Chapter 12: A Wake-Up Call For This Pent-Up Fool!
A day after the golden apple fiasco, Kazuma found himself lying on the couch in his living room. Or foyer, or whatever it was called. All this upper-crust living stuff went over his head. It was the room with the biggest fireplace, which was all that he particularly cared about at the moment. Winter was nearing its end but it hadn't quite left yet.
He was alone, apart from Keima playing one of his games on the other couch. Megumin and Yunyun had left for Megumin's daily explosion, Darkness had been called home for some urgent family business that Kazuma hadn't bothered listening to the explanation of, and Aqua and Elsie were who the hell-cares. It would have been a perfect morning if only Kazuma wasn't so damn restless.
His legs fidgeted as he stared up at the ceiling in irritation. He really needed to… unwind… after all the chaos. But even though he was (mostly) alone and had the privacy of his room available, or even the bath if he wanted, he just couldn't manage to get far enough along. He could swear he heard a little girl giggling whenever he started and that was a huge mood killer. Living in a haunted mansion certainly had its issues even if what's-her-face was pretty chill most of the time. Unfortunately, Kazuma wasn't into voyeurism, at least not on the receiving end. Darkness probably was, though. Hm, he wondered if he could-
"Would you stop that!" Keima yelled. "You're giving me a headache!"
Kazuma hadn't even realized that he'd been kicking the wooden armrest. He let out a frustrated sigh and sat up on the seat as he straightened his tracksuit jacket.
"Ugh, I need to get out of here," he grumbled and looked over. "Hey, want to go grab brunch or something?"
Keima looked up from his game, a sour look on his face. Kazuma had spent the best years of his life holed up in a room playing games almost non-stop, even prided himself in how much time he would spend on them, but even he didn't think that he could do as much Keima. He'd even heard from Elsie that she'd seen him play on at least a dozen different consoles at once for extended periods when given the chance. Life goals, right there.
"Eh, sure." Keima shrugged before turning his gaze back to his game. "I could eat."
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
After getting changed into his adventuring clothes and freshening up a bit, Kazuma hit the town with a casual stride. Keima, naturally, just got up and went without doing anything but continue playing one of his dumb dating sims yet somehow still looked like he'd just walked out of the pages of a shojo romance manga. Bastard.
Despite being the one to suggest going out for food, Kazuma didn't actually know where he wanted to go. He really wasn't in the mood to hang out at the Adventurer's Guild at the moment but he hadn't spent any time checking out other places to eat despite having now spent several months living in Axel. So, he just wandered through town looking for someplace to catch his eye, like that café on the corner up ahead.
"Hey, how about-"
"-No."
Kazuma stared at Keima. That answer was certainly quick, and firm. Did he have some kind of bad experience there or something? Kazuma would have asked about it except for the little fact getting in the way that he didn't care. Instead, he turned a corner and looked for someplace else. Instead of a restaurant, though, he spotted two familiar adventurers pacing suspiciously in front of a shady alleyway. He walked up to them quietly while Keima followed a few steps behind, not even looking up.
Dust, the blond Warrior who wore his usual red jacket and brown trousers, and Keith, the black-haired Archer in a fur-lined blue coat, both glanced around before leaning into the ally. Kazuma had met these two a while ago, both members of another adventuring party alongside a Priest and Wizard. Kazuma had even swapped parties with Dust one time, and Keith had taught him a few Archer skills after that. What they were doing right now, though, he had no clue.
"'Sup, guys!" Kazuma waved a hand as he approached, causing both men to jump like a ghost had just waltzed over their graves. "What're you two up to?"
Dust and Keith snapped their heads around to see who had caught them doing something they apparently shouldn't be and gave a synchronized sigh of relief when they saw him.
"Dang it, Kazuma, don't sneak up on us like that," Keith muttered. "Especially not here of all places."
"Why, is there something important down here?" Kazuma asked, peering down the relatively normal-looking alley.
"What?" Dust looked at Kazuma like he'd just grown a second head. "How have you of all people not been here before?"
"How the hell should I know if I don't even know what 'here' is?" Kazuma pointed out, then turned to Keima. "Hey, do you know what's going on here?"
"You ask me that like I ever go anywhere of my own volition," Keima responded.
"Wait, hold up a minute." Keith looked back and forth between Kazuma and Keima. "So, are the rumors that I've been hearing true? You two aren't-"
Suddenly, Keima's wand was jammed into Keith's neck, a murderous look in the Wizard's narrowed eyes.
"If you even suggest what I think you were about to say, then there won't be enough of you left to revive by the time I'm through with you, got it?"
"Yes, yes, yes," Keith whimpered while Kazuma and Dust looked on in horror.
"The hell was that about?" Kazuma asked as Keima lowered his wand, understandably confused by the sudden outburst. "What rumors?"
"Slander and blasphemies that should not be uttered by anyone who wants to keep their head," Keima said dramatically.
"What, you mean the rumor that you two are secretly gay lovers or something, and that's why neither of you are gettin' laid even though you're living with, what, five hotties now?" Dust said obliviously.
"Wait, what?" Kazuma blinked, slowly processing what the idiot had just said.
"I'm going to kill that woman," Keima grumbled.
