Chapter 6: Rest For This Weary Soul!
After dropping off the mages near their dungeon, Elsie drove the rest of the party out to their own quest location. What would normally have been a walk which would have taken them at least half the day ended up taking them a fraction of that time thanks to the convenience of her fire engine. Modern engineering could do wonders in a medieval world.
She pulled up an ancient stone structure that looked almost like some sort of temple at the end of a long, broken and cracked road of stone bricks. It really was the very image of a fantasy dungeon, which just made Elsie even more excited as she parked outside.
"We're here!" Elsie called back to the others as she unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to the back.
"Already? This strange contraption really is a miracle, isn't it?" Darkness said. "Well, shall we be going? Who knows what horrors could await us down in the dungeon?"
"Yeah, yeah, go have fun." Kazuma leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes as if he were going to try and take a nap.
"What, no! You've gotta come with us!" Aqua leaned forward and tugged on the boy's sleeve.
"And why would I do that?" He cracked open an eye. "You're the ones who wanted to take on a stupid quest. Only reason I'm not still back at home is to avoid suspicions for that explosion Keima caused earlier."
"But you are out here with us, so you might as well come along," Darkness pointed out. "Besides, you are supposed to be our party's leader, even if you hardly act like it these days."
"Also, it's my fire engine, which means my rules," Elsie added. "And I don't want you taking a nap in here. You might get drool all over the seats and then I'd have to clean it out later."
"I don't drool!" Kazuma snapped to attention at the perceived insult.
"Yes, you do," Aqua said definitively.
"You're the one who drools in your sleep!" Kazuma shouted back, leaping forward and grabbing her cheeks, causing the goddess to start crying and pulling on his face in retaliation.
Elsie had yet to figure out what the connection between those two was. Half the time it seemed like they hated each other with a passion, the other half they seemed so comfortable around each other that they had to be either family or lovers. It was all a bit too confusing for the poor girl, who tried not to think about it.
Eventually, they managed to drag Kazuma outside and the party headed to the dungeon's entrance.
"Alright, if you're going to drag me along then you might as well tell me what the damn quest is," Kazuma grumbled as they headed underground.
"This place is known as Keele's Dungeon and was considered a beginner-level dungeon for a long time," Darkness explained for his benefit, as the others had already been filled in back at the guild. "The place was thought to have been fully explored and picked clean a long time ago since so many adventurers would come here but recently a new passageway was discovered that leads to a lower level. They don't know how dangerous it will be down there, so we get to be the ones to run headfirst into whatever unknown dangers might be lurking down- UMPH!"
Darkness walked face-first into a support pillar. She seemed to be fine but the pillar had been cracked and was crumbling apart.
"Wait a minute, you can't see in the dark!" Kazuma pointed out. "You shouldn't be down here without a light source!"
"I will be fine!" Darkness insisted. "Besides, is it not just as dark for you down here?"
"Um, no," Kazuma sighed. "I've got the Foresight skill, which is basically night vision. I can see fine down here."
"And I am the Goddess of Water!" Aqua declared proudly. "I may not be able to use all of my abilities but I still have a lot of godly tricks up my sleeves."
"I can see fine, too!" Elsie chimed in.
"Then I can just let you three be my eyes!" Darkness pounded her fist against her breastplate, facing a direction just off to the side from where the others were standing. "Do not hesitate to thrust me in the way of any oncoming attacks or traps! Let my body be your shield!"
That was Elsie's mentor for you, always so cool and collected no matter the circumstance!
"Ugh, fine," Kazuma groaned. For a party leader, he never seemed all that enthusiastic about leading his party. "Elsie, you keep an eye on Darkness and make sure she doesn't get into any trouble down here. We don't want her making any more loud noises and alerting any enemies that we're here."
"Yay!" Aqua cheered. "Now it's time to look for treasure!"
The goddess marched off ahead of them like she didn't have a care in the world. Elsie found herself wondering how she managed to end up in a party with all of these cool people and also Kazuma.
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
It only took them a few minutes to find the entrance to the lower dungeon and would have taken even less time if Aqua didn't insist on checking every treasure chest they passed even though she should have known from the beginning that they had all already been emptied out. Not to mention Darkness kept tripping over everything since she couldn't see, even with Elsie trying to guide her. In fact, the younger girl's guidance almost seemed to be making things worse. Kazuma found himself wondering how he managed to end up in a party with all of these idiots.
