Chapter 82:Full of Life

'It's when we start working together that the real healing takes place.'

-David Hume

Becca was nervous for their first day of marriage counseling. Sure they've talked about their feelings with each other, but not to anyone else. She had no idea what would come about this or what would be revealed. She knew there was a lot they haven't revealed to one another. Secrets that couldn't be kept buried. There was still a lot he didn't know. She was sure there were things she didn't know about him either.

She began her solo therapy with Peter a week ago. She had an hour session with him three times a week. She found it easy to talk to him. She could say whatever she wanted to him and he wouldn't judge her. He would simply listen and offer whatever suggestions he could. She felt a safe space with him. In ways she hadn't felt with anyone else before.

It felt good to finally talk about the things that plagued her day in and day out. She never truly disengaged herself from David's programming. He had brainwashed her to the point she almost felt guilty for living and being happy without his control. She should be happy. She had beautiful children and a loving husband, the family she's always wanted, but it wasn't enough. Peter said it's because she thought she didn't deserve it.

She had been inclined to agree.

Ever since their argument she felt something shift within their marriage. Her words put a wedge between them and she hated it. He could barely look at her let alone touch her. He used to be so affectionate with her, but he wouldn't even come to bed until late at night; thinking she would be sound asleep. She couldn't remember the last time she had a decent nights sleep. They survived the civil war. She just hoped they survived each other.

Joel was waiting for her in front of Tony's building. He conducted therapy out of his apartment. Apparently he lived in Manhattan before the outbreak and was one of the leading marriage counselors in the area. New York kept him busy. He seemed bored in Jackson.

Weren't they all?

She walked up to her husband and handed him a thermos of coffee and muffins,'This is for work. I made enough for the crew.'

He had a stoic look on his face as he took the thermos and basket from her. If this was any other morning he would've kissed her and thanked her. There used to be a time where they were all over each other, but he's gone through enough personal growth to understand the toxicity in that. There used to be a time where sex could solve anything. He didn't want just physical intimacy from his wife. He wanted the emotional intimacy and connection. He thought they had it, but he was mistaken. He knew there was a lot she was keeping from him while he was an open book.

He didn't know when the tables turned. Almost the entire town was wary of her. They thought she was in cahoots with her grandfather. They didn't trust her. She barely went into town and kept herself sequestered at the farm with Matty and Ellie. The only people in town that associated themselves with her were Maria and Betsy. He wanted to fix it but he knew it would be something she would have to do on her own. He didn't think it was fair to her. He often wondered if she resented him for that.

He finally turned to her and looked over her face,'Thanks. How's the kiddo doing?'

'He's with Ellie tending to the cows.' She managed to make eye contact with him and frowned,'You didn't get in until late last night.'

He took his hat off and ran a hand through his hair, sighing deeply,'I was working on the roof of the new house. I think it'll be done before Summer.'

Her eyes widened in surprise. She knew he was still working on the house. He would disappear for hours at a time, sometimes in the middle of the night. She never asked where he went. She figured he was either working on something or visiting Tess and his son's grave. Most days it seemed he couldn't get away from her fast enough.

'That's really great.' She gave him a small smile,'I can't wait to see it when it's finished.'

He pursed his lips and nodded curtly, mumbling,'We should get inside. I have a busy day ahead of me.'

She stared at his back as he walked away from her. She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. He wasn't cold to her. Just matter of fact. She had no one else to blame but herself. She wondered if he was building the house to move the hell away from her. Peter said she victimized herself to feed her ego and gain back control of herself. She used Joel's love for her selfishly, always stripping him bare yet giving nothing in return.

She doubted muffins or coffee would make up for all the shit she caused.

She followed him inside the building and up to Tony's apartment. He knocked on the door and Tony opened it. He had a bright smile on his face as he averted his eyes between the two. He was in his late sixties, short and stocky with gray hair. His beard made up for his bald head and he dressed like Mister Rogers, but he was a warm and kind man. When she mentioned him to Joel he seemed comfortable to discuss their problems with him.

He ushered them inside and over to his couch in the living room. His entire apartment smelled of cinnamon and was warmly decorated with candles, throw pillows and bookcases overflowing with books. She immediately felt at ease in her, like she could spill her guts without any judgments. She was afraid to speak of some things to Joel, but in order for them to survive this they needed to be honest with each other. It wasn't something she could do on her own. She needed a safe space. She could admit that now.

Joel took a seat on the couch, manspreading as he leaned back against the cushions. He let out a deep sigh. He looked exhausted. He needed to rest. He wouldn't let her take care of him as a wife should. He lost his trust and faith in her. In them.

She took a seat at the other end of the couch. Every time she tried to get close to him he would flinch away from her. She knew he was just protecting his feelings, but fuck it hurt.

Tony sat down in his chair across from them. He averted his eyes between them as he opened his notebook. She figured he would need a whole stack of them before they were finished.

He turned to Becca first. Of course he did,'Why do you think you asked for this?'