"I will have you know that I am all about the ladies!" Kazuma suddenly flew into a rage.
"Even if I were gay, which I am very much not, do you really think that I'd be interested in this guy?" Keima pointed his thumb at Kazuma dismissively.
"Fair point." Keith nodded.
"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Kazuma rounded on Keima and jabbed an accusatory finger into his chest. "I'm a complete stud!"
"More like complete mud." Keima slipped his game system into his coat pocket and pushed Kazuma off of him. "You have the personality of a street thug and do you even wash your hair?"
"What? Of course, I do?" Kazuma huffed. "I just don't pamper myself the way you do, Mister 'Would-you-believe-that-I-just-woke-up-like-this?'. How long do you secretly spend in the bath, I wonder?"
"It doesn't take long at all, just use Darkness' shampoo," Keima said.
"Yeah, like I'm going to…" Kazuma blinked a few times. "Wait, have you been stealing Darkness' shampoo?"
"You and Yunyun are the only ones who aren't using her self-care products without asking," Keima explained. "And that's only because Yunyun asks first."
"Does she know?" Kazuma suddenly forgot his anger, genuinely curious about this new development.
"I don't know but this is Darkness we're talking about," Keima pointed out. "She probably fantasizes about what we do with her towel when she's not looking."
"Touché." Kazuma nodded, a lecherous smirk crossing his face. "You know, she probably wouldn't mind if I happened to 'accidentally' run off with a pair of her-"
"Okay, now that your little not-lovers' quarrel is over," Dust placed his hands firmly on Kazuma and Keima's shoulders, "let's get out of the main road before you draw even more unwanted attention to us."
"Ah, right, of course," Kazuma blanched as he ducked into the alley that he'd completely forgotten about, along with Dust and Keith who had to drag Keima with them. "So, what's this about?"
"Okay, we'll tell you but you've gotta swear to keep this a secret from the chicks," Dust whispered, pulling everyone into a huddle.
"Yeah, sure," Kazuma nodded, having no idea what was going on.
"I want nothing to do with this," Keima said, also having no idea what was going on.
"Okay, so you see those stairs down there?" Dust pointed to what looked like the entrance to one of those basement pubs. "This shop is run by succubi, who'll give you the sexiest, most erotic dreams you could ask for."
Jackpot.
"I'm in." Kazuma nodded enthusiastically.
"I'm out." Keima tried to walk off but got pulled back into the huddle.
"Oh, no you don't," Dust said in a harsh whisper. "You're a part of this now, so you're going in with us."
"What does it take to get you to take no for an answer?" Keima groaned.
"Don't be such a spoilsport," Kazuma told him, inching towards the miracle shop, that doorway into heaven. The succubus shop… or the Succ Shop. He was definitely calling it the succ shop. "What have you got to lose? Now, what the hell are we waiting for? Let's go?"
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
Kazuma's paradise was Keima's hell. What did he do to get dragged into this mess?
The succubus shop was… exactly what he expected it to be like. God knows he'd never been to a strip club before but he knew what he was looking at. Rose-tinted lighting, jazzy music in the background and dozens of mildly demonic-looking women of all body types and hair colors dressed, if you could call it that, in a variety of skimpy fetish outfits that covered around 20~30% of their bodies. They were the worst kind of women. 3D women.
"Welcome!" The most voluptuous of the succubi, with pink hair that went well past her hips and a ridiculously scanty outfit that he thought was supposed to be a maid uniform, walked up to them flanked by two others of her kind. Their long pointed ears and the small purple wings sticking out of their heads made them look far more like what Keima imagined when he heard the word 'demon' than his adopted sister. "Right this way, handsome."
The two pervs who now held the number three and four spots on his shit list were led off by two of the succubi, while Kazuma followed after the one who seemed to be in charge. Keima went along just so that he could get out of there faster.
"I don't recognize either of you," the head succubi said. He doubted he was going to learn any of their names and honestly, he didn't want to know so he decided to just mentally refer to her as Morrigan for now even if the hair color was wrong. "Is this your first time?"
"O-oh, um, yeah," Kazuma looked off to the side, clearly embarrassed.
"Let it be known that I am here against my will," Keima muttered.
"Oh, well that's no good," Morrigan said, turning her focus on Keima and… gently brushing her hand against her boob. Why? "We succubi have a mutually beneficial relationship with the male adventurers of this town. We allow them to live out their fantasies through dreams when they find themselves in circumstances that leave them… unsatisfied, in exchange for just a little bit of their vitality, not enough to affect their daily lives in any notable way. But of course, consensuality is an important part of this arrangement, so you shouldn't be here if you don't want to be."
Keima mulled it over in his head. This was his opportunity to get out of there while he still had at least a shred of dignity intact. On the other hand, he was already there.
"Do the dreams have to be erotic?" he asked, earning a surprised look from his 'host'.
"That's not the kind of question that we get very often," she replied. He couldn't quite tell but she seemed almost impressed. It seemed that for a succubi escort in a city full of supreme perverts, finding one guy who wasn't into that sort of thing must have been a rarity. "Unfortunately, yes, that's how our powers work. You can have almost complete freedom in what dreams you order, down to the last detail, but they do have to draw out your lust for us to feed. They don't necessarily have to go… all the way, if you catch my meaning. That part will be up to you, though."