"Alright, this is it." Kazuma pushed against a brick in the middle of a nondescript wall, and the whole thing opened up in front of them, revealing the hidden passage. "From this point on, it's all unexplored territory."
"I bet it's chock-full of treasure!" Aqua gave a smug grin.
"And dangerous monsters that will be pent up after not being able to attack any adventurers for so long!" A bit of drool fell from the corner of Darkness' mouth. Hopeless perv.
"There better be treasure down here if we're going through all this trouble to find it," Kazuma said. "I could do without any angry monsters, though. Now come on, let's just go."
With that, the quartet of adventurers made their way down a long flight of steps. Too long, in Kazuma's opinion. Why did there always have to be so many damn stairs in these dungeons! And having to walk back up them when they left would be even worse.
It also didn't help Kazuma's mood at all that they could hear roars coming deeper in. Darkness seemed to be loving it, though. He was pretty sure that the anticipation of whatever they would run into was getting her off more than the actual fight was going to. And knowing that pervert, that meant a lot.
"H-hey, can you guys see alright?" Aqua stammered nervously. "Just let me know if any of you need help finding your footing at all."
"Don't worry, I can see well enough to notice you trembling at every little sound," Kazuma replied with an appropriate level of sarcasm. "Just try not to fall down the steps."
"Well, I can see well enough to run if we have to. Just don't try to touch my butt on the way, 'cause I'll know it wasn't an accident."
"Why on Earth would I be interested in your butt." Kazuma rolled his eyes. "Besides, if we have to bail then I'm leaving you behind for the monsters."
"This isn't the time for arguing," Elsie cut in, the naive girl having apparently still not realized just what party she was in. "And Kazuma, you can't just abandon your party members."
"I would not mind if you were to leave me behind for all of the no-doubt hideous monsters of this dungeon to have their way with me," Darkness butted in as well. "However, there will be no need for that. I will run ahead to intercept whatever vile creatures await us in the dark."
"No, wait!"
Elsie's warning came too late, as Darkness tried to sprint down the stairs and almost immediately took a bad step, tripping over and tumbling the rest of the way down in a cacophony of clanging metal and ecstatic moans. Unbelievable, now every monster in the whole dungeon probably knew where they were. And sure enough, Kazuma's Enemy Detection skill suddenly went off like a fire alarm and before he knew it, an army of gremlins rushed in seemingly out of nowhere.
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
Why did dungeon crawling have to take so looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong? Aqua just wanted treasure already. Was that so much to ask for? They made their way around another corner of the underground labyrinth and thankfully there weren't any monsters waiting to ambush them there this time. She was already getting tired of combat. Just how many low-level demons and undead were there in this stupid dungeon?
Kazuma was still at the head of the party since his various detection skills meant that he'd be able to, well, detect anything that was up ahead. Elsie and Darkness followed close behind so that Darkness could rush ahead at a moment's notice whenever a new enemy closed in on them. That left Aqua trailing along behind them with nothing to do but think about how bored she was getting.
"Augh!" Kazuma tripped over something and fell flat on his face, prompting Aqua to start laughing at his misery.
"What was that?" Darkness looked around frantically, ready to jump into danger. "Are we under attack?"
"No, it was just a skeleton on the ground," Elsie informed her.
"I guess we're not the first ones to make to have made it down this far." Kazuma spit out a bit of dirt as he stood back up. "Come on, let's get going."
"Wait!" Aqua called out as she ran up to them, coming to a crouch beside the fallen warrior. She could see the man's soul still bound to the remains of his mortal form and couldn't stand to leave him down there. He was one of her children, after all. Just as all of Belzerg's human population were. "I need to do something first."
Aqua held out her hand over the skeleton, and a divine blue glow spread out from it, covering the fallen warrior in its warm light.
"Grognar Svenson, Barbarian of the Rusty Ax," the man's whole life flashed before her eyes as she severed the binds holding his soul to his body, "you died with your ambitions yet unfulfilled, but may your spirit be at peace. I am your Goddess and I have seen your life, and I have judged it good. Move on to the next world, now, that you may be reborn into a new life and that you may finally get that 'big tiddie goth gf' that you always wanted."
