The Car pulled into the Church. Stan Smith stepped out with his wife. Stan was 32. He was with his family, including his 28 year old wife Francine. They had two children. Haley was a girl of 12. Steve was 9. Both were with them. The only two missing were Roger, the Alien staying in the Attic. A few years ago, an alien would be the kind of thing that would be covered up, but with the Invasion of 1996(and Stan was still mad they pulled Independence Day out of Theatres because of it), knowledge that aliens existed was now quite public. Still the CIA insisted he not call attention to himself. Roger kept showing off ridiculous disguise hoping Stan would let him leave the house but he still looked like an alien[1]. The other resident was Klaus Heisler, the 1984 Olympic Skier who's Brain was implanted by CIA into a Goldfish, well ok, technically his brain was being transferred to a Goldfish because of an experimental camera technology but semantics. His body was otherwise a vegetable since the accident but he volunteered for it. He was about to pass the lifespan of a normal goldfish and another would be needed[2].
Stan pushed all of that aside when he entered the Church. He'd never make it to the Seats. Francine pulled him aside and into a closet.
The two exited sooner than expected not because of the noise, but because of the silence.
The Priest had been speaking and then silence even more odd than if he had just stopped talking. They emerged, clothes strewn about their bodies. The clothes of other people were everywhere, as if they had just fallen. Stan ran to the seats. "Steve! Haley!" He shouted. He did not find them. Instead what he found was two seats side by side with their clothes.
"Did everyone go streaking what the hell is going on?"
Stan ran out to the front and saw the Fires in the sky and explosion in the distance. He and Francine glanced at them for what felt like hours, simply struggling to comprehend. He was not alone, there were now screams coming from the street and people panicking over empty clothes.
"What the Hell is happening?"
The priest ran beside them
"The Rapture. Turns out there is a god."
He took a puff from a cigarette.
Stan and Francine arrived home.
"ROGER! KLAUS!"
Stan saw Klaus.. floating upside down in his fish bowl. He hadn't disappeared like the others. It seemed more likely the scientists were Klaus's body was being controlled from or maybe the actual Klaus had been raptured. Roger emerged from the basement.
"What's Happening!?"
"I'll tell you what's happening. It's the end of the world! AND WE'VE BEEN LEFT BEHIND!"
Francine turned the television on.
" Authorities confirm the total number of Raptured at 142 million. You may notice that my partner Greg isn't here, that's because he was Raptured. Apparently, God does love gays but only if they're 'tops'. Take it in the behind, you get left behind."
Francine and Stan looked at each other.
"What do we now?"
Stan thought and then his eyes narrowed.
"We Find Jesus."
_
"Hey Kids! I'm Ricky the Raptor. Here to tell you about the Rapture." Said a green hand puppet
"The Rapture is the Beginning of the End of the World. It starts with all true christians. Floating up to heaven."
Several furry stuffed creatures were lifted by strings behind him, imitating swimming positions. He was joined by a hedgehog puppet.
"What about the Sinners that are left behind?"
"Well Jojo. They get to witness the second Coming of Jesus."
The Light became brighter behind them and they turned to face a silhouette. Stan wondered if when this video was made and if the creators believed the man claiming to be Jesus really was Jesus. The puppets were shaking and holy music played. Jojo the Hedgehog continued speaking.
"Jesus Is Coming back? Did he forget something?"
"Nope. Jesus is coming back for Armaggedon!"
The video cut to footage of an atomic explosion, including a house being destroyed. Then it shifted to a mural of the burning remains of a city. It zoomed out to reveal two armies. On the left a horde of monstrous Demons. On the right an army of angels.
"A seven year war where Jesus and his angels will battle Demon soldiers of the Underworld."
Drawings of a Demon and An Angel slid into a clash. It then cut to a Demon holding an angel over his head.
"All leading up to a final showdown between Jesus and the Antichrist."
Jesus was short pointing, wearing a suit of medical armor of blue and gold.