"Fine." Keima rolled his eyes. He just knew that he was going to regret this. "I might as well hear you out while I'm here."
"Haha, I knew there was a fellow pervert in there somewhere." Kazuma wrapped his arm around Keima unprompted, kicking Keith out of the number four spot on his list.
"Don't touch me." Keima pulled his hand off forcefully.
"Alrighty then!" Morrigan smiled and bent forward, deliberately sticking her ass out in the air. "Please take your seats right over here!"
She brought Kazuma by the hand to an empty desk, one of many lined up against the wall and separated by dividers for an illusion of privacy. Keima followed but another succubus carrying a stack of papers walked into him and they both fell into a heap on the floor, with Keima on top of the demonic girl who didn't look much older than Megumin. He doubted she was actually that young, though. She was probably just trying to appeal to lolicons or something.
"Ooh, I'm so sorry," the succubi apologized as Keima scrambled off of her. Getting a good look (more than he'd prefer) he noticed she had a pale pink bob cut and he decided to mentally call her Lillith to keep with the theme. She was wearing lacy black and pink lingerie that didn't suit her figure at all. She was better suited to a schoolgirl outfit or perhaps a one-piece swimsuit. "Are you alright?"
'I'm fine," Keima grumbled as he started picking up some of the papers she had dropped. "What about you?"
"O-oh, I'm fine," Lillith replied as she also gathered the papers, which Keima noticed were filled-in dream orders from the various adventurers. "I'm sorry for being so clumsy."
"That's nothing to apologize for," Keima said absently before he picked up one specific form that caught his attention. Looking up to see that Lillith was busy scrambling to get all of her forms in order, Morrigan was getting Kazuma settled and no one else seemed to be looking, he pocketed the form.
It didn't take long before the young succubi had all (or so she thought) of the forms back in her hands and she bowed politely.
"Sorry again for the trouble, thank you for your help," she said.
"What happened?" the elder succubi asked as she walked over. "Are you causing trouble for the clients again?"
"I-I'm sorry," Lillith stammered and seemed to flinch. Keima wasn't sure if that was a sign of past abuse or if it was just her personality. He decided to assume it was the latter, mostly because he didn't want to get involved with anything.
"It was nothing," Keima said, almost automatically.
"Alright," Morrigan smiled and rubbed her hand suggestively across her exposed belly. Seriously, woman! He got the picture already! "Take a seat right over here, please."
Keima did as instructed and sat at the next booth over from Kazuma as an empty form was placed before him alongside a pen.
"Please fill out this form and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask," she said, leaning forward. Despite himself, Keima was finding it increasingly hard not to gawk. Probably some kind of magic, or so he hoped.
Keima looked over the form, which seemed pretty detailed in terms of how customizable the dream could be. He could even choose who or what he wanted to be if he so chose. It all seemed fairly straightforward, though one thing did come to mind as he glanced back up and caught a glimpse of Lillith out of the corner of his eye.
"So, these dreams are delivered, right?" he asked. "Which means that a succubus has to come to us to make the dream?"
"That's right," Morrigan nodded. "Do you have a preference for which girl you'd like to deliver your dream?"
"That's not it," Keima shook his head and pointed over to where Kazuma was sitting. "We live with a high-level Arch Wizard who hates demons. She's set up wards and stuff to keep them out and will probably attack on sight if she catches any near the mansion. I'm not sure that anyone other than my sister would be able to get in without any trouble."
"Oh, yeah, I didn't even think of that," Kazuma said, sounding dejected. "Aqua'll probably make it impossible for you to get in."
"Oh!" Morrigan gasped and actually seemed to drop her oversexed act for a moment, thank goodness. "Thank you for the advanced warning. I'll make sure to take my best girl with me to deliver your dreams personally this time. If we can deliver them tonight, then I can judge who'll be up to it for any later services. If we can't, then we'll give you your eris back along with a pair of 20%-off vouchers for the inn just above us, which we also own. We also offer other services there for whenever you have someone special to take with you, if you know what I mean."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it." Keima rolled his eyes and looked down at his form. After he started to fill it out, Morrigan walked away and he pulled out the form he'd snatched earlier.
At the top of the paper, the name of the person who was currently in the number one spot on his list was filled out. Sena, that bitch. He certainly hadn't taken her for a corrupt official. Easily persuaded, perhaps, but patronizing a likely very illegal sex shop, basically a demon brothel, was beyond what he assumed her capable of. This would make good blackmail material if he ever needed it.
Then he actually read what the dream she'd ordered was. It was exactly the kind of thing that he'd expect from her at this point. Catching two young men in the middle of explicit acts and abusing her authority to coarse them into a threesome. That, on its own, wouldn't have been a problem. He'd figured out what she was into on their first/only date. The problem was that those two young men were himself and Kazuma. She even flat-out used their names on the form.
Now that was something that he couldn't let go unpunished. Glancing around to see that no one was watching, he edited a few things before slipping it under his own form to be handed back to the succubi when he was done. Oh, she'd have her dream alright. But let's see how she liked a taste of her own medicine!
