"I admit it was a surprise to Mom when Dad came home with a dog. I mean we were only kids, but mom put on a brave face. The kids were happy so she was fine. Once she thought we were a sleep I heard her scream at Dad for not telling her about not getting the Christmas Bonus, saying that if he had told her she would have helped him find a solution. Now they had a dog, which they were unprepared for. They didn't have any dog course this would have to wait a few days but mom was still pretty mad."
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"So yeah I switched my test results with the smartest kid in class, Martin. They said I was like Jane Goodall with the Chimpanzees. So I got sent to the Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children..Not as fun as the Xavier Institute of Gifted Children. I was out of place there among the all the smarter kids and even when I went back to Springfield Elementary, I was an outcast there too. Pretending to be Smart sucked. So I told the truth. They thought I was being modest until I caused a small chemical explosion in the lab. I was out. Martin was in. At least he got to escape this helllhole. Lisa suspected but was ignored and Principal Skinner knew but either wanted me out of there so I wouldn't cause trouble or just wanted the attention that one of his students got sent to one of the big boy schools. What's weird is my parents got cash from it, yeah, they got their money back. Smart Boy School thought it was their fault for not having realized I was a fake genius sooner. Usually there's like a test I'm supposed to take and I didn't do that. I'd have flunked. They'd actually payed to have me go there thinking I was Martin. The fact that I'd fooled was a black mark on them, Martin was pissed, but happy he at least got to go to his smart boy school. He had to retake the test alone. realized what was up but Skinner convinced her to play along, probably because they were banging."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"Bart's class took a field trip to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. He waved at Dad while he was there and he crashed his electrical car into a cooling vent. He was fired. Dad was really broken up about it. He tried to kill himself by jumping off a bridge. I found his suicide note and we made it to the bridge just in time. A truck almost ran us over but Dad saved us. Dad found new purpose after that. He wanted to fight to put a stop sign at the intersection. He petitioned the City Council and won, after that day He was all about public safety after that point and he actually did some good, putting up new signs. He soon became head of the Traffic Department. Then with a crowd of people behind him he marched up to the Nuclear Power Plant. Mr. Burns wanted to end this protest and its rumored his assistant Mister Smithers, convinced him to hire Dad as the plant's safety inspector. This way he could appease the crusade for safety and get a new safety inspector. Smithers was always a nice guy. His friendship with Burns was always odd to me. Burns was old fashioned, he had fought in World War II as a teenager and had some old world views and yet he was very close to Smithers, a black gay man. Either way its thanks to Smithers that Dad got his job as the Safety Inspector. Burns thought that Dad was some kind of mastermind who had, engineered the whole thing to be put into power. It also meant Dad couldn't be fired so easily as he still had plenty of followers. The City Council of Springfield, Oregon and all those followers Dad had accumulated saw it as a victory that he now had a job where he could make a difference and would protest if he got fired. They didn't know Dad that well, they only knew Homer Simpson, the public persona who rehearsed speeches and sometimes messed them up. Big deal. Plenty of great leaders had speech impediments, so what if he said "Nucular" instead of Nuclear, he had a bit of an accent that is all. Point is Homer Simpson in charge of Safety seemed like a good idea at the time, and now it's the reason there's no Springfield anymore."
