Chapter 89: All these things that I've done…
'At your absolute best, you still won't be good enough for the wrong person. At your worst, you still be worth it to the right person.'
-Karen Salmansohn
Author Notes: I've been reading a lot of reviews about how Becca and Joel are horrible people. They gaslight and manipulate each other. I never wanted my characters to be perfect people. Maybe they deserve to be together. Maybe they don't, but their marriage counseling and everything is supposed to show growth. They're finally admitting things aren't working.
This story was always made to have a second act. It's gonna have more action and other dangers lurk ahead.
I did bring Abby into the mix after all
I hope everyone is enjoying the second day act. I've really missed this story and its characters. I'm happy enough to be well again to write!! Thanks for love, guys.
Enjoy the show!
Becca and Joel sat on the couch across from Tony. They had a lot to discuss today. While things were going good between them, they've hit a bit of a rough patch. They got into a heated argument the other day. It wasn't anything majorly serious, but it affected them enough that they should talk about it.
Tony sighed as he averted his eyes between them, noticing the tension in the air,'So, how have things been?'
Becca looked up at Joel and sighed, wondering who was going to speak first. She decided she mine as well. They would never get through this if they weren't honest with each other.
She shook her head and sighed,'We got into a fight yesterday.'
Tony nodded as he opened up his notepad, knowing he was going to need it,'What was the fight about?'
Joel crossed his arms over his chest and frowned,'The fight started because she got mad that I went over to some other woman's house.'
'I wasn't mad about that.' She turned to Tony and sighed,'I was mad about the fact that we had a date and didn't show up. I come to find out he was at Shelley's house until almost two in the morning.'
'I was fixing her goddamned pipes in the basement.' He rolled his eyes,'I didn't hide anything. I came to you and told you the truth, but you didn't believe me. Ya always expect the worse outta me.'
Tears filled her eyes and she nervously tapped on her foot on the floor. She felt her anger bubbling to the surface. She wanted to explode at him, but she knew it wouldn't be productive to the conversation.
Tony frowned as he averted his eyes between them, mainly focusing on Becca,'Do you feel like you can't trust him?'
'Sometimes.' She whispered admittedly,'Ever since you suggested we start dating other people. I figured that's what may happen.'
'Give me some credit at least.' Joel snorted,'I don't do things half assed. I had every intentions on making our date. I didn't expect to be there that long. I planned to make the date up too, but ya were too busy ranting and raving I never got the chance.'
She closed her eyes and sighed. She erupted at him yesterday. He bit right back. It felt like they were back at square one, but they refused to throw out all their hard work over a little fight.
Tony was silent a moment as he gathered his thoughts. He shook his head as he jotted down some notes,'It sounds like the monster of trust is creeping back up again. Did you think Joel was sleeping with someone else? Even though in our last session he was very transparent on not wanting to do that.'
Joel sighed as his shoulders slumped defeatedly,'She knows what I want. She just hears what she wants.'
'Hear what I want?' Her eyes widened incredulously,'I listen to you. Forgive me if I felt a certain way about you blowing off our date. If you told me beforehand I would've understood. Instead, you left me waiting with a cooked dinner and you never showed up.' She shrugged,'How was I supposed to feel? Think about if you were in my place? I'm not always the bad guy. I know I've said and done some fucked up shit, but so have you. We wouldn't be here right now if we were both weren't at fault.'
Joel took a deep break to calm himself down. He sighed shakily and ran a hand through his hair. She could turn him so much, but also get him so angry.
Tony held up his hands and frowned,'I think we both need to calm down and actually get to the root of the problem. Trust issues seem to be a big problem between you two. Joel, you need to see things from Becca's perspective. She deserved an explanation last night. Becca, you should also understand that he did what he could to make it right. You need to listen to each other. This is why you're always fighting instead of talking things out like mature adults.'
Joel and Becca looked over at each other sheepishly. They felt as if they were being scolded by a principal. In a way, it's like they were. They shouldn't have fought like that yesterday. They didn't even apologize. She slammed the door on him and he went home. They didn't resolve anything.
'You're falling into old habits.' Tony leaned closer to them,'How did fighting make you feel?'
'Like shit.' Becca looked up at Joel and sighed,'I don't like to fight with you. I'm really sorry that I doubted you. I really am.'
Joel was silent a moment as he gathered his thoughts. She's apologized before and he knew she would do it again. They both had a habit of breaking promises they made to each other.
