Chapter 29: The Missing Crown
Harry: Seriously, how is it that you are they one leading a resistance in the school?
Neville: I mean, technically it's Ginny.
Harry: Of course it is.
Hermione: Then how'd you get all those wounds?
Neville: Well…
flashback*
Amycus: Now I've got you, you little pest. CRUCIO!
Ginny: ACCIO HUMAN SHIELD! *Neville flies in front of her*
Neville: Aww man, not again *gets hit with the spell*
back in the present*
Neville: She did that a lot. Speaking of Ginny, you'll be expecting company very soon.
Aberforth: Wait, what?
Neville: Just show them your secret hole and let them run through it.
Aberforth: What the fuck was that phrasing?
Neville: Anyway Harry, you have some fans waiting for you *climbs back into the hole*
Harry: Well, I suppose I am the best thing in the world *follows Neville, with Ron and Hermione*
Aberforth: *muttering* Debateable at best.
in the hole*
Hermione: So, what's actually happened at Hogwarts? We haven't really heard much about what's going on.
Ron: You'd think we'd have asked Luna about it while we were at Bill's place.
Neville: Well, Amycus is teaching what used to be Defence Against the Dark Arts.
Harry: Used to be?
Neville: Yeah, they changed it to just Dark Arts. Which lasted about two weeks.
Hermione: What happened?
Neville: They had to change it again to Defence Against Ginny. She mastered the whole subject so quickly that she overpowered both the Carrows. They think she was causing problems for everyone, but in reality she just hid in the walls and fucked with them.
Harry: The most surprising part of that is that she only fucked with the Carrows with all that extra power.
Neville: Yeah, well, it's because the Carrows were put in change of punishment, and Ginny felt they were too tame.
Hermione: Really? The Death Eaters were too tame?
Neville: According to her, and I'm quoting directly here: 'if you're only going to use the Cruciatus Curse, then what's even the fucking point?'
Harry: Sounds about right.
Neville: Anyway, Alecto has been teaching Muggle Studies…
Ron: Silly Neville, they hate muggles.
Neville: I know. Most of the classes have just been monkey biology.
Harry: Of course they have. And what about Snape?
Neville: Honestly? He just seems to stay in his office most of the time. He's been the least problematic part of this whole year.
Harry: I wonder what he's been up to. Something super evil, no doubt.
Neville: Anyway, we've tried keeping Dumbledore's Army going, but between Ginny basically hiding in the walls, Luna being kidnapped off the train over Christmas, and now me being in exile…
Harry: Wait, if you're in exile, how are we heading to Hogwarts?
Neville: The Room of Requirement. You see, the Carrows didn't kill me because they don't want to kill purebloods if they can avoid it, but because I've been a big part of the resistance, they decided the only way to stop me is to threaten my gran.
Hermione: That's awful.
Neville: I know. It would have been kinder to feed Dawlish into a woodchipper considering what gran did to him.
Ron: What did she do to him?
Neville: Well, take the worst possible pain and disfigurement you can imagine someone getting, and multiply it by cancer.
Harry: Jesus Christ, I didn't realise Ginny was your gran.
Neville: Nah, Ginny was disappointed she didn't also leave him manually breathing.
Hermione: Can we go back to the whole 'Neville's in exile but not really' thing?
Neville: Oh yeah. So after gran turned Dawlish into a vegetable…
Ron: Was it a potato?
Neville: …the Carrows decided I was more trouble than I was worth, so they tried to capture and/or kill me. So…
Harry: You came to the Room of Requirement?
Neville: Uh…
flashback*
Amycus: *in the distance* I think he went down here.
Alecto: Let's get that little shit.
Neville: Oh man, I wish there was somewhere special to hide in the castle *leans against the wall, only to get swallowed by the wall* Aww, now the castle's eating me.
back in the present*
Neville: Yes, I totally immediately thought to come to the Room of Requirement. And before there are any follow-up questions, here we are *opens a door* HEY GUYS, HARRY'S HERE!
Seamus: Wait, what?
Harry: WHAT'S UP BITCHES?!
Parvati: Looks like you haven't changed.
Harry: Why change what's already perfect?
Padma: So, I guess the revolution's at hand?
Ron: Revolution?
