Like Shinji had predicted, he didn't get all that much sleep. Misato roused him awake with an uncharacteristically good breakfast, setting aside a portion for Asuka to have later. She even pressed a coffee drink into his hands as they went out the door, as if she already knew how little sleep he had gotten.
They had been on the road for nearly an hour and Shinji was idly watching the world go by out Misato's car window. She was taking it slow and not driving in her usual recklessness. He appreciated it for his anxiety. And if she ended up taking her time, giving him a few precious minutes before he'd see his father...he couldn't complain. He said, "Thank you Misato...for driving me out here. You didn't have to, I could have taken the train."
"Why wouldn't I drive you?" she asked.
Shinji was at a loss for words before admitting, "I don't know. You did say you had somewhere to be later."
She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. His face was downcast. "It's no problem, Shinji. I'm glad to drive you. If I end up being late to that wedding, so be it."
Some days, when he was truly low, he struggled to understand her open kindness towards him. Today was one such day.
Ten minutes later, they drove through the black iron gates of the cementary. Here, all that stretched before them was barren plains, dotted with black obelisks. A graveyard for all those who perished in Second Impact and in all the disasters after.
It almost felt wrong that Yui Ikari to be remembered here, made one of many. It felt like she should be given some grand mausoleum, wonderfully carved and full of flowers...not a non-descript headstone.
All Misato had heard of her was that she was brilliant, remembered for many scientific papers and of course, her involvement in the creation of the Evangelions. Including Unit 01's Contact Experiment, which around the base was somewhat of a touchy subject.
No one spoke of her nowadays but her memory hung over all of NERV like a specter.
Shinji gathered up the bouquet of lilies he had brought nd climbed out of the car. "Do you want me to come with you?" Misato asked.
"No...just stay here and wait for me," he didn't meet her eyes.
Misato smiled at him, "I get it, you have to do this on your own. I'll be here."
He walked through the cementary like he was walking to his own grave. There was someone already at his mother's grave. Even with his back to him—maybe especially because his back was to him, Shinji could recognize his father. He took a deep inhale, straightened his back and joined him beside the grave. He crouched to his knees and laid the lilies below the marker.
His father spoke, "It's been three years since the last time we've been here together."
Shinji swallowed thickly but nodded, "I ran away then, and haven't been back since. But I came now."
"...so you did. I'm sure your mother would appreciate that."
Shinji paused, blinking away tears, "You know, I can hardly remember her face…"
"Man survives by forgetting his memories but there are some things a man should never forget. Yui taught me about those unforgettable things. I come here to confirm that."
"Every year..." Shinji trailed off.
"Every year," his father confirmed.
Shinji imagined his father here, alone. Something about the image deepened his sadness. Did his father appreciate him being here or was he merely a hindrance to what should be a private moment? After all, he hadn't exactly invited Shinji here. Had he even hoped he'd show up?
A long silence stretched between them until Shinji gathered his courage and spoke, "I miss her too."
Another long silence—he wondered if his father would even dignify him with a response. Then he murmured, "You were just a boy when she left us."
"I know. But I still remember what having a mother felt like."
"...I see. We keep everything in our hearts. It must do, for now."
"Aunt and Uncle said you got rid of all the photos."
"That would be correct."
"I still would have liked to have a picture of her," Shinji couldn't keep the note of bitterness from his voice.
His father didn't respond to that one. Instead, he turned away and announced, "I'm leaving now."
He began to walk away, off towards the jet that carried him there. Shinji watched for a few moments then called, "Father!"
His father paused...he didn't expect that. He swallowed his anxiety and called, "I'm glad I got to talk to you today. I wouldn't mind talking again sometime. If you wanted."
He half-turned to regard him and, if Shinji didn't know better, he might have thought he caught him off guard. Almost too subtly to notice, his father tilted his head at him. After a moment he spoke again, "Shinji. You must move on, on your own."
A stab of surprise and betrayal went through his heart, "What?" he murmured.
"You must learn to stand on your own two feet. I learned to do the same. It would...do you well to remember this in your life."
He lingered for only a moment longer, then walked away to his jet, leaving Shinji behind. He frowned but couldn't make himself look away as he boarded the jet, seemingly alone apart from the pilot. How was he supposed to take any of that? He waited for it to take off and leave before, with a sigh, he walked back to Misato.
When he arrived, Misato frowned but waited until he sat back in the passenger seat. She asked softly, "Shinji...did it go well?"
"I don't really know. We talked but...I don't really know. I just want to leave here," he stared at the floorboard as he mumbled.
Misato frowned, "Alright," and started the car.
They were silent as they drove back into Tokyo-3. That is, until Misato stopped outside a convenience store. "We're not going home right away?" Shinji asked.
"Not yet. I thought you'd appreciate something to eat...," she paused then smiled at him, "I also thought maybe it would be good for you to decompress before we go home."
"Don't you have somewhere to go later? What if I make you late?"
"It's okay Shinji. I've got time."
She left him alone for only a few minutes before she returned with a variety of snacks and drinks. Then they were off again, up through the mountain woods and to Misato's favorite place, the lookout over Tokyo-3. Shinji remembered this place from after his very first battle.
"This is the city you protected."
She parked the car and waved him out. She climbed onto the hood of the car, setting the bag beside her. Once he had settled, she retrieved a can of soda, cracked it open and took a long swallow. This seemed to be the permission Shinji needed to follow suit. She asked, "How are you doing?"
"Not great, I think."
"I can't say I imagine this day is ever easy."
He shook his head, looking away to wipe away his tears. Misato cringed. Had she been too straightforward? She offered part of herself, "My mother passed away some time after Second Impact. I don't know if that's comparable but...it hurts, I understand. And it's okay that it hurts."
"What was your mother like?" he asked.