She took a deep breath to steady her nerves as she wrung her hands in her lap,'We've…' She quickly shook her head, correcting herself,'I haven't been very open with my husband and…don't treat him the way he deserves.'

'That just ain't on you.' He resisted the urge to roll his eyes,'There ya go making it all about you again.'

Her eyes widened at that and she looked up at him in resignation,'Why are you here then?'

He was silent a moment before whispering,'Cause I love you and when I said I was all in I meant it. I'm just sick and tired of you making me feel like shit. I've told you everything there is to know about me and you only give me bits and pieces, like I don't deserve to know everything about you. You keep so much of your shit private and expect me to be an open book.'

She let his words fully sink in, knowing he was right. There was still so much about her he didn't know. She had always been afraid to tell him, thinking he wouldn't understand. She didn't stop to think he was hurting too.

Tony was silent as he observed the exchange between the two. He could see the immense and deep love for one another. They wouldn't be here right now if they didn't, but he could tell there was a lot of disconnect between them. They didn't talk to one another. They bottled things up until it blew up in their faces.

Tony jotted down a few notes into his notepad before turning his attention back to them,'I know you both met in Silver Lake, but how?'

Becca cleared her throat, deciding it best if she spoke first,'My exhusband David had a religious sect. Think of David Koresh but cannibalism thrown into the mix.' She saw the look of shock on Tony's face,'He kidnapped Ellie to use her as a ploy against the Fireflies. He was gonna sell her to them, but he had a change of heart and wanted to keep her for himself.'

Joel's eyes widened in shock. He never knew the original reason of why she had been taken. He always assumed it was to be a child bride. He should've known.

She took another deep breath and continued,'He had me…shoot Joel so he could take her. I didn't want to.'

She turned to Joel, who had an unreadable look on his face. He saw him clench his fists and he was gritting his teeth. He was angry with her, but tried to keep his cool. She's done some really fucked up shit in the name of 'God'.

'I'm really sorry I didn't tell you that.' She frowned,'I swear I didn't want to.'

Joel shook his head and sighed,'You're a better shot than I thought. Nice of ya to patch me up after the fact. Ya really came full circle.'

She could hear the scathing sarcasm dripping off his voice, spreading over her body like wildfire. She wondered if he would even want to be with her after this. Tony seemed enough of a straight shooter to tell them if anything could be salvaged. Time would tell.

'If you knew I was the one who shot you would you have let me come with you?' She sighed,'Honestly.'

'No.' He didn't even have to think about it as he crossed his arms over his chest,'I woulda blew your brains out as soon as I laid eyes on ya. The only reason why I brought ya was cause of Ellie. If I had a choice you woulda died out there.'

'Thanks.' Her response was deadpan,'Just what a wife wants to hear from her husband.'

Tony frowned as Joel snorted. It was elucidated to him they had a lot to learn about each other. He was told they've known each other for almost six years. They were married a year and a half, but they seemed like strangers to one another. They would have to put in a lot of work to make this a formidable marriage.

Tony looked over some of his notes and turned to Joel,'How long were you two together before you got married?'

Joel and Becca's faces fell. Neither one of them knew how to answer that. Mainly because they didn't have an honest answer without giving themselves away.

Joel ran a hand through his hair and glanced over at his wife,'We didn't exactly…we weren't exactly dating or anything before we got married.' He shrugged,'We went on a couple dates and just decided to get married. We knew each other for years before that. We didn't see a reason to wait. We were best friends. We didn't think we needed to date. We knew each other. At least I thought we did anyway.'

Tony nodded and gave them a small smile, averting his eyes between them,'I think that's one of your biggest problems. Friendship doesn't equate to marriage. Just because you know someone as a friend doesn't mean you know them as a partner. There's a big difference between the two and I think your wires are…criss crossed because of it. Zombie outbreak or not. You still need to date and see what it's like to be boyfriend and girlfriend. You just jumped into marriage.'

Neither Joel nor Becca could disagree. They knew he was right. They were only on a few dates before they got married. She never called him her boyfriend. She thought he was so much more than that, but that's where they went wrong.

'What do we do?' She frowned,'Do we start…dating?'

'That's a start.' Tony nodded,'Along with coming here about four times a week.'

'What do you want in exchange?' Joel narrowed his eyes,'I know you're not doing this for free or outta the kindness of your heart.'

Tony sighed and shook his head,'You're doing enough in this town with helping us rebuild.' He stared at Becca,'I would appreciate you making some of those cookies I like though.' He scanned over his notes,'Coming here and admitting you need help is the first step in progress. I think it might be beneficial for you two to go on dates. I don't mean sitting inside your house. Maybe live or sleep separately for the time being.'

Joel and Becca looked at each other. They didn't disagree, but they didn't have to like it.

'Start over you mean?' Becca waited for him to nod,'We have a son together and I have nowhere to go. This town doesn't want anything to do with me most days.'

'You can move in with Maria for the time being.' Joel shrugged, 'She would appreciate the company, I think.'

