Chapter 81:Where do we go from here?

'Just because he can't love you the way you want him to doesn't mean he doesn't love you with everything he has.'

-Anna Todd

It was almost four in the morning when Joel stepped out onto the porch. He took a long sip of his coffee, relishing in the peace and quiet. He took a deep breath of fresh air, a balm to his soul. He appreciated moments like this; when he was just a simple man alone with his thoughts. The house was quiet with everyone still asleep.

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed deeply. He shouldn't be up so early, but he couldn't sleep. His mind had been racing. There was still so much that needed to be done. So many homes were wrecked in the civil war, families and lives torn apart forever.

The Miller family weren't an exception. Everyone was handling the loss in their own way. They were rebuilding, slowly but surely.

He took a seat on the porch, mentally preparing himself for the long day ahead of him. He was a weary man. He was also angry and disappointed in himself, but he wasn't blaming himself. Not anymore.

Him and Becca had an argument the night before. It shouldn't have even culminated into a fight, but they've neglected bigger issues in their relationship. He's realized in the years they've spent together he put her on a pedestal. He spent so much time thinking he didn't deserve her because he was some bad guy, but he never took the time to realize he wasn't always the blame. He wasn't around to boost anyone's ego. He's never been an ass kissing kind of man.

Becca made him feel as if he were walking on eggshells sometimes. He was sensitive to her moods, but she pushed his buttons sometimes. He got himself clean and has gone to therapy. He's putting in the work to make himself better. He just wished she did the same.

He didn't even remember the argument. In the grand scheme of things it was trivial, but not to him. She made him feel like shit sometimes. He was so in love with her, but he wouldn't allow their son to grow up with parents who didn't know how to communicate. Sometimes love isn't enough. No matter how much you want it to be.

He closed his eyes when he heard the front door open. He didn't even have to look back to know who it is. She's probably come to apologize, but he didn't think it would be enough. He deserved better. They both did. Marriage was difficult. It took a lot of work, which is why his first marriage didn't work out. He was in this one for the long haul though. He hoped he could say the same for her.

She frowned when she saw him sitting on the porch. It was still really early in the morning. It was still too dark to do work on the farm, but he was dressed for the day. She sighed to herself in resignation.

It felt like forever since they've been building towards this moment.

They said a lot of horrible things to each other over the course of their relationship. Most marriages would crumble under the pressure, but she loved him too much not to make this work. She was complicit in this too. Maybe more so if she were being honest with herself.

She walked over to the bench and sat down next to him. She sighed softly as she stared out onto the farm,'You're right. We…' She shook her head correcting herself,'I need help. I keep playing the victim and making you out to be the bad guy. You don't deserve it.'

He nodded and sighed,'You're right. I don't. I'm not David or Ben. I know I've done shitty things to you, but I thought I made amends for that. At least I'm trying to anyway. We have a kid together. We can't keep doing this. I think we both need to…have marriage counseling or something. Love isn't enough, Bec. You know that as well as I do.'

She wasn't surprised by his maturity towards the situation. He's come a long way since she's first met him. She wished she could say the same for herself.

Joel was silent for what felt like forever. She didn't push him to say anything, knowing he would speak when he was ready. He was right about everything. Just because they were in love with each other didn't mean they wouldn't have problems. They were willing to fight for their marriage. She felt so ashamed for the things she said to him last night.

They couldn't dissolve their anger with sex and teasing. Joel was right. She used her body against him. She's always looked at him as being thick skinned. She never stopped to think her words hurt him just as much as he hurt her.

He finally looked over at her and placed his hand on her leg,'I don't want you saying sorry cause we both it won't mean shit if we keep doing it. You meant what you said last night. If the outbreak never happened…you wouldn't have married me. Honestly? I've always known that, but it finally felt good to hear you admit it the truth. I can't change who I am and neither can you but if we're gonna make this work it can't always be me. I'm sick of the teasing, Bec. The fucking…manipulation. I'm a victim too. Deep down. I think I've always known it, but to actually hear it?'

He didn't finish and she won't dare ask him to elaborate. She will never forget the look on his face when she admitted the truth. The truth of it all. Maybe she always thought she was better than him, but refused to admit it even to herself.

Tears filled her eyes but she refused to let them fall. She wondered if this was the moment she lost him. Maybe he was getting fed up with her mood swings. Her panic attacks abd the constant need to be vilified. She thought she was better than him, but she wasn't. In a lot of ways, Joel was the good one. Sometimes she felt like an impostor. Maybe he realized it too.

She bit back tears when he took his hand off her leg when she tried to hold it. Maybe this is what she needed. Tough love. He wouldn't forgive her so easily and she didn't deserve it. He was right. She needed to take accountability for her actions just as he did.

'I'm gonna a talk to Peter about getting therapy.' She shook her head,'I used to work with Sharon but we both know she wasn't doing either one of us any good. There's a few therapists in town that…survived the fallout.'

'I know.' He nodded,'I've been talking to one.' He shrugged,'Maybe we need marriage counseling. Something. We're both too damned old for this. I don't want Mattie growing up thinking this is how people love each other.'

She looked up at him and frowned,'You still love me enough to work at it?'

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed,'You shouldn't have to ask me that. After everything we've been through and everything I've done to prove it to you. You still don't believe me. I can't love you the way you want me to. I can only love you the way I know how. If that isn't enough for you then I don't know what else to do.'