"Hey, can it with the evil laughter." Kazuma stooped over the divider between their stalls and Keima clammed up instantly. His eyes grew wide and he let out a whistle as he saw what was on the form he was filling out, thankfully Keima's actual one and not the other. "Whoohoohoo! You're an even bigger perv than I thought, Keima. We'll make a proper lech out of you, yet."
Keima stared daggers at the younger boy, who dropped back down.
"Man, now I feel like I gotta step up my own game."
A few minutes later, Morrigan returned to collect their forms, not noticing the extra sheet of paper under Keima's, and filed them away with some others.
"Thank you for your patronage," she said with a wink before miming a very lewd act with her hand and tongue. "I'll be seeing you two tonight. Oh, and I almost forgot, please don't drink any alcohol tonight. It interferes with the mind and makes it impossible for us to work our magic."
"Noted," Keima nodded as he stood up, filing away the implication that alcohol could be used to ward off succubi and presumably other mind-altering demons. He had no idea if that would ever be useful to him at all, though. "Maybe that's why Aqua's always drunk."
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
After hanging out with the boys for the rest of the day, Kazuma and Keima returned home just in time for dinner. And what a dinner it was.
"Man, what's the occasion?" Kazuma asked as he walked into the dining room, the salty scent of delicious seafood hanging in the air. All of the girls were already seated around the table, which was covered in boiled crabs and very expensive-looking sake bottles. Kazuma didn't even realize that they had sake in this world. Then again, they had a lot of Japanese cuisine in this supposed medieval European setting. Probably a consequence of so many Japanese reincarnations, not that Kazuma was complaining.
"It seems that my father heard about our exploits with the golden apple quest and sent us a gift," Darkness explained.
"High-quality marbled red crab and this amazing top-shelf liquor," Aqua rambled while rubbing one of the bottles against her face like it was the most important thing in the world. She already looked plastered, while Emperor Zell rested atop her head. Kazuma could sweat that chick had already grown to nearly twice its original size. He just hoped that it wasn't some kind of giant chicken, like the giant toads that they always had to deal with.
"I can't believe that I'm about to sink my teeth into real marbled red crab." Megumin had her hands clasped together as if she were praying. Kazuma did not want to know what kind of god that maniac would be praying to, though. "I'm so happy that I joined this party."
"I'm just glad to be here with friends," Yunyun said but was ignored by everyone else as per usual.
"You guys took forever to get here." Elsie rocked back and forth in her seat. "Can we just eat already?"
"Everyone is here now," Darkness agreed. "So, let the feasting commence!"
Everyone dug into the meal with varying levels of gluttony and overenthusiasm. As Kazuma slurped up his first bite of precious leg meat, he could not believe how tasty that stuff was. He'd never eaten a crustacean that was so damn delicious and before he knew it, he'd already gone through a full crab. Most of the others weren't far behind, either. This meal wasn't going to last long. Aqua even held a crab leg up to her new pet, who greedily slurped up the contents while Megumin's cat Chomsuke hopped onto the table and dug into one of the crustaceans.
"Hey, Kazuma!" Aqua leaned forward, holding a crab shell full of tender meat. "Can you light this up for me? I know a great way to drink this stuff and I want to show everyone!"
"Here you go," Kazuma stretched his hand out towards a small flame grill set up in the center of the table, "Tinder!"
A small spout of flame erupted from his finger and ignited the grill.
"So, you take a shell full of crab meat and then…" Aqua dramatically poured sake into the shell and placed it on the grill until the booze started boiling. "It should be ready now."
Aqua took a long drink of her heated crab sake before letting out a content sigh as everyone watched. Then everyone scrambled to grab their own crab shell to try it out for themselves. Kazuma pulled up the shell of the crab that he'd been in the middle of devouring and reached for the closest bottle, then had to suppress a cry of pain from a sudden swift kick to his leg. He glared over at Keima and the others seemed to notice that something was wrong, turning their focus on the two boys. Then Kazuma looked back at the bottle and remembered. They were told not to drink any alcohol that night. Damn it! And this was likely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for him.
"Huh, is something wrong?" Darkness asked.
Kazuma closed his eyes and folded his arms, trying to come up with a reasonable excuse for not drinking. He may not have been an alcoholic like Aqua but it would still be notable if he turned down booze in a situation like this and he didn't want to give away their secrets. Keima was the first to speak up, though.
"I'm afraid that we'll have to abstain tonight," he explained and for a moment Kazuma was terrified that Keima was going to spill the beans. "We got suckered into helping some other adventurers with something tomorrow morning, Dust and his crew. And considering how difficult it's going to be for either of us to get up that early even under the best circumstances, it will be best to avoid the possibility of a hangover."
Clunky but that should pass.
"Oh, well, more for us!" Aqua said as Darkness pulled the next shell off the grill and began to sip.
"Ah, this is delicious!" Darkness smiled. "And so light!"
And of course, they had to make this harder for him. He envied Keima's resolve.
"Please, give me a sip!" Megumin whined, leaning over the table. "It won't hurt me or anything!"
"You are still a child!" Darkness grabbed the bottle and held it away from her. "Do you want your life to end up in the gutter?"
"Yeah, Megumin," Yunyun nodded. "We shouldn't be drinking this stuff yet."
