Chapter 9
Over the next couple of weeks, practices intensified. Everyone was working hard on committing their new programs to muscle memory and improving their elements, but none harder than Otabek, making up for the training days he had lost after his on-ice collision with JJ. He was often the first one on the ice and the last one off, determined to make the most out of every single session.
Unfortunately, progress on the quad salchow had mostly stalled since his return to the ice. If anything, his form had worsened, with him two-footing or falling on the majority of his attempts. At least they were fully rotated for the most part, but that was only a small comfort. If he wanted to include the quad in his new free skate, Nathalie required at least a 60% success rate in practice. Only landing one or two a day – if that – wasn't going to cut it, not if he wanted it to be ready by his first junior Grand Prix event at the end of August.
"Okay, that's enough quads for now, Otabek," Nathalie said, clapping her hands together when Otabek fell on his fifth attempt in a row. "They're obviously not working for you today. Why don't you practice your spins for a while instead?"
"But –" Otabek cut off his protest almost immediately, knowing it would do no good. He sighed, pushing himself up off the ice and brushing the shards off the back of his pants. "Yes, Coach."
He supposed he ought to work on his spins more, anyway. They continued to be his nemesis, his main technical weakness. Receiving all Level 2s on his spins in his free skate at Junior Worlds had cost Otabek at least two placements in the final standings, a fact that continued to irritate him to no end. He could not afford to make the same kinds of mistakes again if he wanted to make the podium next year.
He staked out an empty corner of the rink, out of the way of the other skaters, and got straight to work on practicing his spins, keeping careful count in his head to make certain he was getting in enough of the required revolutions to get full credit for his chosen features.
Occasionally, his attention wandered over to JJ, pride and jealousy battling in his heart as he watched his boyfriend land huge, beautiful quads as if they were nothing more than triples. With the addition of his newly-mastered quad lutz, JJ now had three quads in his arsenal and had recently been contemplating trying to learn the loop, inspired by Emil Nekola's and Seung-Gil Lee's posted videos on Instagram. Nathalie insisted that he didn't need it, that it would just put unnecessary wear and tear on his hips, but that didn't stop JJ from throwing out a few unsuccessful attempts whenever his mother wasn't paying attention, falling on all of them.
It was after one such fall that JJ skated over to join Otabek, who had taken a break from spinning to drink some water at the boards.
"No wonder the loop is the only one of the non-axel quads that has yet to be landed," JJ said, reaching for his own water bottle. "It's no joke!"
Otabek frowned. He admired JJ's initiative and ambition, but every time he saw him setting up for the quad loop, his heart jumped to his throat, afraid JJ was going to injure himself. The loop was hardly his best jump in the first place; JJ tended to prefer toe jumps to edge jumps. "Maybe you should give the quad loops a rest. Your mother is right. You don't need one when you already have the lutz."
"Yeah, but wouldn't it be so cool to go down in the history books as the first person to ever land a jump in competition?" He flipped up the spout on top of his water bottle, bringing it to his mouth. "Oh, man, I should have filled this up more before I got on the ice," JJ said, shaking the bottle. "It's already empty. Let me have some of yours."
"Oh, uh…"
Too late. JJ had already swiped the bottle right out of Otabek's hand, downing a couple of large gulps before handing it back to him. "Thanks."
Oh, well. It wasn't as if anybody was paying attention to them, anyway. Otabek took a sip of his own, then set the bottle back on top of the barrier, frowning when he noticed JJ staring at something over his shoulder.
"JJ? Something wrong?"
"I don't know…" JJ's thick eyebrows furrowed together. "Sam's here."
"Sam? Where?"
Otabek turned in the direction JJ pointed. Sure enough, Samantha stood behind the boards near the gate, rubbing at her bared arms and looking like she was about to freeze to death in her skimpy blue-and white-striped tank top. They briefly locked eyes before she glanced away, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
"What is she doing here?" Otabek murmured mostly to himself.
"That's what I was going to ask you," JJ said. "You didn't invite her?"
"Of course not. We haven't even spoken since the day we broke up." Honestly, he never expected to see her again, especially not at the rink, of all places. "Maybe she's dating another skater?" Otabek highly doubted it, though. All the other skaters currently on the ice were either not interested in women or already in a relationship.
"Doesn't seem like it. Nobody else is paying attention to her," JJ pointed out. "Maybe you should go see what she wants?"
"Right." Otabek had no idea what they had left to talk about after everything that had happened, but if she had come to the rink to see him, there had to be a reason.
He glanced around the rink. Nathalie was still busy helping Timothy with his footwork sequence, so she probably wouldn't notice if he extended his break a little while longer. Otabek grabbed his water bottle and his Team Kazakhstan jacket from the boards, then skated over to a shivering Samantha on the other side of the rink.
"Here." Coming to a stop in front of her, Otabek offered his jacket.
"Oh!" She held up a hand. "No, I couldn't. I'm fine, real–"
"You're freezing. Just put it on," Otabek insisted, trying his best to ignore the fact that he could see the faint outline of her nipples through the thin cotton of her tank top.
Samantha hesitated for a moment longer before finally accepting it. "Thanks," she said sheepishly, pulling her arms through the jacket's sleeves. "Probably should have changed into something a little warmer before coming here…"
"What are you doing here?" he asked, cutting straight to the point.
"I…" She stuffed her hands into the pockets of his jacket and sighed. "Well, I, um, need to talk to you about something. Something important."
"Okay…"
"Not here. How much longer is practice?"
Otabek took a swig of his water, swiping his arm over his mouth. "Not too much longer. This session ends at three-thirty."
"And then you're done for the day?"
"I can be," he said, frowning. He and JJ had made plans to check out a hip-hop class at a nearby dance studio after practice – Nathalie wanted Otabek to start taking some kind of dance class, and ballet was definitely not an option – but they could always do that another day. "Sam, what is this about? Is something wrong?"
She shook her head. "I'll be waiting outside in my car. Come find me, and I'll tell you everything then, okay?"
"Yeah, uh, sure."
"Otabek, if you've got time for chatting up girls, let's see a run-through of your free," Nathalie called out from across the ice, having finished working with Timothy.
Otabek grimaced. So much for not getting caught… "Sorry, I have to go," he said, taking one more sip of his water before setting it on top of the barrier.
"Oh, here." Samantha shrugged off Otabek's jacket, handing it back to him. "Thanks, and sorry for interrupting your practice. I'm parked out in front, near that big tree."
"Okay. I'll be out as soon as I can," he promised.
There hadn't been any time to fill JJ in during the rest of their remaining practice time, so the next opportunity they had to talk was in the locker room after their session.
"So? What did Sam want?" JJ asked in a low voice as Otabek turned his lock to the proper combination.
"She wants to talk to me, in private."
"About what?"
Otabek shrugged, opening his locker and pulling out his sneakers and skate bag. He'd been trying to figure that out himself ever since Samantha's surprise visit, but nothing had really come to mind. "I don't know."
"You really have no idea?"
"None at all."
Frowning, JJ stripped off his sweat-stained T-shirt, tossing it into his own skate bag. "You don't think that she wants to ask you to give her a second chance, do you?" he asked, taking out a fresh shirt. "She was pretty into you."
"Maybe." That had been one of the few reasons he could come up with about why Samantha might want to talk, but Otabek doubted it. The way she had acted… He sat down on the bench in front of the lockers and began unlacing his skates. "Anyway, it looks like we'll have to check out that hip-hop class another day. I told her we could meet right after practice."
"The class doesn't start until four. I can hang out here, wait for you to finish? We could probably still make it in time."
"I don't know how long I'll be. You should go on by yourself," Otabek said. "I have my bus pass with me, so I can get home on my own."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"If that's what you want," JJ said, patting his shoulder. "Call me if you need anything, though, okay?"
"Thanks."
Otabek finished changing into his street clothes, then headed out to the parking lot, the summer heat a welcome reprieve from the freezing rink. Just as Samantha had said, he spotted her familiar blue Honda Civic parked near the big oak tree located at the far corner of the parking lot. He walked over and lightly tapped on the passenger side window. Samantha, who had been sitting slumped over with her forehead resting on the steering wheel, jerked up at the sound, unlocking the door when she saw it was him.
