Scene 1
(APRIL and IRMA hold each other, terrified as apartment building is on fire.)
APRIL
I gotta contact the turtles! (Still holds IRMA with her left hand while whipping out her turtlecom in her right hand.) April to turtles! April to turtles!
IRMA
Uh, April? (APRIL turns to IRMA) You do know we got smartphones and Facetime now!
APRIL
Of course!
IRMA (on her smartphone, dials)
Irma to turtles! Come in, turtles!
(Cut to turtles at Pride event in Times Square. LEONARDO's phone rings, he picks it up and answers)
LEONARDO
Leonardo here. What's up, Irma?
IRMA
Our apartment building is on fire!!!
LEONARDO
Say no more. We'll be right over!
IRMA
Please hurry.
LEONARDO
We'll get there asap! (hangs up phone, turns to his brother turtles) Guys, change of plans! April and Irma are in trouble! To the turtle van!
(IRMA gets off phone with turtles)
APRIL
C'mon, we gotta get out of here!!
(Takes IRMA's hand, both run and exit building. Just as they approach the front doorway, a burning ember falls in front of them. They stop, shriek, and hold each other. They zip out the door and into the parking lot.)
IRMA
Should we call 911 too?
APRIL (scoffs, not having much faith in 911)
Go for it. You can.
(IRMA dials. Guy answers)
911 GUY
911. What's your emergency?
IRMA (exclaims)
Help! Our apartment building is on fire!
911 GUY
Is it an anti-LGBT hate crime?
IRMA
I don't know. Possibly. (getting leery, furrows brow) Uh, why do you need to know that??
911 GUY
Yeah, we've been getting that a lot lately, and because if it is, I can't help you!
IRMA (shocked)
What?! Why not??
GUY
Because. Religious freedom. And my conscience. I'm a Christian. I don't have to help your kind!
IRMA (angered)
OUR KIND???!!! How DARE you!! I've half a mind to report you! I'll sue!!
GUY
Go ahead. I'm protected by a thing called the 3rd amendment. "Freedom of religion." Sorry!
IRMA (pissed)
You… you…How can you live with people's blood on your hands?!
GUY
Easy. My God tells me not to do anything. So my conscience is clear, lady. It's not blood if it's their own fault.
IRMA
That's MURDER!!
GUY
No. It's not murder if they deserve it. If they're not human, they don't count!
IRMA
Oh, yeah?! Then what about other innocent people in the building who aren't LGBTQIA??
GUY
Hey. You can't clean up an omelette without scooping up some good eggs. That's not our responsibility. As a Christian, our duty is eradicating the LGBT community. Top priority. ASAP! By any means necessary. Who cares who dies?
IRMA
And just what if this is NOT a hate crime?
GUY
Can't be too careful. Eh, go ahead and burn. God will sort you out!
IRMA (turns beet red, ready to snap. Turns phone away from her ear and screams)
GAHHHH!!!!
APRIL
Here, let me talk to him! (Before IRMA could throw her phone down, APRIL takes it. Answers) Hello?
GUY
Are you the other dame reporting a fire?
APRIL (gets annoyed)
Yes, I'm another "dame"!
GUY
Well, I can't do anything. Or should I say, I don't have to do anything. God told me to just let your building burn. Find God, ladies. Turn from your sin! Nobody set your place on fire, God did! He's angry!
APRIL (getting more annoyed)
So… not coming. Got it!
GUY (shrugs)
Hey, God's will, not mine. God set your place on fire for a reason. Who am I to defy him by extinguishing it especially when I don't want to? A bit of advice. Trust God. He started the fire, he can also put it out. Just believe.
APRIL
And if "he" doesn't??
GUY (shrugs, points upward)
Hey. His will. Not yours! If it's your time to go, it's your time to go. You better get used to burning. Oh, and thoughts and prayers. 'Bye! (hangs up)
APRIL (also turns red, groans)
Like you said, Irma! GAHHHH!!!! (clutches IRMA's phone, IRMA takes it back from her hand)
IRMA
You're right to distrust them, April! (turns and waits for turtles) I'm sure glad we called the turtles first! C'mon, turtles! (Exciting music score plays in bg. Turtles pull up in the turtle van, all get out.)
