Chapter 99: I never said it would be easy, but it would be worth it
'We wanted the freedom to love. We wanted the freedom to choose. Now we have to fight for it.'
-Lauren Oliver
The following morning, Becca was awoken by the sounds of Matty's cries. She groaned softly and rolled over, blinking her bleary eyes up at the clock on the wall. It was only five thirty in the morning, but she was planning to be up early anyway. They wanted to head out early for their trip.
She walked into Matty's room and picked him up, carrying him downstairs. Her thighs ached as they walked down the stairs, reminding her of what transpired the night before. She spent the entire night tossing and turning, wondering what in the hell happened. She refused to apologize. She didn't think she did anything wrong anyway.
There was obviously something going on with him. Whether it was something he wanted to talk to her about or not. She wouldn't pressure him. Whatever struggles he was facing, hopefully he was talking it through with his therapist. The only thing she could do is be there to support him.
She sat Matty in his high chair as she poured herself a cup of coffee. She started Matty's oatmeal and stared blearily out the window above the sink. There was a heavy fog lingering over the farm. She could barely see a thing, but she knew Joel was out there, making sure everything was in order before their trip.
He didn't come upstairs. She thought he would've changed his mind, but she laid there for an hour and he never came up to bed. She should've been angry or even confused, but she wasn't any of those things. For the first time in her life, she finally has clarity. She wasn't the problem this time around. There was something going on with him that had nothing to do with her.
She wasn't going to apologize or grovel at his feet. Not this time anyway. He would be the one who would have to say he's sorry. She's given him far too many chances. Sometimes she felt as if they were on their last leg.
Joel walked into the kitchen as she was standing by the stove. Her back was facing him and she didn't see him. He stood in the doorway, silently watching her for a few moments. He thought about what he should say to her. Everything sounded so stupid in his head.
He knew he fucked up last night. He could see it by the look on her face. He shouldn't have dismissed her like that. Not after she said she wanted it. She said he didn't do anything wrong. Then why the fuck does he feel so guilty?
He laid awake almost the entire night regretting what he did. He even went and talked to his therapist (who wasn't exactly happy he was knocking on his door at four in the morning) and he told him to talk to her about it. She'll never be able to understand if she didn't know the truth.
He cleared his throat softly to announce his presence. He walked over to Matty and kissed him on top of his head. The little boy looked up at him as he banged his spoon against his high chair.
Becca closed her eyes and sighed as she heard him. Matty kept banging his spoon over and over again, which only increased her levels of anxiety. She didn't like feeling this way, like she had something to be sorry for.
He glanced over at her, seeing her body tensed up. He saw her hands braced against the counter. Her shoulders and back were taunt.
He frowned and gently took the spoon out of Matty's hands, whispering,'It's too early for that, bud.'
He sighed and walked over to stand next to her. He took a deep breath and ducked his head to look over her face,'Good morning.'
'Good morning.' She took a sip of her coffee and sighed,'I'm not saying sorry.'
He snorted and nodded,'I don't expect ya too. I…I should be the one apologizing. I shouldn't have done that last night.'
'What part? Cause I was fine with everything that happened, Joel. I was one hundred percent for it. The only part I didn't like was when you completely closed yourself off again. You sent me up to bed like I was your goddamned child. We've been working so hard. Only for you to do that to me…again. I'm putting in the work just like you are. I think I deserve the same respect.'
He squinted his eyes slightly as she laid into him. He was proud of her for sticking up for herself. Even when it concerns him.
'You're right.' He sighed and nodded as he crossed his arms over his chest,'You're absolutely right about everything.'
'You don't deserve me.' She saw his eyes widen as he took a step back from her, as if her words were a punch to the gut,'You heard me. You don't deserve me, but I'm here anyway. Sometimes I wonder why considering all the shit you've put me through. You…cheated on me throughout our marriage…numerous times. All that shit with Marjorie and Tess, I forgave you. When you accused me of being a Firefly and almost had me killed. I forgave you. Despite all this, I married you and a baby with you. After everything men put me through, I thought this would finally be an opportunity where I could choose what I wanted for myself. I wanted what happened last night. I wanted it so bad and you just took something really important and made me feel guilty for it. I trusted and gave you my all, but you never give me the same and I don't know if you ever will.'
He felt the dread start to overwhelm him. He wondered if this was the point in the story where it ends. Would he finally lose her for good? He played too many games. He felt the hot stinging sensation of tears behind his eyes. If she left him right now he would break down and cry. He may beg her to stay. He would give her anything at this point.
'What are ya saying?' He swallowed harshly,'You…wanna end things…for good?'
He tried to keep his voice leveled, but he found it difficult to do so. His voice was shaking and there were already tears in his eyes. He should've just told her rather than shutting her out.
She didn't answer for what felt like forever. She stood there in silence as he braced himself for the impact. Everything had been going so well for them too. Leave it up to him, to fuck things up.