"Hey." Otabek slid into the passenger seat, setting his skate bag in his lap. "Sorry for making you wait."
"No, it's fine," Samantha said, reaching over to lower the volume on the radio. As usual, she had it on her favorite Top 40s station, a catchy Taylor Swift hit playing. "I shouldn't have bothered you at practice, but I didn't know how else to contact you. I deleted your number from my phone a couple of days after we broke up, and I guess you didn't see the DM I sent you yesterday on Instagram."
"Sorry. I haven't signed onto Instagram for a while," he said. "What's going on? Did something happen?"
Hands tightly gripping the steering wheel, she stared straight ahead for a long moment before inhaling a deep breath and announcing, "I'm late, Otabek."
He tilted his head, confused. "For what?"
"You know…" But he honestly didn't, not until Samantha brought a hand down to her stomach. "I, uh, missed my period."
Otabek sucked in a sharp breath, feeling as if he had just been punched in the gut. "You're...pregnant?"
"I don't know yet, not for sure," she admitted. "I bought a test this morning, but I haven't taken it yet. I've been too afraid to find out."
"B-But we always used a condom," he said, trying to make sense of what she was saying. "You can't…"
"Birth control isn't always 100 percent effective." She sat back in the driver's seat, hitting her head against the neck rest, and let out a bitter laugh. "Oh, God, turns out Sister Claire was right. The only surefire way to prevent pregnancy is not to have sex at all."
An irreverent remark about how that didn't exactly work out for the Virgin Mary sat on the tip of his tongue, but he bit back the urge to say it. This was hardly the time or the place. "How late are you?" he asked instead.
"A couple of weeks, which normally wouldn't alarm me. I mean, my periods have never been the most regular, but…" She turned her head to look at Otabek, her green eyes glistening with unshed tears. "I'm really, really scared, Otabek," she whispered. "What are we going to do if I am?"
"I…" Otabek had no idea either. He was only fifteen years old. Neither of them were ready to deal with something like this... "Do you have the test with you?"
"Yeah, in my purse."
"Let's go somewhere where you can take it," he suggested. "There's no reason to worry about it until we know for certain."
"You're right." Samantha swiped a hand across her cheek, wiping away a couple of tears that had managed to escape, then reached for her seat belt. "There's a park close by with public washrooms. I can take it there." She inhaled deeply before starting the car and pulling out of the rink's parking lot.
It only took a few minutes for them to arrive at the park. As they got out of the car, Otabek averted his gaze away from the nearby playground overrun with screaming, happy children, following Samantha down a winding dirt path to a small brick building where the public restrooms were located.
"Well, here we are," she said, tightly gripping her purse strap as she stared at the door on the right leading to the ladies' room.
Otabek reached for her free hand, giving it a gentle squeeze in silent support. He wished he could reassure her that everything was going to be okay, that she probably wasn't even pregnant and had been worrying for nothing, but of course he could promise her no such thing. There was a more than decent chance that both of their lives were about to change forever. Samantha still gave him a small, grateful smile anyway, squeezing his hand back before pulling hers away.
"I'll… I'll wait for you over there," he said, indicating the wooden bench underneath a nearby tree. "Um...good luck?" Was that even an appropriate thing to say to someone about to take a pregnancy test?
"Yeah. Thanks."
Throwing back her shoulders, Samantha headed inside the ladies' room.
Otabek took a seat on the bench. Though it was a beautiful warm summer's day, he pulled his Team Kazakhstan jacket tightly across his chest, unable to ward off the chill flowing through his veins. His stomach knotted, and he pressed his lips together, his eyes watering with unshed tears.
Oh, God, what were they going to do? Despite what he had told Samantha, it was impossible not to worry, not to think about what would happen if she really was pregnant. In only a few minutes, they would find out if the course of their lives was going to be forever changed.
Over on the playground, a young boy, maybe around five or six, tripped while running around the jungle gym. He burst into tears, his wails loud enough to reach Otabek's ears. A young man, who Otabek assumed was the boy's father due to their shared dark auburn hair, ran over to comfort him, checking his arms and legs for scratches before giving him a hug.
Would that be him in a few years? Taking his son to the park and kissing away boo-boos? Otabek had never given much thought to the idea of fatherhood before. It had always seemed like such a distant possibility, something he might consider once he found a committed partner and was ready to hang up his competitive skates. Never did he imagine that the possibility might become a reality so soon, when he still had yet to fully reach adulthood himself.
And Samantha… It was his fault. If Samantha was indeed pregnant, then the baby almost certainly had been conceived the day they had broken up, when Otabek had slept with her to distract her from searching JJ's room for clues about "Rebecca". If only he had just insisted they leave, instead of fucking her for no good reason…
It had been a long time since he last truly and sincerely turned to Allah, but Otabek brought his hands together in front of his face, his palms facing inward as he prayed.
Please, please, let the test be negative...
The door to the ladies' room swung open, interrupting his prayer. Otabek's heart jumped into his throat as he brought his hands down to his lap, but it was only a harried mother coming out, carrying a crying toddler in one arm while she spoke rapid-fire French to her other child, a little girl in pigtails.
Otabek sighed in relief. Not Samantha.
But how much longer was the test going to take? He checked the time on his phone. He wasn't certain exactly when Samantha had gone inside to take the test, but he was sure at least a few minutes had already passed. It shouldn't be too much longer before she got a result, right?
He dug his fingers into the fabric of his jeans, staring down at his sneakers. Dammit, this wait was even worse than when he went to see Dr. Kumar, with the stakes so much higher. Back then, all he worried about was the possibility of having to sit out a season, but if Samantha really was pregnant and decided to keep the baby… What would that mean for his skating career and dreams of skating at the Olympics?
What about his relationship with JJ?
It was too much. Way too much.
Otabek nearly jumped out of his skin when somebody touched his shoulder, jolting him out of his downward spiral.
"Sam!" Heart pounding, he rose to his feet, placing his hands on her upper arms. "What did the test say? Are you…?"
Samantha shook her head. "False alarm. It was negative. I'm not pregnant."
"Alhamdulillah." Overcome with relief, Otabek collapsed back on the bench.
She plopped down beside him, stretching her arms above her head. "Thank God," she echoed. "I swear, I'm going on the pill before I have sex again. No more relying on just condoms for protection."
"Good idea," he agreed, thinking that if he ever slept with another woman again, he'd make certain to ask if she was on any sort of birth control beforehand.
"Yeah…"
An awkward silence fell between them.
"So… Um, how have you been?" she asked. "I was so preoccupied with everything earlier, I didn't even bother to ask. Is your skating still going well? I didn't see you doing any jumping."
"Oh, uh… Training's been okay, I guess," he said with a shrug. "I'm still having trouble with the quad salchow, but…" He didn't want to talk about his skating woes. "What about you? Did you get that part? I heard you were auditioning for one of the leads in your next play."
"From Bella? She told me you two ran into each other at Lawton's the other day. I still can't believe she's working retail, but it's good she's found something productive to do to occupy her time. I think it's really helped her get over the break-up, you know?" Samantha faintly smiled. "Anyway, yeah, I did get the lead. I'm playing Portia in The Merchant of Venice, which I still can't quite believe. She's by far the most complex role I've ever acted, so I'm really looking forward to bringing her to life on stage."
"Congratulations. That's great."
"Thanks." She tucked a strand of hair that had fallen out of her ponytail behind her ear. "Opening night's on the first of September, if you maybe want to come check it out. I can leave you a ticket at will call."
"Oh." Otabek rubbed the back of his neck. "Um, I don't think that's such a great idea…"
"Wait, wait, I meant as a friend!" Samantha was quick to clarify, waving her hands in front of her chest. "Only a friend. Actually, I kind of have a crush on the guy who plays Bassanio, my love interest. We haven't gone out yet or anything, but I think he might be into me, too."
That was good to know, but still… "I don't know."
"Is it because of JJ?" she guessed after a long pause. "Because you're dating him?"
"What?" Otabek's eyes widened. How could she possibly…? "No, JJ and me, we're just good friends –"
"You don't have to lie to me. It's okay. Seriously."
"How… How did you know?" He didn't understand.
