Chapter 85: Are we out of the woods?

'We are never out of the woods, because we are always going to be fighting for something.'

-Taylor Swift

Becca was both apprehensive and excited to share the words to describe her husband. She still considered him her husband. Even though they lived in separate households for the time being. She knew he was it for her.

Her infinite. She thought it was a myth. She didn't want to lose him.

He met outside just as he always did. With a smile and a wave. She often cherished these moments. However fleeting they may be between. She's learned to appreciate the little things.

Joel surprised her by squeezing her hand affectionately. He was wearing his black framed reading glasses. Maybe Ellie finally convinced him to start wearing his glasses outside the house. He needed them to read. Especially for his line of work.

He noticed her staring up at him and shook his head,'What? Do I have something on my face?'

'Yeah.' She nodded and smirked, pointing to his glasses,'I like them. They make ya look handsome. Not that ya needed them to be good looking, but ya know.'

A broad smile lit up his face and she's realized that men needed validation every once and awhile as well. They needed to learn to feel appreciated. She's learned throughout her own therapy she's become selfish of other people's feelings.

He took a deep breath and opened the front door,'We don't wanna be late.'

She saw that flicker in his eye, but he still had his guard up. He was afraid of getting his feelings hurt again.

She knocked on Tony's door as he greeted them expectantly. They recalled their previous discussion before he made them take out their 'homework'.

Becca unfolded her piece of paper and cleared her throat,'I'll go first.' Her hands were shaking slightly as she stared down at the piece of paper,'You told me to write five words to describe Joel.' She shook her head,'I could think of more than five right off the bat.'

She looked over at him and gave him a small smile,'I managed to come up with the five most important.' She looked down at the piece of paper,'They're supportive, patient, romantic, brave and…the most important…a blessing.'

Joel gripped his knees, his glasses sliding down his nose,'Are you attracted to me?'

Becca's eyes widened and she frowned,'I didn't think that's what the assignment was about. But I am. I'm still attracted to you. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't.'

He looked over at Tony warily, feeling slightly uncomfortable for discussing this in front of him, but this is what marriage counseling is about,'We didn't have sex after we came back from Arrowhead. Almost a whole entire year, Bec. Every time I tried you weren't interested. I thought ya regretted marrying me.'

Tony folded his hands in his lap,'Is that the truth, Rebecca?'

'No.' She shook her head and frowned,'Absolutely not. I was just…going through postpartum depression. After everything settled down. I started to realize all the crazy shit that happened. I felt so guilty about bringing Matty into this kind of world. I thought I was being selfish. I was afraid of that happening again.'

Joel frowned as he kept his head down,'You were afraid to have another baby with me?'

'I had so much other shit going through my head.'

'Bullshit.' Joel seethed as he turned to face her,'I was grieving too. We coulda supported each other. I lost Tommy. My only blood left. My only sibling. Ya don't think I needed ya for that? Ya never talk to me about anything, but get mad whenever I don't wanna blabber. It's a two way street, darlin.'

Becca sighed and shook her head,'I talk to you, but sometimes I feel like I can't anymore. I walk on eggshells with certain topics either you. I don't wanna compete with my husband.' She took a deep breath to calm herself,'So to answer your original question. I want you all the time. That'll never change.'

Tony decided to interject as he slid his chair closer to them,'How was your sex life before Matty?'

Becca and Joel both stared at each other. They didn't know who he was directing the question to. Maybe he was referring to the both of them.

Joel leaned back against the couch and stared at Tony boldly,'We couldn't keep our hands off each other.'

Becca felt her cheeks flush and nodded slowly,'We…used to always find reasons to sneak off and be alone together. It was fun.'

'Sex and intimacy are two different things.' Tony shrugged,'Have you both ever talked about things that satisfy you? Maybe talk about desires, preferences, things you both like and expect from a partner. Talk about these things. Physical attraction is what piques our interests, but we can get that from anybody. Make intimacy fun. Flirt, communicate and be open and honest with each other.'

Joel's eyes widened as he stared at Becca,'Like now?'

Tony chuckled and shook his head,'I'm not that kind of therapist. I'm saying to bring excitement into intimacy. I think you jumped full steam ahead without really getting to know what really sparks inside of you. Have fun. Be spontaneous with each other, but don't jump into everything at once.'

They understood what he meant. Don't immediately jump back into sex and getting each other off. They could flirt and actually get to know one another. She wanted to know what made Joel really tick. She wanted to show him that side of herself too. The side she didn't get to show anybody else before.

Tony smiled as he nodded at the piece of paper in Joel's lap,'Give us yours.'