'No.' She sighed and shook her head,'I'm not letting you off that easy. I'm just…wondering what's going on between us. The whole reason for us doing this is so we could reconnect again. I thought we did that last night. I loved it. I've been throwing you signs left and right, Joel. For the record? I didn't care where or when we had sex. It didn't have to be in a bed. It was perfect just as it was. I want to be able to have sex with you wherever we want to. This farm is our home and if I want to have sex in the barn, we should be able to do that without you running off.'
'Lotta people said ya shoulda ran for the hills.'
'They say that to you too.' She shrugged,'What's going on? Why did you freak out like that last night?'
He leaned his back against the counter as he looked over at Matty, who was playing with one of his toys in his high chair,'I went to see Jeremiah this morning.'
'Your therapist?' Her eyes widened,'When did you go? It's only…' She looked up at the clock,'Six forty five in the morning.'
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed,'Four. He wasn't exactly thrilled and his wife wanted to kill me, but it couldn't wait. I needed to talk to him.'
She nodded slowly as she looked over his face,'Did he help you work through everything?'
'Not everything.' He shook his head and sighed,'I think I got scared last night.' He saw her staring at him intently, as if waiting for him to continue,'Remember when I told ya about the shit I did as a Firefly and Raider?' He waited for her to nod,'I just didn't watch, Bec.'
'I know.' She stated simply and nodded slowly,'I'm not an idiot. I know they wouldn't just have you watch. They would coerce you to control you. They wanted you to have blood on your hands too.'
'It doesn't make me any different.' He shook his head,'What David and the Fireflies did to ya. I'm no different than them. What I did to ya last night? I didn't want it to be like that, but I wanted ya so bad and it felt so good and I couldn't stop myself. I'm an animal.'
She frowned as she turned herself around to face him,'How many times have you said that to me throughout the years? And how many times have I told you that it's bullshit? You're nothing like them. I've always known that you were more involved with what they did than you let on. I've read through the Fireflies' files. I read over your file. I wouldn't be with you if I thought you were even a little bit like them. But you can't keep shutting me out whenever you get afraid to talk to me about something.'
'Jeremiah told me the same thing.' He snorted,'He doesn't know why I can talk to him, but not you.'
'Beats the hell outta me.' She shook her head,'I've been asking myself the same question for almost eight years.'
He looked over at Matty and frowned,'I don't want him growing up and knowing his old man was a rapist, robber and murderer, Becca. He's gonna find out everything I did to you and he's gonna hate me. How the hell can he look up to someone like me?'
'It doesn't matter who you were then. What matters is who you are now. You're not the same man you were back then. This Joel raising him is a completely different man who sees the world differently now. You also live differently. He's gonna love and admire you because of the man you are.'
He saw the unshed tears in her eyes and hated himself for putting them in this predicament again,'You still mad at me?'
'Oh yeah.' She nodded and held his gaze,'You embarrassed me last night. It took a lot of trust for me to do that with you again. I…asked you for it. When I ask for something…intimate. It means something to me because I was never allowed to ask for anything myself before. It means a lot to me.'
He didn't even have to ask her what she meant. He completely understood. He took her choice away from her last night. He made her question herself. He wondered if she would have the courage to do that again or did he ruin it completely?
'It's special to me.' She continued,'I'm not asking you to understand.'
'I do.' He shook his head and took her hand,'I swear I fucking do.' He closed his eyes momentarily and took a deep breath to gather his courage,'I think you should date.'
Her eyes widened and she shook her head confusingly,'What? Date who?'
'I don't know.' He shrugged,'Maybe Tony's right. Maybe you should see what's out there.'
She couldn't help but roll her eyes and walk over to Matty, taking him out of his high chair,'Sure. I'll go and set up my dating profile before we head out. It should only take a few.'
He narrowed his eyes at her smart ass remark,'I'm being serious. Maybe it'll be for the better.'
'Maybe it will. Maybe it won't.' She rubbed Matty's back soothingly,'Stop being a Martyr. I'm not interested in dating anyone else. No offense, but this takes up a lot of my emotional energy as it is. You could always date someone else too.'
He shook his head and laughed at that. He didn't have the energy for it either. All of his energy is solely focused on her. She seemed to be in the same boat as well.
There were a lot of things they still needed to talk about, but they would have the rest of the weekend to do so. He talked things over with Jeremiah and he said the only way they would survive is if she knew the truth. She wouldn't leave him, but she would be hurt and confused, which is why he's been so hesitant to tell her.
She looked over at him and gave him a small smile,'I'm gonna go and get us dressed.'
He nodded and returned her smile,'You're still coming. That's a good sign.'
'Don't flatter yourself. I'm not just coming for you. I have a greenhouse to start working on.'
She walked out of the kitchen with Matty and he scrubbed a hand tiredly over his face. Sometimes he felt as if he were living a charade. Almost like a caricature of a normal man.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
They left shortly before eight in the morning and arrived to the cabin an hour and a half later. Matty had been surprisingly easygoing along the ride. He seemed to take after his Pa. He loved to ride. They alternated between holding him on the ride, but Luna seemed to ride more smoothly. Chaos was…just his usual self.
They didn't speak much during the ride. If they did, they kept everything surface level. She didn't know what else to say to him. She's been an open book while he still held back. He was afraid to let her into some parts of his life.