LEONARDO
It's April and Irma! (runs up to them) Are you ladies alright?
APRIL
We're fine. No thanks to the fire department!
IRMA
So glad you're here!
RAPHAEL (points to building still ablaze) Look!
MICHELANGELO
Whoa! So like, what do we do? We didn't bring a hose or fire extinguisher!
DONATELLO
We don't need them! (runs up to a nearby fire hydrant. With his bo, grunts, pries open a hydrant, spraying water at building) Stand back, ladies!
(APRIL and IRMA get out of the way as stream of water starts to douse the fire.)
MICHELANGELO
Whoa, mondo notion, dude!
LEONARDO
Raphael. Michelangelo. You two go rescue the other tenants. Donatello and I will keep dousing the fire! (runs up to another hydrant) This one's on me! (Cuts open hydrant with one of his katanas. More water sprays at building.)
(MICHELANGELO winds up, throws his grappling hook upward. His hook catches a windowsill and he climbs up into the window. He starts to carry out a male and female older couple, one in each arm.)
MALE TENANT (kicks and screams)
Put me down, you big green monster!
MICHELANGELO
Hey, it's called saving your life, pal!
(Cut to RAPHAEL, exiting building on the ground floor, carrying other residents on his shell, saving them.)
RAPHAEL (grunts)
Boy, carrying the weight of the world sure gives one a backache! Or in our case, a shellache!
(Dissolve to minutes later. Fire's out, all tenants safe and sound outside. Building and parking lot all wet. Building saved but charred.)
LEONARDO (sighs relief)
Fire's out! Is everyone safe?
APRIL
We are! (Sirens blare and sound.)
RAPHAEL Oh, no, is that the boys in blue again?!
APRIL (looks ahead)
Actually it's the fire department!
IRMA (annoyed, folds her arms)
I thought they said they weren't coming!
(Fire engines show up, sirens blinking and blaring. They stop.)
RAPHAEL
You're a little late, fellas!
HANDSOME FIREMAN
(comes out with one end of a fire hose in his hand) Is everybody ok? Is everybody out safely?
IRMA (suddenly smitten, starts to flirt)
I am! Cutie! (approaches fireman, then catches herself, shakes her head) What am I saying? I mean, too little too late! Go kiss a warthog! (Pulls his helmet down over his eyes. Storms away from him and goes to DONATELLO, hugs and kisses him. DONATELLO blushes.) My hero! (swoons)
RAPHAEL
Hey, what are we, chopped liver??
IRMA
Oh, very well. (Hugs the other turtles) Thanks, fellas!
LANDLORD (storms toward turtles)
Hey, what's going on here??! What have you done to my building??!!
DONATELLO
Uh,… we just saved it and all the tenants' and your life!
RAPHAEL
Yeah! And by the way. You're welcome! (to himself, under his breath) Ingrates.
DONATELLO
There's no doubt about it. Definitely a hate crime!
LEONARDO
How do you know that?
DONATELLO
Eh, call it a hunch! (Stands in front of wall, where someone had spelled out hate speech in bullets. Message reads: "DIE LESBIANS!")
IRMA
What does it say?
DONATELLO (covers her eyes)
Don't look, Irma! You don't wanna know!
APRIL
It's like someone knew we were here! But… how? (Pause)
RAPHAEL
Let's all say it together.
TURTLES and GIRLS (in unison)
Shredder!!!
(IRMA and APRIL grab hold of each other.)
IRMA
I'm scared, April!!
APRIL Me too, Irma!
FIREMAN
Well, the building's saved but it's gonna need repairs and rebuilding. Do you girls have somewhere else to go?
LEONARDO
You'll have to stay down in our lair until then, girls! Besides, you'll be safe there.
Scene 2
(Wipe to sewer scene. Shadows appear on the wall and keep walking)
IRMA
I love visiting you guys in the sewers, but I wouldn't have wanted to live here.
(The turtles and ladies come into view)
RAPHAEL
Don't worry your pretty little head about the smell. You become immune to it after awhile.
IRMA
You sure Splinter won't mind me and April staying here?