"Antichrist? You mean that blue stuff the yo daddy puts in your car?"
More paintings of the battle were shown.
"No silly. Thats Antifreeze. The Antichrist is the son of Satan."
The art depicted him as a green monster with red eyes and tusks, almost like a humanlike Cthulhu. There were piles of heads around him.
"Well who's gonna win?"
"I don't know, but you don't wanna be around to find out!"
A Satanlike face roared and then it cut to a light blue and a child's voice and font.
A Christian Kids Production.
The word "Production" was made of building blocks. A cross with sunglass and human hands at the end of the tips on roller skates crossed by.
"Stay cool."
Stan slumped on the couch next to Francine. Exhausted. She extended a hand slowly to his.
"Well if we're going to be left behind. At least we're left behind together."
Stan forced a smile.
"yeah."
Roger ran in.
"Francine! Were are all the Boxes of space parts. I'm trying to build a ship to get off world, before demons come and rape our skulls.
A news bulletin came on.
"Jesus will be at the Langley Falls Civic Arena where he will brief all in attendance on his coming battle with the Antichrist."
A group of Children trudged through the snow, on their way home. On their way to South Park. Stan Marsh was at the front. A newspaper blew through the wind. Stan's hand caught it first and he held it up.
"Dude."
He showed it to Kyle
"Jesus is going to be in Langley Falls."
"It's not him." Kyle said quickly.
There was silence in the group.
"What?"
"He had a Stadium in South Park full of followers ready to go. He wouldn't move it all to Langley Falls."
"But Langley is where the CIA is?"
"Exactly and the President is the Antichrist…."
All fell silent.
"I think we should go?"
"What!" was the reaction from Stan's comment.
"The Real Jesus may be there. If there's an imposter he might think its a trap and go there anyway if the Antichrist is there."
Langley Falls Civic Arena
It was night. Spotlights shown and a cheering crowd could be heard.
Backstage, Stan and Francine stood behind a door with a Star of David on it. He knocked gently. The door opened. A bearded man in a white suit stepped out.
"Yes?"
Stan only stared, saying nothing.
"Stan" whispered Francine while gently nudging him. He finally cam etc his senses.
"Oh, It's me! Stan Smith. I was supposed to be raptured but there was a mistake."
"I'm sorry Stan, but what's done is done."
The figure turned around and began to close the door.
"Wait!"
He did.
"I know what is about. It's about the sex in church isn't it? Look I didn't want to do it. She seduced me."
"What!"
"Please Jesus don't let her moral failings screw me out of paradise."
"Moral Failings? You think you're better than me?"
The man looked him up and down.
"Stan…You're right."
"What?" Shouted Francine.
"I am going to rapture you."
"YES!"
Francine stepped back.
"Wait! You're just going to abandon me during Armageddon!"
Stan pulled Francine aside.
"Look. Once I'm in I'll see if I can pull some strings to get you in."
Francine's face turned to one of disgust and she spoke with bitter sarcasm.
"No Stan. I wouldn't want to drag you down again. In fact you don't have to worry about that…because we're through."
She turned and stormed off.
"Frannciiiineee!"
Stan shouted in a whining tone. Francine turned sharply back.
"Stan Smith."
She took off her ring and threw it at him. It bounced off his chest.
"Go to Heaven."
And she slammed the Exit door loudly.
The Diner was empty. Snow covered the ground. The word DINER began to fizzle out, specifically the N and the R, before both letters went out. Francine sat at the Counter. The Waitress brought a plate with eggs and bacon. She reached to her side and accidentally touched someone's hand. She turned and saw a man who had reached for the salt. They spoke at the same time.
"I'm sorry. Go ahead."
They laughed together. They tried to speak again. The same result, both speaking.
"No Really?".
This just made them laugh some more. Their eyes narrowed playfully and they both spoke.
"I usually don't eat here because of the murders but it was right next to the arena."