Misato frowned, "Sad. But she loved me and tried her best. I don't resent her. Just...my father wasn't the person for her. He worked so much and never had time for us. They were going to divorce but they agreed to do so after the expedition in Antarctica."
"...oh. What happened...after that?" he glanced away, "If I may ask."
"I was traumatized by what happened in Antarctica. After that though, they put me in a facility to monitor me. I went mute, can you believe it? You wouldn't know now, would you?" she gave him a crooked, playful grin.
Shinji laughed softly, "I guess not. You're always talking."
Misato's grin softened into a smile, "She visited me as much as she could. But between all what was happening..." she shook her head, "She passed away shortly after. I was put into foster care and from there, I was on my own."
"I don't want to be on my own," Shinji immediately replied.
"Is that's what's bothering you?"
He shifted anxiously and went quiet. Misato was patient and let him formulate his words. He murmured, "Something my father said."
"Your father said that?" she could hardly fathom the Commander saying anything to Shinji, much less something so openly antagonistic.
As if reading her mind, he clarified, "I don't think he meant it like that."
"I think what he meant hardly matters if that's how you took it!"
Shinji didn't have a response to that. Misato lightly touched his shoulder. When he did not flinch, she started to rub his back in circles, "Listen. No matter what your father said or meant, you don't have to be alone. You have me and your friends."
"...I'm so terribly scared of losing you all."
Something clicked in Misato's brain, a remembered phrase coming back to mind. "That's the other reason you pilot, isn't it?"
He nodded, his eyes brimming with tears again, "I want to connect with my father and make sure no one is hurt. Piloting Eva, making sure it all works out, that's my responsibility."
She couldn't help herself, she threw her arms around him and squeezed him tightly in a hug. Slowly, warily, he wrapped his arms around her too. "Oh, Shinji...if I could, I'd never send you into battle. Do you understand?" she told him.
"I-I think. It just hurts."
"I know. One day, it will be over. Then you won't ever have to pilot again."
"...that day feels so far away," he admitted.
"And we'll get there together."
He squeezed her tighter, "...whatever it takes."
When Asuka awoke, Shinji and Misato had already left for the graveyard. The apartment was quiet, something that was almost a little unsettling. Especially considering how she had gotten used to Shinji and Misato making conversation in the morning.
She walked into the kitchen, yawning. After some investigating, she found a tupperware container with tape on it in the fridge. In Misato's handwriting, there was a message scrawled on the tape, 'Good morning, Asuka. See you later!' A smiley face was scribbled by it.
She smiled at the small gesture and took it to the table. As she ate, she turned on her phone and immediately went to her contacts. After a few rings, Rei picked up, sounding still a little groggy, "Hello."
"Hey, Rei! Wanted to ask you something. I might have told Hikari I wanted to visit you today to get out of a date. I don't want to lie to her and well, there's no one here today anyway..."
"You're saying you'd like to visit me?"
"Yes! Could I? I'll bring over my game console and some games. Y'know, make a day of it?"
A soft hum of thought then, "Yes, I think I'd like that."
"Alright, see you in about ten!"
"Yes. See you soon," then a soft click.
Asuka set her phone down. Weird...she felt weirdly giddy at the prospect. It felt like being drunk—that was the closest comparison she could think of. The one time she had gotten drunk back in Germany, it felt like this; like she was warm and fuzzy. She had felt this way about Shinji long ago.
Her good mood soured and she frowned. She was not going to think of the implications of that.
Asuka, as she promised, was over at Rei's apartment within ten minutes. When she was ushered in, she found herself smiling. It didn't look as barren as it had when she first moved in. Rei kept meticulous care of the place. In the entryway was a new plant; a lily it looked like. In the kitchen, she had added a stereo.
Asuka pointed it out, "That's new."
Rei nodded, "Yes. I visited Kaworu some time ago and he had a similar device. I find I enjoy listening to music."
"I should show you some of my favorites," she paused then added, "Though, I don't know how into German heavy metal you'd be."
"I like trying new things," Rei said.
Asuka set down her game console and got to setting it up. Rei sat beside her, watching with genuine interest. Something in the air went tense...or maybe it was just Asuka feeling awkward in the silence. She broke it, "How are you doing?"
"I'm well. The Commander actually invited me to go with him somewhere this morning but…," she leaned in, as if to share a secret, "I told him I couldn't."
"He let you say no?!"
"He didn't seem upset."
"That's probably for the best," Asuka said, "Shinji might have gotten upset if he saw you."
Rei tilted her head, "Commander Ikari was seeing Shinji?"
"Yeah, they're visiting Shinji's mom's grave," she hummed in thought, "I bet that's why Shinji said you reminded him of his mother yesterday. She's on his mind."
"He didn't say his mother...just a mother," Rei corrected.
That's why what Shinji had said made her uncomfortable, Rei decided. It had never been made a secret to her where she came from. The Commander had even slipped up before, calling her by her donor's name. Each time he had recoiled, disturbed by his mistake. He'd always send her away after, as if he couldn't bear to look at her and see someone else's face.
She didn't want to be Shinji's mother...she wanted to be his friend.
Eager to ponder that line of thought no longer, she said, "It feels odd to have such a break in duties though."
"Everyone needs a break, Rei. Else you'd burn yourself out."
Rei seemed to mull this over then nodded, "That is understandable. So breaks are good?"
"Of course," Asuka nodded, "It keeps us in peak condition!" she tapped her chest twice for emphasis.
She had gotten a very different outlook on the idea from the Commander. Breaks were wasted time when important things could be done. Downtime was just that; downtime before the action happened. So she liked Asuka's take on it a lot more.
An earlier conversation with Kaji stirred in Asuka's mind. "Kaji also told me once it's good to be a kid while we can," she added.
"Mr. Kaji seems to be a very wise man," Rei observed, "I talked to him once."