"I didn't, at least not for certain." She shrugged. "I mean, a part of me always kinda suspected you had a bit of a thing for him, but… I saw the way JJ was looking at you when you two shared your water bottle. I recognized that look on his face. It's the same way he used to look at Bells." She smiled sadly. "So, you were Rebecca? Or rather, 'Beka'?"
"Sam…" Otabek turned to fully face her, throwing his arm over the top of the bench. "Nothing happened between us when we were dating, I swear," he said. "You're right. I admit I did have a crush on JJ and even tried to kiss him once before I met you, but… I thought he was straight. JJ did, too. Then he and Isabella broke up, and we broke up, and, well, things...changed. We never… We never wanted to hurt either one of you, though." Otabek shook his head. That sounded insincere even to his own ears, even if it was the honest truth. "It's okay if you don't believe me. I know it's probably –"
"I do," Samantha said, placing a gentle hand on his knee. "I do believe you. It's okay. And don't worry, I won't tell Bella."
"You won't?"
"If you were actually a 'Rebecca', I probably would. I absolutely hate the idea of lying to Bella, but… I'm not going to drag JJ out of the closet just to make myself feel better for being honest. It's not my secret to tell. I'm not that kind of person."
"Thank you." Otabek exhaled in relief. The last person he wanted to find out about their relationship was Isabella.
"Anyway, I should probably get going. I have a rehearsal at four-thirty." She stood back up, pulling her keys out of her purse. "Do you need a ride home or anything?"
"Thanks, but I'll be okay. I have my bus pass."
"You sure? JJ's house is on the way, so dropping you off is no problem."
"Yeah." Otabek stood up as well. "I have some errands I need to run before going home," he lied, though he appreciated the offer. He just needed some time to himself for a while.
"Oh, okay. I guess this is goodbye, then. Maybe I'll see you around?"
"Yeah, maybe," he said, although he highly doubted it. "Goodbye, and, um, good luck. You know, with the play and Bassanio. I'm sure you'll make a great Portia."
"Thanks," she said. "Good luck with your skating, too. I'll still be rooting for you to win the gold."
"Thanks."
After Samantha left, Otabek found himself in no hurry to catch the next bus home. He mindlessly wandered around the neighborhood, no destination in mind, and ignored JJ's texts – putting his phone on silent so he didn't have to hear the incessant pinging that accompanied each message – until it was nearly six. Knowing that if he wasn't home by dinnertime, the Leroys would probably send out a search party for him, Otabek boarded the next bus that came along.
He grimaced when he checked his missed messages. All-in-all, JJ had sent well over twenty texts, each growing increasingly more hysterical as Otabek continued not to reply. He'd left a couple of voice messages as well, which Otabek deleted without listening to, assuming more of the same, just with the added guilt of hearing JJ's worried voice.
Don't worry. I'm still alive, he finally texted back. On my way home. I'll be back by dinner.
He wasn't surprised when he received a reply almost instantly.
Beka, where the FUCK have you been? Why haven't you answered any of my texts? Do you know how worried I've been?
Sorry, Otabek replied. I just needed some time to myself.
And you couldn't have at least let me know? I thought you and Sam had gotten in a wreck or something!
I'm sorry. He didn't know what else to say, knowing JJ was right. The least he could have done was text JJ back and let him know he would be late coming home.
Did something happen? JJ asked. Are you okay? Is Sam?
Yeah. I'll tell you about it when I get home. Too much had happened to try to explain in a text message.
I'm holding you to that promise. Get home safe.
See you soon.
Otabek arrived back home just before Nathalie and the others were due to return from the rink. JJ, waiting for him in the rarely-used formal living room, jumped up from one of the pristine white couches as soon as Otabek walked through the front door, rushing over to envelop him in a crushing hug.
"Thank goodness you're back," JJ said, an unexpected tightness to his voice. "You have no idea how worried I've been."
Otabek really hadn't, not until that moment. "I'm really sorry," he said, burying his face in JJ's sweatshirt. "I didn't mean –"
"JJ? Otabek?"
The two of them quickly broke apart at the sound of Nathalie's voice, coming from the direction of the kitchen.
"There you are," Nathalie said, poking her head into the foyer. She frowned upon seeing the skate bag still slung over Otabek's shoulder. "Did you just get back home, Otabek?"
"Um, yes, ma'am," he said, quickly racking his brain for a reason to explain his tardiness as Madeleine and Philippe passed by, rushing up the stairs to put their things away. "I...uh…"
"Beka got the time wrong on that hip-hop class we signed up for," JJ jumped in, covering for him. Otabek suspected he had come up with the cover story while waiting for him to return, the lie sounding almost smooth enough to be the truth. "Turns out it started an hour later than we thought. I needed to be home for a possible drug test, though, so I decided to skip and just dropped him off at the dance studio."
"Good decision. I know you were tested just a few weeks ago, but it's better to be safe than sorry. You know how serious the CCES is about those tests. I heard one of the boys from Nationals –" Nathalie shook her head. "No, no, I shouldn't gossip. It's only a rumor at this point. Anyway, make sure you change your testing window for next time."
"Will do. So, do you need any help with dinner?"
"Actually, I do," she said. "Will you prepare a salad? And, Otabek, you can go put your bag away and wash up. I'm just reheating leftovers from last night, so tell Madi and Pip dinner will be ready in a few minutes."
"Yes, ma'am," Otabek said before heading up the stairs.
He didn't have much of an appetite at dinner, despite usually loving Nathalie's turkey meatloaf. He forced himself to eat just enough to be deemed acceptable in Alain's eyes, then excused himself from the table early, claiming he had a pounding headache.
Upstairs in his room, Otabek changed into his favorite pair of pajama pants and an old band T-shirt before laying down on his unmade bed and rolling over on his side. He had plenty of school assignments he could be working on, but he couldn't work up the motivation to study. Nothing would have sunken in, anyway.
It didn't take long before someone knocked on his door.
"Come in," Otabek called out.
The door creaked opened. Though he was facing in the other direction, he didn't need to turn around to know it was JJ. The mattress dipped underneath Otabek as he joined him on the bed.
"Beka?" He lightly shook Otabek's shoulder. "Are you okay?"
Otabek flipped over, immediately moving to cling to a surprised JJ.
"Hey, this isn't fair," he weakly protested, even as he laid down and wrapped his arms around Otabek, pulling him even closer. "I'm supposed to be mad at you, you know."
"Sorry," he mumbled, burying his face in JJ's shoulder
"Well, as long as you don't disappear on me like that ever again…" JJ sighed. "I get needing some time to yourself sometimes, but at least let someone know so we don't worry about you, okay?"
"I will. I promise."
"Good." He kissed the top of Otabek's head. "So, what happened? What did Sam want?"
"She… She missed her period."
"What?" JJ's entire body stiffened. "Sam's...pregnant?"
Finally looking up at JJ, Otabek shook his head. "It was a...a false alarm?" Was that what Samantha had called it? He couldn't really remember. "She just wanted me there with her when she took the test, for emotional support, I guess. She was really scared."
"I can only imagine," JJ murmured, some of the tension leaving his body. "Wow, thank God it came back negative."
"Yeah…" He tightened his hold on JJ, turning his face away as he blinked back the sudden tears that welled in his eyes.
"Beka?"
"I… It scared the shit out of me, too," he confessed, "the thought I might be a father. I'm only fifteen… I was so fucking afraid…"
"Hey, it's okay…"
"I thought I was going to have to give up my skating," Otabek continued in a soft whisper, barely registering JJ's response. "I thought… I thought I was going to have to give you up."
"But you don't. Everything's fine. It was just a false alarm, like you said."
"I-I know." He swiped a hand over his cheek, brushing away a tear that had somehow managed to escape. To be honest, even Otabek didn't understand why he kept ruminating on what happened when everything had turned out okay in the end. "But what would you have done, if Sam really had been pregnant?" he couldn't resist asking. "How would you have felt? Would you –"
"Beka…" JJ gently rubbed Otabek's arm. "Sam's not pregnant, so what's the point in asking a question like that? It doesn't really matter now, does it?"
"No, but…"
JJ was right. There really was no point in dwelling on the "what if"s. It had been unfair to ask him something like that, although it would have been nice if… Otabek shook his head. "Sorry," he said, pulling away from JJ and rolling over onto his back so that he was staring up at the ceiling. "It was a stupid question. Just forget about it."