Both laughed again. A silence fell between them but they kept the pleasant smiles. The man pointed at Francine's hand and the outline of a ring
"You went to the Jesus Sermon too. Did you go with your Husband?"
"I…had a husband, but…it's over, he…left he."
"Well I hope whatever he left a women like you for was worth it."
He put a supportive hand on Francine's shoulder. She smiled back at him.
Stan and the man stepped out into an alleyway.
"Alright then. Rapture me."
"Take off your clothes."
Stan paused.
"oh…I thought they came off magically.
Stan took off his suit jacket, folded it and placed it on a garbage can. When he turns around, Jesus was unbuckling his pants, which were promptly lowered. Stan looked at it and then back him and then his face changed
"You're not really Jesus, are you?" In what was more of a statement than a question.
The car returned home. Stan had hoping to find Francine waiting there, hoping to have a chance to talk it out, but it was not to be. He took the car back alone. When he entered the door, Francine was coming down with a suitcase.
"Oh hey Honey! Good news. I Told Jesus not to rapture because I couldn't bare to leave you behind."
He raised his hands as if to accept a hug, when none came he moved in. Francine put her hand out, stopping him.
"Nice try. You didn't get raptured because that wasn't the real Jesus. He was just some phony trying to take advantage of desperate fools."
Stan began to laugh unconvincingly.
"What!? Next you'll say I let em bend me over a dumpster before I came to my senses! You're too much lady!"
"I know because I found Jesus Stan! The real Jesus".
Francine turned and walked out towards the backyard. Despite how cold it was, there was someone in the Pool. Stan realized who it was immediately as he approached towards the edge.
"You're…the real Jesus."
"Hello Stanley."
"Jesus is back to spend the next seven years fighting the Antichrist, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. He can date this time."
Jesus lifted his hand lightly.
"I always could. Magdalene was my wife [3]. We could marry if you wished."
Francine looked back at Stan.
"Can you believe it. Jesus thinks I'm good enough for him."
Stan frowned, catching the sharp emphasis on the last word.
"Goodbye Stan. Have a nice Armageddon. "
She looked over to Jesus and took his hand. The two walked off. Stan only looked at them as they departed to a car. Inside the car was a group of young children, looking grizzled. Like they just lost their parents.
SEVEN
YEARS
LATER
The Moon was gone. The debris floated like an asteroid built around the Earth[4]. The sky was red. Black smoke bellowed up within a canyon littered with the remains of tanks and vehicles. A long figure rode on a motorcycle across, passing hanging corpses and a sign reading WELCOME TO DENVER with the Welcome crossed out. The figure on the bike wasn't heading to Denver, but passed the ruins of the city to the small town of South Park. In front of a building, formerly a restuarant were parked several vehicles, all armored or armed in some way. A man stood atop the building with a machine gun.
The Motorcycle driver stopped and parked. He entered through the door. There were people inside. A dead Christmas tree in one corner and a juke box in the other. The Christmas Tree was odd and likely old. It wasn't Christmas, and East was about two months ago. From the hooded figure's count it was Early June 2006. Heavy Metal Music was playing. Everyone in that bar looked like they had quite literally been through hell, but they also all looked like warriors. Armed and muscular. The figure was only interested in one. The man at the bar.
Stan Smith's black hair was long with a streak of grey. His left hand was gone, replaced by a hook. The figure removed his hood.
"Hello Stan."
Stan's eyes widened but he didn't turn around. Instead he finished his drink.
"Well. Well. Well. What brings you to South Park Commander Jesus. You missed Easter. That reminds me I got you a Birthday Present."
With his non hooked hand, Stan turned and delivered a swift punch. Jesus took the punch, said nothing and quite literally turned the other cheek. Stan punched again. This time Jesus just turned his head back. Stan turned back to the bar.
"I need a job done, and you're the only man who can do it."
"Forget it Nazareth. You stole my woman."
"That's just it. Francine…the Antichrist got her."