Asuka plugged in the last plug for her console and threw herself back into a sitting position, "You talked to him?"
Oh, maybe she shouldn't recount that, Rei thought. Something was telling her she shouldn't. But she forged forward, "It was about you."
That left Asuka breathless. Rei had gone to Kaji to ask about her? She supposed he would be the person who knew the most about her but why would she do something like that? She struggled to gain her composure, "M-me?"
Rei scooted in beside her as she replied, "Yes. It was before I moved. You...confused me. You told me I wasn't replaceable. I had...never had it told to me so aggressively."
"I hated to hear you say that. I still do."
"I like the idea of being unique," Rei mused.
"Well, you are unique," Asuka insisted.
Rei bowed her head and closed her eyes. If only. But she couldn't deny that Asuka saying that made her heart flutter. She murmured, "Mr. Kaji told me that there was things he could not tell me. That I had to ask you myself."
"What...kind of things?" anxiety burrowed into Asuka's chest.
"I told him I didn't have an opinion on myself. He said that was alright and some people liked themselves a lot, some not at all and some in between. I asked...if you or Shinji liked yourselves."
"Do I like myself?" Asuka raised an eyebrow.
Rei nodded silently, paying special attention to her.
That was a loaded question if she ever heard one. She could lie but the idea of lying to Rei, for some reason, was disgusting to her. She probably had many people lie to her which would lump Asuka in with the likes of them if she did.
So how did she feel about herself? Feelings from two separate timelines overlapped and muddled her self-image. Before, all she had was a constructed facade hiding a small, scared little girl. Now, sure she was proud of herself with how open she had become and how she had learned to dam her all-consuming fury. But sometimes she worried she had lost something of herself in the transition. And there was always the future where anything could happen, toppling the whole house of cards over.
"I don't know," she admitted.
Rei tilted her head slightly, "I don't understand."
"It's kinda like how Kaji said: I do all three. It's complicated. But...I was worse some time ago so I can at least be proud of my progress."
Something in this resonated with Rei, who perked up. She nodded, "I'm...pleased with my own progress too. I believe I can say that much."
"That's great!" Asuka cheered, "Now, do you wanna choose what we end up playing?"
Unfortunately, Misato had to leave Shinji alone when she returned him home. She had gotten work off but that still meant that, after changing into her dress, she had to leave right away. Her day was more than booked. Asuka was gone over to Rei's and something told him he should leave them to their own devices. He could go visit Kaworu...but his foul mood had settled back in. He turned onto his side on his futon.
His eyes caught his worn cello case in the corner. He hadn't pulled that out in a while. Perhaps it would ease his aching heart.
Afternoon hadn't quite turned to evening yet but outside, the sun was trekking towards the western horizon. Shinji opened the balcony doors, taking a moment to appreciate the slight breeze that ruffled his hair. He settled into one of the outside chairs, setting his cello between his legs to tune it. Even though he hadn't played it since before he moved to Tokyo-3, the routine settled into his bones. Take the rosin from the case and rosin the bow. Draw the bow across the string. As expected, it was out of tune. He twisted the knob just a tiny bit and tried again. There, perfect.
He repeated the process of tuning with each string, finding the repetitiveness soothing.
A knock on the door startled him out of his work. Had Asuka returned? He set his cello down gently and went to answer it.
A smiling Kaworu greeted him, "Hello, Shinji. Are you the only one home?"
Shinji couldn't help but smile dumbly, "Y-yeah. No one but me."
"Could I come in?"
"Of course!"
Kaworu followed him in. Shinji glanced across the living room, his breath caught in his throat. He supposed he couldn't play now.
"You have your cello out?" Kaworu asked.
He had left the balcony open so his cello was in full view. Unable to lie or deflect, he nodded, "I actually just took it out to play."
Kaworu went out to inspect it and nodded, "It's in great condition. Where'd you get it from?"
"Oh. It was apparently my mother's. But according to my aunt and uncle, she didn't play it all that much."
"You should play something for me," Kaworu encouraged, pulling up a chair and giving the impression he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"I guess I could," Shinji walked back to his cello. His legs felt wobbly, like he was going to fall over. He sat down, settling the cello on his shoulder. He took a deep sigh and drew his bow across the strings. Still in tune.
From his side, he heard Kaworu murmur, "Pretend I'm not here."
He stared at his cello hard. He really wanted Kaworu to hear, to be impressed by him. He wasn't going to run away. So he laid his bow on the strings and began to play the opening of Beethoven's Ninth.
Kaworu couldn't hide the smile on his face at hearing it. It sung to a part of his heart that ached ever since he had met Shinji so so long ago. Oh, why couldn't he just tell him his true feelings?
He closed his eyes and let the music flood his soul. For now, he decided, this was enough.
He played for a good few minutes and when he was done, the last note hung in the air. Shinji set his bow aside and asked, "That one...that one's your favorite, right?"
Kaworu nodded eagerly. Shinji smiled, "It's what I can play the best. What a coincidence, huh?"
"Perhaps its fate," he teased.
"I don't know if I believe in something like that."
"Really? Because you know...I feel I was fated to meet you,"
Shinji stared at him when he said that then slowly, softly, he smiled, "Maybe...I can believe in that."
Misato had nearly cut it short but was able to screech into the venue with her car with only minutes to spare until the event. Ritsuko and Maya had been perfectly on time but, considering the circumstances, declined to tease her. Yet someone was missing. The bride had looked at the namecard beside Misato before moving on to the next table. Misato followed her eye to the place card reading "Ryoji Kaji". With a grumble, she blew it over. Maya observed, "Mr. Kaji's late, huh?"
"That idiot's never been on time in his entire life!" Misato snapped.
Maya frowned but Ritsuko teased back, with the softest sly smile, "Maybe to your dates. He's always on time to work."
