Transcript Excerpt 14: The Wellerman Comes
[Wellerman by Santiano & Nathan Graves]
That's right, you are not hearing things! In case you did not have your ears tuned to our signal, BBR is back on the air! And we are dishing out all the rock we can sling your way good people! Because the Fallen Serpent is here to save the mother fucking day, humies! The Pirate Cavalry is here, Jarheads and Soldier boys! Miss us? Admit it, you missed us!
I mean you had to at least miss me! Even after everything, I am still your purveyor of rock! Now, now, don't go calling up my switchboard or anything, I know what you are about to say. And you are right. I fucked up. We all did. I ain't denying it and if you are still mad at me, you are right to be angry. But I am still here with my crew to make that wrong right.
Chief Engineer Kaz is acting shipmaster for the moment. He is the one currently keeping the fucking Snarlies off your asses. He's green at the whole ship-to-ship combat thing, but I think he is doing a stellar fucking job so far. I mean, we just knocked an enemy frigate back from its attack position. That's something, right?
Me, I am just doing what I know I am best at. Injecting rock into every available second of your day! And a little to the Snarlies too since this is on broadband! So in light of that... HEY FLEET MASTER ZOM! Stick this in fucking ass-crack and smoke it, you brown-beaking piece of razor chum!
(Massive Fart Sound Effect)
HA HA! It's good to be fucking back! Let's fucking shake some fucking walls while we blast some Snarlies! This is the Buzzard Buccaneer Radio Comeback Tour, kicking in your eardrums and pouring metal into your fucking brain pans! Rock On, you beautiful sons of bitches!
[The Kids are Back by Twisted Sister]
So quick infodump, listeners. I know you might think our little Corvette and the Normandy aren't much against all these Snarlies. But don't fret! Zek is coming and he has got some major fucking backup that will be following him! ... We hope. I mean, it all hinges on one of his plans and all, but they work out more often than not! ... Except for the last one, but that is neither here nor there.
Report coming in from the bridge, we just took out an enemy escort Corvette and opened a hole in Snarlies screen! The souped-up gun on the Gettysburg just put a hole through an enemy destroyer and scared off a battlecruiser to boot!
And for the rest of you, don't you fret. We have some Phantoms being sent your way to assist in protecting the critical parts of the carrier from enemy fighters. We got your back out there, humies! This time, I mean!
Anyway, I will keep you updated on as much as I can as the fight goes on. That and keeping the rock alive! Let's hit up an old favorite band of BBR's for a bit! Just to really celebrate our return to the airwaves! And keep up the fire, Shipmaster Kaz! You are kicking some major ass out there!
[Revenge of Captain Morgan by Alestorm]
[No Grave but the Sea by Alestorm]
Fucking A, good news, we just landed a hit on an enemy frigate! Blew its hangar wide open! Excellent shot from our forward gunners! In fact, I am getting us on the line right now with one of our batteries. How is looking down there guys?
We are pushing coolant down these guns' throats and inputting all the targeting data sent our way. It's hard to keep up with it all, but nothing we can't handle.
We're really on our game today it seems. We keep scoring some killer hits.
Kaz knows his numbers. Course it helps when you got two synths feeding you data too. And we got another advantage seeing as we took out a lot of the automated systems to make room for more guns and rooms on this ship.
Aren't automated systems supposed to make ship to ship combat easier?
It does, but it breeds complacency, push button warfare. Any pirate worth his salt knows that an actual mind behind the trigger is always preferable to letting a gun shoot itself. Nothing against the technology, but you can always over-rely on something too much to compensate for your lack of skill. The Fallen Serpent tries harder! That's why we are so fucking badass! (Background Gun Battery Sounds) Oh, more targets coming at us! Gotta go!
Understood, forward gun battery, keep up the expert shooting! Well sounds like we got more problems coming our way. I will try to do my part beyond my usual duties. If you need to field communication efforts, simply contact our station and we will try to transfer you along.
Hey, you know we can do it! If there is one thing the schism proved its that I am actually pretty good at tech. You know, when there isn't a naked blue human lady running around my systems at least. So let me earn that trust back, I know there is a lot of shit going on, keeping the lines open and people talking to one another is key to that.
No pressure, just think about it... I don't even need to put you on air to get it done. Either way, you are still getting all the rockin' tunes from me no matter what! Let's get Alestorm back on the air here!
