Modern Family Season 7

S7 E4: She Crazy

Lee was over at the Duphy's house having breakfast. "Okay, who would hate to miss the chance of a lifetime by not helping me build a duck village today?" Phil carried in a nest of duck eggs that he and Luke found at a house he was showing.

"That was some tricky wording," Haley whispers to Luke.

"That's how he got us." He whispers.

"I got it, I would not hate to miss the chance of a lifetime by not helping you, but only because I have work." Claire was proud that she was able to solve it.

Luke explained his plans for the day, "I've got a driving lesson and then a date with Lee. "

"Um, something." Haley's brain froze.

"I'll help you." Lee volunteers.

"Really?" Phil smiled.

"Hey, it'll be fun. Are we going to make a little pond?" She asks.

"Before you guys get ahead of yourself. I have to point out that you found those eggs weeks ago and they still haven't hatched. Should you prepare yourself for the possibility that they might be…" Claire didn't want them to get attached to get their heart broken.

"Alligators?" Phil would be more thrilled by that.

"Dead," Haley said.

"What?" Phil was shocked that she would say something like that. "Can you believe your sister?" He turns to Luke.

"Yeah, I do, they're dead. Come on, Lee. You are not going to be able to handle that. You cry every time you watch a nature show." He hands her a plate.

"The hippo mother was pushing her dead baby to try and get it to walk." She put her plate down on the kitchen island to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Thanks, Dad," Luke sighs, hugging her.

"The only thing dead in this kitchen is your childlike sense of wonder." He glares at his son. Luke pulled Lee to eat in his room. "It'll be great, Lee." Phil was happy that some youth didn't go for the dark side of things.

They sat down on the bed. "So, the ducks are dead." Luke was worried that today was going to end with her being a sobbing mess. The last time she went home like that after hanging out with him, her dad tried to fight him. Now, before they go to the movies he looks up the reviews.

"I'll be fine, Luke. This will be a good way for me to bond with your dad." It wasn't about the ducks for her. It was about getting to know Phil.

Lee was building the small townhouse that was going in the duck village. "So. you know you're going to have to build another village when they get bigger, right?"

"Yes, then we will be able to make a village that is even better than this one." He painted the names on the mailboxes.

Claire came in and opened a cabinet for duck feed to fall on her. Phil got up to help her dust it off. Mitchell and Lily came in. "So, what's this super fun project you want me to help you with?" He asked.

"We are building a duck village." He smiled. They made a sound of disappointment.

"Hey Mom, my driving instructor just canceled on me." Luke came in to tell her.

"Oh, shoot fine, I'll take you." Mitchel would do anything to get out of this.

"Oh, shoot, fine, I'll sit in the back." Lily tried to get out of it too.

"No, no, no, you're going to stay and help Phil." He pushed her to him.

"Let's go meet your cousins." Phil guided her to the table they were working on.

"Thank you, Uncle Mitch. I'll say bye to Lee then I'll be waiting in the car." He walks over to the table. He leaned down to kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. "Don't be daydreaming about playing with ducklings because they're dead." He pats her head before walking away.

"Don't crash." She put fake cheer into her voice.

"I don't think the lights are working." Phil played with the lamp that was pointing at the eggs.

"Lee, why are you going out with Luke? I mean you're smart, pretty, and rich. You have to have other options." Lily asked.

"Lily, Luke is smart in his way." Phil defends him.

She let out a hum while staring at Lee. "Love is a feeling, not a checklist. When I'm with Luke I feel free and happy. When I am so mad at him that I want to punch him in the Adam's apple, all he has to do is give me that crooked goofy smile and I melt."

"That is so sweet." Phil teared up.

"Sounds like you're ripping yourself off." Lily put the mini barn together.

Lee and Phil were looking at their work with pride. Lily was begrudgingly standing next to them. "This is the post office, because where else are they gonna get their bills?" He laughed at his joke. He put two fingers on the road and made them walk. "Of course, you got to waddle past this guy to get to the nail salon." He passed the mini billboard of his real estate sign. "And word on the street is they're putting in a CrossFit next door." He put up a coming soon sign.

"Why are these two eggs sticky?" Lily swipes her hand on his shirt after touching the eggs.

"Because, the neighbor's dog is a real slobber, but lucky he's not very fast." He told her.

"My teacher says that there are no such things as weird, just different." She told him, hoping to make him feel better. Lee bit down on her fist to stop her from laughing. Lily made this day enjoyable.