"Hey, what's the matter?" JJ asked, partially sitting up. "Are you mad at me? I'm sorry if I said something wrong. I get that it was a scary moment for you, but...I don't really know what to say or do in a situation like this, you know?"
"No, I'm not mad at you. Not really." Otabek sighed, fiddling with the hem of his T-shirt. "I don't know. I...just have a lot on my mind."
"Need a distraction? That's one thing I can do for you."
"What kind of distraction?" he asked, glancing over at JJ. "I'm not really in the mood for sex right now, if that's what you're suggesting."
"Actually, since we weren't able to attend that hip-hop class, I decided to go down to the music store instead and bought some new sheet music. I haven't had much time to practice yet, but do you wanna hear one of the new songs I picked out? I think you'll really like it."
He wasn't really in the mood for that, either, but if it made JJ feel like he was helping… Otabek shrugged. "Sure, I guess."
"Great! Stay right there," JJ said, jumping out of the bed. "I'll go grab my guitar."
He returned a couple of minutes later, sitting down cross-legged near the foot of the bed and spreading his sheet music out in front of him. Otabek propped himself up against the headboard for a better view while JJ played some chords as a warm-up.
"Now, remember, I just got this music today. I practiced it a little when I got back home, but I only really got through the first verse before I started getting worried about how late you were," JJ explained, tightening one of the strings. "I haven't even touched the chorus, and the guitar solo is, like, impossible, but –"
Otabek gently nudged his foot against JJ's nearby knee. "Hey, I get it," he said, not accustomed to JJ acting so unsure of himself, especially when it came to his music. "It's fine. I'm not expecting perfection, so just play."
"Yeah, okay." Closing his eyes, JJ inhaled a deep breath. "Well, here goes nothing…"
It only took a couple of measures for Otabek to recognize the song, his eyes widening in surprise.
"This is…"
JJ smiled at his reaction but didn't stop playing, starting to sing along with his beautiful baritone voice to the familiar lyrics:
Nobody knows how you make me feel
Is this a dream? Can this be real?
You're my heaven and hell, my secret not to tell
But if I could, my love I would yell to the skies
Forbidden fruit, left out on the vine,
Skin so smooth, your lips so fine
To be with you, I'll forsake all that is divine
Just say the words, say you'll always be mine
But nobody can know, nobody can know
Only you and I
At the end of the verse, JJ improvised a simple ending, then set his guitar against the side of the bed. "Well, like I said, that's about as far as I got, but –"
Otabek launched himself at JJ, climbing onto his lap and kissing him full on the mouth.
"Hey, I thought you weren't in the mood?" JJ asked, grinning as he looked up at Otabek.
"Changed my mind," Otabek said, a smile tugging at his lips as well. "Got a problem with that?"
"No way." JJ reached for the bottom of Otabek's shirt, pulling it up over his head and tossing it onto the floor before capturing his lips once again...
It had been a few weeks since Charlie had invited JJ and Otabek to check out his band, so it came as a surprise when JJ brought it up out of the blue on their drive home the following Wednesday, Otabek having assumed he had forgotten all about it.
"Yeah, Charlie's been wondering when we'll drop by," JJ said at a stoplight, sliding on a pair of sunglasses to shield his eyes from the bright afternoon sun. "I told him we'd try to make it out there tonight. You don't have any upcoming tests or anything you need to study for, do you?"
"No, not really." Thanks to JJ's tutoring, his schoolwork had been going well lately. Somehow, he'd even earned a perfect score on his last geometry exam, something he hadn't achieved on a math test since elementary school. "It would be awesome to check out the band, but…" Otabek frowned. "Will your parents let us go out on a Wednesday night? Our weekday curfew is ten, and Charlie's band doesn't even take the stage until fifteen after, right?"
JJ waved a dismissive hand. "It'll be fine. My folks love Charlie, so they probably won't mind extending our curfew just this once to watch him play. And if not…" He shrugged. "We'll just sneak out instead."
"Sneak out?" Otabek arched an eyebrow. "Have you ever done anything like that before?"
"Once," he admitted. "There was this rare meteor shower me and Bella really wanted to see, but it was a school night, so none of our parents would allow us to stay out that late. We snuck out around midnight and stayed out until almost five."
"Oh." Otabek couldn't help but wonder what the two of them had done, alone and unsupervised so late at night, but he brushed the thoughts aside, reminding himself they probably hadn't done anything too scandalous due to their religious beliefs at the time. "And you didn't get caught?"
"Oh, no, we were totally busted. I ended up grounded for the longest month of my life, unable to go anywhere except school and the rink, but, man, was it worth it…"
JJ's eyes glazed over, failing to notice when the traffic light finally turned green.
"JJ?" Otabek reached over, lightly shaking him out of his reminiscing. "The light?"
"Oh! Sorry, got lost in thought there." He stepped on the accelerator, driving forward. "So, what do you say?" he asked, glancing over at Otabek. "Up for some clubbing tonight?"
"Yeah, definitely. I've been wanting to hear Charlie play."
"Cool." JJ grinned. "Then it's a date."
Too bad nobody else could actually know it was a date…
JJ brought up the subject of extending their curfew as soon as Alain and Nathalie arrived back home from the rink with the kids. They had stopped by the store to do some mid-week grocery shopping as they usually did on Wednesdays, so he and Otabek helped unload the back of Nathalie's SUV, carrying the reusable canvas bags to the kitchen.
"Where is Charlie's band playing?" Alain asked, putting pouches of milk into the dedicated storage container in the fridge. "Somewhere nearby?"
"At this club called Vibe. It's near the Entertainment District downtown, and don't worry, absolutely no alcohol will be served," JJ was quick to assure him. "It's Teen Night, so most of the people there will be high school students."
Nathalie frowned, unpacking a bag filled with canned goods on the island. "I don't know, JJ. Maybe if it was just you, but Otabek is only fifteen. That's too young to be hanging around downtown that late at night."
"He's going to be sixteen in a couple of months, and Beka's super mature for his age. You know that."
"Be that as it may, while he's living under our roof, he's our responsibility," she said. "I doubt his parents would be any happier with the idea than I am. What if something happened?"
"I agree with your mother." Alain took an armful of the cans to the walk-in pantry, where Otabek was already unloading another bag and quietly listening in on the conversation without comment. "Besides, you both have practice in the morning. You need your sleep."
"I promise we'll leave as soon as Charlie's band's set is over," JJ said, bringing his hands together in supplication as he followed Alain. "Come on, please, Papa? Charlie really, really wants us to come. It's just one night."
"I'm sorry, but the answer is no, JJ," Alain said. "Maybe some other time, when he's playing at a more reasonable hour." He handed the rest of the cans over to JJ. "Here, put those away."
JJ sighed. "Yes, sir."
"We understand," Otabek said, doing his best to hide his own disappointment. He had known it would be a long-shot anyway.
JJ came up beside him, stacking cans of tomato sauce on the shelves.
"You know, you can go watch the band on your own," Otabek offered, keeping his voice low. "I don't mind. It's only me they object to staying out so late, so if you still want to go –"
"What are you talking about? I'm not going without you, Beka," JJ insisted in an equally low voice. "Nothing's changed. It would have been nice to get permission, but it doesn't matter. We're still going."
"We are?"
"I told you, didn't I? That if they said 'no', we would just sneak out instead?"
"Yeah, but…" Otabek didn't think he was actually serious about it, though. "What if we get caught?" It wasn't as if JJ's first attempt at sneaking out had been all that successful. "I don't want to be grounded for a month."
Or worse. Would the Leroys kick him out and send him back home to Almaty if they discovered him breaking curfew? Otabek doubted they would be quite that severe, but they would almost certainly contact his parents, and if his parents found out, they would probably double whatever punishment the Leroys saw fit to give him.
"Trust me, you aren't going to want to miss this," JJ said. "Besides, I've learned a thing or two since last ti–"
"JJ, what do you want for dinner tonight?" Nathalie asked, poking her head into the pantry. "We can't decide. Grilled chicken or poached salmon?"
Otabek nearly dropped the jar of pickles he was holding, catching it just in the nick of time.
"Salmon sounds good to me," JJ replied. "What about you, Beka?"