[Alestorm by Alestorm]
[Rage of the Pentahook by Alestorm]
When all seems lost in the endless black sea, look to the light of Rock! BBR! Buzzard Buccaneer Radio! Your source for all things pirate and metal! Back and ready to shake, rattle and roll! Yo Ho!
[Pirate's Scorn by Alestorm]
I just want to make a quick shout out right now to a very special collaborator of ours who is also kicking some major fucking ass out in the black with us right now. They just landed another hit on an enemy ship, blowing its hull wide open! Special thanks to the Normandy and its pilot, Joker! I know we have had our spats and all, but I wouldn't want anyone else sailing with us right now! That human does have good taste in music after all.
Oh and we are receiving an encoded text message from Joker himself it seems. It says "Bout time you admitted it, you crusty birdbrain. Now if you would just let me host your show and accept I would do your job better than you, we would be even." Oh Joker, ha ha, such a card. I actually enjoy our spats, even if you are just sore I keep winning our bets when you make musical challenges.
And already another write-in from Joker, guess he is too busy to call... oh, well that seems uncalled for- Hey there's no need for that! ... Okay now you are just being rude! ... Okay that is an impressive string of slurs, I will admit.
Heh heh, Joker probably is just having trouble with his dictation software, listeners. I am sure he's taking things in stride. Oh and incoming battle report from the bridge, he just annihilated two enemy Corvettes in quick succession. Hey, he is still on the ball even while he is throwing insults! Love ya, Jokesy! Keep up the fire!
Now let's switch up our playlist a little with some rock from other bands! Here is some Metallica, coming at ya!
[Hardwired by Metallica]
[No Remorse by Metallica]
We have moved to intercept duty as enemy forces continue to target the MAC Gun on the Gettysburg. Snarlies really want that thing gone. We scored a hit on a frigate that was providing protective cover to a number of fighters on an attack vector. And I have been coordinating with Pelican gunships acting as additional Anti-Air in the area. In fact, I got someone on the line who is very near and dear to the show.
Corporal Locklear, you are back on the air!
Hey, Boz. Gotta be honest, did not think we would be talking again after... well you know.
Neither did I, but I am really glad that we were both wrong. How are you holding up?
Flying copilot with Petty Officer Polaski here. We've taking pot shots at pirate banshees for a while now, a lot fewer though once you showed up. They have been really gunning for the MAC. Obvious enough why, it's the biggest, loudest gun we have left.
I did not get the chance to say this before, but I really love that new gun of yours. Think we could poach the design for a later upgrade?
I don't think you guys have a MAC of your own. Plenty of Plasma coils, sure, but it's still mostly our tech. And MACs ain't cheap either. Not to mention you would need to build a whole new ship around it-
Okay, I get it. Only you guys get the cool new weapon. Well just so you know, Zek is gonna be bringing in some help along with... well you know.
I will believe when I see it, Boz. Sorry to say, Me, Polaski and everyone else... we might be happy to hear and see from you guys, but we still don't have the best opinion of your boss.
Understandable, given the circumstances, but for real... things have changed. You will see, hopefully... he won't die or anything.
Uh, why would he die?
He won't, the point is he won't. Focus on the positives, those phantoms I redirect to you show up?
Yeah, of course, they have been providing additional fire support for a while. Took out some banshees screaming on our two o'clock. Saw them go up like little firecrackers.
See? It pays to have pirates with better specs on their dropships. They're practically gunships in their own right. Fuck Covie regulations on modifications, their religious dogma ain't shit when it comes to superior firepower! And the Snarlies aren't much better. Although there I just think Snarlbeak is fucking cheap.
When we make it out of this, I hope we have enough kickass alien guns left over on the Ascendant Justice to spec our own ships out some. I think it would be pretty killer to give this old bird some plasma cannons or the like.
Oh, you get to upgrade your shit with our stuff, but not us? Very unfair.
Hey, I can't help it if all your cool shit is easier to shove onto our stuff than our big guns are for your dinky little ship.
This dinky ship is currently making and taking hits well above its weight class. We keep buzzing Battlecruiser attack groups and shooting up frigates. That's pretty nuts for us.
True enough, you guys are plenty nuts. No argument there. But, hey, like I said, it's good to have you back, circumstances as they are.
