Chapter 9: A Concert For This Empty Church!
"Explosion!"
A mighty rumble shook the landscape as the ruins of an old castle went up in flames, the sheer force of destruction and devastation unlike anything short of a natural disaster. This was a normal, almost daily sight in these regions, of course, and the source of the mighty meltdown slumped into the arms of her eternal rival now that her task for the day was complete.
"Do you really have to do this every day?" Yunyun asked the smaller girl.
"Of course!" Megumin replied as if it were the most obvious thing ever. "They say that it takes one hundred hours to master a skill, which means that I must take on a thousand if I am to be the greatest master of Explosion magic that the world has or will ever see!"
"I… don't think that's how that works." Yunyun placed Megumin in the old wagon that she'd brought with her so that she could pull her along on the way back to the mansion.
"Of course it is," Megumin huffed. "I said so, didn't I?"
"I guess." Yunyun wasn't convinced but she started the trek back regardless.
"Hey, we're not done here yet!" Megumin shouted at her. "Cat's Eye still needs to take his turn!"
"You can't make me!" Keima yelled, storming over to them from the road. "And that's still not my name!"
"I managed to get you to come all the way here, didn't I?" Megumin pointed out. "Now strike that castle down, that your journey to the Explosion side might be complete!"
"I only chased you down because you stole my PFP!" Keima yelled. "Now give it back!"
"Not until you cast Explosion on the castle!" Megumin shouted back even though they were practically right next to each other at this point.
"Um, maybe you should just give him his seer stone back?" Yunyun glanced nervously between the two. She didn't like it when her friends fought but she wasn't sure how to get them to stop.
"Fine, if you won't hand it over to me then I'll just have to take it back myself!"
Keima bent over the side of the wagon and Megumin screamed as he began to run his hands thoroughly along her dress in pursuit of the stolen item.
"Hey, stop that! This is harassment!" Megumin squirmed as much as she could in her current, limp state. "Help! I'm being molested!"
"Keima!" Yunyun gasped. "You shouldn't treat a lady like that!"
"I'd hardly call this hellspawn a lady," Keima grunted. "Now where is it?"
"I don't have it on me, you idiot!" Megumin fumed. "I hid it back at the mansion!"
Keima stopped what he was doing and stood back up, staring daggers at the girl.
"You mean that I came all this way… FOR NOTHING!" Keima's rage seemed to reach new levels to the point where he was literally radiating heat. This was actually a common occurrence for new Wizards who didn't know how to control their magical output yet, which meant that Yunyun was going to have to add self-control to her lesson plans. As if she didn't already have enough on her plate.
"Just do as I say and I'll tell you where it is!" Megumin demanded.
"No!" Keima turned around and stormed off. "I'll find it myself!"
He took two steps, turned around, then marched back. Before Yunyun or Megumin could even question what he was doing, he reached down and placed a hand behind Megumin's neck.
"Freeze."
"Augh!" Megumin yelled as a cold shiver ran down her spine. "What was that for?"
"Everything."
"Please, stop it, both of you!" Yunyun begged. "Why can't we all just get along? Let's just go home and talk this out over some tea or something?"
"If I have to." Megumin shrugged, pointedly avoiding eye contact with either of them.
"Fine." Keima folded his arms and turned his back on them. "There are worse things that I could do with my time… LIKE CASTING EXPLOSION!"
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
The younger Katsuragi sibling was having a much better morning than her brother. Elsie was, at that same moment, taking a leisurely stroll through Axel with her new best friends, Darkness and Aqua. The trio of gaggling girls weren't making their way anywhere in particular, just enjoying the sights as they walked.
"Ooh, ooh, hey!" Aqua suddenly grew excited as they made their way down a side road. "I think my chapel is up here! Let's check it out!"
"Yeah, that sounds like fun!" Elsie agreed.
"I still have trouble accepting the idea that you're really the goddess of the Axis Order." Darkness shook her head. "But it does give me hope that someday I may be able to meet my own Goddess face-to-face as well."
"Hey, guys! What's up?"
The girls turned to see a short girl with silver hair and a scar across the left side of her face walking to them, holding a conspicuous bag under one arm while waving at them with the other.
"Oh, hello, Chris!" Darkness waved back. "We weren't expecting to run into you here."
"And I wasn't expecting to see you," the new girl, Chris, replied. "What brings you to this part of town?"