'We shouldn't make promises we can't keep.' He shrugged,'I'm just tired of fighting. I didn't like walking away like that. Fighting and living apart makes it worse because we'll just end resenting and avoiding each other. I don't wanna keep doing this.'
'And I don't want to either.' She stared at Tony helplessly,'How can we work this out?'
'There isn't a right and wrong answer.' Tony shook his head and sighed,'You're gonna have to work at it to really build your trust again. Joel, have you ever cheated on Becca?'
'Once.' He stared at her long and hard,'The only time I ever slept with Tess was that one night I was drunk. I ain't ever slept with anyone else while we were together. Only before and when we were on a break. I was honest about Tess.'
Only what you had to admit it. She thought to herself.
She wouldn't be angry at something he did a few years ago. Things were different back then. They've been through far worse. Tess seemed minuscule compared to everything else that's happened.
'I never faulted you for Tess.' She nervously wrung her hands in her lap,'I was angry about it, but I've been working through that. You made me wait and wait for our date. That really hurt me, Joel.' She averted her eyes downward,'It scared me. I thought…I thought I was losing you.'
Joel's heart dropped to his stomach at her words. He knew he fucked up, but he didn't see things from her perspective. Their therapists were right. They are narcissists.
She's also never admitted she was afraid of losing him.
Joel sighed and placed his hand on her leg, gently squeezing it,'Ya ain't gonna lose me. I get scared I'm gonna lose ya too, Bec. I think about us being apart and if you'll find someone. I fear that we'll both realize we're better off apart. I get scared too.'
'I know.' She placed her hand over his that was resting on her leg,'I'm sorry I thought the worst. I should've given you the benefit of the doubt.'
He squeezed her hand affectionately and shook his head,'I shoulda let ya know I might not make it. I shouldn't have made ya wait around like that. For the record? Shelly's tried it, but that ain't what I'm about. I ain't trying to mess up a good thing.' He turned to Tony and sighed,'What do we do now?'
'We keep hammering things out.' Tony placed a piece of paper in front of them,'Here's a list of words. I want you to keep these words in mind when you write the next letter for each other. I actually want you to share the letter in our next session. When you think about each other, I want you to keep these words in mind.'
Joel and Becca looked down at the piece of paper, reading the eight words.
Trust, feel, dependable, outstanding, compassionate, patient, romantic, reliable.
Tony's had them do an exercise similar to this before. Except he was actually giving them the words this time. He's been giving them a lot of 'homework' lately. They wondered what it meant.
He ended their session leaving them with a lot of things to think about. He suggested they take a break this week from dating and give themselves some time and space. Maybe they've been spending too much time with each other.
They walked out of Tony's building, taking a deep breath of fresh air.
Joel kicked his boot into the dirt,'I should get going to the farm. Got some spring cleaning to do.'
'I should get to the shop. Betsy has a lot of alterations for me to do.' She looked up at him and sighed,'This is a good thing, Joel. We're doing the right thing.'
He nodded slowly and rubbed her arm,'I know it is. I just didn't think it would be this…difficult.'
She shook her head and laughed,Nothing worth it ever is.' She cupped his cheek as she looked over his face,'I'll see you around.'
He stared at her longingly and it seemed like he wanted to say something, but held back. It wouldn't have mattered anyway.
'I'll see ya around.' He kissed the top of her head, 'Enjoy your day, darlin.'
She watched him walk away, feeling helpless. She hoped they could start dating again next week. She looked forward to spending time with him. This was just a setback.
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Joel was sitting at the kitchen table drinking his coffee as he worked on his blueprints for the new barn he was building. The farm was starting to get bigger than what the barn can handle. Even his stables would need expanding.
As he looked down at his blueprints he felt like a lucky man. This was his dream. It's something he's wanted ever since he was a kid. He never thought he would see it to fruition. He only wished he had his wife here with him to share it.
He thought about Becca and sighed, throwing his pencil on the table. It's been a week since they've spent anytime alone together. Tony thought they were spending too much time together. Whatever the hell that meant. He thought it best if they took things at a slower pace. He recommended a break for a couple weeks while they worked through therapy and then pick up dating again.
While they still saw each other; it wasn't in the way they would've liked. He told himself it was only a setback, but he was scared. He knew she was scared too. He could see it in her eyes whenever they went to therapy together. They were afraid the break would be permanent.