We'll start handing out the proper apologies when we are through this, Corporal. For now, you and the Warrant Officer just keep your heads on a swivel and I will keep belting out tunes.
Sounds like a plan. We got more bogeys on the warpath, so pick something good.
Can and will do! Here is one for everyone running fighter interception and carrier defense, like Locklear and Polaski are! BBR is bringing you the rock! Fast and fucking hard! You see Snarly, you feed 'em plasma! Or lead, whichever you got on hand!
[Blastin' Fast & Loud by Twisted Sister]
[Never Say Never by Twisted Sister]
We got ourselves some heavy chop coming our way everyone. Not that we aren't in the thick of it already of course, but the enemy firing screens are continuing to pick up. Acting Shipmaster Kaz is noticing a pattern and it appears they are trying to force us into the nebula.
That might sound bad, but try to remember, in that space fog we are not nearly as out in the open. So even if they do shove us in there, trust me, we are not going to be out of this fight just from that. We got some real smart fucking tacticians and strategists running this shit. So keep fighting, the Fallen Serpent and the Normandy are with you and each other, Ascendant Justice. We ain't going anywhere.
If you need further encouragement, think of the Marines and Troopers on the Covie Station right now. They are even more surrounded than we are. You think they're scared? Damn straight they are probably scared! But they know someone is out here that has their back! That keeps them fighting! So let's not let our friends aboard that station down. We need to stay alive for them!
And, on a more personal note, if we don't get to them, they will never know I am back! I haven't been able to contact them! Too much risk of blowing their cover and all that shit. So come on, we can't let them not find out BBR is back on the air! They need to know the rock is still flowing!
Report coming in from Kaz... yeah it does sound like we are going to be headed into the nebula. Okay, just gonna have to accept that I guess. Don't worry, like I said, we have been kicking ass this whole time. We aren't gonna stop now!
Just keep in mind, Zek is coming! This time for sure you can trust me on this, you can trust him! Believe me when I say things have changed! He is going to be bringing the Astral Cutlass and a whole heap of help! We can make it through this!
And in light of that, I want to dedicate the next two tracks we have on offer to our errant Shipmaster. I don't know if you can hear this broadcast, sir or, how things are going right now for you, but I hope you know we are all rooting for you.
Please don't fucking die, boss! I really don't want to be out of a job! These two next picks are for you, given what you are likely doing by now. Slash that fucker up good, sir! Our colors don't run!
[Under the Blade by Twisted Sister]
[Flash of a Blade by Iron Maiden]
My updates might be a bit spotty since my outer feeds are encountering interference. Good news, I can clear it up, but it is gonna take some time. I am still getting tactical reports from upstairs, so I can keep everyone informed. But right now it's a hide and seek fight.
All this space fog is making me think a little about one individual though. Zapap, if you're listening, I really need to say this in case I don't get a chance later. I'm sorry. I am seriously sorry, Zaps. I really am.
Look, I didn't mean to mistreat you or anything. I really didn't. I was just raised on this sort of thing. Unggoy aren't held in high regard among kig-yar. Never have been. And it's a stupid reason why you ain't. It really fucking is. Let's not mince words, we have been shitty to each other for a long time, but we've lorded how raw a deal you guys got over you.
Zappy, I know I wasn't always the best boss. I made you do a ton of shit that was seriously beneath you. My less than stable personality traits no doubt rubbed you the wrong way. We did not communicate... at all. That's on me cause I drowned you out. Every time.
I just treated you horribly because... because that is where my mind went. I thought I was being nicer to you than most kig-yar, but I didn't realize just how low I set that bar. I could give excuses about how I did not consider your feelings because I engrained it in myself unggoy feelings did not matter. How I never knew a better way. But it doesn't matter.
I... *Sniff* I was a horrible friend. *Sniff* Just the WORST! *Sniff* And I didn't appreciate you... and I am sorry for that. *Sniff* And I don't expect you to forgive me, but I would like to at least know you heard me say all that just now! *Sniff Sniff* Because then you can be satisfied... an-and happy, knowing... knowing you were RIGHT! All along! *Sobbing* I'm just a stupid jerky kig-yar who doesn't know any better and deserved getting betrayed by you. I really am that and I am so sorry, Zapap. I hurt you and I'm sorry.
...
Oh... a call? Maybe...
