Medical textbooks lining the shelf of Aqua's old room were cast aside to reveal older books Aqua had secured for his unorthodox purpose. There was no expectation of privacy left to the actor when he abandoned this place. Any evidence he'd collected against his father had either been sent to the proper authorities or burned before he confronted the murderer. Things like Ai's phone, most of his DNA tests, and his research on Hikaru Kamiki had to disappear to fit the story of Aqua being the victim of his father and not the other way around. But not everything had been taken in that purge, and what remained had been sequestered into the less interesting medical textbooks where nobody would be likely to find it.
Inside a hollowed out copy of a tome on the medical existence of the soul was a small plastic box containing what remained of Aqua's revenge. Keeping these mementos in their junk bedroom was too close to home for Aqua, akin to placing a rock under his pillow as a sleeping aid. When the past was kept just out of arm's reach, it got much easier to pretend he'd left it behind. After ensuring his door was closed, Aqua undid the sticky latch on the aging box to reveal an eclectic collection of trinkets.
Though a lump formed in Aqua's throat, he remained in control as he started methodically sorting through the presents showered upon him during his recovery. A photograph of him gauchely smiling in the hospital with most of his close friends around him, just as bright and overbearing as the day it was taken. They'd insisted that his survival be commemorated, heedless of his protests. The thought made him smirk, more so when he combined it with the card Mem had gotten essentially everyone he knew to sign in his support. The idea that Sweet Today's director still remembered his name was amusing in and of itself. But it was still just a list of people he'd used paying off debts he'd coerced them into. Simply acknowledging their contributions wouldn't teach him anything.
Ruby had given him a keychain she'd begged to have produced just like the one her first love had carried around. He still owed her more than a phone call reassuring her that he was alright at some point. She'd waited most of her life for Goro's sake; she could wait until her concert next week. Further contact would only exacerbate her stress when she should be focused on her performances.
Kana had given him a catcher's mitt, but that was somewhere in the second bedroom, the only hospital gift that had dared to trespass into their domain. As a replacement, he'd stored a long-expired glowstick to mark her contribution. Saitou and Miyako had given him enough gifts to fill twenty boxes, but he kept the university acceptance letter they'd presented to him before he could even start walking again. Aqua felt a pang of longing to be the sort of son who deserved that level of support. As he hollowed out everyone's love and affection from a box that didn't quite know what to do with it, he reached the less pleasant yet more interesting contents on the bottom.
Aqua and Ruby's half-brother Taiki Himekawa had left him the autopsy report for their shared father months before he would have been able to obtain it himself. Though they'd never directly spoken on the matter and maintained cordial semi-frequent communication, Aqua suspected that the man disapproved of how everything ended. That night had robbed him of any chance to claim his own closure from the man responsible for the deaths of Taiki's parents. Aqua knew it was better this way, satisfaction welling up as he reviewed the report he'd memorized long ago. His own conflictions aside, Hikaru Kamiki deserved to drown against that cliffside by Aqua's hand as the one responsible for ending the lives of Goro Amamiya and the mother he was reborn from. If there were consequences to be had, they should belong to Aqua alone.
In retrospect, such a fanciful dream was impossible. Copies of police documentation on Hikaru's crimes, mostly revealed thanks to testimony Nino provided after the man's death, indicated that the noose wasn't as slack around Hikaru's neck as he'd presumed three years ago. Would everything have been resolved regardless of what transpired between father and son that night? But trying Hikaru for the words he allegedly spoke alone would have been difficult, if not impossible. Aqua had learned this fact quite well when the police had investigated the actor for his involvement with Hikaru's demise. Maybe his plan was no better than the scribbled ravings of an adult trapped in a child's body still fresh from the scene of watching his mother bleed out in front of him. It didn't matter. If he hadn't meted out justice that night, it could have been Ruby or Kana's body going cold at his side next. The mere thought convinced all parts of him for now that forcing the murderer's hand with his own was the correct choice. Unfortunately, it didn't give him any answers about what to do next.
His gift from ex-girlfriend and fellow actress Akane Kurokawa, if it could be called that, was his phone. The device had died much faster than Aqua when it went over the cliff. She'd returned it along with an airtag she'd managed to sneak onto it at some point as an explanation for her sudden heroic arrival to save his life. Her claim was that this made them even. Aqua would have agreed had she given him the chance instead of slapping him and fleeing. In some ways, she could be more obdurate than Kana when it came to matters of the heart, but that was exactly why Aqua had to pull away.
Of everyone, Akane was the closest to understanding the depths of Aqua's revenge plot, and thus their distance even today had been necessary for her safety. Regardless, Aqua found himself sorely missing her consultation as he set the broken phone aside. Akane seemed to be able to read him better than anyone he'd met, even Ruby, until the night it mattered the most. It wasn't clear whether she blamed herself or him more for this failure, but the unclaimed guilt had kept them separate until the present day. Her name joined Ruby's and Taiki's on the list of those who still demanded something of him.