Stan's eyes widened.
_
Stan's trailer was parked near a cliff. A Demon's skull stood atop a wooden pole and a barbed wire fences surrounded it. Stan stirred the pot. Jesus was sitting down.
"I don't know how he got to her, but it means I can't trust anyone." Not even my generals."
Stan polished his hook with a napkin. To his side was the dry remains of Klaus on a wooden plaque. A Grim memorial. There were also several polished demon skulls.
"What makes you think you can trust me?"
"Because you have killed many of his kind."
"I fight for anyone that pays me."
"I also know that you still love her."
Stan scoffed at this. He then gave thought for a moment before turning towards Jesus.
"I'll do it, but not because of her. If I help you. You rapture me off this You forsaken rock deal?"
Jesus nodded his head.
The Motorcycle roared as it passed the headless skeleton sitting and leaning against a post with its gun in its was covered in snow. The post had a Sign. Route 66, with an extra 6 painted on, covered in bullet holes and adorned with a skull wearing a pike helmet. The driver and his passenger passed by the snowy landscape. He stopped at a what appeared to be a mess of bloody wings and rings with eyeballs on them. What appeared to be a human body with wings also sat ripped apart. Jesus seemed to stop.
"Friend of Yours?" Stan asked.
"Yes. He was."
Stan frowned. The angels were off putting to him, though they had appeared as one would expect, as humans with wings, that was only for our sake. Their true forms turned out to be far more biblically accurate. Something Stan was not prepared for when they turned into glowing lights with rings, a thousands eyes and wings. There was a reason they often told people "Be not afraid".
Jesus and Stan heard a screech above and saw three Demons in flight above them.
"It's a Trap!"
Stan aimed his shotgun. The Demons held weapons, Swords and Axes. Stan held up his shotgun, steadying it with his hook. He fired two shots and two charging demons went down while the third continued. Stan felt his shotgun click. Jesus took out the crossbow from his back and fired a golden arrow. It pierced the Demon's heart directly and it hit the ground and rolled over, dead.
"The open road is too dangerous."
"What if we go through Sector 16."
"Sector 16? The Perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die."
"Then what do you suppose we do?"
Stan thought for a moment.
"I know someone who may be able to help."
Stan and Jesus entered the warehouse. Roger was repairing his ship. Sparks were literally flying. He shouted something at his assistant. A dwarf wearing goggles and a cap who began arguing with Roger in Spanish.
"Lover's Quirrel?"
The two turned to face him.
"Jesus meet Roger. Roger meet Jesus."
"Ah yes. One of my father's side projects."
Roger jumped off the ship with a wrench at Jesus. Stan caught him as if expecting. Jesus didn't even flinch.
"You better watch your fucking mouth!"
"Whoa ! Whoa!"
Roger stopped and Stan put him down.
"We need to book passage on your ship to the outlands."
"God luck. The ship's fusion engines run on precious metals and crystalline minerals so unless you can poop out gem encrusted gold you're out of luck."
Jesus seemed to think for a moment and then reached unto his sack.
"When my army laid siege at the battle of Boca Raton. They found this."
Jesus unwrapped the object. Stan couldn't see it but it gave off a bright light and that glowed. Roger seemed enraptured by it.
The ship took off. It was a spherical white craft with a blue dome. Its destination came into view sometime later, the burning remains of New York City. Stan in private thought that it was surprising the Twin Towers were still standing.
They began approaching their target. The UN Building, a large rad Pentagram was painted on its outside.
"Ok. I'l drop you off at the lair of the Antichrist and then Armageddon outta here."
Roger laughed at his own bad joke. That was when they heard a demonic screech and something hit the ship. Several Demons were clinging on, tearing it apart. The ship spiraled out of control and crashed.
The passengers began waking up. Jesus and Stan slid off and prepared to flee. Roger hit the buttons.
"C'mon start!"
Jesus looked at Roger.