Kazuma noticed Keima's hands twitch out of the corner of his eye but ignored it. He was too focused on holding himself back from drinking.
"I'll be taking this." Elsie grabbed the next crab shell before Megumin had a chance to snatch it, and drank the whole thing in one go. "Bless, that's good!"
Temptation was everywhere but Kazuma persevered. He was getting that dream.
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
The guild hall seemed unusually quiet even for this time of night as Sena wandered the premises. Usually, there were at least a few stragglers either too drunk to make their way home or otherwise up to no good. That was why she went on these nightly patrols, to catch any miscreants before they could cause any harm. It was her duty as a public defender, with no other motive or personal reasons.
Why else would she sneak into the men's bath but to make sure that no one was getting up to any shenanigans or tomfoolery? She certainly had no ulterior motives here. Nope, none at all. She definitely wasn't spying on men in the hopes of catching them naked and potentially… 'in the act'. Why would you even think that?
Speaking of which, she could hear sounds coming from inside and spotted two pairs of clothes stored on the shelves of the changing room. Jackpot! She recognized the red and green outfits as belonging to two notoriously troublesome adventurers that had been on her radar for quite some time now.
Stop asking why Sena would know the word radar. That was clearly just a narrative figure of speech with no diegetic explanation.
Anyway, Sena stared down at the clothes of Keima Katsuragi and Kazuma Satou folded up neatly and stuffed in baskets. She could faintly hear their voices coming from the other room and she wondered just what they could be getting up at this time of night. This required an investigation. And if she happened to see them both naked, well, that was just a part of the job. She definitely wasn't blushing at the thought of seeing them… together. That would just be silly.
Before leaving, however, her eyes fell upon Keima's boxers stacked with the rest of his clothing. Her mind flashed to how some of the perverts she'd caught creeping in the ladies' bath were known to steal women's panties for their sick, perverted fantasies. Somehow, that often involved sniffing them. Which was a pretty gross idea. Why would any sane person want to sniff someone's underwear?
Her curiosity caught the better of her and before she knew it, she had both boys' underwear pressed firmly against her nose. That was just as much of a bad idea as it seemed and she tried to get the scent of sweat out of her mind before she froze.
The voices had stopped and she could no longer hear running water coming from the baths. The door creaked open and she felt her heart stop for a moment before she quickly turned around, hiding the offending items behind her back. The two exotic young men walked up to her, both covered up by a pair of damnable towels hiding their nether regions. Not that she wanted to see those, of course.
"Well, well, well." Kasuma strutted towards Sena, leaning forward like some kind of punk. "What do we have here?"
"It seems that someone isn't as straightlaced as she pretends to be," Keima said as he approached her from the other side, pinning her to the spot.
"N-no, it's not like that," Sena stammered as she reflexively held out her arms to defend herself. Her eyes dilated as she realized that she was still holding the boys' trunks, which she was now not-so-proudly holding out to them.
Kazuma snorted and took a step closer. Despite herself, Sena had trouble not staring down at his glistening wet abs. "Well, this is certainly an unexpected development. What do you think that everyone else is going to think when they hear about this?"
"No!" Sena practically screamed. "You can't tell anyone! Please! My reputation would be ruined!"
"Hm, I suppose we could be persuaded to keep quiet about this," Keima said. "For a price."
The towels dropped, revealing their precious contents and Sena found herself unable to look away. She dropped to her knees, utterly defeated.
She would wake up the next morning deeply confused. Not because that wasn't the dream she had ordered, or anything rational like that. No, she was simply wondering why it had taken her so long to realize what kinks she was actually into. Because of course Keima's plan would completely backfire. Would you have expected otherwise?
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
The normal expectation for a videogame-playing shut-in like Keima was that they'd spend all night playing, only getting a token few hours of sleep in the morning before getting right back to it. That was probably how Kazuma was back home but not Keima. Sure, he spent an ungodly amount of time on his PFP that most sane people would be repulsed by and knew his fair share of late nights but there was a reason that he was a straight-A student and that was because he knew how to balance gaming and healthy living.
After all, sleep deprivation would only dull his ability to play. He needed a sharp mind to continue navigating the complex web of character and story intricacies that made up a good visual novel or dating sim. It was what made him the God of Conquest, rather than just another otaku NEET like Kazuma. It could be said that his entire life was built around galge.
So, who was Keima Katsuragi without them? What did it mean to be the God of Conquest in this new world? What would he do if he ever lost the magic cheat item now sitting on his nightstand?
These questions and others like them had been pressing on his mind more and more since coming to Belzerg. He'd been doing his best to drown them out, to double down on his passion, but that was all for nothing. More and more, he found himself forced to participate in the crazy fantasy antics that he didn't want anything to do with. Worse still, he was actually starting to like it.
Keima stared up at the ceiling, finding himself unable to fall asleep despite himself. He wasn't sure if he was actually looking forward to what would happen if he did or not but either way, he was too caught up in his own thoughts. After a while, he closed his eyes again and continued trying to force himself asleep.
"Man, that kid really wasn't kidding." Oh, and now it sounded like Sailor Moon was in his room. He must have finally fallen asleep, though that definitely wasn't the dream he had ordered. "I haven't seen wards this strong in centuries."