You owe me sandwiches. Me choose what kind!
ZAPPY! Oh thank fuck, whatever you want buddy! Any and all sorts of extra rationing! The best cuts! You name it! It is yours!
We still need talk more.
Yeah, yeah, of course, Zap! I just need to know I have my friend back! That's all I want.
Me want proper contract. Wages. Full benefits!
We will hash it out, I swear! Get it in writing and everything!
Good. Other unggoy hope same for rest of ship.
Trust me, Zaps! It's going to be a brand new Fallen Serpent, a whole new way of space pirating! A better, more inclusive way forward! With thirty percent less condescension. and pandering!
Thirty?
Hey, hatchling steps, dude. You can't change thousands of years of animosity overnight. I'm just being realistic!
Ugh, me take it so long as you make easier schedule.
Yeah, sure, more reasonable hours, I promise! We can make this work! I got some ideas you will really like... assuming we survive this. Which we will! I gotta get these feeds back up, can you help me out over the comms?
Fine, me help. But this count as pay work! Hourly!
Whatever you say, Zappy! HA HA! I got my station helper back! Bitchin'! Let's play some tunes to celebrate! We are in the cosmic soup, and reports say we got enemy frigates and possibly destroyers hunting us! Let's give 'em something get hunted to, the fuckers!
[Voyage of the Dead Marauder by Alestorm]
[The Huntmaster by Alestorm]
Got the feeds back up. Destroyers are out and about, that's for sure. Kaz is luring some into the open though. I got a bead on one that is actually seeking us out, must be under their radar. And... holy shit! Plasma Cannon just raked its undercarriage!
Wait, something else on the scopes! Sensors are reading it's a human fighter, I think it's the same one the Boss flew off of Halo with! ... Fuckin' A! They just landed a clean hit on the bridge of the destroyer! They're pulling back! Hey, if I send the gunners a feed, can they cover its flight path? You know what, fuck it, I'm doing it! Heads up starboard batteries, keep that little humie fighter safe! I hear there are fans aboard!
Also getting some feeds from the Normandy, they are engaging some smaller ships, but they are on stand-by in case the Snarlies start pursuit. They got our back, we have theirs. I know, not the usual thing pirates do, but... fuck, we are trying all sorts of new things today!
Wish I could talk more the Ascendant Justice, figure out how the mood on the bridge is there... but, well... I am guessing I am still locked out after that whole hack situation and everything so... yeah. Don't blame them I guess if they don't want to talk. I really did screw up their command and contr-
Hey... wait a minute there. I just... did I just get an idea? Oh fuck, rockers! I think I just got the best fucking idea! Hold up, I need to talk to some Synths! Joker, I know you are still listening to this, waiting for your chance to bitch at me, put EDI on for me! I got a really fucking kickass idea! Here are some tunes in the mean time! And hey, all your gunners out there? Show 'em your teeth!
[Leviathan by Alestorm]
[Stay Hungry by Twisted Sister]
Alright, that was a crash course in a ton of stuff I never thought I would use in this specific scenario. EDI is a very enthusiastic teacher on Cyberwarfare. Anyway, I now can just piggyback off her subroutines and... okay direct connection established. Time to fucking rock some shit! Let's see who I can reach?
This is the bridge, comms received, what's your targeting vector mortar battery?
(Boz can be heard barely containing his laughter.)
Uh, we got a signal on that little frigate, but I need telemetry data from the bridge!
Who is this? Where's Gunnery Master Vork?
Oh, he's indisposed, sir. Ichor caught up with him.
Grotto's Abyss! That is going to come out of his fucking pay! Zom warned him! Alright, I am sending you telemetry! Blow that fucking pest out of the black already!
(Boz speaks in aside to the microphone)
Heh, heh, gunnery masters are always fucking blitzed on the job more times than not.
(Speaking again, to presumably, the enemy destroyer's bridge operator)
Okay, we have your data! Locking coordinates now. (Cuts Comms Transmission) We are fucking in, boys and girls! Let's feed that mortar battery some coordinates and... time to send a very special fucking surprise to these Snarlies! We should lock onto their frigate escort and their own ship annnnnnddd... GO!
Let's check the monitors. Oh shit! Their frigate took two direct hits, dead center! And now the fourth and fifth shots are coming right back down on their asses! HA HA! BOOM Mother fuckers! Let's see what they have to say to that?