She laid Matty down for a nap while she changed into her gardening clothes. She could hear Joel shuffling around on the porch.
She walked out of the cabin as she tucked her gloves into the back-pocket of her jeans,'I'm gonna go start working on the greenhouse. Matty was fussy so I laid him down for a nap.'
His eyes widened slightly as he pulled the brim of his cowboy hat lower on his head,'Sure.' He cleared his throat and nodded,'Sure, I was just gonna…'
He trailed off as he scratched the back of his neck. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but he couldn't bring himself to face it in the harsh cold light of day. Maybe her having some time away at the greenhouse would give him the space he needed to figure things out. Jeremiah was right. He needed to tell her.
She looked up at him and bit back a sigh. She truly didn't know if they were going to survive this. Just a week ago, she had been so sure things were going to work out between them. She thought he was finally going to ask her to move back in, but she felt the distance between them. He could've been miles away and there wouldn't have been a difference.
He thought they would come up here and fish together. He would take them out on the boat and teach Matty how to fish. Ellie hadn't shown up, but there was still time. He thought they were going to have fun. Just like they did the last time they were here together.
'You need help?' He looked down at her,'With loading anything?'
'I'm fine. Thank you.' She gave him a small nod as she grabbed her hat off the table and placed it over her head,'I'll be back later.'
He nodded silently as he watched her walk off the porch and loaded up her saddle. He knew she needed space too. He realized he didn't fuck up last night like he thought he did. She wanted to have sex. She didn't care where or when. She explicitly made it clear it's what she wanted. He fucked up how he handled it afterwards.
He shouldn't have slept on the couch like that. He shouldn't have left her alone in their bed. She was putting in the work while he was only handling issues when he had absolutely had to. He still doesn't understand why she puts up with him.
She mounted Luna and galloped off. He watched her horse gallop fast down the trail and kicked a rock off the curse, muttering a curse word under his breath. He could feel her slowly pulling away from him. She gave him the world last night and he spit all over it. He wouldn't blame her if she never let him come near her again.
He slumped back onto the bench as he tore his hat off his head. He held his head in his hands and tangled his hands in his hair, tugging on the strands. Jeremiah's words came ringing forth in his head.
You'll never have a future if you keep living in the past.
His words resonated within him. Even bleary eyed and possibly in the middle of a manic episode, he understood what he had to do. He could finally let her know everything and she would either learn to forgive him or leave him. Either was a possibility. Neither of the two were mutually exclusive either. She could very well love and hate him.
He perked up to what sounded like bushes being moved around. He was deaf in one ear, but he could hear the distinct sound of horses' hooves crunching on wet earth. It rained earlier in the morning, making the air dewy and the grass wet. He looked up and his eyes widened at what appeared to be Abby perched atop her black stallion. She was situated atop of the hill. She had a scarf covering her face and the brim of her hat was pulled down low, but he would recognize Black Widow from anywhere.
For a fleeting moment, he wondered if Ellie decided for join them, but he didn't see her. She seemed to have come alone.
Interesting, He surmised to himself.
He bent down and picked up his rifle perched against the porch. He cocked it as he waited for her to do something, but she didn't react when he aimed his gun. In fact, she didn't do anything but watch. Her inaction unnerved him and he wondered if that was the intention she had in mind. Was this mere slip of a girl trying to intimidate him?
He was afraid of her though. He could snap her in half without breaking a sweat, but he was absolutely terrified of her. She had the power to disrupt their entire lives. She could take everything from him. She's already taken one thing away from him he loves. What's stopping her from taking the rest?
She sat up there for what felt like an eternity, but in actuality was only a few minutes. She galloped off towards the direction back into town. He didn't like she was following them. She knew where their cabin was located. Then again, Ellie could've told her that too. Nothing seemed to be sacred anymore.
The sun had set when Becca returned back to the cabin. He started worrying about her and went to go check on her to make sure she was alright. He didn't disturb her. He stood afar with Matty as he watched her work on the greenhouse. Her face and hands were covered in dirt. He was mesmerized as she carefully curated each plot, taking specific care with each and every single one.
The tears on her cheeks weren't lost on him either. She often told him gardening was a way for her to vent out her emotions. It was therapeutic for her. He embarrassed her last night. He took something that was supposed to be sexy and passionate and tarnished it. He made her feel guilty for wanting to be fucked. She shouldn't feel guilty for her desires.
Back when he was a kid, fucking around had been easy. It was easy with Tess. She never expected anything from him. When she started asking for more is when he pulled away. Even now, with someone he was supposed to love, he couldn't get his shit together.
He was sitting on the porch as she walked back up to the cabin. She was covered in dirt from head to toe. Her bangs were sticking to her sweat covered forehead. She had been working tirelessly all day. Did she do it because she wanted to or just to get away from him?
He could see the heavy bags under her eyes, indicating to him she had been crying. He had been a nervous wreck all day, wondering if she made the decision to finally leave him.