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"Our first company picnic at dad's new job went great, but Dad left thinking that his boss wanted us to be a better family so we wouldn't embarrass him, so it was off to Monroe's Family Therapy Center. Dad pawned off our TV to pay for $250 therapy. We got another TV though when he gave us our money back. It was fun, we beat each other up with mallets. We did this thing, Lisa says its called Aversion Therapy, but really we just kept shocking each other until there was a brownout. I thought we caused it but it turned out later it was probably just a coincidence. Still we got double our money back. Homer's new Safety position and his supporters meant Monroe couldn't have the scandal on him so it was all hushed up. Which was fine. Therapist confidentiality and all that. Mom kept going to see Monroe for awhile after that and had a bit more success. She brought up the idea that we'd go one at a time since it was clear our problem was each other."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"I got into a fight with the then school bully Nelson Muntz. One of his friends trashed the cupcakes Lisa made for Miss Hoover's Birthday party. Maybe it was my sibling side or maybe it was because I'd put laxatives in the cupcakes and was sad to see a prank go to waste, but I beat down that kid. Turns out he was a friend of Nelson. I tried to fight back but he could pick me up like a rag doll. I was able to make him bleed his own blood for once and he took this as a challenge. He would return to pummel me the next day and the day after that. So yeah I had a bully. Dad said to fight dirty but that didn't work. Grampa was more helpful and I think that's one of the reasons I grew to like Grampa more than Dad. Grampa took me to an old war buddy running an army Surplus store, which as a kid was the coolest thing ever. His buddy Herman Hermann was missing an arm. He'd lost it in the Vietnam War I later learned but he would often make up lies about how he lost it, telling me it was from sticking his hand out of a school bus window to try to scare me straight. It kinda worked. I never did that again. Still he came up with all this military strategy and gave me some army hand to hand training. I also began to look for martial arts classes. Lisa suggested Judo, which was all about a little guy being able to take down a big guy. I didn't get very far before the big fight but at least it did something. Basically all of the kids at school were victims of Nelson, or at least wanted to see him knocked down. They all agreed to begin training too and so we had a small army thanks to Grampa and Herman's training. We ambushed Nelson and his friends. Herman watched from my tree house with binoculars and a walkee talkie. We bombed him with Water Balloons and then tied him up. Herman made him sign an armistice, which really meant nothing. After that day, Nelson pretty much stopped bullying. If he did chances were all the kids at school would get back at him. I was still learning Judo but suffice to say Nelson never bothered me at school again."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"Strangely enough after what Bart did, I feel like Nelson became a much nicer person. Maybe now that he couldn't use bullying as a way to deal with his pain. It really turned his life around, which is ironic because Bart became a Bully after that"
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"I became depressed. I'm not sure why. Maybe life was a bit too mundane or everything that had happened was getting to me. I was suffered from existentialism. Mom couldn't cheer me up and Dad and Bart didn't help either. Bart had gotten a new Video Game. Some Punch Out knockoff that had some minor character customization options. Dad and Bart made fighters that looked like themselves. Homer kept losing. The one time he was going to win, Marge turned off the game for an announcement. Bart tried to leave but Homer as his father demanded a rematch and finally did win. As all this was going on, I was in depression. Then I heard music from my window. I followed it outside. There was something about it. That's the day I met Bleeding Gums Murphy, a talented Blues saxophonist with an unfortunate nickname from a childhood condition that stuck. Murphy reignited my desire to play Saxophone and I gained a new love for the blues, which seemed so relevant to me at that time in my life. I even wrote a blues number played by Murphy himself. I decided then and there I wanted to be a Blues player like Mattie Hite. I'd already written one song that was performed. My parents agreed that Mr. Murphy would be my tutor and I was on my way.
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"Dad took the family out on a road trip in an RV. Turned out to be a bad idea as the RV went straight off a cliff. Now we were stranded in the woods. Dad and I went off to find food. We didn't know it at the time but Maggie follows us. She ended up being found by a pack of bears. It was a miracle she wasn't eaten or hurt, though I've read that Bears will sometimes leave people alone. Word of advice don't run away from a bear. They're hunting instincts kick in and they'll chase you down, still these bears were friendly. Maybe someone was feeding them and so they got used to humans. I've read about wolves taking care of baby humans they find but never that with bears. Anyway my Dad and I didn't realize this. Dad got badly stung and fell into mud. Some Nature nut discovered him."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"For the last time, the creature was not Bigfoot. I know the difference between a man covered in mud and a man covered in hair. No it was a man and I immediately went to get help and a towel"
-Robert Phoebe, Nature Photographer in interview with the Press following the rescue of the Simpsons.