The fuck were those coordinates Mortar Battery Alpha! You just fucked us and our frigate! I am going to flay you alive!
You have a much longer way to go to accomplish that, dipshit! I ain't even there!
What? Who is this?
This is Boz the Buzzard, of the Fallen Serpent, and you just got your ass fooled, matey! HA HA HA!
(Cackling Laughter Accompanied by Rattling Bones. It is proceeded by the sound of a Cannon Firing followed by a Splash!)
Now taste the metal, Snarly!
(Boz then proceeded to his enabled access to the Snarlbeak Fleet Battlenet to disrupt fleet wide communications to a considerable degree. With AI constructs EDI and Auntie DOT assisting, he was able to sabotage communications, targeting and navigation for several enemy vessels, effectively weaponized his Rock n' Roll to the Allied Flotilla's advantage.)
[Terror on the High Seas by Alestorm]
[Here Comes Revenge by Metallica]
That is right fuckers, Boz the Buzzard is transmitting to your Snarly Asses now! I am doing what rock does best, crashing your fucking system! How does that fucking feel? Your boss' ass is grass and Zek is gonna be smokin' it in no time flat! Get used to hearing this shit in your ears, cause it ain't stopping any time soon!
We are BBR! Buzzard Buccaneer Radio! And we are going to fucking rock your shit UP! I'm turning this one up to fucking eleven! Why? BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN!
[Barrett's Privateers by Alestorm]
[Moth Into Flame by Metallica]
[Sin After Sin by Twisted Sister]
Ok, so we might have made that Destroyer super fucking mad. I can own that, but given the results I feel it was worth it! Sure it might be after us now, but Kaz is leading him towards the Normandy, so we are covered! Let's get word from our rear battery, see how they are managing.
(The sound of constant plasma cannon fire can be heard)
You really know how to fucking piss people off, Boz! Cause they are throwing plasma lances non-stop! They're on us like a Razor on bloated Abyssal Squid Corpse! They ain't quitting!
Do you see the Normandy? Kaz says we are flying in close to them!
I am too busy trying to zero in on their flight path! I have no fucking clue where the fucking Normandy is righ- (The Plasma Cannons quiet as there is a huge cheer in the background) Never mind, they just got a hit in on the bastards. Okay, so they actually do have our backs.
Course they do! Joker might not want to admit it, but without me around, who else is he going to debate about the finer points of rock with? I mean, there is Sergeant Johnson, but trust me, he will not be nearly as forgiving and accommodating as I am.
Sure, whatever. How much longer are we gonna have to wait on Zek at this point?
Either he will show up soon... or not. Either way, we keep fighting. Nothing can stop the rock! And we are all about the rock! Let's get some killer shanties up in here by a band who knows the seas were made for just that! Here is The Dreadnoughts for all of yas! Keep giving them full broadsides out there, people! We are going to make it!
[Defiants by The Dreadnoughts]
[Black Sea Gale by The Dreadnoughts]
[Rodney Rocket by The Dreadnoughts]
We got a line on something everyone! Just over the comms and its coming in hard and fast! I think it's... yeah is a lot of Slipspace Ruptures! I am looking at the feeds, that is a whole lot of fucking ships! I... I probably should be a bit concerned but... wait... yeah, holy fuck! We got a signal, people! We got a signal! It's him, it's the boss! He's putting me through to a fleet wide communique! It's on open channel, let me patch it through!
(BBR Picks up official communication channels, featuring Zek speaking to Snarlbeak Fleet Master Zom. We present them here in full)
Zom: Zek! How are you even alive?!
Zek: That's simple enough to explain. By rite of Combat, I have laid claim to all holdings and assets of Snarlbeak's enterprise. As a result of him meeting his end by my hand in a duel. Well... technically a chorka's fins did it, but I told it to... sorta.
Zom: What?!
Zek: I'll repeat it since it seems you're deaf. I killed Snarlbeak, I own all his stuff now. That includes the Astral Cutlass, this ship... and your ass, along with the fleet you're commanding.
Zom: Pirate Lord Snarlbeak is an unmatched swordsman and duelist! He can't be dead! You lie!
Zek: My claim is backed up by the Syndicate itself. They're here to enforce that turnover directly. I possess the Astral Cutlass which is currently powering this ship's weapons systems Your boss is dead, I'm the new one, simple as that. You are required, by the Pirate's Code, to accept this transition.