"We're going to go visit the Axis church that's down the street from here," Aqua explained. "Because Axis is the best church and you should all convert right now! I should know, they worship me, after all!"
Chris tried and failed to stifle a giggle. "Is that so? But are you sure that poaching my- Eris' followers is such a good idea? She might get jealous."
"Pfft, so what?" Aqua asked. "She's my junior, so my followers take priority."
Chris just shook her head and sighed, a bemused smile on her face. "If you say so. By the way, who's this?"
"Hi, I'm Elsie!" The girl in question answered, holding out her hand.
"Name's Chris." She shook the offered hand but the smile seemed to leave her face as she did so. "You must be the half-demon that I've been hearing stories about lately."
"That's right," Elsie said cheerily, completely oblivious to the new girl's obvious concern. "Nice to meet you."
"Alright, you've met so now let's go." Aqua walked off before anyone could object. "I want to see my church already!"
Darkness, Elsie and Chris all shared a look before hurrying after her. It didn't take long before they reached it. Or at least, the building that seemed to be the old church. It was rather hard to tell, what with it being in complete disrepair at the moment. The old stone walls were chipped, cracked and covered in ivy. The roof looked like it was missing about half its shingles and a pair of possums were holding a wrestling match in the open doorway. It seemed clear that no one had visited this place in many years, possibly even decades.
"What… what happened here?" Aqua slumped to her knees, completely distraught at the sight before her. "I know the faith has been wavering here, but this… this…"
"Um, Aqua?" Chris tapped her on the shoulder. "That's the old building. The current church is behind you."
"What?" Aqua looked up, as Darkness and Elsie both turned around.
Sure enough, a second, larger church building stood… not proudly so much as just defiantly, before them. It wasn't in great shape but it was certainly in passable condition. It even had a few spires sticking up from the roof, which Elsie found herself mesmerized by, and a large window in the shape of the Axis church's crest above the doorway.
"Oh, yeah, I forgot they built that." Aqua rapped her knuckles against her head, embarrassed. "That was only, what, seventy, eighty years ago?"
"Ninety-seven," Chris corrected her. "It, um, has the dedication year on the sign over there."
"Right, let's go inside!" Aqua charged in.
"You shouldn't run in a church," Darkness called out after her, though it was already too late.
"Well, it's her church," Elsie pointed out as they walked in after the goddess. "So I guess she gets to make the rules."
The church was grand but still rather straightforward in terms of floorplan and they all quickly made their way to the main chapel. The high ceiling was held up by a series of ornate arches that came down on either side of three rows of old pews lined up to face a large podium with the Axis crest carved into it. Behind that stood a marble statue of what looked like an older, more mature Aqua in flowing robes that did nothing to hide her generous figure. Despite the grandeur, however, the place still felt abandoned.
Elsie briefly realized that this was the first time that she'd ever set foot in a church and was very glad she didn't burst into flame for standing on holy ground, like some of her friends from the demon orphanage used to say would happen. She absently walked up to the podium.
"Hey! Hey, Cecily! Cecily! Wake up, it's me!"
Elsie turned around to see Aqua prodding a young woman in an ornate blue and gold habit, who had been sleeping on the front bench with drool running down her cheek and a huge bottle of booze clutched in her arms. The blonde woman, presumably a nun or priest or something of the Axis Order, suddenly bolted upright and jumped to her feet.
"I swear, officers, I thought she was eighteen!" Cecily blinked a few times as she took in her surroundings and glanced between her four sudden guests. "I mean, welcome, my children! What brings you to the Axis Order on this fine, goddess-blessed day? Are you followers of Our Lady, or are you wrong? Because we can fix that easily, I should have some papers here somewhere…"
Cecily's eyes widened as they darted back and forth between Aqau and the statue behind Elsie.
"Lady Aqua!" The Priestess dropped her knees and grabbed Aqua by her skirts. "It is an honor!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Aqua said with a nonchalant wave of her hand. "Why is this place so empty?"
"Well, um…" Cecily looked down. "I'm afraid that membership has been down lately. The people around here just don't seem to be interested in hearing your word, My Lady."
"Might have something to do with the only priest in town getting arrested," Chris muttered. "Several times."
"All love is good in the eyes of the Axis Cult!" Cecily reflexively snapped. "Hey, wait, aren't you that Eris Cult Arch Priest? What are you doing here, heretic?"