He would go back to eating dinner alone every night. Matty would get older and wouldn't need his old man around so much anymore. Becca would find someone else and move on. She was still so young. He didn't have the energy to look for anybody else. Nor would he want to. She had been it for him. At least he thought so anyway.
He stood up from the bench as he held carefully placed Matty on the chair,'I made dinner and kept a plate on the stove for ya.'
She nodded and smiled tightly,'Thank you. I'm…gonna go and get washed up.'
She leaned down and kissed Matty on top of his head, but walked right past him and into the cabin. He sat back on the bench and bit into his fist. He tightly closed his eyes as tears fell down his cheeks. He bit hard into his fist to suppress sobs.
After they had sex, he should've carried her up to the farm and into their bed. He should've undressed her and took his time to take her slowly, letting himself enjoy her again. He didn't do that though. He felt ashamed. He made her feel ashamed for telling him what she wanted. It completely undermined everything she's been working towards, trusting her sexuality and her body. She just started to become confident with expressing her desires.
He imagined her asking another man to take her like he did last night. It fueled him with such a rage he could barely see straight. He was a selfish bastard. It would kill him to see her with another man. What if she fell in love with someone else? Married someone else? Younger and her age. They could have more children together. He knew she wanted more. Yet something else he couldn't give her.
He didn't know if he would be able to witness that. Another man with his child, loving on his woman. If they were happy, then he would have to be happy too. Or at least pretend to be anyway.
She finished getting washed up and changed. She ate her dinner and cleaned her dish. She dried and put the rest of the dishes away. She out Matty down for bed, giving Joel some time to himself for the rest of the evening. She could feel the elephant in the room. They barely said two words to each other when she got back.
She made herself a cup of tea and sat out on the porch. She didn't know if he would join her or just go to sleep. She fully expected him to sleep on the couch. She didn't know what he wanted anymore. He confused the fuck out of her. She didn't like he made her doubt herself.
She heard the door opening and felt herself flinch slightly. She felt him shift behind her as he sat down next to her on the bench, but at the end. He kept a considerable distance between them, wanting to respect her boundaries.
He licked his dry lips as he looked over at her,'Did ya wanna be alone?'
The way she tended up when he walked out wasn't lost on him. It was almost as if she were bracing herself for the impact. He hated that she was doubting him again.
'No.' She shook her head,'Do you wanna be?'
He blinked away tears as he tightly held onto his coffee mug, whispering admittedly,'No. I really don't, Rebecca. I really fucking don't.'
Her eyes widened as the broken tone in his voice. She knew he wasn't just talking about right now. He was referring to forever.
She sighed as she felt the tears behind her eyes,'If you're so afraid of being alone then why do you keep pushing me away?' She frowned,'You live too much in the past and keep rehashing old mistakes. It's not gonna change anything. You can't change your past.'
'I did fucked up things.' He shook his head adamantly,'Things I never even told you. It ain't about just cheating on ya.'
'I know about Tess and Majorie. And the…other time.'
He ignored her words and focused on what he was trying to say,'I took part in a lotta shit the Fireflies did, but it wasn't just with them. When I was apart of Raiders, I…I was using heavily at the time. Drinking and taking whatever I could get my hands on. I…did what I needed to get what I wanted. I was hired to do a lotta jobs. I killed a lotta people. Women and kids.' He closed his eyes and sighed shakily,'Kids as young as Matty. I…raped women, Becca. Ya said it ain't like that, but it's the truth. I ain't no different than what those fuckers at the hospital did to ya.'
'You killed all those fuckers at the hospital. The ones who raped me and hurt me.' She shook her head and sighed,'You think what happened last night was rape? You think you hurt me and I'm pitying you for whatever reason? Do you honestly think after everything I've been through that I would be with a rapist? Willingly? What kind of woman do you take me for?'
He took a deep breath to look up at her. He frowned when he saw the tears falling from her eyes. He sighed and placed his mug down on the table.
He folded his hands in front of him as he leaned forward,'For the record, I ain't apologizing for having sex. Cause I know ya wanted it.' His eyes rolled in pleasure as a warmth ran throughout his body just thinking about it,'Jesus, I could feel it. I'm sorry for the way I treated ya afterwards. Ya didn't deserve to be treated like that.'
'You're right.' She nodded and held his gaze,'I didn't deserve that. I was so embarrassed and thought I did something wrong.' She took a deep breath, whispering,'I didn't know if asking for sex in the middle of the barn was a good call.' She averted her eyes downward,'I thought you were just…giving me what you thought I wanted. I practically begged for it.'
'And I fucking loved that.' His eyes widened in realization as he shook his head in disbelief,'You thought ya did something wrong by begging me like that?' She didn't answer, but her silence was enough,'I'm a fucking asshole. I love hearing ya beg for me.' He took a deep breath,'It's the reason why I couldn't keep my hands off ya last night. I couldn't control myself when ya look at me like that. Ya ain't ever asked me to fuck ya like that before. It got me hot. I lost control. I didn't mean to lose control like that.'
'I'm not made of glass. I'm not fragile.' She sighed,'I've been through a lotta shit just like you. Compared to my other husbands, you're a breeze.' She looked up at him with a serious expression on her face,'You slept with Tess the night she kidnapped me. Didn't you? It's why ya couldn't kill her that day and I had to do it.'
