"Captain?" Chakotay answered his door. He was surprised to see her standing there and smiling tiredly at him. "Shouldn't you be in bed?", he admonished her gently. When she hadn't returned to the bridge after her talk with Tuvok, he had assumed that she had taken the time to rest. It alarmed him to see her looking not only more tired but actually sick.
Kathryn laughed softly. "Funny, I wanted to ask you the same."
"Then let me rephrase that: I need to go to bed, but you need to go to sickbay." He worriedly held her gaze imploring her to see reason.
She nodded. "I will go down shortly. May I come in first? I need to talk to you."
Feeling that he had won a small victory while simultaneously fretting that she gave in way too quickly, he moved aside to let her in. "Of course."
His eyes fell onto the plate in her hands. Her gaze followed his. "Oh! They are for you."
"Thank you." He carefully took the plate off her slightly trembling hands. "No. 14?"
"What else?" They shared a quick smile, a memory of an easier time. "I literally wanted to earn some brownie points."
"Kathryn, there is no need…" he protested.
"Well, I do need to apologize. And we both know that I am not good at this. So…" She looked up at him. "I am sorry. I should have told you from the very start. I handled this situation all wrong. And if I made you feel as if I didn't trust you or that I didn't want you as my friend anymore, then I can't apologize enough. That was never my intention."
At some point, her hand had found its familiar place over his heart. "I value your trust and your friendship far too deeply. Please forgive me. I… I don't think I can do this, anything, without you."
Chakotay placed his hand over hers. "You don't have to, you never had to. I am here for you." His voice broke and he had to clear his throat. "And I, too, am sorry. My behavior yesterday evening was absolutely appalling. I spent all of last night alternately being angry at you, at Seven, at myself, mostly at myself at the end. I can't forgive myself for being so blind. You build up a wall around you every time you are hurting. I knew that and I chose to ignore it. I have been a lousy friend. Can you forgive me?"
"But I pushed you away. There is nothing…," she started to argue, but Chakotay put a finger on her lips.
"Shhhh. Let's forgive each other, but also…"
"Also ourselves?" she asked with a lopsided smile.
"Yes, and that's the hardest, isn't it?" Chakotay's answering smile was rueful.
"Very much so," she whispered.
"Just tell me why. Why did you want to carry this burden alone?"
"I am the captain." A statement so simple yet so loaded it hit him to the core. He had always suspected that Kathryn Janeway had never taken on any assignment lightly, that she had always striven for her best. With Voyager it was much more. He knew she would give her all to protect her crew and she had more than once endeavoured to go on a dangerous mission in order to protect them. She would serve her people until the end but never burden them with her personal problems.
"Oh, Kathryn!" Chakotay put his arms around her and drew her close. He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent. How he had missed her! He felt tears sting his eyes and allowed them to overflow, grieving their lost time together and all these months of her silently carrying her burden on her own, of her being alone, after everything he had always promised her.
They stayed wrapped in each other's arms for a while, both needing it, drawing strength from each other, until Kathryn stiffened.
"Kathryn?" Chakotay backed up a little. Had he gone too far? What he saw frightened him: she had gone even paler, if that was at all possible.
Her eyes were closed and she seemed to be clenching her teeth. Perspiration had broken out on her brow.
"Kathryn, what's wrong?"
Her only response was a shake of her head.
"You need to go to sickbay. I am calling the Doctor." He felt panic settling in.
"No… please," she pleaded. "It'll take… just a moment."
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked in desperation.
"Would you… hold me?"
Of course. Chakotay carefully tightened his grip on her trembling form and slowly lowered her to the ground before her legs would lose the strength to keep her upright. He briefly considered carrying her to the couch but didn't want to risk causing her additional pain. So he cradled her in his arms instead, hoping to infuse some comfort.