"Just thought I'd stop by to see how a fellow woman of the cloth was doing." Chris rolled her eyes. "Thanks for the warm welcome."
"Wait, you're an Arch Priest?" Elsie asked, confused. "No offense, but you don't really look like one."
"None taken." Chris shrugged. "I do hold that position within the Eris Order but my Adventure Class is Thief."
"I am also a member of the Eris Order," Darkness added, causing Cecily to glare at her.
"Lady Aqua?" Cecily turned back to her goddess. "Why did you come here with these Eris heretics? Is this a test? Am I supposed to convert them through the power of my faith in you?"
"Nah." Aqua shook her head. "Their faith may be misguided but they're still my friends. Even if they choose to follow a junior goddess who pads her breasts."
Chris blushed at that, and Cecily grinned slyly, eying the thief's slender build.
"You know, if you join the Axis cult, Lady Aqua here can help you grow your boobs out. Even if you're way more cute like you are now."
"That is true." Aqua nodded. "I do help my followers achieve their ideal selves."
"I grew two cup sizes after joining," Cecily said proudly.
"Three," Aqua corrected her.
"Can we all stop talking about breasts?!" Chris snapped. "I mean, er, there are other things to talk about… also, Eris doesn't pad."
"She does, though," Aqua said. "But yeah, we kind of got off-topic there. We need to find ways to drive up membership. And I think I know just how to do it."
Aqua and Cecily shared a huge smile as the other three watched, then spoke up at once.
"Bake Sale!" "Sexy calendars!"
An awkward silence filled the room as the two Axis women stared at each other.
"Well, I guess we can do calendars, too…" Aqua trailed off.
"No, no, you're right." Cecily bowed her head in supplication. "Bake sale."
"Okay, bake sale, calendars, what else…" Aqua muttered, mostly to herself. "Ooh, I know! We can hold a concert, too! What instruments can you all play?"
"I know the triangle and the flute," Cecily replied. "But with your blessing, My Lady, I know that I can fill whatever role you'll need me for. Preferably something that will catch people's attention. And by people, I mean cute girls-"
"I can play whatever." Chris shrugged, cutting the excited Priest off.
"I played the harp when I was younger but it's been some time since I've practiced and I wasn't that good to begin with." Darkness blushed, and Chris acted like she was about to correct her but seemed to come up at a loss for words. "I can model for the calendar, though. So many people… with lurid paintings of me in suggestive positions in their homes… It makes me excited to think what they might do."
"Ooh, I want to pose for the calendar, too!" Elsie chimed in, not realizing the implications of what she'd just said. "They were selling calendars at the local fire station when Mom took me to see the trucks but she wouldn't let me buy one for some reason. Ooh, and I was starting to learn the keyboard before I came here."
"We don't have those in Belzerg," Chris pointed out.
"But we can probably get you a piano to try…" Aqua started to say before turning to Chris. "Wait, how do you know what a keyboard is?"
Chris just stared at her for a few moments with an unreadable expression on her face. "...Mitsurugi told me?"
Aqua glared at her for a moment, then smiled. "I don't know who that is, but okay."
"You don't know who…" Chris muttered. "Didn't he try to kidnap you one time?"
Aqua blinked.
"Nevermind…" Chris shook her head. "I'll see if I can gather the instruments. You guys can get started on baking."
"I'll go with you," Darkness said quickly. "I'm, uh… not very good in the kitchen."
"Alright, then it's settled." Aqua slammed a fist down onto her open hand. "Although I'm probably going to be too busy painting the calendars to help with the baking, so that's going to be Cecily and Elsie's job. Even with my literally-divine artistic talent, it's going to take a while to make enough copies. Man, someone really needs to get to work and invent the printing press… and copy machines… You know, sometimes a medieval world can be inconvenient, even if it is more fun."
"What's a printing press?" Cecily asked, having mostly lost track of the conversation.
"It's a device that can make copies of paper fliers and stuff," Chris explained. "Um, or so I've been told?"
"You mean like a Copy spell?" Cecily put a finger to her chin in thought.
"Oh, yeah, forgot about that." Aqua shook her head. "That's make this easier."
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
Yunyun's tea party was running surprisingly smoothly. It was rare for the people she had invited to show up but Megumin and Keima were both seated around the small round table she'd set up in her room, as well as Wiz, who'd they'd run into on the way back, and Kazuma, who had just been sitting around in the living room. It felt almost strange, to finally have friends.
