Anne sighed as she watched from across the library. Phil had dragged her to the library and for the most of the while she was there, it was fine. It was dandy and she had nothing to worry about.
That was until she saw him- scratch that— she froze when she saw him for the first time.
She couldn't remember the last time they spoke since that awful Day.
What could they say after that argument other than calling each other a liar for leading the other on?
How many missed calls did she have? Did she have any at all?
The world would spin for them as they traipsed over the green pastures and red roads of Avonlea and Prince Edward Island. They were always just a step away from either side of friends and enemies. Just one push and pull to topple on each other when the moment suited it. Held hands and stole kisses among trees when it was toppled the right way, but always separating at the first whisper of disillusion that reminded them both that their problems would never be gone. Always pretending, ignoring the emotions that swirled around them whenever she spent the night in his room.
No endeavour would ever make it work if sex couldn't make it work.
This time.
This time, he had his head close to Christine Stuart, and she couldn't help the bitterness bubble in her throat.
She was always someone she wanted to be.
What had he said to her last time?
"Don't you want to be with someone who makes you smile or hears your cries? Because I do, Anne, but if you think Roy is the one for you, I won't stop you, but you don't get to play me. I am not him."
"I'm not playing anyone, Gil. Roy knows exactly what we are and our limitations. That's the difference between us, Gil, I'm not afraid to be alone. If Roy isn't the right one, that's fine. I've been alone since my parents died…Yes, I have Marilla these days, but it doesn't change the fact that I could manage alone."
"You think I couldn't?"
"You still call your mother every night, Gil,"
"You make that sound like it's a bad thing?" His voice is sarcastic in his exasperation.
"I'm just saying you have always had a group of friends around you; you are always into something, practicing, playing, doing something with a team or a friend. I'm just here because I'm always here for you; you need more than that. It's a big world, and you deserve a chance to experience college without a small-town girl you sometimes kiss following you around. We need to experience the big world, and we both agreed on that. What is the point of going away to college to stay the same? What is the point in this when we spend half of the time fighting about something one of us said?"
"You're looking a little jealous there," Phil nudges her in the side.
"I'm not jealous," Anne hisses, going back to her study book. "If he wants to be with someone who can't even finish a book, then that's his choice."
Phil raises her carefully crafted eyebrow. She was fairly certain Christine Stuart could read, but it was often books that Anne thought were juvenile for their age, even though she read them herself in secret.
"We can build a house somewhere near here, we can raise babies in it one day." He says lying back on the blanket in the green pasture.
"Babies, who are having babies?" She teased him but secretly loved the idea of it.
"We need at least one, but we can sort out numbers later. I mean, I am going to be a doctor; it's not like I don't understand how birth control works or women's bodies, on that note."
His grin had been infectious.
His hands had crept around her waist, she was waiting for her kiss when he began to tickle her.
'You'll do better than me one day, Gilbert, you see…' She had thought to herself because nothing was ever made to last.
Not like this.
"You'll do better than me, Gil…" she whispers loud enough that he hears it.
The evening is gone, and the mood is ruined.
He got too close again, and she said the words that would make him take a step back—a step to try and reassure them that she was all he wanted and a step because it angered him that she always thought this way.
"Just apologize already," Phil nudges her. "You know he won't hold it against you."
"I think we are past the point of apologies," Anne says indifferently.
"Tell him you missed a period then," Phil says, shrugging.
"I haven't, We're not stupid. I am not stupid enough to get knocked up in college." Anne glares at her and closes her book. "Roy is waiting for me; we're having dinner together at his mother's, and I should get ready for it."
Phil sighs and watches her friend pack up her things quickly. She also notices that her friend's lover is watching them now.
"Is that her?" Christine asks him quietly.
He could only nod, he knew the rumours floating around but he also knew that Christine had a girlfriend and wasn't interested in men whatsoever. That was on the down low because if her parents knew they would cut her off.
"She pretty," she tells him. "What happened between the two of you?"