Joel sighed as he unfolded his piece of paper. He took a moment before reading off the words,'loving, sensual, caring, brave and…irreplaceable.'

Tears filled her eyes as the last word. She's forgotten how romantic he could be. People didn't see past his rough exterior, but he really had a gentle and loving heart. She didn't want to change that about him.

She leaned over and squeezed his arm gently, whispering,'You're irreplaceable to me too, Joel.'

The emotional back and forth took their toll on them, but they were learning a lot about each other. Hopefully, the more they dated and spent time alone they could talk more openly about the things they truly wanted. Physically and emotionally.

They didn't want to spend anymore time beating each other up.

They delved deeper into which each word meant to each other. The reasoning was slowly beginning to unravel. Joel lost a lot of people too. She needed to support him more.

It was still early when their session finished. Tony let them leave a little early. It had been an emotional session. He knew they were also managing their solo therapy sessions and didn't want to overstimulate them.

Becca placed her own cowboy hat on her head, shielding herself from the sun. She couldn't help but notice Joel placed his hand on Becca's lower back, whispering,'Do you have any plans right now?'

Her eyes widened and she shook her head,'No…why do you ask?'

'Do ya trust me?' Joel smiled,'I promise it's something very…G rated.'

She laughed and shook her head,'Well in that case.'

Joel surprised her by taking her hand and leading her over to the memorial park they were creating. They decided to move the new town hall to a new location. They tore down the old structure and decided on building a memorial park and garden. Joel helped with the construction, of course. Ellie was working on the mural.

He pointed up to the half painted mural Ellie was creating,'She's almost finished.'

She had a few friends helping her, but the design was all her own. She was making herself a home here. As she should. After everything she's endured. She deserved to live the rest of her life in peace and…normalcy.

The mural wasn't anything maudlin. That wasn't Ellie's style. It was…campy yet respectful. Jackson wasn't perfect. The town was full of bigots, but they respected each other. Those who didn't like it could leave.

Joel clicked his tongue,'There's only one thing missing.'

'Yeah?' She arched her eyebrow questioningly,'What's that?'

'A garden.' He nodded and placed his hands on his hips,'This masterpiece deserves a beautiful garden. I've made sure to keep your garden growing. I know it's about to get exciting this time of year.' He gave her a small smile,'For you anyway. I just make sure they have water.'

'Thank you.' She sighed and looked at the rich soil and mulch already laid out. No doubt Joel brought it here. He was extending an olive branch to her,'Wanting to get the old back back together again?'

He laughed at that and smiled wryly,'Something like that.' He took a deep breath and looked over her face,'So you'll do it?'

'Yeah.' She nodded and smiled softly,'Of course I will. I'll get to spend some more time with Ellie. That girl is hard to pin down anymore.'

Joel nodded as he scratched at his mustache,'Okay…you can start whenever ya want.' He shrugged,'Don't know if it's even warm enough, but some of yours at the farm are growing already.'

She loved knowing apart of herself was still at the farm. He was neutering and taking care of them for her for when she returned. It could be weeks, or months, but she would get back home eventually.

'I can start planting some seeds this weekend. I work with Betsy at the shop during the day. It's easy to watch Matty and he doesn't fuss much anyway.'

He nodded and wiped the sweat off his brow before placing his hat back on his head,'I'll have Matty for the weekend. I know you have something fun planned for Maria's birthday. Get her drunk. She deserves to let loose. You too.'

'I'm too uptight sometimes.' She shrugged,'I'm looking forward to it. It's gonna be fun. It's her first birthday without-'

Joel noticed her hesitation and chuckled,'It's okay. You can say his name. It's her first birthday without Tommy.' He sighed shakily, whispering,'Ya can say his name. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to. It still fucks me to shit thinking about it but it's the only way he could be stopped.'

'We should still honor him though.' Becca nodded determinedly,'For all the bad. He did a lot of good for this town as well. He was your brother. We should honor him. I'm gonna place a stone in the garden for him. We can grow carnations in his honor. To honor your Christian upbringing.'

Joel's face was stoic, but she could feel the appreciation in his gaze,'I visit his grave often.' His admission surprised her,'I don't hate him for what he done. I forgave him for what he did. I hope Maria doesn't blame herself everyday, but it's what Tommy would've wanted. Way back before all this shit? He woulda hated the man he became. He in and out of jail. Anarchy and all that. He was real wild one back in the day.' He sighed and shook his head,'I don't wanna leave here holding grudges. I love him. That'll never change.'

'It shouldn't.' She shrugged,'You should visit him and talk to him. You came all this way for him. He did help this town. He was a good father. You grieve him and remember him however you want to.'

Joel was silently for a moment and took a deep breath,'You wanna come with me sometime? Only me and Maria visit. El came with me sometimes.'