"thank you"
With that, the man's spirit dispersed as it made its journey to the realm of souls. Her duty fulfilled, Aqua stood up gracefully and brushed the dust from her skirt before turning to face the others, who looked at her with awe in their gazes, Darkness even clutching onto the symbol of Eris that she kept around her neck because she worshiped the wrong goddess, even if Aqua didn't mind too much. Well, Kazuma's expression was more confusion than awe.
"I always forget that you actually are a goddess," Kazuma mumbled. "You never seem to act like it."
"Of course, I'm a goddess!" Aqua huffed in righteous indignation, planting her hands firmly on her hips! "You of all people should know that Mr. 'I died of a heart attack because I actually went outside for once'."
"Hey! You don't need to bring that up!"
Kazuma tackled her to the ground and they rolled around in a tussle. It took the two melee fighters of their group physically prying them apart and holding them at arms-length from each other to get them to stop fighting. Aqua found that she always, well, usually enjoyed their little spats like this, even if not while in the moment. She'd never had a friend quite like Kazuma before and it was nice having someone that she could be herself around. Even with Eris, she always had to at least try and act more formally than she would like. But she didn't have to worry about putting on airs around Kazuma, or the others, for that matter. Plus, she knew that he was always there for her, even if he liked to claim otherwise. He would have just ditched her as soon as they got to Belzerg if he was going to, after all. Even for a goddess, it was nice to have someone to depend on when she needed it.
"Oi, what are you lookin' at?" Kazuma glared at her with his usual annoyed look. Aqua hadn't even realized she'd been staring at him.
"Just your stupid face," Aqua taunted back.
They traded a few more insults back and forth as Elsie and Darkness let them go until Elsie leaned in towards Darkness and whispered a bit louder than she probably meant to.
"So, are those two dating, or what?"
That prompted both Aqua and Kazuma to turn on her.
"What could possibly make you think that I'd date that useless airhead!"
"Ew, no, mortals are icky."
"S-sorry." Elsie shrunk back from them, her cheeks turning red in embarrassment.
"Besides, even if I wanted to, relationships between gods and mortals are strictly off-limits these days," Aqua pointed out. "We held a vote to make it forbidden a few thousand years ago. It was mostly just to get Zeus kicked out of the pantheon, though. That guy was a jerk. Actually, most of the male gods got stripped of their divinity for not being able to stick to the no-boinking rule, now that I think about it. Pervs."
"Well, that explains a lot about the universe," Kazuma groaned. "And here I thought your incompetence was the exception."
"Hey!"
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
Well, this was a bust. Kazuma opened another empty drawer, not surprised in the least that he didn't find anything. At this point, it would actually be more surprising if any of them did find anything in this stupid dungeon. They'd explored what had to have been nearly the entire dungeon at this point and hadn't found even a single piece of treasure anywhere.
"Hey, Kazuma!" Aqua called from the other end of the room.
"That's me," Kazuma sighed as she turned to her. "What is it?"
"I found a treasure chest!"
The useless goddess was acting like a small child as she skipped over to the red and gold chest in question. Kazuma rushed over and grabbed her shoulder before she could get any closer.
"Hey, don't you find that even a little suspicious?" he told her. "Just a big old treasure chest in the middle of an empty room when we haven't found anything yet?"
"Of course we haven't found any treasure yet. Tt's all in that chest!" Aqua stated like it should have been obvious.
"Ugh, look, just hold a second." Kazuma closed his eyes and let his Enemy Detection skill do its thing. "Yep, just like I thought, that's a monster. Probably a mimic or something."
"A monster, you say?" Darkness perked up at that. "Perhaps it may still be hiding treasure within. Allow me to distract the monster while you check the chest!"
"Darkness, no!" Kazuma tried to stop her but it was too late.
The horny idiot of a Crusader rushed forward and as she approached, space seemed to warp around the treasure chest as two rows of giant fangs emerged from the shadows and snapped shut around her. The monster seemed to be trying to chew as Darkness flailed around wildly in its bite. Kazuma, Aqua and Elsie rushed forward and tried to pull her out but even with their combined strength, they weren't able to do it. After a moment, however, the mimic shuddered and retracted back into the shadows with a scream of pain. Darkness fell to the floor with a moan in front of the open chest, something dark and slimy in her hands.