Becca's eyes widened and she shook her head,'And Mateo? I'm not leaving without our son, Joel.'

'We can share custody for the time being.' Joel shared a look with Tony,'Is that what you want?'

Tony crossed his arms over his chest and frowned,'It's not about what I want, but I think living under the same roof isn't making things better. It seems to be making things worse. I've suggested trial separations with marriages before and some of them work while some realize they're better apart than together. It's something you need to decide for yourself. Go on dates, get to actually know each other and we'll all meet in the middle. I want to give you two some homework tonight. Write a list down of all the pros and cons you have about one another. We'll go through your lists and see if we can find some common ground.' He clapped his hands softly and looked up at the clock,'I think we're done for today. I have another session for today, but I expect you both here first thing at eight tomorrow morning.'

They both got up from the couch as Tony walked them out. Becca wasn't exactly thrilled about moving out. The fact he wanted her gone made her realize something. The farm had always belonged to him. She was merely a guest.

They got outside and Joel surprised her by placing his hands on her arms,'This isn't permanent. I'll come and check in everyday. We can split our time with Matty. I think Tony's right. This is something we need to do. You know it too.'

'I do.' She nodded and smiled sadly,'Ellie isn't gonna be happy about it.'

'I don't think neither of us are happy about it, Bec.' He frowned,'El is probably tired of hearing us fight anyway.'

Becca bit back a frown. Ellie was still sorting through her own trauma. She lost two people she loved very deeply. She lost a lot of her friends. She just turned nineteen and was talking about getting an apartment of her own in town. They always knew it was coming. She had a job working in the hospital training to help in maintenance. She wanted her independence and they accepted it.

Becca looked over his shoulder,'I should probably get back to pack. I…can bring Matty with me?'

'Yeah.' He sighed,'I've very working nonstop. He'll be better off with you. You can give him more attention. That doesn't mean I ain't gonna see him every chance I get.'

The fact he didn't say he wouldn't check on her wasn't lost in translation. She wondered if he even wanted to start over and date her. If she saw him with someone she might actually go to the gallows for good this time.

She wanted to reach out and hug him. She stared at him, seeing the internal war raging in his own eyes. She wondered what he was thinking in that moment, but was too afraid to ask.

She settled for rubbing his arm as she walked away from him.

'Hey Becca!'

She turned around when he called for her. He was still standing in the same spot she left him in. His arms were crossed and he had a smirk on his face,'What ya doing tomorrow night?'

She gave him a small smile and shook her head,'I don't have any plans.'

She had a shy smile on her face, one that surprisingly matched his own,'Can I take you on a date?'

His eyes widened as his features softened towards her in what felt like forever,'Funny, I was about to ask ya the same thing. Tomorrow at seven work?'

'Yeah.' She nodded,'That'll work.'

He seemed pleased by that and shoved his hands into his the pockets of his jeans,'I'll see ya tomorrow.'

She swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. She decided not to say anything as he walked away heading over to the job site. They knew starting over wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it in the end.

At least she hoped so anyway.

When she got back to the house Ellie was sitting on the porch with Matty. Her son giggled and kicked his feet happily went he saw her. She picked him up and kissed all over his face. He was one of the reasons why they were fighting so hard.

Ellie looked up at her and frowned,'How did the first session go?'

She gently bounced Matty in her arms and frowned,'He thinks a trial separation is what's best and that we should start over like dating. I'm going to stay with Maria.'

'For how long?' Ellie sighed,'Are you guys breaking up again?'

'Not everything is about breaking up.' She shook her head,'Sometimes people need some time apart to appreciate what they have. If we make it through this then we were meant to be.'

Ellie pursed her lips and rolled her eyes,'And if you don't?'

Becca shrugged, feeling surprisingly mature and level headed about the situation,'Then we were never supposed to be together.'

Ellie huffed and crossed her arms over her chest,'But you love each other.'

'Just because people love each other doesn't mean you're supposed to be together.' Becca sighed,'We fight more than couples should. Especially married ones. We both agree this is for the best. Not just for us, but you and Matty too. We're gonna go on a date tomorrow night, but we jumped into marriage too quickly. We were desperate and clung onto each other more than we should have.' She nodded,'I think this is exactly what we need.'

Ellie nodded as she pulled herself up from the bench,'Whatever you guys decide to do I'll support and love you both. Just make sure my brother is taken care of and I'm gonna come over everyday.'

'You better.' Becca held her face in her hands and kissed her forehead,'You're a very mature young woman. Maybe more so than me. I have a lot to learn from you.'

Ellie smirked and nodded,'Don't I know it.' She jerked her head towards the door,'Come on. I'll help you pack.'

Becca smiled at Ellie, wondering what she's done to deserve her. She wasn't kidding. She had a lot to learn from her. She had better coping mechanisms than half the people in town, who mostly relied on the only bar in town. She was happy to see Joel didn't resort back to old habits.

Herself on the other hand.