MICHELANGELO
What a question, dudette. Like I said earlier in this episode, you girls are pretty much family.
LEONARDO
And we'll explain what happened.
(They approach the lair.)
IRMA
Y'know, for a place in the sewers, you guys sure keep it really neat and smelling clean!
DONATELLO
Thanks! Master Splinter has potpourri, incense, and air fresheners that help. You'll forget it's a sewer. More like an underground apartment.
Scene 3
(Wipe to SPLINTER's room in the lair. The turtles have just explained the story to their sensei.)
SPLINTER
Of course you ladies may stay!
APRIL
Now, this is only until our apartment building is finished.
SPLINTER
Stay as long as you need. No hurry.
IRMA
And if it isn't, we should find another place pretty soon.
SPLINTER (puts hand on IRMA)
I'm afraid that'll do no good. They could find out where you live and do the same thing. The town is full of crazy violent white supremacist extremists. This could happen again! You'd better stay. I insist.
IRMA
You don't mind?
SPLINTER
Mind? Of course not! You two are family. (Gets between APRIL and IRMA, puts one arm around them both.) In fact I'm glad you're here. It's for a reason. Make yourself at home. As Michelangelo would say, (bows to the girls) mi casa es su casa!
MICHELANGELO
I've never said that! Though I might've. (turns to us the viewers) I just love it when they quote me! (chuckles)
RAPHAEL (angry)
Oh that Shredhead and those maga evilangelicals! (draws one of his sais as if to prepare for a fight) They'll pay for this!!
APRIL
I wanna come too! Wait till I get my hands on those thugs!! (angry, pumps her fists)
LEONARDO
No, April! You ladies better stay here. This is very dangerous, especially for women, especially lesbians.
APRIL
But what about my story? And our revenge?
RAPHAEL (concerned)
Your story could be your own obituary. Do you wanna report the news or do you wanna be news?
IRMA
Yeah. Yeah, he's got a point, April!
LEONARDO
I'm with Raphael on this one. No story is worth this! No job is worth this.
APRIL (hangs head)
Oh, as much as I hate to say it, you're right! (retreats) C'mon, Irma. Let's go see if the boys have a movie we can watch or something.
SPLINTER
Yes, for once I totally agree with Raphael. Shredder is highly skilled in ninjitsu. That's why I want you ladies to promise me you won't further endanger yourselves until you've had some proper training. That's where I come in.
APRIL (holds up her right hand)
Ok Splinter, I promise!
IRMA (raises her right hand)
Promise!
LEONARDO
Turtles, let's haul shell!
TURTLES TOGETHER
Turtle Power!! (charge out the doorway. Turtle power bg cue plays as they exit.)
Scene 4
(Wipe to Pride event during the day. SHREDDER and his goons and evangelicals hatch a destructive plan.)
SHREDDER (chuckles evilly)
That oughta keep those bothersome turtles and annoying ladies distracted! Setting those girls' apartment building on fire!
MAGA PASTOR
Yes... distracted.
DONALD J. LOFTY (enters, greets SHREDDER)
Mr. Shredder!
SHREDDER
Mr. Lofty! (they shake hands.)
LOFTY
I see you've met my best evangelicals!
SHREDDER
Yes nice bunch of people.
LOFTY
Anyone ever tell you your mom dresses you funny? What's with the costume?? Well let's get to work.
SHREDDER (grabs LOFTY by the collar, threatens him)
Let me make one thing clear. I'll work with other villains, but I take orders from nobody! See I'm the boss!
LOFTY (rasps)
Well, I answer to nobody either! NOBODY tells ME what to do!
SHREDDER
Except me! I'M the boss. I answer to nobody either! (KRANG calls SHREDDER, he answers) Yes, Krang?
KRANG
Shredder! How's the plan coming? I haven't heard from you. Have you destroyed Pride yet?
SHREDDER
Not quite, but it's coming along. We torched that nosy Ms. O'Neil and Ms. Langenstein's apartment building and got those revolting reptiles out of our hair!
KRANG (rubs hand-like tentacles together)
Excellent! What about ruining the festivities though?
SHREDDER
We're just about to.
KRANG
Well, what are your waiting for?
