Chapter 83: To be honest

'As long as you're still alive, you always have the chance to start again.'

- Emily Acker

Joel stood in front of Maria's house feeling a sense of trepidation. He helped Becca move some of her and Matty's stuff over to her house the night before. Maria seemed surprised about the move, but surprisingly agreeable. Ever since Tommy's betrayal and death she seemed lonely. It's why he's taken to visiting her as often as he could.

He felt guilty in a sense. He should've been the one to have killed Tommy. It shouldn't have been his wife. He didn't understand how it all came about in the first place. For the rest of his life he'll never make sense of it.

He placed his hands on his hips, sighing to himself. He knew being apart was what they needed. They've spent too much time relying on each other for their happiness. They walked on eggshells around each other.

Ever since they got back from their weekend in Arrowhead things shifted between them. It was like they didn't know how to interact with each other. The civil war changed everyone. Some for the better and worse.

He walked up onto Maria's porch and knocked on the door twice. Even now they still kept their signal to announce their presence. They didn't trust easily. He had to admit, he hated having his wife and child out of eyesight, but the threat was over. The only danger they were to themselves.

Becca opened the door, looking flustered and disheveled. Matty was perched on her hip as Maria's dog barked loudly. She was wearing a dark green flannel and jeans, her red hair in a messy braid. She had heavy bags under her eyes. She wasn't sleeping. They had that in common.

Matty beamed as his eyes landed on Joel. He immediately went for his son and held him to him, kissing the mess of dark curls. Maria said Matty was his clone. He was inclined to agree. His eyes were all Becca though.

She gave him a small smile and opened the door wider,'Come in. Maria just left for work. I just got back from my therapy session.'

He nuzzled into Matty's head, breathing in his scent,'How did it go?'

'It went well.' She shrugged,'We just started and didn't get into the thick of it yet.' She looked up at him, giving him a small smile,'I think it's gonna help in the long run. I had to bring Matty with him. Ellie has work so I'll have to bring him to our session too.'

'I could take him too, ya know.' He sighed,'I love spending time with him.'

She nodded and smiled softly,'I know, but you're working too. I seem to be the only one who isn't around here.'

Joel narrowed his eyes as he watched her walk around the living room,'I thought you would go back to the hospital.'

Becca eyes averted away from him as she gathered Matty's things into his diaper bag,'The other nurses took a vote. They…didn't feel comfortable with me working with them after…Francis.'

'That ain't your fault.' He rolled his eyes,'He was nut job. You can't control his actions.'

Any other time Joel would've raised hell on her behalf, but he wasn't that kind of man anymore. Becca had been right. He couldn't fight her battles anymore. It would be something she would have to deal with on her own. She needed to rebuild her trust with the community again.

She still helped Betsy in town with her shop. She worked behind the scenes, helping with stitching, which she was proficient at being a nurse. She truly didn't know if she would ever practice nursing again. At least not in this town anyway.

Joel looked up at the clock and sighed,'You about ready to go?'

'Yeah.' She hoisted the diaper bag over her shoulder as they made their way out the door.

He took the heavy bag from her as he held tightly onto Matty. He watched her lock up. There was a tenseness in her body he hasn't seen in a long time. He knew her body better than anyone. Hopefully she would talk about more in his sessions. He wasn't sleeping either. Though he wondered if it were for the same reasons.

She walked alongside him to Tony's house. She looked up at him, giving him a small smile,'They're playing Pretty Pink in the new town hall tonight.' She shrugged,'I figured they could be a fun first date.'

Joel bit down his smartass remark. They've known each other for almost six years. Were married (which wasn't legalized, but who the hell would do it anyway?). They've been through thick and thin. They had a child together, but were planning dates like they were freshman's in high school. He hoped Tony knew what he was doing.

'Sounds like a plan.' He gave her a tight smile,'I'd ask for dinner beforehand but don't know where to take ya that ain't the farm or Maria's house.'

She carefully thought about it a moment and shook her head,'We could always eat at the canteen together.'

Joel smiled wryly to himself. He remembered when their nights consisted of so much more, but there wasn't any substance. They hid themselves away and acted as if they were ashamed of each other. They needed to see if they could manage a relationship with the outside world.

Tony greeted them with a warm smile as Becca handed him a container of her muffins. She was bored and barely slept. She needed something to occupy her time.

Luckily, Matty fell asleep in his coach. She didn't put him down for a nap in the morning, knowing he would have to come with them. It seemed everyone in town was busy but her.

Tony opened up his notebook as he averted his eyes between them,'Did you both complete your homework?'