Finally, three items of import remained in the box. First was Goro's Ai keychain, stored where Aqua was sure that nobody else would find it. He didn't know if the tender feeling rising in his chest was because of Goro's adoration or Aqua's pride in the job he'd done. Either way, holding the visage of his mother up to the light didn't stir any emotions he didn't recognize. The girl who'd asked Goro to hold onto it for her was alive and well. While it wasn't why he was here, he pocketed the keychain and focused on the remaining items he was hoping he could have afforded to ignore.
The most recent additions to the box were a crow's feather and the results of a DNA test conducted on the crow's owner. It had been hand delivered by the girl herself and proudly stated that the substantial submitted sample was insufficient, as it did not relate to any person, living or dead. As he held the feather aloft, the room around him shifted. His bed behind him stretched and flattened into his hospital bed, matching the various medical devices hooked up to his prone form that he still didn't fully understand the purpose of.
Two weeks of the still nascent recovery process had left Aqua nonplussed. Perhaps the police were being coy with what they knew about Hikaru Kamiki's death. He was still being treated well in a nice hospital rather than whatever treatment suspected murderers were supposed to get. The warm light filtering through his private hospital room every morning probably should have been masked by iron bars from day one. He'd heard the official story from his visitors ad nauseum, but the lie hadn't sunk in yet. Surely the wall of flowers and balloons would wilt and pop if he closed his eyes long enough. Murderers didn't deserve to be treated so well. It was all still a dream. "Do you want to wake up?"
A murder of crows fled the scene from Aqua's window. Basking in the early evening light by the window was the girl who'd given him this life he'd tried to end, a piece of paper in hand. "It took a lot of work to cover up your stupidity, you know. Setting the stage, burning the evidence, turning the right heads away. Lots of deals had to be made. I wasn't able to get everything I wanted." The paper was placed on Aqua's broken leg.
Hearing from this pest was the last thing Aqua wanted at the moment. "Sorry to hear that. Would you mind getting the hell out of here?"
The pest pouted, folding her arms. "I'm not sure what I expected from a twisted soul like yours. I even went to the trouble of giving you your answer. You wanted to know if reincarnation was in the cards for you, didn't you? Figured you'd be punished and reset like the naughty little cheat you are?"
Aqua didn't respond. The thought of a do-over was too convenient. Knowing that it was possible didn't make reverse engineering the process even remotely feasible from a medical standpoint. The pest snickered at the indecision plastered over the soul she'd saved. "How cute. Well, I'll say my piece and leave you to your devices, just like you want. You wanted to learn about me to understand how reincarnation worked. Here's all you need to know for now, and before you ask, your sister has not heard what I'm about to say. Think of this as your divine reward for playing your part so… adequately. In order for a soul to be reincarnated, there mustn't be a single living soul that still loves the deceased soul. Not. One. Soul." Her expression was a smiling mask that betrayed no reverence for the weight of her claim.
Not one soul. Even in memory the words still haunted Aqua. It explained the time difference between Sarina's death and Ruby's birth but little else. Multiple questions bubbled up within him, but there was no way to change the only one he'd asked in the moment. "Does that mean Goro Amamiya, or Aqua Hoshino?"
"That's all you have to ask? You're thinking too small. God has kindly given you a chance so few people ever get, you know."
"If you're not going to be helpful, then get the hell out of here. And don't you dare say what you just told me to Ruby."
The girl brushed white hair over her shoulder as she checked the medical chart attached to the foot of Aqua's bed. "Was your hearing damaged? I'm rather fickle, you know. I didn't have to accommodate your lunacy. I don't have to help you, and I can say what I want."
"But you did," Aqua countered, sitting up with some difficulty in bed. "Because it was beneficial for you if Kamiki burned cleanly. A messy story wouldn't have ended in your favor given that you consider yourself responsible for Ruby. And now, you're going to ensure this secret is kept, for her sake regardless of how I treat you."
Crimson eyes gleamed dangerously. "Don't overstep your bounds, mortal. I obey no human whims."
"Treat it however you like. The truth belongs to you and me alone, and if you prefer it that way, you'll never meddle with us again. I will protect the people I love from everyone, even myself and you if necessary."
A crow cawed into the silence that passed between them. While they were never friends and Aqua was often openly hostile toward her presence, this was the first time he'd legitimately threatened the god. The light eventually faded from her eyes, replaced by the same enigmatic smile that neither approved of nor rejected his actions. "I was beginning to wonder if the thing they fished from that ocean was the right soul. Take some time to stew on your question. You'll get the chance to protect something soon enough, though you should probably consider what that is more carefully. Maybe you think all of this was orchestrated for your sake, but there were plenty of other preferable outcomes to this story." Her grin widened maliciously as she gave Aqua's leg a firm pat that sent a jolt of overwhelming sensation through what was supposed to be a completely numbed limb.
"Such a lucky soul, to be blessed with so many do-overs. Kindly understand the purpose behind this luck by the time we meet again, Mr. lost soul."