"That was thrilling!" Darkness stood back up, and Kazuma noticed that her arms seemed to be covered in… wait, was that blood? "Putting myself in harm's way to protect my allies like that is truly what it means to be a Crusader! Although, it turned out that there wasn't any treasure in the chest, just organs."
As if to prove her point, Darkness held up a heart in one hand and a string of intestines in the other.
"At least that mimic won't be a problem for anyone anymore," Darkness continued, then blushed. "Hey, do you think there might be another one around here somewhere?"
Kazuma had to keep himself from banging his head against the cold stone wall. Why couldn't he have a normal party?
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
There were few things that Aqua disliked as much as the undead. To die was a natural part of life and to deny that was an abomination and affront to the gods. She would know, she was one of them. A Senior Goddess, even, older than Belzerg itself. And this dungeon was full of them. Undead, that is, not gods. She was the only one of those in the area, at least as far as she knew.
At least it gave her the opportunity to finally put these souls to rest. She hadn't been keeping track of just how many she had exorcised so far but it had to have been at least a hundred, and she could still smell more.
"Isn't this supposed to be a beginner-level dungeon?" Kazuma wondered aloud.
"The upper floors were but this part must be a higher difficulty rating," Darkness pointed out before throwing herself into the path of a horde of oncoming zombies.
"God Blow!" Aqua cleared out the entire shambling procession in one blow.
"You'd need an Arch Priest just to move around down here," Kazuma pointed out. "That'd hardly be fair for a party of rookies that accidentally wandered down here. Isn't this dungeon's difficulty curve just a bit out of wack?"
"No, I don't think so," Elsie said. "If this were a video game, this would probably be the kind of bonus area that you'd find while backtracking to an early area when you're in the late game. But this isn't a video game so it doesn't need to follow those rules, anyway."
While the others talked about that, Aqua began sniffing the air. The stench of undead was intense, and there was definitely something big just up ahead. Except they seemed to be at a dead end.
Wait, what if it was an undead end? Could such a thing exist? She would say that it was impossible but the undead as a whole were something that should have been impossible. She placed a hand on the wall to see if anything would happen. Nothing did, so she turned to the others to share her theory. But then the wall disappeared while she was still pressing her weight onto it and she fell over onto the dirty old floor.
Stupid wall.
"Hey, are you alright?" Elsie called out to her.
"No, not really. Thanks for asking, though," someone else replied. Aqua didn't recognize the voice, though.
She looked up into the room that had just appeared before her, not bothering to get up yet. A hooded figure sat, unmoving, on a dark throne at the other end.
"Hey, who are you?" Aqua asked the mysterious man, who she realized was the source of the undead scent she had been tracking. So much for her undead end theory. Maybe next time.
"My name is Keele," he replied. "I built this dungeon."
"Is that why they call it Keele's Dungeon?" Elsie asked.
The man sat in silence for a moment before answering. "Probably."
"Hey, you're a lich, aren't you?" Aqua asked as she finally pulled herself off the ground and stood up, pointing an accusatory finger at him.
"What, you mean like Wiz?" Kazuma asked.
"That nice shopkeeper is a lich?" Elsie tilted her head in confusion. "Wait, what's a lich."
"I don't know anyone named Wiz but a lich is a powerful dark wizard who has used their magic to seal their soul away in an item outside of their body, rendering them functionally immortal,' Keele explained. "It is a forbidden form of magic, that goes against the laws of nature. I, myself, was already an evil Arch Wizard who had kidnapped a nobleman's daughter before I became what you see before you now."
"Then that means we need to defeat you, right?" Elsie raised her scythe, preparing for battle.
"If that is what you will, then so be it," the skeletal undead said, not making any move to act. "But I would request that you hear my tale first. It has been a long while since I have had anyone to talk to and I would very much like to enjoy this rare opportunity."
"And why should we listen to a stinky undead lich like you?" Aqua asked, paying no mind to Darkness, who had to physically restrain her from just walking up to Keele and finishing him off on the spot.