"Aw, that's a lovely random thought." Phil looks away from her. "I drew up plans from a Duckingham palace, but I can't find them so I guess we'll just have to wing it." He pulled out a duck call to blow in it.

"What the heck is that?" She looked offended that he blew it in her face.

"Oh, it's a duck call to make ducklings feel safe." He explains.

"I'm glad you're here Lee." She looks at the teenager.

"I'm glad to be here." She smiles at the child.

"As you can see, our little duck harbor has a working lighthouse." He lit the top of it with a grill lighter. "It's working, pretty cool, huh?" He dropped it when he saw Lily pick up an egg. "Easy, easy, forget everything you've ever heard about eggs. They're quite delicate." He took it from her. Lee was seeing where Luke got his personality from.

When he went to put it back, he knocked over the lighthouse, setting the nest on fire. "Son of a…" He grabs the eggs from the burning nest. He put them on the table. One egg rolled down a ramp that was going to lead to the ducky pool. Lily and Lee scream when Phil runs on the road and almost gets hit by a car to save it.

Lee and Lily were sitting on a grass display at a hardware store while Phil shopped for supplies. "Well, look at you playing with rocks like a real kid." Phil pushes the cart by them. Lee looks back to see that she spelled help with the tiny rocks. She pushed her arm out to mess them up before someone called the cops. "Oh, I hope those eggs are doing okay. I feel bad leaving them alone." He looked at the paintbrushes.

"Probably safer that way." Lily thought of all the times the eggs almost cracked.

"I know people think I'm crazy. It's more fun believing even when no one else does, anyone can be a doubter." Phil smiles. "Did I ever tell you how I got them?"

"No but…" Lily failed at trying to avoid the story.

"I found them abandoned in someone's yard, the poor things. No mother, no one to take care of them." At that moment, Lily and Lee believed that the eggs were alive.

"So, they're orphans? Where did their mother go?" Lily got up to stand by the cart. Lee followed her.

"I don't know. But, I know I'm all they have now." He took out his phone to call his wife. "Hey Honey, can I ask you a tiny little favor? Can you rotate the eggs 90 degrees clockwise?"

When they heard her protesting, the girls yelled. "Just turn the eggs, lady!"

"Oh god, I'll take you through the labor. Come on girls, they're coming." He ran out of the store with them on his tail.

"Luke, they're here." Lee threw herself at him when he came home from driving.

"I love this greeting when I get home." Luke wraps his arms around to squeeze her ass.

"LUKE!" His mom yelled.

He looked to see that she had ducklings at her feet. "No way, the ducks hatched."

"They're soft and sweet." She drags him over to put a duckling in his hands.

"Oh, they're cute." He pets her.

"Aw, look who's getting attached fast." She coos at him.

S7 E5: The Verdict

Lee didn't know how she let Luke talk her into picking up trash at the park for community service. She had it set up to do her hours for graduation at the library reading to the children. He got her by saying that they go to different schools and need to make the most of their weekends together. Now, she was in a van with a bunch of high school boys. Phil was going on and on about this being an amazing opportunity. She jumped out of the van when they got to the park. Phil calls for them. "Okay men and Lee, gather round. Teachable moment. Don't think of community service as a requirement. Think of cleaning up this park as an opportunity."

"To get hepatitis?" Luke asks.

"To make the world a better place." Phil put his hands on his hips, doing a hero pose.

"That's why I'm here. I already did my required hours." Manny stood next to Phil.

"What?" Lee shouted, not believing he was out here of his free will.

"It's a fancy way of saying he's a virgin. Because that's what I would be doing if I wasn't forced to be here." Luke winks at his girlfriend. Lee smacked him with the non-spike end of the trash picker.

"Joke all you want but this looks good on an application to NYU or KFC." He smirks at Luke.

"Okay, stop trash talking and start trash picking up." He pouted when no one laughed at the joke. They scatter to pick up the trash. "When do you think we can sneak off to fool around?" Luke looked around to see if anyone was paying attention to them.

"Luke, you just told your dad that, we're doing it." She hissed at him.

"He knew already." He shrugs.

"What if he tells Claire? Your mom freaked out when she caught us making out." She panicked.

"I'll deal with her." He was good at tuning her out.

"Hey, there he is!" They turn to see a heavy-set man run up to Phil.

"Hey you," It was clear from his reaction that he didn't remember the man.

"How long's it been Mr. Real Estate?" He smiles.

"Well, you tell me, Mr. You…. How's things?" He was trying to rack his brain to remember the guy.