She paused and murmured, "Speak of the devil…"
In came Kaji, looking disheveled and only a tiny bit sheepish. He chuckled as he stopped at his chair, "Hello you two—oh! Three lovely ladies!" he smiled at Maya who looked away, flustered and put on the spot.
He grinned at Misato, "You're looking especially beautiful today. I couldn't quite get out of work on time."
Misato shot up to stand beside him. She grabbed him by the chin and scowled, "No wonder you look like a bum. Couldn't you do something about this stubble?"
Kaji distinctly remembered Misato liked his stubble back in college. "And your necktie is crooked!" she next moved her hands to his necktie which she deftly tied tighter.
And just like that, her hands flew back to the her sides, leaving Kaji vaguely surprised...and nostalgic. He fidgeted with his newly tightened tie, loosening it by just a hair, "Well, thank you. I do appreciate it."
Ritsuko finally chuckled, "You two act like a married couple."
Misato groaned as she sat back down. Kaji sat down too and grinned easily, "Sounds like a good arrangement to me."
Misato huffed, "Like hell, I'd take him."
Kaji turned his head away and picked up his glass of champagne, if only to hide how his smile had fallen away, "Oh, well. You do always say that."
After playing Beethoven, Shinji ran through everything he knew, even though it wasn't a lot. It seemed whatever he played or regardless of the quality, Kaworu was happy to hear it. He had finished playing a jaunty little nameless tune when Kaworu suggested, "We should print you out some sheet music to try."
"I'd like that!" Shinji smiled.
Kaworu paused and asked, perhaps against his better judgment, "So how was the visit today?"
He instantly regretted asking that when Shinji's face fell. He looked away, his fingers idly plucking at one of his cello's strings. "I don't know really. I sort of talked to my father but...I think he brushed me off."
"Oh. I'm terribly sorry to hear."
He looked up, his expression loosening, "But y'know, Misato took me out after. We talked and it made me feel better."
"Misato's a good woman," Kaworu nodded sagely.
Through all of Kaworu's experiences, he had known this of her. Sure, she had a few missteps here and there but it always seemed like at the end, she stood her ground and did right by Shinji. He truly respected her and regretted that she would despise him, if she knew his true nature.
A thought wormed into his head, a memory of Toji's reading of the letter. Kaworu asked, "Does playing music make you feel less stressed?"
"Oh! Yes, actually...I started to feel better again when I was playing."
"It helps me too, helps ground me. There's a piano in the NERV rec room though she hasn't been kept in the best condition. One day, I'll play piano for you...or a duet?" he could help suggesting it.
Shinji gave him that long stare again, as if he was considering the possibility. "We should," he agreed, "But you might have to teach me. I've only really touched a piano a few times in my life."
"You have?"
"My uncle...he, um...he had one in his home. But he didn't like me touching it so that's why it's only been a few times."
"That makes sense."
Unbeknownst to the pair, Asuka had returned intent on getting her music to show Rei. But as she stepped quietly over the threshold, she paused upon hearing them talk. She turned around and closed the door without a sound then padded back down the hall, a smug smile on her face.
"And they were sitting there, together! If one of them doesn't crack and tell the other, well..." Asuka paused, thoughtfully, "I'd eat my hat!"
"You're not wearing a hat," Rei observed.
"It's a figure of speech," she said.
Asuka had returned to the apartment, no music but instead to tell her what she had heard of the boys. Outside, the sun was setting, dying the living room a fiery orange. Asuka's hair blazed in the dying light, Rei observed. She kept it to herself, however, as she was unsure if the other girl would appreciate the compliment.
Rei pointed out, "Some time ago, you said you hoped Kaworu and Shinji would date, so Shinji would leave you alone."
Asuka's stomach twisted at the memory, a secondhand embarrassment coming over her from it. "I did say that, didn't I?"
Rei nodded slightly, her eyes bright yet questioning, "Is that still the case?"
Asuka frowned, looking away from her, as to not meet her eyes, "Not really, I was in a foul mood that day. They should be together because they'd be good for the other."
Rei nodded in agreement, "I believe so. So what does one do when they 'date'? How is different from having a friend?"
Oh right, she might have only heard it in passing or just by theory. Asuka answered, "Well, for one, there's loads you might want to do with a romantic partner you don't wanna do with a friend. Like, y'know kiss...or...other things. But you still want to at least be friends with the person you're dating."
Rei nodded, absorbing all this information, "It's better that way?"
"I've heard it makes for a better relationship."
Asuka frowned slightly. If she had tried to be Shinji's friend first all that time ago, maybe he would have picked up on the hints better.
Rei didn't immediately respond so, assuming that was where the conversation would end, she turned to retrieve her controller and start playing again. Getting back into her game would help keep her mind off things that really didn't matter anymore.
"What is...kissing like?"
Asuka nearly jumped out of her skin. Her head shot towards Rei, "Eh...eh?"
Rei tilted her head, "You dated so I'd assume you'd know."
Asuka went over every kiss she had ever had. There was a handful from boys in Germany whose names she never attempted to remember. Then there was...Shinji. If one could even call what she forced on him a "kiss".
Asuka ventured, "Why do you ask? Are you curious about it?"
"I must admit I am."
This was a bad idea, especially with that feeling she didn't dare name. But yet. "We could, um..." she chewed her lip anxiously, "...try...if you want. I am bored anyway."
"We could."
She met her gaze, "Do you wanna kiss then?"
Rei tilted her head in thought and then, to her great surprise, nodded, "I want to try it."
Asuka nodded, "Alright. Then here I come."
She sat up, moved closer and leaned in. Rei didn't move. She paused for a second, wondering if she needed to tell Rei to kiss back or close her eyes or give any guidance at all. She decided to just go for it and pressed her lips against Rei's.