Her eyes widened and she nodded,'I would like that very much. How come ya never asked me that before?'

'Ya never asked.' He said simply as he shrugged.

She's come to understand Joel is a literal man. He doesn't pretend to read a woman's mind or understand her emotions. Just talk to him:

She wanted to rectify that and crossed her arms over her chest,'When's the next time you're going?'

'At dusk this evening.' He curtly nodded,'Ya like to take an evening ride before bed anyway. It helps wind ya down.'

Joel was full of surprises. He was very perceptive. He paid more attention than most people give him credit for.

'Meet me by the library. I have a therapy session at three.' She gave his arm a gentle squeeze and looked up at him, smiling softly,'Thank you. For everything. For giving us. Me. Another chance.'

She walked away before he could respond. He stared at her as she walked away and shook his head.

Irreplaceable. Betsy called them irrefutable and stubborn.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

As sure as the sun rose and set every day, she met Joel at the same spot they agreed upon. She's noticed a lightheartedness about him lately. He seemed to enjoy himself for the hell of it. He smiled a lot more lately. She wondered if it was because they were living apart. She didn't like to dwell upon that too much.

He had a smile on his face as soon as he saw her. One that matched her own. They were excited to see each other. Tony said they needed this time apart to appreciate what they were missing.

He looked down as the bouquet of carnations she had in her hand and a basket of what appeared to be banana nut muffins. His favorite of hers. He missed the smell of her baking throughout the house. He missed a lot of things about her.

She held up the basket and handed them to him,'These are for you.' She smiled sadly as she held up the bouquet of flowers,'These are for your brother.'

He took the basket from her and tucked them neatly atop his saddle,'Thank ya kindly, sweetheart.'

He looked her over, noticing an easiness about her. She stood proudly and held her head up high. She seemed to be sleeping better. He knew she was doing therapy on her own as well. She's only been at it for a couple weeks, but she's become more self aware of people's feelings. Especially his own.

She looked beautiful tonight. She always did, but especially so tonight. It was in the way she carried herself. She wanted to support him. Even if it meant putting flowers on the grave of a man who wanted her dead.

She wasn't doing it for Tommy. She was doing it for Maria. For him.

Joel gave her his arm and shrugged,'I figured we could walk there. It's a warm enough night.'

He couldn't help but steal a few glances at her. She had a smile on her face as she looked up at the sky.

He cleared his throat and gently nudged his shoulder with hers,'What ya thinking about?'

His question surprised her. Maybe it's because he's never asked that before. He said she never talked about her past. He never asked either.

'Despite everything that's happened I'm glad we came here.' She nodded and smiled softly,'Being here reminds me of growing up on my farm. My daddy ran a cattle ranch he inherited from his mama's family. He made a considerable amount of money doing that. I wasn't ever a debutante though. You always tease me about that.' She looked up at him and smirked,'I did equestrian though, competitive horse jumping. I was still competing when the outbreak happened.'

Joel's eyes widened at her admission. That isn't something she's ever told him. He could picture her doing that. She had a lean, but athletic body. He remembered how flexible her body had been when they…

He shook his mind of those thoughts. He couldn't let lust cloud his judgment. His body was for more than that, but he was still a man. Lust ran rampant as he thought about all the new ways he could learn her body.

She narrowed her eyes at the far away look in his eyes,'What are you thinking about?'

'Just imagining ya jumping fences and shit.' He snorted,'It explains your weird obsession either with horses.'

'You're fond of them too.' She shrugged,'Animals are easy to love.'

Joel scoffed and shook his head,'Not like people, huh?'

Becca thought about hud question for a moment. It was a loaded question. There wasn't a right or wrong answer.

'I don't think anything that's worth it is supposed to be easy, Joel.'

He let out a slight huff at her words. There wasn't anything else that needed to be said.

They spent the rest of the walk in comfortable silence. It wasn't awkward, but content. This is how two people get to know each other. Not by fighting all the time.

They arrived as the small makeshift grave made for Tommy. Only a select few know where he's buried. The rest of the council was burned after their hanging. Their remains had been thrown out of Jackson off a cliff. Never to return again.

Becca didn't want any remnants of her grandfather. She wanted him dead and gone forever. She never wanted to mention his name ever again.

They didn't think Tommy deserved that. Joel and Maria decided to bury his ashes by Maria's house down by the lake. His grave was underneath a tree. The same one Tommy proposed to Maria under. Joel made him a beautiful wooden plaque.

The grave was obviously well preserved and maintained. She knew Maria brought Sebastian down here. Sometimes Joel would go along with them. She never thought it was her place. She never stopped to think maybe her husband and best friend needed support.