He didn't know how long they sat like this, it seemed more like an eternity than mere minutes. And it was hard watching her suffer silently in his arms. How often had she done this alone in her quarters or the ready room? The realization had come during the long night of what he didn't want to be true last evening: Kathryn would never give up her captaincy lightly and every time she had considered it before, they had almost lost her. Over the course of the day, his worry for her had intensified, especially considering what Hansen hadn't been telling him and what Kathryn had admitted. Still, it had felt somewhat abstract. Now, fear and guilt settled like a stone in his stomach. What she must have endured while he was having dates with Seven. The thought made him nauseous.
"Stop that!" Even though her voice was weak it still held a hint of steel.
"Kathryn?"
"I know a guilt trip when I see one. So stop it."
"Sorry." He gently brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Are you feeling better? Should we move to the sofa? The floor must be quite uncomfortable."
"Yes and yes. Though I don't think I can get up," she admitted.
Chakotay ended up carrying her to the couch, which was much easier than it should have been. As he kneeled before her he couldn't help but feel another twinge of guilt.
"Can't the Doctor do something? You shouldn't have to suffer like this." He couldn't quite keep his frustration out of his voice.
"He will have me on stronger medications tonight," she assured him.
"That's good." Chakotay was relieved. If they still had a margin with the medication then surely things weren't as bad as it seemed. Then he did a double-take. "Hold on, why aren't you on them already?"
Kathryn averted her eyes. "They are quite strong and the side effects would have prevented me from adequately doing my job."
Chakotay opened his mouth to argue then closed it again. Their friendship was too fragile and precious to admonish her for her choices and just being who she was. He only shook his head. "Why do you always have to take the most difficult road?"
"That's the Jane-way," she punned.
He groaned. "Glad to see that you haven't lost your humor." He glanced at her face. Despite her pallor and gaunt look, there was a smile tugging at her lips, and her eyes still held a sparkle. A surge of love struck him like lightning and he couldn't help but kiss her sweaty brow. He would have kept on kissing her - as if a dam had finally broken - were it not for the shock it gave them both.
He jumped up, trying to make himself busy. As he retrieved a washcloth and a towel from the bathroom, he tried to breathe. It hadn't even been a real kiss, just a friendly peck, right? Though as he used the cloth to gently wash the sweat and tears off her face, he found himself gazing into her eyes for far too long. Her spell released him when she blinked. Chakotay swallowed and looked away. Hurriedly, he got up, only to walk slowly to the replicator, trying to put some distance between them, literally and emotionally. He hadn't really crossed the line. The barrier they never crossed but often blurred. And yet, when he helped her to drink some water from the glass he had ordered, neither of their hands were quite steady. He wasn't sure what unnerved him more, her continuing silence or the prospect that she might speak. He looked around his living room. Should he get her a blanket?
"Will you sit down already? You are making me dizzy," Kathryn ordered him wryly. She even had the audacity to look amused. So Chakotay awkwardly sat down next to her. She immediately leaned into him. Surely a sign of her exhaustion? Ever so carefully he put his arm around her. When she remained quiet he slowly relaxed. He heard her sigh and saw her close her eyes, settling deeper into his embrace. This could have been the making of a perfect moment, were it not for…
"Let's go home," he blurted. "Let's take Hansen up on her offer. After all, it is Seven we are talking about. She must've planned everything to a tee."
Her eyes flew open reflecting the light of the stars. "You know," she said after some time, "Harry, in his enthusiastic way, is right. This ship has become our home. I know every nook and cranny. I can tell by the vibrations at which velocity we are traveling or if there is an irregularity. The stars," she gestured at the viewport, "give me comfort. This crew has indeed become a family, a family which is very dear to me." She paused, then continued with a crack in her voice. "But I forgot that for a long time now 'home' has been you."
Another wave of love ran through him, slowly this time, warming him like a fire. He placed another kiss on her temple. "Yes," he whispered. He marveled at how content he felt, though he also felt ashamed of himself. Was he really that fickle?