Keima cracked an eye open and saw that it was just the succubus that he'd nicknamed Morrigan earlier. That made more sense.
"Oh, still awake?" she asked.
"Haven't been able to sleep," he admitted.
"Ah, that's common for the first time. The anticipation tends to get to people. If you'd like, I can use magic to put you to sleep."
"Sure." Keima nodded. "Getting in here wasn't too hard, was it?"
"No, not at all," Morrigan shook her head. "It was actually kind of nice to stretch my stuff for the first time in a while. I hope you and your friend stop by more often, this could make good training for some of the other girls."
"I'm sure Kazuma will be one of your regulars," Keima replied. "I doubt I'll be coming back, though."
"Hm, too bad." Morrigan crawled into the bed, sandwiching Keima tightly between her thighs. If this were a comedy series, then this would be when someone would walk in and get the completely wrong idea. Then she leaned forward and put her hands on Keima's head while grinding up against him "I think I like you, but I suppose that can't be helped. Sleep."
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
Keima sat back in his chair. It had been too long since he'd been in his old classroom. Maijima Private High School's class 2-B. He'd spent a lot of time in this room before his death. So many galge playthroughs. Also school, but that was always secondary in his mind.
The room even smelled the way it used to, though a quick look out the window showed that the outside world was little more than a blur. This was just a dream after all. One that was already turning out more erotic than he would have preferred, given all the lewd and explicit sketches on the chalkboard at the front of the classroom, all surrounding the words 'Sexual Education 101'' in big block letters. He was already starting to regret this.
The door out into the hallway slid open and one of his classmates ran into the room, literally. Ayumi Takahara ended up tripping over his desk so that her butt was waggling in the air in front of him, barely covered by the shorts of her PE uniform which he could swear covered more skin than that IRL.
"Ow," the short-haired track star moaned as she stood up, rubbing under her shirt, which was already tied up to expose her midriff. Keima struggled to maintain eye contact. Despite his distaste for 3D girls, he was still a red-blooded male. "Oh, hi, Keima. Looking forward to class today?"
"No," Keima answered honestly. He could already tell where this dream scenario was headed and it wasn't quite what he wanted.
The plan was simple. By placing himself in this old environment while surrounded by the girls he'd had to 'conquer' back in his old life in Japan, Keima was hoping to use this as an opportunity to self-reflect and perhaps get some closure on that part of his life that his sudden and abrupt demise had prevented him from. Perhaps, by working out his feelings about his old life, he could come a step closer to figuring out what he wanted from his new one.
That would be why Ayumi was here, as his first 'capture target'. She was the first girl that he'd had to romance in order to capture a runaway spirit. His first kiss.
"Yeah, you wouldn't," Ayami pouted, apparently not happy with Keima's response. "But hey, since no one else is here yet, maybe we should get a bit of practice in before class starts. You know, make sure that we're ready for this? With your stamina, you'd need it."
By standard harem comedy logic, she'd be the 'right' choice for him to romantically pursue. After all, the first girl wins, as they say. But was he actually interested in her that way?
If he were being honest with himself, and at this point there was no reason not to be, no. He just wasn't into the athletic type that way. If he wanted to, he could possibly have made it work. She was the brawn, he was the brain. She was sweet and really did have a lot going for her, but… no. He just didn't feel that way about her. Perhaps as a runner-up (pun unintended) if his first choice didn't work out. Or if he ended up with an actual harem (a fate worse than death) then she'd certainly be one of the top picks.
"Perhaps another time," Keima said, trying to shut down anything before it could happen. "I think I hear footsteps."
That was a lie but the door opened again, anyway. Much more loudly this time as a girl with long blonde hair stormed in with her hand held in front of her chin.
"Hohoho!" Mio Aoyama gave a stereotypical 'noblewoman laugh' as she strutted into the room, blonde twin-tails swaying behind her. "I suppose that I can grace you peasants with my presence this fine day!"
The formerly-rich bitch stopped in front of Keima, sizing him up disdainfully with her eyes. The real Mio had largely dropped this persona since Keima had helped her come to grips with her father's death and her family's descent into the economic middle class, but it seemed this dream version was still the entitled tsundere he'd first met. She was also clad not in her school uniform but in a blue and purple dress that managed to leave her back exposed while also sporting a plunging neckline. He was pretty sure that she would have gotten expelled on the spot for wearing something like that, regardless of whether it was actually at school.
"A bit bland but you'll do," she said, turning her nose up at Keima.
She was going to be a hard pass. For as much appeal as her character archetype had in games, the real deal wasn't remotely worth putting up with.
As Mio walked over to her seat, the next capture target walked in. Kanon Nakagawa, the famous pop idol. Her pink hair was tied back with her usual big yellow bow but like the others, the rest of her outfit was of… questionable taste. Somewhere between a magical girl outfit and lingerie.
"Good morning!" Kanon bowed politely. "Let's all do our best!"
She was another maybe. She was cheerful, polite and overall had a lot going for her. But, she was also a dangerous attention seeker who relied too much on other people's opinions and, worse, was a big public figure with thousands of adoring fans vying for her attention. He had no desire to deal with that bull.