They both sheepishly pulled out their lists, which was more difficult to write than their marriage vows. They were afraid to speak of certain things, knowing it would just open the floodgates, but honesty would only get them through this.

Becca cleared her throat as she unfolded her piece of paper,'I can go first.' She stared down at her list, feeling her hands shaking,'A pro…you…listen to me. Probably more so than any other person I've met in my life.' She looked over at Joel warily,'A con…you would rather avoid a problem than talk about it. We end up fighting about stupid shit rather than the bigger issue.'

He gritted his teeth and decided not to respond, knowing she was right. He saw her wedding ring gleaming on her finger. He still wore his own. He didn't feel the need to take it off and neither did she. Hopefully that was a good sign.

She took a deep breath to gather her courage and continued,'A pro…I never once regretted marrying you. Even through everything. A con…sometimes I feel like I'm just in the way and something else you have to take care of.'

He became angry and offended at that, crossing his arms defensively over his chest,'You're my wife. It's my job to protect ya.' He unfolded his paper, needing for her to see his reasoning,'A pro…you love me better than anyone ever has. A con…you make me feel like I should be honored you share the same breath as me.'

Becca's eyes widened at that. She remembered her words during the worst argument of their lives.

Before the outbreak I wouldn't have looked twice at a scumbag like you!

She would never forget the dejected look on his face. It haunted her even now. It caused her sleepless nights and panic attacks. She wished he would've screamed at her or pulled a gun on her like the old days, but he didn't do any of that. He just stared at her in disbelief with tears in his eyes. He seemed so hurt and…numb. She wondered if that were the moment she lost him.

He sighed and shook his head,'A pro…you actually give a damn about the shit I have to say. A con…sometimes I wonder if you really listen.'

Tony's eyes averted between the two as he took down notes. They seemed to jump right into it enthusiastically. It was made obvious to him their biggest problem was lack of communication. Neither seemed to understand where the other was coming from. In his line of work, it was a tale as old as time. Two polar opposites drawn together despite their mass differences, which was even more difficult to navigate in such an isolated world. They couldn't escape each other.

Becca's eyes filled with tears as she sighed shakily,'Pro…I'm still in love with you and I'm determined to make this work.' She closed her eyes momentarily,'A con…I honestly don't know if you want the same.'

He couldn't help but groan at that and roll his eyes,'Come on. I wouldn't be sitting here talking about my feelings if I didn't wanna make this work. You don't give me enough credit, Bec.' He lifted up his list and waved it in front of her,'That's one of my cons.' He looked over at their son sleeping soundly and took a few deep breaths,'Sometimes I feel like without your money…I'm here to just boost your ego.'

'What ego?' Her eyes widened incredulously,'I did t mean what I said that night. You kept distancing yourself from me. Ever since Tommy died you can barely be around me or Ellie. It's like you resent us for some reason. You won't admit it. You never admit anything.'

'Oh fuck you.' He whispered vehemently,'Always poor Rebecca. Pity me. Woe is me. You coulda got away from David anytime you wanted to, but chose to stay and almost try and kill me. You blamed David's men for shooting me. You lied to me.'

She shook her head and placed her list on the coffee table, considering it a moot point,'I made amends for that.'

'By having El kill them cause you couldn't do it yourself.' He frowned,'How many people did you kill and…eat for him, Becca?'

'Enough that they cause me to have nightmares every night and panic attacks almost daily.' She whispered admittedly,'I did what I needed to survive. Just as you did.'

Joel's eyes widened and he shook his head confusingly,'You're still having panic attacks and nightmares? When did they start again?'

'After Arrowhead.' She wouldn't dare lie to him anymore,'I kept seeing David wherever I went. It's why I slept on the couch. I didn't want you to think you had to worry about me.'

Joel scrubbed a hand tiredly over his face, scratching at his beard,'I'm your husband. I should know these things. How am I supposed to help you if I don't know what's going on. You could hurt yourself or Matty. You're not in the right frame of mind during a panic attack.'

She couldn't fight him there. He was right. She shouldn't have hid anything from him. She let her pride get in the way.

Tony didn't interject. He just listened as he tried to get a grasp on what he was dealing with. They were suffering from PTSD and trauma. They just had different ways of dealing with it and neither was productive for a healthy and sustainable relationship.

Tony leaned in closer to them as he stared down at their lists on the coffee table. They seemed almost mirror images of each other,'Have you both decided on a trial separation?' They both nodded their heads,'Wonderful. And what about a date?'