PASTOR
We need to have a word of prayer first!
SHREDDER
Yes, what he said.
KRANG
I'll be checking on you, Shredder. Krang out! (screen goes out.)
PASTOR
Ok guys, let's bow our heads. Dear Father God,... (mumbles)
SHREDDER (mumbles to himself)
Wow. Had I known God is so evil, I'd have become a Christian a lot sooner!
PASTOR
...in Jesus's name. Amen!
(LOFTY, PASTOR, evangelicals, SHREDDER and goons all take up arms and go on a shooting spree. Shots fired from AR-15s and laser blasters. People scream, panic and run.)
PASTOR (carrying gun in one hand, megaphone in the other)
That's right! You'd BETTER run! You'd better hide! Back into the closet, folks! Be afraid! Be very afraid! You've attacked our faith, our God, and our country long enough!! And we've had it! Traitors!!
LOFTY (rasps loudly)
Yeah, this insanity has got to stop! Now!! You are poisoning the blood of this country!
PASTOR
And don't anybody try to resist! We're doing the Lord's work!
SHREDDER
Yes, this is a holy war! Spiritual warfare! We got on the armor of God! (They scatter, shooting in all different directions. Pride goers running, scattering, screaming. Flags, posts, trees, booths and things getting hit and destroyed. People evacuate.)
PASTOR (shouts)
And don't come back! You evil godless leftists! (shakes fist in the air)
SHREDDER
This is so perfect! I get to destroy people, rule the world, AND go to heaven when I die! Who'd have thought doing God's will would be so much fun and rewarding?
LEONARDO (off frame)
So downright despicable! (Pan quickly to turtles, ready to battle)
SHREDDER (surprised)
H-huh??? The turtles!! Again?!?
RAPHAEL
Not only that, also blasphemous to boot!
SHREDDER
No matter! We're prepared! (turns to gun-toting evangelicals) Stop them!!
PASTOR (aims AR-15 at RAPHAEL)
Well, well, if it isn't the turtles Shredder told us about!
RAPHAEL (holds up his sais)
Stand back! I have sais and I'm not afraid to use them! (PASTOR shoots. Bullets knock both sais out of RAPHAEL's hands) YAHHHH!!!
MICHELANGELO (spins his nunchucks, lunges into the air)
COWABU-U-U-U-UNNNNNGAAAAAAAA!!! (Evangelical shoots. Bullets knock both ends of MICHELANGELO's out of his hands) WHOAA-AAAHHHHHOO!!! (sails in mid-air)
(Cut to DONATELLO holding his bo facing another gun-wielding evangelical.)
DONATELLO
Go ahead, make my day! (turns to us) Ok, so I stole that line! They can't all be original. (Just then, a screaming MICHELANGELO falls, lands on DONATELLO, pinning him to the ground.) OOOF!!! Of all the times for you to drop in unannounced, Michelangelo! (Evangelical aims gun at them.)
EVANGELICAL
Hands up, turtles!
(DONATELLO and MICHELANGELO throw their hands up.)
DONATELLO
I hope Leonardo's doing better than we are!
(Cut to LEONARDO, deflecting AR-15 bullets with his katanas.)
LEONARDO (grunts)
I don't know how long I can hold 'em off!
LOFTY (off frame)
Hey, turtle!! (LEONARDO looks, bullets still bouncing off his blades. Cut to LOFTY and evangelicals zip-tying the other three turtles together, holding them at gunpoint.) Look who we got! Surrender or else! Drop your weapons!
SHREDDER (interrupts)
I give the orders! Surrender, or else! Drop your weapons!
LEONARDO (horrified, sighs)
I got no choice! (Drops his katanas on the ground.)
Scene 5
(Wipe to seconds later. LOFTY and SHREDDER zip-tie all four turtles together while PASTOR, evangelicals, and BEBOP and ROCKSTEADY all surround them, holding them at gunpoint.)
SHREDDER (pumps his left fist in the air)
You loathesome turtles!! Any last words?? Now to figure out what to do with you thorns in my side!
PASTOR (jeers)
Yeah, where's your savior NOW?? (laughs)
RAPHAEL (calls out to us)
Little help!