"I fell in with a bad crowd. Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph were big helps in taking down Nelson but really I see now they were just happy to get rid of their competition. I think they realized the best way to be a bully if the whole school would target you would be to join up and so the three of them did. I actually got along really well with them. After all they'd help take down Nelson. We snuck into see Space Mutants 4 was one of those B Movie Horror schlock with a bunch of sequels. Rated R for gore and Sex. The first film came out in 1980 to cash in on the Star Wars craze, it was directed by Roger Corman. They waited a few years and then we got Return of the Space Mutants and then Revenge of the Space Mutants in 1989. I actually saw Revenge with Lisa and Maggie. We were supposed to see The Happy Little Elves Return but I convinced Lisa and Maggie to sneak in and see Revenge instead. I regretted it. I saw a Mutant that looked just like me and it scared me. We got kicked out of the theater. So now I was doing the same thing for this newer film and well we got busted. Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph began to talk about cutting off the head of the statue of the town Founder Jebediah Springfield, which I did. Enough time has passed that I think I can admit it without getting too much flack but it was a big deal at the time. I stole some construction equipment like one of those circular buzzsaws things that shoots sparks when you use it and got to work. It was louder than I expected but apparently most of the eye witness account just thought is was construction or didn't hear it as the Town Square was pretty barren. When I saw how people reacted I felt bad, could've sworn the head was talking to me. So I ended up revealing it to my family, who agreed to keep it secret. Dad helped put it back, crudely, we tried to make it stick but just sort of gave up and left it at the foot of the statue."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"The Head of the Statue of Jebediah Springfield has been recovered, found near the statue where it is believed to have been left by the original thieves. Plans are underway to reattach the head if that is at all possible. if not the statue will be removed and replaced with a newer statue. the culprits remain unidentified."
-Kent Brockman Channel Six News Report
"It was clear Dad forgot mom's birthday because he got her a bowling ball with his name on it. It was clearly a gift he intended for himself. He tried to make up for it by buying another bowling Ball with her name on it but the damage was done. Dad's old friend Barney ran the Bowl-A-Rama and so Marge took a shot at bowling. She met a French bowling instructior and they hit it off. She chose Dad instead but she came really close to cheating on him. Dad did get in trouble, not so much for leaving his post since he wasn't gone that long, but for having sex in the backseat of the car in the Power Plant's parking lot."
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
"Dad danced with a belly dancer at a Bachelor party for his coworker Eugene Fisk. The Families of the workers were given different rooms in the same restaurant. I snuck out back and took a picture of Dad dancing with a Belly Dancer named Princess Kashmir. I then gave the picture to Millhouse and soon copies were made. Marge learned about it through that and they were back to fighting. Mom, Dad and Me went to apologize to Princess Kashmir. I stayed in the car for most of the time since there was no way my parents were taking me to any strip clubs but they also wanted me to be there to learn a lesson. Eventually we found her and Homer brought her to me, he ended up accidentally being knocked onto the stage during a strip tease show. He stopped the show, or rather the show stopped because of his interruption and he broke into a plea to the audience to treat women with respect. he was booed off. Pictures of him being in a strip club circulated and while the presence of him with a belly dancer was somewhat controversial it could be excused with context. This could not. Safety Inspector found at Strip Club led him to a scandal that saw him lose his position in City Council."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"FRENCH WINE POISONING DISCOVERED".
Bart Simpson, an American exchange student, excited to be in France found himself becoming no better than a slave to two men: César and Ugolin Maison, who used him to labor and to test wine contaminated with antifreeze. This recent discovery shows that the Austrian Wine Poisoning of 1985 is not a thing of the past and very much alive. Not only that, it has spread to our shores. The mixture of antifreeze into wine can be fatal but was done by several Austrian wineries five years to improve the flavor despite the risk of death, which was exported to West Germany. Fortunately the number of conspirators was limited and so it is unlikely the French Wine Industry would collapse as had happened in Austria. The boy, Bart Simpson, so excited for his trip to France, he set about learning French, eventually was able to learn enough of the language to escape and tell a Gendarme."
-French Newspaper
"Look honestly the last straw for me was when Bart put a Cherry Bomb under my mother's toilet seat. It blew her off. She was an older woman. It could've killed her, and that was the last straw. The boy had become trouble. He'd vandalized the school as "El Barto" though I couldn't prove anything until Martin caught him in the act, god I miss him, anyway we all knew it was him. He wasn't exactly subtle about it, and how he had organized almost all the boys into a small army. They treated him with reverence and many thought he was cool for what he did to Nelson and would defend him. I proposed the French exchange program and even though what he went through was horrible, one good thing did come out of it. Bart was famous now, and he wanted to finish his final year in France, where he was now a small hero."