"I suppose you could consider it a dying request," Keele replied, "and I will go without a fight if you humor me."
"Fine," Kazuma sighed. "Let's hear your stupid-ass backstory."
"Very well," Keele began. "You see, I was once a powerful Arch Wizard in service to the Kingdom of Belzerg and for my contributions to the kingdom, I was granted an audience with the king himself. He offered me whatever my heart desired and that happened to be the woman I loved, who had been given to him as a concubine for political reasons but neither he nor the queen and other concubines treated her with any love or respect. I tried to make my case that she should be with someone who actually wanted her but he still said no. So, I grabbed her hand and we hightailed it out of there as fast as we could, fighting the guards along the way and being hunted down for quite some time before we finally settled down here."
"Huh, that was shorter than I expected," Kazuma said.
"If what you have said is true, then why did you say that you were evil?" Darkness asked, releasing her grip on Aqua, who was no longer trying to subdue the lich. "If anything, it sounds like you were a true hero."
"Nah, not really." Keele shrugged. "I was just a selfish wizard who wouldn't take no for an answer. Oh, that's right, would you like to meet my wife? I should have introduced you earlier but it must have slipped my mind. I'd ask where my brain is but I don't think I still have one of those."
He gestured to a large bed propped up against the far side of the room, upon which lay a woman's skeleton, still clad in a wedding dress and veil. Aqua slipped past the others to examine the remains more closely. She could still feel a trace of the woman whose body this had once been but her soul had departed long ago.
"This woman died peacefully," Aqua told the others. "I can't sense any remnant of regrets and her soul didn't linger after she died. I can't even detect any traces of the undead on her."
"Of course not. I would never do anything to desecrate my beloved or her memory," Keele replied. "The only reason I became a lich myself was because I'd taken a mortal blow while we were still on the run and it was the only way I could think of to be able to continue to protect her. Now, I've told you my story and I know I said that I'd go without a fight but I do have one more request. Would you please be so kind as to purify me? If I'm not mistaken, this young lady should have the power to, and it has been so, so long since I have been able to be with my wife. I would like to finally be reunited with her in the next life."
"Of course!" Aqua said cheerfully before anyone else had a chance to speak up. "Ferrying souls on to the next life is one of my many responsibilities as the Goddess of Water!"
"Ooh, a goddess, you say?" Keele asked. "And here I thought you were just a powerful Arch Priest, but I guess that explains why I was able to sense your holy energy so strongly. Water? Then I take it you must be Lady Aqua of the Axel Sect?"
"That's right?" Aqua grinned.
"I can't say that I was ever one for religion when I was alive, but I'm honored that you would do a rotten soul as mine such a favor."
"Don't worry about it," Aqua shook her head. "Just say hi to your darling for me when you get there. I'm sure she's still waiting for you on the other side so that you can be reincarnated together."
"I do hope so." Keele nodded.
"Now, let's get down to business!"
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
It was almost kind of unsettling to see Aqua actually acting like a goddess. She was currently using some chalk that she'd pulled from… somewhere, to draw some kind of elaborate magic circle on the ground for the ceremony she was about to perform. Kazuma was leaning against the wall while he waited for her to finish. Elsie had to leave before the ceremony could start, what with the whole demon thing and everything, and Darkness had volunteered to return with her to the dungeon entrance. Allegedly it was to protect her from whatever monsters they had missed before but honestly, the girl probably would have been safer without having to drag along the blind meatshield. Kazuma would have gone with them but someone had to watch over the useless goddess and apparently, he had drawn the proverbial short straw. So much for his luck stat.
"Alrighty, everything's ready!" At last, Aqua finished preparing her magic circle and she held out a hand for Keele to come join her.
"Thank you for this. I couldn't tell you how much this means to me." The ancient lich stood up from where he was kneeling beside his wife's remains. "I've tried taking my own unlife before but I could never get it to work, so I've just been sitting here waiting to decay but who knows if that would have even worked."
With that, Keele knelt down at the center of the holy circle while Aqua held a hand out to him, a powerful blue glow radiating from her outstretched palm. Kazuma could feel the divine radiance of it from his spot on the other end of the room.