Ellie waltzed into the kitchen fully dressed for the day.
His eyes widened in surprise and he shook his head confusingly,'Elizabeth Anna Miller!' He placed his hand over his heart and looked up at the clock,'You're up and it's only seven. Am I dying? Am I already dead?'
Ellie snorted as she poured herself a cup of coffee,'Ha ha, asshole.' She rolled her eyes and leaned back against the counter,'I'm meeting Abby so we can finish the mural before together.'
He nodded and smirked, taking a sip of his coffee,'You and Abby seem to be spending a lot of time together. You and her dating?'
Ellie tilted her head to the side and narrowed her eyes,'Not that it's any of your business, precious papa of mine.' She shrugged,'I don't know what it is yet. We're still trying to figure it out.'
He leaned back against the chair and sighed,'Join the club.'
She frowned as she walked over to the table, sitting down across from him,'Are you and Becca done for good?'
'No.' He shook his head adamantly,'Not at all. Ya know about the fight we had? We're trying to slow down a bit. That's all.'
He never minced words with Ellie. He didn't see a need to. He was never a liar. He damned sure wouldn't lie to Ellie again. When it came to Ellie, he still had a lot to atone for. He lied to her about the cure. He'll never forgive himself for that.
Ellie pursed her lips and gently tapped her hands on the table,'You coming to the park today?'
'Yeah.' He nodded and sighed,'I got a few things to look at it and then head back here to work on the barn.' He saw the mischievous look on her face and rolled his eyes to the heavens,'What?'
'Nothing.' She shrugged,'I was just asking. I should get going.'
She grabbed her book bag and threw it over her shoulders, wiggling her fingers goodbye at him,'I'll see ya!'
Joel watched her run out of the kitchen as he heard the front door slam. He wondered what tricks she had up her sleeve. Knowing her, it could be anything.
He pulled himself up from the chair, groaning softly. His body was getting older. It took him longer to get his body than when he was a young man.
He used to be so afraid about getting older. He didn't want to become useless, but he's learned aging is nothing to be afraid of. Your life is what you make of it.
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When Joel walked up to the park and saw Becca gardening he had to laugh. He saw Ellie looking down at him with a sly grin on her face.
He shook his head, thinking to himself, The little shit set me up.
He's made himself sparse around these parts lately. He knew he would run into her. Ellie knew it too, which is why she didn't tell him. She was always telling him to man up. God only knows what she's saying to Becca.
Becca looked up at him and her eyes widened slightly. She hasn't seen him out of therapy. She's written a few letters for him, but never saw him around to give them to him. She wondered if he was evading her. She thought about making sure Ellie or Maria gave the letters to him, but she wanted them to come from her. She didn't want anyone fighting her battles for her anymore.
She always carried them with her. Just in case she happened to see him. She tried to give them to him in therapy, but she decided against it. The letters were supposed to be only for them.
She got up from the ground and brushed her hands off on her overalls. She walked over to him, squinting her eyes from the sun,'Hey there, stranger.'
She stared up at him with those big blue eyes, almost daring for him to walk away from her, but he stayed put. She had a determined look upon her face. She wasn't letting him go that easily. She didn't seem angry. Just disappointed.
She crossed her arms over her chest and frowned,'You have Maria and Betsy be the go between for our kid?' She shook her head,'I didn't agree to that. You're avoiding me.' She pursed her lips as she studied his face,'Why is that?
He saw the necklace he gave her at the spring festival. He hasn't taken his bracelet off since she's given it to him. That had been a good day between them. He wanted to have more good days like that.
'You're right.' He leaned back against the fence and crossed his arms over his chest,'I have very avoiding ya.'
'Finally.' She extended her arms out,'Now we're getting somewhere. I shouldn't have to get Ellie to coerce you here, Joel. We're supposed to face all this together. We've known each other for almost seven years now. Don't bullshit me. Am I wasting my time at marriage counseling?'
'Wasting your time? Is that what?' He shook his head, stopping himself.
They weren't going to fight about this. Not here. He didn't have anymore fight left in him.
He held his hands up defeatedly and sighed,'Okay, I'm a jerk, but you weren't exactly knocking down my door either.'
Ellie walked past them and rolled her eyes, whispering,'You're both jerks.'
Their eyes widened as they watched Ellie walk by them, snickering under her breath. She mocked them and thought what they're doing is stupid. While she's been through a lot of grown up situations; she still had a lot to learn about relationships.