"Thank you, Otherworlder."
"Wait Jesus I'm still stuck here! Can't you just…Send me to Heaven."
"I cannot, but I can offer you something else. After I defeat the Antichrist, everything will be restored. Satan has promised me this much and this time I know he did not lie. You will have a second chance. If we fail or destroy each other, Civilization will need to be rebuilt. It could use your help."
Roger's eyes narrowed, giving his answer. Jesus and Stan walked off. They entered an elevator, which Stan was surprised was still working. Though he supposed that was a miracle. He and Jesus threw down their duffle bags. They were unzipped, revealed to be filled with weapons. Jesus picked up and armed an Uzi. Stan unscrew his hood, replacing it with a jagged knife. Jesus threw Stan a shotgun which he caught. The Elevator reached level 50.
"By the way. What does the Antichrist look like?"
"He was once Damian Thorn but no longer. You will know him when you see him."
The Door opened. Stan saw a teenager standing there in an orange hood. Stan accidentally fired. Jesus reacted in surprise and shock.
"What did you do that for?"
"Whoa! Dude what the Hell!" There was a murmur of voices as a group of teens stepped into view. It had long since Stan Smith had seen Stan Marsh and the others but he connected the dots.
"That was the Antichrist!?" Stan stated clearly trying to justify it to himself but failing to believe it.
"No! No! That was Kenny!"
Stan looked at him and all the shocked expressions of the other teens.
"Then it looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of Oopsie-Daisies."
The Teens continued starring.
"Holy shit dude!" Commented Kyle.
Kenny woke up before Satan. Who sat casually.
"Welcome Back."
He wasn't sure what he was expecting.
"Jesus and my Son are about to have their final showdown. If my son is killed then I will not keep you here."
Kenny nodded at the figure of Satan.
Another Stan, Stan Marsh, was guiding his forces through the facility, looking for something, They found what appeared to be an abandoned lab. They began ransacking the place. Inside was a chamber of some kind. Kyle looked into it.
"Oh my god!"
Kyle immediately pushed a button and the chamber began to open emitting a mist. Everyone backed.
"Kyle you can't just."
He stopped when he saw what was inside now that it was open.
"Is that…"
The group with Stan and Jesus at the front approached a large door with a painted bloody pentagram on it. The entrance littered with skulls. There were piles of bones on the inside. The two hid behind one to avoid a large green Orc like Demon with a bloody axe.
"This is it. The lair of the Anti-Christ. Where Everything's…Anti-me.
The center of the room was filled with upside down crosses. On the ceiling was a desecrated Nativity scene. There was a figure in the manger, clad in white and moving frantically.
"Francine!"
Jesus saw now that it was. She was tied up and trying to break free. Jesus took out his Uzi and shot the Demon guard through the back of the head. Stan took a grappling hook and swung it at the nativity, where it looped around the figure of Mary. He climbed up and began to untie her, starting with the mouth gag.
"Stan!"
"Don't get any ideas.I'm just in this for the rapture."
"Right. The only thing you ever cared about. Stan lowered her down first. Jesus so her.
"Hello Darling."
"Leave the heartwarming reunion for later." Quipped Stan before suddenly the ceiling collapsed. All moved to avoid the sudden collapse of sand and debris. Remarkable it did not last long. Three figures stepped out of the shadows. Two large blue demons are with rifles and between them a seemingly normal human, who's face bore a wicked faint smile."
The two blue monsters fired green plasma blasts. The tree took cover behind the skulls.
"W'ere pinned down."
Stan looked up to see that several figures from the upside down nativity still remained. He fired at their feet and they collapsed. Falling and crushing the two demons.
"It's raining wise men. Hallelujah."
Francine snickered at that.
Jesus turned to see Damian, and fired a crossbow bolt at him. The Antichrist caught it, stopping the arrow an inch from his heart. He stood triumphantly before letting go of the arrow in pain. His hand was burning. He starred at it and down at the smoking arrow.
