Chapter 84: Right back to where we started…

'Love us like a virus. It can happen to anybody at anytime.'

-Maya Angelou

It was mid morning when Becca arrived at the their scheduled marriage counseling session. They were only into their second week and slowly began to chip away at their issues. Tony said they needed to tackle them one by one. She discovered there was so much they needed to learn about each other.

She smiled when she saw Joel standing outside of Tony's building. He was very prompt and punctual. She respected that about him. He was a man of his word.

He took off his cowboy hat when he saw her approaching, ever the gentleman. He had a smile for her too. The one that always made her heart skip a beat. She think they deserved this. The opportunity to really get to know each other. They had a second date planned for this Friday and she was excited. Without the threat of looming danger. He was a lot of fun.

She leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek,'Good morning. Matty give you any trouble this morning?'

'None at all.' He quickly kissed the top of her head affectionately,'Good morning. I just dropped him off with Betsy.'

'Thank you.' She gave his arm a gentle squeeze,'I'm gonna be helping her at the shop after this so it works out.'

He looked over her face and frowned,'Ya don't miss nursing?'

She shook her head and sighed,'I did in the beginning. Peter keeps begging me to come back and while I enjoyed it. I don't think that's the place for me right now…or ever to be honest.' She shrugged,'I've had enough of blood and death to last a lifetime. I enjoy working at Betsy's shop. I can stitch, knit and sew. I'm not the best seamstress, but I'm learning from the best.'

Joel curtly nodded as he placed his hat on top of his horse's saddle,'Good. You should do something that makes ya happy.'

She smiled softly at that, knowing he meant it,'We should get inside before we're late for class.'

He snorted at that as he opened the door to Tony's building, following her inside.

Tony was always happy to see them as they sat down on his couch. He didn't give them any homework the previous session. Only giving them one cardinal rule. They only discuss their issues in therapy. Either alone or with each other.

Tony sighed as he opened up his notebook,'I would like to continue on with the previous discussion.'

Becca and Joel quickly looked one at one another warily.

Sarah. She had come up in the previous session. It was always a sensitive topic for Joel. She couldn't imagine what it was like for him to bury his children. To watch them both die in front of your eyes. Helpless without being able to do nothing but grieve them. She couldn't bear the thought of witnessing that happened to Ellie or Mattie.

It was a fate worse than death.

Joel leaned back against the couch, stretching his long legs out in front of him as he sighed deeply,'I still think about her everyday.'

He stared down at the watch she repaired for him as a birthday gift. The night she died. It was the night everything in his life went to shit.

He ran a hand through his long curly hair as he gritted his teeth, whispering,'She would be almost thirty two now.' He looked over at Becca,'Not that far off from your age.'

She shook her head and sighed,'I'm not your daughter, Joel. I'm the mother of your child.'

Tony leaned forward to interject,'Do you think that's why you feel so overprotected by Joel?'

'I feel like he treats me like another child.' She frowned,'We had to keep our engagement a secret. We couldn't even tell anyone we got married or I was pregnant, which caused a lot of unwanted confusion.'

Joel looked over at him and resisted the urge to roll his eyes,'You hold too many goddamned grudges, Bec. I don't treat ya like a child. I treat ya like someone I…love. I ain't had a good track record of protecting to ones I love. I don't wanna lose anymore.' He sighed,'I wasn't a good husband to Esther. I…drank too much. I partied and ran around. The only reason I Esther left me was to…make me realize…'

He closed his eyes. It sounded stupid in his head, but he needed to be honest in this moment. He didn't plan on fucking up another marriage.

Becca and Tony remained focused on him as he continued,'When Esther left me with Sarah. I really thought about giving her up for adoption. I was just a goddamned kid. Me and Tommy couldn't raise a kid. I almost took her to a place I found, but I couldn't do it. It burned me up thinking of someone else taking care of my baby. So I manned up and became a father. A single father. I missed a lot of birthdays and made a lot of mistakes, but when I lost her I swore to myself that…' He took a moment as he swallowed the lump in his throat,'If by some chance I was given another chance. I would make things right. Then with Charlie…I don't want Matty to ever feel like he's missing out on anything. Having a mother and father that really love him. El, I always want to make sure she feels accepted.'

Becca couldn't help but lean over and take his hand in hers as tears filled her eyes. He's never been so open and vulnerable. Even when she thought he was his truest self with her. He kept a lot of these fears to himself. He thought his feelings were a burden to her.

'I'm sorry that you felt like you couldn't talk to me about these things, Joel.' She squeezed his hand comfortingly. More than a friend, but so much more than a lover,'You do protect our children. I don't ever feel afraid to leave Matty or El at the farm alone with you. I know they're as protected as two people in the world can be.'

He nodded as he blinked away tears, whispering,'Thank you.'

Tony was jotting down notes while intently listening to their conversation. He stared long and hard at Rebecca,'Did you have kids before the outbreak?'

'No.' She shook her head,'I married my first husband when I was nineteen and still in nursing school. We were…trying.' She averted her eyes down in her lap, 'He thought we were anyway. I was still taking my birth control. He pushed back against me wanting to be a nurse. He came from money and expected a wife to sit home and take care of the kids. I…never thought I ever wanted kids.'

Joel's eyes widened in surprise. She never revealed that to him. He knew this is what therapy's about. You could feel comfortable being open and honest.

Tony seemed to share the same intrigue and crossed his arms over his chest,'You said you were married twice before. Without any children. What changed your mind with Joel?'