There was nothing Aqua could say to that. Remembering it sounded eerily like what the director had asked of him. He could tell even now that if he'd pushed the envelope the crow girl would likely have obliterated him. All it took was a blink for her to vanish from his room, leaving only the cawing of crows to affirm she was even there. The conversation had ended his interest in pursuing reincarnation as a viable option. After all, the pest had essentially told him both that it was impossible and that his sentence had been delayed, rather than carried out by his own hand as he desired. If he saw that girl again now, would Goro or Aqua answer her question first? The fact that he didn't know was what had led him to cast this research aside. Because he was alive, it was his responsibility to care for those who lived along with him rather than pursue fruitless ends.
As he returned to reality, Aqua realized he was crushing the delicate feather in his grip. The unintentional act brought Aqua some satisfaction. This child didn't control his destiny anymore. His choice to live was his own, and all that remained was to determine who he was so he could move forward effectively. Was he Goro, playing the role of Aqua, or the reverse? That was the only decision he had to make. Digging up these relics was supposed to grant him some insight, but it only left him more confused. Goro wouldn't suddenly start speaking in his dreams again just because he'd retrieved the man's keychain.
If he was Goro, then he needed only to stay his current course and be the doctor he always wanted to be. If he was Aqua, then the promise the pest made and his own desires for the future would need to be reevaluated for the sake of those around him. Neither man was free as a consequence of their choices the day that Hikaru Kamiki died. Whichever of them had been left behind had consigned the other to carry the weight of their black deed until they were united again. It was possible that this burden couldn't be lightened.
Though he combed through the box once, then twice more, nothing stirred within the actor. It was as if he was glimpsing through a window into someone else's life, little pockets of joy that piled up into a story about someone that couldn't possibly match the description of the person reviewing them now. Anxiety slithered up Aqua's spine, his hands catching themselves in a tremble as he attempted to straighten out a set of papers. His residency would loom over him long before his answers at this rate, and he'd fail everyone he cared about again. That was the punishment he'd failed to escape. It was what he deserved.
"I figured it'd be something like this."
Kana's voice snapped Aqua out of his stupor. He instinctively began to hide some of the papers he'd been examining before pausing, collecting his thoughts and turning to face his girlfriend without finishing his task. "Polite people usually knock, you know."
"They also don't take half an hour to find textbooks. I've had to entertain Mem all by myself out here while she frets over you not being able to help her cheat school."
"It's crazy how they never talk about the real perils of stardom. You should mention that in your next interview."
Kana clicked her tongue in irritation. She crossed the room to scrutinize what Aqua was reviewing. His impeccable charm wasn't deterring his girlfriend in the slightest. "Yeah, whatever. Now then, out with it. You've had long enough to gather your thoughts, haven't you? What's going on?"
Aqua's response came before he could even think about it. "I just felt nostalgic, Kana. I told you and Miyako I'd be fine by the time I came back to work and I meant it."
"You probably did, and that's what ticks me off. Look, you don't have to spill your guts to me. I get not wanting to talk about the past. But you do have to tell me if you still need me or not."
The doctor looked up from his kneeling position by the bed. Every household should have a Kana Arima as far as he was concerned, but he doubted that was what she meant. "Don't talk like that. You shouldn't need me to need you, Kana."
"Wow, check out Mr. Conceited over here. Let's ditch the pretenses, Aqua. You've used me as long as you've known me and I've let you do it because I needed it, sure. I thought I needed you three years ago at my farewell performance, and you not being there crushed me. I should have learned by then that you would only help me if it was convenient for you."
"Hold on. You know that's not true. Otherwise, I wouldn't have-" Aqua caught himself as he interrupted Kana's speech. He couldn't explain that he'd kept her away for the sake of shielding her from his revenge and its consequences. Kana would take his secret to the grave just as easily as Akane, but he didn't want to put that risky burden on her. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to you because of me."
Kana knelt by Aqua's side, resting her arms on Aqua's bed and her hands on her chin. Only now did Aqua notice the hints of fatigue in her features. She'd been up a lot longer than he had. "You shouldn't worry about that. Everyone I know turned their back on me at one point, Aqua, especially you. It's true, and it hurts because it's true. If you want to say you didn't do it after getting with Akane for my sake, you definitely did it for that farewell concert. It's what this industry is. Or I guess it's what being an adult is. Nobody can completely fill that void I created in my heart with my expectations. And it's not just your fault, to be fair. It took a lot of people turning away to get to this shitty point." She paused, stealing a glance to confirm Aqua's attention remained enraptured.
"But I still love you alone because you never stopped trying to fix that. You make every day a lot more fun, so I keep going. It's an impossible task yet you go at it every day, unflinching. And it freaking works. Some days I feel like I can just let go of everything and move on, like it was all a bad dream, and others I don't wanna get out of bed all day. It pisses me off when you make it look so easy, sometimes. So in a messed up way, I'm glad you're having problems. It means you're still you, and I can be helpful to you. So I'm asking for your sake if I can help, Aqua, not mine, because I do get it, at least a little."