"So, what do we do now?" Kazuma stared down at the steaming cup in front of him. "Whenever tea parties show up in, like, movies and stuff, it's usually just one little girl and a bunch of toys, or the scene gets interrupted, or something."
"I've never actually been invited to a tea party before," Wiz notes, seeming thoughtful. "I'd always wondered what they'd be like, though."
"You just drink your tea and talk about stuff," Megumin explained with more than a hint of annoyance. "It's the most basic thing ever, how do you not know this?"
"We've also got scones." Yunyun held up a plate full of the small pastries.
"What even is a scone?" Kazuma asked as he grabbed three.
"What kind of tea is this?" Wiz asked, savoring the smell.
"Death Viridian," Yunyun answered hesitantly. "Um, it's not poisonous, despite the name."
"Ah, yes, that's a type of herb that grows near the Crimson Demon village, isn't it?" Wiz nodded satisfactorily before finally taking a sip. "I should have known. It's been too long since I've visited the village."
"Are all Crimson Demons so… eccentric?" Keima asked after finishing off a scone.
"It is our culture," Megumin explained proudly. "We are the pinnacle of magical excellence and it is only natural that our ways and customs reflect our dominance over the natural world!"
"Y-yes…" Yunyun glanced down nervously at her cup before a knock at the door interrupted their conversation. "Yes? Come in!"
The door opened and Darkness peered her head in. "Oh, there you guys are."
Yunyun perked up. "Oh, hello Darkness! Would you like to join our tea party?"
"That sounds lovely," Darkness shook her head, "but I'm afraid that I'm in the middle of something. Perhaps next time, though. Speaking of which, can anyone here bake or play an instrument?"
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
Kazuma looked down at a near-perfect recreation of Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam, but with himself with a fig leaf in the place of Adam and Aqua with just her raiment as God. The symbolism was not subtle at all. With a grimace, he set down the 'mixed model' calendar.
"I don't recall agreeing to this," he said to the so-called artist standing in front of him.
"What, you don't like it?" Aqua asked with an air of faux innocence. "And yet you liked the all-girl one, Kazutrash."
"That's different," Kazuma said defensively, though couldn't come up with an argument to back his claim. "I'm going to go see how they're doing in the kitchens."
He set down the calendar he'd been holding and didn't even spare a glance at the all-men one that Aqua had also tried to present to him. But he did manage to slip away with a copy of the girls version. It would likely come in handy, later.
"Hey, you've gotta pay for that!" Aqua called after him.
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
It was the mid-afternoon by the time the bake sale/concert had finally started, but that seemed to have played to their advantage. A lot of the local adventurers were just getting back from their daily quests and were drawn in by the wafting smells of the delicious baked goods, as well as the fliers that were being handed out around the city by the small handful of local Axis followers that Aqua had been able to round up. The church was now the most full that it had ever been since its dedication, with at least a third of the town's population having stopped by to at least get a look at what was going on.
Aqua herself was busy as the lead vocalist of her impromptu band, the other members of which cycled in and out throughout the evening to give everyone a break. Kazuma wasn't involved with that part but since not participating apparently wasn't going to be an option for him, he'd decided to help with the actual bake sale itself, sitting behind a table and taking people's money while they got to stuff their faces with danishes, strudels and other assorted pastries.
"This seems to be going well," Kazuma remarked as he handed another customer their receipt, which they had to sign as a confirmation of purchase. "Not sure that this is going to help boost your membership or whatever, though."
The woman in the seat beside him, apparently named Cecily, gave a wicked grin that should not have belonged on the face of a supposed holy woman.
"Oh, we have our ways," she whispered cryptically after handing a customer her baguette.
Well, that wasn't concerning at all. Kazuma decided to just ignore that for now and focus on handling transactions. The less he knew about whatever Aqua and this Priest were planning, the more plausible deniability he'd have if things went south.
"So, what's it like?" Cecily asked him after a while. "Living with Our Lady?"
"You mean Aqua?" Kazuma fought a chuckle. "I'd hardly call her a lady. She's a lazy, useless drunk who mostly just leaches off of me. I only keep her around because I'm stuck with her."
"But of course," Cecily nodded sagely. "Our goddess lives by her word."
Kazuma just stared at her blankly.
"I don't think that I even want to know what that means."
The next customer walked up to him and Kazuma looked up, only to freeze as he recognized the prosecutor from before.