'When I got to know him and…fall in love with him I realized the reason why I didn't want to have kids with Ben and David is because they weren't him.' She quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks, 'It was very specific to Joel. I knew it was supposed to be him. Biological or otherwise.'

Joel smiled tearfully at that, knowing she was referring to Ellie.

Joel realized she was still holding his hand and he squeezed it gently. Above all else she was still his best friends. Even if they didn't come out of this as anything more than friends. He would be content with that. He knew she would be too:

'I don't know why I make you feel like shit to make myself feel better.' She took her hand out of his and sighed,'You've been through so much shit.'

'We both have.' He shrugged,'Sometimes I think you stay with me to punish me for sending ya away.'

'Not punish.' She shook her head and sighed, whispering,'I resented. I think that's why I lashed out.'

Tony quickly jotted down some notes and placed his pen on the notepad,'Do you two trust each other?'

They both nodded and simultaneously answered without hesitation,'Yes.'

Tony bit back a laugh. He's seen people married for decades who had trouble answering that. They could salvage this. They needed to get over their damn egos.

'Okay.' Tony folded his hands behind his head,'Trust is very important in a marriage. without it, it can be really difficult to connect and rebuild intimacy.'

Tony's words rung true for them. They haven't slept together in almost two months. Their lack of communication put a wedge between them. They trusted each other. They just didn't trust themselves.

Tony looked up at the clock and his eyes widened. They only had a few minutes left before his next session. These two kept him riveted. An old man hasn't seen this much to work with in a long time. He respected them. They seemed like such prideful people to accept help like this. They really seemed to want this to work. They were so earnest about it.

'I'm going to give you some homework. I want you to write down five words you associate with each other.' He shrugged,'They could be anything. Whatever comes to mind when you think of each other.'

Joel and Becca looked over at each other warily. They knew what he was leading into. Do they satisfy each other? What are they holding back?

They left the session with a sense of purpose. They were determined to make this work. When they decided on making things official between them; they truly did love each other. They still do. They just had some things they needed to sort through first.

A trial separation. Not permanent. Fixable.

They took a deep breath of fresh mountain air. Joel held his arm out and jerked his head towards the end of the small block,'Can I walk ya to work?'

She smirked and hooked her arm in his,'Sure can, cowboy.'

He leaned back and placed his hat over his head. She looked up at him and saw a lightness about him. He seemed relaxed, like he was releasing a weight off his shoulders that's been there for years. She could feel the same about herself.

Ellie was growing into a fine young adult. She took a keen interest in mechanics. She was better than the boys. She worked with Am making cool gadgets. She was still interested in her art. A lot of her paintings and drawings were scattered about town inside newly built buildings.

Ellie still had a lot of questions about her past, but she recently started therapy to cope with her grief of losing Lizzie and Riley. She still had questions about her father. They weren't naive. There very well could be outliers. Remnants of her grandfathers followers. Fireflies, scientists and Raiders. You name it.

Even without zombies there wasn't a world without danger. It was time to finish the war that raged in themselves. They needed to finally heal.

Becca smiled up at Joel and squinted her eyes in the sun,'I thought I was supposed to be wooing you?'

'It's twenty twenty four, ya know.' He smirked,'Wooing can go both ways.'

She laughed softly and playfully squeezed his arm,'Then I guess you can decide our second date.'

He took a moment to consider it,'I can cook you dinner and we can eat it in the park. The weather's breaking. You're a hippy and love nature anyway.'

'You're a hell of a farmer, Joel Miller. You're an honest to God sheep whisperer.'

She was teasing him, but he knew she meant it. He's gotten pretty good at it over the years. Tending to the farm kept him calm. It gave him a regime that made his body fit to be a father. His body was strong and capable. He didn't feel like a machine anymore.

'Thank you, Joel.' She nodded,'For trusting me.'

She didn't elaborate and he wouldn't ask. Sometimes things are best left unsaid.

Betsy came out of the shop with Matty in her arms. The baby brightened when he saw his parents.

Matty squealed as Joel let Becca hold him. He's realized with therapy on his own is that he's too overprotective of his children. He needed to give Becca space to be a mother. Their children needed that.

Betsy walked over to Joel and gave him a hug, whispering to him in Spanish,'You okay?'

He nodded and kissed the top of her head, whispering back in their native tongue,'I will be.'

Betsy knew this wasn't her business and left it alone. They needed to work things out for themselves. They would figure things out either way. Love doesn't always conquer all.

Joel walked over to Matty and kissed the top of his head, stroking his cheek,'Be good for mama today, kiddo.'

Matty babbled and Joel nodded,'Yeah yeah.' He looked over Becca's face and stroked her jaw lightly, whispering,'Would ya be offended if I came and said good evening before heading to the farm?'

She bit back a smirk and shook her head. He would always make sure to walk by Maria's porch every night to say goodnight to her. The first couple times she thought he did it by accident, but after four times she knew it was on purpose.

Becca would drink her tea, waiting for him to ride along on his horse out of town. He would bid her a good night. Maria would tease her. He would never approach her, but he wanted to see her. Just because they were living apart didn't mean they couldn't say good night.

'I would be offended if ya didn't.'

She would play along. Just to see that smile on his face. Good nights. Good days.

(I was thinking of how to add Abby to the story. I'm not killing Joel off. He didn't deserve that. I'm wondering if she's worth redemption tho??? )