One hand ventured to Aqua's shoulder, massaging it tenderly. Tension Aqua had forgotten he'd been carrying diffused itself throughout his body, muddling his interpretation of Kana's words. She couldn't possibly understand what he was going through, yet if he didn't throw her a bone, she'd start getting the wrong idea about why she couldn't help him. "Kana, you have a nasty personality."
"Mhm. What's your point?"
Kana's smug attitude grated on Aqua more than it normally did. She was making light of issues she barely understood like the greatest of politicians. "Don't agree with me. I love that you're a hard worker and you aren't afraid to snap back at the world when it snaps at you. But what you've said is all the more reason you shouldn't have to help me. You don't owe me anything, Kana."
Kana blinked, removing her hand. "Do you hear yourself right now? I'm the one who should be saying that to you, doofus. I won't let you lie to my face just because you think it'll make me happy. You might think your poker face is good enough for that, but it's not. If we spend our entire relationship keeping score and trying to guess what the other wants to have for dinner we'll never have time to enjoy it. Can we skip to the part where you give up and admit I can help you out a bit?"
It was far more than a bit, and Aqua could see Kana's masked aim clearly. Her beret slid slightly down her head as she made herself more comfortable against her corner of the bed. She was giving Aqua plenty of time for a rebuttal, but he didn't use it. They'd had a similar conversation in the hospital, where Kana had questioned how much Aqua was hiding and he'd revealed enough snippets about the story to satisfy her into dropping the issue. As long as she kept eating it up, he had no need to increase the ration size. "I'll do whatever it takes, Aqua. That's part of the deal as far as I'm concerned. But if you won't let me in, it's a non-starter. I'll let it go."
"Hey, I'm not keeping you out of anything critical."
"Uh huh. I'm not the doctor, but I don't think people are supposed to vomit and pass out on the floor on a regular basis. You can say it's for my sake all you want, that won't make it true. I expect you to treat me like someone who can handle this, Aqua. We're not stupid teenagers anymore. How do you think I felt when I found out you'd been holding your problems back without me knowing? It's like three years ago all over again."
Aqua hadn't been a stupid teenager for a long time, hence the more potent sting her claim unintentionally inflicted. As unnerving as his conversation with the deity had been, dealing with Kana's wrath was a close second on his challenge rating scale. He stood up straight to look down at his headstrong girlfriend, adjusting her beret. This was the scenario he needed to avoid at all costs. "Kana, seriously, listen to me. I am still dealing with my past. I'll probably be dealing with it all my life. But trust me when I say that opening up about it will only make it worse for both of us. There's nothing about my story you don't already know. I need you to be you. I don't need you to break your back trying to solve my problems. You're my only idol, and I'm your hopeless fan. That's more than enough for me."
"That's not fair. You don't get to play that card when you've been holding all your problems back for this long without opening up to anyone. Why are you still lying to me? It's not healthy, and I would know. Aqua, am I your girlfriend or not?"
"Of course you are."
"Then act in Gotanda's movie with me."
"You- what?"
"One of the minor roles backed out at the last minute. Filming would take two weeks, tops. With the director's support, we could make it happen."
Aqua pinched the bridge of his nose. "That doesn't- okay, back up. We're jumping to a totally different topic here."
Kana tilted her head as she rose to her feet. "No we aren't. You need to put your pent-up energy into something more productive than brooding. Tell me you need me, and I'll help you. Gotanda's movie will-"
"No. I can't. Why are you so dead set on me acting suddenly?"
The actress smoothed out the ruffles in her dress and grinned impishly. "Of course you can. You're always acting, aren't you? You've been playing the role of a mentally stable doctor for who knows how long now. If you need me, I can show you how to put that skill to better use. I may be a washed-up child actor, but I know my stuff when it comes to acting out your emotions on stage. And don't say you can't again. You're in that drama airing tonight." Kana hopped from one foot to another, childishly exciting herself with her proposal.
Aqua shook his head as he began to replace the effects he wasn't planning on carrying back with him. "Big difference between a bit part and a movie role. It's not a question of whether or not I want to act."
"Perfect, then you won't have any issues acting!"
This conversation was going nowhere. It was easier to direct the flow of these arguments when Aqua was staring at a screen rather than the real deal. Having Kana nearby was distracting at the best of times, and not always for positive reasons. "We're not doing this. Tell Gotanda to find someone else."
"Then what the hell are we doing, Aqua? You won't open up to me or let Miyako help you. Mem was worried sick and the best you could do was promise to do better with letting her know next time. She tried to hide it, but you hurt her when you blew her off. If I hadn't warned you, you would have bombed your relationship with your only college friend."
"She's not my only-" Mem was Aqua's only college buddy by virtue of his pariah status among the residents, but Kana didn't give Aqua a chance to defend himself, jabbing a finger in his direction to cut him off.
"The point is that you can apologize and hem and haw as much as you want, but until those lips of yours utter the words 'I need help', I can't help you no matter how much I try. Wouldn't that be disappointing to you, to see your favorite idol slaving away at her impossible goal?"