"Holy Water." He muttered.
Damian pulled out his gun and aimed it at Jesus. Stan saw this and jumped in the way. The Bullet struck his chest. Jesus quickly grabbed him and pulled him behind the pile of bones. Damian had continued firing, but hit only Stan. Stan behind the pile took out a yellow orb with a red blinking light.
"Stan what are you doing?" Asked Francine.
" this place is going to be blown to Kingdom Come."
Damian continued approaching towards them.
"Hey!"
Damian and all present turned to the source of the sound. Standing there, shirtless, was Eric Cartman, though he was far skinnier now it seemed.
" Buttfucker!"
Lightning shot out of Cartman's fingers as his eyes flashed blue, striking Damian and knocking him back. The rest of the teens stared at Cartman in shock. He looked at his hands and smiled.
"Yeah, Cartman. Do it!"
Cartman's hair spiked up and surged as he continued to fire.
"Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritah!"
The bolts of lightning became a streak, ramming Damian against the wall. He screamed in agony. Cartman laughed maniacally.
Jesus kneeled before Stan.
"Why Stan? Why did you take the bullet for me?"
"For the same reason I came here. For her."
Francine smiled. Stan tried to sit up.
"Francine. I was wrong to ever think I was better than you. I wish I could go back and change the man I was. You're the best so you deserve the best. You deserve Jesus."
Francine moved to remove Stan's shirt to inspect the wound. The Bullet had hit his chest. He was bleeding around his neck was a necklace with two wedding rings.
"Our Wedding Rings?"
There was a burst of fire. Standing where it had been was Kenny and Satan. Damian saw them first and through glowing blue eyes from being electrocuted he stretched out. Gritting his also glowing teeth.
"Punish them Father!"
Satan looked over to Jesus.
"No son. I wanted no part of this. You made your Hell. Now rot in it."
Cartman shouted.
" Try this on for size: blood-drenched frozen tampon popsicle!"
Cartman charged his attack further. Damian's eyeballs exploded. He was knocked back. Landing and being impaled on a stalagmite.
His body stopped moving.
Satan looked at the body of his son.
"It is time."
Kenny nodded and looked at him. They were interrupted by a sound coming from Damina's body. The Chest opened up and the body twisted. Damian with bleeding sockets in place of eyes looked at them and then suddenly plunged his own hand into his chest. A strange effect came from his body. A black mass, a pulsating orb, that began to grow like a black hole. Satan turned to look at Kenny.
"Run".
That was his only word, everyone heeded this warning and began to run.
"Now Go! Both of You! This place is gonna blow!" Shouted Stan.
"No Stan! I can't leave you behind!"
Stan smiled.
"I know you can't".
Francine smiled back.
"Get her out of here!" Stan told Jesus.
Stan at least let me rapture you.
"There's no time! The Spell takes too long.
Jesus looked over at the growing orb of darkness.
"He's right."
"Go!" Stan shouted. Francine looked at him and then kissed him. She then began crying as Jesus grabbed her and ran.
Stan was all alone now. He pushed himself up and took out a cigar. He took a long puff.
"Merry Christmas, World."
The irony is it wasn't Christmas. He hadn't kept count and didn't realize it, but the date was June 6th, 2006.
The UN Building exploded. Those fleeing kept running hoping to escape the dust cloud. They stopped once it became quiet. All turned to look at the now empty space. All tensed up again upon seeing Satan. They had not seen him run with them. H enow stood there, coming seemingly from nowhere. He turned to Kenny.
"As Promised I will grant your wish."
Stan approached Kenny.
"Are you sure Kenny?"
"What? " Asked Cartman.
"Satan said he would grant Kenny a wish once Damian was dead. He said his wish is for everything to go back, the way it was, so the whole horrible war never happened."
Stan looked at him.
"Kenny….you do realize…You'd go back to being dead."
Kenny began to speak with his hood up.