"Y-Yeah, salmon sounds delicious."
"Salmon it is, then. Thanks, boys."
JJ sighed in visible relief once she left, setting his last can on the shelf. "Close one. Anyway, just be dressed and ready to leave by 9:30. I'll handle the rest."
"Fuck!"
Pain radiated in his eye as Otabek poked himself for the third time with the eyeliner wand. The guy in the YouTube tutorial he had watched beforehand had made it look a hell of a lot easier than it actually was. With a sigh, he reached for a moist towelette and swiped it over his eyelid, giving himself a blank canvas to start over again.
He was almost finished with one eye when somebody knocked on his door.
"Come in," Otabek called out, not wanting to ruin his concentration.
The door open, JJ stepping inside. "Hey, are you about – Whoa, did you get into a fight?" he asked when Otabek twirled around in his desk chair to face him.
"That bad?" Otabek turned back around, frowning at his reflection in the mirror. Rather than the dark, brooding look he'd been trying to emulate, he did appear to have given himself a black eye instead with his make-up.
"It's...a unique style, that's for sure," JJ said diplomatically.
Frowning, Otabek once again reached for a towelette to wipe away the heavy make-up. Maybe he should just give up on the whole idea…
JJ dragged the chair he now kept in Otabek's room for the nights he helped him with his studies over to the desk and took a seat. "What kind of look were you actually going for?"
"Something like...this?" He pulled up the photo of Nick Sanderson from Reckless Abandon he had been using as inspiration before handing his phone over to JJ.
"Ah, right, I see. Hmm, yeah, that seems simple enough." JJ set the phone aside, then pointed to Otabek's face primer. "May I?"
" You know how to put on eye make-up?" Otabek asked, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice as he handed over the tube of primer. Many skaters, male and female, knew how to apply foundation, concealer, and maybe a little blush or bronzer to keep their face from looking washed out on the ice, but eye make-up was not as common for the men. He didn't recall ever seeing JJ wearing any at competitions.
"Bella… Well, she kinda had a thing for putting make-up on me to help her practice new techniques, and I guess I picked up some tips along the way?"
"Isabella?" Otabek arched an eyebrow. "You're talking about Isabella Yang?" Somehow, she had never struck him as the type.
JJ shrugged. "Hey, it made her happy, and I have to say, I looked pretty hot, if I do say so myself," he said, squirting a tiny bit of primer onto the tip of his pointer finger. "Close your eyes."
Otabek obeyed, allowing JJ to gently smooth the primer over his eyelids.
"You know, you should do something like this for your short program look," JJ said, switching to a brush to apply the dark gray eyeshadow Otabek had chosen. "I bet it would look really good with your new costume."
They had both approved Mrs. Bychenko's final designs shortly after JJ's birthday, their costumes now in production. Since Otabek's short program costume was on the more simplistic side, it was already completed for the most part, only needing a few minor alterations before he could bring it home.
It would be a lie to say the idea hadn't crossed his mind, but… "You think I could get away with it?"
"Have you seen some of the make-up Georgi Popovich has worn over the years? A smokey eye is pretty tame in comparison."
"I'm more concerned about your parents," Otabek admitted. "Your mother wasn't all that thrilled with my music choice in the first place. Wearing ripped-up jeans and heavy eye make-up…"
"Oh, I'm sure she'd probably be shocked at first, but Maman would come around," JJ said, swiping the brush over Otabek's other eyelid. "She always does in the end."
"Maybe she'll come around to other things, too…"
The words slipped out without him thinking.
"Shit!" Otabek's eyes flew open. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
JJ forced a smile to his face. "It's okay. I know this can't be easy for you, having to pretend we aren't a couple in front of everybody else."
"No, it's fine." As much as he hated all the lies and secrecy, it had to be even worse for JJ, feeling the need to hide such an important aspect of himself from the people who were supposed to love him most. "I can handle it. It's not like my parents would be happy to find out we're dating, either."
"Yeah, but still…" JJ swirled the bristles of the brush over a slightly lighter shade of gray, blowing on them to get rid of the excess powder. "Close your eyes. I wasn't finished yet."
"Oh, sorry." Otabek once again lowered his eyelids, allowing JJ to resume where he had left off. "But, um...have you given it any more thought? About coming out?" he couldn't resist asking, his fingers digging into the dark denim of his jeans. He had avoided bringing up the subject since JJ's birthday party, not wanting to pressure him, but they couldn't keep hiding their relationship forever. Camille and Samantha already knew; it was likely only a matter of time before someone else found out. "I heard one of Mitchell's skaters recently broke up with his partner and decided to quit competitive skating in order to focus on his studies." Mitchell was one of the other coaches who worked at the rink, specializing in pairs. "He's moving back to California, so his host family will soon have an extra room available. I was thinking about asking to move in with them. That way, my parents won't have any reason to object anymore, and –"
The brush pulled away from his eyelid. "You want to move out?" JJ asked as Otabek blinked open his eyes.
"I…" Otabek stared down at his lap, clenching his hands into fists. "I don't want to, but it would be easier, wouldn't it? Your parents will probably insist I move out anyway when they find out, so –"
"Or they'll forbid us from seeing each other altogether and decide to stop coaching you," JJ interrupted. "I mean, I hope they wouldn't go that far. I don't think they would, but… There are just too many unknowns."
Otabek looked back up. "Does that mean you have no intention of coming out? Even though you know for sure you're bi now?"
"I...don't know." JJ set the brush and eyeshadow palette aside. "I just don't think it's the right time. All things considered, we have it pretty good, don't we? We see each other literally all the time, and it's easy to sneak into each other's rooms whenever we want. Most couples our age would kill for that kind of access," he pointed out. "Sure, keeping our relationship a secret sucks, but it's better than potentially losing you for good." He brought a hand to Otabek's cheek. "I can't risk that, Beka," he said softly. "You mean too much to me."
"I… I guess you do have a point," Otabek admitted, covering JJ's hand with his own. "I don't want to lose you either. I'm just worried about someone else finding out. If Camille accidentally lets something slip, or if someone walks in on us at the wrong moment…"
"Hey, it'll be okay. We'll be more careful. Nobody else is going to find out."
Except Samantha already had…. Otabek wondered not for the first time if he should let JJ know, but he didn't want to worry him unnecessarily. She had promised to keep their secret, and despite everything that had happened between them, he trusted her to do so. "You can't promise that, JJ," he said instead.
JJ sighed, pulling his hand away to reach for Otabek's eyeliner. "Maybe not, but… I'm just not ready yet. I'm sorry. You understand, right?"
"Y-Yeah, of course."
"Anyway, the trick to putting on eyeliner is…"
JJ twisted the wand out of the eyeliner tube and started lining his eyes, going through the process step-by-step as if he was tutoring Otabek on how to solve one of his geometry problems.
"There! Turn around." He spun his finger around when he finished, motioning for Otabek to face the mirror sitting on his desk. "How does that look? Is that more like what you had in mind?"
"Yeah…" Otabek turned his head from side-to-side, admiring his reflection from every angle. In fact, it had turned out even better than he had envisioned, accenting his dark brown eyes instead of overshadowing them. "You're pretty good at this, you know?"
"It helps when you're already so hot," JJ said, cupping Otabek's chin in his hand and turning his face back toward him. "Beautiful…"
"Yeah?"
Warmth rose to Otabek's cheeks under the heat of JJ's gaze. Nobody had ever called him beautiful before. He liked it more than he expected.
"Yeah…" JJ breathed, leaning forward.
Just as their lips were about to meet, however, he pulled back, taking his phone out to check the time. " Marde, I didn't realize it was already so late!" he said, jumping to his feet. "We need to hurry, or we'll miss the bus."
"The bus?" Otabek stood up as well, checking his back pocket to make certain he had his wallet. He did. "I thought we were taking your car."
"Way too risky. We'll be caught as soon as I start the ignition."
"Aren't your parents still down in the basement?" Nathalie and Alain usually stayed down there for a couple of hours after the kids went to bed to watch the nightly news or catch up with their favorite TV shows. Apparently, Nathalie's current obsession was the newest season of Outlander, a fact that Alain loved to tease her about every chance he got. "You can't really hear much down there."