'We're going to movie night at the town hall and dinner at the canteen afterwards.' Joel shrugged,'It ain't like we can go and do real shit.'

Tony shook his head and sighed,'That is doing real shit. Who cares where you are and what you're doing. It's the time together that counts. Stop reading so much into things and just enjoy the moment for what it is. I think that's a great start. You'll be amongst other people. There won't be any pressure. Hopefully no arguing.'

Joel kept running Becca's words through his mind. Her nightmares and panic attacks came back. She said she slept on the couch because he woke up so early. Yet another thing she hid from him. He hated she couldn't talk to him about this stuff. Maybe she didn't trust him enough to do so. He couldn't blame himself for her actions. For the first time he wasn't the cause of a woman's distress.

Tony gave them the floor to talk about anything they wanted. They went over their lists over and over again , trying to understand what went wrong. They went a half hour over their scheduled session before Tony realized it. He made them promise to keep a journal of their interactions together so they could process them. He was holding them accountable which is what they needed.

Joel walked her to Betsy's shop. He took the rest of the day off to spend with Matty. It was his day. He planned to spend it wisely.

He looked up at the shop and frowned,'You should be a nurse not a seamstress.'

'I didn't get paid for either, but they're rewarding in different ways.' She shrugged,'I'm not saving lives, but I'm enriching them. I like spending time with Betsy. She's one of the few who still actually trusts me.'

'Join the club.' He snorted as he looked over her face,'I'll be at Maria's to pick ya up at seven.'

She nodded as she resisted the urge to run her hand through his long curls, just as she used to,'I'm looking forward to it.' She kissed Matty's chubby cheeks as she rubbed his back,'You talk to Ellie about sitting tonight?'

'She's all for it.' He nodded,'I told her it would only be a few hours anyway. I have a busy morning tomorrow and need to get up early.'

'What ever happened to taking things slow?' She sighed,'You need to rest. You've earned it.'

He clicked his tongue, deciding not to answer her. He didn't feel like explaining himself. At least not without Tony present anyway.

He surprised her by leaning down and kissing her on top of her head,'Have a good day. I'll see ya tonight.'

She kissed Matty again before he walked down the path towards the farm. She sighed to herself, remembering Tony's parting words to them before they left his apartment. A marriage is built on trust and understanding. In order for it to stand upright there needed to be a solid foundation that could withstand anything. They needed to rebuild what they've lost. Brick by brick.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Maria was sitting on the porch with Becca. They were watching their children play together on the blanket. They played with the wooden blocks Joel made for them and Ellie painted. When they put their two minds together they were quite a creative team.

The youngest Miller boys were like two peas in a pod. They were a year apart but already shared a close bond.

Becca felt shameful whenever she looked at Sebastian. Both of the young men favored their fathers' dark features. Along with their fierceness and loyalty. She only wished both of their fathers could watch them grow up to become extraordinary men.

Joel took on a fatherly role to Sebastian. As much an uncle could anyway. He never wanted to fill Tommy's shoes. They would speak in candor of his faults but also speak of his goodness. A man isn't measured by the mistakes they make. None of them were perfect. It would be Sebastian's decision of how he wanted to remember his father.

Maria nudged her shoulder against Becca's, snickering slightly,'Dating, huh?'

She took a sip of her lemonade and shrugged,'It's what the doctor ordered. He thinks it's best if we…start over. Now without anymore lingering threats. We can actually get to know one another. I feel like we jumped in headfirst without really getting to know each other on that level. We thought death was always around the corner, ya know? We didn't want to waste anymore time.'

Maria nodded and smiled sadly,'Miller boys are impatient.'

Once in awhile Becca would see Maria's defense wane. She would let down the fierce and brace exterior. She would smile wistfully, a somber look in her eyes. Becca recognized it all too well.

Grief.

Maria missed her husband. Despite everything she still loved him. She didn't regret killing him. She just regretted the man he became. She wouldn't fault her for anything. She envied her strength. She didn't look to replace Tommy. She chose to live independently. She wasn't looking for another man. When she wanted one, she would be ready. She was content on being a single mother who's become such an invaluable leader.

Becca aspired to be that kind of woman one day.

Becca sighed and rested her head on her shoulder, whispering,'I really love you. I've really cherished being here with you this week. I think Peter's right. I needed this. I needed to get reacquainted with myself again.'

Maria rested her chin on top of her head,'I think it's what Joel needs too. You've been hurting each other too much. Sometimes you don't see the value in something until it's gone.'