She knelt down next to him as Joel whispered something in Spanish to him. She was getting better at it, but nowhere as fluent as him. She didn't dare intrude on his moment with his brother. She just knelt in the dirt right along with him.

After he was finished, she placed the flowers on his grave. She didn't say anything. She didn't have anything to say.

Joel looked over at her and took off his glasses, sniffing softly,'Thank you for coming here with me. I know you weren't his biggest fan.'

'I didn't really know him.' She took his hand in hers and gently squeezed it,'I don't blame him for what he did. He was brainwashed.'

'He was different before all this.' He sighed as he ran his hand over his name engraved in the wood. He carved it himself late into the night.

He channeled his grief into something productive rather than drinking and getting high. He was sober as ever and clear headed. He saw things for what they really are.

'What was he like?' Becca smirked,'He a ladykiller like you?'

'I wasn't as good as ya think.' He whispered admittedly,'Before all this, I ain't really.' He scratched the back of his neck,'I was too busy working and taking care of Sarah. I barely had time for her let alone women. I mean, here and there. Tommy was the one racking em up. You woulda fell for him for sure.'

She saw the tears in his eyes and squeezed his hand again,'It's alright to grieve him. I know you love him, Joel.'

'I came all the way here for him. I called for him on the radio every single day. I went to this fucking old man who had connections across the country with two way radios, like truckers and shit. I sat in that goddamned QZ in Boston with Tess for him and the whole time he was here living like a king.' He shook his head sadly,'I ain't even angry about it anymore. I feel sorry for him. All this time he coulda been happy with his family.'

Becca looked up at the sky. The sun was setting and the sky was a dark pink. A chill was beginning to develop in the air. She was glad she wore her sweater.

He began to stand up and placed his hand on her lower back, doing it without thought.

He cleared his throat and leaned back from her as she smoothed her dress down,'We should head back before supper. Ellie spending the night with you and Maria, I heard. It's gonna be a girls night. I'm excited to spend some guy time with Matty.'

She looked up at him and smiled softly,'He behaving himself? He's into a biting phase.'

'I've noticed that.' He frowned,'He's teething. Sarah did it while she was teething too.'

She took his hand and laced their fingers together as they began walking back to Maria's house,'He's been keeping me up. Is he giving you any trouble?'

'I'm okay.' He nodded,'It comes with the territory.' He looked up at the sky and sighed,'We still on for our date this Friday?'

'Sure are.' She nodded and smiled softly,'I'm excited.'

'Me too.'

He didn't say much on the walk back to Maria's and she didn't press him. She was respecting his boundaries. She wouldn't force anything out of him.

They reached Maria's front porch and they turned to face each other.

Joel shoved the front of his boot in the gravel and pursed his lips,'Thanks for coming with me tonight. It meant a lot to have someone there.'

'I'm sorry I never asked.' She leaned up and patted his cheek affectionately,'I'll always make sure to ask. You deserve to feel supported too. I want to tell you more about me.'

He clicked his tongue as he looked over her face,'Oh really? More of your equestrian escapades?'

She smirked as she backed away from him. She was enjoying this playful and teasing banter with her, knowing neither wasn't getting anything out of it.

'Good things come to those who wait.' She smiled up at him brightly,'Thank you for the walk home. Enjoy your dude night. Give Matty my love.'

'I will.' He nodded,'Goodnight, Bec.'

He usually said it on his horse as he rode back home and it was later in the evening. She realized he was coming back from visiting Tommy's grave every night. She was happenstance. The origin of their union.

He looked as if he were about to say something else to her, but he just walked her up to the porch. Like the gentleman he is.

She looked up at him, seeing the wariness in his eyes,'Thank you for walking me home.'

Joel saw her wedding band gleaming in the moonlight. She still wore hers. Just as he wore his own. A trial separation doesn't change that. They weren't ashamed of one another.

He bent down and wrapped her in a hug. He squeezed her so tightly it almost knocked the breath out of her. She wrapped her arms around his waist just as tightly, letting him know she was there for him.

He kissed her forehead, whispering,'I'll see ya bright and early for another therapy session.'

She chuckled softly as she blinked away tears, whispering,'I'll be there.'

They let go of each other before it could become or mean too much. The attraction was strong, but they couldn't fall into her habits. Ellie and Maria were waiting on her anyway.

Joel made sure she got inside before he departed back to the farm to relieve her of babysitting duties.

Tony suggested they think about the idea of dating other people. He didn't want to make the decision for them. He wanted them to think about what they would feel like to see their partner with someone else.

It would ha a rough topic for them. Mainly because harsh truths would come to light.