"Hm…" Sena looked over the menu sitting on the table between Kazuma and Cecily, then pulled out a few Eris. "I think I'll try one of these 'Cinnamon Buns'."
"R-right," Kazuma accepted the payment and held out one of the receipts. "I'll just need you to sign here."
The dark-haired woman looked down at the paper being held in front of her, then back up at Kazuma. It was clear that she was not amused.
"You don't honestly expect me to sign that, do you?" she asked coldly. "This is an Axis Order sign-up form."
"Wait, what?" Kazuma took the 'receipt' back and actually looked it over, then glared at Cecily. "Hey, what gives?"
"Hey, it's not our fault that people don't pay attention to what they put their name on." She shrugged and held out a glazed spiral of cinnamon bread. "Here you go!"
"I've got my eye on you." Sena's eyes narrowed but accepted the pastry anyway before strutting off.
"Heh, like I haven't heard that one before," Cecily chuckled quietly as the next customer in line walked up to them.
Kazuma wondered just what kind of crazy cult he'd managed to get himself involved with. Oh, that's right, it was Aqua's cult. He wasn't sure why he was surprised.
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
Elsie might not have had very much experience with the piano, or any experience, really, but she was still having a blast. As long as Aqua was singing, the music just seemed to flow into her and her hands danced across the keys without missing a note even if she'd never heard the song before. And she hadn't heard any of these songs before, since she hadn't had the opportunity yet to familiarize herself with Belzerg music.
Despite how much fun she was having, however, eventually her fingers started to get tired from so much playing and as Aqua's latest power ballade came to an end, she had to sit back and stretch before getting up from the bench. An Axis Order member rushed in to take her place as Elsie walked off the stage and went to get something to drink.
"That was really good," a man standing by the refreshment table said as he handed her a goblet of wine.
"Thanks!" Elsie downed the wine in one go. "Aqua gave me some pointers earlier."
"Our goddess or the Arch Priest you were playing with?" he asked.
"Yes."
The Axis member stared at her blankly, not being holy enough to recognize that the two Aquas were one and the same.
"Okay, then," he said after a moment. "So, how long have you been a member of the Axis Order? I don't think that I've seen you around here before."
"Oh, I'm not a member," Elsie corrected him. "I'm just here to support my friend."
"Ah, I see." The guy nodded absently. "But have you considered joining up yourself? I can get you a free order of Axis Order Edible Soap if you sign up!"
"Edible Soap?" Elsie parroted.
"Yeah, I have a sample right here." The proselyter held up a milky white bar that smelled similar to and yet distinctly different from vanilla.
Elsie took the bar of soap from him and examined it carefully before taking a bite. The next thing that she knew, she was writhing on the floor with a seemingly endless supply of bubbles foaming from her mouth. Some would say that she never recovered from that incident, considering that she ended up signing up for the Axis Order anyway. Her personal hygiene also took a hit after that day thanks to her sudden aversion to cleaning products.
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
Keima was glad to finally get a break from selling calendars as he leaned against a wall in the least busy part of the church. He would have been playing his way through the third route of Doki Doki Hotel: The Place Where Love Stays the Night, but unfortunately he still hadn't gotten his PFP back from Megumin so he had to make do with simply standing there listening to Aqua's latest song.
"The birds fly high, o'er mountain sky,
'Cross desert, sea and forest,
What words they pray, I cannot say,
Just listen and you'll hear their chorus."
He could see the golden light of the sunset filtering in through the church's windows, signaling that dusk was upon them. The smart people (though clearly not smart enough to have not shown up at all) were starting to filter out and go home. He wished he could go with them but sadly he was stuck there until this whole event was over. Oh, well. He supposed that it really wasn't that bad.
"Blood has spilt, swords buried to the hilt,
The Devil King stands before us,
But do not fear, victory is near.
The Goddess will surely restore us!"
Keima heard a quiet shuffle nearby and turned to see Yunyun sliding up next to him, a nervous expression on her face. Then again, the poor girl always seemed nervous.
"The fish swim low, and yet they know,
That She will not ignore us,
What words they pray, I cannot say,
Just listen and you'll hear their chorus."
They both stood there awkwardly. Yunyun didn't seem to know what she wanted to say and Keima wasn't going to start a conversation if he didn't have to.
"Blood has spilt, swords buried to the hilt,
The Devil King stands before us,
But do not fear, victory is near.