Becca didn't respond back, but she knew Maria wasn't just talking about her and Joel.

Maria saw him galloping up on his horse and smirked,'Speak of the devil.'

Becca looked up and saw Joel on his horse. His long curly hair was parted to the side. The wind making it look unruly. He wore a dark green flannel and jeans. She was glad he didn't gussy himself up. She didn't think watching a movie and eating in the canteen was fit for fancy dressing.

She decided on jeans and a flannel herself. They would come as they are. No more bullshit.

Becca felt her heart hammering in her chest. Maria said if she was still excited to see him then it was a good sign. She was always happy to see him. She just didn't appreciate him enough. She brought him down to make herself feel better. Refusing to admit she was also the problem. Barely a week into therapy and she was already seeing how big of an asshole she's been.

The absence does sometimes make the heart grow fonder.

Becca pulled herself up from the bench and ran into the house. She picked one of her daisies out of the vase and put walked back out onto the porch.

She placed the flower behind her back, smiling softly as she watched him holding their son. He gave her a tentative smile as he saw her hand behind her back,'I thought ya gave up guns?'

There it is. That Joel Miller she loved. She thought she knew the real him, but she merely peeled back the layers. He seemed fun.

She saw the honest to God smirk on his face. He was teasing her, but she could feel his guards up. As they should be.

She held out the flower in front of him and shrugged sheepishly,'No gun. Just a little wooing.'

His eyebrow arched up and he chuckled softly, Matty bouncing in his arms,'Shouldn't I be wooing you?'

She shrugged as she shared a smile with Maria,'It's twenty twenty four, Joel. A woman can woo too. I plan to woo the hell outta you.'

'Right.' He nodded as he looked her over, but didn't let his gaze linger for too long,'I'm a feminist. I dig it.' He tipped his head to her,'The by all means. Woo away.'

Maria watched the exchange forlornly. She missed this with Tommy. The playfulness and teasing. The easiness of it all before it all went to shit. She hoped Becca and Joel figured things out. They were trying like hell to make things work.

Becca walked over to Maria and frowned,'Are you sure you're okay with babysitting him? I can always ask Betsy. She loves spending time with him.'

Maria waved her hand in the air,'She gets him enough at the shop. I'm fine. They're easy together.' She averted her eyes between them, smiling knowingly,'You kids should go out and have fun.'

Joel snorted at that as he looked over his son. He hasn't been a kid in a long time. He thought being a father again at fifty six would make him feel old, but it was quite the opposite. Matty made him want to take care of himself. He ate right and took his medicine everyday. He attended therapy, worked out and maintained his body. He wanted to make sure he could spend as much time with Matty as possible and keep up with him.

He wasn't naive. He knew Matty would outlive him by decades. He may be lucky enough to see him get married. Would he even be able to enjoy it?

Joel shook his head, ridding himself of those thoughts. He wouldn't let doubts plague his mind. He needed to think about the good things in life. Just as his therapist taught him to do.

Maria brought Matty into her arms, shooing them off the porch. Joel tucked the flower she gave him in the front pocket of his flannel. A woman's never given him a flower before. She truly gave him a first, but he kept himself guarded. He couldn't allow himself to be easily taken in. Love doesn't mean you'll settle for less than what you deserve.

They decided to walk to the canteen. It wasn't a far walk from Maria's house. The cold weather was beginning to break as spring approached. It was always her favorite time of year.

Joel gave her his arm as she hooked her arm around his. It was friendly without being overly romantic. She truly never appreciated how much of a gentleman he could be. He always waited to sit down before she did. He always opened doors for her. Betsy called him rough around the edges but with a soft interior. Don't judge a book by its cover.

Becca looked up at him and smiled softly,'How was work today?'

'It was good.' He pointed over to a half finished building. All it needed was a roof,'The new apartments should be ready in a few weeks.'

She shook her head as she gently squeezed his arm,'That's amazing, Joel. Where do you find all the time to do this in between the farm?'

'I make time.' He shrugged,'I enjoy helping people rather than steal from them like I used to.'

She shook her head and frowned,'You don't owe anyone anything.'

'I don't.' He gave her a small smile, looking up at the building he made with his bare hands,'They've helped me far more than they realize.'

Becca understood what his words meant. He liked helping people. He spent a majority of his life hurting and taking from people. He wanted the remainder of his life to mean something. A legacy for their children to be proud of.

The canteen was packed with families and they decided to bring their trays out to a picnic bench. The streetlights flickered on as the sunset. A peacefulness settled over the town as everyone ended their days and wound down.