"Well, to be clear, my favorite idol is Ai. You're a very close thir- second, though."
Kana's face went as red as her hair. She raised a hand as if to slap Aqua, then dropped it, clenching into a fist. Before Aqua could correct what he was rapidly realizing was an incredibly moronic thing to say to Kana, she recovered from her shock. "Oh, so that's how it is? Fine. Figure your own damn life out, you big jerk! See if you catch me ever helping you again." She stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her as she went.
Though he wouldn't call himself a Casanova, Aqua knew he couldn't allow his words to fester. "Kana, wait!"
The actress ignored the platitudes Aqua attempted to placate his girlfriend as she planted herself back on the couch and scooped up the magazine she'd been denied earlier. Mem and Miyako looked on from the table as Aqua unsuccessfully attempted to convince Kana to speak to him again. "You know, I really missed the sound of arguing in this house. Feels too quiet when I visit nowadays," Mem chirped as she swooped in to involve herself while Miyako looked on. "Kana, why are we playing the quiet game?"
Kana glanced up from her magazine. If looks could kill, Strawberry Productions wouldn't be on the map anymore. "This thing called me his third favorite idol. He can go die for all I care."
Mem flashed crimson, leaping heroically to conclusions before Aqua could stop her. "B-but that means, if Ruby is number one, and if Kana is number three, then I must be…" Her blush deepened before she waved her hands in front of her in a panic. "No, Aqua, you can't talk like that! Look what you're doing to Kana!" Despite her words, she looked pleased enough that Aqua chose not to call out her mistake.
"She's taking what I said out of context. She knows she's number one in everything else for me." Aqua was startled to realize that he meant it. Ranking Ai, Ruby, and Kana had never been a real priority for him, but when called upon to do it, instinct had taken over. It didn't mean he loved Kana less or that he wouldn't give up everything for her, but Goro's influence hung much more heavily on the other two entries. He would have to revisit this later.
Kana tried to hide it, but she was still blushing for a different reason now. Her pride wouldn't allow her to admit anything of the sort. Aqua had unintentionally hurt that pride by saying whatever he felt at the moment. It was callous and scornful behavior, yet he didn't regret it. Speaking the truth every now and then was invigorating beyond reproach, no matter who it hurt. The ecstasy only lasted as long as it took for Miyako to saunter over to the trio with a glare. "Aquamarine Hoshino. What did I just get done saying to you about treating Kana right? I won't have my talent at each other's throats for stupid reasons. All three of you, make nice. Now."
Mem pointed to herself, aghast that she'd been implicated by association. Aqua and Kana stole a glance toward each other at the same time and furtively looked away. His moment had passed, and Aqua was humbled by his adopted mother. Ai would surely say something similar to him if she were here. But only the living could take care of the living. "Sorry," Both muttered at the same time.
Shaking her head, Miyako motioned to a paper in her hand, intent on changing the subject. "While you're all here, take the time to look over the revised dates for the run-up to the Unscripted interview."
"They haven't cancelled it?" Aqua asked, somewhat incredulous.
"With how notorious they're getting because of all the bad press? In this world you can make a living off of a bad tweet. Sure, they moved it back and claimed that they'll filter everything real nice for the docuseries, but it's all a show, no pun intended." Mem's explanation was filled with a mix of reverence and resignation to her fate.
"It's supposed to be the capstone of the docuseries. The producer of Unscripted and the docuseries is the same man," Miyako added. "They cancelled the two episodes after us but kept B-Komachi's slot. Which we'll have to take back to the drawing board since now everyone's schedule has been scrambled. It'll probably air after Kana's back from her America shoot."
Aqua still found a chip on his shoulder when he considered the matter. "Do you two really have to be part of the docuseries? Can't they just make it on their own? Or just not make it? Ruby is B-Komachi now."
"Bold words, considering your filmography," Kana snarked. "Better that we're involved to ensure that any wild speculation about us is kept to a minimum. It's not like we have anything to hide, so we shouldn't act like it." There was a pointed moment of silence after that remark which Aqua pretended he didn't notice.
"Also, Mem, can you take this interview slot? It's the day before I leave for America."
Mem bit her lip and raised a hand in apology. "Oooh, sorry. Charity stream that day. Man, that's a real shame. Guess I'll have to miss that interview I totally wanted to do really bad oh darn that sucks R.I.P. my dreams. Maybe you could force Ruby to do it?" Kana took a swipe at Mem with her magazine, but the streamer evaded effortlessly by taking one step away from the couch.
"You'd have to convince her to fly out just for that," Miyako sighed, pushing a pencil up and down her fingers. "And convince the studio to pay for that. We're already paying you and Mem handsomely for your… bravery."