"Arch Wizard Keele, you cast aside your humanity and became a lich," Aqua began, "but in my name as the Goddess of Water, Aqua, I forgive you your sins and permit you safe passage to the afterlife."
Kazuma couldn't help but feel that the woman in front of him was a complete stranger who had taken Aqua's place. After all, there was no way that idiotic numbskull could act so regal and… godly as she was now.
"When you cross over to the other side, you will be greeted by my junior goddess, Eris," Aqua continued. "Do not let her unnaturally large breasts fool you. She pads her chest."
Okay, there she was.
"She will guide you through the process of reincarnation. If you have any requests for how you want to be in your next life, let her know. Then, she will allow you to be reunited with your beloved."
"Thank you, my lady," Keele whispered.
"Go now, my child, into your next life." Aqua closed her eyes and the light magnified in brightness. "Sacred Turn Undead!"
The light grew to encompass nearly the whole room and Kazuma had to shield his eyes from its blinding brightness. When it finally died down enough that he could see again, there was no sign that Keele had ever been there. Even his wife's remains had vanished. All that was left was Aqua, who turned to him with a serene smile on her face that he wasn't used to seeing.
Honestly, he liked this actual goddess Aqua a lot better than the normal one. Shame this mental impression of her wasn't going to last.
"Okay, let's go!" Aqua winked and leaned forward, using one of her hands to form a 'V' sign over her forehead with her tongue sticking out, and just like that, she was back to normal.
"Yeah, yeah." Kazuma shook his head and picked up the big back of assorted treasure that Keele had given him while Aqua was preparing her ritual. "Let's just go home already. I need a nap."
The walk back up to the surface was quiet at first. Then Kazuma decided to bring up something that had been on his mind thanks to something that Keele said.
"Did you know that you were a magnet for the undead?" he asked.
"W-what?" Aqua trembled a bit. "What do you mean?"
"Like, we keep getting surrounded by undead enemies whenever you're around, and even back when we were fighting that dullahan, all of his minions went after you, specifically. Even Keele said that he was specifically woken up because he could feel your presence."
"That, no, that has to be a coincidence."
Kazuma could already hear her starting to cry as what he just said sunk in. He sped up his pace to put a bit more distance between them just in case more monsters showed up. Honestly, why did that woman always have to be more of a nuisance than she was worth? Why couldn't he have gotten a proper cheat item instead, so that he could be a real isekai hero with a proper harem and everything? Although, he supposed it could have been worse. He could have been like Keima, who wasted his cheat item on a PSP, even if he insisted that wasn't what it was called. At least Aqua was occasionally useful. Something, something, broken clock right twice a day.
"K-Kazuma!" Aqua's voice was even shriller than normal, and he turned to face her.
"Yeah, I know I'm Kazuma," he replied before looking over at what the useless goddess was pointing at. Sure enough, another horde of zombies and skeletons was creeping up on them. "Lurk."
"What, no! Kazuma! You can't just leave me here!" Aqua cried and slumped to the floor as Kazuma vanished from view, holding a hand out to where he had been.
He didn't let that stop him, though. This was her mess and he wasn't going to get involved again. He was a firm believer in gender equality, after all, whether that meant dropkicking a girl who deserved it or letting a woman get beat up as a consequence of her own actions! Even if said actions were just existing… and she really was genuinely crying at this point, not the fake crocodile tears she sometimes gave…
Damn it!
"On my signal, start spamming your holy spells!" Kazuma rushed back and grabbed Aqua by the wrist, jolting Aqua back to reality. "Now!"
Kazuma activated his Flee ability, running away from the enemies with at least twice his normal speed, dragging a flailing Aqua around behind her. Aqua, for her part, actually managed to follow his instructions and started firing off random Turn Undead spells in the general direction of the oncoming mass of monsters. Few of them actually hit, as aiming was nearly impossible when she was being tossed about like a windsock in a storm, and she threw in a few casts of Nature's Beauty for some reason, but it was enough to hold them back. Before Kazuma knew it, he was running back into the light of the sun.
"Ah, there you are! I was starting to get worried." Darkness perked up as she saw them. "Wait, what's wrong? Were you fighting monsters without me?"
"No time, just get in the truck and let's go!" Kazuma shouted, not slowing down at all.