Next up was shy, quiet Shiori Shiomiya the future librarian, who snuck over to her seat without a word, trying to pull down the bottom of the red cardigan that seemed to be the only thing that she was wearing. At least that was comparatively better than the other's outfits.
Shiori lacked any real baggage compared to the other girls he'd had to romance so far, which was a definite point to her advantage. She was intelligent, too, having somehow managed to memorize the entire school library's book collection. Not just what books they had but the contents of each one. But she was also so shy that if he were to end up with her, or a girl like her, he'd likely have to carry most of the weight in the relationship as far as social interaction went and he wasn't exactly a social butterfly himself. Plus, she was a bookworm who didn't wear glasses and he was pretty sure that should be illegal or something.
And with Shiori in her seat, that unfortunately meant that it was time for his fifth capture target to arrive. Sure enough, Kusonoki Kasuga walked in wearing a martial arts gi that would have been completely modest if she had bothered to wear it properly instead of letting it hang loose. Keima was growing more annoyed with that succubus with every new arrival.
"I can't believe that they're making me retake this stupid class," Kusonoki grumbled as she entered the room, looking ready to kill someone. And she probably could.
She was going to be another pass. While she did have her sweet side, she was also a very headstrong person as to be expected of the heir to a martial arts dojo. They'd simply clash heads too much.
At least he could count on his sixth capture target, average high school girl Chihiro Kosaka to be dressed normally. After all, she was the most normal person that Keima… nevermind, apparently she was so bland that his subconscious couldn't be bothered to come up with a fetish outfit for her to wear, so all she had was her guitar case.
"Oh, is the teacher not here, yet?" she asked, blushing slightly as she walked past Keima who had finally reached a point where he was too riled up not to look. He rationalized it as succubus magic making him hornier than he'd be otherwise. And of course, he was free to rationalize whatever he wanted.
Getting back to Keima's running commentary on the girls who used to be a part of his life, Chihiro was boring. She was, as already stated, completely normal and average. She was a background character, an NPC. In a dating sim, she wouldn't have even been one of the options. She might not have even been drawn with a face. She could be a bit of a tomboy if she let herself loose but that was it. Even her attempts to stand out more hadn't managed to pan out, yet.
She was… actually not a bad pick? That didn't make sense. She went against everything that Keima's sensibilities told him that he should be interested in and yet… she was independent without crossing into brash territory. Cute, but not too much. Lacked any notable baggage, in terms of personality or history. She was just a girl.
Could she have been the secret golden route ending this entire time? But she was just a background NPC!
"Sorry, I'm late!" Before Keima could spiral any further into madness as he realized what his actual taste in women was, Jun Nagase the student teacher walked in. His last successful capture before his untimely death, Jun walked up to the blackboard in a rush, having apparently forgotten to put on pants that morning or to fully button her shirt. He was pretty sure that would not only get her fired but also arrested. Then again, it could also be considered one of the more tasteful outfits in the room at this point.
Another solid choice, though one that was societally off-limits to Keima. Not only was she an actual adult, but as a teacher-in-training, she was technically in a position of power over him. Their interests also didn't particularly overlap and he really wasn't interested in her that way even if she was a genuinely nice, if easily overwhelmed, young woman. Not really a proper love interest like the others but would have potentially made a good friend if he kept in contact with her after he graduated. If he hadn't died, that is.
Jun, or rather, Nagase-sensei, wrote her name up on the chalkboard, bending over to give the whole class a good look at her *ahem* assets. Keima started to turn away but stopped. With the 'plot' of this dream finally getting kicked off, it seemed that he likely wasn't going to get any more introspection out of this and, despite himself, he really was getting turned on at this point. It was a dream tailor-made to get him off, after all, even if that's not what he had wanted it for.
Keima finally caved and gave in to the dream. As long as he could remember the thoughtful parts of this experience when he woke up, he'd be able to finish in the morning... Wait, that was a bad way to phrase that. He actually did feel like he'd learned a fair amount about himself through this, so it wasn't a complete bust.
Things quickly escalated from there as 'class' started and Keima completely gave himself over to it. Just as it had kicked into high gear, however, the door slid open one more time and yet another girl walked into the room, though Keima was too invested in… other things at the moment to pay attention.
"Oh, that's right, I forgot!" Jun, er, Nagase-sensei… No, it felt too weird to call her that given the current situation. Jun spoke up once she'd pulled her lips away from Kusonoki's. "We have a new transfer student joining our class today! Why don't you introduce yourself to everyone?"
"Um…"
Keima's heart sank in his chest as he recognized that quiet voice. He completely tuned out everything else as he… well, he tried not to think about everything else that was happening.
"Muh-my n-name is… my name is, um, Y-Yunyun."
Keima turned around, wide-eyed, as the timid Crimson Demon turned her head to the side, trying very pointedly not to stare, dressed in a Halloween store sexy witch outfit.
Why?
Why had he put her on the list?
This Yunyun was taller than the real one. Slightly more developed. Older.
How old was the real Yunyun? Keima had assumed since he had met her that she was close to his age, if slightly younger. With her figure, he thought that she probably had to be sixteen, maybe fifteen at the youngest. He was seventeen, so it didn't seem like that big of an issue at the time. But… Yunyun was the same age as Megumin, wasn't she? And he had always pictured her at around twelve, though she was probably a bit older than that. Fourteen? That was technically of legal age even in Japan* but still.