Becca propped her head on her hand as she looked him over,'What's your favorite color?'

He laughed and scratched his mustache,'My favorite color? That's all ya got?'

'I just realized I've never asked that.' She shrugged,'Everyone's got one. What's yours?'

Joel narrowed his eyes as he cocked his head thoughtfully,'Purple.' He shrugged,'Always liked the color.' He cleared his throat,'Specially on women.' He averted his eyes downward, whispering,'Yours is yellow.'

He was silent a moment, not wanting to get ahead of himself. He remembered Tony's words about boundaries. They needed to have them. They couldn't rush into things like they did before.

Becca's eyes widened as she swallowed the lump in her throat. She never told him her favorite color before. He was always very observant of people. Especially about the ones he cared about.

She smiled softly and nodded,'Purple. You're gonna so many purple sweaters knitted for you. I can't wait to make them.'

He took a long sip of his water and smirked behind his cup,'I'm more of a mittens kinda guy.'

She laughed at his joke, imagining him in mittens. She would make him some. Just to see it for herself. Hopefully by next winter they were at least going steady.

She was right about one thing though. He was really fun.

He cleared his throat as his eyes quickly looked over her face,'Ya look pretty tonight. People probably think we planned the flannel outfits.'

She laughed and rolled her eyes,'Coordinate outfits on date night. That's more a married thing to do. This is our first date.' She took a deep breath,'You look handsome tonight too. Don't listen to Betsy. You don't need a haircut.'

'She said it's more for Matty to tug.' He snorted,'I think I'm too lazy to cut it.'

'It makes you look cool. Just like a true blue cowboy.'

He snorted at that and crossed his arms over his chest,'Sweating like one of my pigs is more like it.'

They finished dinner and headed to the town hall for the movie. It was a Friday night and the town hall had people, but it wasn't completely packed. They took a seat in the back, feeling at ease but aware of the gossiping old ladies.

Joel nodded towards the older women huddled together, and whispering,'Ya think this will be in tomorrow morning's or Sundays gazette?'

She smirked as she crossed her arms over her chest, whispering back,'Six AM edition for sure. '

His eyes widened dramatically and he placed his hand over his heart,'But they'll miss church.'

Becca gasped behind her mouth,'The horror.' She shrugged,'They'll get bored of us I'm sure.'

Joel rolled his eyes and laughed,'We're never boring.'

She sighed wistfully and shook her head,'Ain't that the truth.'

The movie started and people milling about the room quickly gathered to their seats. In the middle of the movie Joel placed his arm on the back of her chair. She leaned into it, but wanted to respect his boundaries. She placed her hands in her lap as they watched the rest of the movie.

It was about ten when the movie ended. She hooked her arm in Joel's as they walked back to Maria's house. It was a beautiful night. Not a cloud in sight. The stars shone brightly. It was a beautiful night to be alive.

Becca looked up at him and smiled softly,'I had a really great time tonight. Thanks for hanging out with me.'

'Anytime.'

One simple word meant everything to her. He meant it. They would put in the work because it was worth it.

'I still think she shoulda ended up with Duckie though.' He smirked,'I remember actually going to see the movie when it came out in theaters.

She ignored the self deprecating part of his sentence,'I think he should have too. He loved her and saw her when no one else did.'

Joel stared down at her and sighed. He knew the words, but he wasn't ready to say them again. Not yet anyway.

He surprised her by kissing the top of her head, and whispering,'I had fun tonight too.'

He walked her up to the porch, thankful Maria left the light on for them.

Becca cleared her throat softly and nervously tucked her hair behind her ear,'I'll have Matty ready for you tomorrow morning. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.'

'How's that going by the way?' He gave her a small smile,'Pete helping ya any?'

'Yeah.' She nodded,'So far so good. I'll see you this Sunday with Tony?

He nodded without hesitation,'Nine in the morning. I'll be there. El's gonna watch our boy.'

An awkward silence fell over them. They were at the stage of not knowing how to say goodbye. They've been intimate many times, but sex is one thing. This was…everything. It was too fragile. Too new.

She cupped his cheek and kissed the other one,'Same time this Tuesday?'

She stepped away from him as he pursed his lips,'I'll pick the venue next time. They were too boring for us.' He stepped off the porch as he winked back at her,'Get in before ya break curfew.'

She laughed at that as he untied his horse form the post and hopped on it. He waited until she got inside safely and departed back to the farm. Ellie was probably sitting on the porch like an anxious mama wanting a full report.

First date went better than he expected. Tony would be smug.