"I know..but I learned something today. In the end…and I knew I had to do it for all the lives in the world."
Satan began to speak.
" All very well, then. I will pull all my minions back. I guess I'm destined to live in Hell…alone."
Kyle walked up and hugged Kenny.
"Thank you Kenny"
Cartman hugged him. Followed by Stan.
"Yeah. Thanks for everything."
Kenny removed his hood and smiled at them. Tears in his eyes."
"Goodbye you guys."
And with that everything faded to white.
The naked Stan was led by the angel to a golden door. One of many.
"Here we are."
"I always imagined I'd spend eternity with Francine."
"Stan this is your Personal Heaven. It is what your Heart most desires."
Stan looked at the door, cautiously and entered through.
He was now dressed. It was Christmas and the kids were opening presents. Francine came down the stairs in a new dress.
"Honey. I'm wearing my new dress. How do I look?"
Stan's eyes teared up.
"You look beautiful."
Homer Simpson sat on the white marble, wearing a white robe. The most depressed man in Heaven. A massive figure with a white beard approached him.
"I'm sorry, but heaven isn't heaven without my family in it."
"They exist here as you remember them."
"It's not the same. I know they're not real. I know my real family is dead."
The giant figure sighed.
"What do you truly want Homer?"
"Just send me back to Earth and put off this whole rapture Hoopty doo for another couple of years or so."
"To Do what you're asking I'd have to turn back time?"
"Superman did it."
"Very well. The Apocalypse shall be undone."
The Figure of God sat beside him.
"Thanks"
Home patted him.
"Could you do one more favor?"
"You want me to help you with your alcoholism."
"No I'm in a good place with that."
Homer got up and climbed up onto God's lap, standing on it to whisper into his ear.
"Very Well."
God rose up and clasped his hands together.
"Deus Ex Machina!"
And with that…
Everything Faded to White.
To be Continued…
[1] In the Flashback in which Stan rescues Roger. Roger asks "You got Tivo?". Tivo was introduced in 1997, placing Roger and Stan meeting somewhere from 1997 to 1999 for this to work. Naturally none of Roger's disguises are convincing in this universe and he is kept at home with the government knowing he is there but allowing Stan to supervise him since due to the 1996 Alien Invasion, that cat is out of the bag.
[2]For Klaus Heisler, a Goldfish's brain wouldn't house a normal human's so the exact process is a bit different. The Goldfish is essentially a cyborg with a camera and Klaus can control its motor functions and speak with a microphone while his actual body is unresponsive. American Dad has the 1986 Olympics in Klaus's backstory but the Olympics are held every 4 years. 1984 was chosen because East Germany won the most medals that year and Jen Weißflog was the top of the field in Ski Jumping, which Klaus is seen doing. Klaus is essentially the equivalent to Weiblog at the time in terms of skill land popularity.
[3] Recent evidence did heavily support Magdalene being Jesus's wife. The church put into effect the law that Pope's couldn't marry to avoid the rise of a Pope Dynastyl I.e. a Pope being succeeded by his son and so on. Jesus not being married would support this ideal.
[4] The American Dad Episode Rapture's Delight has a brief shot of the Moon cut down the middle. Here a more realistic consequence of this is represented. The Moon would be knocked out of orbit and fall to Earth, causing great tidal devastation among other things but the greater gravity of Earth would basically crush the moon and cause it to break apart before it collided with the Earth, leaving it with rings. Humanity would most likely survive this in bunkers and wait it out, largely because the moon's fall would be detected months in advance but also because here people are already diving in bunkers when the nukes fly.
I originally was going to include the Family Guy Episode "Da Boom" which also has an apocalypse. I think when I actually reach that episode it will explain why but one reason is doing so would have meant skipping over the first ever Giant Chicken fight which that episode introduced. While the gag is usually that its overtly long and pointless. That doesn't quite fit into the style of this particular narrative and so was axed.
Next time we will return you to your regularly scheduled program.