The debate continued more or less without Aqua's input, leaving him to quietly excuse himself when the time was appropriate and finish collecting his belongings. B-Komachi's former idols shouldn't be treated as a gossip piece for a docuseries, but there was nothing he could say about it from the outside. The point was supposedly to expose the truth behind the idol group's return to fame, though they'd been unsurprisingly coy about what that truth was. Good press or not, Aqua knew it was exhausting for his friends and sister already busy with full time jobs also having to avoid allowing a scandal to break out. "And I'm making it worse on Kana."
There was no way to make Kana understand that she couldn't help him without hurting herself. He'd done enough damage as it was without exposing himself to her through acting. Aqua's emotional acting relied on his desire for revenge, which had been sated to the point of becoming inert in his mind. Whatever was beyond that was only Ai and the hurt she brought with her. Aqua would gain nothing from revisiting it. If there was a way to make Kana see that, he wished he could. His hand hovered by Mem's card, fingers brushing against Kana's name in silver ink on a deep yellow background.
Kana had signed the card last, and only after Aqua had asked her to. Her stokes were cold, professional, and unbecoming of someone who just spent the last few years as an idol. They were the marks of a child yearning to grow up as fast as possible yet still unwilling to act without direction. They were the marks of a girl who'd just been confessed to and had chosen to sign his card instead of immediately responding. When Aqua looked at himself, he didn't always recognize the face in the mirror. But when he looked at Kana Arima, he felt a love that he'd suppressed for years unwilling to be denied further. To risk that by continuing to completely shut her out now was foolish. Aqua found himself adding the card to his take home pile as he put away the less important trinkets. He would need to take the first opportunity to make peace with Kana, to let her in in a way that could satisfy them both.
It turned out that this opportunity failed to manifest for the rest of the day. His hopes had sputtered when the pair spent lunch plus several hours gabbing with Mem and Miyako, only getting away with promises for Mem to visit more often and for Miyako to handle transportation to Aqua's doctor visits. What time remained in the afternoon was swallowed by errands that had been discussed with much more enthusiasm before leaving the apartment that morning. Kana remained cordial yet distant as they shopped for groceries and a new book or two as evening beckoned. It didn't help that they couldn't afford to make any sort of a scene while they were out in public. The stakes had been higher when Aqua first got out of the hospital, but he wasn't about to let any more puff pieces circulate while both of their positions remained in awkward flux.
"Miss, I'm telling you that it's been long enough. Months, for God's sake. You need to move on."
"I'll NEVER let him go! If you were my friend, you would understand that!"
"What are you crying about? Don't you get that he's gone? Who do you think you're crying for?"
"Get the fuck out of my room."
"I just-"
"OUT!"
Aqua's television blared from the other room as he stoically cleaned their dinner bowls. The couple was watching the airing of the final drama Aqua had acted in before school took the last vestiges of his spare time away. Kana was the leading actress, a grieving widow searching for the man responsible for killing her husband. Aqua had been given the role of one of Kana's friends who gets told off for trying to make a move on her. Not exactly a glamorous scene, but Kana had all but begged him to act with her again and he could only say no so many times.
A vase was shattered against the door as Aqua retreated from the scene in time with the real deal returning to the living room. Watching himself only affirmed that divorcing Aqua Hoshino from the spotlight was the right call. It wasn't jealousy of Kana's performance or frustration with his own aptitude; Aqua wasn't born to be an actor. "You were holding back," Kana noted as she started falling apart into tears on screen.
Kana was perched on the couch with her knees tucked into her chest, toes digging into the cushion like she was about to be blown away. They'd hardly spoken since getting home. It was time to fix that. "Probably because I need help."
The television was muted. Kana tilted her head back to regard Aqua as he circled the couch to sit by her side. Red hair tumbled in all directions as she regarded him with hopeful yet guarded eyes. "Do you really mean that?"
He had no choice but to mean it. Failing to keep Kana in the dark would mean making concessions until he could find balance again. "Yeah. What should I have done better, started caterwauling like you?"
"Don't be an ass. I mean you're not putting any emotion into your act. If you'd show me where some of that emotion has gone, I think it would pay dividends for you."
Aqua looked at the remote in front of them instead of the shattered pottery on screen. "I don't have the time or energy for it anymore. You know that. University takes a lot out of people, and I can't ditch my studies in this interim or I'll fall further behind than I already am." The truth was that drawing those emotions out would cause nothing but trouble for everyone involved if he didn't have a target to direct them at. He needed to seek an alternative, but not at Kana's expense.
"Because it caused you pain. Because you acted for the sake of getting revenge for Ai."
"And that part of my life is over. Hikaru Kamiki tried to kill me and now both my parents are dead, so I don't need revenge anymore. She can rest in peace. If you understand that, then-"
"But part of you doesn't believe that. Otherwise you wouldn't have gone looking for that box. There's something you're not satisfied about."
On screen Kana was preparing a travel bag to go hunt down a murderer or something. Kana in front of Aqua was staring at him intently. She wouldn't drop this topic no matter how many times he deflected. "Ai always said lies were her form of love," Aqua admitted. "I don't think that's a bad thing. I'm in love with you, Kana Arima."
Kana's face went blank. "You expect your third favorite idol to be happy when you chain those two statements together? Die in a hole."