His eyes widened in surprise and he shook his head,'I wasn't in the right frame of mind that day, Bec. That ain't an excuse, but I was so drunk and she gave me pills. I don't…I don't remember much about that night to be honest.'
She let out an incredulous laugh as she angrily wiped the tears from her cheeks,'The night you first told me you were in love with me is the night you cheated on me. That's beautiful though. A love story for the ages. This'll be the future's Roman Empire. Did you tell me you loved me to save face?'
'I meant it.' He seethed,'Just like I mean it now. I fucked her to get information and she ended up screwing me over…again. Just to take you away from me.'
'I'm not your toy someone can just take away from you.' She frowned,'I always wondered how you could never kill her. You stood by and watched me do it. Yet, you could shove a gun in my face three times. At least when Ben and David hit me, I had a better chance of defending myself.'
'You're so pretty to me.' He sighed when she opened her mouth to retort,'I don't mean just your face.' Tears fell from his eyes as he waved his hand over her,'Everything about you. Inside and out. You fucking shine. You always have. I always thought I was…dulling that in some way.'
She saw the tears falling down his face and resisted the urge to comfort him. She heard her therapist's words in her head. She sometimes needed to use tough love with him.
'You never dulled it.' She frowned,'You made it brighter and better.'
'Mine too.' He smiled tearfully,'I thought after Sarah died, I wouldn't ever have that kinda happiness again, but when I found you and Ellie. I realized I could have it if I wanted it. Then we had Matty and I finally felt fulfilled, but last night?' He shook his head,'I was so afraid everything got fucked up again.'
'You think too much. You always have.' She finished her cup of tea and sighed, leaning back against the bench,'I've been thinking a lot about what you said. About me dating other people and I've really given it a lot of thought.'
His heart pounded hard in his chest and his felt his hands start to shake slightly. This was the moment she let him down easy. He wouldn't grovel or beg. He would accept it like a man. He would take an evening ride to let out his emotions in solitude.
He gripped his knees tightly and nodded slowly,'Okay. Whatever you decide. I'll respect it. Just as long as he respects our kid and loves him like his own. And respects you.' He narrowed his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat,'I find out someone hurts ya and I'm putting a bullet in em.'
Her eyes widened and she held her hands up,'Whoa, slow down. I didn't say I was gonna go out and date.' She rolled her eyes,'What I was gonna say is. I don't want to hear that flimsy excuse of a cop out from you anymore. You gonna keep running around on me with crazy ex girlfriends that are supposed to be dead?'
'Hopefully the ones who are dead stay that way.' He snorted as he looked over her face,'You were in the greenhouse for a long time.'
'I had a night terror last night. I ended up waking up in the middle of the goddamned cornfields.' She sighed,'I haven't slept walked in forever. It's usually caused by.'
'Stress.' He added for her as he slid closer to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders,'I'm sorry. I shoulda been there in bed with ya.'
She looked up at him and sighed,'I don't have them when you're in bed with me.'
'Neither do I.' He whispered admittedly,'I don't have nightmares either. You chase away all that. I didn't sleep too much last night either.'
She had to admit, it felt good knowing she wasn't the only one with a restless night. It was selfish of her, but it serves him right. She didn't have anything to feel sorry for this time around.
She turned to him and sighed,'You can't change the past, Joel. You can't fixate on it. It'll drive ya mad. I've learned that a long ago.'
He pursed his lips as he crossed his arms over his chest,'You've always been so much smarter than me. Do you know that?'
'Not smarter.' She frowned,'I just don't let the past control me anymore.'
'I see Abby earlier while you were gone.' He nodded towards the hill,'She was on Black Widow. El wasn't with her though.'
Her eyes widened. She didn't know if he was deflecting or it was a cause of concern.
'Do you think it's something we should be worried about?'
'I don't know.' He sighed and shook his head,'She doesn't have any business being here though.' He curtly nodded his head,'I'm gonna have a talk with her when I get back.'
'I wanna be there. This concerns me just as it does you.'
He nodded and pressed his shoulder against hers,'I wouldn't have it any other way.' He looked down at her and frowned,'You gonna find somebody else?'
She sighed and shook her head,'Depends.'
'On what?'
'If you were serious about it.' She shrugged,'I told you what I wanted. I can't be any plainer about it. Maybe you need to figure out what you want.'
'I know what I want.' He shook his head and his tone was adamant,'I just don't do a very good job of expressing it.'
'No, you don't.' She picked up her empty coffee mug,'I've had a long day. I'm going to bed.' She walked to the door and looked back at him,'You coming?'
He followed her into the cabin as he stared at her back in trepidation,'I didn't think that was an option.'
She rolled her eyes as she rinsed her mug out,'We've been together almost ten years and have a kid together. I think we can share a bed.'
He bit back a smile as he pulled the covers back. She wasn't making it easy on him. He was proud of her. She was standing up for herself and she wasn't backing down. He was glad for it. Sometimes you need someone to put things into perspective and put you in your place.