-Seymour Skinner interviewed for Down the Rabbit Hole: European Wine Poisoning.
" So when we did the Foreign exchange program we hosted a student in Bart's place named Adil Hoxha. Well he turned out to be an Albanian spy. The FBI caught him and he was deported back to Albania in exchange for an American spy they'd captured. Homer had shown him around the power plant. This is what got Homer fired for a second time. Not so much bringing in an Albanian spy, he didn't know that and the FBI believed him. It was because the FBI also took a look at the Power Plant and was furious since most of the stuff they found led to the Power Plant being shut down until further notice. Homer had not been doing his job very well and so he was fired and the scandal cost him the remaining support he had as a figure of safety. The FBI also uncovered and shared that Bart had decapitated the statue of Jebediah Springfield, though he was in France and could not face punishment for it. He was fortunate time had passed and people were beginning to move on. I still have no idea which of the family told them."
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
"When I heard Krusty was in Trouble, I headed back to Springfield on the earliest flight I could find. Didn't tell anyone. My own Dad had been a witness to him robbing the Kwik-E-Mart. Lisa and I wanted to help but we just annoyed the Detectives. Still there are a few things I'm proud of. The first is when approaching the crime scene we overheard that Krusty read a magazine and used a microwave oven. Krusty was illiterate and had an artificial pacemaker that reacted badly with microwave radiation. I pointed this out and the Detective seemed to have noticed. I'm not sure if it helped. So in the meantime, the studio had given Sideshow Bob his own show. He had turned it into some Masterpiece Theater type thing where he read to the audience in his deep voice and focused more on education, keeping only the Itchy and Scratchy Show. I was invited on. I was still a hero from my adventure in France and I was about to become one at home too. Something hit me when I was on that stage hearing Bob speak. He was the culprit. I stepped on his toe and pointed out that Homer had stepped on the shoe of the robber. Krusty the Clown had small feet. I made enough of a scene that people picked up on this, namely the media. Sideshow Bob was put into custody. Of course it would be ages before the trial but I rested confident that Krusty would be found innocent.I also rested at home because they seemed to think I would not be around for the trial when it happened if I returned to France. I did miss the Krusty the Clown show though. Bob vowed revenge and honestly I was afraid. Strangely enough the Sideshow Bob Show or whatever it was called was more watched because of the scandal but died down because now it was only Sideshow Mel left to host it and he lacked the entertainment value of Krusty and the deep elegant baritones of Bob."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"Bart had changed, and I think in a good way. He'd fought a bully, felt guilt for a prank, almost killed an old lady by accident, and had exposed both a Wine Poisoning scandal and a frame job. It didn't seem right for him to carry out as many pranks now and he had this strange sense of justice. He wanted to be a cop or something like that now. Then we got a babysitter. Mom and Dad had marriage troubles for some time, especially after the almost affair and the incident with the Belly Dancer. Marge talked about it with in a call in therapy radio slot and she accidentally revealed his name. They decided to spend some time away. So it was Bart, Maggie and I. Miss Botz put on a tape of the Happy Little Elves and sat us all in front of the TV. Bart went upstairs. I think to use the bathroom and found Miss Botz stealing our parent's things. She saw him and he ran. He told me what he saw. Then the next thing we know she was chasing us with rope. I was caught but I think Bart was able to knock her out thanks to his Judo and military training. He even tied her up with the same ropes she'd used on me. He'd learn to tie up people from Herman and it had done a good job at restraining Nelson. Miss Botz had cut the phone line so I ran next door while Bart kept watch. Mom and Dad came home and while Dad was not happy to see Flanders there he calmed down once the Police arrived and Miss Botz taken into custody. I learned later that her name was Lucille Botzowski. For Bart this experience enforced his belief that he should go into law enforcement."
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.