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
Kazuma had managed to forget that they still needed to pick up the others on their way back, but Elsie remembered and picked them up on the outskirts of town. Keima and Megumin had both managed to get pretty banged up but it was nothing that Aqua couldn't heal almost instantaneously. The two groups shared stories on the way back to the mansion, filling each other in on their respective adventures.
"And that's how I singlehandedly defeated an entire army of golems!" Megumin exclaimed proudly as she wrapped up her obviously embellished tale.
"I only remember there being two," Yunyun muttered quietly, then turned to Kazuma. "Oh, um, I think Keima had something for you."
"What?" Keima looked up from his game machine at the sound of his name. "Oh, yeah. Wiz, can I see the bag?"
"Sure, here you go." Wiz handed him a simple-looking burlap sack.
To Kazuma's mild surprise, Keima reached his entire arm down the not-particularly-large bag and seemed to rummage around inside for a moment before pulling a flippin' katana out of the thing. He needed one of those bags. It would have been so much easier to carry around loot with one of those things. Oh, and the katana, he did still want one of those, too. He took the sword from his companion and turned to Aqua.
"I thought you said they didn't have these in Belzerg?" he asked her.
"No, I said they don't fit in with the medieval fantasy theme," Aqua countered. "I didn't say they didn't exist here."
"We're riding in a modern-day fire truck and I just fought a robot samurai in an airplane hanger full of robot angels armed with machine guns," Keima argued. "The fantasy theme is dead to me."
"Wait, Megumin wasn't making that part up?" Kazuma questioned, then turned back to Aqua. "How did something like that end up in Belzerg?'
Aqua just shrugged. "I don't remember."
Great. Of course, the useless goddess was useless. Kazuma decided to just forget it and focus on his new sword instead. He would have given it a few test swings but lacked the room to do so in the back of Elsie's firetruck.
"Hm, not bad," Kazuma muttered. "But it needs a name."
"Chunchumaru!" Megumin blurted out. "Its name is Chunchumaru!"
"No," Kazuma looked up at the crazy girl. "Just… no."
"Hey, we're here!" Elsie yelled back from the driver's seat as the truck slowed to a stop. "Looks like someone's waiting for us, though."
"What?" Kazuma set his new sword down and rushed up to the front to take a look. Sure enough, there was a group of people waiting outside the front door of the mansion. Most of them were soldiers, by the look of it. Of course.
"I don't think they've noticed us," Kazuma said. "Try to sneak around back and maybe they won't spot- never mind they saw us. Ugh, just park and we'll get this over with."
Elsie did as instructed and the expanded party got out of the truck as the armed procession marched up to them. While most of them were soldiers, they were led by a tall woman in glasses, a dark blue uniform and long black hair.
"Is one of you Keima Katsuragi?" the woman asked, though her forceful tone made it come across as an order.
"That would be me," Keima replied, shoving his game system into his pocket. It seemed even the dating sim addict knew that there was no use denying it. He'd only be delaying the inevitable, after all.
"You are being charged with destruction of private property and suspected treason against the Kingdom of Belzerg."
"There must be some mistake," Wiz stepped forward. Bless that woman. "My shop was the one that was damaged and I'm not pressing any charges."
"I take it that you must be the Arch Wizard, Wiz." The woman glanced down at some documents she was carrying. "While your shop was at the epicenter of the explosion early this morning, it was not the only building affected. Several other buildings in the vicinity were damaged, including the Elroad Embassy. Keima Katsuragi is now suspected of attempting to start a war between the kingdoms of Belzerg and Elroad. The fact that you immediately fled the scene of the incident certainly doesn't help matters."
Kazuma didn't even need to look at Keima to feel his death glare. That had been Kazuma's idea, hadn't it?
"I assure you this is all just a big misunderstanding," Keima informed them. "We'll have this whole thing cleared up in no time."
"We'll see," the woman replied. "We'll see."
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
War was raging on the fields of Eastern Germania. Imperial armies clashed against the 'barbarians' who called this land home. Multiple tribes had come together to fight off the attack. Steel stuck against iron but while the Roman forces should have had the advantage, the tribesmen were still able to pull through and gain the upper hand. Their victory seemed assured.