LEONARDO
This is a pickle! Who's gonna rescue the rescuers?
MICHELANGELO
We need major backup!
WHITE EVANGELICAL PASTOR
See, I told you! Read this book! (Holds up Bible) I'm telling you. The ending's already been written and WE win! (laughs)
APRIL (heard off frame)
Then it's time to write a new chapter!!
(Cut to APRIL and IRMA in bandanas and masked like the turtles, assuming fighting positions)
LEONARDO
April!
DONATELLO
Irma!
IRMA (to villains)
Yeah! Let… our… turtles go!!
APRIL (aside)
Good one!
IRMA (aside to APRIL)
Right back at'cha! (They high-five)
GIRLS TOGETHER (run toward villains)
TUR-TLE POWER!!!!
IRMA (stops)
…or is it "girl power"?
APRIL
Never mind! Let's just get 'em!
RAPHAEL
Now this is a switch! Wow, you girls are getting just as witty as we are! And for once you two are the heroes,… er, heroines, and we're the dams… das… say, what's the male equivalent of damsels in distress?
LEONARDO
Search me!
RAPHAEL
I just hope this doesn't turn into "The April and Irma Show"!
LEONARDO
Nah! Although maybe a spinoff would be cool.
MICHELANGELO (points to bad guys)
Uh, dudes?
LEONARDO
Oh, right!
SHREDDER
Bebop! Rocksteady! Get 'em!!
BEBOP (snorts)
On it, Boss!
ROCKSTEADY
Happy to!
(BEBOP and ROCKSTEADY approach APRIL and IRMA respectively with their guns. Girls spin and kick them in their respective groins.)
BEBOP/ROCKSTEADY (both fall with a thud to the ground, moaning, dropping their guns)
OWWWW!!!
ROCKSTEADY
Oh, this is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life!!
SHREDDER (throws his fists in the air)
Get up, you guys! Get up!
BEBOP (snorts)
Are you kidding, bwoss?? It hoits to even move!
SHREDDER
Never mind! I'll get 'em myself! You girls are so gonna be sorry! (Approaches girls. APRIL and IRMA both kick SHREDDER in the groin. He howls in pain) OWWW!!! (Falls with a thud to the ground, holding his genitals. Turtles look on in awe.)
LEONARDO
Wow! Now how come we never thought of that?
RAPHAEL
Yeah, that's gonna ruin their weekend. With any luck that oughta ruin their chances to reproduce!
SHREDDER (still on ground, moaning)
Lofty!! Evangelicals!! Get 'em!!
LOFTY/MAGA EVANGELICAL PASTOR (scared, backing away)
Oh, not us! We're too scared!! Retreat! (They all run away, guns in tow)
IRMA
Typical men. Such cowards!
SHREDDER (contacts KRANG)
Krang!! Send us some foot soldiers!
(Dimensional portal opens. Some foot soldiers pass through, armed. Portal goes away)
APRIL (suddenly worried)
Uh-oh! Foot soldiers!
IRMA (also concerned)
And something tells me kicking them won't work!
RAPHAEL
You know, you ladies could untie us! Please?
IRMA
Oh of course! Right, sorry! (IRMA and APRIL both pick up one of LEONARDO's katana blades laying on the ground and cut turtles loose. Turtles get up and prepare to fight) Are you boys ok?
RAPHAEL
Yeah, all except our egos. You trying to make us look bad?
LEONARDO
We'll take it from here, girls! [Battle ensues. RAPHAEL takes down a couple with his sais. LEONARDO beheads and impales some with his katana blades, etc.]
SHREDDER (still in pain, groaning, voice cracking from pain)
Time to retreat! Krang, the portal!
APRIL
What's the matter, Shredhead? Scared?
SHREDDER
The Shredder don't get scared! We're not running! We're… just retreating to regroup. (Portal opens. SHREDDER and his goons crawl through and disappear into Dimension X. Portal closes.)
IRMA
Yeah, you're not running. You're crawling!
LEONARDO
We thought you two were hiding out in the lair!
APRIL
We were! Then Splinter started sharing with us some of his moves.
IRMA
Yes, that and we rewatched some old tapes of the show!