"Good… How's the beautiful wife?" He asked.

"Claire's great. Thank you so much for asking." He nods. "How's your situation?"

"You know, same old, same old." He shrugs before going on to what he came over for. "I'm glad I ran into you like this. My car just got towed and my wallet and cellphone were in there… could you possibly lend me some money for a cab fare or…"

"Yeah…" Phil pulled out his wallet to hand him some money. "How 40 with a little extra in case you run into trouble? I want to make sure you get back to your house…"

"Thanks, man, you're the best." He patted his back.

"Hey Dad," Luke and Lee walk over to them.

"Oh my god, the last time I saw you, you were so small. I better run, thanks, pal." He patted his back one more time before running off.

"Alright buddy, good to see you." He waved.

"Dad, that guy just scammed you," Luke told him.

"No, he didn't." He shook his head.

"It's a classic scam, you pretend to know someone and then borrow money." He explained.

"It's been on the news." Lee backs him up.

"Men, gather around teachable moments…Hey." He jumped when he saw how fast they gathered. They were happy for any break they could get. "Circle, gather means a circle." They formed a circle around him. "What did you just see?"

"A squirrel eating a band-aid." One of the guys answered.

"No, you saw a man helping out a friend in need." He corrects him.

"Friend, you didn't know him?" She tilted her head.

"Yeah, what's his name?" Luke asked.

"That slipped my mind." He admits.

"Did you recognize him at all?" Luke narrows his eyes.

"Gentleman don't be a cynic like Luke. Don't let your skinny jeans cut off the blood to your heart." He nods to one kid who had them on.

"I'm with you, Phil. I choose to believe in the goodness of men." Manny nods to his brother-in-law.

"You have a condom stuck to your shoe," Luke told him. Manny kicked it away, screaming.

After Phil saw the man scamming someone else, he had them pouring the trash into his expensive car. "I guess the answer is nothing. Nothing separates us from animals." Manny and Lee were watching from the sidelines.

"Grow up, Manny. Human beings are terrible." Phil dumped the trash into the back seat.

"Hey, what the hell?" The man yelled when he came back to his car.

"There he is, Mr. Full of Garage." Phil greets him.

"What are you doing?" He was confused about why Phil would do this.

"Payback for turning a bunch of innocent kids into cynics. You preyed on my good nature and pretended you knew me." He was angry that he was trying to show these kids good in the world and this happened. Luke was being his hype man in the back.

"Phil.. Dr. Monty Lemon. I delivered Luke." He pointed at the teen.

"Dr. Monety Lemon was thinner and had more hair and was a good 15 years younger than you… oh." He realized that the man wasn't lying.

"Oh yeah, you're in my baby photos." Luke recognized him. Phil takes the trash out of the car. He ends up having to pay for the car's detailed cleaning.

"Luke." She yelled at her boyfriend who caused all this.

S7 E7: Phil's Sexy, Sexy House

Luke opened the door to a fancy house that his dad was trying to sell. "Luke, I'm telling you that is a stupid myth." She shook her head.

"And I'm telling you, you can't get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tube." He has been telling her all the features of the house he wanted to do it in.

"I don't care that I'm on birth control. I'm going to make you wear a condom just for that." She scoffed.

"Oh come on…" They turn the corner to jump back at people standing there. "Ah!" They were surprised by Cam and Mitch.

"What are you doing here?" Mitch puts his hands on his hips.

"We were looking for a quiet place to study for the S.A.T." Luke stutters out while trying to get his heart to calm down.

"You're not studying acting." Mitch rolled his eyes.

"We don't have time for this, your father…" Cam knew they couldn't lecture him when they needed to get out before they were caught too.

"Everybody Freezes!" Phil screams. Luke closed his eyes not wanting to see his dad's face. The rest of them stay still trying to think of explanations. "Tae Kwon Joe, eyes on those blood bats! Let's burn them down fast!" Luke opens his eyes to watch his father running around wearing a virtual reality headset and gloves. "Come on, Madskillz87! You're supposed to be on spell interrupt! Do not let those casters get off any more frost traps." Lee pulled Luke out of the way when Phil started to kick at an invisible opponent. Mitch had to move when he launched forward to throw a punch. "Lisa, looks like it's you and me on the lava demon." He got down on one knee. "Hang tight! Powder!" He put his hand out to blow it at someone. "Let's send them back to hell this time for Madskillz to make it to his oboe lesson." He got on all fours to push himself up and ran into another room.