Then the dragon attacked. A mighty frost drake, tamed by the fabled beast masters of Rome, its silvery blue scales reflecting the light of the midday sun with a brilliant and awesome radiance unlike the dull earth drakes that the tribesmen were used to facing. As it approached the dueling armies, its Rider and master signaled the order for it to attack, and the dragon let fly a stream of freezing, whispy smoke that seemed to reduce everything it touched to naught but icy husks. Over three hundred men died in the first blast, and neither dragon nor master seemed to care that their own men were caught in the attack. All seemed lost and many fighters from both sides attempted to flee, to no avail.
Though the world seemed to fall apart around her, Gaina, the queen of the Goths, stood firm. Her grip tightened around the hilt of her spear and she prepared to give everything to slay the terrible beast. She had no heir but she knew that her people would be able to continue on without her if she could just manage to defeat this foe before it could find their hidden village. She uttered a prayer to the war god Fairguneis and felt his holy energy fill her bones, strengthening her and giving her the durability that she would need. The blessing would not last long, so she would have to make every moment count.
"Stand tall, my daughter." A mighty voice resounded through her heart, not heard but felt. "You have led your people well and as reward I send you my new champion. Receive him well."
A mighty cry of righteous fury sounded from the distance and all turned to face the new arrival. A man ran over the hills, raising a mighty ax above his head, larger than any Gaina had ever seen before. She gasped as the stranger lept through the air, practically flying as he met the frost drake and, to the astonishment of all who witnessed the event, beheaded the beast with one powerful slash. The headless dragon fell to the ground, rolling over in the air so that it crushed its rider on impact. The dragonslayer, Fairguneis' champion, struck a pose as he crashed to the earth and held the drake's head high for all to see. As the others stood by, watching in awe, Gaina rushed to the new warrior and knelt before him.
"Thank you, Champion," she said. "You have saved the lives of all those here. Please, what is your name?"
"I am Grognar," the man replied. "Nice rack, you available?"
That was the day that Gaina met her future husband and the day that Grognar received his wish that Aqua had promised.
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
In the next exciting chapter of God's Blessing, God Knows: The Interrogation Of This Reluctant Casanova!
"Eh, it's nothing." Kazuma took a drink. "Wait, what would goblins do with socks?"
The plan apparently wasn't working well enough. Sena was surprisingly sharp compared to what Keima was used to seeing from a denizen of Belzerg. Perhaps he was wrong for assuming that his party members and their associates were the baseline for what people were like here. Regardless, he was going to have to lay the charm on even thicker. He straightened his posture, relaxed his shoulders and clasped his hands together in front of his face in a show of contemplation as he stared Sena directly in the eyes with a look that should hopefully come across as if he were staring right through her.
Less than two minutes later, Kazuma was lying face-down in the muddy alley below while Chris ran off with a sack of underwear to return to their rightful owners. He was just glad that no one else was around to witness his moment of indignity. He'd likely never be able to live it down.
Author's Note: What's this, two dungeon exploration chapters in a row? Fun fact, by having them explore Keele's Dungeon at this point in the story, it simultaneously happens both sooner (anime timeline) and later (book timeline) than in canon. I wasn't originally going to include it at all but when I was rewatching the anime last year to help with planning out the early parts of this story, I realized that it could make for some good character moments between Kazuma and Aqua, and help push them in the direction that I want those characters to go. But then I felt it was a bit too similar to the canon version, so I had Darkness and Elsie come with them instead of waiting outside as I had originally planned (since Darkness wouldn't be able to see and it would make for a good opportunity for her to train Elsie). Hopefully, this wasn't too boring and I'll try not to stick so close to how things played out in canon when adapting later storylines
I also included a bit of worldbuilding here that may or may not be important later. I apologize if my attempts at expanding lore contradict anything from the books that the anime hasn't gotten to. As I've mentioned before, I haven't gotten around to reading them yet. Just think of this story as an AU because I will be playing fast and loose with some stuff later on.
Also, that ending joke kind of ran away from me but I hope you liked it. First those goblins and now "Grognar", I'm having fun isekai-ing random people out of Belzerg. Not sure if I'm going to keep using this running gag or not, though. It feels like something that could grow very stale, very quickly if I overuse it.