"You want me to lie, Kana? They're my family."
There was a pause as Kana looked away. "I know, but it still bothers me. I was never cut out to be an idol. Acting is what I truly enjoy doing, and being an idol was just a role in the end."
It was eating at her, to the point that even Aqua could tell. "I'm sorry, but you're wrong. In terms of overall talent, you're the best idol I know, Miss Arima. Only fools with personal biases would place others above you."
"You're lying." The corners of her mouth suggested she didn't care.
"I'm telling you what you need to hear, Kana. When I lied to get revenge, I kept you separated from everything. I only used you when I absolutely had to, because part of me refused to allow it. When you asked me to let you help, I froze up and resorted to tactics I don't need anymore. One of the only things that I feel like I've gotten right in my life in a long time has been you, Kana. I don't want you to get mixed up in my personal problems and ruin that. That's why I lashed out, but I know it doesn't excuse my words. I'm sorry."
There was a long moment where Aqua convinced himself that Kana was going to smack him and go to bed without another word. Instead, she chuckled quietly to herself and rose to her feet. "Alright, you. Every lie has a grain of truth to it, so I'll take your bald-faced lie at its word just this once and help you out. However, if you keep all your lies from me, I can't help you and you'll make your girlfriend depressed. We're doing this scene again." She motioned to the muted TV that was currently airing commercials.
Aqua raised an eyebrow but joined her in standing over the screen. "And what would the point of this be?"
"Humor me. Emotional acting is just believing the lie you're telling. Let me show you that you can use me."
"That's not what I want you to have to prove. I don't remember all the lines."
"Good. I'm counting on you, actor Hoshino. I'll be me and you be my childhood friend."
At risk of sleeping on the couch tonight, Aqua gave in to Kana's whim. He couldn't say he needed her help and shut her out completely. The scene was fast enough anyways, and he was confident in his ability to put on a façade if nothing else. At Kana's insistence, he walked into the bedroom and opened the door again to start the scene. As soon as his gaze met Kana's, he was no longer in their apartment. "I hope you have a damn good reason for coming here."
Kana's eyes sparkled with the promise of tears, drawing Aqua into her world immediately. Her presence absorbed everything around them, replacing their high-end apartment with a remnant of a past Aqua had nearly forgotten. They were standing in her old apartment, the first time that he'd visited since being released. Their meeting had been long overdue, but both had been too stubborn to make the first move until now. "We need to talk." Aqua explained, staying on script. They'd spent this meeting affirming their relationship in spite of what work would do to their schedules, but that wasn't part of this act.
"There's nothing to discuss. You decided not to stand up for me when I needed you the most. Do you have any idea how I felt?"
Aqua couldn't imagine. He'd been trying to atone for not being in that audience for three years, but it never felt like enough. "I'm sorry, but I'm telling you that it's been long enough. You have to let it go."
"I'll NEVER let it go! Don't you understand that he means everything to me? How would you feel if everything you cared about suddenly pulled away from you?"
The ad lib irritated Aqua. He took a step forward toward Kana, who was still standing idle by the tv and letting her face do all the acting for her. "Who are you crying for? That man is gone. I'm still here though. If you would think about your future for-"
"There's no future without him!" Kana interrupted with a yell as she swung around to face Aqua fully, crying freely. "You of all people should understand that!"
Aqua understood that perfectly. He hadn't allotted himself the time to think about his future for most of his life. It was a selfish luxury for someone who already had two lives to work with. At this point it was clear that her proposition was a pretense; Kana wanted him to get mad at her. Aqua had no problem giving her what she wanted. "I do understand that. I know it hurt you when I didn't show up to the concert that night. And no matter how right I know I am when I say I did it for your sake, I know it won't be good enough for you. So I'm leaving, just like you wanted. I only came by to tell you I'm done. The man you want is gone, and so am I."
It was Kana's turn to react to an ad lib. "That's it then? A guy like you gives up the second the going gets tough? Or are you saying you don't care enough to try?"
"No, damn it! No. I care more than you understand." He cared more than anyone could understand. He gave up everything for the chance to have to keep his life perfectly in order at the risk of throwing away all those little moments of happiness he piled up. Aqua Hoshino and Goro Amamiya agreed that the girl in front of them was more important than their own happiness. The realization sent his body into shock.
"Then look at me."
Aqua's breath hitched, fighting to stay in control. "No. There's no point. It's over."
"Look at me, Aqua."
"I can't."
"You can. Hey. Look at me."
A hand found his chin, gently tilting him back toward the effulgent actress that had exposed him so easily. She still bore hurt in her expression, but there was warmth balancing it out. "There you go. I love you too, Aqua. I know why you couldn't be there that night, and I'm sorry I can't help but give you grief over it. No matter how mad I get about all the stupid shit you say and do, I'll believe any lie you tell and love you at the end of the day. Because I know who you are, and I know you can't look away from someone who needs you."