Rei's lips were slightly warm but she was unsettlingly still. A rush of frustration went through Asuka so she leaned in closer, pressing her lips deeper into Rei's. She got a soft sigh out of Rei who fumbled, grasping her shoulder for purchase. Satisfied, she pulled back. Rei looked stunned, her face with more color than Asuka had ever seen it. Asuka murmured, "That was nice...wasn't it?"
"I...I think so."
"You think so?" Asuka frowned.
Rei looked away, cupping her hands to her face, "I don't...I don't know how to deal with this. I've never done anything like this."
"It's not bad…"
"I know. But...it's a lot. I need..." Rei frowned, looking away and anywhere that wasn't Asuka's face, "I need some time alone. Please."
Asuka wanted to reach out, put her arms around her, tell her it was alright. But she didn't. "I understand," she murmured, standing and beginning to gather her things.
Just before she left, she heard Rei murmur, "I'm sorry."
She paused at the door and said back, "It's alright, Rei. Just...tell me when you want to talk again."
Rei did not answer so Asuka left, closing the door quietly behind her.
The familiar anxiety of rejection roiled in her gut. For one horrible moment, she wanted to act like a child: throw her things to the ground and scream and scream and scream. She didn't; she just stood outside Rei's apartment, eyes fixed at the darkening sky until she could disconnect from those ugly emotions.
This wasn't a rejection, she told herself. Normal people needed time to process their emotions from time to time. Rei, nowhere near normal, would of course need to be alone. She wasn't rejecting her. She didn't hate her.
Asuka really hoped she hadn't made Rei hate her.
She walked back to the apartment as if in a dream. She hoped Kaworu had gone home. She didn't want him to see her like this.
When she walked in, she found no such luck. The pair were still sitting out on the balcony, even as the world turned dark around them. Part of her wondered if she had the chance still to turn around and leave but they must have already heard her come in. So in the name of her pride, she put on a neutral expression as she trudged past them to her room. "Hey Asuka," Shinji asked, "How was—"Asuka slammed her door shut, cutting him off.
Shinji blinked in confusion and Kaworu commented, "That can't be good."
"Do you think they had a fight? I can't see Rei doing something like that…," Shinji trailed off.
Kaworu stood, "How about we go ask her?"
"What if she gets mad?"
"Then she gets mad," he casually shrugged, "But its good to at least offer a hand, even if it may be swatted away."
Shinji thought about this for a second then nodded. Together, the pair went to her room. Kaworu called, "Asuka, is something wrong?"
No response. The pair shared a glance. This time, Shinji tried, "We, um, we were worried. If something was wrong."
She snapped back, "What makes you think something is wrong?! Could you two leave me alone for once?"
Shinji cringed but his companion was undeterred. He spoke gently, "You didn't say anything when you came in."
Once more, she didn't respond, stewing in all her ugly feelings. He continued, "It's fine if you don't want to talk. We just thought we would ask."
After one more minute of silence, he slumped, defeated. He murmured, "Doesn't always work."
Then, to his surprise, Asuka spoke up, "You can come in. If you want."
He opened the door slowly and once inside, Shinji closed it quietly behind them. Inside it was dim, as Asuka hadn't bothered turning on the light. She laid on her bed, facing the wall. She wasn't crying at least.
Or perhaps it would have been better if she did. Her chest felt horribly tight with the effort it took to keep all these ugly feelings inside.
Kaworu sat down on the floor beside the bed, gesturing for Shinji to join him. He said quietly, "What happened with Rei?"
Asuka didn't answer right away at first.
Kaworu murmured, "I suppose if you don't want to say, it's fine. We can all just sit here. For moral support."
Asuka stayed silent. Then she said quietly, "We got to talking about dating...and stuff. She wanted to know about it and since I dated...a little...kinda...in Germany, I told her. She was wondering about kissing so well, we kissed. Because she hadn't ever done it."
"You kissed?" Shinji asked, "Was it bad?"
Once again, that not-really-a-proper-kiss came to Asuka's mind. "It wasn't bad," she said, "But I guess it was a lot for Rei. She wanted time alone."
"Oh. So she's not mad?"
"I don't...think so," she squeezed her eyes shut, "But hell, it still feels bad," her voice choked as she struggled to not let the dam of her sadness burst.
"You can't help that," Kaworu soothed, "She'll come around in time."
She shifted around and, even in the dark, when she turned to look at him, he could see her blue eyes piercing in the low light. She asked, sounding suddenly very child-like, "You think so?"
"I think so," he nodded, "You know Rei. And you two are good together."
She stared for a long moment then murmured, "Thank you Kaworu. You too, Shinji."
"Really?" he was surprised.
"Yes, really."
He couldn't help but smile and one more time, the last timeline's botched kiss came to mind. Yeah, that one was mostly her fault. Stumbling into his space, making him do something neither really understood. And on the anniversary of his mother's death, of all days. She had been so desperate to feel close to someone, she hadn't flattened her quills.
She liked to think she had done better this time. She didn't make Rei do anything. She hadn't even expected Rei to agree. Surely, asking at all wasn't selfish.
She shook her head to clear it, if only to stop an impending spiral, "Hey, you think we'll see Misato any time tonight?"
Shinji shook his head, "Probably late. Y'know how she is. I'm sure she'll be here sometime before morning."
"You never know," Asuka pointed out, "After all, she's with Kaji."
After the wedding, the quartet moved to a bar, not quite ready to head home for the night. Ritsuko idly sipped on a mixed drink while her companion Maya sipped on a soda. She didn't drink and to that had gotten some light ribbing from Misato. But Kaji, of all people, told her to knock it off. Some people didn't need it. If Maya knew him better, she might have discerned what he really meant by it but she instead was left with a sense of being left out.
Misato and Kaji had left momentarily; Misato to the restroom and Kaji to go get another drink. To tell the truth, Maya felt out of place. She was pretty close to Ritsuko but Misato was still the Major to her and Kaji, she didn't know him at all. What exactly he did at NERV was never really clear to her.
