Chapter 15: Between a Rock and a Hard Place
The sun was just beginning to rise when Alice and I returned to the house. She went to find Jasper, and I went to my room. After some reading and brushing up on my Quillayute, as much as could be found anyway, I was restless. Having the urge to compose, I went down to the piano and began playing. Imagining Bella's soul swapped and waking up in a strange body, generated images and feelings of fear, yet she behaved so bravely. As if it wanted to have its tale told, a melody came forth from my fingers of their own accord. It had tones of a storm mixed with all of what I had learned about Bella thus far.
Keeping in my mind when she had mentally requested to be left alone, I ended the notes and opened my eyes, even though the piece seemed unfinished.
That's a lovely composition, Edward, Esme gushed.
Nodding at her in appreciation, I went to start again, when she asked, Inspired by someone?
Looking over at her, she stood about ten feet from me smiling from ear to ear. I tried to decipher what was causing her question and odd behaviour. First Carlisle's strangeness and then Esme's combined into a quandary in my mind, yet an actual question couldn't even be formed.
Mouthing at her, "Bella", so the others wouldn't hear, she replied, She must be a lovely girl to have such sweet notes in the midst of her turmoil.
Her description was exactly what I had been trying to capture, although I was struck by the fact that she knew that so easily.
It's been a long time since you've composed, and she's the only new thing in your life. It wasn't a hard guess.
Dropping my head to the side in acceptance, she then wondered, Are you carrying her scent?
"The body's" I mouthed.
She smiled knowingly, Carlisle suggested descentualization?
I grinned like 'of course'.
Yes, that seems like the solution Carlisle would suggest. He is predictable, isn't he?
Smiling in acknowledgement of her statement, we both knew it was the case.
Keep playing, I was enjoying it, she requested, so I did.
The next time I opened my eyes the parts I had written were richer in tones and seemed to convey the complexity of the moments better to me. The sun was close to setting, and from the sounds of it Jasper and Emmett were playing their complicated version of chess.
Rising to return to my room, Emmett bellowed, "Which human girl are you keeping tokens from?"
I opened and closed my mouth multiple times in my outrage, trying to find a suitable response.
"The girl I'm trying to not murder," I finally answered tersely, feeling Jasper's calming influence.
"Something to remember her by, then?" Emmett teased.
Jasper chuckled while his thoughts indicated that he had found humour in the ridiculousness of Emmett's statement.
"Desentualization," I retorted trying to manage my irritation at him.
"Sure, that's what all the kids say nowadays," he threw back at me.
Then, even though I saw the intent in his mind, he was in front of me. He tried to grab me, wanting to see for himself the article of clothing I was carrying around.
"Emmett, not in my house," Esme warned from her office.
Emmett waved towards outside. Moving in that direction, I tried to determine my next move. As soon as we were far enough from the house, I charged at him. We tussled, and although he didn't get in any blows, I did a few times. When I successfully won the exchange, he huffed, and I ran off to find some deer. His antagonising me, although annoying me, had actually helped me exert the excess energy within me as a result of all day fighting my instincts to go track her down and empty her of blood.
The image of her jugular beneath my teeth changed to her bosoms in my hands even more quickly than last time. Then, in a surprising twist, it changed to Jamerica's body. The more that my thoughts dwelt on Bella's character, based on what her thoughts had indicated, the more my body responded in carnal lust for her. It was a strange idea that I was sexually attracted to someone's character, but if vampire mates were two souls finding each other, then it made sense. However, I was repulsed by the idea of finding my mate in a human girl, particularly one so young and having so much of her human life in front of her.
Alice's question vibrated in my mind. Clearly the answer was yes, but it wasn't to her body as much as to her soul. Her soul, even in a different body, seemed to excite me and draw me in. Allowing my mind to imagine the body she presently dwelt in and evaluating myself, I found, in the most basic of analysis, it was no more or less attractive than the one at the Swan house. It wasn't the outward appearance that mattered to me. If I were so shallow as to be pulled in by that, I would have allowed Tanya to 'educate' me decades ago. Yet, I could not deny the reality that Bella's present body would have been objectionable in my era, simply due to the Negro aspect of her inheritance, then correcting myself, I had to add the Indian part, as both were unacceptable in a partner back in my youth.
Going to my meadow, I laid in the grass and considered how ridiculous that notion had been. In my years of hunting humans there had actually been more European-descended men that I had murdered than any other ethnicity. The colour of a person's skin didn't shape their character, except in how they responded to the discrimination and racism they experienced. Over and over I had witnessed European-descended men treat Negro men and women as if they were cattle, only for the Negro individuals to not retaliate. I knew from their thoughts that their lack of reaction was mostly out of fear of the repercussions, but it nevertheless often impressed me. Then, on a rare occasion I had come across a Negro male being violent, it often was as if he was lost in a rage of past events. There had been only one exception in all my human hunting years where a Negro's state of mind caused me to indulge without pause and further investigation.
During the civil rights protests, I had often watched them on television or if Alice had promised a cloudy day, gone to witness. Through exposing myself to their voices and cries to change, I had begun to attempt to see the world from their experiences, which were in such contrast to my own human upbringing. My human opinions of other humans who were not from my class or race were one of the few things that I was grateful to have lost during my burning.
Yet, I found myself hesitant to pursue even a friendship with the soul in Jamerica's body. Examining myself more deeply, there was absolutely a desire to keep her from my world and the truth of my nature, simply because the knowledge was a death sentence according to the Volturi. However, there seemed to be a remnant from my human years that was also hesitant. A relationship with someone of another race was taboo and meant being shamed and rejected by the community.
Certainly I couldn't imagine any of my family caring about the quantity of melanin in someone's skin. They would care, well, Rosalie and Jasper, would care that she was human, full stop. Jasper's years with Maria resulted in him seeing no differences in humans, as they were all food. Rosalie resented and envied all humans with little discrimination. The only bias she had was against rapists, paedophiles, and abusers. In contrast, Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Emmet would probably each encourage a friendship, albeit each of them would likely have different reasons.
Then, there was the reality that the body Bella inhabited was of Quileute ancestry. Without doubt, that would be the element that would create the most objections from the family. To befriend a human from a divorce with no siblings was one thing. To befriend a Quileute was another all together. Uncertain of what to do, I tried to imagine a path forward. Staying clear of her seemed the most prudent, but even the thought brought me sadness. It was an impossible situation with no answer in sight.
A/N: I chose the labels for the ethnic groups that make up Jamerica's heritage based on what closest matched the Edwardian era, as I believe Edward's internal language would have kept those labels. No disrespect or microaggression is meant. Please forgive me if they disturb you in any way.