He laid down in bed first as he watched her walk over. She laid down in bed next to him and pulled the covers up over them. They rolled onto their sides to face each other.
She slid her hands underneath to pillow, not knowing what to do with them. They laid there just staring at each other for a bit, relishing in the comfortable silence. Matty was sleeping soundly in his crib. The crickets were chirping loudly as the wind howled softly outside.
She closed her eyes and sighed softly, listening to the music.
He had a soft smile on his face as he watched her,'Is it pretty?'
She smiled softly as she slowly opened her eyes to look at him,'It's beautiful.'
He took a deep breath as he ran his hand down the side of her face,'I listen to the music too. I know I used to make fun of ya about it. I shouldn't have done that. Making ya feel bad for things ya enjoy.'
'It's just teasing. I tease you too.'
'It wasn't always fun for ya and I took it too far.' He stroked her cheek,'You're allowed to love what ya want.'
She smirked as her eyes widened dramatically,'Everyone in town thinks I'm a witch. Betsy says the old ladies think I'm doing voodoo whenever I go out into the woods to forage.'
Like a fuckin hippy He thought to himself, but didn't dare speak it aloud.
They were different in the ways they saw the world, but he's always appreciated that. Despite all the evils committed towards her, she still found beauty in the world.
He couldn't resist running his hand through her hair,'We could leave Jackson. We could go to California like I talked about. You could finally see the beach.'
'I don't need the beach.' She sighed,'Everything I want is right here. I have my greenhouse, my family and friends. I don't care about the opinions of strangers, Joel. They don't know me. I'm not letting anyone drive me outta my home.'
He smiled proudly as he looked over her face,'And ya shouldn't have to. Ya can't help the thing that happened to ya back in Silver Lake.'
'David grew up Mormon. I was one of twelve wives. He wanted Ellie to be his thirteenth.'
His eyes widened slightly as he processed this information,'Did…ya eat people?'
She closed her eyes shamefully and took a deep breath,'I did what I had to do to survive just like you did. I…killed people's because I was told you. I wasn't complacent either. I have blood on my hands too.'
He slid closer to her as he tucked his hands underneath the pillow to stop himself from touching her,'We aren't bad people. We were forced to do bad things for bad people. That's what Jeremiah tells me.'
'It's what my therapist tells me too. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn't. It's getting easier to stop listening to those thoughts.'
He saw her eyes blinking sleepily and leaned over to kiss her forehead, whispering,'Are ya listening to them tonight?'
She closed her eyes and sighed softly, murmuring,'Not when you're here.'
Tears filled his eyes at that. He lightly draped his arm over her body as he closed his eyes. He shared the same sentiment.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
When Joel awoke, he found himself alone in the bed. He lifted his head up and looked around the room groggily for Becca, but she was nowhere to be found. He saw Matty still sleeping soundly in his crib. It was still dark outside. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes to check his watch.
He frowned. It was only five in the morning. They didn't have the farm to wake up to. Where in the hell could she be?
He frowned when he saw the front door wide opened. His heart started pounding. What if Abby or someone came for her? He sprung himself out of bed and hurriedly ran outside, calling her name.
His eyes widened when he saw her standing at the edge of the lake. He ran down towards her as he called out for her, but she kept silent. What was wrong with her?
He found her kneeling in the grass. Her head was bowed and she had her hands formed in prayer. She was whispering the Lord's Prayer under her breath.
He sighed to himself and shook his head sadly. She was having a night terror and sleeping walking. He's experienced this with her before.
He kneeled behind her, but didn't touch her. He knew he couldn't touch her right now. He would only end up spooking her. She could potentially hurt herself or him.
He waited for what felt like hours before she came to. Her eyes popped opened as she spun her head around. She let out wailing scream as she sobbed.
He carefully placed his hands on her shoulders, whispering soothingly,'It's okay, darlin. You're okay. I got ya.'
He gently rocked them back and forth as she covered her face with her hands, sobbing into them. She couldn't believe she had another night terror. It was the culmination of everything transpiring and talking about everything brought all those old memories back to the surface.
'I'm sorry.' Her voice was muffled by her hands,'I'm sorry.'
He kissed the back of her head and sighed into her hair, holding her a bit more gently,'There ain't nothing to be sorry for. Not a damned thing. They're the ones who should be sorry. Was it about David?'
She smiled tearfully at his words. He knew her well enough to know it always makes her feel better to talk about it, which she appreciated it.
'Yes. I…don't really remember a lot of it, but I remember him chasing after me like I always do. I can't find the church, Joel.'
He frowned at her words. She meant the church in Silver Lake, where David would lock her up for days to brainwash and forced her to do despicable things. He wished they burned that damned building to the ground.
'I think we need to go back there.'
'And do what?' She glanced back at him,'There's nothing back there but probably a few of David's stragglers.'
He kissed the back of her head against and squeezed her gently,'We need to go to that church and burn it down to the ground. It's the only way you'll ever be able to move on. With the weather the way it is, it'll only take us a day or so.'