The Goddess will surely restore us!"
As Aqua's latest song came to a close, Yunyun finally looked up and seemed to resolve herself.
"K-Keima," she started to say. "I-I was wondering if, um…"
"Um!"
Yunyun jumped, then closed her eyes and forced herself to say what she wanted. "I-I was wondering i-if you'd like to d-d-d-d… if you'd like to… If you'd like to dance? With me?"
No, he very much did not want to dance. He wanted to leave this stupid party, or whatever it was at this point, and go home. He wanted to get back to his game or maybe just go to sleep and put this whole wasted day behind him.
"Yeah, sure," is what he said instead.
Teacher and student, or student and teacher, it was hard to say which was which, stepped away from the wall and headed to the dance floor. Well, technically it was a chapel but the pews had been moved to who-knows-where so that it could serve as a dance floor. Not very holy but neither was the goddess they worshiped.
As if on cue, Aqua had her current bandmates start up a slow waltz before jumping off the stage to take a break from singing. Because, of course, her timing was going to be irritatingly impeccable. That style of music wasn't even period-accurate, but whatever. Keima and Yunyun turned to each other, both placing one hand on the other's shoulder and the other on their back. Keima took the lead, partly because it was tradition for the man but mostly because he was apparently the better dancer between the two. Although given Yunyun's friendless background it wasn't that surprising that she wouldn't have much experience.
"Step back with your right foot, swerve your left back and to the side, then bring your right foot back to your left," he instructed her. "Now, left foot forward, right foot back to where we started and left foot to your right."
Her steps were clumsy at first but after a few tries she finally started to get the hang of it and they found their rhythm. It wasn't the rhythm of the song being played but at least it was a rhythm.
"L-look, I'm doing it," Yunyun said excitedly as they continued to dance.
"Yep, now I think it's time to add the turn," he told her. "Just follow me."
As they continued their dance, and Yunyun reached a point where she was only stepping on Keima's foot about twice every full rotation, Keima found himself looking around to see if any of his other party members had gotten suckered into dancing as well. He was glad to see that he wasn't alone, as Aqua had somehow managed to pull Kazuma into a dance, and Darkness was with some noble-looking guy that he didn't know. Both pairs were clearly arguing, though Kazuma and Aqua were much more obvious about it. Sadly, Megumin had managed to avoid having to endure the slow dance but then again, who would have asked that maniac? She did seem to be giving Aqua the stinkeye, though. He didn't want to know what that was about. Also, Elsie was writhing on the floor over at the other end of the room. He was going to have to deal with whatever that was later, wasn't he? He also spotted Dust with the girl from his party, who he vaguely recalled being named Rin, and Luna from the Adventurer's Guild seemed to be dancing with that one guy with the mohawk he always saw lurking around.
"Keima?"
"Hm, oh, sorry." His attention was pulled back to his dance partner. "I was just checking on how everyone else was doing."
"Oh, okay."
He stared deep into her crimson-red eyes while she stared back into his framed brown. They were like characters in a romance novel for exactly 7.38 seconds before they both realized what they were doing and suddenly turned away, blushing.
"Y-your lessons have been going well," Yunyun said, trying to focus on something, anything else. "You've been making great progress."
"Thank you," Keima nodded, glad for the change in subject. "It helps that I have a good teacher."
Wait, no, that was the line to progress her route! He needed to back off, now!
"O-oh, thank you." Too late, she was blushing even harder than before and… oh, god no, she was pulling in closer. Gagh, now she was resting her cheek on his chest.
'Please, whoever's listening, please let this moment end,' Keima found himself thinking.
'Aw, but you two are so cute together.' Wait, was that Aqua's voice in his head? 'Okay, fine.'
He looked over the goddess in question, eyes wide, just in time to see her signal the band to wrap it up. The music slowed to an end, giving Keima the chance to pull away from Yunyun.
'Thank you. Never read my thoughts again.'
'You're the one who's praying three meters away from a goddess!'
Keima ignored her as he bowed.
"Thank you for the dance," he said to Yunyun, his ingrained sense of politeness working against him. He was about to follow that with 'But I think we both got caught up in the moment' but then the music started up again. This time it was a tango.
'Go get 'er, Tiger!'
'I hate you.'
'You don't mean that. Now I just need to get back to Kazu- Nope, Darkness got to him first. Oh, well, guess I'll ask Cecily.'
'Get out of my head!'