'She's probably right.' She scoffed,'In this situation at least.' She looked up at him and frowned,'I don't want us to avoid each other anymore. I want us to talk about things. We were both wrong that day. We can't change what happened, but just because we're taking a break on dating doesn't mean we're taking a break from each other.' He smirked at that and she sighed,'You know what I mean. You're my best friend, Joel. There's some things I can't talk about to anyone else.'
He knew what she meant. The Fireflies, Silver Lake and everything that happened at that damned hospital. Traumatic events bond certain people together.
'Tony might say we're each others crutches.' He shrugged,'Maybe there's some truth to that.'
She averted her eyes as she shook her head,'Being friends doesn't make you dependent on someone. No offense, but I stopped looking for happiness in men a long time ago. I'm finally starting to find my own happiness. The kind of happy I want to share that with someone…you.' She leaned in close to him, almost daringly,'So are you in or are you out?'
His eyes widened slightly at her words. She was brazen and standing up for herself. She wasn't as timid as she used to be. She was coming into her own. She's never talked to him like this before. He had to admit, he loved it. She wasn't making things easy on him either. Good.
He was silent and she was starting to become frustrated,'I wanna make something clear to you, Joel. I don't need you in life, but I want you in it.'I've started to understand the difference between the two.'
He hesitantly placed his hands on her shoulders and gently squeezed them,'I was avoiding ya cause…I was afraid ya would say ya didn't wanna work on things.'
'Maybe ask me that instead of assuming.' She frowned as she looked over his face,'You didn't answer my question.'
'I know ya don't need. I always known that.'
'You don't need me either.' She nodded,'It's okay to say it.'
He shook his head and sighed,'I want you in my life too. I was sitting at home looking over the blueprints for the new barn and I felt like shit cause this is something we should be doing together.'
'Then we can do it together.' She shrugged,'Just cause we're taking a break on dating doesn't mean we just stop talking. I want to know about things you're working on. I can't help if I don't know about it.'
He smirked as he looked over her face,'What do ya wanna know?'
'Everything.' She reached into the pocket of her overalls and took out two letters,'I wanted to give these to you for the last two weeks, but it never seemed like the right time. Now's a good of time as any.'
He smiled as he slid two letter out of his back pocket, handing them over to her,'I've been carrying these around for the last two weeks.'
He slid her letters carefully into his back pocket as she slid his into her satchel,'I'm sorry for standing ya up on our date.' He scrubbed a hand over his face,'I didn't want to come to Maria's house in the middle of the night. I thought it was better to explain myself in the morning. I felt like shit, Bec. I ain't gonna run around on my wife. I ain't like that. Ya need to stop thinking the worse of me. I've done shitty things, but here and now?' He shook his head,'What I do now doesn't keep me up at night. The things I did back when I had nothing else to lose?'
He didn't elaborate. He didn't feel the need to. He's already laid his soul bare to her. She knew everything he did when he was a Firefly and Raider. The robberies and fighting he did with Tess. There were still some things he didn't have the courage to tell her. He was building up his confidence in his own therapy and trying to muster up the courage to admit all the things he's done. There's some things he doesn't even want to admit to himself.
She sighed as she took his hand in hers, speaking in a tone so only he could hear,'I won't pressure you on the things you don't wanna talk about. Just like you don't pressure me, but just know I'm always here to listen. I want to listen and understand where you're coming from. I'm trying to get better at it too.'
He leaned further back against the fence and tangled their fingers together,'I wanna get us back again.'
'Me too.' She tightened her hand around his,'I don't want another day to go by in this life without speaking to you, Joel.'
He was about to say something when Tim called out for him, shouting out,'Stop being a lazy ass and come help us out here.'
Joel gave him the middle finger as Becca looked back at Tim and laughed.
He sighed as he reluctantly untangled his hands from hers,'Can I walk ya home after this?'
She nodded and smiled softly,'I would like that. It's dangerous for a woman to walk alone.' She smirked as she backed away from him,'Maybe stop being an asshole though. It's the only unattractive thing about you.'
He chuckled as she walked back to her garden. He patted the back pocket of his jeans, making sure her letters were secure. He had some very important reading to do tonight.
(Ellie starts to learn the truth about her parents in the next chapter!!! I haven't forgotten about that. Who is her real father anyway? )