Zom: You must've cheated! There can be no other explanation! You're an idiotic cowardly wretch! Snarlbeak was beyond the likes of you!
Zek: We're pirates! Cheating doesn't fucking matter. I won, he's dead. You have two options, Zom. Which as your new boss, I am obligated to give to you as terms. You can either fall in line... or you can get the fuck out of my way!
Zom: Blow this drunk usurping piece of razor shit out of the fucking black!
Zek: You cannot serious be this fucking stupid. I just told you I have the Astral Cutlass and it's powering this this thing's main gun. You know what that means, right?
Zom: Fuck you, Zek! I will never follow the likes of you! I'd rather throw myself on my own sword than submit to a pathetic, lowly, worthless little street thug who thinks he could ever hold a candle to the legendary father who abandoned him! Along with the disease-ridden whore that spawned-
(It was at this point Zek used the Astral Cutlass-Enhanced weapons systems of his newly acquired Battlecruisers, designated the Trozken's Scourge, to utterly annihilate Fleet Master Zom and his entire ship. The rest of the Snarlbeak Fleet quickly fell in line after this and joined the Alliance Taskforce on Zek's orders. This Transcript now continues with Boz's reaction to the events.)
Holy fucking ocean! Did everyone just see that? Zek fucking wrecked Zom to shit! I figured the Astral Cutlass was powerful, but fuckin' A! I told you all! I fucking told you! I said he was gonna come back with some major fucking reinforcements and he did not disappoint! Hold on, Friendly Task Force aboard that Station! We are coming to ya!
[Back Home in Bristol by The Dreadnoughts]
Zek is still getting things together to come aboard the Fallen Serpent and everything. But I just want to take some quick reactions from across the Fleet. Call line one, you are on the air.
I gotta admit, the birdbrain came through! And so did you, Boz! Glad to have ya back!
Good to be back, but it ain't over yet! We still need to get the others out of that station. Line two, you are on the air.
HA HA! Did you see that fucking loser Zom get his face literally melted off! Fucking hell, that was beautiful after being forced to run circles around his boys! Hey, Snarlies! Welcome to the fucking family, idiots!
Now, now, let's not be too harsh on the new guys. I mean, sure we kicked their asses, but now they get to enjoy BBR for free and without any disruptions to their system. Line three, you are on!
I just want to say, it is good to be wrong. Zek actually showed up with the cavalry! We are gonna rip that station a new one! Hope that crazy sword is as badass in your little ship as it was in that battlecruiser.
We will find out, won't we? Next caller, line four!
This is Kaz, the second Zek gets to the bridge he is taking command and thank fuck. This has been the most stressful time in my fucking life!
Ah, but you did good, Kaz! Let's give our acting shipmaster a round of applause everyone! He really gave it both barrels today! A true pirate if there ever was one! (Uproarious Applause Sound Effect is heard) Okay next caller, line five!
Is this the cleaners deck? Have my slippers been washed yet?
Uh, what?
I need my slippers. My feet are all cold because I lost my meat shoes. Oh, and I would like an extra hot blanket please. Those always help me feel so cozy when I watch my vid stories.
Ma'am, I think you got the wrong number.
No, no, I am pretty sure I contacted the right deck. I might not always know how to work this thingy, but I pressed the blue command button for sure... oh was it the teal button? No, wait, I think it was the cerulean one. Uh, who are you again, little fledge?
Uh, Boz the Buzzard, ma'am.
Oh, isn't that a nice name! Booze the Bubbard! Are you new? I can never keep track of everyone who comes into my house. My daughters hire so many and I just usually skim the contracts over to get in more vid story time.
I am more than certain now you are confused.
"Zox! Who are you talking to!? We have an assault to plan!"
Oh, Zoth dear! I was just talking to nice young fledgling on the machine! He is going to get me my slippers... oh and maybe find my cheese hat!
"You don't have a cheese hat! And we are about to go into battle! Stop playing around with the commlink!"
Ohhh, we are going into battle? Oh, well then I need my cheese helmet then, my mistake! No one can hurt me with my cheese helmet!
"ARGH! Fucking ocean, you are impossible some days! Give me that!"