*At the time this story is set. Japan's age of consent was raised from 13 to 16 in 2023.
Keima felt like he was about to be sick, but why? The games he always played almost always had at least one younger character in them. Lolis were in many ways one of the supporting pillars of his favorite genres. Even his beloved Yotsuba Sugimoto, the main heroine of his favorite game, One Leaf, who he'd always thought of as his ideal heroine, was a loli. It was like he'd been culturally conditioned to accept them as a valid option, so why… Why did he feel so dirty?
"I-I'll truh-try to d-d-do m-my b-best." Yunyun reached for the strap of her dress to pull it off, and Keima freaked out.
He pulled away from Chihiro and Kanon, wrenched Ayumi's arms off his chest, and backed into the corner of the room, nearly tripping over Mio and Shiori in the process.
"Huh, what's wrong, Keima?" Nagase-sensei asked, and for a moment Keima found himself unable to see her as anything but that, his teacher.
"D-do you n-not like me?" Yunyun turned around, clearly starting to cry. "Buh-but w-w were g-g-getting along suh-so well… I thought… I thought…"
Keima curled up into a ball, shaking and burying his head in his hands. This was wrong! This was all wrong! These were his classmates! He'd even go so far as to call some of them his friends! What was he doing?
Damn it! This was exactly why he wasn't interested in 3D girls! It was all so… so messy! With 2D girls, you didn't have to deal with any of this. They weren't real, you were free to feel however you wanted about them. But this? This felt like a violation.
All of the girls cautiously walked up to where he was huddled in the corner. He looked up despite himself, just in time to see them all shout in unison.
"Destroyer alert! Destroyer Alert!"
Keima shot out of bed, covered in a cold sweat. The Adventurer's Guild bell tower was ringing so loud that he felt like his head was throbbing from the sound. Luna the head receptionist's voice was sounded over their emergency speaker system, one of the rare modern luxuries afforded to this pseudo-medieval world.
"This is not a drill! The Mobile Fortress Destroyer is approaching!"
Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!
In the next exciting chapter of God's Blessing, God Knows: The Destruction Of This Wonderful Town!
Imagine, if you will, an indestructible giant, kaiju-sized giant robot spider that destroys everything in its path and had been on a rampage since ancient times and was responsible for the destruction of the most powerful and technologically advanced civilization in history. Now, imagine that indestructible giant robot spider was walking right towards you, leveling a forest in its way. That's what the current situation was.
Darkness stood valiantly in the middle of the rocky field north of Axel's gate. She was alone there, as the rest of the city's adventurers continued prepping their attack. That was fine with her, though. She would be their first line of defense. The one to shield them from harm with her own body.
The tremors that accompanied the Mobile Fortress' steps as it came into view reminded Darkness of those left by the Island Tortoise. It was far from the same, however. Whenever the great tortoise had taken a step, the quake it caused felt natural, like a part of the world. This, however, was anything but. It was as if the Destroyer's lust for violence and destruction emanated through the very ground it walked on. Despite herself, Darkness found her usual lusts replaced with genuine fear for her own safety and, more pressingly, the safety of those under her protection.
Author's Notes: Well, this was certainly the most uncomfortable thing that I've ever had to write so far. I've been going back and forth on whether I actually wanted to do this chapter for the last few months but ultimately decided to just go for it. It certainly helped me push my boundaries as a writer, that's for sure, though the version you just read is moderately toned down from my original draft. I didn't want to divert too far from the tone of the rest of the story for just this one chapter, after all.
Morrigan and Lillith, Keima's nicknames for the two succubi featured in this chapter, are of course references to the Aensland sisters from Darkstalkers. Why the dating sim addict would jump straight to a fighting game reference, I have no idea. But, to my knowledge the succubus that greets Kazuma and the others doesn't have an official name, and Keima would have no way of knowing that the younger succubus generally goes by the nickname Lolisa, so I had to call them something. For the record, if he used those names aloud, 'Morrigan' would accept the new name and openly use it as she'd like the sound of it and it would allow for easy identification without having to share her True Name, while Lolisa would have a minor panic attack at being called Lilith and quickly correct him with Dust's nickname for her.
The meat of this chapter, though, is Keima's self-reflection. This is also the point where it's probably the most obvious that I'm writing the World God Only Knows side of this crossover based off of vague memories of a show that I watched a decade ago, supplemented by wiki articles. I'm sure pretty much everyone is out of character but I guess that can be chalked up to the girls just being part of a dream based on Keima's memories. Anyway, I wanted to give Keima some level of closure since he's never going to see any of these girls again. (I had considered having Chihiro's band the 2-B Pencils and Kanon accidentally reenact Ai Mizuno's death scene from Zombie Land Saga so that they can inadvertently meet up with him again, but felt that would be too cruel. They all deserve long, happy lives.) Also, Keima finally realizes how young Yunyun is and more importantly that he's not comfortable with that age gap right now. This is going to be important to the development of both characters and the relationship between them. But before that can happen, a certain destructive spider tank will have to be dealt with.
The next chapter is going to be where things really start to go off the rails.