She would have never expected Ritsuko to extend such an invitation to her. Sure, they were close but she was sure that all they were was superior and underling. It was safer for her heart to never expect more.
Now, if Misato and Kaji could stop insisting her and Ritsuko were on a date, this would be great.
Kaji returned, a whiskey in hand. He sighed wistfully, "It's been some time since we've done something like this."
"I didn't take you for the nostalgic type," Ritsuko commented, "Don't you think Misato's drinking a bit too much too fast? I remembered her being better at pacing herself."
"If I had to hazard a guess, it's to keep up her high spirits."
"You always could read her best."
"You think I still can? All that was before she was wearing heels and things. It was different then," he paused, as if he was to continue. But he did not.
Ritsuko picked up on it, "It's so unimaginably different now. There's some things that are the same but mostly, a lot has changed."
Kaji propped his head on one hand, gazing out to the city lights below, "We all were different. I admit I was a brat back then. Me and Misato weren't really sharing a life. Living together, maybe, but we were just playing pretend. Playing house. Reality isn't as easy. Perhaps though, we still pretend. To a degree."
"Everyone pretends to some degree."
Now Maya felt really out of place. She wasn't so stupid that she couldn't tell they were saying more than they were actually saying. But unfortunately, she didn't know their past enough to be privy as to what it was. She sipped her drink thoughtfully, trying to decrypt their words.
"Anyway, I was thinking of visiting another city soon. I can bring you back a souvenir...you like cats, still?" Kaji said.
"Yes...that's nice of you..." Ritsuko trailed off then added, "Think hard before you go—it might be too hot. I wouldn't want you getting burned. Coming from a friend."
Kaji grinned lazily, "I'll take it seriously but if I get burned, I'd rather it with you."
"Then why don't I buy you two some matches?" Misato grumbled, coming back as she did. She had taken off her shoes; a pair of pristine white heels.
"Oh, Misa, you know I always preferred the burns from you," he grinned.
Misato shook her head, "You're so drunk, you're calling me that again? You haven't changed at all, have you, player?"
His grin did not waver, "Of course I have. After all, to live is to change."
"Homeostasis and transistatis," Ritsuko mused, "All living things contain the capacity to hold up the status quo or to change. We are conflicting in this way."
"Like man and woman."
"A scientist doesn't believe in such hard distinctions. Reality is a lot messier than you'd believe."
She smiled at Maya, "Wouldn't you agree?"
She was saying more than she let on again but this time, Maya had an inkling at what she implied. She could feel her face flush but she agreed, "Of course! Science doesn't believe in stark opposites!"
Misato sighed, rubbing her head, "Science talk makes my head hurt. How about I get us another round?"
"Do you really need any more?" Ritsuko asked.
"I'd like some more!"
"Not me," Ritsuko shook her head, "I've got work in the morning and I'd like to catch a few hours. How about you, Maya?"
"Yeah, I'm about ready to go home myself. Um. I could drive you home, since I haven't drank any."
"That's probably the best idea," Ritsuko agreed, "See you Misato, Kaji."
They gave their farewells, watching the two women leave. When Ritsuko stumbled on their way out, Maya rushed to offer her arm as support. Misato grinned, "I think Maya's gonna end up staying over with Rits, if you catch my drift."
Kaji returned her grin, "That's what I think. And good, too. Ritsuko has always been the sort..." he trailed off, thoughtful, "She's always been the sort to deprive herself of things she really needs, like she thinks she really doesn't need it."
"She deprives herself of good things for no good reason!"
"Now, I'm sure she has one," he took a sip of his whiskey, "Or believes she does."
"I'm glad she came at all. This all...it all feels so nostalgic," Misato set her head on her hand.
"Do you ever wish you could go back to that time?" Kaji prodded.
"Sometimes. It was a lot simpler at least."
"Time passes, no matter what we do. So it's better to move forward rather than be stuck in the past."
Misato glanced over at him. Kaji's eyes were closed and his mouth drawn into a soft frown. She downed the rest of her drink then said, "I suppose you're right…"
Maya was enjoying the drive home, even if they weren't talking, only existing in comfortable silence.
She stole a glance at Ritsuko who was looking ahead with a thoughtful look. As if she felt Maya's gaze, she said, "Y'know. I think Misato and Kaji will be a couple again by next morning," she paused and chuckled, "I'd bet on it if it wasn't so unfair to you."
"You think so?"
"I think this is the first time since college they've spent any extended time together. I don't think Kaji ever stopped loving her and Misato only pushed him away for outside reasons. In her state, she won't be able to deny she feels the same way."
"...I think you're right. You're really perceptive, Ritsuko."
"It comes with the work," she shrugs, "You learn to read what people are really saying, because they never will tell you the full truth. I think you should remember that."
Maya raised an eyebrow but didn't call further attention to her cryptic advice...or rather what it felt like: a warning. They pulled up to her apartment block and Maya said, "Thank you for inviting me, Se-Ritsuko. It was really nice. See you tomorrow?"
Ritsuko didn't immediately respond, only staring off into the night.
She thought about going back into to her apartment alone. She seldom went there but to sleep and sometimes she even just decided to sleep in her office back at the Geofront. It's why she had ended up having to have her grandmother keep her cats; she was never around enough to really take care of them.
She had probably spent more time at work than at that apartment. She had a house but it wasn't really a home. So going home alone didn't sound nice.
What sounded nice was staying with Maya. What they had was concrete; real in a tangible way. It wasn't like when she thought of the Commander, who invited a roiling conflict into her psyche. She had been brushing him off more than usual lately, when he invited her in.
Worst yet, he didn't seem to mind her not accepting. As if his heart had never been into it—into her, at all. Then again, maybe she was foolish enough to have believed Gendo Ikari had room for more than one woman in his heart.