'My therapist told me I should go back too. He said it would help me find closure, but I'm afraid to go back because of what it took to get here.'
'Well then ya take some time to think about it.' He kissed the top of her head,'I ain't going anywhere.'
They sat there for awhile before heading back, knowing Matty would be up soon. They made breakfast and had coffee, knowing they wouldn't be going back to bed. The sun had just risen, which meant they could get some extra fishing time in.
Becca sat at one end of the canoe while Joel sat at the other with Matty perched on his lap. He made a small fishing rod for him and she watched them, smiling fondly as Joel taught their son how to fish. He was such a good father. She always knew he would be, which is why she wanted to have kids with him. She just wished they got everything else right in their marriage.
The sun was shining brightly as she threw out her line. Her straw hat was shielding her from the sun. The water spiders hopped over the water and she kicked some out of the boat. She remembered seeing them in a lot of back home. Matty didn't seem bothered by them. He looked amused more than anything as he tried to play with one, but she managed to nip that in the bud real quick.
Joel felt something tugging on Matty's line. He gently reeled it in and smirked,'Kid's a natural.'
She saw the small trout floundering on the hook. He unhooked it as he flopped around in the boat, but he made a small incision to put it out of its misery. Hopefully, they would be able to grill it tonight.
'Just like his daddy, I suppose.' She throw her line out farther,'This is why I garden and bake. At least I know I'll get something out of it.'
He laughed and shook his head,'I haven't had your pie in awhile.'
'You haven't?' She arched her eyebrow,'I thought you've been getting it.'
He squinted his eyes and left the comment alone, but the grin on his face spoke volumes. She was playing it cool and he was impressed by her and the way she handled herself.
He rolled his eyes and smirked as he threw his own line out into the lake,'You feeling better since this morning?'
She sighed and nodded,'I am, but I have a slight headache too, which usually happens. I haven't had a night terror like that in a long time. When I get back, I'm gonna talk to my therapist about it.'
'That's a good idea.' He looked over at her and smiled softly,'Me too. Ya think we're ever gonna get it right?'
'What?'
He motioned between them,'Us…life…all this shit with Abby and El. Ya think it's ever gonna stop.'
'I do.' She nodded,'But just because you're a certain age doesn't mean you need everything figured out. I've always considered life a journey. Everything's a work in progress. That's life, Joel. If it wasn't this it would be something else.'
He snorted and nodded in agreement. He couldn't argue with that. Sometimes, he envied the way she saw the world. She still saw the good in people and had faith people could change. After everything that's been done to her, she still found peace within herself. He loved her so much for that.
The finished fishing and sat in the canoe for awhile, enjoying the sun and warm weather. Joel laughed at her as she screamed when one of the water spiders jumped on her.
She cringed as she gingerly picked it up and threw it back into the lake. She heard him chuckle and looked over at him,'What?'
He smirked and cocked his head to the side,'Ya afraid of a little spider?'
'It wasn't little.' She frowned,'It just startled me is all. We had them back home. When I was little…Francis would take me camping and I would find them all the time. I remember thinking they were so cool the way they hopped over the water.' She saw Matty laugh and grinned,'I'm outnumbered out here.'
He smiled as he stood up and walked over to her. He carefully set Matty down in the canoe, letting him look around. He was at the age where he wanted to explore. They encouraged his inquisitiveness. He needed to learn survival skills if he was going to make it out here. They planned to raise a strong, capable and loving man. They would teach him to be good and not hurt people for the sake of it. That was important to her. She wanted to raise a good man.
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders as she picked up her rod and threw the line out into the lake. He ducked his head to look over her face. He could tell she was still recovering from this morning. She looked exhausted. He wished he could change it, but there's nothing he can do. The only thing he can do is be there for her.
He sighed as he gently squeezed her shoulders,'Do you have a lot of good memories of Francis.'
'Mostly.' She nodded,'I mean, he…' She put up air quotations,'Died when I was nine, but I remember always having fun with him. Little did I know what he was up to.' She sighed and shook her head,'I told you before the outbreak, we were about to lose everything. My daddy was about to sell whatever he could. The horses, the cattle and tractors. Everything. The only reason why I even married Ben was to make sure the family was taken care of.'
'He had money.'
He didn't ask. He didn't have to. He read between the lines. She lived in a world completely difference from his. She had fancy horses and show jumping competition. Debutant balls and opulence. He lived paycheck to paycheck, barely making ends meet at the time.
She pursed her lips and nodded,'His family had a lot of money. I was only nineteen and thought I could make it work for my family.'
He frowned and shook his head confusingly,'Was it arranged or something?'
'Not really.' She sighed,'We were dating at the time and together throughout high school. I was in nursing school at the time and…I thought this was the way things were supposed to be. When he asked my father for my hand in marriage…I knew there wasn't any going back. My father was pleased as punch.'
He leaned back in the canoe and sighed deeply. He couldn't imagine a life like that. Where everyone decides your life for you and you don't have any control over it.
'It ain't like that anymore. You got choices now.' He kissed the side of her head,'You can do whatever the hell ya want.'
She placed her fishing rod on her lap and grinned up at him,'Whatever I want, huh?'
