Opening Scene:
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY
Fry munches on a stale-looking pizza, while Leela pilots the Planet Express ship. Bender polishes his shiny metal posterior, humming a jaunty tune.
BENDER Gotta look good for the ladies. And by ladies, I mean vending machines.
FRY Speaking of which, I'm outta Slurm. Leela, can you swing by a Slurm factory? I think I saw one on that weird asteroid we passed earlier.
LEELA Fry, that was a research facility for temporal physics! We're delivering this box of doohickeys to Professor Farnsworth.
FRY Temporal physics, huh? Sounds boring. Still, Slurm…
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH (O.S.) Excitement is relative, you imbeciles! This box contains an experimental Chroniton Stabilizer. It's designed to prevent… well, I haven't figured that part out yet. But it looks impressive!
Professor Farnsworth shuffles in, wearing a lab coat that's seen better centuries. He carefully places the box on a rickety table.
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH Just don't… touch it!
Bender, naturally, immediately touches it. He pokes it with a polishing cloth.
BENDER Hey, shiny! What's this button do?
LEELA Bender, NO!
Bender presses the button. The Chroniton Stabilizer hums, crackles, and emits a blinding flash.
INT. RICKETY WOODEN BUILDING - DAY
Fry and Bender land in a dusty room. The air smells of sawdust and… garlic? Fry is dizzy, and Bender's head spins like a roulette wheel.
FRY Ugh… my head. Where are we? Did we land in the basement of a pizza joint?
Bender looks out a grimy window. He sees horse-drawn carriages, men in sharp suits and hats, and a distinct lack of robots.
BENDER Negative. We're in… the olden days! And by olden days, I mean… pre-robot uprising olden days!
Suddenly, the door bursts open, and a group of men in black uniforms storm in. They brandish pistols and shout in rapid Italian.
ITALIAN GOON 1 Presto! Dov'è?! (Quickly! Where is he?!)
FRY Uh… scusi? We don't speak Italian. We just sell… uh… really futuristic pizza?
The goons ignore Fry and shove past him towards a man huddled in the corner. The man is small, wears a ridiculous uniform, and is clearly terrified.
ITALIAN GOON 2 Benito Mussolini, sei arrestato! (Benito Mussolini, you are under arrest!)
Mussolini whimpers. As the goons drag him away, Bender, in a moment of baffling clarity, trips one of them. The goon's gun goes off, hitting Mussolini square in the chest. He crumples to the floor.
BENDER Oops.
Fry stares at Bender, jaw agape.
FRY Bender! You just killed Mussolini!
BENDER He was asking for it. With that ridiculous hat.
Chaos erupts. The goons, horrified, scream and point at Bender.
ITALIAN GOON 3 Assassino! (Murderer!)
FRY We're doomed! If we change the past, the future will be all messed up! I'll never get my Slurm!
BENDER Relax, meatbag. I have a plan. A brilliant, shiny plan. We'll just… take his place!
FRY What?! Are you insane? We can't just become the dictator of Italy! I don't even speak Italian!
BENDER Details, details. I'll handle the talking. You just stand there and look… important. And maybe hold my beer.
MONTAGE
Bender, dressed in Mussolini's oversized uniform and ridiculous hat, addresses a crowd of bewildered Italians. Fry stands next to him, nervously sweating. Bender spouts gibberish Italian mixed with robot puns. The crowd, confused but intimidated by his shiny exterior, cheers wildly. Bender institutes mandatory oiling for all citizens, declares war on dust bunnies, and orders the construction of a giant golden statue of himself. Fry tries to learn Italian from a phrasebook, but only manages to order excessive amounts of spaghetti. Bender accidentally implements a policy of universal healthcare and affordable housing, believing them to be ways to "maximize profit margins" for the Italian people. His logic is incomprehensible, but the result is surprisingly beneficial. Fry, bored and hungry, invents pizza. It becomes an instant sensation.INT. BENDER'S OFFICE - DAY
Bender sits at a large desk, polishing his monocle. Fry is slumped in a chair, surrounded by empty pizza boxes.
FRY Bender, I don't think this is working. We're making things… better? This isn't how history is supposed to go!
BENDER Relax, Fry. I have everything under control. I'm a natural leader. Besides, these Italians are showering me with grappa and… and tiny little shoes!
Suddenly, a frantic Italian official bursts into the room.
ITALIAN OFFICIAL Duce! Duce! The other European nations… they are sending… peace treaties! They want… friendship!
Bender stares blankly.
BENDER Friendship? What's the profit margin on friendship?
FRY Oh, no. This is bad. Really bad. If Italy is peaceful, World War II will never happen! The whole course of history will be changed!
INT. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP - DAY
Leela and Professor Farnsworth are frantically working on the Chroniton Stabilizer.
LEELA Professor, are you sure you can fix this thing? I'm getting weird temporal readings! The future is… fuzzy!
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH (Adjusting goggles) Don't worry, Leela! I'm just about to… recalibrate the… temporal flux capacitor… with a… rubber band!
He snaps a rubber band around a wire. The Chroniton Stabilizer sparks and whirs.
INT. BENDER'S OFFICE - DAY
A portal opens in the middle of the room. Fry and Bender stare in amazement.
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH (O.S.) Fry! Bender! Get in here! I think I fixed it!…Mostly!
BENDER Well, this has been fun, Italy. Don't forget to oil your hinges!
Bender and Fry jump into the portal just as Italian officials rush in, carrying gifts of olive oil and tiny robot shoes.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS - DAY
Fry and Bender stumble out of the portal. They are greeted by a slightly altered Planet Express crew.
LEELA Fry! Bender! You're back! And… the future is… different.
FRY Different how? Did I miss any new episodes of Single Female Lawyer?
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH (Looking at a newspaper) Good news, everyone! Due to some… temporal anomaly… war is obsolete. The world is now unified under a benevolent, if slightly eccentric, global government. Also, pizza is the national food of Earth!
Bender beams.
BENDER See? Everything worked out perfectly! I saved the world! And got a ton of tiny shoes!
Fry sighs.
FRY But… what about my Slurm?
Suddenly, Zoidberg scuttles in, carrying a mountain of Slurm cans.
ZOIDBERG Is this the flavor you wanted? I traded a perfectly good thorax for it!
Fry grabs a can of Slurm and takes a long swig.
FRY You know what? I think I can live with this future.
BENDER To peaceful dictatorships! And shiny metal!
Bender raises his glass of oil. The crew of Planet Express clink glasses, celebrating their accidental contribution to world peace. The camera pans out, revealing a world without war, a world of pizza, and a world strangely dominated by the fashion sense of a certain shiny robot.