while for the barely functional adventuring party to get cleaned up after everything. In fact, it took them a while to get anything done. Eventually, however, they managed to make their way back to the adventuring hall where a massive feast was being held to celebrate the winter solstice. Or at least that's what Keima was assuming the feast was for. The other adventurers in the guild seemed more focused on partying than the reason why they were celebrating and he hadn't been paying all that much attention to begin with.

Keima found himself at a table with Kazuma and several adventurers he had seen in passing but hadn't bothered to learn the names of, while the girls were at the other end of the hall. His PFP was tucked away safely in his jacket pocket, as not even he could play while busy eating. Well, actually he could but he didn't want to risk getting it dirty. His compatriots weren't exactly the neatest eaters.

"So, you're the new guy, huh?" Some blond guy in a red tracksuit jacket that seemed entirely out of place in a medieval kingdom asked. Keima assumed that he was from Earth but wasn't sure.

"It would appear so." Keima poked around at his stew absently. Large social gatherings had never been his thing and he was questioning whether the free food was worth coming for.

"Well, don't just leave us hanging. What brings you to Axel? And how did you manage to get into the party with all the hot chicks?" the red-clad warrior insisted on asking.

Keima quietly took a bite of his stew, hoping that by not engaging he would be able to avoid conversation.

"This is Keima," Kazuma introduced him, ensuring that he would remain the center of attention despite his lack of interest. "He and his sister just came to town a few days ago to strike up as adventurers. They're from my homeland so I thought that I'd show them the ropes and it turned out they balance out the party fairly well so I kept them on. They help tone down the girls' chaos a little. More or less. At least they're not as overspecialized, anyway."

"I still say it's not fair that you get a party full of cute girls. Even with two guys in your party now, you've still got two girls to a guy. We've just got Rin, who's nice and all but man, what I wouldn't give for your party."

Keima sat back and squared his shoulders, taking a deep breath to center himself. There was clearly no getting out of this so he figured that he had no choice but to entire the conversation properly. Fortunately, if there was one thing that the God of Conquest was good at, other than galge, it was his ability to adapt his personality and mannerisms to fit whatever role he needed to play. He was a born actor, even if he had no interest in pursuing that talent. Thus, he took on the role of the amiable yet practical rookie adventurer settling into town.

"I'm guessing that you only say that because you haven't actually worked with any of them." Keima gestured vaguely to where the girls were sitting with his spoon. "I've only been in this party for a few days but I've already seen enough to tell you with complete surety that we're probably the most dysfunctional party in Belzerg."

"That's what I've been saying!" Kazuma agreed.

"Bullshit!" the blond guy snapped. "You're just saying that so that you can keep them to yourself."

"Aqua is a narcissist with delusions of godhood but will completely break down if you so much as look at her funny, Megumin is the most chuuni little girl that I have ever seen and is so devoted to her damn explosion magic that she literally refuses to learn any other spells and even went so far as to force me to learn it against my will, Darkness is probably the sanest of the bunch but still lets her perversion and masochism get in the way of just about everything, and Elsie, while she may be my little sister, is also basically still a child and treats everything like a game."

"I couldn't have said it better myself." Kazuma nodded. "Honestly, their personalities are so bad that it would be impossible to get it on for any of them. Except maybe Els-"

The party leader quickly found himself with Keima's elbow jammed into his may not have known her for very long and she may not have actually been his sister, but he had still grown protective of Elsie, regardless.

"Anyway, you're better off sticking with Rin, Dust. She's actually a nice girl," Kazuma changed topics. "Besides, you could probably get Taylor to agree to recruit some new members, if you really wanted more girls on your team. Our six-person lineup has been working better than the old four-person team, after all."

"Nah, probably not," the guy, apparently named Dust, grumbled. "We're pretty well-balanced already. So… if you're somehow not into any of the girls in your party, because you must be crazy, then are there any other ladies that have caught your eye?"

Kazuma shrugged and gave a sly grin. "Where would I even start?"

"I've only been in town a few days, I don't even know anyone outside the party yet," Keima pointed out. "Besides, I've had more than my fill of real girls."

"What?" Dust seemed intrigued by that response, to Keima's dismay. "Okay, you can't just leave us hanging on that. Spill them beans."

Keima sighed. He should have kept his mouth shut. "It's a long story that I don't want to get into. Let's just say that my old town had a ghost problem that required… unconventional exorcism."

Dust let out a shrill whistle. "Ooh, boy! What town did you say you were from again, because I've got to get me some of that."

"Trust me, you really don't." Keima shook his head and fought every urge to bury his face in his hands. He was then startled as Kazuma pulled him into a two-person huddle.

"Wait, there are ghosts in Japan?" he asked in a hushed whistle. "And… wait, but you said that Elsie's a half-demon. Does that mean we have demons in Japan? Since when is this supernatural shit real back home? And wouldn't that make her half oni?"

"Hey, don't look at me." Keima shrugged. "I was just as surprised when I found out. And I have no idea if oni are real but it wouldn't surprise me. Also, why are we keeping Japan a secret? Surely, enough people have done the whole 'reincarnate to another world' thing here that it's common knowledge, right?"

"How do you think the people back home would react if they suddenly found out that people from another world had been reincarnating to Earth for hundreds of years to solve our problems for us and that even a lot of the people from Earth had ancestry that could be traced back to other worlds. And don't call me Shirley."

"That's an old joke." Keima glared at him. "But I guess you do make a good point."

"Yo, what are you two whispering about?" Dust asked the huddled party members.

"Oh, nothing important." Kazuma shrugged as they sat up again. "Just betting on if you'll ever get laid. Keima here says no, but I'm pretty sure that even an idiot like you could manage it in another… twenty, thirty years?"

"Now them's fightin' words!"

If Keima had a bucket list, then getting into a bar fight wouldn't have been on it. But if it was, then he would have been able to strike it off the list that night. Once again, the recluse gamer found himself regretting coming to Belzerg in the first place.

Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!

On the next exciting chapter of God's Blessing, God Knows: A Master For This Fledgling Mage!

"A, you're just making that up," Keima countered. "B, I've already had the 'you die if you don't do this stupid thing' routine done on me for real and I am not going through that again. If things come to that, I'm just letting that angel reincarnate me back on Earth."

Four wizards walked into a bar. That wasn't the start of a joke, it's just what happened. Unless you consider life to be a joke, which was a viewpoint that Kiema was coming closer and closer to the longer he stayed in Belzerg.

It appeared that in her hubris, Megumin had accidentally solved the problem that she didn't want to help solve. Because of course.

Author's Note: At the rate things are going right now, it looks like this story may end up becoming the most popular of my currently ongoing fics. I can't say that I was expecting that when I started writing it but I'm pleased all the same. It probably has something to do with the fact that I'm actually updating regularly and plan to continue with that schedule for the foreseeable future, plus the fact that my writing skills have improved significantly since I started my other fics. Regardless, I'm glad that you all seem to be enjoying this random crossover that popped into my head one day, and I hope that you'll continue to enjoy it as the plot thickens over time. I have plans for where this is going and it should be a wild ride.