"Maybe not, but they'll know we're gone if they look out one of the front windows and notice the car missing from the driveway." JJ waved a hand toward Otabek's bed. "You should probably put some pillows underneath your blanket to make it look like you're sleeping. I doubt they'll check in on us, but just in case, it's better to be safe than sorry. I already did the same in my room."
"Good idea." Otabek hid his pillows underneath the blanket, doing his best to arrange them in a way that made them look like a sleeping person. No way would it pass a close inspection, but if JJ's parents just took a quick peek inside the room with the lights out, it would probably be enough to fool them.
"Ready to go?" JJ asked when he had finished.
"Yeah."
He turned off the lamp on his desk, then moved to stand behind JJ as he slowly twisted the doorknob and poked his head out into the hallway.
"Okay, the coast is clear," he whispered. "Follow me. I'll go downstairs first and make sure they're still in the basement. Come down when I give the signal."
"Got it."
They quietly made their way to the landing above the foyer. Otabek's heart pounded as he gripped the wrought-iron railing, remaining upstairs while JJ checked the first floor for any sign of his parents. In all his fifteen, almost sixteen, years of life, this was one of the most thrilling, yet terrifying, things he had ever done, his nerves on edge as he listened for any hint of a door opening or voices speaking. Fortunately, it didn't take too long for JJ to reappear at the foot of the stairs, motioning for Otabek to come down and join him.
At the front door, he was about to reach for the doorknob when JJ grabbed him by the wrist and shook his head.
"Security alarm," he reminded him. "Wait a sec."
JJ took out his cellphone, the light of the screen almost too bright in the darkened foyer. He tapped the access code into the security system's app to disarm the alarm, then cautiously opened the front door, letting out a visible sigh of relief when nothing happened.
"Good. Hurry, let's go."
Trying not to attract too much attention from any neighbors who might be out and about, enjoying the pleasant evening, they pretended to be out on an ordinary stroll, keeping a respectful distance between them. As soon as they reached the end of the street and turned the corner, however, JJ grabbed Otabek's hand, the two of them sprinting the rest of the short distance to the nearby bus stop.
"Good, we made it," JJ said breathlessly, checking the time on his phone before pocketing it. He turned toward Otabek and reached for his other hand, pressing their foreheads together. "Oh, my God, I can't believe we actually just did that."
"Me, neither," Otabek said, his heart still racing.
They smiled and laughed, basking in the success of their grand escape, until Otabek slipped his hands away from JJ's, remembering they were in public. "Sorry. I forgot."
"No." After a quick look around, JJ again reached for Otabek's hand and gave it a firm squeeze. "It's okay. Nobody's around to see us. We're safe." He jerked his head toward the shelter. "Come on, let's sit. It'll be a few more minutes before the bus arrives."
Still holding hands, they huddled together on the bench, Otabek resting his head on JJ's shoulder while he once again pulled out his phone with his free hand, resetting the alarm system so his parents wouldn't notice anything amiss.
"This is the fatal mistake I made last time," he explained. "I forgot to turn the alarm back on after disarming it. It wouldn't have been a problem usually, but Papa woke up in the middle of the night, worried that he had forgotten to turn off his headlights, and noticed the alarm wasn't on when he went down to the garage to check. Just plain rotten bad luck." Grimacing, JJ put the phone away. "Hey, you cold?"
Otabek shrugged. "It is a little chilly, I guess." Not really – the sun had set less than an hour ago, so the temperature hadn't dropped that much from the afternoon high, but he didn't complain when JJ released the grip on his hand to wrap an arm around his shoulders instead, sharing his body heat.
If only they could always act like this in public, with no need to worry about what anybody saw or thought… Otabek sighed, his thoughts drifting back to their earlier conversation.
JJ was right. It probably was better for him to remain in the closet and continue keeping their relationship a secret. There were still far too many unknowns. Otabek had been too optimistic, thinking that simply moving out of the Leroys' house would remove all the obstacles to both their families accepting them as a couple.
But how much longer would they have to remain in hiding, denying how they felt about each other? A few more months? A year? JJ would have graduated high school by then. He could move out and rent his own apartment...but it was no secret how expensive the cost of living in Toronto was. Even with the money in his savings, Otabek doubted it would be enough for JJ to live on his own, especially if his parents decided to cut him off financially. And then there was the question of how coming out as a couple would impact both their training situations with the Leroys...
"Penny for your thoughts?"
Otabek startled, looking up at JJ. "What?"
"I was just wondering what you were thinking so hard about. You always knot your brows together whenever you're trying to solve a difficult geometry problem or determine the issue with a jump you're having trouble with," JJ said, pressing the tip of his pointer finger in between Otabek's furrowed eyebrows. "Don't tell me you're still obsessing about that proof you couldn't figure out yesterday. I'll show you how to break it down tomorrow if it's bothering you so much."
"No, that's not it. I was just…" Otabek shook his head. "It's nothing." They could discuss and debate their future plans at another time. For now, he wanted to enjoy a rare night out with his boyfriend. "So, what's so exciting about tonight?" he asked instead, changing the subject.
"Hmm?"
"Earlier, when we were in the pantry, you said I wouldn't want to miss it. Miss what, though?"
"Oh, you know, hearing Charlie's band live," JJ said, a little too casually. "They're really, really good. I think you'll like them."
Otabek sat back up and arched an eyebrow, not quite believing him. "Is that all?"
"Of cour– Oh, look, the bus is here!" he exclaimed, managing to avoid the question. JJ jumped up to his feet as the mostly empty bus rolled to a stop in front of them. "Come on, let's go!"
Otabek affectionately rolled his eyes as he followed JJ on board and tapped his bus pass against the card reader. Oh, well. JJ could keep his secrets for now. He would find out whatever he was hiding soon enough.
Since it was "Teen Night", there was no need for anybody to check IDs outside the club. Otabek and JJ were able to head straight inside as soon as they arrived, the club already filled almost to capacity with reveling teenagers. On stage, a band led by a young woman with bright purple hair played a cover of a Paramore song.
"Follow me," JJ shouted – or at least that was what Otabek thought he said. It was near impossible to hear him over the volume of the pounding music, his words swallowed by the purple-haired singer's vocals.
Otabek was careful to keep close as they weaved through the mob of dancing teens, not wanting to lose JJ along the way. Apparently thinking along the same lines, JJ reached back for Otabek's hand, gripping it tightly and pulling him along.
"Wow, this place is packed," JJ said once they managed to find a spot to stand with a decent view of the stage. The band had just finished their song to enthusiastic applause, making it a little easier to hear. "Charlie said they got a good crowd, but I wasn't expecting this many people."
Unspoken was the question of if anybody they knew was in attendance, JJ releasing his grip on Otabek's hand as his eyes not-so-subtly searched for possible familiar faces hanging out nearby. Otabek assumed Charlie's girlfriend, Caitlin, was probably hanging around somewhere, maybe backstage or in the wings, but at least at first glance, he didn't see anybody he recognized.
"How much longer until their set?" he asked.
JJ pulled out his phone. "About ten minutes or so, it looks like. We made good time." He nodded his head to the left. "I think I see the bar over there. W… some p...p?"
"What?" The band started playing their next song, drowning out most of JJ's question.
"Pop?" JJ shouted louder.
Otabek furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He could perhaps hear a little of the influence of early Avril Lavigne in the band's music, but he wouldn't call it pop by any means. "No, this is more punk."
JJ laughed, leaning closer to Otabek. "I said, do you want some pop?" he asked, making a drinking motion with his hand for further clarification.
"Oh!" Otabek's cheeks warmed, making him grateful for the dim lighting of the venue. "Um, yeah. Get me whatever."
"Okay. Be right back."
JJ returned a few minutes later with two medium-sized glasses, handing one over to Otabek. "Got us both Cokes," he said loudly, his mouth almost next to Otabek's ear. "Figured we might as well live a little."
"Thanks."
Otabek took a sip of the icy-cold fountain drink – refreshing in the warmth of the crowded club, filled with everyone's body heat – and turned his attention back to the stage, where the band was playing the last song of their set. He didn't recognize it, so it was likely an original composition. He had to admit, they were pretty good. A little rough around the edges, but they played with gusto. He'd have to check online later to see if they had uploaded any of their music anywhere.