He swallowed harshly as he stared at her intently. His eyes honed into her mouth and he wondered if she would let him kiss her. He's been thinking about ever since they got here. He always wanted to kiss her. She deserved to be loved on.
He licked his lips as he cupped the back of her head and gently pulled her head closer to his. He pressed his forehead against hers, whispering,'I really do love ya. I'm gonna be here for ya. Always. You mean the world to me and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Hands down.' He took a deep breath as he stroked the sides of her face,'I ain't ever believed in any of that soulmate shit, but I know you're supposed to be in my life. Forever. I love the way ya make me feel, Bec. Even when you're not around.'
Her eyes widened at his words. Tears filled her eyes as she held his face in her hands,'I love you too. I really fucking do. To the moon and back and all that. I'm gonna bug you for a long, long time.'
He chuckled at that as he nuzzled his nose against hers,'You fuckin better.'
She surprised him by pressing her lips against his. His eyes widened slightly, but he quickly recovered and reciprocated the kiss. He held the back of her head as his tongue slowly ran over the seam of her lips. She opened up for him as their tongues flicked together teasingly as they breathed each other in.
He ran his other hand down the side of her face, tracing the shape of her jaw with the pad of his thumb,'Me vuelves loca.'
The lilt of his Spanish in that deep baritone sent delicious chills down her spine. She wrapped her arms around his neck as pressed another kiss to his lips,'I drive you crazy?'
He leaned back and laughed,'Nice to see you're still learning Spanish.'
Matty crawled over to them and she bent down to pick him up and place him on her lap,'I'm having fun learning it. Betsy's teaching me too. I like that you talk to Matty in Spanish. He should learn his culture.'
He cupped her jaw again and shook his head,'I want him to learn everything he can about his family. It's important for him to know where he came from. Before the world went to shit.' He squinted his eyes as he stroked her cheek,'I meant what I said. You do drive me crazy. It's a good kind of crazy.'
'People think I'm one fry short in a happy meal.' She snorted,'They call me eccentric. I slept walk once and ended up near the church. One time and those ladies don't let me live it down. They think I'm gonna cook and eat them or something.'
'I like your crazy.' He leaned close to her and pressed another kiss to her lips,'I love ya just the way ya are. They don't know ya like I do.'
'I don't care and I don't want them to know me. I'm happy with what I got.' Matty started getting fussy and she laughed,'I think it's time for someone to take a nap.'
He smirked as he kissed the side of her head,'A nap? Sure. I'll take one.'
She rolled her eyes and laughed as Joel started rowing the canoe back to shore,'Old man needs his rest.'
He saw the smirk on her face and wanted to kiss it right off her. As much as he wanted to really kiss her and touch her the way he wanted to, he didn't know if she was ready for that again.
The night they slept together, he laid on the couch all night desperately wanting to go to her. He even went as far as their bedroom door, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't get walk in their room. He was such a fucking coward when it came to her.
When they got back to the cabin, Becca laid Matty down for a nap. She made some coffee and tea for them. They sat outside to eat, leaving the door opened in case Matty needed them.
She placed her empty plate on top of his and leaned back in her chair,'Who was your favorite musician before the outbreak?'
He looked over at her and chuckled at her question. She was eccentric alright. She didn't let things bother her like she used to. She didn't dwell on things anymore. She was focused on the here and now.
'That's an easy one, Prince.'
Her eyes widened and she nodded,'Nice. I loved his music too. I wonder if he survived the outbreak. He could come live in Jackson and you two can rock out together.'
He snorted as he took a sip of his coffee,'I doubt I could keep up with him. I like farming anyway. What was yours?'
'Tori Amos.' She laughed when he smirked,'I know. I'm really leaning into that whole Lilith Fair thing I have going on, but I absolutely loved her. She had a concert and I couldn't go because of a show jumping competition. I was devastated.'
He frowned and placed his hand on her leg,'Ya ever see her live?'
'No.' She shook her head and frowned,'I hope she survived too. Cause we know Cher did.'
He smiled fondly as he stared at her. He absolutely adored her. He's never felt this way towards a woman. She made him feel…warm, loved and appreciated. Safe. He's never had this kind of safety with anyone before. He knew she had his back no matter what. Even when they weren't together.
She was his person. He never believed in soulmates, but she was close to it if there ever was one. Everything he did in his life led up to this moment and being here with her.
He made a mental note to see if he could find one of her records. He truly wondered if anything of hers survived the apocalypse. He would have to keep an eye out. He wanted to do simple things he could to make her happy. In her eyes, they weren't that simple.
They spent the rest of the day relaxing before they headed back to Jackson in the early morning. They had a marriage session the following evening. One they didn't intend to miss.
Becca didn't have any night terrors the during the night as they held each other soundly. They were both content with the simplest pleasures in life. They missed Ellie dearly during this trip, but they were giving her space and time to figure things out. Hopefully she would come around.
Come Monday morning, they had some reckoning to do. They tended to learn why Abby was so keen on following and spying on them. Was she working alone or for someone else?
Only time would tell.