'There's nothing else for you to do, Joel.' She took a moment to gather her thoughts,'It's now time for me to put in some work. I'll start counseling. We can do it together. I don't want to lose you. I didn't like going to bed angry.'

'You think you're better than me.' He ignored the last part of what she said. He wouldn't feel guilty today. Not when he didn't do a damned thing wrong,'Maybe twenty five years ago that would've been the case. But now? We're all on the same playing field. Don't act like you did me a favor by marrying me, Rebecca. I don't deserve that.'

He got up from the bench and placed his cowboy hat on his head. Any other day she could've resolved their conflicts with light teasing or pretty words. Joel regained his self worth back. He wanted to be a better role model for his own. She would actually have to earn his forgiveness this time.

Becca heard Mateo's cries up the open window of his nursery. Joel sighed deeply as he stepped off the porch,'I have to get to work.'

She nodded silently as she watched him walk down to the barn. She had a lot of work ahead of herself today too. Personally and professionally.

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Ellie was babysitting Mateo while Becca went into town. She needed to talk to Peter about returning to work full time and finding therapy. She knew the few therapists they had in town were busy considering everything that happened, but she was determined to make things right and get the help she needed.

It was a warm day and she decided to walk into town, needing the exercise.

She saw Joel and Maria talking outside of Betsy's store. Ever since Tommy betrayed them and died they've been especially close. She wasn't jealous. She understood they were both grieving someone they both deeply loved in different ways. She wasn't as close with Tommy as they were. While she missed him in her own way. She didn't know him. Not really anyway.

Joel seemed to step in and take over Tommy's role. He would help with whatever Maria needed done around the house and they would watch Sebastian whenever she had to work. She often wondered if Joel did it out of guilt. Could Joel be trying to make amends for Maria saving his life?

She's come to realize in those moments Joel was always a good man. She just never gave him enough credit. No one ever did.

After the fall of the counsel, Becca thought things would be different. It seemed to change everyone else's life for the better. People in town were still leery of her. After Joel's heroic efforts during the civil war everyone gained a newfound respect for him. No one trusted the woman whose grandfather wanted to build a new world order.

She took a deep breath to gather her courage and walked into the hospital. Even after a year they were still making renovations on the place. She wondered if it would ever get done.

She exchanged a few words with some of her colleagues before making her way to Peter's office. She knocked gently on his door, waiting for him to beckon her inside.

He had a warm smile on his face for his old friend,'Rebecca, it's good to finally see you inside these walls again. You coming back to us?'

'Soon.' She nodded and gave him a small smile. She closed the door behind her and sat in front of his desk,'I don't think I'm ready for work quite yet.' She sighed,'I need…help. Serious mental help, Peter. My panic attacks are back and the nightmares. I haven't told my husband they came back. Instead I've been lashing out at him.' Tears filled her eyes as she took a deep breath,'I think we need marriage counseling too because I seriously think I'm gonna lose him. I said some really fucked up things to him last night and he can't even look at me.'

Peter sighed as he crossed his arms over his chest,'Triggers regarding trauma present themselves in different ways. He should know that better than anyone else.'

'I told him last night that before the outbreak I wouldn't have looked twice at him.' She blurted out,'He doesn't deserve that.'

Peter nodded and frowned,'You're right. He doesn't.' He took a moment as he pulled out his binder,'Tony's the best marriage counselor we got in this town. I'm sure he would be happy to help you guys.'

She breathed a sigh of relief and nodded,'And me?'

Peter looked her over and shook his head,'I can work with you, but I'm not like Sharon. I don't hold back and I expect the same from you. If we're gonna do this I expect complete honesty and trust.'

'You got it.' Her eyes widened and she nodded,'I don't want to lose him. I love him too much. He's not even angry with me. Just…hurt and disappointed. I think I would've felt better with him screaming at me. When I said those things last night. He just looked…dejected. He doesn't deserve that.

'You're right.' He doesn't.' Peter sighed,'I have a meeting in five, but I expect you here for our first session tomorrow morning at nine. I'll talk to Tony about getting you two into counseling together.'

She walked him out as she gave him a hug,'Thank you for your help.'

Peter shook his head and smiled wryly,'Don't thank me yet. I haven't done anything. I expect you to put in the work too. I'm just here to listen and guide you as best I can.'

Becca nodded silently as she watched him walk down the hallway. She was afraid of talking about everything that's happened. The last person she trusted with her feelings ended up wanting to kill her. She knew she could trust Peter. It was herself she didn't trust.

She walked out of the hospital and was surprised to see Joel standing outside. She gathered her nerves to walk over to him and looked up at him, noticing he was averting his gaze from her eyes,'I made my first therapy appointment and Peter said he would talk to Tony about getting us into counseling.'

He had his arms crossed defensively over his chest and nodded,'Name the time and place. I'll be there.'

She sighed as she looked over his shoulder, desperate to look at something other than him,'I should get home. Ellie is with Mattie. Will you be eating dinner with us or should I save you a plate?'

'I'll be home for supper.' He shook his head and rubbed her arm,'I'm proud of you. For taking the first step. It ain't easy to admit you need help.'

He didn't know the half of it, but in counseling he would know everything. She would lay herself bare to him. He deserved it. She loved him too much to lose him. Now it was herself who needed to get herself straight.

She would make herself proud. If she wasn't good to herself she couldn't be to anyone else. She's always thought herself to be superior to others but she's learned in this day and age; everyone was a survivor. No class rankings existed. People were measured by their character.