"Oh my god, I almost broke." Lee had to bite her tongue to stop laughing.

"And I thought my dad was embarrassing." Mitch snickers.

"Shut up." Luke hissed.

"Let's go," Cam whispers. When they head to the door they hear the buttons on the security pad being pushed. Cam and Mitch run around the corner while Luke and Lee hide in the closet.

"We can do it here," Luke whispers.

"Luke!" She hissed.

"What? The challenge of keeping quiet. The thrill of maybe being caught. It'll be hot." He argues.

"Not when the option of being caught by is your uncles, dad, or… mom." She heard Claire's voice.

"Please, sir, have pity, it's true I'm just a common thief, but if you have mercy I'll make it worth your while." Claire put on an old British accent.

"Oh my god, we're going to have to listen to your parents have role-play sex." Lee gasps.

"Shut up. Shut up." He covers his ears. Lee tugged her earphones out of her purse to put them on. She blasted a song.

They jump when Claire opens the closet. "What are you doing? Get out here." She grabs their arms to force them out.

"Alex and Reuben." Luke didn't hear them come in.

"Alex, there has to be better options." Lee grimace.

"You don't have room to talk, you're here with Luke. He got his head stuck in the banister, how many times?" She pointed at her brother.

"Hey! I haven't done that since I was ten." He tried to defend himself.

"I'm going to grab my razor scooter and bounce." Reuben opens a door to reveal Cam and Mitch. They sang Happy Birthday.

"You know it's no one's birthday. You're probably here for the same reason as these four." Claire shook her head.

"Technically, this is your fault because we were afraid our marriage was getting as boring as yours." Cam came out of the room with his husband.

"Based on her outfit we need to work a little harder." Mitch looks at the revealing medieval costume. Cam nodded when he saw what she was wearing.

"You should all be ashamed of yourselves. I'm the only one authorized to be here. By sneaking in, you've disrespected me and violated the trust between me and my clients and this sexy, sexy house." Phil was yelling before he grabbed his ear. "No! No! Now Lisa's dead. I want everyone out of here right now!"

"At least we have our house still, does Magic Mitch have another set in?" Cam rubs his husband's back.

"Yeah, his grandma's built-up shoe isn't going to pay for itself." He grabbed onto the tall lamp.

"Okay, you need to work on your sexy talk. Let go of the lamp." He guides his husband out.

Reuben follows them out. Alex ran over to Luke. "Okay, before you get any stupid ideas. Reuben and I broke in here so I could help him with his math."

"Well, good luck getting through to that, he's clueless." Luke laughed.

"Oh, honey." Lee grabs his hand to drag him out. They got into her car.

"So, what do we do now?" He sighs.

"My dad thinks I'm spending time at your house, so we can sneak into the pool house." She thought of where they could be alone.

"Hi, guys." Alex opens the back seat door to slide in.

"What the hell?" Luke looks back.

"I'm not going back with Reuben on his scooter." She crosses her arms and leans back.

"So, because you're not getting laid then I'm not, either." Luke was ready to push her out of the car.

"It's fine. There will be other days." Lee pulls away from the curb. "We could go mini golfing. They got a glow-in-the-dark one at the mall."

"You can drop me off at home," Alex demands.

"This is not an Uber. You got in my car so you're along for the ride." She turned up the music.

"Yeah, Alex," Luke smirks.

S7 E20: Promposal

"And when the lights go out, she'll be able to read the glow-in-the-dark ink on your t-shirt." Mitch was giving his idea to Luke.

"Oh my god, she's going to love it." Luke smiles.

"She? Are you planning something romantic for Lee? What are you guys working on?" Cam rushed into the room.

"Nothing." Mitch held the notepad to his chest. Luke looks down at the table to avoid eye contact.

"It's okay, I get it. I'll just be in the bedroom at the end of the hall." He walks away.

"Thanks for your help. All of Lee's friends are getting asked in unique fashions. I got to do something spectacular to ask her out to prom. If I don't then Yasmine, her frenemy is going to be bitch about it…. Is there something wrong with your air vent?" Luke was bothered by the odd noise.

"No, Cam breathes through his nose when he hides." He pointed at the corner he was behind.

"A promposal? To Lee? You know they are looking for chaperones for prom and I thought we could." Cam had been looking for a way to bring it up.

"No, we have tickets to the opening of Cabaret. I'm not missing it so I can tell some teenage girl to keep her dress on. I spent my prom doing that." He shook his head.