(Line suddenly cuts out)
I uh... I think that was one of the Syndicate Queens just now. Well... that's interesting. I am just gonna put on some music to psyche us up for the fight! Get ready to make the Covies reap the fucking whirlwind, boys and girls!
[1741 (The Battle of Cartegena) by Alestorm]
[Back in the Village by Iron Maiden]
[Boneyard by The Dreadnoughts]
I just got a readout from the ship's power output! The systems are going absolutely insane right now! Everything is boosted out the fucking wazoo! Holy shit! Zek is back aboard and we are fucking boosted! Let's get rolling, folks!
Syndicate ships are backing us up while the Snarlies are covering the Ascendant Justice. Ain't that a gas? Anyway, I think I know how to start us off right. Time to deploy my rocking cyberwarfare on the Covies! I am already instructing EDI to start transmitting the perfect song to fuck them up with.
This one is dedicated to the human who made this all possible! Best not to forget his contribution! Commander Shepard, I hope you are listening out there. Cause this one literally has your name on it!
[We Shepherds are the Best of Men by The Dreadnoughts]
Did anyone catch that massive beam that just cut through the Covie fleet? Now that is a salvo! Okay, if any of the Marines or Drop Troopers aboard the Crusty Chorka can hear me, you ain't going crazy! BBR is back on the fucking air and I am transmitting live to you and all the stinkin' Covies at the head of a massive ass fleet of our own! We are getting you out of there and I got the tunes to help get you home! Fly my rocking listeners! Boz has got the sounds you need!
[Let's Get Rocked by Def Leppard]
[When the River Runs Deep by Iron Maiden]
[Foreign Skies by the Dreadnoughts]
[Battle of Cape Fear River by Alestorm]
That's it guys, just follow the sound of rock on home! I really hope you can hear me. I am using the songs to disrupt systems targeting your ships best I can. It's really taxing on my station's feeds, but I know I can do it!
Hey! We got a line from someone!
This is Private Kowalski, aboard the... well you know THAT Corvette. We are in the clear, Boz! Everyone down here just wanted you to know that! Good to hear you again! Didn't think we'd say that ever, but it's the truth!
HA HA! Yes, Rock n' Roll partially saved the day! I always knew it would! Um, wait, scopes are showing movement in the Covie lines! I think they are trying to jump out! ... Getting a feed from upstairs... Flotilla leaders are cooking up a plan! Can't say anything over the exposed channels, but I'll see if me and EDI can help disrupt the navigational systems for those ships, cause some gridlock and buy us some time!
And I know just the song to use!
[I Believe in Rock n Roll by Twisted Sister]
(Near the end of the song, Boz briefly interrupts)
Rupture off our bow! Something looks like it got shot through it and... HOLY FUCK, ARGH! The feeds are going white! Hang on people! Looks like we're jumping ourselves! Where my stabilizer strap! OHHHH SHHHHIIIII-
(Song continues near its end as a nuclear warhead fired from the Gettysburg-Ascendant Justice and slispace ported into the middle of the retreating Covenant forces detonated. This destroys the Covenant Battle Station, Unyielding Hierophant as the Allied Flotilla and Syndicate Fleets escape the system intact. Minutes later, Boz reports on the situation.)
Holy fuck, we're alive? We are! WE'RE ALIVE! We fucking pulled it the fuck off! YES! Rock n' Fucking Roll! We did it people! Talk about a fucking come back tour! Reports coming in... total decimation of the Covie Fleet! We fucking won, rockers! Hell fucking yeah! This calls for a real special song! Kick it!
[A Rock Version "A Pirate's Life for Me", Partially Sung by Boz]
Professor Mordin Solus' Notes
Outstanding Turn of Events. Most agreeable. Jackal subjects truly turned around. Zek especially. Would not have believed it. Analytics suggested unlikely. Glad to be wrong. Should factor Shepard into calculations. Proving to alter data most... effectively.
Jackals clearly forced to reconcile with previous motives. Zek not only one in need perspective change. Presented with scenario that meant likely end of former allies. Bonds not as severed as previously thought. Clear connection between groups. Did not wish to see it end. Preservation and reconciliation ultimately desired.
Most impressed with Boz. Went above expected parameters for desired forgiveness. Took proactive role. More than words. Actions sought and used to full effect. Did not consider rock n' roll a viable weapon. Should pass along reports of incident to STG. Could prove... interesting to higher-ups. Unsure if salarian music would be effective. Will suggest Gilbert & Sullivan. Reasoning outside of personal preference. Mostly.