Aqua opened his mouth to respond and closed it. He wasn't sure what role he or Kana were playing anymore. The world between them fell away when she transfixed him with her touch. Whether Kana was lying or not was no longer relevant, not when the truth that he needed her right now as much as she said she needed him was staring at him in the face. A glimmer of light that had long left Aqua's eyes appeared as a reflection in Kana's own sparkling orbs. The revelation began to form a pit in his stomach, at the bottom of which lied the truth to the question he was seeking answers for about what the soul inside of him wanted with its body. If he trusted Kana and followed her lead, would he get to see the real Aqua?
Before Aqua could say something, Kana's phone went off, blaring one of B-Komachi's songs into their moment. Instantly, the scene deflated. Aqua's shoulders slumped as Kana angrily scrambled to retrieve her phone from her pocket. The actor returned to his seat on the couch as Kana smiled apologetically to him before answering. "Yeah? Okay. What do you want me to say? No, I'm not coming, I have a date with Aqua. We'll see. Bye."
The conversation lasted less than two minutes, but when Kana plopped down next to Aqua on the couch, she looked more exhausted than he felt. "Are you okay? For real?" When Aqua nodded, the actress allowed the tension to melt from her body. "Alright. Good. Sorry. That escalated faster than I thought it would. Guess I'm no help after all. Pretend you didn't hear anything or I'll never cook eggs again."
Aqua shook his head. He couldn't forget that look she'd given him if he wanted to. "No, I think I got something out of that, really. Thank you for being open with me, Kana. I need you to keep me honest with myself. I'd… like to keep practicing acting. And I'll think about Gotanda's offer. Just let me mull over it."
Kana's eyes sparkled with the same radiance they'd held a moment ago. "Then you-"
"I need you just as much as you need me. You've always known that."
Kana's happy squeak turned into a scoff when she caught Aqua's second line. "Yeah, well, glad you figured that out. You still owe me a good date in a few days, by the way. Work date sucked."
"Was that call about work?" he guessed as she laid her head down in his lap, the exertion of her acting efforts taking its toll quickly.
"I wish. It was mom again."
Aqua's muscles stiffened up again. Kana rarely spoke about her mother. The woman had abandoned Kana and her family when the dwindling of child actress Kana Arima's fame became apparent. They spoke occasionally, but Kana had stopped clinging to her for affection a long time ago. "What did she want?"
"She saw the tabloid about me calling off the interview circuit. Nothing important. Seriously, did that really help? Does your head feel a bit better?"
Aqua nodded as he stroked Kana's fiery hair. "Yeah, a little. I've been letting my frustrations get pent up for a while."
"Of course you have. It's what you do, and you need to stop. I'm here for that, okay? In exchange, we have to go on a real date soon."
Aqua was more prepared this time with a response. "Understood. I'll make something spectacular happen, you just wait."
"I'll hold you to that," she sighed, closing her eyes and relaxing. "I'm too tired to do anything tonight anyways."
Aqua nodded again in agreement as the drama was paused on the tv. He would need to learn more about Kana's mother sticking her nose into Kana's business later, but this wasn't the right time for that. He needed to get his own affairs together before he started trying to help everyone else. "Let's sleep on this, then."
"Way ahead of you."
The doctor wanted to berate Kana for essentially preventing both of them from going to bed, but he couldn't bring himself to do it just yet. This headstrong, hardworking girl was going to help him understand what he needed to do next. Just the thought made the events of the past few days feel like a distant dream. His revenge was done by himself to shield others from the consequences. Maybe it was time to attempt a different approach, one involving him opening up to others and being used more in exchange for continuing to use them.
Someday, Kana would learn the truth about who he was and what he did, and it would be better to find a way to have that happen by his own hand. If he was going to settle the debt his life came with, it was always better to have guarantors on his side. And if a hopeless fan was the role he needed to play, it couldn't hurt to have his idol as close to him as possible. With a mixture of hope and anxiety playing between them, the couple fell into a dreamless sleep on the couch.
A/N: Fire Alarm is the first official single released in 2018 by the Australian Indie pop/rock band Castlecomer. The song reached the number six position on Spotify's Global Viral chart and as far as I know is the band's most popular song to date. Though I'm personally a big fan of Miss December, this song holds a special place in my heart as my introduction to the band and better reflects the conflicts brewing as we delve deeper into Her Favorite Lie.
Song link: watch?v=qThvFJgeJEg
Additional fun fact: This was originally in contention to be the song for chapter 14, but a soon-to-be-revealed song won that competition and bumped Fire Alarm off the list of 20 until I decide to split chapter 2 in half. Crazy how things work out sometimes.
In other news, if I check my watch, it says I managed to get this chapter out with plenty of time to spare! I'm very happy with the room this chapter and the previous one were given to breathe. If I think that a planned chapter would benefit from that sort of division in the future, I intend to repeat this process. This won't change the overall plot, just the upload schedule. Rest assured I haven't changed my intentions for this story. Tune in next time (before December ends definitely) for a Hoshino family reunion and Aqua's incredible dating skills!