"Y'know, Maya," she suggested, "Why don't you come on in with me? It's awfully late and I don't know if the trains are running anymore."
"You want me to stay...with you...at your home?"
"Oh, Maya," she smiled at her, "I think I'd love that."
It wasn't even an hour before Kaji called it quits. He had paced himself quite well so he wasn't all that drunk, merely buzzed. Misato on the other hand...
"You shouldn't be throwing up at your age," he murmured, as they walked home.
They had to head home when Misato reached the 'throwing up' stage of drinking. She was in no shape to drive and, when Kaji suggested he drive, she insisted no one got to drive the Alpine but her. So he walked home with her slung over his back. The proximity would have been exciting if the circumstances were different. Her arms were wrapped loosely around his neck, her head resting on his shoulder. She groaned, "So sorry I'm that age."
"We're both still that age."
"Don't try—try to make me feel better…"
"Sorry."
He sighed, wistful once more, "You wear heels now. Things really do change."
"Well, I gotta," she rubbed his face—or rather, slapped it flat across it then felt until she grabbed his chin, "'M serious 'bout the stubble. Shave it off."
"You're really sure about that?" he asked, the ghost of a smile on his lips.
She let her head loll against him, "Maybe...maybe not..."
A few more minutes were spent in silence until she spoke up again, "I think...I think I can walk the rest of the way."
He stopped, letting her slip off his back and onto the ground. He moved one of his arms to loop with hers, keeping her steady. She grumbled at him, but didn't tell him to let her go. Only when he was sure she wasn't going to fall, he reluctantly let her go. She set off at a wobbly pace and he followed.
Silence was their company for a few minutes more, the only sounds being those of Tokyo-3 at night; far-off engine sounds, the occasional cicada, and the buzzing of the overhead street lights. Kaji was so immersed in this that Misato's next words caught him off guard, "Kaji, do you think I've changed?"
"Well," he grinned softly, "You've become more beautiful."
"No, I mean," she stopped right under a street light, face fixed to the ground and words trailing off into the dark.
Kaji stopped beside her, his grin replaced by a firm frown. He didn't ask, not yet, about why she stopped. She appeared to be struggling with her words so he gave her the chance to find them.
"I'm sorry I insisted on breaking up with you. When I said I fell in love with someone else, that was a lie. Did you know?" she murmured.
He didn't change his expression but his heart hurt at the prospect. He answered softly, "No."
"It's just that...I realized you were like my father."
He wondered if he should be insulted. He let her continue.
"I realized I wanted a man like my father. When I realized that, I was afraid," her steady tone wavered with emotion, "I was so desperately afraid."
She paused, her voice catching on her words, "I was so afraid of being with you...being a woman, I was afraid of everything! I hated my father but I fell in love with a man like him!"
She shook her head, as if trying to regain her composure, "It's why I chose NERV, wanting to make a clean break from the past. I kept feeling like I was going to be stuck in the past, especially if I stayed with you. But even so, I ended up being stuck anyway! My father used to belong to these people! In the end, I have been fooling myself by taking revenge against the Angels! It's a cycle I can't break!"
Her tone reached a fever pitch and it sounded like she was nearly about to break into sobs. Kaji placed his hand firmly on her shoulder, "That was your decision, Katsuragi. Don't apologize to me."
"No!" she jolted up under his touch, "That wasn't a decision! I was just running away. Running away from my father! I'm such a coward, such a hypocrite..."
Manic, she grabbed at his shirt, grabbing and grabbing under she pulled him down to look into his eyes. Whatever reply he had died in his throat. "But Kaji," she sobbed, "If you're like my father, your work will kill you!"
Did she know? He murmured, "Misa...what do you know about that?"
"I don't know!"
"You're beating yourself up over running away but now you tell me to run away?"
"Not run away," she paused, let him go then shrank into herself, "I'm really sorry," she murmured, "I don't know why I said that. Any of that. I really did drink too much."
Kaji squeezed her shoulder, "That's enough. It's alright."
She was closer to the mark than she knew. His heart hurt.
"But it's not alright! I'm such a child, crying over all this!" she whimpered, "I've no right to tell Shinji or any of the kids anything! I'm barely an adult. What kind of guardian am I?!"
She was working herself up again. "That's enough." his voice went sharp and stern.
"And I don't know why you even like me! I just cling to men when it suits me! How underhanded! Even back then, I may have just been using you! I hate myself!" she was nearly sobbing again.
Kaji's other hand found her shoulder, firmly gripping it. "That's enough, stop it!" he demanded.
Seeing her in such a manner...it hurt. Why wouldn't she stop? Couldn't she see how these things were not true?
"I'm pathetic though!" she cried.
He did the only thing that ever worked when she got like this. He pulled her close and pressed his lips against hers in one motion. She wavered against him, startled. A thud signaled that she had dropped her heels. Her hands moved around him until he was clasped in her embrace. They stayed there for a few moments more before he pulled away. "Katsuragi, you were having a hard time. We all are. Don't say such things," he said, his voice serious.
She shook, "It really feels that way..."
"You're not in the right mind," one of his hands brushed against her face, wiping away her tears, "You need to rest. The Katsuragi I know is not pathetic."
A soft smile crossed his face, "And I don't think you were using me back then but if you were, I sure never complained."
A soft blush spread on her face and she looked away, "I wanna go home. Do you think...do you think you could help me?"
He bent down to retrieve her heels then looped his arm around her, "Let's get you home then."
When Misato and Kaji came home, the trio were all still in Asuka's room. They had turned on the light and were sitting around, quietly talking. That is, until the door opened. "Oh, that would be Misato," Shinji said, "I'll go see."
He stood and padded out. Kaworu glanced at Asuka, "Wanna see if your hunch about her and Kaji is right?"