Interested in studying dynamics of Syndicate leadership. Criminal element most... problematic. Yet fascinated. Attempted to contact. Met with open hostility from one. Another attempted to manipulate into paying for interview. Third... curiously kept asking if I was estranged offspring. Do not think they have called for considerable period of time.
Most odd group. Wish to install listening devices in chamber. Sociological study could prove enlightening... and entertaining. Secondary objective, of course.
I have to admit, I share the Professor's surprise. This was not at all how I expected things to go. Zek returning to help in the battle was farfetched enough, but actually coming through with additional support? Now, that I could not have predicted. But he did show up and thanks to him we achieved greater success than expected.
I ran the numbers prior to the engagement. The likelihood that we would have been forced to take extreme actions to enable the escape of our forces was high. I doubt we would have preserved the captured Covenant carrier, regardless of whether or not Snarlbeak's forces arrived to intercept us. While that was no doubt most Zek's fault, as per Shepard's own report, the important thing is the pirate did come through to fix his mistake. I wish that he hadn't have forced the situation to begin with, but I will give credit where it is due.
Zek still has a good deal to answer for, of course, but I will take his actions in this battle into consideration all the same. I do remain concerned about the Astral Cutlass being in his possession, but that is a matter we will need to discuss in detail.
Regardless, this sudden shift in events bodes well for the UNSC. We now have a truly committed ally in the Jackal Pirates it seems. As well as potentially additional support from the Syndicate, if Zek can come through on that end as well. I am sure possessing the Astral Cutlass will go a long way towards resolving that matter.
I like Mordin am impressed most with Boz. The ridiculous radio host truly went above and beyond the call of duty today. He utilized the same tactics that so effectively rendered our systems useless during the schism against our enemies. First the Snarlbeak Fleet and then the Covenant. He thus bought us and our forces the time we needed to execute our mission to the fullest extent.
I did not think much of the Fallen Serpent's loudmouthed morale officer when this all started out. I considered him nothing more than just someone I has to endure in order to properly assess Zek and his people. To better utilize and manipulate this alliance to our benefit. Over time though, I grew an appreciation for him. Yes, he is something of an idiot, but... he is a good-natured one and truly dedicated to his passion. As well as those who he sees as friends.
He may a pirate, and perhaps more scatterbrained than most, but I consider Boz the Buzzard, at the very least, a considerable asset to this alliance between us and the Fallen Serpent. Without him, I don't think we would have made it to the first relic without tearing one another's throats out. I do hope Zek and Retz keep him on as morale officer. Lord knows we will need all the confidence that can be provided as we enter far more troubled times ahead.
The Destruction of Unyielding Hierophant was an unparalleled success, and the Fallen Serpent played a considerable role in it, along with the actions of Commander Shepard, the Spartans and everyone else in this very strange confederation of ours. I am proud to serve with them. Yes, even Zek for all the trouble he has given me.
Commander Shepard once told me that this alliance could be more than just an intel gathering opportunity. That we could begin the forging of a true relationship with our former adversaries. That, in time, the Jackals and the UNSC could be more aligned than ever in purpose. I did not believe him then, I admit I felt he was being overly optimistic. I can say confidently now that I am a believer in his "Building Bridges" philosophy. I don't wish to be presumptuous, but... I feel his actions have helped bring back something I thought buried deep and discarded in my youth. That... idealism that was drilled out of me, tarnished if you will by the realities of war.
Perhaps though, there is still a place in war for ideals. After all, if a bunch of rowdy, stupid, oddball space pirates, led by a drunk joke of a captain and spoken for by a ridiculous alien Radio DJ who for whatever reason fell in love with ancient rock music, can become indispensable assets to our war effort... who is to say other members of the Covenant could not follow suit?
Only time will tell, I suppose.
-Lieutenant Elias Haverson
Office of Naval Intelligence
-File Closed-
AN: Bringing Boz's story to a close has been a highlight for me concerning the conclusion of Remnants. I have really grown attached to this metalheaded pirate and his antics. But I am glad to leave him on a hopeful note all the same. Check out the epilogue to see things wrapped up properly, Readers. I will give my final thoughts there.