APRIL
He taught us self-defense. To fight for ourselves.
IRMA
…and the best place to kick 'em, too! And hey, not the first guys I've kicked… there!
(Police sirens heard. Police cars in the distance get closer)
MICHELANGELO
Uh-oh! Here come the boys in blue!
DONATELLO
That's our cue to split!
IRMA
What's the hurry? I thought they were on our side. We're the good guys! Er… people!
RAPHAEL
Do you wanna stay and explain to them what happened??
IRMA
Point taken! OK!
(Turtles throw their grappling hooks, hook a ledge of a nearby building and prepare to swing away)
RAPHAEL
April! Grab onto my shell!
DONATELLO
Irma. Hang on to my shell!
IRMA (blushes, swoons)
With pleasure! (Grabs DONATELLO's shell and the turtles swing away. IRMA hangs on tightly even reaching for his chest)
DONATELLO
Hey Irma. Not so tight!
IRMA
Oh. I just wanted to make sure I don't lose my grip!
Scene 6
(Dissolve to back in the lair. Turtles tell SPLINTER what happened. SPLINTER commends the girls.)
MICHELANGELO
And you should've seen them, Master Splinter! They really kicked some shell! Or… butt… or in this case in their privates! Literally, ha!
SPLINTER
You've done so well, girls, both of you. I'm prouder of you than I've ever been!
APRIL
Yeah except I didn't get any footage!
RAPHAEL
You didn't??
APRIL
Well, you ever try to shoot footage and fight at the same time? Though I did get some of you fighting.
RAPHAEL
Well, you could always show viewers a rerun of this episode.
SPLINTER
It doesn't matter. The main thing is, you girls know you did it. Being a hero, or, heroine, is a thankless job. The reason why heroes/heroines are hardly remembered is not because they're very few. It's because sadly history has ways of glorifying evil people and demonizing actual heroes. People judge. People spin narratives. No matter what anybody says. The question is, what do you think?
IRMA
Thanks, Splinter! Wow, you're wise beyond your years! Eh… how old are you again?
SPLINTER
In rat years or human years? (snickers) Let's just say, I'm an old soul.
MICHELANGELO
Say, how about we all celebrate with some movies and pizza?
APRIL
Actually Irma and I are going topside to take part in the Pride festivities. You guys wanna come?
MICHELANGELO
Oh I don't know. I'd rather stay and chillax and I'm going through pizza withdrawal.
LEONARDO
Oh c'mon, Michelangelo. We can chill and watch movies and eat pizza anytime. This is a special occasion!
RAPHAEL
Yeah. You are, after all, the party dude!
SPLINTER
Just be really careful out there, my sons. And girls. Remember, yes you've won again. But evil never dies. It just recharges and regroups. There are a lot of crazy folks out there. Why do you think I stay down here all the time? I don't like people. (Looks at APRIL and IRMA, chuckles) Present company excepted of course.
APRIL
We understand.
SPLINTER
Why I don't trust too many people.
IRMA
Yeah I don't get it! For awhile there we were progressing so well! What happened?
SPLINTER
Not everybody likes change. Not everybody likes acceptance. Some will even actively fight to set us back. There is no pleasing these people so we must never cave to them. Some people choose to be haters. Some people just like having grievances. Always gotta find something to complain about. Hate is a choice. Sadly, many do.
APRIL (confidently)
Well, if any thug tries to mess with us, we'll be ready!
SPLINTER
Just remember. Safety first! Don't try to play the hero or heroine. It's very risky and like I've said before, thankless. Anybody can spin heroes to look like bad guys, and people often spin evil people and deeds into heroes and heroic deeds. How do you think the likes of Lofty get to be so popular? Be safe out there!
(The rest of them start to leave)
MICHELANGELO
Like, are you sure you don't wanna come, sensei? It's a lot of fun and the turtle van is leaving.
SPLINTER
I'll be there in spirit. Have a good time. (waves to them as they exit frame. SPLINTER takes a nearby progress Pride flag he has and hangs it up on a wall. Turns to face us, the viewers) Happy Pride, folks! (winks, waves at us)
(Fade out.)
THE END