Lavender: Well, yeah. If you're here, you clearly have some kind of plan, right? I mean, just this morning you broke into Gringotts and escaped on a dragon, didn't you?
Hermione: How do you know about that?
Ernie: From Potterwatch, of course *turns on a nearby radio*
Fred's voice: And finally, we've just got word that lightning has struck, so we're wrapping today's broadcast a bit early. But don't worry, you'll be hearing from me again real soon, don't you worry about that *transmission cuts off*
George: *emerging from the tunnel with Fred* Hello Hogwarts, it's so good to be back.
Fred: I wonder if our swamp's still here.
Katie: Yeah, Filch preserved a piece of it for you.
Fred: Excellent news.
Angelina: Do you guys mind moving into the room? There's a bunch of us back here trying to get through.
Ginny: Hold on, I've got this *a sudden explosion sends everyone else flying into the room, while Ginny casually strolls in*
Dean: SEAMUS!
Seamus: DEAN! *the two boys run up and embrace each other, kissing passionately*
Harry: Wait a minute, I thought Dean was banging the Patil twins?
Dean: I am.
Harry: Then what the hell was that with Seamus just now?
Parvati: We're a quaple now.
Harry: A what?
Seamus: Four people, one relationship. And they all learned a dick repairing spell, so it works great for me.
Dean: Only problem is I don't currently have a wand.
Padma: And yet you still chose to come to a war?
Harry: Who said there's going to be a war?
Luna: You're here, aren't you? And everywhere you go, disaster follows.
Harry: Thanks Luna. But anyway, we really have to get going.
Cho: And what do you need us to do?
Harry: Stay out of the way, we just have to do something, and we're out of here.
Alicia: Isn't You-Know-Who on his way here?
Ron: But if we're not here, why would he hang around?
Fred: Yes, why would the evillest wizard of all time come to the place where all your loved ones are, knowing you're up to something?
George: You are up to something, right?
Harry: Yeah, but… *suddenly sucked into Voldemort's mind*
Gaunt House*
Voldemort: WHERE THE FUCK IS THE RING?!
Nagini: I told you that leaving the ring unattended in an abandoned housssse wassss a bad idea.
Voldemort: Yeah, but who would know to look here, my mother's old house, other than…THAT OLD DEAD FUCK!
back in the Room of Requirement*
Hermione: …and we need to find something that belonged to Ravenclaw so we can beat him once and for all.
Harry: Hermione, did you just tell them everything?
Hermione: Why good morning, Sleeping Beauty. By the way, no, I only told them what they needed to know.
Cho: Yeah, that you need something from Ravenclaw to beat him, meaning we must be the best house, right? *gets a cheer from the Ravenclaws*
Harry: Sure, if it makes you feel better.
Luna: There's a reason the author likes this house more than the others.
Harry: Well, he's an idiot. Anyway, anyone know what we're looking for and where to find it? Because we are against the clock right now.
Neville: How against the clock?
Harry: *watching Voldemort flying through the cave* Very.
Luna: Ooh, what about Ravenclaw's lost diadem?
Cho: Luna, it's lost. There's no way it's that.
Harry: How lost?
Cho: No-one's seen the thing in hundreds of years.
Harry: Why do I get the feeling that's exactly what it is?
Luna: You may have seen my dad's recreation of it at my place.
Ginny: Was that the thing I exploded?
Luna: You WHAT?!
Harry: Okay, so while I remember what that thing looked like, I'm going to need to see what the real thing looked like. Is there anywhere I can see that?
Cho: There's a bust of her in the Ravenclaw Common Room. I can take you there if you…
Ginny: You'll only do that if you want me to make your insides your outsides. Without magic. Luna will take him.
Anthony: You know, if you don't want a girl to go with him to Ravenclaw tower, I'd be more than happy to…
Ginny: Who the fuck are you?
Anthony: I'm Ravenclaw Head Boy.
Ginny: Never heard of you.
Harry: Okay, well, me and Luna are heading out. Hopefully this won't be a mistake.
in the Ravenclaw Common Room*
Harry: *coming out from under the invisibility cloak* So this is what the diadem looks like?
Alecto: *emerging from a dark corner* Holy shit, I can't believe you actually came here *presses the Dark Mark on her arm*
meanwhile*
Voldemort: *looking at the empty basin as his phone goes off* That had better be fucking important.