"Can I point out the absurdity that you asked this uncle to advise you and not this uncle who hung a Valentine's banner outside his office that said Mitchell, you're the best husband, father, and lover." He took Mitchell's seat when he stood up to get a mug of coffee.

"I didn't love all three being rolled into one sentence. It sounded a little Ozark-y." He reaches over to grab his notepad when he sees his husband trying to peek at it. "No Cam, Stop."

"What?" He played innocently.

"Luke is looking for a little more understated advice and a little less you know…" He shrugged.

"David Stuart." Luke names.

"Oh, I get it. He's quite gay. Yes, I got it." He stood up.

"He is." Mitch nods.

"I would hate to muck up your promposal with my flair and pizazz. I'm sure Lee will swoon with delight when you use a mustard bottle to write wanna go on a turkey burger? Especially since she prefers ketchup." He walks away. Mitch crossed it off the list. He pokes his head out from around the corner. "I would like to point out that Lee loves flair and pizazz."

"You lay across from me." Luke reminds Lee, who came to help Mitch ask Cam to prom.

"Luke, you've told me that like eight times." She snapped. "I know I couldn't make it to the rehearsal but come on, I'm not an idiot."

"Sorry, this is important to Uncle Cam. I think Uncle Mitchell too even though he won't admit it. They were in the closet for their prom so they couldn't enjoy it with the people they wanted to. It's like a second chance for them." Luke was nervous about that and his promposal.

"Oh, you're so sweet." She leaned in to kiss him when Mitch put his hand between them to pull it back when he felt wetness.

"Ew, Luke, you just stuck your tongue in." He wiped the spit on his pants. "Go in, people." He opens the door for them to go in while he grabs sanitizer for his hands.

"Oh actually, I'm waiting for Lee so if I could have the room for a minute." Cam tried to tell the kids to leave. Luke turns off the light before slipping in. "Okay funny, whoever turned out the light please turn them back on."

"They're not working, must be a fuse." A girl stood by the switch so she could turn it on when it was time.

Cam answered his ringing phone. "Mitchell, we have a problem." He didn't think Lee would step into a dark gym. It would seem like a setup for a scary movie, not romantic at all.

"No, we don't." Mitchell hung up since he was standing in front of his husband. The light turned on and Cam saw the students were lying down to spell out prom. "I mean, unless you're busy that night."

"Are you asking me to prom?" He smiled.

"Well, you know, they need chaperones." He shrugged.

"Mitchell, this is the sweetest thing you ever did for me. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I never got to go to my prom." He stood up to walk down from the stands. He whispers to his husband since he noticed Lee was there. "What about Luke's promposal?"

"Well, your husband couldn't plan another romantic thing with a gun to his head and may have pulled out two promposal at once." He pats his shoulder.

Lee sits up and crisscrosses her legs, smiling at her boyfriend. "I'm happy I got to help do this. It's romantic that they are getting a second chance at prom."

"I thought the most romantic part was when they turn out the light…. I said, "Turn out the light!" Luke yelled when he repeated himself.

Lee was going to ask what that was about when the lights turned off again. Luke's shirt glowed, Prom? The dot for the question mark was a heart. "Oh my god, yes." She gushed.

S7 E21: Crazy Train

Lee was on a train to go to Luke's grandma's wedding. "How are you feeling? Like the vibration of the train." Luke looks down at her crotch.

"Luke, is that why you asked me to wear a dress today?" She had on a sundress.

"Yeah, I thought we could put a blanket over our laps and you know..." He wiggles his eyebrows.

"I never knew a guy would like getting fingered so much." She wasn't complaining. Her friends grumble that their boyfriend never likes foreplay and wants to jackrabbit them.

"I like doing the fingering, not getting fingered." He put a blanket over their laps.

"You never tried it." Her breath hitched when he rubbed her clit with his thumb while rubbing her lips with his long fingers.

"I knew the train would get you excited." He felt that she was already wet. She let out a moan when he pushed in two fingers. "You got to try to keep quiet." He kissed her neck. She clings onto the arm of the chair to stop from wiggling around. She put her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. She let out little whimpers in his ear when he curled his fingers. She was just about there when he pulled them out. She opened her eyes to ask what was going on. "Thank you." He took the two dishes from the worker that they ordered half an hour ago.

"Let's go to a room." She stood up.

"We just got our food." He looks at the steak.

"Bring it with us, we'll eat it after." She heads to the private room.

"You got it." Luke picked up the two dishes to follow her. "I love trains." He grins from ear to ear when they pass Manny, who rolls his eyes.