'Stop praying!'
As Keima pulled out of whatever weird psychic nonsense he'd accidentally ended up in, he realized that he had his hand on Yunyun's back while hers was on his shoulder again, their other hands clasped with intertwined fingers. Stupid mental autopilot, it was too late to get out of this now.
It turned out that the tango was a far more complicated form of dance than the waltz and one that Keima wasn't even all that familiar with, let alone Yunyun. The result was about as bad as could be expected. Keima wasn't even sure how they'd managed to screw up so badly that he ended up flat on his back with the Crimson Demon sitting on his chest, looking down at him.
"O-oh, I-I'm so s-sorry," she stammered, looking like she was about to die of embarrassment.
"It's fine, just get off of-"
"Keima Katsuragi!"
Keima's heart stopped as he looked up at the familiar black-haired woman who had just walked up to them. This was just about the worst possible thing that could happen at that moment. Not helping matters at all was that she was just a step or two too close, giving him an inadvertent (he assumed) look up her skirt. He tried desperately to make eye contact while avoiding looking at the purple silk just above her leggings. It was a challenge from that angle.
"Sena!" he said, or rather, gulped, as Yunyun climbed off of him. "I can explain."
"No need, I saw what happened," Sena dismissed it, her voice just a bit too frosty. "That was quite the spectacular fall. I hope you didn't get hurt because I came here to tell you that I've worked out your payment for the building repairs."
"O-oh?" Keima sprang to his feet as Sena pulled out a sheet of paper. "How much is it?"
"I'm sure that you'll be glad to hear that you won't be paying a single eris." Sena smiled but the look in her eyes told him that somehow wasn't good news. "I've arranged a deal on your behalf with Lord Aldarp. He'll be paying all of the repairs himself, provided that you and your party complete a quest for him."
She handed Keima the quest notice that she'd been holding. The first thing he noticed was the dozen red skulls stamped around a detailed sketch of a large tree before his eyes finally settled on the words 'Retrieve the Golden Apples'.
"You have until the end of the month. Failure to comply will be met with imprisonment, pending execution." Sena turned and started to walk off before stopping and looking back over her shoulder at him. "Consider yourself served, bastard."
"That…" Keima paused, still working out what had just happened, "could have gone worse, I guess."
Yunyun seemed to disagree with him, though, with the way she was staring at the quest notice in his hand. She looked like she'd just witnessed a murder.
"I'm missing something, aren't I?"
He was met with a silent nod.
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
In the next exciting chapter of God's Blessing, God Knows: The Guardian Of This Sacred Forest!
"We have to do what?" Kazuma shouted angrily as he slammed his hands against the old mahogany table for dramatic effect.
"I, for one, think that we should face this challenge head-on!" Darkness stood up and slammed a hand on the table as she spoke. Thankfully the table was strong enough not to break. "Can we even call ourselves adventurers if we refuse to take an adventure that's practically thrown into our lap?"
"AH-HA!" Megumin climbed onto her chair so that she could plant a foot on the table dramatically, holding her arm out. Her eyepatch also seemed to have spontaneously glued itself to her face. "You see, not only are the apples of legend protected by the sheer magnitude of the legendary world tortoise, but legends also speak of a legendary guardian who guards the legendary tree! And that legendary guardian is none other than the legendary God of Dragons!"
Author's Notes: I had two ideas pop into my head when trying to decide what to do with this chapter: 'bake sale' and 'concert'. I ultimately went with both and things built up from there. This chapter was a lot of fun to write and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Darkness playing the harp (and being so bad at it that not even Chris can claim otherwise) was just something that I made up on the spot because I thought that it fit. Elsie playing the keyboard/piano was a result of me misremembering what role she had in the 2-B Pencils (she's actually the bass player) but I decided to keep it anyway. The 2-B Pencils hadn't even formed yet when she died in this timeline, so she wouldn't know how to play the bass guitar at this point, anyway.
I'm not sure why I tried writing song lyrics, considering how completely out of my wheelhouse that is but I guess I just felt like trying something different. Aqua's song here was originally going to be a dwarven drinking song, and I based it on the dwarf songs in Tolkien's The Hobbit, but as the lyrics came together it ended up as some sort of old hymn.
Next up, we've got a two-parter based loosely on Konosuba season 2's opening but with a lot added on to it. We've got Aqua fistfighting a dragon and what more could you possibly ask for?