They both joined in the applause when the band took their final bows. A few minutes later, they were replaced by Charlie's band, Destination Unknown, JJ loudly whistling as Charlie took his seat behind the drum kit and tapped out a playful rhythm.
Otabek had briefly met the members of the band at JJ's birthday pool party. In addition to Charlie, there were three other guys who were either current students or graduates from JJ's parochial high school: Zach, the lead singer and guitarist, Andrew on bass, and Kai, the keyboardist who wrote most of their material. JJ had shared a few of his favorite songs of theirs with him, but they started the set with the debut of a new piece that quickly had Otabek nodding his head along to the beat.
"They are good," he said to JJ. Especially for a relatively new garage band. From what he heard from JJ, they had formed the band only at the end of last year, over the winter holiday break.
"Told you!"
The rest of the songs they played were just as good, if not even better than the first. JJ sang along to most of them, looking over and smiling at Otabek whenever he got to a particularly romantic lyric. Every once in a while, he would even dare to discreetly reach for Otabek's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze that Otabek wished could be so much more.
But for now, it was enough. It had to be enough.
Their set lasted for about half an hour, although the time flew by in a flash. Before playing their final song, the lead singer detached his microphone from his stand and stepped forward, taking a few moments to talk to the audience.
"Hey, how you doing, Toronto?" Zach asked, the crowd responding with enthusiastic cheers. "You've been an amazing audience tonight – the absolute best! To close out our set tonight, we've lined up a special surprise. Tell me, are there any Reckless Abandon fans in the house? Let me here some noise!"
Again, more cheers rang out, much more than Otabek expected. The band wasn't all that well-known in the States, but they seemed to enjoy at least a decent amount of popularity in their home country.
"JJ, what's going on? What's happening?"
JJ grinned. "Just wait and see," he said, motioning for Otabek to turn his attention back to the stage.
"Well, little known fact," Zach continued, "Nick Sanderson just so happens to be my cousin. Yep, he's the one who taught me my first chords. I keep telling him one day I'm gonna surpass him on the guitar, but come on, who are we kidding? The man's a musical genius on the level of Hendrix and Van Halen while I can barely play a C sharp minor!" he joked, getting some laughs from the audience. "Anyway, when I heard he was coming to town for a couple of days to celebrate my aunt's 50th birthday, well…" Zach looked off to the right, where a spotlight hit in front of one of the stage wings. "Nick, what do you say? Join us for a song?"
"Sure, why the hell not?" a very familiar voice said, Otabek sucking in a sharp breath as none other than Nick Sanderson, in the flesh, stepped onto the stage to boisterous applause. "Anything for my favorite cousin."
No. Freaking. Way.
"Uh, I'm your only cousin, dude," Zach said, handing Nick his own guitar to play.
Nick shrugged, looping the guitar's custom strap over his head. "Lucky for you, then. No competition," he said, playing a couple of chords to warm up. "So, any requests?"
"Actually, a good friend of ours asked if we could play 'Nobody Knows' as a special surprise for someone, so how about that one?"
"Sounds good to me."
Starting to feel faint, Otabek grabbed onto JJ's arm, his fingernails practically digging into JJ's skin. "Am I dreaming?" he asked.
JJ's smile grew even wider. "Nope! Now listen. You're not gonna want to miss this."
On stage, the band started playing Otabek's short program music, with Nick on lead guitar and Zach singing the vocals. Nick's tenor voice wasn't as deep as Mike's, lacking his distinctive growl, but he did a decent enough imitation – not that Otabek paid much attention to him anyway. His focus remained mostly on Nick, still in disbelief he was really there, that JJ – it had to be JJ – had requested the band play his favorite song.
"Nobody knows, nobody cares, nobody gives a damn how we feel…"
Moving to stand behind him, JJ wrapped his arms around Otabek's waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. Otabek's breath hitched at the back of his throat.
"JJ, we shouldn't –"
"It's okay," JJ said, his mouth right next to Otabek's ear so he could hear. "It's too dark for anybody to see."
That was true enough. The people dancing around them were little more than shadows in the dim lighting, their attention mainly directed toward the stage anyway. Otabek hadn't seen any sign of Caitlin or any of JJ's other friends, either. He relaxed, leaning back against JJ's chest and letting the music wash over him.
All too soon, the song came to an end, the crowd bursting into thunderous applause as JJ finally released his hold around Otabek.
"Thank you, thank you! You've been fantastic," Zach said, waving to the audience. "And special thanks to Nick Sanderson for agreeing to play with us tonight. You've just made someone out there very happy."
"My pleasure, Zach," Nick said, taking a bow. "Now, let's here it again for Destination Unknown!"
JJ tugged on Otabek's sleeve while the rest of the band took their bows. "Come on," he mouthed, jerking his head to the side.
Confused, Otabek followed him through the crowd. Were they leaving already? JJ had promised his parents they would head back home as soon as Charlie's set was over when trying to get their permission to come, but he saw no reason to rush out when Nathalie and Alain didn't even know they were gone – hopefully.
Wait, wasn't the exit in the opposite direction, though? They were heading closer to the stage, JJ leading him toward a side door labeled "Backstage Only". It was guarded by an imposing muscle-bound man wearing shades, who stood to block the door as soon as they approached.
"Name?"
"Jean-Jacques Leroy and Otabek Altin," JJ said. "We're guests of Charlie Thompson of Destination Unknown. He should be expecting us."
The bouncer looked down at his clipboard, lifting up his sunglasses so he could better see. "Leroy and Altin… Yeah, you're on the list. Go on ahead," he said, stepping back aside and opening the door for them.
Otabek, however, remain rooted in place. "JJ?"
"Come on." JJ guided him through the door, his hand brushing against Otabek's lower back as they entered the backstage area.
Charlie's band – and Nick – had just exited the stage, the next act in the line-up taking their place. Charlie spotted them first, waving them over.
"Come with us," he said in a low voice as JJ and Otabek walked over to join them. "Don't want to distract the band."
Seriously, this had to be some kind of dream. Otabek discreetly pinched his arm as they followed the band down a short corridor, his eyes watering from the pain.
They stopped in front of a door with a large yellow star painted on the front. Zach, at the front of the group, unlocked the door, letting everyone file inside a small dressing room. It was far from glamorous, furnished with only a couple of basic vanities, a black leather couch that had seen better days, and a mostly-empty clothing rack standing in the corner. The stale smell of weed and cigarettes had permeated the faded wallpaper, which probably had not been updated since the 80s, unlike the more public areas of the club.
"Yeah, they really treat us like kings here. Nothing but the best!" Andrew joked, plopping down on the couch with Kai after grabbing a couple of ice cold bottles of water off the vanity, presumably left behind by management. He passed one of the bottles to Kai, then twisted the cap off of his own, gulping some of the water down.
"I've seen worse in my day, believe me," Nick said, handing Zach back his guitar.
"I'm sure. You'll have to share some of your stories sometime," Zach said, loosening some of the strings before carefully storing the guitar back inside its sticker-covered case. Up close, Otabek could better see the physical resemblance between them, the two sharing the same hazel eyes and strong jawline, although Nick's was mostly covered with stubble. "And I mean the good stories, not the sanitized versions you always tell in front of the fam."
"What are you talking about? I'm a proper, law-abiding citizen, Zachariah. I would never –"
"Uh-huh. And I'm the reincarnation of Freddie Mercury." Chuckling, Zach shook his head and latched his case. "You're so full of shit, Nick."
"Anyway, glad you could make it, man," Charlie said, giving JJ a bro hug. "Especially since Cait couldn't."
"Oh? Not trouble in paradise, I hope."
"Nah, nothing like that. She's just out of town for the week, on vacation with her family. You know how it is. I miss her like crazy, but she's supposed to be back on Saturday."
"Well, we wouldn't have missed it for the world. You guys were awesome out there. Right, Beka?" JJ nudged him with his elbow.
"Y-Yeah."
Otabek couldn't help but stare at Nick, still in disbelief that he was within spitting distance of his idol.
"So, are these the friends you mentioned, Zach?" Nick asked, smiling and releasing his cousin from the friendly headlock he had put Zach in. Fortunately, he didn't seem too creeped out by Otabek's attention.