"I'm not entirely sure, whenever it feels like it's heading to something real or people's expectations make themselves known…she freezes, I push too much, we fight and stop talking until something happens that puts us in the same room together again?"
"What was the incident last time?"
"Our good friend died of cancer last summer; before that, one of her guardians who took her in when she was younger died. It's like someone has to die for her to think about taking a chance on life."
"Jeez," Christine says under her breath.
Gilbert shrugs in indifference. "What else can I say? it's always been complicated." "She doesn't think she is good enough for anyone from a normal home life. She will always see herself as a lesser person because she doesn't have parents."
"And yet she's dating Royal Gardiner?" Christine raises an eyebrow.
"Give it six months, and she'll be running from him as well," Gilbert says through his teeth. "In reality, she's too good for him, not that she would ever believe it."
"Is she too good for you as well then?" Christine poked him.
"Probably, but we grew up together in many ways," Gilbert says after a moment. "I'm sure she'll find someone better than me in the long run. Back at an island fair, a fortune teller once told us our destinies are entwined in ways she had never seen before. Friendship and lovers at the flip of a coin- is that a way to live? We have the potential to find someone better than each other.
It's cold and raining when she finds herself on his doorstep. Soaking wet and shivering with hair plastered down the sides of her face, she looked like a frightening mess.
She's crying, of course, and when he opens the door, she can only hope he will take pity on her.
He does as he pulls her down the stairs to his basement apartment. Neither of them speaks, as he hands her a towel that was from his bathroom. It smells clean and not musty as he goes into his bedroom and comes back with dry clothes.
Her clothes at that.
He still kept them.
She showers to warm up before dressing herself. She cautious as she leaves the washroom, looking over his room that is still the same as it was before. Pictures of home, and even her still on his dresser.
She finds herself in the kitchen as he pours water from the kettle into the mugs on the counter.
He hands one to her, cocoa. Her favourite drink.
"What happened?" He finally asks.
"I'd rather not talk about it," Anne whispers, grateful for the long sleeves and warmth of the sweater. She couldn't tell if the bruises were just in her head or if they existed on her skin.
"What did he do?"
"He didn't do anything," she says defensively, ignoring his look. You're joking, right?
"We just argued, that is all," Anne sighed. "We both said things, and when his silence spoke volumes— I left."
"Silence?"
"His mother said some unkind comments about children in foster care, only tagging on 'but not your case dear'" Anne rolls her eyes. "The first time, sure, she didn't know, but the third or fourth time, it was malicious, and he just refused to see it that way. He would always side with her, he told me… 'you're an exception to the rule, Anne. A pretty one, but still an exception, and you know it. A pretty little white girl always gets a family—you got lucky and found someone who adopted you. most kids age out and, well…are a stereotype.' I wanted to tell him that he was wrong on many levels that I lived in houses that only wanted the money I came with, who didn't give a lick about me, only to kick me out when their husbands or sons looked a little too closely to me…"
"Please tell me that—that last part is not true…" Gilbert says not wanting to believe it. She couldn't meet his eyes he frowned, stepping closer to her. " You are not the exception, and there are no rules for that sort of thing," Gilbert says quickly to reassure her.
Anne just looks up at him with big grey eyes and smiles awkwardly. The smile you make when you don't want to say the truth or say it out loud.
He tucks her into his bed, his arms wrapping around her. Kissing the top of her hair with a tenderness that she could barely feel. They stayed like that for minutes, hours—maybe even days if she had allowed it.
'Cause we break down together
We make out together
We fake out our problems
And make ones that never escape our endeavours
I know you'll do better than me
But for now, we'll take what we get
And we'll work through regret
And we'll plan for a future we probably won't get
We fake love for now
But I know you'll do better than me
Cause you won't want nothing to do with
Someone who makes you cry
And you won't have something to say with
Someone who needs more time
No, you'll go start making amends with
Someone who makes you feel alive
'Cause they're someone who's gonna remind you what you're not
Inspired by the song What you're not by MICO-he's Canadian Indie, so if you haven't heard of him, don't sweat it, but go look him up if you want to!