Dating Seven had been … intriguing. He had felt like a treasure hunter as he was getting to know her. Every now and then, he did find gems he hadn't known existed under her rather cold and haughty exterior. Each gem twinkled and glowed with a soft light he had really not expected. Collecting these gems was quite exhilarating. Also, and he hated to admit it, it was nice to guide her in a field she was not instantly an expert of. Her vulnerability had called to his protective instincts. They had taken it slow, their relationship never progressing past a few kisses.
But only now did he realize how incomplete he had been. Where he had found gems in Seven, Kathryn was the light they were reflecting. He finally saw all the work, the patience, and love she had poured into the ex-Borg, shaping her into the fine woman she had become. Of course, he couldn't discount the Doctor's efforts, however the Doctor had provided the knowledge, Kathryn the heart. And she was the missing part of him he had been looking for elsewhere.
He longed to kiss her again, and hopefully properly, too, but he could tell from her changed breathing rhythm that she had fallen asleep on him. Again. Chakotay smiled to himself. This was becoming a pattern. He didn't mind. Sitting here with her, holding her, was much more than he could have hoped for. The fire had died down to glowing embers in his bosom, but they burned the hottest. And he just knew that they would never be extinguished anymore, never had been really. The warm glow lulled him to sleep. He closed his eyes with a content sigh.
Chakotay woke with a start. Did he have a nightmare? He couldn't remember. But something didn't seem right. How long had he been asleep? Kathryn was getting quite heavy on top of him. It was time to accompany her to sickbay and then try to catch some much needed sleep in his bed.
"Kathryn?" he called softly and shook her gently on her shoulder. When she didn't react, he shook her more persistently. "Come on, Kathryn, I know the Doctor is waiting. And you will be much more comfortable." When he received no reaction whatsoever, fear prickled on his scalp and made his insides churn. Frantically, he called for an emergency transport to sickbay.
The Doctor already awaited them, having been automatically activated. He quickly assessed the situation and helped Chakotay put their captain on the nearest biobed. Alarms immediately started to shrill.
"She is in cardiac arrest!" the Doctor said urgently and moved to gather the necessary instruments.
'No! No, no, no, not her! Please, not her!' The phrase was running around in circles in Chakotay's brain while he stared in horror at his unmoving friend.
He was brought out of his stupor when the Doctor suddenly hesitated, a sorrowful expression on his face. "Doctor, what is it?" he questioned.
"Just this morning the Captain voiced her objections to any life prolonging measures. As much as it pains me, I will honor her request."
"What? No!" Chakotay exclaimed. "Doctor, this is the Captain you are speaking of. You can't just let her die!"
"I am not just letting her—. Commander, what do you think you are doing?"
"Buying us time, until you have come to your senses," he grunted as he started with CPR.
"Commander, you don't know what she's been through. We've tried so many approaches to no avail. Getting her back will only prolong her suffering for a few days, weeks at most. We have run out of options," the EMH tried to reason with the distraught man.
"Wrong, … there is still … a chance … if we … go back … to the Alpha Quadrant."
"I thought we had agreed to destroy the Borg hub?" the Doctor asked bewildered.
"Circumstances… have changed. … With the captain incapacitated…I am in command…" He paused as he breathed for her. A thought struck. "And I…order you…to save her." He completed the set of thirty chest compressions. Another epiphany came while he administered two more breaths. "Do you…have her will…in writing? What…she said…this morning?"
"No. She only told me."
"I am…her medical proxy. … So you help her."
This moved the Doctor back into action. "I am not sure whether we're doing her a favor, but it is your call. Keep doing what you're doing, Commander. I will prepare the surgical bed."
Sweat rolled down Chakotay's face and he was glad that they were done talking. He felt her ribs give away under his hands. He hated it! He hated having to do this to her again. But he needed her back!
"Commander, stand back. Now!"
After he had literally held her life in his hands, he was reluctant to let her go, but he obeyed. When she dematerialized, it felt as if his heart did, too.