"Yeah, this is one of my old schoolmates, JJ Leroy, and his friend, Otabek Altin," Zach said, introducing them. "They're huge fans of Reckless Abandon."
"Well, actually, I'm more of a newer fan," JJ said, "but Beka here has been following Reckless Abandon from almost the very beginning. He's even using 'Nobody Knows' as his short program next season. That's why I made the request."
Nick tilted his head to the side. "Short program?"
"Yeah, they're figure skaters," Charlie said. "JJ's the current Junior World champion, and Otabek is the reigning national champ of Kazakhstan."
"Very cool," Nick said. He leaned back against one of the vanities, crossing his arms as he regarded Otabek with renewed interest. One of his tattoos – a thorny rose – peeked out from underneath the sleeve of his flannel shirt. "Wow, Kazakhstan? I never realized our music had reached such an international audience."
"I...uh… I've been training abroad for the past couple of years, but I came across a video of yours on YouTube, the one from that Battle of the Bands you did in 2011, and, um…"
Otabek's brain short-circuited, his command of the English language temporarily shutting down. Why hadn't JJ warned him beforehand that he would be meeting Nicholas Fucking Sanderson tonight? Nick probably thought he was a complete and total loser! If Otabek had known, he could have at least properly prepared himself and thought about what he might want to say. He certainly wouldn't have worn another band's T-shirt. As soon as they left the club, he was going to kill JJ.
No, correction. First, he was going to kiss JJ senseless, then kill him.
"Well, thanks for the support," Nick said after a few seconds of Otabek's continued brain freeze. "Would you two like an autograph?" He started patting himself down, locating a pen in the pocket of his distressed jeans. "Sorry, I don't have any photos on me, but…"
"Will these do?" Charlie waved around a small stack of napkins bearing the club's name he had found laying near the bottles of water.
"Those will work, if that's okay with you guys?"
"Yeah, sure, that's fine," JJ said. "Okay with you, Beka?"
Otabek could only nod, still unable to speak.
Nick jotted down his autograph on a couple of napkins, then handed them over. Otabek took a quick look at his. Scrawled in blue ink in the empty space over the Vibe logo, it read, "Otabek, best of luck with the program. Keep on rocking! Nick Sanderson."
"Thank you," Otabek said, finally remembering how to speak in English again. "And, um, thanks for writing 'Nobody Knows'. It means… It means a lot to me, as someone who is also a member of the LGBTQIA community. I've been lucky, as someone whose family was mostly supportive when I came out as bi, but I've been in secret relationships before" – he made a point not to look over at JJ, not wanting to arouse suspicion in Charlie and the others – "and, um, the lyrics really speak to me? Is that the right way to say it?" Over on the couch, quiet Kai nodded, assuring Otabek that he had used the phrase correctly. "Anyway, I'm happy you and your partner were finally able to come out, although I'm sorry you felt so much pressure to hide your relationship in the first place."
"Aw, shit, thanks, dude," Nick said, rubbing his neck. "That… That means a lot. You know, I was in a pretty dark place when I wrote that song. I wasn't even sure if I wanted the band to record it at first. It's tough being gay when you're unsure if your friends and family will accept you, and your asshole of an ex-manager keeps telling you to keep it a fucking secret, or else you'll lose all your female fanbase who only like you because they want to sleep with you. And David...he had it even worse, being the son of a minister and all. Things still aren't...great with his family, to be honest, but my folks were surprisingly cool about it once they got used to the idea that I wasn't the straight boy they thought I was. Mom even keeps asking when the wedding will be."
He chuckled, continuing on, "Man, it's wild how things have changed since I wrote 'Nobody Knows'. Not all of it good, but the good stuff has far, far outweighed the bad. I can honestly say I've never been happier, and if David was here, I'm damn sure he would say the same. Living as our authentic selves is so much better than wearing a mask and living a fucking lie. And...I'm rambling now, aren't I?" He shook his head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to give you my life story. I'm probably boring the hell out of you."
"No, no, it's fine," Otabek assured him. "I'm not bored at all."
"Oh, good. Hey, how about taking some photos with me to go with those autographs? You do have phones on you, right?"
Otabek couldn't whip his cell phone out fast enough, JJ doing the same.
Charlie offered to snap the photos for them, taking their phones so they could pose with Nick in front of a blank area on the wall. The ugly 80s-style geometric wallpaper was hardly the best background, but Otabek couldn't have cared less, his heart pounding as Nick, standing in between him and JJ, casually slung an arm over his shoulder.
The Nick Sanderson was actually touching him! Otabek used to think winning gold at last year's Kazakh nationals was the happiest moment of his life – and truthfully, it probably still was – but this was definitely top three, along with "going all the way" for the first time with JJ on his birthday. For once, there was nothing awkward about the smile on his face as Charlie took several photos of them together.
After that, they also took some photos with the band, with Nick acting as photographer. JJ made Charlie and the others promise not to post any of them on their social media pages, not wanting his parents to potentially see the pictures online and realize they had snuck out of the house.
"Marde, I didn't realize it was so late," JJ said, checking the time once Nick handed his phone back to him. "We need to get going."
"Already?" Otabek wasn't ready for the night to end so soon. There was still so much he wanted to ask Nick, like when was the band planning to release their next album and the true meaning behind "Taking The Long Road Home".
"The bus doesn't run all night, and we do have practice in the morning."
"We actually need to get ready to head out, too," Charlie said. "Kai's mom gets worried if we don't drop him off by midnight."
"Yeah, 'cause he's her pwecious wittle baby," Andrew teased, ruffling Kai's dark hair.
"Aw, shut up." Kai batted Andrew's hand away. "She's just...a worrywart, that's all."
Charlie rolled his eyes. "Anyway, if you guys don't want to fight the crowd again, you can sneak out the back exit. No one will care. Just keep going down the hall; you can't miss it."
"Cool," JJ said. "And thanks again for setting this all up. It really means a lot."
"Yeah, thanks," Otabek echoed. "It was amazing – a night I'll never forget."
After saying their goodbyes, Otabek and JJ left the dressing room and headed down the hall to the door located at the very end, labeled "Employees and Entertainment Only". Though Charlie said no one would mind, JJ still made a show of making sure nobody else was around before opening the unlocked door.
The temperature had definitely dropped since they first left the house. Nearby streetlamps provided illumination in the nighttime darkness, the faint sound of a blaring siren in the distance filling the air. There was nobody hanging around outside either, the vicinity deserted except for a stray orange cat laying on top of a dumpster, who quickly scurried away at the sight of them exiting the building. Droplets of rain started to fall on their heads as they stepped outside, but it was only a sprinkle, nothing too bothersome.
"Come on," JJ said. "I think the bus station should be...in that direction."
"Wait." Otabek reached for JJ's wrist, holding him back.
JJ glanced over his shoulder. "Beka? Did you forget something?"
"No, I just wanted to do this."
He pushed JJ back against the brick wall of the club, kissing him full on the mouth.
JJ's eyes widened in surprise, but it didn't take him long for him to start kissing Otabek in return, his arms wrapping around him and pulling him closer. He moaned into Otabek's mouth, their tongues swirling together in a passionate kiss. At some point, Otabek became faintly aware that the light drizzle had progressed to an actual downpour, soaking through the back of his T-shirt and jeans, but the storm did little to dampen their fervor. If anything, it intensified, the heat generated between their bodies warding off the slight chill of the rain.
By the time they finally managed to pull apart, the two of them were both breathless and dripping wet. Looking up at JJ, Otabek tried his best not to smile at the dazed look on his face. "You know, I really should kill you…"
JJ let out a nervous laugh, running a hand through his damp hair. "W-What?"
"I should...but I won't," Otabek said, kissing JJ one more time before grabbing his hand and pulling him forward. "Come on, let's go home and get out of these wet clothes. I want to give you a proper thank you."
JJ grinned. "I like the sound of that."
DISCLAIMER: "Yuri! On Ice" doesn't belong to me.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Chapter 9 should be posted in early November. Feel free to follow me on Tumblr; my username is kaleidodreams.
The CCES is the Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sports, which is in charge of all the drug testing for Canadian athletes.
The lyrics to "Nobody Knows" were written by me for this fic. I'm not a lyricist at all, but hopefully they're not too terrible!