Asuka snorted, "You say it as if I wasn't completely sure," but followed anyway.
The three came out into the living room, seeing Kaji slide Misato's door closed. Just inside, Shinji glimpsed her laid out with all her limbs apart, completely passed out. "Is she alright?" Shinji asked.
"She just had way too much to drink. She'll have a wicked hangover but she'll be alright. Maybe check on her every now and then if you wake up. I need to get going," he explained.
Asuka grinned cheekily from behind Shinji, "You could stay here and watch over her."
He waved her off, "Nah. I need to go somewhere for work tomorrow. Won't do to show up looking this this," he pulled his tie for emphasis.
"You kids get to bed, it's awfully late. Kaworu, you probably should head home.," he paused then added, "And take care of Katsuragi, Shinji, Asuka."
After they exchanged good nights and he left, Asuka adopted her cheeky grin and turned to the boys, "Hey. He smelled of lavender. That's Misato's perfume."
"You think…?" Shinji began.
"I think," she smiled smugly.
"We shall see," Kaworu said, "Kaji's right though. I think I need to head home."
"Oh, good night," Shinji said, raising his hand to wave, "It was...nice having you over."
Kaworu smiled brightly, "And good night to you too, Asuka."
"Night, night."
Upon leaving their apartment, Kaworu didn't go home. He padded down the hall then the stairs and then into the night. It was blissfully cool, a blessing in post-Impact Japan. The moon hung over him, signaling it was just after midnight.
Anyone who might have seen him leave, cameras or hidden Section 2 teams, did not. He had gotten really good at dodging prying eyes through the instances. Not a soul knew he was where he shouldn't be.
Once he had left his apartment, he slowed to a comfortable pace. If you look like you belonged there, you suddenly did. Keeping secrets was something he learned a long time ago, something before even his first death. It was a survival mechanism now, ingrained into his essence. Slip up and you die.
Or worst: are replaced.
He frowned deeply as he thought about the prospect. It was rare but there were times his handlers decided to take that measure. Shunted into a new body but not yet into a new loop often left him dazed and confused. His perfect memory would lapse, as if his consciousness was half here and half already there in the next loop, and would remain as such until he died for real.
He shook his head to clear it from that particular train of thought. No reason to be worried. It was only a routine meeting.
He left the developed city behind, coming into the outskirts of Tokyo-3. If this wasn't mere procedure, he'd find a thrill in sneaking out at night, dodging attention and responsibilities like he was a normal teenager.
He finally left the outskirts behind, darting into the woods. The only light now was the moon but even without it, he could see nearly perfectly in the dark, a quirk of his inhuman biology. It was quiet, something that could be relaxing on another night. But the dread lurking in Kaworu's mind, tainted it. "Just routine," he murmured.
He came out into a clearing and paused. He was just barely early so he took the opportunity to breathe. His superiors were sticklers to schedules so they'd only show themselves in the precise moment they said they would.
It was time.
He strode into the clearing. To anyone else, he'd just be standing there, looking at nothing. But to him, the clearing dimmed slightly and black monoliths phased into existence around him. The one in front of him, emblazoned with a symbol depicting a mask with seven eyes and the number '01' addressed him, "Tabris. Just on time."
He smiled good-naturedly at it, "You bid me to come and thus, I have."
Another monolith, '05' commented, "How dependable."
How good of you to obey orders.
01, otherwise known as Keel Lorenz, addressed Kaworu once more, "Has anything changed since we last talked? Any problems?"
"No problems. My sync ratio with 02 remains decent. My health as well."
"Good, good. Good to hear. How have the past few battles with your kin affected you?" the tone sounded curious but there lurked undertones of mocking.
Kaworu maintained his poker face of serene calm, "It's always a little nerve-wracking but my continued existence here means their defeat is inevitable."
"It doesn't distress you?"
"You know my kind doesn't feel like that," he lied smoothly.
"How about Commander Ikari? Have you interacted with him recently?" Keel prodded.
"I have not. There's never an opportunity and I believe it's for the best I don't get closer than I should. He already doesn't trust me."
"Alas. It would be helpful if you had insight into his motives. No matter. What can you tell us of the last Angel attack?"
"Ah, Sahaqiuel."
"No. We mean, Iruel."
As Kaworu suspected, they would want him to fill them in to what Commander Ikari hid from them. He frowned deeply, "If there was an Angel, I did not see, hear or sense it. I do know Doctor Akagi was to test us without any interference in the plug but something prompted the test to be cut short and the testing plugs to be ejected. When we were retrieved, we were told it was a 'glitch in the system'."
"And this is all you know."
"Everything I was told, yes."
The silence that stretched after was agonizing but Kaworu stood true, not betraying anything to his handlers. "Alright, Tabris," Keel finally spoke, "I do hope that is the truth. I do know you are aware of your, ahem, 'backups'?"
Kaworu nearly shuddered but his facade was true, "I am aware, sir."
"It would do for you not to forget it."
And with that, the monoliths blinked out. Kaworu waited a few moments more before walking away, the way he came. Only once under the trees did he slump against one of the trunks with a sigh. He suddenly was very tired. He usually was, after these meetings.
Keeping secrets was tiring.
Not terribly far away in the derelict outskirts of Tokyo-3, atop a familiar abandoned building, was someone whose mood was better. Mari craned her head back, taking in what stars made it past the noise pollution. She finished her onigiri, pilfered from a nearby convenience store, then smiled.
"Y'know Yui...this one feels different. I've got a good feeling about it."
Author's Note:
This chapter remains one of my favorites in the whole fic, if not my complete favorite! Despite my best efforts, it's still close to 10k words but this chapter feels important enough to leave it at that. A lot of the rewriting was for the purpose of aligning everything with how the plot is going to progress here, instead of the original plans. It's definitely one that has a few sections that will benefit from revisiting later on ;)